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When it knocks at the door, Jiang Cheng frowns. He exchanges a look with Lan Xichen but going by his shrug, he doesn’t know who it could be either.
After all, Nie Mingjue just left to meet with Nie Huaisang and neither Jiang Cheng nor Lan Xichen expect their siblings—or anyone else for that matter—to drop by.
So when Jiang Cheng opens the door and comes face to face with Nie Huaisang, he is understandably confused.
“Mingjue just left?” Jiang Cheng tries because Nie Mingjue has told them about the meeting, but Nie Huaisang simply smiles at him and pushes his way into their apartment.
“Yes, I know,” Nie Huaisang says pleasantly and walks straight past Jiang Cheng into the living-room where Lan Xichen is still waiting.
“Huaisang?” Lan Xichen asks when he sees him. “Is everything alright?”
“Of course it is,” Nie Huaisang winks off and then sits down on the couch like he owns the place.
“Aren’t you supposed to meet with Mingjue?” Jiang Cheng grumbles and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
“Don’t worry about that,” Nie Huaisang tells them and flicks open his fan to hide his smile behind it. “I’m here for you.”
“Uh-oh,” Lan Xichen says with a sigh and sits down opposite of Nie Huaisang. “I know what this is.”
“I don’t, so would please someone just explain what’s happening here!” Jiang Cheng says, voice slightly raised.
“It’s the shovel talk,” Lan Xichen explains to him and pats the space next to him.
“And you’re going to sit down now,” Nie Huaisang says and points with the fan at Jiang Cheng and then at the couch.
Jiang Cheng raises his eyebrow, but he does what Nie Huaisang asks of him.
“The shovel talk, really?” Jiang Cheng grumbles. “What are we, five?”
“No, you’re not. But you,” Nie Huaisang says and points at Lan Xichen, “are my brother’s best friend since childhood and you,” the fan turns towards Jiang Cheng, “are my best friend since childhood. And yet here you are, thinking you get to date my brother. That you’re good enough for him.”
“Well, he did choose us,” Lan Xichen carefully reminds Nie Huaisang who levels him with a look.
“And that is the only reason I didn’t already dispose of your bodies somewhere,” Nie Huaisang shoots back and Jiang Cheng swallows.
He has only been on the receiving end of a shovel talk once, and he doubts Lan Xichen ever gets threatened over someone he dates, but Jiang Cheng can already tell that this is going to be an experience.
And not a pleasant one, judging by the glint in Nie Huaisang’s eyes.
“Okay,” Lan Xichen nods seriously and Jiang Cheng slumps back against the couch.
“Just lay it on us,” he tells Nie Huaisang, hoping to get this over with as soon as possible.
“Fine,” Nie Huaisang huffs and shuts his fan with a flick of his wrist.
It makes an ominous cracking sound and Jiang Cheng wonders if he has to fear for his life here.
“You,” Nie Huaisang starts accusingly and levels them both with a look, “you think you just get to barge in and date my brother.”
“We didn’t barge in,” Jiang Cheng objects. “We tried to court him first.”
“And how well did that go over?” Nie Huaisang wants to know and Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen share a look.
“Not so well?” Lan Xichen eventually offers carefully and Nie Huaisang nods.
“Not so well,” he agrees. “So, please tell me, if you can’t even manage to court my brother right, what makes you think you get to date him now?”
“It’s not our fault Mingjue is a blockhead when it comes to flirting,” Lan Xichen protests and then thinks further into the couch when Nie Huaisang levels him with a glare so intense Jiang Cheng feels a shudder go down his back. “I mean that in the nicest way possible,” Lan Xichen tacks on and Nie Huaisang narrows his eyes at him, but ultimately lets it go.
“I admit signs have been misunderstood,” Nie Huaisang allows after a moment and Jiang Cheng lets out a small sigh.
“But,” Nie Huaisang goes on and Jiang Cheng is immediately on alert again, “that does not mean that you can slack off now. You are going to pamper the hell out of my brother,” he tells them and both Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng nod vigorously.
“We love him. Of course we’re going to pamper him,” Jiang Cheng tells Nie Huaisang hums thoughtfully.
“You better. If I hear that you don’t spoil him enough, I am going to end you,” he threatens them. “If you break his heart or make him unhappy in any shape or form, I am going to be the last thing you see in your miserable little lives. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but rest assured that you will not see it coming.”
Jiang Cheng swallows, because he believes Nie Huaisang every word.
“Are you against us dating your brother?” Lan Xichen hesitantly asks and Nie Huaisang pauses for a moment.
“No,” he finally decides. “It’s a little bit strange especially with how Jiang Cheng is my childhood friend, but no. If you make him happy, I don’t care.”
