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He cried into Lion’s mane for a second of eternity.
And they let him. He’s curled up and swaddled in a scratchy old blanket, he doesn’t breathe as much as taking shuddering gasps of air every other moment before he continues to just sob. They sit around him, quiet and respectful, nobody dares touch him as he just returned to being him and there’s enough going on in his head as it is. His human hands curl into Lion’s mane of pale pink fur as if he was afraid that his pet would disappear if he let go. He keeps trying to start talking but a sob breaks through every other word. They let him keep trying. He’s trying to apologize. They won’t let him do that.
He let go and just laid against Lion’s side after some time, his glistening eyes staring out. He tried to speak again,
“I-I…” he stalled, taking another gasp of air, “I wr-wrecked the h-house again.”
“Steven, we don’t care about that.” Garnet said in a soft, emotional voice. It was the truth, between Steven’s breakdown of rambling in the living room to his transformation to his full-blown meltdown in the water―nobody had spared a thought to the yet-again destroyed front wall of the house. Bismuth knelt, still keeping her distance from the trembling teen,
“Yeah, Deepcut. I can get that fixed up no problem.”
“Bismuth. I r-ruined yo-your anvil, I’m so sor―”
“Ah!” she put her calloused hand up, “No apologizing. That’s our job today, okay?”
He brought his hands up to his face, “B-But I―”
“Dude, it’s alright, okay?” Amethyst assured, “All that stuff is just stuff . You’re way more important.”
He looked like he wanted to argue but instead his face pinches and more tears spill out. Connie exhales and sits next to him, gingerly wrapping her strong arms around him and placing a kiss on his forehead, “It’s okay, it’s all okay.” Steven clings to her, pressing his head against her chest and heaving. Connie looked a second away from breaking herself, blinking away the mistiness in her eyes, “We got you, Steven.”
“People are gathering.” Pearl murmured, glancing behind her to see townsfolk crowding the beach, all clamoring to see if everything was alright, “What should we do?”
“I d-don’t want to talk t-to them, right now-w.” Steven admitted. Spinel nodded, cracking her knuckles,
“Leave ‘em to me!” she stretched and looped her pinky finger much like she did on that terrible night nearly a year ago until it became a megaphone. She bellowed into it, “GO HOME! BYE!”
The townsfolk scattered, clearing the beach in seconds. Steven managed a half-hearted chuckle, “Th-Thank you, Spinel.”
“Anytime.” she returned back to the waiting hand of Blue Diamond; Greg watched as the last of the citizens disappeared, then turning his attention back to his son, he crouched down,
“Hey, bud.”
Steven sucked the side of his cheek, “Hey, Dad.”
“We don’t have to talk about this” he gestured around himself, “right now if you don’t want to but we have to at―”
“I want to do it. I-I want to do it now.” he cut in, pulling away from Connie’s embrace, “I don’t want…to keep putting this off.”
Greg offered a small smile and tenderly mussed up his son’s hair, “Whatever you want, Schtu-ball.” he pulled him into a hug, “I love you.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
He buried his head into his dark curls, “Oh, I’m so proud of you.”
Steven paused, it was evident on his face that the statement had hit him hard. He looked around at the wreckage he’d caused―the splintered wood, the shattered windows, the craters on the cliff face―all him.
“Inside. I want to go inside.”
“Alright, pal.” Greg stood, he grimaced, “...Can you walk?”
“I-I think.” he steadied himself against Lion’s back, shakily coming into a standing position. He could feel everybody holding their breath, waiting for him to stumble and fall.
Everybody’s worried about you. You didn’t want them to worry. You always do this.
He fretted then steadied. He couldn’t do it again, he couldn’t lose control again.
Something shifted beneath him, he looked down to see a fleshy, spotted surface under him.
“The Cluster?” he whispered, a soft rumble served as confirmation, “You formed for me?” another rumble, one that said: We wouldn’t do it for anybody else. “Thank you. Y-You can go back in your bubble, it’s alright now.”
