Chapter Text
57.
“Is everything ok?” Casey asked as Alex took the first sip of her tea,
“Hmm?” Alex asked, swallowing her racing thoughts along with the drink.
Casey sat down next to her and smiled, “Well, you haven’t checked your watch to see if I let it steep for long enough,” she teased gently, placing a hand on Alex’s thigh.
“Maybe I trust you to make it properly now,” Alex smiled, taking another sip, all too aware of the weight of her girlfriend’s hand on her thigh. For a moment she let herself imagine a ring – her ring – on Casey’s finger. Her stomach swooped and tightened, it was everything she wanted, but not like this. It would be too much, too soon – just asking for trouble really. Her reverie was broken by the sound of Casey’s phone ringing again. Keeping one hand on Alex’s thigh, the redhead reached over sheepishly and declined the call, then turned to look at Alex, all too aware of the blonde’s eyes on her.
“You can ask me, you know,” she said gently, “I can tell you’ve been wanting to.”
“I didn’t want to…” Alex scrambled,
“Make me feel like you were checking up on who I’m talking to?” Casey asked pointedly. Glancing down at the cup in her hand, Alex nodded quickly; she took a deep breath to steady herself before looking up,
“I don’t ever want to make you feel like I don’t trust you, or like I’m trying to control you,” she placed a hand on top of Casey’s.
“I know Alex,” she replied softly, “but I don’t want you to be walking on eggshells around me either. You can ask me things, you can challenge me, I’ll let you know if you’re crossing a line.”
Alex set down her cup of tea, running her thumb over the almost invisible repair to the handle, “ok then,” she said, reassured by Casey’s words but still unsettled by the image of that engagement ring – it hadn’t exactly been tasteful.
“Besides,” Casey added, her voice lowering, “I can think of certain circumstances in which I’m very happy to let you be in control,” her tongue darted out and ran over her lower lip. Alex quirked an eyebrow at the sudden change in tone,
“I bet you can,” she smirked, “although you know I like to let you have your turn as well,” she ghosted the hand that had lain on top of Casey’s up her forearm, tracing up her bicep to her shoulder and then across her collarbone. The redhead’s eyes watched the motion intently. As Alex’s hand began to trace lower, Casey’s eyes flicked up to meet her heated gaze and she unconsciously shifted closer. As she leaned in to kiss her, they were interrupted by the ringing of the phone.
“Seriously?” Casey huffed, jabbing her finger into the decline button with more force than was necessary.
“Who is it that keeps calling?” Alex asked tentatively
“Ryan,” Casey huffed again, flinging her phone into the couch cushions,
“As in your brother Ryan?”
“Yeah,”
“He’s the middle one right?” Alex asked gently, her brow furrowed as she tried to remember what Casey had told her about her family,
“Yes,” the redhead smiled, her girlfriend’s efforts to remember which of her brothers was which was entirely endearing, “one year older than me – he’s both my best friend and a huge pain in my ass.”
Alex laughed, “is that why you’re not speaking to him?” she gestured to where the phone lay unanswered on the couch.
“I’ve already spoken to him today,” said Casey indignantly, straightening up and folding her arms, “and I told him I’d get back to him when I’d decided.”
“Decided what?” Alex asked in spite of herself, feeling her mouth go dry and her pulse speed up as she anticipated Casey’s answer.
“Decided whether I’ll cook for him and his girlfriend when they’re in the city in a couple of weeks. I told him we could go out for dinner but he says he misses my cooking…” she began talking with her hands,
“Why can’t they just come here for dinner?” Alex interrupted, Casey froze and looked away guiltily, “Casey?”
“I haven’t told him yet,” the redhead muttered, not daring to look back up at her girlfriend,
“Haven’t told him what? That we’ve moved in together?” Alex shifted forward trying to get Casey to look at her.
“I haven’t told him about you,” Casey admitted finally with a long exhale, “I haven’t told anyone.”
“Why?” Alex tried not to sound as hurt as she felt, “do they not know that you’re…”
“No they know,” Casey cut her off quickly, “Ryan was the first person I came out to.”
“Then why haven’t you told them about me?” Alex hated how needy she sounded but just moments earlier she’d been worrying Casey wanted to move too fast and now it seemed like she might not be as all in as Alex had thought.
