Work Text:
In all honesty, at first, Johnny thought that Taeyong had a secret child he was hiding from him. He soon realised just how crazy the idea sounded and decided that maybe it could have been just a younger cousin or nephew or something. After all, he did have an older sister who was married, and Johnny had never bothered to ask if she had any kids.
Maybe Taeyong thought that he was doing a great job at hiding certain things — and at that point, Johnny was pretty sure that yes, hiding them was the main goal — but Johnny definitely wasn’t of the same opinion. However, how can you bring up something that you know the other person wants to hide from you?
The two of them had been dating for a while, and Johnny would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt by the thought of Taeyong not trusting him. He was not hurt because he believed he deserved to know every single detail about Taeyong’s life — if there was anything that he didn’t feel safe sharing, he had every right to not do so. However, that meant that maybe Johnny wasn’t doing enough.
Was there ever anything Johnny had said to make Taeyong trust him a little less? Or maybe was it something he had done? If Taeyong couldn’t trust him, were there any important things he was hiding? Did he feel safe enough to tell him about his feelings and thoughts?
These thoughts had been in the back of his mind for months now, but things were starting to get worse as the couple was considering moving in together. That made things a lot more serious, a lot more official. They were practically one step away from marriage.
First, you hang out together and go on casual dates, then you officialise things by becoming each other’s partners, then you might move in together if things last long enough, and then there’s marriage, and oh god, then there’s kids. Sure, Johnny was maybe making it way more dramatic than what it needed to be, but there were questions he consistently carried with him since the earlier months of their relationship. He wondered if he was going to get answers before or after the kids bit.
It was complicated. Johnny didn’t want to push him at all, and at first, he didn’t mention anything because he thought that maybe it was too early. Months passed, and nothing happened. At this point, he also felt terrible because Taeyong was putting effort in hiding something that Johnny had already partially noticed.
Still, in a selfish attempt to not ruin things between them, he kept quiet. Until he reached his limit, that is.
Taeyong’s contract was coming to an end, and he was meant to move out of his flat in a week’s time. They had already discussed this in advance and figured it’d make no sense for Taeyong to stay elsewhere or to sign another contract with his current landlord and that he could just move in with Johnny. The timing of it all couldn’t have been more perfect.
Everything was packed away in boxes, and luckily Taeyong had decided to throw away old things that were now useless and give away other items that were still in good shape but that deep down he knew he wasn’t going to use any time soon, and this meant there were far fewer boxes than what Johnny had anticipated.
They still asked Doyoung, Mark and Ten to come and help them. They could have called a moving company, but they realised there was no reason to spend money on that when they could have just done everything themselves, especially considering that the only piece of furniture that was his in the flat was a small desk lamp.
Taeyong being Taeyong he made sure to label each box and write “Fragile” on some of them in big capital letters. He also kept an eye on all of them to make sure that the most essential boxes would be handled with care.
Once all of the boxes were finally brought to Johnny’s place, their friends stayed and asked if they could help with the unpacking process as well. “There is no need to, you guys have helped us enough, you can go if you want,” Taeyong replied, a kind smile on his face.
“It’s fine, we can just put away things that go in the kitchen like cutlery and dishes so you two can take care of the bedroom, I feel like it’d be a bit weird if we did the opposite, ya know?” Mark suggested as he pointed towards Johnny’s kitchen.
Johnny and Taeyong looked at each other and Johnny shrugged his shoulders. He wouldn’t have minded the extra help. “OK, sure,” Taeyong eventually agreed and looked back at their friends, “if you ever want to go though, you don’t have to stay.”
“Make yourself at home, boys,” Johnny said, “you know where everything is, so feel free to eat and drink whatever you find.” He put his arm around Taeyong and walked towards what was now going to be their bedroom, where they had already set all of the boxes that were meant for that room.
“So,” Johnny opened his wardrobe, “I tried my best to make room for your clothes, so this is your half.” He then walked towards his dresser, “I don’t know how you feel about sharing, I made sure my things would fill not more than half of every drawer, but there’s four of them so we could just get two each.”
They eventually found a way to separate everything so that both would be happy with it and they started with clothes that were meant to go in the wardrobe and then got to Taeyong’s undergarments and sleeping attire, which were intended for the dresser.
“Mh, babe?” Johnny tried to get Taeyong’s attention, who was desperately trying to find the match to a lonely sock that he found in one of the boxes.
“Yes?” he raised his eyes from the sea of socks he was navigating through and looked at his boyfriend. His face went red and immediately stood up when he saw he was holding a pair of lace panties. He quickly snatched them from Johnny’s hands.
To Taeyong, lingerie had never been a sexual thing, or at least it didn’t start as such. Sure, it could be sexual, and he actually loved the way Johnny would look at him when he wore one of his sets during sex. Still, he started wearing it mainly because he felt comfortable.
It wasn’t easy for him to bring it up to Johnny because in some of his past relationships his ex-partners would see those items as purely sexual, meaning that if they noticed Taeyong was wearing it under his clothes, then it was his way of “asking for it.” He never was.
