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i have two eyes to dissolve my heart to be red / red sunset / to you, who feels far away
the sea has crept its way up the shore to her toes. the sun is setting, the skies are golden, the water - stretching far and beyond where her imagination can take - is blushing. a wintry breeze approaches her shrivelled form.
six months in iceland, and haseul’s still not used to the cold.
“the winds of day drop dead and dreams come home to me,” she recites, “the sea is still, and apart is a stillness in my heart."
“i remember that poem,” comes the voice through her earphones. sooyoung’s laugh is contagious and bright, but haseul doesn’t feel well enough to laugh along with her. “i found that on the internet while we were on the roof of the science building! i didn’t know you liked it that much.”
the memory is nice. she remembers clearly the thrill of sneaking past locked doors and climbing tall gates, remembers losing her footing and holding on to sooyoung for dear life, even though she was far from falling to her death. sooyoung would never let her fall.
“the winds of day drop dead, and dreams come home to me,” sooyoung recites back, and for a second haseul is back in seoul - where the sunsets are less of a grandiose spectacle but the summers are warmer. brighter. sooyoung is by her side reading her more poems about sunsets. they’re laughing at how pretentious some of them are. but not ‘out of the sunset’s red’, haseul likes that one.
when the memory fades, so goes the smile on her face. she’s thrown back into the monochrome lanscape that has been temporarily painted orange. “it seems more poetic now that i’m reading it on the beach,” she remarks. “i miss you.” her voice cracks. she tries saying it again, and her voice cracks again. her chest tightens.
six months away from home, and haseul’s still not used to being alone.
“i miss you, and i’m not, i’m not- school is so hard, it’s so hard, sooyoung. and the man at the bakery was so mean to me this morning, i lied when i said i thought it was funny. i don’t think it was funny. i told you i was okay but i’m not. my lecturers have really strong accents i don’t understand, and nobody here makes jjigae like you and i miss you, i miss you and i want you here with me, even though that’s stupid, and i’m supposed to be mature and independent, and i am, but i-i still want you here. it’s been six months and i still- i just, i want you here with me so, so, so badly.”
sooyoung goes silent. the echo of her own cries accompany her, before the static breaks and she hears a loud sniffle. “you should have told me you were having a hard time!” sooyoung bawls, “jo haseul, i will rip you to shreds when i see you. i would have, i would have- oh my god, haseul, i would have done this a lot earlier if you just, if you just told me.”
haseul takes a moment from sobbing to go, “huh?”
“i’m coming over, you idiot. i’m coming over. i already bought tickets to go to you. i took my wages in advance. i’m coming over.”
haseul cries even harder. she’ll be having jjigae soon. the sun sets, and the wind of day drops dead. her dream is coming home, to her.
usually, heejin doesn’t pay attention to the burning in her limbs.
today, her whole body is flaring up in excruciating heat. she can’t bear to even look at her untouched dinner. yerim, having wolfed down hers an hour ago, is back on her feet. they have a week before the filming of their next comeback music video. she watches yerim’s precise arm movements hitting the right angles on beat, feels the bass of the song thumping in her ribcage. her own feet tap against the floor, off-rhythm. trying to regain some normalcy to curb the sluggishness, she pops open the can of coffee. the smell of the sugary caffeine concoction makes her recoil for a second. she wants to sleep.
she looks to yerim for some inspiration.
it’s two in the morning, and they’re two people in their almost-twenties spending time in a basement instead of outside. inspiration hits in the form of a siren blaring and a blinking sign asking: what in the world are they doing?
yerim trips over herself. heejin jumps to her feet, rushing over. now on her back and panting heavily, heejin can see that yerim’s fine - if anything, just exhausted. her smile is small as she pats the space next to her, waiting for heejin to join her.
“i’m tired.”
“me too,” heejin replies, and she wonders how long it’s been since she’s voiced it out.
“i’m tired,” yerim says again, choking up. “so fucking tired.”
“hey,” heejin sits up quickly, examining the sight before her. yerim covers her face with both her hands, forcing deep breaths into herself like she’s willing herself to not completely break down. “hey it’s okay, you just need a break."
"i don't deserve one."
"you do," heejin says, watching the erratic rise and fall of yerim's chest as she works through her cries. something clicks in her. "fuck practise, let's go out."
"we can't-"
"for one night, let's not care about that. it'll be fine, they're never kicking you out of the group," heejin says with laughter in her voice. no profitable company would be stupid enough to let choi yerim go. "and whatever happens, we'll do it together. let's get in trouble together."
yerim stares at her, contemplating.
"do you trust me?" heejin asks.
"more than anyone else."
"then trust me. i won't do anything that would hurt you."
"i know," yerim replies. she frowns slightly. "but after all those years of me trying my hardest to get you to order delivery and you refusing..."
there's a surge of energy that courses through her when she laughs, and yerim does too. "well i regret that now. and i think you need a break."
"you're going to be my downfall, unnie," yerim says wetly, the last of her cries giving way to chuckling. "let's go, fuck, can we get chicken? and while we're at it let's sleep in tomorrow. i need eight hours, at least."
the older girl stands, extending a hand that yerim takes. she pulls her up into a hug. her mind is clear and her feet are steady again.
"anything and everything you want."
"let's date, kim hyunjin."
chaewon likes to think that her confession was perfect. the way the vintage lights of the cafe illuminate hyunjin's features and there's a sundae between them that they're sharing; the way their ankles are touching lightly under the table. the way hyunjin wears a light blue beanie that softens her features, and chaewon’s pastel pink sweater complements her.
"what?" hyunjin asks in genuine curiosity. her eyes grow wide for a second and her lips curl up into a grin that doesn't seem appropriate for the occasion. chaewon is confused.