They rumbled, gently depositing the humans and Gems they carried into the water before they fizzled and sunk into the sea, followed by whispered thanks from Diamonds and Crystal Gems alike.
“I must get around to reconstructing them.” Yellow muttered, Blue shook her head,
“Yellow, another time.”
Connie gently helped Steven onto Lion’s back, the boy slumping against her back and wrapping his arms around her waist. White Diamond stared down at them, “Steven.” he tiredly looked up to her, “Are we…welcome? Do you want us here?”
He breathed, “I th-think I want you to hear this. If that’s okay.”
“Of course it is.” Blue began wading through the water, Spinel cradled in the loop of her hair, “We’d love to.”
“Okay.” he nodded, Lion began to gallop to the shore. He held on tighter, “It’s okay.”
Most of the damage had fallen outside of the house rather than inside, but it didn’t do much to quell the searing guilt he felt as he slowly walked through the house, quickly making his way to where he’d been just an hour earlier. Bright pink, manic, and talking because it was the only way to keep him together.
There was a hole through the ceiling. That must’ve been where he―
“Hey, hey.” Lapis’s hands pulled him from his spot; he hadn’t realized he was breathing so fast, that the world had gotten so murky and cold in his vision, “Don’t worry about that.”
“We can talk anywhere else!” Peridot promised, “Here, Lapis and I’s apartment, Bismuth’s place―heck, we could even go to Homeworld if you wanted!”
Some of the party flinched, Steven shook his head, “Not Homeworld. I want to do it here, w-we could just go to my room.”
“What about the Diamonds, though?” Amethyst jabbed her finger behind her to the three former dictators, “They ain’t fitting in here.”
Yellow dismissed her with a wave, “That’s no issue.” she looked to her fellow Diamonds, “May I?”
The two nodded, Yellow Diamond rubbed her palms together, energy arching from her fingertips. She outstretched her palms and suddenly the three shrank down, still definitely taller than any of the others but small enough to fit into Steven’s home. Steven pulled his blanket closer, “G-Give me a minute, okay? I’m gonna get dressed then we can start…is that okay?”
“Sounds perfect, kiddo.” Greg said.
Steven made a slow trek up the stairs, his blanket trailing behind him like an old cape. A silence settled on them, Amethyst sat heavily on the couch, “You think he’s gonna tell us what happened between him and Jasper?”
“I know we shouldn’t push him if he doesn’t.” Garnet adjusted her visor, Amethyst exhaled sharply.
“Yo, Diamonds. Steven isn’t Pink and never forget that but d-did Pink ever do somethin’ like this?”
“Pink…” Blue pondered, “she threw tantrums at times, yes. And they were destructive at times but she never corrupted like Steven, she never lost herself like that.”
“Cool.” Amethyst slumped further, “So we’re all confused.”
Greg leaned against the stairwell, “You guys are Rose’s family, right?” the Diamonds turned to him,
“Rose…?” White repeated,
“Quartz. That’s what she went by or pretended to be, that’s who she was to me. Y’know, Steven’s mother?”
“Oh, yes. We were her family before she was Rose .”
Greg walked up to him with his hand outstretched, “It’s nice to meet you all finally. She was somebody really special.”
White tentatively took his hand, “She was.”
“Did she ever speak of us?” Blue asked hopefully, Greg shook his head,
“No, she never really talked about home.”
Blue dimmed slightly, Yellow swallowed, “That’s expected, I suppose.”
“I’m ready.”
Their eyes turned to Steven, he stood at the top of the stairs with his nails biting into the skin of his arm and a tight expression on his face. He’d changed into his pajamas and couldn’t keep his eyes on any of them, deciding to keep his eyes on the ground, “You can come up now.”
“Sure thing, kiddo.” Greg walked up the stairs, followed by the rest of Steven’s family. His room was definitely cleaner than it had been that night Greg had stayed over after the hospital―no discarded melted bowls of ice cream, no clothes thrown haphazardly around, no wilting flowers grounded into the carpet.