When he once complained about it, one of his ex-boyfriends told him that it was extremely unfair for Taeyong to get mad when he was the one that was giving mixed signals just to then make him look like the villain. For a while, Taeyong also believed that maybe he was right until he found his boyfriend sleeping with someone else one day and he realised the guy didn’t give a shit about him.
There were then others that used it as a way to feminise him. As much as he didn’t mind being called pretty, he also liked being called beautiful, or handsome and he also definitely didn’t like being misgendered. Compliments and random adjectives used a way to praise him were one thing, but people acting as if he was a girl, especially during sex was utterly different.
He just wanted to feel pretty sometimes and be recognised as the gender he identified with without guys using him as a way to escape their internalised homophobia as they pretended that no, they weren’t actually fucking a guy. At first, he felt terrible for them, he really did, but they were completely disregarding his feelings and desires, and Taeyong couldn’t let anyone do that to him.
Eventually, Johnny came along. Just like with every relationship, Taeyong was scared. It didn’t always end badly, some of his breakups were relatively ordinary and normal, but some were also rather out of the ordinary, and it’d end up with him being hurt and broken. There was no way of telling how each relationship would end.
One night, he mentioned this to Johnny. He was tipsy, almost drunk, and he probably wouldn’t have said anything about it to him as sober, definitely not after just a couple of weeks of dating. One of the few things he remembered from that night was Johnny telling him, “Why are you thinking about the end already? Instead of trying to figure out how it's going to end so that you’re not going to get hurt, think about how we can make it last.”
The next morning Johnny told him that Taeyong probably didn’t remember correctly because he wasn’t that cheesy, but among the bickering and the laughter, he also made sure to reassure him that regardless of what the actual response had been, the sentiment was definitely there.
Still, that did not push enough him to share his most profound and darkest secrets, he just knew that when the time came, everything would go well. And so it did. When Taeyong told him about the whole lingerie ordeal — making sure to leave out precisely just how badly some of his exes treated him because of it, deciding to unveil one secret at a time rather than dumping everything on him right then and there — Johnny was confused.
“I just-” he tilted his head in a way that Taeyong would have found cute in any other scenario, at that moment he could feel nothing but anxiousness, “I don’t get it, it’s just underwear.”
Taeyong’s heart dropped for a second. He quickly told himself that it meant nothing, that Johnny wasn’t supposed to understand it, to understand him nor was he supposed to like any of it, as long as he could accept it and treat him the same way he always had.
Johnny probably noticed the pained expression on his face and quickly added, “No, no, wait, sorry, I realise it might not be just underwear to you, I don’t get what could make someone think ‘Oh, he’s wearing those panties, it means that he wants me to fuck him immediately’, you know? It’s such a twisted mindset that puts so much pressure on you.
“When you’re spending the night you could wear any underwear you’d like, and to me, it wouldn’t be any different than you going around in a pair of briefs or boxers, you wouldn’t be any different either.”
Taeyong let go of that breath he didn’t even know he was holding and spent the rest of the night cuddling his boyfriend.
Telling him about the other stuff, however, had been much harder. There were only a few people that knew exactly how badly things got with two of his past relationships without counting his family, and Taeyong had never been entirely open with any of his partners.
Johnny had noticed some things, but he had stupidly hoped that the way the other would flinch at times or the way he’d respond to loud noises were just reactions that meant nothing. But then one night they fought, and Johnny forgot what they were even fighting over when he made the mistake of raising his voice out of frustration. Taeyong’s instinctive response had been to protect and himself as he said four heavy words. “Please don’t hurt me.”
At that point, Taeyong knew he had to tell him. Or at least, he knew that either he was going to let Johnny feel guilty and wonder if Taeyong indeed saw him as capable of ever hurting him, or he had to explain what happened. He decided to go for the latter.
Once the conversation ended, they eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms, both too exhausted after their stupid fight and the lengthy discussion that came after it. Taeyong woke up at around 7pm, and when he found himself alone in his bed, he wondered if maybe Johnny had left to make dinner. However, he wasn’t in the kitchen, nor was he in the living room.
He found him sitting on the floor of his bathroom, his head leaned against the wall with his eyes closed. He almost thought he had fallen asleep if it only it hadn’t been for the way one of his legs was slightly bouncing. Only as he got closer, Taeyong noticed Johnny must have been crying. “Hun, what’s wrong?” Taeyong kneeled next to him and waited for him to give him any kind of response.
“Didn’t want you to see me sad, that’s all,” he said quietly.
“Why? You’ve seen me sad, there’s nothing wrong with being sad sometimes.” Taeyong reached over and put his hand on top of Johnny’s.
“I’m supposed to be strong for you, though.” Johnny looked down and held Taeyong’s hand.
Taeyong sighed. “Bub, that’s not how it works,” he rubbed Johnny’s hand with his thumb, “you are strong, and being sad doesn’t change that, plus you don’t have to be anything for me, I want you to be you, whatever that might entail.”
