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We’re All A Little Twisted

Chapter 10

Notes:

Okay, I asked and you answered, so here is your happy ending... with a twist.

A few things before reading: I know what I did with this is not canonically possible (regarding Merlin), nor is it an accurate representation of how people would probably react to such an event happening. However, this is why it’s called “fanfiction”.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

ONE YEAR LATER
   Life settled down, as it always seems to do. As the city was cleaned up, and homes were repaired and rebuilt, things seemed to go back to normal. The people were not so easily fixed, but given time, they, too, healed. Warm nights had faded into chillier mornings, and soon bringing in the harvest took over everyone’s minds. Preparations for winter because more important than stewing in old memories. That winter was hard for Arthur. Watching his people heal and move on was bittersweet. It was difficult to be happy with them when he felt hollow, like a piece of him was missing.

   With spring came more smiles. Gradually, hard scowls and shudders were replaced by fond smiles and relaxed reminiscences whenever Merlin’s name was mentioned. Every now and then, someone would get a haunted look in their eye, but it was generally expelled when someone spoke of how a boy from the country had tripped clumsily into the prince’s life, and changed him for the better. It took time, but slowly the citizens of Camelot spoke of how kind Merlin had been, instead of how terrifying he had momentarily become. It seemed that, that boy from so many months ago had been right. The people of Camelot were kind hearted and forgiving. Not that it mattered. There was no trace of Merlin to be found.

   Arthur hadn’t been expecting to hear from Merlin for a while after he had left, but he had been hoping for some news eventually. As the months passed, and no word came, Arthur grew restless. He had allowed Gwaine and Lancelot to ride out in search of him, or even a tiny whisper of his whereabouts, but each time they came back empty handed. It seemed that Merlin had been true to his word. He didn’t want to be found.

   And so it was, that Arthur ruled over Camelot with a heavy heart. He politely declined the hands of passing nobles’ daughters. His people, although not aware of the truth behind his decision, never seemed to question it. Things went back to the way they had been before. Peaceful, quiet, and at times, even boring. As it always does, life moved on.

   When Arthur awoke exactly one year after Merlin’s departure, he had a heavy heart. As it had all that time ago, things had been quiet in Camelot. There were no looming attacks from other kingdoms, no domestic disputes that required his hand in settling. As far as that day was concerned, Arthur had a free schedule. He had rearranged all his council meetings, and other duties, to give himself the day off. Training of the knights had been passed to Leon for the day. Arthur had every intention of getting on his horse and leaving, not intending to return until nightfall.

   His new servant, the boy from last year, was on time with his breakfast (something Arthur still wasn’t used to, after all this time), and picked out weather appropriate clothes. Arthur assured him he didn’t require any more assistance, and sent him on his way. He kept his mind as blank as possible as he ate, not wanting to relive the events of the previous year. After dressing, he wrapped his cloak around his shoulders, and left the room. No one bothered him on his way out of the castle, except to give him discreet, pitying looks. He ignored them all.

   His horse seemed happy to see him, chomping the bit excitedly as he mounted up into the saddle. He ran a hand down the brown neck and soothed it in soft tones. He glances around the courtyard before nudging his mount with his heels and walking to the exit. A voice calling out his name pulls him up short after only a handful of strides. Looking back, he spots Gwen and Lancelot approaching him, hands tangled together at their sides.

   “Where will you be going, my Lord?” Lancelot asks, still stubborn in his proprietary ways. Arthur smiles softly.

   “I’m not entirely sure.” He replies, he can feel an invisible pull on his mind, urging him to go somewhere very specific, only he couldn’t understand why. He supposed that the scenery there is beautiful this time of year. Perhaps his subconscious mind wants the quiet relaxation of a body of water. “I was thinking the Lake of Avalon.”

   A flicker of something passes over Lancelot’s face, but Arthur can’t place it for the life of him. Gwen’s lips purse for a moment before she schools her expression back to normal. The pair are acting quite odd, and had it been another day, Arthur may have taken the time to find out why. As it was, he simple wanted to be on his way.