“Because I don’t want them making a big deal out of it,” she gave an over-exaggerated shrug,
“I’m not a big deal to you?” Alex couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice this time and she saw Casey visibly flinch,
“That’s not what I meant,” she backtracked, reaching out for Alex who instinctively pulled her hand away, “you are the best thing that has ever happened to me,” she said earnestly, “and you are a huge deal to me.”
“You’re contradicting yourself,” Alex replied bluntly, “I knew you were worried about commitment but…”
“I was,” Casey admitted, “but I’m not anymore, Alex I am committed to you, to us, I want to be with you more than anything.”
“But you won’t tell your family about me?” Alex snapped back,
“It’s not that simple!”
“Tell me how it is then,” Alex fought the instinct to keep arguing and tried to focus on Casey. Tentatively, she reached out a hand to her girlfriend and found herself breathing a little easier as Casey took it in her own. The redhead took a deep breath and trained her wide, green eyes on Alex,
“If you looked up overprotective in the dictionary there’d just be a picture of my brothers, and that was true even before Charlie,” she swallowed thickly. “My oldest brother, Scott, is a cop – if you want to know what he’s like imagine Elliot but in a small town and with no Liv or Cragen to keep him in check. One time in high school a guy started a rumour about me, Scott snapped his arm at football practice – he ended his season and any chance he had at a scholarship.”
“Did he get in trouble?” Alex asked incredulously,
“No, he said it was an accident. Everyone knew he’d done it on purpose but they couldn’t prove it. The coach even thought it was justified after he heard what that guy had been saying about me,” she shook her head, “when I heard they found Charlie this thought ran through my head that Scott had caught up with him and…” she trailed off.
“I get it,” Alex whispered gently, squeezing her hand, “and I understand why you wouldn’t want your family checking up on me, who knows what they’d think about a woman who came back from the dead, right?”
“Right,” Casey smiled weakly, “I knew they’d interfere when I told them and I didn’t want it ruin things between us. I thought the longer I could go without us having to deal with the questions then the more chance I’d have of you staying,” she looked down at their joined hands and took a deep breath to keep from crying.
“I’m not going anywhere,” said Alex steadily, “I promise you that, and I promise you that your brothers will be no match for me. Besides, Ryan is more laid back than Scott right? So he’s a good place to start.”
“He’s not as laid back as Luke,” Casey chuckled wryly, “but that’s because Luke’s the baby – he’s so chilled out he’s practically horizontal.”
“So,” said Alex, her tone definitive, “let’s have Ryan over for dinner in a couple of weeks. You said his girlfriend is coming too?”
“Yeah, Bea, she’ll help keep him in check,” Casey smiled, “although she might not be his girlfriend for much longer, he keeps sending me photos of engagement rings.”
“Oh,” said Alex, not quite sure if what she was feeling was relief or disappointment. Casey read the look on her face all too easily,
“Wait, did you see a message from him?” she pried, the slight blush that appeared on Alex’s cheeks gave her her answer. “You didn’t think…?”
“Of course not!” Alex scoffed, a little too defensively, “I’d expect you to have much better taste in jewellery than that.”
With a knowing look, Casey reached across the couch and opened the message from Ryan, “yeah,” she grimaced, “I see what you mean, that wouldn’t suit you at all.”
“It wouldn’t suit anyone,” Alex stated, trying to ignore the fact that Casey was thinking about what kind of engagement ring might suit her, “you’re not going to let him buy it are you?”
“No, I’m not,” Casey began typing furiously on her phone, “I’m telling him he cannot buy that one or anything like it,” she paused, “I’m also telling him that I will cook dinner for them, at my new apartment that I share with my girlfriend,” she smiled nervously up at Alex as she typed, hitting send before she had the chance to second guess herself.
As soon as the message had gone, Alex pulled her into a tight hug. Casey gratefully relaxed against her for a moment before the inevitable string of replies came through on her phone. She groaned and reluctantly read through them, Alex watched her closely,
“What’s he saying?”
“Just what you’d expect about how could I not tell him I have a girlfriend that I’m living with and what is Scott going to say and have I told mom…” she began tapping out another reply,
“What are you saying?”
