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Mordecai leaves with his arm around Chelsaline’s shoulders, promising to go out and actually get some decent burgers for a change and to swing by to check on Soewati and make sure affairs at the coffee shop haven’t been trainwrecked by these past few days, and that leaves Diana finally alone with Endric.
It is, perhaps, something neither of them have ever wanted as much as they do now.
“How do you feel?”
“How do you think I feel?”
Amusement quirks at the corner of Endric’s mouth.
Diana sighs. “You probably know better than anyone the answer to that question.”
When Endric shakes his head, it makes his ponytail bounce against his shoulders. “Y’know, as much as I love talking about myself, it doesn’t matter right now how I felt. We aren’t talking about me.”
Diana’s fingers dig into the white linen over her lap.
“How’m I supposed to feel?”
“Try again.”
Diana huffs. It would be amused if she could muster energy for it. “Endric--”
“--Diana, you fucking lost a leg. Bouncing around that’s gonna fucking hurt later when you run out of places to bounce to so just…be honest with me. Be honest with yourself. It’s shitty, isn’t it?”
Diana doesn’t know whether to scream or cry. “Are you trying to calm me down or make me have another anxiety attack?”
“I don’t know. Do you need one?”
“I--” Diana’s head snaps to Endric. “--what? No! Fuck you! I know my leg isn’t there anymore, okay? I know it. Don’t--” She gasps for words that won’t come. All that’s there inside her is just a feeling; a sensation. Just an open, gnawing, nameless thing that she can’t articulate, only experience. “--don’t push me. I had that leg in my life longer than you had your hand, so just…stop.”
Endric stills. The rarity of his obedience would probably be momentous, if it wasn’t soured by the gigantic elephant in the room.
Diana chuckles breathlessly and bows her head. “What am I saying?” she whispers and runs a hand over her face; she blows one full-lunged breath against the heel of her palm. She closes her eyes. “I’m sorry. Just…give me a sec.”
“It’s okay,” Endric says.
And Diana breathes.
When the first tears drip down her cheeks and fall to the hospital blanket, Diana lets them go, squeezing out from under her tightly closed eyes. It’s perhaps the first time she has ever allowed herself to cry in front of someone that isn’t Mordecai or Soewati, but Endric doesn’t say a word. She wonders if he knows.
“I’m not dying,” she finally murmurs. “My life isn’t suddenly over.” She rubs at her cheeks hard with both hands. “I know that this isn’t the end.”
“Right.”
“But it’s so hard to not feel like it is.”
“Don’t discredit that. I mean, it is still the end of something. Just…not everything.”
Diana sniffs. “What, are you suggesting I let myself be miserable about this?”
“You didn’t listen to a word I said.”
Diana finds a smile curling at the edges of her mouth. There’s irony in those words.
“I don’t know,” Endric continues and sighs. “I’m not a pro at this. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all for healing from an amputation. I just think…there’s no way you’re not upset in some way. I think you already know you are. You just can’t bottle it. Your life has been seriously changed for you; you’re allowed to mourn the idea of your future you once thought you’d have.” Endric shrugs, the motion lopsided.
Diana watches Endric for a long time. “Everything feels so damn open. I can’t even picture how things are going to be different after…”
When Diana doesn’t finish, Endric murmurs, “Isn’t that how the future is normally supposed to be?”
“Well, if change is supposed to be so normal, then why the hell does this all feel so terrible?”
The words came out harsh, much more than Diana intended.
Endric doesn’t bat an eye. He leans forward and puts both arms on the edge of her hospital bed: his right stump and his full left hand. “Believe it or not, Diana,” he says, “you are allowed to keep crying.”
It starts with a hiccup. A tiny flinch of her shoulders.
Diana bows her head.
When Endric touches her arm with his hand, Diana takes his hand and squeezes it. He still doesn’t say a word, even when he must feel the drip of her tears onto his knuckles.