   “You will remain undisturbed unless something of great importance comes up.” Lancelot promises, Bowing his head slightly. Arthur frowns slightly, but nods.

   “Very well. Thank you.” Is all he says before turning back and breaking into a trot. He hears a conversation playing out between the two behind him, but he’s soon out of the courtyard and leaving them behind. Kind smiles and more pitying glances await him as he passes through the Lower Town. He returns the smiles, but still steadfastly doesn’t acknowledge the other looks. He had spread a word or two, here and there, a while back about Merlin potentially returning, and while there hadn’t been an uprising among the people, these glances had started.

   Arthur remains vigilant as he moves through the city, only relaxing as he leaves the walls and stone behind. The fresh air is already working wonders on his overstretched nerves. He had thrown himself into his duties as king over the past year, desperate to keep the people’s faith in him after what happened, but had clearly overtaxed himself in the process. Had Merlin still been his servant, he surely would’ve received an earful long before now. Granted, had Merlin still been his servant, his potentially self-destructive fall into work wouldn’t have been warranted.

   Thoughts of Merlin sing a sad tune in his heart, as they always did now, but curiously also strengthened the pull to the lake in his mind. He and Merlin had been to the lake together before, obviously, but he can’t seem to place any particular importance on the place that would make him crave it on this day. However, if it was peace and quiet his mind and soul craved, then he would willingly do as it wanted.

   Arthur takes his time, riding leisurely through the trees. He had all day, no matter how insistent the tug on his mind was. It was spreading down to his chest, leaving a lingering, and increasingly hard to ignore, feeling of needing to rush. He combats the feeling as long as he can until his stomach starts twisting as well, and he finally gives up and urges his horse faster. They move along at a brisk pace, avoiding large roots, fallen trees, and low hanging branches as Arthur follows the mystifying pull toward his destination. His entire body erupts into tingles as he draws nearer, further confusing him. What was it about this place that his body so clearly desired?

   An overwhelming sense of calm washes over him as the lake comes into view between the trees. He pauses for a moment, content to just breathe the feeling in, before a swoop in his chest urges him forward again. He stops a short distance away and dismounts, leaving his horse tied securely to a solid branch, and continues on his way on foot. As the shores get closer, the buzzing in his veins grows stronger. The reason continues to elude him until he takes another step and sees someone kneeling by the water.

   His footsteps alert the man to his presence, and he looks over his shoulder, eyes connecting with Arthur’s. He looks older, more than simply a year should have done. Maybe it’s the haggard look on his face, or the slightly longer, unkempt hair, or perhaps the shade of his skin that is just a couple shades too light. But no matter how he may look, Arthur would recognize him anywhere.

   “Merlin.” He breathes, footsteps faltering before continuing forward on their own. He’s blessed with a small, barely there smile pulling one corner of the man’s mouth up.

   “Hi, Arthur.” Merlin replies softly. Even his voice sounds tired, and Arthur feels himself frown with concern. Whatever Merlin had been doing this last year, he really should have been taking better care of himself.

   Arthur comes to stop a few feet away, eyes roving over the man in front of him. Was he even real? Arthur opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. He closes his mouth and swallows, intent on trying again. What finally fumbles its way out of his mouth is, “What have— where have— Merlin?”

   That barely there smile grows. “At first, I sought out the druids, hoping they could help me. When they couldn’t, I had to seek out my answers elsewhere. I’ve been... everywhere.” Merlin replies quietly. Arthur studies him even closer.

   “And what question did you want answered?” He asks. He had always been curious about Merlin. To his disappointment, however, Merlin’s small smile just turns sad, the emotion lingering in his eyes as well. Merlin only holds his gaze for another moment or two before looking away. When Arthur realizes that he isn’t going to get that particular question answered yet, he follows up with, “What have you been doing while you’ve been everywhere?”