“That it’s late and I’ll tell mom tomorrow so can he please keep it to himself for now,” she looked up at Alex and smiled, “and that he’ll get the chance to meet you in a couple of weeks and see for himself how amazing you are and how happy you make me,” she quickly hit send and dropped the phone so she could slip her arms back around her girlfriend.
“And how happy do I make you?” Alex hummed, pulling her closer,
“Extremely,” Casey replied, nuzzling into her neck, “you make me extremely happy.”
***
“Alex, baby, are you ok?” Casey stood blinking in the soft light of the kitchen, it was the middle of the night and she’d woken up to find the bed empty next to her.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Alex croaked tiredly, the blonde was sat at the breakfast bar rubbing her temples with neither her usual crossword nor cup of tea in front of her.
“Did you have another nightmare?” Casey asked gently, crossing the room and placing her hand lightly on her girlfriend’s scarred shoulder. It felt cold to the touch as if she’d been sat there quite a while.
Alex shrugged Casey’s hand off, “Don’t,” she begged, her voice full of tears.
“Alex,” Casey tried to think through the fog of tiredness and confusion, “what’s wrong?” She could see that Alex was trembling and hoped it was just from the cold.
“I’m so sorry,” Alex began, “I am so sorry for earlier, I’ve been playing things over and over in my head…” she pushed her head into her hands as though that might make the thoughts stop.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Casey spoke gently but didn’t try to touch her again.
“I pushed you into something you weren’t ready for,” Alex’s voice quavered as she spoke, “I was being too needy and I manipulated you…”
“Stop,” said Casey, both firm and gentle at the same time, she stepped closer into Alex and softly removed her hands from her face, “that’s not what happened at all. You pushed me, sure, but it was a decision I needed to make and I made it. It was my choice.” Alex didn’t reply but simply kept staring down at the table in front of her.
“Alex, I like that you challenge me,” Casey reached out and brushed away a lock of hair where it had fallen across her girlfriend’s face, “but I’m a big girl, I know my own mind and I make my own decisions.”
Alex looked up at her with watery eyes, breathing shakily, “I know, I do know, but I just can’t get the thought out of my head that I forced you into telling your family before you were ready.”
Casey gently sat down in the seat beside her “You’re very persuasive Alex, but I think you’re giving yourself too much credit here,” she smiled, trying to lighten the tension a little. It seemed to work as the corners of Alex’s mouth twitched upwards and she lifted her head to look at the redhead.
“That might be true,” she conceded, “you’re nothing if not stubborn.”
Casey snorted with laughter, “exactly, so don’t worry about being able to talk me into things I don’t want to do – you couldn’t do it if you tried.”
“Oh really?” Alex quirked an eyebrow, her competitiveness rising to eclipse her lingering anxiety,
“Really,” said Casey, adding an extra touch of bravado to hide her relief at Alex beginning to calm down, “seriously though Alex, I know my own boundaries and I will tell you if you cross them. I need you to believe that.”
Alex reached out and took her hand where it rested on the countertop. Slowly, she turned it over so Casey’s palm faced upwards and lifted it to her mouth, conferring a delicate kiss on it which she quickly followed with another kiss to the inside of her wrist. The intimacy of the gesture as well as the iciness of Alex’s fingers took Casey by surprise and she was startled when the blonde spoke,
“I believe you. I’m sorry, Casey.”
“You don’t need to apologise,” Casey found herself leaning into Alex’s space without even meaning to, “I like that we can talk,” she leant into their joined hands and pressed a kiss to Alex’s chilled knuckles, “you could’ve woken me, we could’ve talked sooner, instead of you sitting out here worrying yourself to death and catching cold.”
“I hadn’t realised how cold it was out here,” Alex confessed, “I usually pull one of your sweaters on when I wake in the night.”
“I know,” Casey smiled, leaning over and kissing her on the cheek, “it’s actually adorable.”
Alex giggled at the softness and wondered when she’d started being the kind of woman who giggled at a kiss on the cheek.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been described as adorable before,” she chuckled,
“Maybe that’s because no one else sees you the way I do,” Casey leaned in and kissed her again, on the lips this time, “maybe it’s because you only show this side of yourself to me.”
“I don’t know that anyone else has ever even bothered to look for it,” said Alex, chasing Casey’s lips and catching them in a firmer kiss. Casey’s free hand came up to caress her side, fingers teasing under the hem of her silk camisole. Alex’s hand found the back of Casey’s neck, and she pulled the redhead in for another deep kiss.