That night forever changed their relationship. From then on, they were more attentive around each other and also more vulnerable. They started relying on each other for most things, not to the point where they were codependent, but more in a way that meant they were both involved in most things that were happening in each other’s lives in one way or another.
They went from sharing their world with the other to being each other’s worlds. Still, none of this meant that Taeyong was okay with his boyfriend holding a pair of blue lace panties up in the air as if their friends couldn’t barge into the room any second from now.
“Shouldn’t we put these in their own drawer?” Johnny asked, referring to the container that had some of Taeyong’s favourite sets.
“I don’t know, they could go anywhere, I’ve got those cute velvet boxes you got me, they could go there, and we could put the boxes at the back of one of the drawers,” Taeyong suggested.
Johnny furrowed his eyebrows. “At the back? Why?”
“Dunno, wouldn’t want anyone to see them and think of you any different, or me for that matter.”
“You’re saying that as if I’ve got people going through my drawers on a regular basis.”
“Just trying to be extra careful, just in case.” He was about to go back to his matching sock mission but then noticed what box Johnny was about to open. He could feel his heart beating much faster, and it felt like everything stopped for a second. He pushed the sock box as he stood up from the bed, which tilted to its side and made most of the socks roll on the floor, and got to Johnny as fast as possible. “I can do this one!”
“It’s fine, you’re doing the socks right now and other than the lingerie, there’s only this stuff to put away.” Johnny looked around for the pair of scissors he had put down somewhere so that he could cut through the tape that kept the box closed, but Taeyong was able to locate them first and got a hold of them before Johnny could. “Taeyong, c’mon, just give me the scissors.”
“I said I can do that, you do the socks.”
Johnny looked at the box in front of him and noticed that the only things written on it were “bedroom?” and “fragile” but there was no indication as to what exactly could be in the box itself. The only other thing on it was a blue sticker in the shape of a heart, which again, didn’t really mean anything to Johnny.
He then wondered if this small box was what contained all the unusual items Johnny would see from time to time in Taeyong’s flat. Like the building blocks under the couch, the colouring book hidden in a stash of DVDs, the dog plushie behind several packets of ramen in a cabinet in the kitchen, or the pacifier under a pillow on his bed.
“Is this what you’ve been hiding from me?” He felt horrible asking t, but there was a part of him that thought he would have had no other chance. Plus the idea of Taeyong tried to hide this stuff now that they were under the same room was not very pleasant for Johnny.
“What do you mean?” Taeyong tried to give him a smile and act like he didn’t know what he was talking about, but Johnny could clearly see he was shaking.
“Babe,” he stood up and got closer to Taeyong, “could you give me the scissors now? I’m not going to open the box, I’m going to put them away just to be safe.”
“P-promise?” Taeyong raised his shaky fist and put his pinky up.
Johnny intertwined his pinky with Taeyong’s. “Promise.” He finally got the scissors and slowly put them on the dresser, making sure Taeyong’s eyes were on him, and then got back in front of him. “Can I touch you?”
Once Taeyong nodded, Johnny put his hands at each side of Taeyong’s face and caressed his cheeks gently and just then noticed how glossy his eyes were.
“I’m sorry, love, I shouldn't have asked, what’s in that box is obviously important to you, and I respect that, it’s your box and yours only,” he moved his hands to Taeyong’s shoulders, “I just asked because I thought that maybe you were waiting for that, I thought that maybe you wanted to talk about it but didn’t know how to start a conversation.”
“Talk about what?”
“I don’t know,” Johnny said truthfully, “and I don’t have to know, and just to be completely honest with you, I have seen some items that I think might belong in that box, but whether they’re in there or not is none of my business so if you don’t want to talk, we can just move on, does that sound better for you, babe?”
Taeyong nodded. Johnny then dropped his arms, but Taeyong quickly got a hold of his hands and put them on his shoulders again as he got closer to engulf the other into a hug. Or rather, he let himself be immersed into a hug.
Johnny waited a few seconds and then spoke again. “I completely forgot about the stuff that goes in the bathroom, do you want me to sort that out now or do you want me to help with the socks?”
“Bathroom.”
When Taeyong let go of him, Johnny started walking towards the ensuite bathroom. Before opening the door, he looked back at Taeyong who was still standing in the same spot, fiddling with the hems of his hoodie.
Johnny opened the door, ready to leave. Taeyong spoke, making him stay. “Can you bring Dodo?”
It took Johnny a moment to get what he was talking about. “You mean Doyoung?” Johnny furrowed his eyebrows and tried to figure out where Taeyong’s request was coming from.
Taeyong nodded and said nothing else. Johnny sighed and went to the kitchen, where the boys were arguing about how to position the glasses. When Johnny entered the room, they stopped and looked right at him. The scene would have almost been comical if only Johnny hadn’t been too focused on Taeyong.
Ten was holding one of Taeyong’s glasses up high as Mark was trying to reach for it, which wouldn’t have been a problem if it hadn’t been for Doyoung, who was holding the younger back, worried that either one of them would end up dropping that damn glass.
