Chapter Text
The front door shuts with a little more force than normal as Shuichi steps into their shared home. Shoes clatter to the floor, and he huffs as he hangs his heavy, black, wool coat.
A "Welcome home!" Echoes down the hallway from where Rantaro sits in the office, typing away on a work laptop. It is not devoid of enthusiasm, but it is clear he is in the middle of focusing on something.
"Thanks! Don"t mind me, I"m just going to take a shower first!" He calls back.
He trudges into their bedroom, throws off his dress shirt, his winter thermal underneath, and kicks his trousers off. The clothes form a messy pile on their bed, but he hasn"t spared a second glance to really notice. He"s too busy staring into the full body mirror.
His eyes scan over his naked form before they glaze over, words from his work replaying in his head.
"You skin-and-bones piece of shit! You stand there while you get real men to do the dirty work! Too weak are you? Ha...you"re practically a little boy."
"If you don"t want to hear that stuff so much, you should bulk up some more. You do look a bit weedy, bulking up would make you more manly."
His eyes carry a distain in them as he rips them from his reflection before he forces himself into the bathroom to shower.
As hot water falls on his shoulders, he laments how easily his pale skin burns. He"ll never have sun-kissed skin like Rantaro, bronzed as his large frame explores all over the world.
When his fingers glide across his arms and down his body to apply soap, he can"t help but wish he were taller, maybe a bit more broad too.
He wishes his muscles could disguise more of his naturally lean frame.
As fingers begin to tug on his hair, he wishes his time handling files gave him more calluses. He wishes he could be more tough, rugged, intimidating.
He wanted to be manly.
He wanted to be all of these things and more, even if only for Rantaro"s sake, so he could be with a real man. He wanted to be able to take his husband"s breath away and-
"Shuichi? I"m done with work. Want me to start on dinner?"
"Eer, y-yes! That would be nic- shit!" He trips over his words and his feet as he stumbles out of the shower and catches himself on the sink. As he slides to rest on his knees, he feels them ache and knows they"ll be bruised tomorrow.
Why must he be such a delicate flower?
"Hey are you okay? What happened?" A concerned voice travels through the door.
"Yeah yeah I just....slipped out of the shower. I"ll be fine in a minute." He can hear in his voice how fed up he is at this point. It thick and heavy in his throat and frankly, he thinks he"ll be longer than a minute.
Rantaro must pick up on it too, because he questions him. "You sure? You don"t need me to help out or grab anything?"
"N-no. I"m good honestly" which really translates to "No, don"t look at me right now"
A silence hangs in the air for a moment. It rings in his ears as goosebumps form on his damp skin.
Rantaro breaks it though.
"Okay, I"m gonna leave you to it, alright? But please, call for me if you need me"
It isn"t lost on Shuichi how there"s a pause before soft footsteps fade away.
He turns his body to rest against the cupboard under the sink, little door handles pressing into the middle of his back.
"This is so stupid." He croaks.
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He"s back in front of that full body mirror in their bedroom, his used towel discarded on that growing pile of clothes.
In fact, he"s been here for at least fifteen minutes now. Just staring, comparing and stuck.
"Hey Shuichi," The door opens suddenly as Rantaro pokes his head into the room "dinner is ready. Are you?"
Now Shuichi is a man of routine and organisation, he is quick and efficient in everything he does. So for Rantaro to see his husband naked, and stood in front of the mirror was highly unexpected.
And highly concerning.
"Soooooo. You"re not ready. What are you up to?"
Shuichi just looks at him blankly, before something in his face breaks. "I don"t look manly or tough, do I? I might as well be a twig in the wind, right?"
"Hey, whoa! Trust me you"re so much more than a twig." Shuichi huffs a laugh as Rantaro walks over and guides him to sit on the bed, sitting with him and keeping his hands on his shoulders. "Where is this coming from?"
"I just- I"m short, I"m pale, I"m scrawny. I wish I had your height and your tanned skin. I have muscle, but I don"t look strong enough to intimidate criminals or comfort victims. I just, don"t look good like you do..."
Rantaro moves the left hand that rests on his shoulders and slides it up to cup his face. His voice comes out low and gentle, but creaks and cracks at the edges.
