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"And that concludes my thesis on sexual identity and interpersonal relationships through eastern and western history. As my sources point out, monogamy and nuclear families are recent behaviors in humankind, thus connecting directly to queer culture and our surveillance culture within the artificial construct that is a Nation-State. Any questions?"
The past few hours were dedicated to Forrest Long's powerpoint presentation about sexuality in history. Michel actually thought Alex was joking, but now he was just… speechless. He could hear Alex laughing at his surprised face, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Who was this guy?
Michael snapped out of his haze, getting into the roleplay and raising his hand.
“Yes, Mr. Guerin?”
"You were great and all, but can I leave the real questions after I read the bibliography?" Yes. Bibliography.
Forrest laughed softly and nodded. Michael continued.
"The only thing in my mind right is what the hell dude? Who casually has a full lecture on sexuality through the ages like this? We actually had to take a snack break because this lasted almost” Michael grabbed his phone to check the time “four hours. You have notes and used a laser pointer."
Actually, on the subject itself, there were so many genuine topics Michael was interested in explore, but his curiosity got the best of him. Alex wanted to be there just to see the cowboy’s reaction to the lecture, and he wasn’t disappointed. Forrest laughed, using his laser pointer to go back to the first slide.
"I took a course about the history of sexuality for my major. The professor gave us the option to create a full two-hour lecture to replace the final exam. It took me a month to finish and the asshole gave me a B because I didn’t use his textbook enough." Forrest finished his third water bottle, after all, he talked for four hours. Then Michael noticed the university's logo at the corner and the date. Winter term of 2012.
“But you said this was supposed to be a two-hour lecture. How come it took four hours?”
“Well, when Alex showed interest in knowing more about queer history and culture, I might’ve added a couple of dozens slides to give him a better context. Also golden rule in the academia: never delete your own work. We never know when a stupid all-nighter might come in handy. Hence a historic point of view on non-monogamy for both men I'm interested in."
It was getting easier for Michael to accept this teasing. Now he understands why Alex got more straightforward after dating Forrest. The historian was very grounded when expressing his feelings, something that still takes both Michael and Alex by surprise. Forrest was the poster boy of emotional maturity and healthy conversations.
Alex stretched himself like a cat. "My lecture lasted six hours because Forrest kept quizzing me about what he just said."
Michael went to grab his mug with coffee Forrest made.
"I didn't quiz you, captain. I wanted to make sure to keep you interested on the subject." Forrest turned to Michael. "Every end of topic I'd drop to my knees and suck his dick while he told me the key points we had just seen."
Michael almost choked on his drink, dripping coffee all over his shirt.
"My reward was 3 orgasms and a nice fingering at the end. But still, it lasted six hours."
Alex, you bastard.
Michael was incredulous. The sexual teasing was a thing now among them, but what baffled him was how flat their tone was. They were talking like the matter was an extension of the lecture, and Michael felt he was hallucinating the whole thing.
They couldn't keep the act for too long, falling into laughter after realising Michael was a bit too shocked.
"It seems like someone likes secretive dirty talking. The dirtiest words coming out with the most banal tones." Forrest kept teasing.
That bastard.
"This is something we can research, Professor Long."
"Yes indeed, Mr. Manes."
Those bastards.
"But now for real, I think you'll like the material I cited here. You are a bisexual man from outer space, dude. If someone can deconstruct a worldview is you."
Michael and Alex nodded in agreement.
"Ok, I have a genuine question for you so you, sir, don't distract me with sexual innuendo." He glared at Alex, who crossed his heart.
"You spent hours talking about how for a long time sexuality wasn't a thing. It didn't have names or nomenclatures. So why do you still use labels like gay and bisexual?" Forrest smile was so bright that Michael felt physically warmed by it.
The historian advanced some slides and stopped at one that had the word 'queer' on a giant rainbow font.
What an idiot Michael thought I want to kiss him.
"I understand those who say labels are meant for clothes. And I get that, I really do. I think we are just using them wrong. Labels are too restrictive, too definitive. They should be more of a searching mechanism than a definition." Forrest passed to the next slide, showing a cloud of words regarding sexuality.
"It's good to know other people think and feel like you. For example, a transexual person might live years with a complex relationship regarding their body, but once they see the word 'dysphoria' they go 'wow, this is a thing, it’s not only me’. And by sharing information with others, slowly they build their own community where they truly feel like they belong. It can be deeply cathartic or it can be just a ‘huh, nice’. It happened to Alex with the word 'gay', to me with the word 'queer', and probably happened to you with the word 'bisexual'."