   That question brings Merlin’s eyes back to his, but he still doesn’t speak. Arthur hesitates, debating his decision, before taking the last few steps to bring him to Merlin’s side. When the man doesn’t move or flinch away, Arthur slowly lowers himself down to the ground. Perhaps he will seem less intimidating if he were to be at Merlin’s level instead of standing over him. Merlin’s smile perks up a bit at Arthur’s proximity, but his eyes still look haunted.

   At last, Merlin clears his throat. “I tried my best to help anyone I came across. I stayed with a family for about a week, helping them tend the farm and bring in the harvest. The woman reminded me of my mother. All by herself with two little kids. She tried to repay me for my help, but I wouldn’t let her. She also offered to let me stay as long as I wanted, but I couldn’t. I still felt too... dangerous. I didn’t want to risk hurting them, so once the harvest was in, I left.”

   Arthur nods, watching Merlin’s face intently. So many different and complex emotions were flitting across his features that Arthur found it difficult to keep up with them. “What about after that? How did you survive the winter alone outside?”

   Merlin glances at him from the corner of his eye, then looks away again. “When I insisted on leaving, she gave me her warmest cloak. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. She told me that my face screamed of tragedy, but that no matter what had happened, I had a good heart, and therefore deserved her kindness. I had helped her and her children, and she was immensely grateful.” He shrugs as his head ducks down closer to his chest.

   “Smart woman.” Arthur comments. Merlin doesn’t reply. Another moment of thoughtful silence passes between them as Merlin further debates what to tell Arthur about his time away.

   “I saved a girl from drowning.” He continues quietly. “She had slipped under the ice on a river nearby her town. I heard her brother shouting for help. It was... nice to use my magic for something so undeniably good. I made sure they both got back to their parents safely, but didn’t stick around after that, despite their protests. They once again insisted I take some food for my travels, and bid me goodbye. Before I could get too far away though, the girl came running back, and just hugged me as tight as she could. She thanked me for saving her life, then for some reason just looked me in the eye and told me that I wasn’t a monster. I left pretty quickly after she let me go. I still wasn’t sure that I believed her words to be true.”

   When he stops to take a gulp of air, Arthur takes a chance to reach out and gently touch the outside of Merlin’s wrist. Merlin looks at him, locking gazes again. Arthur wants to tell him that the girl was right, that Merlin wasn’t a monster, he never was, but he felt there was more to Merlin’s story. Sure enough, Merlin gives himself a shake, and tears his eyes away from Arthur’s.

   “After that, I just drifted. I still hadn’t found what I was looking for, and I just felt so lost.” Merlin sounds so broken that Arthur can scarcely breathe. “I still stopped along the way, and helped who I could, but it was getting colder, and soon the snow came. Very little people were out in such weather, so more often than not, I found myself alone. I guess it wasn’t all bad. In a way, it felt like penance for what I had done. It wasn’t too long after the first snow that I met a wandering knight. He was looking for a worthy king to pledge allegiance to, and he took me in. You might know him. When we split ways, I told him to go to you. Sir Geriant?”

   Arthur smiles at the name. Yes, he was familiar with Sir Geriant. He had appeared seemingly out of nowhere many months back, saying that he wanted to serve Camelot, and that a friend had sent him. He wouldn’t say who the friend was, but Arthur had always secretly hoped that it had been Merlin. Turns out he had been right. The man was very kind. Noble and brave. The perfect material for a knight of Camelot, and he had fit in quite well amongst the others.

   “He helped me in my search for answers. Despite everything I told him, he stuck by my side. I owe him my life, actually.” He adds on softly. Arthur looks at him curiously. His new knight hadn’t mentioned anything about his life before Camelot, and certainly nothing about saving a man’s life.

   “How so?” Arthur asks. Merlin gives him a very brief, pained look.