How had they not noticed how he was struggling? Greg chided himself, sitting right by his son; Lion padded upstairs and hopped onto his bed, pressing his body against Steven’s back.
“Do you mind if I touch you?” he asked, Steven seemed to consider it, then nodded. Greg backed off, keeping his hands on his own lap, “That’s okay.”
“Yo-You guys can sit wherever,” Steven muttered, “this is gonna take a while, s-sorry.”
Garnet sat against his TV stand (the TV was curiously unplugged), “No apologies, Steven. Take all the time you need, we’re here for you.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, “C-Connie, can you…” he snapped his mouth shut, shakily extending his hand toward the other teenager. Connie took the cue, she carefully laced her fingers with his and sat beside him,
“Just breathe, okay?” she cooed, wiping away the beginning of tears in his eyes, “Nothing you say could scare us off, just talk to us.”
The room hummed with agreements. There was a moment of silence before Steven spoke again,
“I haven’t been…I haven’t been okay, lately. F-For a long time, actually.” he began, tears already racing down his face, “I-I didn’t want you guys to worry about me because you’re all so happy now and I’m so useless and stupid and―” Lion growled, pressing even harder against his body, the pink growing on his cheeks vanished, “Right. Right. I can’t go there…I-I didn’t want you to worry about me because it s-seemed like it was stupid for me to be all messed up while you guys were happy and moved on.”
“How is that stupid, Steven?” Lapis questioned, “It’s just like me―I was all messed up when everything else was happy, it wasn’t stupid .”
“Things weren’t happy,” he muttered, “we were always waiting on the next disaster, you know? The next thing t-to fight for.”
Pearl’s eyebrows knit together, “But… you were happy, right? I know you are… struggling now but you were happy, weren’t you.”
There was a moment. That was an answer enough.
His hand squeezed tighter around Connie’s, his best friend’s eyebrows drew together, “You’ve felt like this for this long? Steven, why didn’t you―”
“Because there was always something bigger, Connie . It was always Lapis stealing the ocean, then Peridot fixing the Galaxy Warp, then us getting kidnapped into space, then the Cluster, then Dad got taken to the Zoo, then I found out who Mom was, then the Diamonds, then Sp-Spinel, the-then it was just too much and―”
“You’re spiraling.” Connie placed her free hand on his cheek causing him to flinch, “Take a deep breath for me.”
He followed her instructions, trying to settle his shaky breathing as he pulled his knees up to his chest. The Gems looked between each other,
“Yeesh.” Spinel grimaced.
“Steven…” Blue Diamond whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
White Diamond placed a dramatic manicured hand on her forehead, “Oh, my stars, we hurt you just like Pi―”
“ Hey.” Connie snapped, “Not about you, remember?”
White shut her mouth, impressively kept in check by the 15-year-old. The other Gems name dropped in his rambling looked similarly ashamed, all averting eye contact with him. Greg shook his head, scratching his beard, “You could’ve told any of us, buddy. We would’ve been there.”
“It was all too much.” Steven choked out, “It felt like I wouldn’t be able to stop if I started talking about it. When Dr. Maheswaran a-asked me if anything bad happened when I was younger, I just started talking and I think I didn’t realize that so much stuff had happened and it just made me…I dunno, sink? Things just kept getting worse and worse after the appointment: My powers got more out of control, I y-yelled at Connie, I crashed the van, I wrecked Little Homeworld and the house, I kept having these really violent thoughts, and I-I, uh,” tears began to spill from his tired eyes, “I shattered Jasper.”
There was a sharp intake of air from a few in the room, Steven buried his head between his knees.
“But I saw Jasper this morning…” Peridot commented, Steven mumbled,
“I put her back together.”
Garnet laid her hand on his knee, he lifted his eyes, “Steven. Please tell us what happened.”
Pearl softened her vaguely horrified expression, “We don’t blame you for anything, we know it was to protect yourself.”