“let’s date.”
"stop joking, i think i'm going to choke," hyunjin says through guffaws. she nonchalantly goes back to scooping ice cream into her mouth. chaewon's jaw drops.
"i'm serious, i like you!" chaewon repeats in frustration. she drops her spoon to show she's serious. "let's date. i'm not kidding!"
irritation bubbles up her chest when hyunjin giggles once more. "dating, yeah? we hold hands and get real close and share food and do everything together, is that what you want?"
"well, yeah!"
"you're stupid." hyunjin shakes her head.
"you're the worst." under the table, chaewon kicks her hard on the shin. "fine, let's not date. forget i asked. i hate you and everything you stand for."
"aw no, don't get upset," hyunjin smiles at her the same, laughs the same, and doesn't seem to understand the shift in chaewon's mood. "we're in a cafe sharing dessert on a saturday night. we just watched a movie together and held hands the entire time. we've made plans to meet again tomorrow. you're so stupid."
ah. chaewon’s the one not understanding. "are you saying-"
"we're already dating, park chaewon." she lets her mouth hang open as she thinks about the courage she mustered up for nothing. hyunjin takes the opportunity to shove some ice cream in her mouth.
when I’m with you / this place is like a blue milky way / that shines more than the sea
if jungeun thinks too hard about the situation she's currently in, her face might overheat. again.
she could have never imagined this happening. three years ago having her hand held and her feelings reciprocated seemed almost impossible, but alas, here she is with a girl by her side, on a friday night, strolling along hangang.
the hand intertwined in hers swipes a thumb over her knuckles. it's so gentle, she wants to cry.
they stop and sit down by the edge of the river. banpo bridge stands sturdy and unwavering, despite jungeun’s trembling breath and beating heart. beside her, vivi places her head on her shoulder as they admire the sight in front of them.
vivi whispers something in cantonese. she smiles, whispers the same sweet words back in her girlfriend's mother tongue, and watches her eyes turn to crescents. vivi presses a kiss on her cheek under the watchful eye of the moon. her lips leave a rosy pink and warm tingles in their wake. her hand traces where her lips have been. she smiles again and jungeun marvels. everything about her is gentle.
"nei hou ho oi," vivi asks, "do you know what that means?"
"nei hou ho oi, you're so cute," jungeun replies easily. vivi raises her eyebrows in surprise. she laughs softly. "i searched up how to say it the day we met."
hyejoo is not one to poke her nose into her younger friend’s life choices, but lately, yeojin vexes her.
“you don’t have to put on so much make up just to go to school, you know.” the transparent lip balm looks better than the strong red yeojin has on her lips. still, she doesn’t want to point that out because yeojin is allowed to wear whatever she wants. what her childhood friend thinks shouldn’t matter.
but she knows what this is about. “if your classmates are bothering you again-“
“they’re not bothering me!” yeojin adds quickly, “i just, i like wearing make up.”
“look me in the eye and tell me that isn’t a lie.”
yeojin sighs, shoulders slumping before she sits down beside hyejoo on the edge of her bed. “fine. high school is hard and i’m just trying to fit in. you should know this.”
“don’t force yourself to become something you’re not. that’s the opposite of fitting in,” says hyejoo. she bumps yeojin’s shoulder with her own, smiling as she tells her, “and as the most important person in your life, i declare that you’re too pretty to let those bitches get to you.”
yeojin snorts. “tell that to that fake bitch sumin.”
“with my fist? or with my words. i can do both.” when yeojin laughs, hyejoo lets herself indulge in the bright sound for a moment before turning serious. “you don’t have to care what anyone else thinks, you know. ”
“you just told me to care about what you think.”
“i’m different! i’m one of your people. and you don’t have to care about what they have to say to you about you, because they’re not your people. but if i tell you you’re chewing too loudly, you have to listen to me, because, a) i care about you, and also, b) you’re chewing loudly.”
“i don’t chew loudly! but, point taken,” yeojin drops back onto the bed. “i’ll take the power away from them by going to school without make up and offering them a genuine presentation of me. and if they aren’t willing to accept me as one of them, i won’t bother trying because they’re not worth it. that’s what you’re trying to say, right?”
hyejoo looks back at her with a look of pleasant surprise. she beams at her with pride. “exactly.”
a small hand settles gently on hers.
“will you remove my make up for me?”
the first time jiwoo pauses and thinks about what she has with jinsoul happens when the girl comes in to pee while she’s brushing her teeth.
“wannar goh how t’dah?” jiwoo asks, before realising she was unintelligible. jinsoul turns to look at her, squinting tiredly. she spits out the foam in her mouth, rinsing it out before asking again, “wanna go out today?”
“mmm, tired,” jinsoul replies, barely keeping her eyes open. jiwoo pats her cheek fondly before stepping out. she’ll take that as a no.
it’s only then that jiwoo does a double take at how comfortable they’ve become, how far removed they are from how they were on the beach they first met at - where jinsoul’s yellow sundress and straw hat contradicted the scowl she wore on her face. jiwoo doesn’t blame her; the orientation games planned were not sundress-proof, and jiwoo, in one herself, felt slightly bummed out about misunderstanding the dress code. still, because she made it a point to put a smile on the pretty girl’s face, she’s here today a few steps outside of the bathroom she shares with her.
“i’ll make breakfast,” jiwoo sing-songs. jinsoul pops her head out swiftly, eyes widened, her toothbrush still in her mouth. “pancakes?”
jinsoul nods, melting against the doorframe, still brushing her teeth as she squints at her fondly. “i luh you.” jiwoo puts on her glasses for her in reply.
after breakfast, they end up putting on a movie. jiwoo distracts jinsoul with recollections of their first meeting, and they fall asleep by midday, tangled in each other.