Chapter Text
It was late. Ben was knocking on Callum’s door, despite it being open.
“It’s open,” Callum called, from somewhere inside the flat. Ben swallowed the lump in his throat and walked in. Callum was sat at the table, frowning towards Ben. “Hello.” He said, “It’s quite late, you know?”
“You’re the one who welcomed me an’ Jay at the witching hour.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“You don’t need to keep apologising.”
Callum nodded. “What are you doing here?”
“I don’t know.”
“Would you like a smoke?”
“Are they goloshes?”
“ Gauloises.” Callum smiled, just at the corners of his mouth.
Ben frowned, “That’s what I said.” and then, “I’ll just inhale your smoke again.”
Callum nodded, before leaning his head to look out a small patch of uncovered window. “The weather is really picking up.” He said, clicking his lighter once, twice, three times before it sparked, and he held it to the straight.
“Whitney said that.”
“Whit did?”
“Yes. She says storms get really bad around here.”
Callum hummed; “It’s because of all the single glazing. It’s not made for it. Problem with these high walls in the courtyard is that the wind can whip around there much faster than it does in the open.”
“You guys make it sound awful.” Ben laughed, “Maybe I should lock myself indoors forever.” He flinched realising what he said.
Callum laughed. “I don’t need any more convincing, thank you very much.”
“Sorry.” Ben breathed deep, letting the smoke dance around in his lungs. “Sorry about earlier too. I was a prick for running off.”
“I tend to have that effect on people.” Callum said earnestly.
Ben shrugged, “To be honest, I feel the complete opposite. I’m drawn in.”
“By my madness?”
“By your personality.”
They sit quietly for a while, and Ben tries not to stare.
“Can I say some stupid things? About my dad?” Ben asked, “Will you judge me?”
“What right do I have to judge anyone?” Callum retorted.
“I don’t know,” Ben mumbled. “You’re the smartest person I know.”
“That’s stupid. I’m not smart. Everyone calls me Halfway, for God’s sake.”
“So?”
“So, if I’m the smartest person you know, then you must have a small group of acquaintances.”
“You only think of me as an acquaintance?” Ben asks.
“We’ve known each other for a week.”
Ben nods slowly. When Callum put it like that, it made sense. Of course, to Callum, a working man with all his own issues, Ben was just a new neighbour, but that didn’t stop Ben from feeling slightly shortchanged. Callum - in whatever way it could be deemed normal - was taking up most of Ben’s time. He was infatuated with interest. “I think you can say we are friends.” He settled, and then; “I’d like you to think we’re friends.”
“Okay,” Callum said, with a half-smile. “I think I’d like that too. I don’t have many friends. Sorry - that’s a sad thing for a grown man to say; it’s not like I should need friends but -” he cleared his throat, “Your dad...you wanted to talk about your dad? I cut you off.”
“Yeah.” Ben said, “I mean, no - you didn’t cut me off - it’s a conversation; you’re allowed to talk.”
“Okay.”
“I think he’s selfish. To have given us all this after he died. I don’t think it was the right thing to do. Because, either he was a horrible man to me, and then had the decency to change, but never apologised whilst alive - or, if what you say is true - he was a good guy all along. I hate that he was so nice to you. And Lola and Jay. I hate that he liked Jay more than me, and I hate that Jay has just settled into this life. It’s not fair. I feel like I’m being taunted. He’s got this business card that says H.J.S on it but I’ve no clue what it stands for. His computer is password protected. He kept photos of my mum hidden away. I’m so fucking attached to him. I always have been, but I can’t talk to anyone like Jay about it because he’ll just mock me. He’ll tell me I’ve got issues.”
“Okay?” Callum said, wary of interrupting.
“But I do have issues. I’m so screwed up. I don’t know why my dad loved everyone else more than he loved me. And now I never will know, because he went off and died on me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get closure.”
“The computer.”
“The computer?” Ben repeated. “I already said, it’s locked.”
“Well, we can get it unlocked. Maybe you’ll find something there? His job - his life - Ben, I hate to be the one that says it, but you told me from day one. A week ago , you want to snoop. You want to know things. It’ll take time, but you’ll find out. I wish I could help you more but -”
“But you’re stuck in here?”