   Merlin lets out a shaky breath before replying, “He taught me how to use a sword. You had tried to teach me the basics before, but I never really picked it up, you know? I had my duties to you and Gaius to perform, and half the time I was so busy running around behind your back, saving you, that I had little time to really learn new skills. Geriant traveled with me, teaching me skills everyday until I was good enough to protect myself. When we found what I had been seeking, I repaid him by telling him about you, that you were a king worthy of his allegiance. He helped me, so I gave him a purpose.”

   Arthur nods, feeling a sense of pride in his new knight, before Merlin’s words fully register in his brain. “Why would you need a sword to protect yourself when you have magic?” He asks. When Merlin bites his lip and looks away, he demands, “Merlin, what did you do?”

   Instead of verbally answering, Merlin holds out his hand and mutters an incantation under his breath. Arthur waits, but nothing happens. Nothing appears in Merlin’s hand, and there’s no golden glow around his eyes. He looks up with a silent question in his eyes, and Merlin smiles back sadly.

   “It’s gone.” He whispers. “I ripped it out. The spell was difficult to find, and very risky. It nearly killed me, and there were days when I wished it had. My magic was so interwoven into my very being, that tearing it out was almost unbearable.”

   Arthur stares at him in shock. “Why?” He breathes.

   Merlin meets his eyes. “The power I had... I had always used it for good. It wasn’t an evil thing, I know that. But to be pushed aside in my own mind, to helplessly watch my power be manipulated to hurt, and inflict such pain... I couldn’t live with the possibility of it happening again. It was the only way to prove that I wasn’t a monster.”

   Arthur looks away, out over the lake. “You did all this just so you could come home?” He asks quietly.

   “No.” Merlin counters softly. “I did it to put my own mind at ease.” A silence falls between them following Merlin’s words, and Arthur struggles to find a way to break it.

   “Is it gone for good, then?” He finally asks.

   Merlin shakes his head. “Magic itself cannot be destroyed, no matter what your father believed. It’s in all life around us. It can only be shifted, from one thing to another. My magic was, is, unique to me, and I was warned before performing the spell that eventually it would find its way back to me. It would take time, probably a long time, but it would slowly return. Not all at once, but little by little, like water drops filling a bucket.”

   Arthur nods, trying to wrap his head around Merlin’s sacrifice. “How long ago was this?” He asks. “And what have you been doing since?”

   Merlin looks out over the lake when he answers, “It was long enough ago.” He shrugs and looks down. “I struggled at first. My body had to relearn what it was without my magic being a part of it. It was hard, but I slowly figured out who I was without it. Since then, I’ve been doing what I did before: helping people. Up until something called me here.” He looks back at Arthur, meeting his eyes. Arthur’s heart stammers in his chest, and he gets this feeling of just being right.

   “I missed you so much, Merlin.” He breathes, twisting around to wrap his arms around Merlin’s shoulders, and pulling him into a hug. He feels the man shift in his arms before he feels arms wrap tightly around him as Merlin buries his face in his neck.

   Merlin’s words are muffled against Arthur’s neck when he replies, “I missed you, too. Every day.” They sit there by the lake, just wrapped up in each other’s embrace. If Arthur felt the wetness of tears on his neck, then he doesn’t comment on them. Merlin is silently grateful for that. He makes sure to compose himself as they slowly pull away from each other.

   Arthur doesn’t let Merlin go far, catching his cheek with his palm. He brushes his thumb over his cheekbone as he gives him a watery smile. Merlin returns it with one of his own, and as it finally reaches his eyes, Arthur leans in to press their lips together. The effect on Arthur is instantaneous. He had spent the last year feeling hollow, like a vital part of himself was missing. He had moved through each day as if he was numb. He could function, and he performed all his duties to the best of his abilities, but he had felt incomplete. All of that disappears, slipping away into nothing, as he feels Merlin melt into the embrace, their lips melding in the warm, summer air.

   When they separate, Arthur feels breathless. He keeps his eyes closed as he leans his forehead against Merlin’s. His fingers reach out needily, gripping into Merlin’s jacket and just hanging on. Maybe he’s subconsciously worried that Merlin will disappear if he lets go. That’s the only way he can really explain his sudden clinginess.

