Chapter Text
He’s quiet for hours. Sat comfortably on the ground. Legs crossed. Hands folded in his lap. A full breath in then a slow exhale. He often meditates like this with our patients. For some patients he will sit in the same room with them for an hour several days a week to get them comfortable with his presence. Only then after his presence has become mundane does he cast legilimency.
Some patients eye him warily, but some become comfortable quickly. Some try to talk with him, some have lost their tools of speech. But he meditates quietly. Im always there as well. My patients are comfortable with me, understandably so. I’ve have many for years. I introduce Severus to our patients. Some I explain that he is my intended and some I say he’s a friend. It always depends on their faculties. Some do not have the sense to even look in his direction when he enters, to lost in their own minds.
Severus stays calm. Always calm.
I’ve reinforced to him that his safety and mental health comes first. If he feels a patient is too much strain for him, then he should step back. Maybe that makes me selfish. I would choose him over anyone.
It definitely makes me selfish.
His long fingers lightly grip my chin and tilt my mouth to his. Such an easy movement. Nothing more than a press of his lips to mine. I should be immune to something so simple.
I’m not.
Just a kiss has my heart thumping. My heart thump thump begging thump thump place my hand on his hip. Pull him against me. Hold him. Consume his every moment. I want to be selfish. And I hate myself for that. Is it not enough that he spent years on his life confined. I should not want to trap him.
But like a tamed pet, he has no desire to flee. I could leave the door open, but he simply eyes the door before relaxing back into his seat. I’m not familiar with having something so easy. So achingly perfect.
“Harry dear, I can hear you overthinking.”
“I adore you.” Is all I say. He gives me a half smile. It’s only an upturn of one side of his perfect chapped lips, but I would give him anything.
“And I am smitten with you.” His long fingers tangle in my messy hair. “If you keep overworking your brain though, it’s liable to explode.”
“I was just thinking.”
“Yes?”
“And I don’t want to give the impression that I’m not ecstatic. I love you. I’m positively giddy that I’ve been able to have you.”
“Merlin, I can already tell that you are going to say something stupid.” He shakes his head bemusedly and smiles. “Well go ahead love, share with me what idiotic thought is troubling you.”
“Reverse Nightingale Effect.”
“Reverse Nightingale Effect.” He mimics the words. Rolls them on his tongue.
“Are you familiar with the Nightingale Effect?”
“Harry.” He takes a step back and I feel knives carving out my heart. “I suspected this would come up.” His hand comes to his mouth in a nervous action before returning to his side. “I assumed your reason for falling in love with me was due to my involvement in protecting you throughout the war. I suppose it is possible you developed reverse nightingale effect. That honestly explains why someone so handsome and successful as you would choose me.”
“What? No!” I shake my head. “You are the one with the syndrome. I took care of you and that’s why you care about me.”
And he laughs.
His fingers are back in my hair, and I feel whole.
“Harry, my dearest dunderhead. Are you worried that my affections for you are less real if they were developed solely because you saved me.”
“I’m… not really sure.”
“You did save me. I’ve known you for such a long time. I never expected to feel comfortable at another’s mercy. I’ve had medical professionals tend to me, but I never felt pulled towards them. Harry, you treated me with such care and reverence. You were so gentle with me. I have never felt so safe or like I belong as I do with you.” He kisses me. “And I’m saying with full love in my heart, you are being an idiot.” Another kiss. “You are beautiful. And strong. And kind. How could I not fall for a man that treats me like gold. I’ve protected you for so long. You were insufferable, but every time you succeed I was so proud. I’m amazed by you Harry.”
“You’re perfect.”
“No. But I am in love with you. You make me want to do more for this world. You encourage me to wake up. I’ve never felt light like I do now. I’ve never felt so uninhibited. And the sex is the best I’ve ever had before or after either of the wars. Of course I’d be smitten.
“I just don’t want you to feel trapped with me.”
“I felt trapped as a child with abusive parents. And I felt trapped as a student. I felt trapped as a death eater and as a spy. Harry, I do not in any way feel trapped with you.”
“Honest?”
“Completely.”
“I just. I feel so…” and how can I tell him.
“Yes, how do you feel Harry?”
“I’m fine.”
“Harry, it’s just me.” And he holds me so gently. “I understand flaws. I understand the ugliness of reality. I promise, it’s safe to tell me.”
“I don’t want to ruin anything.”
“I don’t want you to hold back. Open up to me.” He could have used an unforgivable with how easy it was to break me.
“I want to hoard you. I want to lock you up and not let anyone ever see or touch you. I want to know that no one can ever harm you. I want to possess you. Touch you in ways no one ever has. It’s unbearable.”
Severus shakes his head.
“Sounds like you are pretty obsessed.” But he smiles. “I think that’s pretty common in relationships.”
“It’s wrong. You deserve independence more than anyone. You deserve to be unleashed and uninhibited.”
“Harry dear.” His hands cup my cheeks. “I’m right where I want to be. Are you?”
“Yes. Merlin yes. I don’t want to be anywhere but with you.” When his forehead rests against mine I feel like I can finally relax.
“I want to hoard you too, but this is enough. You are safe. I am safe. We have each other. I don’t want anything else.”
Neither do I.
“Now my darling.” He kisses the corner of my mouth teasingly. “Lead me to our room so that you might hoard me again.”
And of course, I do.