“Yes. I’m stuck in here.”
Ben nodded, He couldn’t stop thinking about how he and Callum had only known each other for a week. He couldn’t understand why he had the confidence he did, to offload all his misery to the poor man upstairs. He couldn’t dissect the situation; of why Callum was wanting to help. He looked down at his teacup, barely touched, and his phone beside it.
“I need to piss.”
Callum flinched slightly but nodded his head in the direction of the hall. “Don’t worry.” He said, “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.” There was a sort of half-hearted chuckle, that Ben couldn’t quite bring himself to reciprocate.
A wood-framed mirror with a frowning Ben stared at him as he relieved himself. Ben had found his way to the spare toilet, instead of the bathroom that was accessible through Callum’s bedroom and was thus much more cramped than he would have hoped. The ceiling was sloped, and the only light fixture - a bare bulb - protruded above the backsplash behind the sink, meaning that heavy shadows cast across his face, and he could see his pores in all their glory. Ben thought he looked tired, and old, and maybe a little bit more like his dad. Again, he thought about his hairline.
On the mirror was a post-it note with a bunch of tallys; four vertical, one diagonal, four vertical, one diagonal, four vertical, one diagonal and so on. Below those were a set of initials and the word ‘ milk ’ . Something pulled inside of Ben. He didn’t understand how he felt, nor how to describe it. He knew fixing was the wrong word, and internally scolded himself for even thinking it. He just wanted to be there. To be in Callum's life. To be one of those well-carved routines.
Ben flushed and turned to the sink. His eyes trailed down to the cabinet doors and wondered whether he should open them. There were three pieces of masking tape holding them down. He probably shouldn’t. He washed his hands, and tried not to think about the constant dripping as the tank on the toilet filled slowly back up, nor how he imagined it might make Callum feel.
He thought about his dad, and about getting the computer unlocked. The toilet was still dripping. Ben weighed his options. It wouldn’t be absurd to assume a toolkit might be kept under the sink in the spare toilet. And by fixing the toilet he’d be doing Callum a favour. He pulled the tape away and opened the door to find a clear toiletries bag filled with aftershaves, tins and a razor. Ben closed the door quickly and rubbed at the scruff on his neck. He replaced the tape and left the room.
When Ben walked back into the kitchen, Callum had somewhat of a sheepish look on his face, which made Ben frown. He already had too much on his mind, and Callum pulling yet another expression he hadn’t seen before meant Ben would have to start all over, trying to work him out.
It turned out he didn’t need to.
“Your phone rang.” Callum said simply. “I didn’t touch it, because, well…” He gestured to himself. “But someone called Duncan called. And then texted. Twice. You know, you can go into settings and change it so the message can’t be read from the home screen? It’s a lot more secure and it means that people can’t just glance over and read it.”
“Or other people could just choose to not read it.”
“Yes.”
“Did you read it?”
“Yes.”
“What did it say?”
“ Want to fuck .” Ben choked on air. He had not expected it to say that, or if it had, for Callum to quote so...directly. Still, there was something in the way he said it that practically turned Ben’s legs to jelly. He knew he needed to think of a retort, and fast.
“I mean, if you’re down.” Ben did not mean to say that. That was quite possibly the worst thing he could have said in that situation. Callum’s ears went pink.
“No, I mean, that’s what - you asked what -”
“I’m joking, Callum.” Ben grinned, composing himself subtly as he picked his phone up from the table, reading the texts.
“ Hey, maybe we can grab coffee sometime?” He reads. “ You free today, coffee?, or a drink? ” and then “ Clearly that approach isn’t working, Want to fuck?” Ben scoffed, “Who said romance is dead, eh?”
“It’s been used literally and ironically since the late eighteenth century,” Callum said simply.
“What? Ben asked.
“Nothing,” Callum says. “Is Duncan your boyfriend?”
Ben didn’t like the way Callum said his name as if it were important. But then again Callum didn’t know any better. “No.” Ben said, setting the record straight. “I don’t do boyfriends.”