Johnny crossed his arms, and they all put a halt to their little argument and tried to make themselves look more serious and not like they were just fighting over such a stupid thing. “What’s up?” asked Ten as he nonchalantly put the glass back on the counter.
“Could you come with me for a sec?” Johnny asked, looking right at Doyoung.
“Sure,” Doyoung replied, looking extremely confused both by the request and the tone of it, “is everything alright?”
Johnny didn’t really feel like replying, so he just left the kitchen hoping that Doyoung would follow him, which he did. Once they got to the bedroom, Doyoung seemed to clearly have a better understanding of what was going on than Johnny.
Taeyong was now sat on the floor, his tiny frame mostly covered by the bed he was sitting against, and the infamous box seemed to have now been opened, or at least the tape had been cut through.
Doyoung immediately ran towards Taeyong and sat next to him. Johnny could hear some whispers, but he was starting to feel like he was intruding, so he decided to just go into the bathroom instead. Before he could close the door, a hand stopped him, and Ten got into the bathroom with him.
“Mark is doing just fine in the kitchen, there are only two glasses left anyway, so I figured I could help you,” he explained in a soft voice as he brightly smiled.
Johnny knew there was no way in hell, he could reject Ten and that regardless of what he said, Ten would stay anyway, so he just accepted it. “There’s only one box, you do face products and stuff like that, while I take care of the rest, does that sound alright?”
Ten nodded and waited for Johnny to open the box and hand him the travel bag Taeyong had put most of his skincare products in. As he started to put away things like shampoo and conditioner, Johnny knew that this silence was not going to last much longer and that soon Ten would say something, so he braced himself in the meantime.
“You know, you shouldn’t be jealous of Doyoung.” Ten could be blunt, he often was, but sometimes he managed to be direct without being too straightforward, and it would usually leave him confused.
“I’m not though.” He figured that Doyoung knew. Johnny had no idea what was there to know, but he knew that Doyoung knew. Not only that, he knew enough for Taeyong to trust him with it, and to rely on him. He guessed Ten knew too.
Johnny wasn’t the jealous type. He didn’t care if other people approached Taeyong, if he spent more time with his friends, if he didn’t go to Johnny first for something, he didn’t care because he knew that in the end, Taeyong was his, he was Taeyong’s.
Not knowing had never been an issue for Johnny. Taeyong had proved to him several times already that he had no problem with Johnny knowing certain things, it was just a matter of figuring out the best way and time to tell him, and Johnny could respect that.
What bothered Johnny was the hiding, the fact that Taeyong regularly went out of his way to hide something from him, and knowing that if Taeyong ever had issues related to this damn thing, Johnny could do jack shit.
Most of the things Taeyong had confided in him were like earthquakes that had shaken his life upside down, but now all that was left were small aftershocks, and Johnny was there to help with those. And every other disaster that occurred during their relationship they took care of together .
With this, Johnny had no way of knowing when everything started, he had no way of knowing if he had ever made things worse for him, he had no way of knowing if he could help or if there was anything that needed fixing. He hated being in a limbo of pretending to not know that there was something he didn't know.
Johnny wasn’t jealous of Doyoung, he was mad at himself if anything. Mad that he wasn’t able to make Taeyong comfortable enough and that maybe he had just made things even worse.
“I can hear you thinking from here, wanna share with the class?”
“I don’t know,” Johnny found himself admitting for the second time that afternoon, “I just wish Taeyong could trust me—actually, I wish I was trustworthy enough.”
Ten chuckled. “It’s not that, he does trust you, and you are trustworthy, it’s just that Taeyong, well, I don’t know how to explain it properly,” Ten turned around and rested his hands back on the sink as he looked in Johnny’s direction, “I guess he doesn’t want your relationship to change.”
“Why would it change? Yours or his with Doyoung hasn’t changed, has it?”
“Yeah, true that” Ten bit his lower lip. “But we’ve been here since before it was a thing, we saw it as it happened, it’s different, plus it’s not like we’re the ones that he’s in a romantic relationship with,” Ten pointed out, “emphasis on romantic.”
Johnny and Taeyong had never been friends for the sake of being just friends. The moment they were introduced, most of their friends assumed this was how it was going to end, and deep down, they knew it too. When they started hanging out together alone, rather than with all of their common friends, they always felt like unofficial dates more than anything else.
They were friends now, bestest of friends, but that usually comes with any healthy and normal relationship. You are each other’s friends and confidant, but most importantly, you are partners, and that’s what makes things different.
Johnny knew Taeyong had seen him as a potential future boyfriend since day one, had told him so himself, so maybe the thing was something that Taeyong was more comfortable with sharing with friends. Still, that piece of information did not narrow things down for him.
“Anyway,” it didn’t feel right to speak about Taeyong like that without him knowing, so he felt the need to change the topic, “how is it going between you and Jaehyun?”
Ten quickly turned around and busied himself with Taeyong’s stuff. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Well, I went to the gym with him yesterday and his neck, my good god,” he shook his head in disbelief, “felt like I could almost see your name signed right under it, but if you say that wasn’t you, then I’m sure I should believe you.”