“You don’t know that. Because it wasn’t.” his voice had an edge that most had never heard from Steven before that day, “We were fighting because we wanted to fight each other. She was helping me control my Diamond powers and sh-she got in my head about me being weak so I…so I did it. I was laughing when it happened, I was laughing while I shattered her .”
“Jasper does that to you. She’s good at bringing out the worst in you.” Steven glanced to Lapis who gave him an understanding look while Peridot grabbed her arm reassuringly, “Trust me.”
Amethyst groaned, “Can we just, like, have a No Jasper rule in the house? Officially? Two rules: No plant friends and no Jasper.”
“It wasn’t her fault.” Steven insisted, “I’m the one who can’t control myself.”
“You’re not well, right now, Schtu-ball.” Greg assured, “And she’s alright now, right? It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay!” his skin flushed a neon pink, his pupils turning into pale diamonds, “I killed somebody, Dad! I don’t know how to control myself and I k-keep breaking down because I don’t know what to do with my life and I don’t even know who I am! I’m not Rose Quartz, I’m not Pink Diamond, I’m just some weird inhuman fucking disaster!”
The windows of his room fractured further but thankfully didn’t shatter through. Steven would’ve preferred if they had, though, anything was better than the silence of everybody just looking at him, wide-eyed and unsure if he’d go and corrupt again. He’d even take Pearl reprimanding him for swearing in place for the quiet weighing on him. He released Connie’s hand but she went to grab it back.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” he breathed, trembling, “I-I’m not h-happy. I haven’t been happy in so long and it isn’t fair. I don’t like anything about myself, I don’t know why you guys…why you are still here. Even my mom never shattered somebody, I did something my mom hadn’t done. The one thing I had to try and convince myself that she was a good person―I did it. I’ve tried so hard to make up for everything she did but I just did it worse. I just keep getting worse! I thought if I just went back to acting like good ol Steven Universe that everything would go back to normal―but it didn’t! I don’t want to be a Diamond, I d-don’t want to be Steven Universe, I’m just…” his voice softened to a near whisper, broken and desperate, “I-I’m so tired.”
He shrugged off every hand that came to steady him, instead he curled further into himself and sobbed. The pink fading to his pallid skin, his dark brown curls shaking with each heavy sob that racked him. Connie felt her heart snap in her chest. Lion pawed at her back, she stood and Lion placed his head where she had sat; Steven crumbled against his mane once more, which didn’t seem to bother the big cat as most other things did.
It wasn’t going to be easy, nobody had gone into the task of talking Steven down thinking it would be, but seeing the boy most had come to know as sunlight in the flesh so destroyed and hearing how he saw himself as completely irredeemable―it was far harder than anything they’ve had to do before.
“Steven, can I touch you right now?” Connie asked, Steven’s answer was an immediate, violent shake of the head. She sighed, kneeling beside his bed, “Steven, there’s nothing wrong with you . There’s never been anything wrong with you. Bad things have happened to you your whole life and it isn’t fair, it will never be fair but that doesn’t mean that you’re a monster. Your brain is just wired differently because of all of this, that’s all. And we want to help you, we all really do.”
The others agreed, Greg joined Connie, “Look, I realize I didn’t do a good job intervening when it came to all this Gem stuff or making sure that you know that you’re as much of a human as you are a Gem. Taking you to my parent’s house and everything must’ve been a lot for you to handle because you never had… stability like that, and I’m sorry, Steven, I’m so, so sorry. But I’m here for you now, whatever you need, I’ll do it.”
Steven blinked, his eyes red and glassy from still flowing tears. Garnet removed her visor, all three eyes glossy, “We put too much on you.”
He swallowed, “N-No, yo―”
“Yes, man, we did.” Amethyst interjected, “You were, what, eight when you came to live with us? We made you feel like you had to be Rose, I know we did. And then we made you clean up after us whenever we were too caught up in our own shit like the Sardonyx thing or when I made you feel like you had to be worse Crystal Gem than me. That’s messed up. I mean, no wonder you’re tired, man. You’ve been doing this your whole life.”