Forrest took a breath, opening his fourth water bottle to drink.
"The thing is, tomorrow a new term might be coined, and this word will offer a better definition of who you are than the one you are using today. And that's fine. Labels are supposed to help you find a place where you belong, a place that allows you to explore who you are. It's a shame we use them to put people into boxes where they can never leave. But hopefully things are changing and who knows what next generations will come up with. The bibliography has two books on queer theory, you'll like it."
After a moment of silence, Michael felt like clapping. If this was a true classroom, he would go to the man and kiss him in front of everyone.
"Thanks, Professor Long."
"You are very welcome, Mr. Guerin. Just a reminder my office hours are mondays and wednesdays, but I still require scheduling via e-mail."
What a dork. His professor-ish demeanour was gone in an instant, and Forrest was his normal self.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom. I need to pee really bad."
Michael and Alex laughed when Forrest sprinted. Both appreciated that man so much, and the handprint was not the only reason for it.
"Where did you find this guy, Manes?" Michael asked, still processing the whole afternoon.
"Technically you found him first, Guerin." Alex smiled, standing up and grabbing the mugs on the coffee table. "Want some more?"
"Yes, please."
Alex reached to caress Michael's cheek. It was supposed to be a quick sign of affection, but both men didn’t want it to end. Michael brought his hands to hold Alex' in place. He's been realising how much he needed platonic touches. He always liked them, for sure, but now he sees how essential they were to him. A brush of fingertips, a tight hug, a hand around his waist and a kiss on his cheek. Nothing particularly sexual, just tender.
Alex broke the silence with his soft voice.
"The handprint is almost gone but I sometimes feel you during the day. I... I'm going to miss it."
"I’m going to miss it too.” Michael caressed Alex’ hand, giving a kiss on his palm. “Yesterday I could feel you at night. Forrest must've taken a number on you because I was actually shaking by the time it stop."
Alex chuckled, his gaze going distant for a second. "Well, let’s just say this boy knows how to praise me like a god, and I’m addicted to it. I get chills everytime he says one good thing about me, and yesterday he was inspired.”
Michael was happy, he really was, but he couldn't stop the tightness in his chest. He wasn’t jealous of Forrest for making Alex happy. He actually just wanted to be part of that. He was longing for the day the three of them could start something. He knew Forrest was the missing piece for them to be truly cosmic.
Either the handprint or his face gave away Michael’s feelings, because Alex pulled back his hand. He made a gesture with his head, asking Michael to follow him in the kitchen, which he did.
Both men didn't notice a Forrest Long coming back, stopping on his tracks, and turning around to go to the bedroom. They had a complicated history long before Forrest, and everytime they spontaneously started a conversation, he felt like he shouldn't interfere.
"Guerin, do you know why I am so determined to wait for this print to completely fade?" He asked with his back turned on the cowboy, focusing on the task at hand.
Michael knew the reason, but couldn't bring himself to say out loud. This was one of the things they were working with him. He's been making some progress, but he wasn't quite there yet.
"Because I am afraid you are only accepting this because of the handprint. I know we can't manipulate the feelings, but I have my doubts. I was kidnapped, almost died from being shot and stabbed, and then you broke up with Maria, all in less than 24 hours."
He never stopped to put things in this perspective, but now he could see where Alex was going with this conversation. The moment everything made sense to him, Alex continued.
"You were vulnerable and Forrest was there. You two kissed on this couch for at least 20 minutes. And it terrifies me that you only did it because of this." Alex pointed at his abdomen. "It terrifies me that I might've manipulated your emotions, and as soon as this fades, you'll be disgusted by it."
Michael opened his mouth to contest, but Alex was faster.
"I know, I know, this is my anxiety showing me the most catastrophic scenario ever. But still, it's hard to ignore it."
He poured some coffee in Michael's Slipknot mug, taking a deep breath.
"I like Forrest and I don't want to leave him. I also don't want to be with you and leave him on hold, to go to him only in times of need. I… I love him with the same passion I love you. The three of us work so well and…”
Alex grabbed the countertop and took a deep breath. He then took their mug and put in front of Michael.
“You and I both know how suspicious it is when everything is going well. I never had ‘good’ in my life, Guerin. I had to fight for it and many times good things were beat the shit out of me. I feel like my dad will show up at the door and do things to us that would make us wish we were dead. I’m terrified that this thing we are trying to do is going to crash and burn. And if it does, when it does, I’ll have no choice left other than..." Alex couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud, but Michael knew.
"Alex..."