   “What about you?” Merlin asks softly, gently nudging their noses together. “How have things been back in Camelot?” He almost chokes on the word. Arthur opens his eyes, and is met with Merlin’s endless blue ones, now swimming with such sadness and regret.

   “It took a while, but things have settled.” He replies. “The people have healed, both in body and mind. No one will ever forget what happened, but it’s in the past now. I think... I think for the most part, they’ve moved on. The people of Camelot have truly shown just how kind they are.” He pauses to think for a moment. “Your friends all miss you dearly. I’m sure they would love to see you again.”

   Merlin pulls away, biting his lip uncertainly as he averts his eyes. “I don’t know, Arthur. How can I ever go back? What I did—“

   “Wasn’t your fault.” Arthur interrupts firmly. Merlin looks so helplessly broken and lost when he looks back.

   “That doesn’t really matter, though, does it?” He counters sadly. Arthur will admit that at first, his people had been frightened. They had been angry. But they had also moved on. They no longer spoke his name with fear and hate, instead now speaking it with an almost fond sadness. It had taken time, but they now understood that even at the time, Merlin had been fighting to try and save them. Arthur wishes that he knew of a way to convince Merlin of that.

   Merlin still looks so miserable that Arthur reaches up to brush a stray lock of his dark hair off his forehead. “At the very least, you could come back to get a proper haircut.”

   His teasing does the trick, and Merlin smiles weakly. He gently shoves Arthur’s hand away as he mumbles, “Prat.”

   Arthur smiles and leans closer to press a kiss to Merlin’s forehead. He would like nothing more than to have Merlin return home with him. Camelot has felt just as empty as Arthur had without the man there. Unfortunately, it was not his decision. It was Merlin’s. No matter what Arthur thought the man did, or did not, deserve, if Merlin though he needed more punishment, he would take it.

   He gives Merlin a soft, slow kiss, murmuring as he pulls away, “Camelot will always be your home, Merlin. No matter what you believe, it is the truth. If it is the people you are afraid of, then you need only show them that you’ve paid the price for what you have done. If it is me, then know this: I have loved you every day of your absence.”

   Merlin blinks back conflicted tears, struggling out of Arthur’s grasp and getting to his feet. He paces several steps away before stopping and turning back. He still looks so damn broken, so scared, and Arthur feels helpless to stop it. He doesn’t know how to comfort the man currently trembling before him. He slowly rises to his feet, Merlin jerking back slightly as Arthur moves to once again embrace him.

   “I want to go back,” Merlin breathes, “but how can you be sure that I am not hated amongst your people? How can you be sure that my return won’t create a riot in the city? They would lose faith in you, rise up against you, overthrow your rule. How can I risk that?” He asks desperately.

   Arthur settles his hands on either side of Merlin’s face. “Because I know my people, and they know you. It’s okay, Merlin. You’re safe.” Merlin chokes on a sob, tears slipping down his pale cheeks. “Merlin, come home.”

   He holds his breath for a moment, only letting it out when Merlin nods shakily. He draws him in for another kiss, heart singing as he feels Merlin press closer. Of course, he can’t be entirely sure of his people’s reaction, but he believes in them. Everything will be okay now, especially once they learn of his sacrifice. He no longer has the power to destroy armies surging through his body. He’s just like them. Arthur kisses him more firmly, more desperately, at the thought. This beautiful man gave up the very thing that made him unique, just to pay for his sins. That was not the action of a guilty man. Merlin was pure of heart, and he was sure that the people of Camelot would see that, and remember.

Notes:

So there it is. It’s up to you to decide if things truly end happy or not. I made small suggestions at what I would like to believe, but you can all decide for yourself. Like I said... a happy ending with a twist.

Notes:

I am officially now on tumblr! I suck at technology, so you’ll just have to go the old fashioned way of looking up: messandahalf10 😂

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