Pearl wiped her eyes, “And we’re so sorry, Steven. We want to help you like you’ve helped us.”
“Our turn.” Bismuth said before Steven could speak, “Me and these knuckleheads owe everything we are right now to you, Universe. You never gave up on us, you kept being yourself and helping us realize that we could be ourselves― no matter what. You think six thousand years ago I’d think I’d be in the same room as the Diamonds on a free Earth one day? Ha!” she put her thick hands on the shoulders on the two Gems beside her, “You changed our world, Steven.”
Lapis smiled softly, “I ran away so many times because I was afraid . I get it. But we’re not running away now, we’re here to stay for you.”
“You’re the best Steven Universe out there.” Peridot removed her visor with a teary smile, “Who else would try to help somebody who betrayed them?”
“I mean,” Spinel pointed at herself, “I tried to kill him and his family and here I am. I feel, uh, I feel way better now. I’m happier―happier than I think I deserve but you helped me, Steven. You told me that I can make a change―and I did!”
“But my mom…”
“You’re not Pink.” she uttered, “Pink left me on that garden for six-thousand-years, you gave me a second chance. Y’know you didn’t hit me once during our fight? I think about that sometimes. I was just wailing on you and you didn’t punch back once. You’re not some big scary monster, kid, you just need some help like I needed help. Let me return the favor.”
Steven wiped his nose on his forearm, sniffling.
“I suppose it’s on us, now.” Yellow took an authoritative step forward, “Era Three has the potential to be the most successful Era of Homeworld’s history, all thanks to your interference on our previous awful tactics. We…” she swallowed, “we understand that a large part of your suffering is due to our presence, and for that, we apologize to you.”
“You’ve changed so much for us, Steven.” Blue placed her hand over her gem, “In such a short time, you’ve influenced every part of our lives in such a beautiful way. I can only hope that you trust us to help you with the same kindness you brought to us.”
The other monarch's eyes expectantly went to White, who looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Yellow coughed into her hand.
The head Diamond exhaled slowly, “Steven.”
“White.” Steven returned.
“I’ve hurt you. Severely.”
“Yeah.” he and Connie agreed, the latter glaring.
“I want to make it up to you. I want to be better for you. So, if you’d let me, I’d be honored to aid you.” she fidgeted, “When I tried to connect with you while you were…corrupted…I couldn’t take it. I can’t imagine how that must be for you if that is how your thoughts are at all times.”
“It’s bad.” he said, his voice was thick, “It’s really bad.”
Thoughts went back to how White had looked so unbelievably terrified after just one glimpse into Steven’s mind. Part of them wanted to be afraid, but a louder part of them only became more determined.
Lion gently licked his owner’s face, Steven managed a smile which made the room’s atmosphere 100-times lighter.
“Feel better?” Greg asked.
“Dr. Maheswaran said I probably have something called Com-Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” Steven replied, his eyes downcast, “She said I should go to a therapist.”
“Therapist?” Lapis echoed.
“Somebody you talk to, somebody who helps you figure stuff out.” Connie explained, “I have one, she’s really nice.”
“Yeah, one of them.” Steven continued, “She gave me a list of people but I kinda, uh, threw it out when we were walking out of the hospital. I didn’t think I needed it. But I…need one…I can’t handle this like I have been. Obviously.”
“On it!” Greg brought out his phone, “Connie, can you send me your mom’s number so she could send me that list?”
“Of course, Mr. Universe!”
“Great.” he looked back to Steven, “Anything else?”
He shrugged, “I don’t k-know. I don’t know where to start.”
“Just start here.” Connie said, wrapping her hand around his, “Right at this moment. What do you want?”
He looked around himself, the understanding, caring eyes of his family were still there. He hadn’t scared them off, he hadn’t proved to them that he was so messed up that it was impossible to fix him. They were all still there. He was still a shaking, broken mess―but they were still there.
“I want to be okay,” he squeezed her hand, “and I want help.”