“I want to know every side of you,” Casey murmured, “I want to know every inch of you.” Alex sighed against her mouth in response, as a heady mix of arousal and sheer adoration began to swirl in her stomach. Needing to be closer to the redhead she stood up and used their joined hands to guide Casey to her feet as well, spinning them around so that Casey’s back pressed up against the counter.
The redhead gasped as she felt Alex’s lips flutter against her pulse point, an impossibly delicate touch compared to the weight of her body pressing her ever more firmly against the counter. Once again, Casey’s heated hands slid under Alex’s shirt, delighting in the smooth skin of her torso. Alex leant further into her touch, desperate to feel Casey pressed even closer against her as she continued to work her mouth against the sensitive spot on her girlfriend’s neck. Casey instinctively tilted her head back to give Alex access to the rest of her neck, and one of Alex’s hands found its way into Casey’s hair as the other grasped at the hem of her oversized t-shirt.
Alex kissed along Casey’s jaw, soft but insistent, until she found her mouth again. Using the hand already tangled in her girlfriend’s hair she pulled her closer into the kiss, letting the feeling of Casey’s lips moving against her own begin to overwhelm her. She balled Casey’s t-shirt tighter in her fist in a desperate attempt to pull her closer. She wanted to just fall into Casey, to feel herself completely surrounded by her. Suddenly, Casey broke the kiss and pulled back panting, Alex let out a whine of frustration at the loss of contact and tried to remedy it by resting her forehead against the redhead’s.
“Your hands,” Casey gasped with a light chuckle, “they’re still so cold,” she gestured down to where her t-shirt had ridden up and Alex’s knuckles pressed against her stomach.
“Sorry,” Alex smiled, her eyes fluttering shut as she needily pressed her body against Casey. The redhead slid her hands down from Alex’s waist to grip her hips, bracing herself against the counter and gently manoeuvring the blonde so she was straddling one of her toned thighs. Instinctively Alex began to roll her hips, chasing as much friction as she could get.
“Is this ok?” Casey whispered, although the increasing heat and dampness against her thigh was already a good indication of the answer,
“For now,” Alex panted, “you have no idea how much I want you right now,” she placed her hands on the counter either side of Casey and began kissing her again. Casey responded by deepening the kiss, licking into Alex’s mouth in a way she knew drove her wild. Alex’s hips sped up and Casey’s hands moved round to cup her ass, tugging gently at her underwear. Taking the hint Alex momentarily shifted her hips away, giving her girlfriend just enough access to slide her panties far enough down her legs so that she could kick them off. She moaned as she returned to grinding on Casey’s thigh and the redhead let out an answering whine when she felt just how wet Alex was for her.
“Fuck Alex you feel so good,” Casey panted, grabbing her girlfriend’s bare ass and encouraging her to grind down harder.
“I love you so much,” Alex replied, burying her face in Casey’s neck, messily nipping and sucking at her pale skin.
“I love you too,” Casey managed to get out in between breaths, nudging at Alex’s head with her own in order to bring their mouths back together. Their kisses were hot and open-mouthed, each desperately chasing the other. Alex found she was only aware of Casey: the taste of her mouth, the feel of her hot breath, the little moans and whimpers she let out as Alex’s hips sped up. Casey dug her fingers harder into Alex’s ass, needing more contact with her. The blonde whimpered into Casey’s mouth, impossibly close to her release but needing something more. Casey responded instinctively by tensing her thigh as hard as she could and the added pressure pushed Alex over the edge. She came hard, gasping into the crook of Casey’s neck as her wetness covered her thigh.
Casey wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist, pulling her closer as her hips continued to twitch, sending little shocks of pleasure through her. Eventually, she stilled and her body began to relax into Casey’s supportive arms.
“You ok baby?” the redhead asked, pressing a kiss into her hair. She felt Alex nod against her and smiled, “that was incredible,” she added, “you are incredible.” Alex lifted her head and gazed into her lover’s darkened eyes before kissing her again. Casey felt herself respond instantly, her own hips beginning to roll.
“Shall we go back to bed?” Alex husked suggestively, not waiting for a response before straightening and taking Casey by the hand.