Callum nodded, then suddenly became fascinated with a coffee ring on the wood of the table. Ben wondered why he hadn’t cleaned it off at some point. “Have you ever done boyfriends?”
“I did. Once I did.” Ben says. The conversation was getting a little too personal.
“But not anymore?”
“No.” Ben says. Callum doesn’t press him for more. “Do you do boyfriends?”
Callum shakes his head. “Who’d want to date me? Not that I have any experience, but I’m sure a candlelit dinner next to a tower of boxes isn’t quite as romantic as the Eiffel.”
Ben laughed, “Fair enough, but what if it helps you? You know, having someone to rely on?”
“Says the guy who doesn’t date ? How can I be sure the guy isn’t just like you? In it for the, you know? Sex.”
Ben tried to pretend that didn’t hurt; words coming from Callum often felt like opening the curtains with a hangover.
“I can’t deal with someone else's instability,” Callum said, not noticing Ben’s change of demeanour. “I can barely cope with my own. Imagine having twice as much stuff, twice as many guests, twice as many -”
“Okay, okay. I get it. You have plenty of reasons not to date, but the whole world is on the internet now, why don’t you...hook up? You wouldn’t even have to leave the flat.”
Callum shook his head, “I don’t want that. I think that sex should be...special? Mean something.”
Ben snorted, “You sound like a thirteen-year-old virgin.” Callum shifted a little, “Oh, you are a virgin? That makes sense.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing.” Ben says, “But you’re right. I reckon it’s on a whole other level when you trust the person. However-” He says, slapping his knees in a way he noted internally as rather Phil , “A quick shag is better than no shag at all. And if you want all that extra-special-flowers-and-candles shit, then you need to open up and trust someone in a relationship. Something we’ve both admitted to being incapable of.”
“You never said you were incapable. In fact, you said you dated-”
“Well, I don’t anymore.” Ben states. “But come on, we need to deflower you. Maybe I can cruise out in the bars and bring the top three candidates back? Do it Blind Date style?”
The corners of Ben’s lips turned up a little as he snuck a glance at Callum, who was shaking his head and blushing deeply, his ears turning a deep beetroot.
“No, no that won’t be necessary.”
“So you just want to stay alone?”
“I don’t have a choice.”
Ben tutted, frowning. “No,” He said, “No I don’t believe that. Everyone has a choice.”
“Okay fine. I’ll go on a date when I leave the house.” That was the end of that.
Time seemed to move faster when they weren't talking, and still, Ben couldn’t help but study Callum’s face, as his eyes flicked to his hands, or the newspapered window. Ben knew it was time to leave, that in the evening light he might just melt if he stayed there any longer. He’d take the computer to the shop in the morning. He thought about ringing Duncan. He thought for a moment that he wouldn’t, but he knew it was inevitable. That Callum was right when he exclaimed that that was the kind of person Ben was . He thought about internally calling himself a slag , but finds no reason to hurt his own feelings. He gets up.
“Ben,” Callum says.
Ben turns in the hallway to look back at Callum. With the way he stood there, leaning in the door frame, the light filtering in like a halo behind his head, he looked rather beautiful. What sort of word choice was that? Ben frowned. He didn’t normally see men as being beautiful, but at that moment, it seemed to be the only word that truly fit. Callum was wearing a pair of grey joggers and a red jumper with some big cat on the front. He looked odd, but nothing close to the man Ben had met on his first night in the flat. He thought about how intrigued he was back then, and if anything, that level had increased. He realised he was staring.
“What is it?” He asked, looking Callum in the eyes.
“I would like the photo album back if you don’t mind?”
“Oh.” Ben felt his stomach become knotted. “I gave it to Lola.” He lied. “Like you said.”
Callum seemed happy with that, raising his chin in a minuscule nod. “Ah, that’s okay then. Have a good evening. And have a good date, if you do decide to go on it.”
“Not a date.” Ben corrected, feeling sick. “But I’ll keep you updated.”
“I’d rather you didn’t” Callum smiled, before retreating into his flat, the door closing almost the whole way, but not quite.