Chapter Text
Part of Nathaniel wondered if he was in the wrong. If he what he was doing wasn't right. After all, forcing Bartimaeus to stay on this plane for so long must hurt him.
He always tried to quell the whispers of doubt that tugged at the corners of his mind.
He is a demon. His feelings don't matter exist.
However, despite his best efforts, he couldn't stop the flickers of 'what if' that continuously found a way to flare up.
What if I'm wrong?
No, he is nothing but a demon.
What if I'm losing myself?
Good. I am not Nathaniel anymore. I can't be.
What if he is suffering?
It's obvious he is, it just doesn't matter. He's a demon, and I am human.
Still, as much as he tried to feel nothing but contempt for Bartimaeus, he couldn't help but feel... something else. Something he couldn't quite put a finger on. He didn't know what it was... all he knew was that it was insignificant.
When he summoned Bartimaeus for the fifth time that week, he decided to take a good look at him. For the first time, he saw his state. He saw what Bartimaeus had become.
There was no smirk on his face, no witty remarks. Even his form seemed... weak in a sense. Like there was something wrong with it.
Something within Bartimaeus had changed. Gone was the person demon he was. In his place, a husk. A shell of what he had once been.
Nathaniel felt something crack in his facade.
Nathaniel realized he must have been staring. He couldn't help but wonder why Bartimaeus hadn't said anything about it.
He did his best to ignore the guilt that had begun to claw at him.
He shook his head, attempting to get rid of the troublesome thoughts going through his head.
I must remember why I am doing this. He is nothing but a demon. He doesn't have feelings. All he wants is to hurt people. I must remember that.
He felt his mask of John Mandrake slip back into place.
...
Even still, he just couldn't ignore the break in his character. A crack that would only grow over time.
No, I cannot think like that. There is nothing to worry about.
...
He felt his resolve harden and his eyes narrow.
I'm right.