“His neck? What? Wait, I made sure not to—” Ten stopped himself, but the damage had been done already.
“Don’t worry, there was nothing on his neck, I only noticed the state you left that poor boy in when we were getting changed,” Johnny reassured him, “I didn’t know you could leave marks like that in certain areas, to be honest, it was rather enlightening.”
“That poor boy? He enjoyed it so it’s fine and, for your information, yes, I had to get creative.” Ten sounded almost proud when he said that.
“What’s up with all the hiding, though? Is it a serious thing, or is it just casual?”
Ten groaned. “Wish I had an answer to that, I want it to be serious, but a part of me thinks that he just wants to get in my pants or that he’s ashamed of me, and both of them are pretty horrible options.”
“C’mon, Jaehyun isn’t like that, if he only wanted to sleep with you, he would have done that, instead of playing with you, there’s probably a reason behind it all. Also, ashamed? Why would he ever be ashamed of you?”
“I don’t know, Ten slurred, “what if he thinks I just want to be with everyone in our group of friends? What if he doesn’t want to be with someone like me?”
“Someone like you?” Johnny put away the last hair product, hoping that everything wouldn’t fall the moment he turned around and focused his attention on Ten. “I’m the only other person you dated among our friends, but that still doesn’t mean shit, you could have dated every single one of us, and that wouldn’t give anyone the right to see you in a bad light.
“And again, it’s Jaehyun, he’s probably only emotionally constipated or something, he only thinks highly of you, I promise.”
Ten looked at him for a couple of seconds and then nodded to himself. “You’re right, thank you.”
“Where has all of this come from? Is this what you genuinely think all the time or did something happen?”
Ten pursued his lips and looked down. “I can’t really tell you, sorry.”
“Was it Jaehyun? I can speak to him if you want.”
“Oh, no,” Ten looked up and shook his head. “He’s done nothing, don’t worry.”
Before Johnny could say something, Doyoung opened the door and joined them. “Taeyong was feeling sleepy, he sort of fell asleep on your bed, but we put most things away, there’s only one box that he said he wants to go through with you later.”
“Yeah, that’s fine, thanks for the help.” Johnny wasn’t sure what exactly he had to thank him for, but he was still grateful. If he couldn’t do anything to help his boyfriend, he was glad that there were still other people that could.
Not long after that, he found himself in his bedroom alone as he looked at his boyfriend fast asleep on the bed. Johnny couldn’t help but notice the absence of the infamous box and the sudden appearance of a plushie he had seen before, currently positioned right next to Taeyong. That only made it more evident to him that his guess had been right and all of the unusual objects he had seen belonged in that box.
At that moment, it was not like he could do anything about it, so he tucked Taeyong in, and went to the living room, where their friends were murmuring. They hung out together for a while as if nothing had just happened, and talked about university, their jobs, their busy schedules.
Eventually, they all left, and Johnny couldn’t bring himself to go to his bedroom. He was so afraid of the idea of making Taeyong upset again that he didn’t know how to behave. Taeyong had told him once to never feel like he has to walk on eggshells around him, that no matter what, he wouldn’t want Johnny to treat him differently, too scared to break him. And yet there he was, doing exactly that.
He spent some time watching videos on his phone, waiting for either Taeyong to wake up or for dinner time to come around. Before the latter option could occur, Taeyong opened the door to the bedroom, and Johnny twisted his head to the side immediately. Taeyong came out with a blanket around his shoulders, messy hair, and a very sleepy look on his face.
He waddled till he reached the couch and then sat next to Johnny, engulfing him in a warm embrace as he covered him with the blanket. Johnny caressed Taeyong’s hair with one hand and held his hand with the other. They stayed like that for what felt like hours until Taeyong broke the silence between them. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.”
Taeyong sat up and looked at Johnny in the eyes. “Why are you sorry?”
Johnny knew things were serious when Taeyong actually made eye contact. Most people didn’t really notice, but Taeyong would rarely make eye contact, and simply stared at different parts of the interlocutor’s face instead. Nevertheless, there were moments where to him, eye contact was important. Whether that be whenever he professed his love or during fights.
“Shouldn’t have pushed you outside of your comfort zone like that,” Johnny slowly raised his right hand, and Taeyong leaned in, letting the hand caress his cheek.
“You didn’t, you just asked a question,” Taeyong put his hand on Johnny’s right one and softly caressed it, “while I haven’t been honest with you, at all.”
As he looked at his teary eyes, Johnny felt the sudden urge to keep Taeyong close, kiss his face in every reachable area, and protect him forever, but he also wanted to let Taeyong finish his speech and say what was obviously tormenting his mind.
Still wanting to keep his boyfriend as close as possible, Johnny positioned him on his lap and made sure not to let the blanket fall. “You can tell me anything, babe, you know that.”
Taeyong put his hands on Johnny’s shoulders and made himself comfortable. “Sometimes things get too much, you know? Deadlines at uni, people being shit at my job where, by the way, I definitely don’t get paid enough, my anxiety making everything much worse, and then I also want to make you feel happy, as long as you’re happy, I’m fine.