"What will I do if our connection ends and you realise you are jealous? Or that you don’t want Forrest? Or that you don't want me? Michael, if you ask me to choose between you and him, I'll be physically unable to answer. I'll spontaneously combust before answering. This is too good, right? A Manes man like me don't get to have good and..."
Alright, Alex said ‘Manes man’. Yeap. He was spiraling.
"Alex. Look at me and take a deep breath. I'll call Forrest in a minute, but first we need to sort this out." Now it was Michael turn to put his hand on the other man's cheek.
The gesture calmed Alex almost immediately, making him a bit more grounded to reality.
"That night you were so high on painkillers that all I felt was some... buzzing. Your feelings were there, of course, but they were muffled. I could feel you, but you were behind a thick glass. Sure, I was vulnerable, but that kiss grounded me for the rest of the day... hell, I think it grounded me for weeks after the initial shock. He was good to me and I wanted him."
Michael let go of his hand and took a sip of his coffee, delicious as always.
"I won't lie and say I am deeply in love with Forrest now. In the beginning I used to feel this... devotion... towards him, and I knew it was all because of you."
Alex tried to contest, but Michael stopped him.
"Yes, these deep and strong feelings are not as intense as they were before, but they are still here. You had one year to evolve this relationship, but I had only a month. Also the context is different. The love between you two matured while mine is still flourishing. Just give me some time, and both of us will be on the same page. Hell, this lecture today actually advanced our status a little bit. This guy is a dork."
"Yeah, he is." Alex said, visibly calmer with a small smile on his face.
"I'm scared too, Alex. I'm afraid we'll fall onto the same unhealthy bullshit we had in the past. But when this thoughts start to to creep on me, I remind myself that we are adults now. That no one can control us the same way they did a decade ago. I repeat it like a mantra, most times I have to do it for days. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but at least I'm trying. We are trying, and this is more than what we could do back then."
Alex closed his eyes and took another deep breath. He was still tense, but Michael’s words were soothing him.
"I have a feeling that we'll be the best versions of ourselves this time around. The proof is that in no point of our history together we could've had a conversation like this. It's on babysteps, but we're baring our souls here. Can you imagine our teenage selves trying to negotiate a three-way relationship? The mess it would've been."
Alex let out a chuckle, and with that Michael knew he managed to calm him down. He patted himself in the back, because the few times something similar happened, only Forrest could do it. This is a good sign he is learning.
"By the way, where's our pocket-size historian?" Michael asked.
"First of all, adorable nickname even though is much longer than his actual name. And second of all, probably in the bedroom. Must've seen us having this heart to heart conversation and went back. Hang on." And with that Alex shouted Forrest's name, and the blue-haired man showed up a few moments later.
"So, by the look on your faces y’all had a good talk. That makes me happy."
Surprisingly, for the first time, Forrest went to Michael, putting one of his arms around the cowboy's waist. Forrest grabbed the coffee mug and took a sip, humming happily.
"Did you know this mug is from Wyatt?” Michael and Alex stared at Forrest, waiting for one of his famous storytime. “He's a cowboy who likes heavy metal and totally misses the point of the genre. Anyway, he went to their show and bought this mug, and it became his favorite thing ever. Cut to last year when I show up for thanksgiving, he sees the background of my cell phone with the rainbow flag, and decides to make my life hell."
Forrest finished the coffee, and now was staring at the mug pensively.
"And I mean, hell. He drags me out of the closet in the middle of dinner and I actually have to go sleep with the horses. At least they weren't homophobes. Anyway, next morning I get this mug as a souvenir and he still thinks it was cousin Chris who did it. They haven't talked ever since."
Alex and Michael just stared at Forrest. He got really into the story, and Michael realised how many things they had in common.
Forrest smiled and raised the Slipknot mug. Alex raised his and Michael grabbed a random cup that was on the counter.
“To a non-normative way of life, my dudes.” As Alex and Michael repeated it, Forrest tossed the mug hard on the floor. The other two were shocked for a moment before doing the same. It was oddly freeing.
"I know you liked to drink from this mug, Michael, but I had to use this cathartic atmosphere to do it."
Michael laughed and gently put his hands on Forrest’s blue hair, turning his head to give a peck on the lips. That was the second time they were directly touchy with each other. Usually Alex was in the middle, being the bridge between them.
Forrest stayed like that for a few moments before leaving after a broom. On the way back, he went behind Alex, leaving a kiss on the nape of his neck.
Michael and Alex smiled at each other while Forrest cleaned the mess they made on the floor. The emotions on their faces were genuine, carefree. For the first time since the beginning they felt hope and excitement for what would come next.