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It was a regular Friday inside the vault, Missy called the day the Doctor visited a Friday though in reality she had no idea but it seemed to fit. The Doctor had appeared beside the wooden room divider that separated her sleeping area from the rest of the vault with a pizza box in his hand and a smile on his face.
They lounged on a rug on the floor of the main area as they ate together. The Doctor telling her a tale of a sinister puddle and a girl with stars in her eyes. Missy thought it was quite obvious how the story was going to end but the Doctor was so animated, smiling and laughing as he told her how he and this girl Bill from his school had figured it all out, even going off world for the first time in so long.
“I'm pleased you had fun dear, though I must say it was a liiiittle predictable.” She half sung the word predictable. “So is this girl going to be the new Clara then? It's been quite a while since you've had a pet.” She asked taking a bite of her pizza.
The offhand comment about getting a new pet was a front, Missy knew, a false bravado to stop the Doctor from seeing how worried she was. How jealous. He spends every Friday with me! What's going to happen when he starts hopping from planet to planet with this human? Is he even going to remember to get back for Friday? With his flying skills he'll be gone for weeks at a time and won't even care that I'm stuck here all alone. He's the only one worth my time to talk to the only one remotely interesting...
“Don’t.” The Doctor's dark warning tone dragging her out of her internal panic.
“Excuse me?” Missy asked confused and a little taken aback by his tone. “What did I say wrong now? Was it the genders? I’m always messing them up. Oh! No, calling them pets that's it isn't it? That's ... offensive yeah?”
“Don’t talk about Clara.... please.” His anger fading into a sadness Missy recognised.
She wondered why he kept picking them, usually human, with such tiny lifespans and so fragile. It was hardly a surprise they barely lasted half a decade with him and his lifestyle. The closest he got was on Delirium and even that ended. But the sadness in the Doctor’s voice made Missy's hearts do that clenching thing, the one where she wanted to fix what was wrong even though it wasn’t her fault. If only he would have agreed to travel with her it would save him the pain of them dying or leaving or moving on.
“Did she die?” Missy asked in her best attempt at ‘nice’.
The Doctor paused, resting his head in his palm before replying “Yes, I mean I think so. It's all very fuzzy. Something happened, with my memory and she's just gone. I know she was a teacher and we travelled together, I know where we went and what we did but I don’t remember her.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong but isn't it better to not remember? Wouldn’t that ...” Missy waved her hand around searching for the right word “hurt less?”
“No.” Was all the Doctor replied.
Rolling onto her front Missy stared at the Doctor. He was upset, that much she understood, but why did she care? She didn't do anything to Clara or his memory so why did she feel this great need to make it better? Then she had an idea. She got to her knees and shuffled towards him a little, the Doctor looked up at her when he heard the sound.
“I remember her. We met a few times, I actually set you two up, I don't know if you remember that. I can show you? If you like?” she asked, lifting her hands to indicate she meant to link with his mind telepathically.
The Doctor pushed her hands gently down, “No, just... no. It wouldn't be the same, seeing it from your side.”
Missy looked down to ground, his rejection stung, she had only wanted to help him feel better. Isn't that being good? Wanting to help, trying to help. If it's not good enough why should I even try. If even the Doctor won't accept my help maybe I'll never be good enough. Maybe he'll never think I'm good. As the burning behind her eyes threatened to spill over she heard his soft “Thank you.”
Her desperation must have shown on her face as she looked up because concern flashed across his.
“What's the matter?” he asked.
Missy faltered “I.. I'm not sure. I think I'm upset because you're upset. That's ridiculous I know.” She scoffed.
“Oh Missy,” the Doctor smiled at her “that's empathy. It's a good thing.”
She huffed.
“Well it's stupid! I didn't do anything wrong yet I'm here feeling feelings and wanting to comfort you! I tried to help and you said no what am I going to do give you a wee cuddle.” her ever changing accent getting thicker as she got more worked up.
“Trust me Missy, it's progress. It might not feel good right now but empathy is a good thing.” The Doctor said still smiling at her.
He was happy with her feeling like this. All the hearts clenching feelings and wanting to comfort him, he didn’t even reject the comment about her giving him a hug. He wasn't the hugging type and really neither was she. As Missy thought this a memory came to mind, of her first year or two in the vault, the night her wrist got hurt and the Doctor held her for hours while she cried. Maybe it's okay sometimes. Maybe he wouldn’t mind. Maybe it would make him happy. Maybe it'd make me good.
She was still on her knees in front of the Doctor as he sat legs stretched out resting on an elbow. He still looked sad. He was an expert in covering how he was feeling, Missy knew this, but she could see it in his eyes. A closely guarded sadness that she didn’t know how to fix.
It was then she took a risk. She did it quickly before she could second guess herself. She laid her head in the Doctor's lap. She closed her eyes so she didn’t have to see his reaction, laying curled up on her side now with her head placed gently on his lap Missy hoped he understood.
The Doctor tensed beneath her “What are you doing?” he asked.
“Comforting you stupid. You said it was a good thing.” Missy replied in a harsh tone that she hoped covered how nervous she was. Being kind didn't come particularly naturally.
“Erm yes I said that didn't I and physical contact is a form of comfort sooo of course, yes it’s a good thing.” The Doctor rambled, clearly thrown off by her actions.
Missy stayed very still, it was almost like she was waiting for the Doctor to push her away, reject her attempts at being nice, being good. But the moment she was waiting for didn't come. He was still tense beneath her but wasn't trying to leave. She chanced a peek at him and found him staring down at her, this time the emotions on his face were a mystery to her. Missy closed her eyes again quickly, hearts thumping like she'd been caught doing something naughty.
She took a deep breath.
“Sooo... tell me more about the Daleks getting taken out by the puddle. I do love a good story where the Daleks lose.” Missy asked, attempting to break the ice.
“Ah well,” the Doctor began, immediately jumping back into his story with as much animation as before.
Missy wasn't listening, not really, she lay looking at him happily telling her the story and she felt.. good. She had no idea if she had cheered him up at all but it felt nice knowing she'd tried. She smiled. Maybe being ‘good’ wouldn't be so bad.