“But sometimes bad feelings take over, and I just—” Johnny made sure to gently touch him to give him the comfort he needed, “I don’t want to deal with it, sometimes I want everything to stop, and feel free, careless, have fun, I want to be pampered, to feel loved, and that’s what that box is for.”
Johnny knew that, despite his strong facade, Taeyong struggled a lot. He had seen him breakdown a couple of times before, and it shattered his heart every time. Taeyong always made sure everyone around him was happy and would be genuinely shocked when people went out of their way to take care of him.
He made everyone happy and never expected anything back. Johnny admired that and respected him for that, but it also worried him. He was afraid one day Taeyong would push himself too far.
As happy as he was to hear that Taeyong had some sort of outlet, he wasn’t sure how the box could help. “What do you mean?”
Taeyong looked visibly flustered as he tried to gather his thoughts. “Well, I-” he quickly stopped himself. “Promise not to laugh?”
Before saying anything, Johnny once again intertwined their pinkies and Taeyong relaxed his body, letting his head fall on one of Johnny’s shoulders. “I would never.”
Johnny started caressing Taeyong’s back with his free hand and waited for him to say something, anything. “As I’ve said, life is a lot sometimes, so I just like to—I just play with my toys, or colour in some drawings, or other things like that.”
“And so in the box, you have your toys and colouring books?” Johnny had heard of adults using colouring books to relax before on the internet, and well, he was the proud owner of a lovely collection of plushies, so Johnny was definitely not the one to criticise others for enjoying things that are typically deemed as childish.
Taeyong nodded slowly. “But it’s not just that.”
“OK, what else is there then?” Johnny asked upon waiting for a few moments, realising that maybe Taeyong needed a push.
“I usually enter this headspace that allows me to almost act like a baby, and that also means I like being taken care of and cuddled, I might speak with a different tone or become a bit more sensitive and whiny if I don’t get what I want, it’s stuff like this.”
Johnny took his time to register this information. It surely explained a lot. Actually, it explained everything. All the items Johnny had noticed around Taeyong’s former flat could be undoubtedly connected to this. “And would you like to do that with me? Would you like me to take care of you like that?”
Taeyong was silent for a while, and it almost worried Johnny, but ultimately, he spoke up again. “I don’t know,” he responded sincerely, “since it started, Doyoung has been my go-to person, he knows me, he knows that part of me quite well too, and I know he doesn’t mind taking care of me.
“But then what if we try it, and you find it boring? Or annoying? I’m scared that could do more damage than good, but at the same time, there have been so many occasions where I could kind of feel myself enter that headspace around you because sometimes you do have that effect on me.”
Johnny furrowed his eyebrows ever so slightly, finding that statement somewhat surprising. “Would you mind explaining what you mean by that? And like, is it a good thing or a bad thing? Is there anything I shouldn’t be doing?”
“Oh, no, no, it’s complicated, I guess,” Taeyong quickly responded, “but it’s not a bad thing, it’s just that you call me ‘baby’ a lot, you hold me in your arms like you’re doing now, you cuddle me, you have a lot of cute plushies, you basically do a lot of the things that I like even more while I’m in that headspace, so you could say that your way of babying me is a positive trigger.
“The only problem is that again, me being in that headspace means that I will behave like a baby, and I would never want to impose on you the responsibility of taking care of me like that, especially not when you didn't sign up for it.”
“Then shouldn’t that reassure you that I wouldn’t find it boring? If I already treat you like that, why would I be annoyed if all of a sudden you need an extra cuddle, or you need someone to play with?”
Taeyong shrugged. “Doyoung said a similar thing once, I was just too scared, everything has been going so well between us, and I keep on dropping things on you, I didn’t want you to have to deal with so many things because of me.”
Johnny kissed the top of Taeyong’s head. “Don’t say that, I rely on you a lot too, you know that, you do so many things just because they might accommodate me, or because you know it’s what I need before I do, I’d be lost without you.”
He had never been the type of guy to openly discuss feelings and personal problems, he liked dealing with things on his own as much as he could, but Taeyong never let him do that. He always respected Johnny’s wishes, but he also made sure to stay close enough so that he could quickly help him if necessary. Taeyong knew sides of him that most people didn’t even know existed.
Just like Taeyong always made an effort to understand him, Johnny felt like it was only fair he’d do the same. The day following their conversation, he spent hours on his laptop researching the topic. Little space . He’d be lying if he said he had any idea what that meant or that he had heard it before, but there were plenty of resources online.
More often than he would have liked, he found himself on some skanky website that looked at the topic from a sexual perspective, and Taeyong had made it obvious that he saw this as everything but a sexual thing and that the thought itself made him rather uncomfortable.
It was when he got to Tumblr that he decided his research was done. He had seen enough of the internet for the day, and it was only 10AM. He eventually decided that despite all the new knowledge he had on the topic, no one could tell him what he needed to know about Taeyong. No one except for Doyoung.
Johnny (10:14AM)
hey, this is going to sound weird, but what does ty like
when he’s in little space?