"You have such a sharp jawline, you know. When I first met you, it really stood out to me."
"Combined with those eyes of yours, it creates this piercing look. You do know you have this detective"s look, right? When you"re thinking and you fix your eyes on a person and it"s the most chilling, intimidating thing I"ve seen. And it"s cool."
His hands slide together now, down past Shuichi"s shoulders and collarbone to linger at his sides. Fingers rest firmly around his ribs and waist, palms pressing into his obliques. The skin beneath is soft, with a very slight amount of give that shifts under his fingertips as Shuchi twists in the hold to get a better look at Rantaro.
"You really are strong, and you"ve become more sturdy and built since we first met. Yeah you"re lean, but you"re athletic. And we both know if you wore more layers like me, you"d look nearly as broad as me." He winks at the end of that, but when Shuichi remains stock still, he squeezes his waist tighter instead, hoping that little press of pressure communicates his adoration.
Rantaro pushes upwards slightly, nonverbally telling Shuichi to shift up on the bed. He does so and braces on his forearms as he leans back. Now he can move his hands further down, the gentle graze of fingertips on pale hip bones creating goosebumps to break out all over his body. They pause on his thighs, a tanned thumb stroking over tendons and muscle before stilling.
"Can we talk about your legs too? They"re so long and elegant. I like how your long coat flaps up around them when you"re running and in a rush. You"re like a protagonist out of a thriller mystery." He chuckles at his own observation. "Honestly, I really like your legs. Maybe a little too much."
He curves a hand around Shuichi"s lower back and moves to cuddle into Shuichi"s side. He fits his head into the creak of his neck, closing his eyes as navy blue hair tickles his face. Another hand rests of Shuichi"s bare chest.
"You mentioned not being tanned like me, but does that matter? I think we"re all beautiful. I know a lot of people these days want to be tanned, but your skin glows. It"s so soft, and against your dark hair it makes you look striking."
Shuichi"s eyes widen and he lifts the dark Rantaro isn"t curled around to look at his skin.
"I think in general you have sharper features, and that"s one of the things I really like about you. It gives off this sense of strength, almost like you"re regal. You"re like....ha, well, you get my point."
The detective does not miss the embarrassment blooming over Rantaro"s face. Red speaking across his cheeks and down to his shoulders. It floods him with warmth he hasn"t felt since this morning and he smiles, teeth showing. "Go on, I"m like a what?"
"Ahhh no, c"mon. I"ve said enough haven"t I? You get the idea don"t you?"
"Hmmmmm, I really don"t know. I thought you were building up to something there and I really won"t get it if you don"t finish."
"You are so cheeky! Fine, you"ve outdone me once again..." he falls silent for a moment, playfulness turning pensive. "I"ve always thought....that you"re like a prince."
As Shuichi"s features erupt with flustered embarrassment and Rantaro admires his expression, he notices something else light up in his eyes.
Clarity. Shuichi looks back into the mirror and takes his eyes back over his form once again. But whereas before his features had been cloudy and worn, his eyes hold a little confidence. They linger appreciatevly in a few places as his lips gently pull upwards.
With a nod and a hum, he turns back to Rantaro, who is also admiring Shuichi and slowly bringing his eyes back up to meet his gaze.
"Ah, I think I"m going to eeer, put some clothes on."
"Sure thing. I"ll just reheat dinner and we"ll find something fun to watch?"
"Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, Rantaro."
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In comfy joggers and baggy t-shirts the two sat side by side on their sofa. A soft, warm glow was cast from the lamp beside them, and mixed with the harsher hues of the flickering TV.
Rantaro gave Shuichi the opportunity to pick, but Shuichi asked he choose a favourite comedian of his own.
As laughter flowed effortlessly from the two, arms were draped over shoulders nd fingers danced playfully upon their arms, Shuichi reveled in how real this moment felt. In how tangible this happiness was.
He knew those feelings of inadequacy would return at some point. Self-love cab take years upon years to fully achieve after all. But he can hope that each time he has to face those feelings, he"ll get a little better at handling them.
And with Rantaro by his side, he knows he"ll never be short on support.