Jiang Cheng hears the implication in that loud and clear—Nie Huaisang will start to care the moment Nie Mingjue appears unhappy—and nods.
“Like I said, we love him. We never want to see him unhappy.”
“Your luck because otherwise I’m going to get really creative,” Nie Huaisang tells them both and then gets up. “And that’s about it from my side,” he then cheerfully adds and Jiang Cheng feels like he just got whiplash with how fast his mood changed.
“That’s it?” he asks to make sure and Nie Huaisang beams at him.
“That’s it,” he agrees and then simply leaves them in their living-room.
The last thing they hear of him is the low klick of the door.
“Okay, that was terrifying,” Jiang Cheng mutters and Lan Xichen turns towards him with a curious look on his face.
“More terrifying than Wangji?” Lan Xichen asks and Jiang Cheng nods.
“Yes, definitely. I know your brother could break me in half, so when he says he’s going to do that, it’s not a surprise. But Huaisang? I doubt he could even drag either of us somewhere without working up a sweat and you know how he hates those. So when he says he’s going to come for us, that actually scares me.”
Lan Xichen ponders that for a moment before he shrugs.
“Okay, maybe, but nothing beats Wei Wuxian,” Lan Xichen says with a shudder and Jiang Cheng stares at him.
“What?” he asks, because Jiang Cheng has been under the impression that Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli hadn’t bothered to threaten Lan Xichen. “You got a shovel talk from him?”
“Of course I did. And it was the single most terrifying thing I have ever experienced in my life.”
“From Wei Wuxian?” Jiang Cheng repeats just to make sure and Lan Xichen nods.
“He and Yanli came over when you were at work,” Lan Xichen tells him. “And you know how Wei Wuxian gets when he’s all over-caffeinated and sleep deprived and manic on some new project?”
Jiang Cheng knows exactly how Wei Wuxian gets, so he nods.
“So he stormed in, Yanli hot on his heels, and he asked me to sit down. And then he got all these plans out.”
“Plans?”
Lan Xichen makes an agreeing noise and then goes a shade paler, just from the memory it seems.
“First he started with how much blood a human body can lose before it completely shuts down. Then he pointed out that the wrists are absolutely not the way to go,” Lan Xichen explains and Jiang Cheng can only stare. “After that, he got in on how to best dismember a body—the joints, in case you were wondering—before sketching out just how big the biggest parts would be.”
“Oh, dear,” Jiang Cheng mutters and takes Lan Xichen’s hand in his.
“And then, he got out a plan of the city. Did you know there are around eight landfill sites in this city? No? Well, I do. And I know that because Wei Wuxian explained to me in great detail how things decompose and that no one would even smell my body rotting away there.”
“Holy,” Jiang Cheng breathes out and Lan Xichen looks at him.
“I wake up sometimes, knowing that there’s a spot in this city with my name on it. I still have nightmares. When we pass a landfill, I wonder if this is the place where Wei Wuxian will dump me.”
“What did my sister do?” Jiang Cheng asks, because he can’t imagine that she would condone behaviour like that.
“She smiled that saccharine, terrifying smile she has, the one she brings out right before she cuts a lesser man down, patted my cheek and sweetly told me ‘Take care of your A-Cheng, would you?’ before they both left.”
“Oh, my light, I’m so sorry,” Jiang Cheng says, but he has a hard time suppressing his laugh.
“So, yeah, Huaisang might be scary, but nothing beats your siblings.”
“Ah, I see that now,” Jiang Cheng agrees and steps closer to Lan Xichen. “Do you need me to kiss it better?” he wants to know and Lan Xichen immediately nods, so Jiang Cheng steps right in and tries to kiss the memory straight from Lan Xichen’s mind.
They stumble back to the couch, where they eventually doze off, content with cuddling and staying close and this is where Nie Mingjue finds them when he comes home.
He is a lot paler than Jiang Cheng would like, but Lan Xichen only sends him a knowing look.
“Landfills?” he asks him, and Nie Mingjue startles as if he hasn’t even seen them yet, but then he nods.
“So many landfills,” he agrees and immediately comes over to the couch, making space for himself there.
“You are not ever allowed to leave me alone with your siblings ever again,” Nie Mingjue declares and Jiang Cheng snorts, before he moves to flop down over Nie Mingjue’s chest.
“Noted,” Lan Xichen promises him and takes Nie Mingjue’s hand to press a kiss to the back of it. “But in case you are wondering, Huaisang can be quite scary, too,” Lan Xichen tells him then and Nie Mingjue smiles smugly at them.
“I should hope so,” he gives back and then closes his eyes. “Time to sleep off the shock,” he decides and pulls them both even closer, even though Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng are already cuddled up to him.
But they don’t protest the move and soon enough, they all drift off.