Johnny put his phone to the side on the couch, feeling worried all of a sudden. He started to wonder if it was worth doing something else, rather than just sit around and wait for a reply, but the vibration of his phone stopped him before he could get up. But it wasn’t Doyoung.
Tyong (10:16AM)
we’re supposed to stay here after our class to talk
about the coursework, i’ll be back home late
Tyong (10:16AM)
sorry ｡ﾟ(｡ﾉωヽ｡)ﾟ｡
Johnny (10:16AM)
no need to apologise! you’re coming back before
lunch time tho, right?
Tyong (10:17AM)
yes!! it shouldn’t take more than one hour
Johnny (10:17AM)
great then I’ll make lunch for us :)
Tyong (10:17AM)
thank u ♡ i have to pay attention now, see you later!
i love you
Johnny (10:18AM)
love you too
He then consumed the rest of his morning working on some assessments until he presumed that Taeyong was supposed to come back soon, meaning that it was time to make lunch. As he waited for the rice cooker to go off, he checked his social media and then a long-awaited notification popped up at the top, followed by another one right after.
Doyoung (12:23PM)
So he finally told you, huh?
Doyoung (12:23PM)
Well, when he’s in that space do not raise your voice at
him, be patient and kinder than usual, ask him for his
permission before you do ANYTHING, and don’t try to
force him into it just because you see he’s stressed
and think he might need that
Doyoung (12:23PM)
(btw I know you’d never be aggressive with him and you
already do all of these things anyway, but you asked so)
Johnny (12:23PM)
Force him into it? How would that even work?
Johnny (12:23PM)
I’m asking so I can make sure I’ll never do that
Doyoung (12:23PM)
For example, if he’s stressed and he’s not saying
anything, don’t use his triggers on purpose or don’t
randomly ask him if he wants to play, for all you know
he might genuinely want to talk about it but he’s just
waiting for the right time
Johnny (12:24PM)
Makes sense. I read online that some people might
force themselves out of it tho
Doyoung (12:24PM)
Wait, you googled it? You’re whipped Johnny Suh
Doyoung (12:24PM)
But yeah, he does that sometimes, if he’s in class for
example it’s not like he can just start acting like that in
front of everyone, but again, he knows best, he wants
to be in little space then he will, if he doesn’t then he’ll
find a way to take care of it
Johnny (12:24PM)
So I should just follow his flow and wait?
Doyoung (12:25PM)
Pretty much, yeah. Still, if he needs you when you
genuinely don’t have the time, tell him and he’ll
understand, he’ll wait
The rice cooker started beeping.
Johnny (12:25PM)
Thank you so so much for your help
He separated the rice into two different bowls and put all of the other ingredients he had prepared on top. He heard Taeyong unlock the entrance door and he quickly grabbed a pan to fry a couple of eggs.
“Johnny, I’m home!” Taeyong announced from the living room.
Home . It still felt weird for Johnny to think of that as their home, but it also felt right in every way. Johnny smiled to himself. “I’m in the kitchen!”
Taeyong leaned against the entrance of the kitchen, looking around to see what Johnny was making. Briefly taking his eyes off the eggs, Johnny turned around to look at his boyfriend. “You can get changed if you want, I’ll call you when I’m done.”
The couple ended up having lunch sat on the couch as Taeyong told him about his annoying professor and how stressed everyone was because of him. Johnny figured this was what Doyoung meant. Taeyong wanted to talk and vent to him, treating him like a kid now would have almost diminished his feelings.
So Johnny did what Taeyong needed. Which is what he was best at.
It was only later that night that Johnny encountered Yongie for the first time. He’d received an email from one of his professors who was reminding his students of a deadline that was right around the corner. Johnny was sure he had already submitted that essay last week, but when he checked, just to be sure, he realised that he didn’t.
The problem now was that Johnny had no idea where he saved that file. He had checked every folder on his laptop, even those that had nothing to do with his uni work.
And nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“Taeyong, have you used my laptop recently?” Johnny asked as he looked for his USB stick, hoping that he had saved it there for some odd reason.
When he received no response, he turned around and saw that Taeyong was laying on their bed and he was looking at him. Johnny tilted his head. “So?”
Taeyong shook his head and then rolled to the other side of the bed until he was on his side. “Why would I even use it?” he whispered.
Johnny sighed. “You’re right, sorry.” Taeyong looked up again, seemingly surprised that Johnny had even heard him but said nothing.
He started to give up when he couldn’t even find it on his USB stick. He looked at the time. 11:19PM. How was he supposed to write another 3000-word essay before tomorrow? “Fuck me,” he muttered under his breath as he let his head fall on the desk.
“You said a bad word!” Taeyong exclaimed, almost too loudly considering the time.
“What?” Johnny looked at Taeyong again, who was now sitting in the middle of a very messy bed.
“You’re not supposed to say bad words in front of Yongie,” he explained as if it was obvious. Before Johnny could even register exactly what was going on, he asked: “Why did you say a bad word?”
“I’m looking for my essay, I think that when I uploaded it, it didn’t load properly or something, so now I either find it, or I have to write it again, but it’s for tomorrow.”
Taeyong scratched the back of his head, deep in his thoughts. “Yongie has a copy!” He then ran out of the bedroom, almost tripping on the duvet that was partly on the floor now and returned with his computer. “Look,” Taeyong opened his laptop and unlocked it.
Johnny stood up to join him on the bed and saw as Taeyong opened a file on his desktop. He did have it.
Taeyong must have noticed the confusion on his face. “You wanted someone to read it, and I never delete what you send.” He smiled proudly.
Johnny could finally breathe. “Can you send it over, please?”
The response he got wasn’t exactly what he was expecting. Taeyong closed his laptop and rolled away, keeping his computer to his chest as he brought laid down and brought his knees closer to him. “Taeyong?”
“I thought you wanted this,” Taeyong muttered, his voice barely audible.
Johnny sometimes hated himself. He was so absorbed in his own world that he ignored all the little hints Taeyong was giving off.
“I have been waiting for more than one hour, I was quiet, I played by myself while you were busy, I found your thing, but that’s all you care about.”
“You’re right, you have been such a good boy, and I have ignored you for too long, I’m so sorry, let me make it up to you.”
When Taeyong wouldn’t budge, Johnny stood up and turned off his computer completely. He noticed the way Taeyong was peeking over his shoulder to see what he was doing but acted as if nothing happened when Johnny sat next to him again.
“I turned off my computer, if you give me yours I will put it on the desk next to mine and then we can do what you want, how does that sound to you?”
“Can I eat ice-cream in bed too?”
“I mean, ice-cream before bed isn’t—” Taeyong whipped his head back to look at him, the biggest pout on his face. “OK, sure, but just a tiny bit.”
Taeyong let his computer go and jumped on Johnny. “Let’s cuddle!”
Johnny laughed softly. “Before we do that, let me put away your computer, and you make yourself comfortable under the covers, alright?”
In just a few moments, the pair were under the covers with the lights dimmed as they were having a tickle fight (Johnny let Taeyong win, but he didn’t need to know that).
“The professor was really mean today,” Taeyong told him at some point, once both of them calmed down.
“You said everyone’s stressed, right?”
Taeyong nodded against his shoulder. “He said that Yongie’s lyrics were too childish.”
“And why is that a bad thing? It just means Yongie is more youthful and cheerful than he is, and that is beautiful to me, your lyrics are beautiful, you are beautiful.”
“No,” Taeyong whispered and then hid himself in Johnny’s neck.
“Wait, no, Yongie, can you look at me?” They rolled to the side and positioned themselves facing each other. Johnny took Taeyong’s face in his hands. “You are the most beautiful person that I have ever seen, everything you make, everything you touch can not be anything but as beautiful as you.”
A tear escaped from Taeyong’s eyes, and Johnny wiped it away. “You’re beautiful too, but you didn't need Yongie’s touch to become beautiful, you already were the beautifulest.”
Johnny chuckled and felt loved. He constantly did whenever he was around Taeyong. Still, there were times like this one where he felt suffocated as if he had no other way to breathe, but through Taeyong, he had no way to live if not through him and his love. He wasn’t sure he deserved to be this in love.
“Johnny,” Taeyong looked more serious now, smile gone from his face, “you have to meet someone.”
One thing Johnny was starting to notice was how sporadic and quick his actions and thoughts were when he was in this state. Once again, he ran off but this time to his side of the closet, and he took out a plushie. “Oh, who’s this?”
Taeyong joined him and put the plushie in the middle. “Yongie likes to hug him when no one else is around to hold him, so he’s very, very special.”
“I’m glad I finally got to meet him then.”
Taeyong proceeded to tell him about how he got that plushie and about all the times he held him so close he thought it could break. Taeyong laughed, smiled, but also trembled, cried. But in contrast to the stories Taeyong was telling him, now Johnny was there to hold him, and he was planning on staying for as long as possible.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms, and to no one’s surprise, Taeyong was the first one to wake up. He left before Johnny could even notice.
When Johnny finally woke up and went to the kitchen, he found a post-it note left behind by Taeyong. “I’m at uni! I sent you the essay. Thank you for last night, I love you, beautiful (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡” . Johnny could see that Taeyong must have failed his first attempt at drawing that last part, as there was something he had scribbled over right next to the successful attempt.
He then got ready to go to uni too. It was only when he arrived in front of the bathroom’s mirror that he realised he hadn’t stopped smiling since he had woken up that morning.
Johnny still felt bad for not realising immediately that Taeyong had removed his barriers the previous night and exposed himself to him, but he was willing to learn and get better. He loved Taeyong like he had never loved anyone else. And he loved every part of him. Yongie wasn’t too far off how Taeyong usually behaved anyway, he just whined a bit more, but Johnny could get used to that.
What mattered to him was that Taeyong didn’t have to hide anymore. In all honesty, Johnny found some kind of comfort in taking care of Taeyong like that too.
Nothing else mattered but his baby.
Johnny (08:38AM)
I love you so much