Chapter Text
When they arrive back home, Wonwoo is swept away in a river of work, his mind on autopilot for two straight weeks. Most nights he’s lucky if he gets four hours of sleep. He was doing alright the first week, and then things just sort of… drowned him. He manages a text here and there to Mingyu, and his heart fucking hurts because he can’t see him, he can’t be with him, he can’t hear the other’s voice.
Finally, the product is launched, the marketing campaign is launched, and the numbers are running smoothly. The ads are perfect, and the company is profiting, and everything is quiet, for a blissful moment. So Wonwoo goes home early on a Thursday, and catches up on some sleep. When he wakes, he’s got a craving for Mingyu, and his arms around him, and his goofy laugh, and his charming smile. So he texts him. It’s dinnertime, so Mingyu is probably busy at the restaurant, Wonwoo knows, but he doesn’t hear back, not for three whole days.
Over these three days, Wonwoo decides it’s time to cleanse himself. He sits on the floor of his bedroom, reaching far under his bed until his hand touches it, the box that’s sat under his bed for years, collecting dust, and he pulls it out. The dusty top reads ‘ Minghao ’ in his calculated handwriting, and he finally decides it’s time to open it. He pulls the lid off, and the contents of the box are the same, just as he left them. A wedding invitation. Four photos. Two shirts. A letter. 17 post-its that he used to find in his lunch and post in his cubicle, back when his office was a cubicle. A quarter that Wonwoo had in his pocket the day they met. The pocket square from his wedding tux. And three rings, an engagement band, and both of their wedding rings.
Wonwoo takes the rings out and examines them, setting them aside to sell. They might need a polish, but that’s alright, they’re not in bad shape, and neither of the wedding rings have been used at all.
Next are the post it notes.
Hope you have a great day! I love you!
Kick ass and take names! Get that deal! Love, Minghao
Good luck on your presentation, baby! Kisses, M.H.
Just a little reminder that I love you, Woo! -Hao
Packed you a little extra snack today, you’ve been looking too skinny lately. XOXO Hao
Wonwoo stares at them for a few minutes, reading over all of them with a small smile on his face. Minghao was a good guy, even if he did break Wonwoo’s heart. He always cared for Wonwoo, even up until the end.
Wonwoo carefully places the notes back in the box, and looks at the two worn out t-shirts that are speckled with holes. Probably should just throw those out, no one is going to pick those up at the thrift store. Wonwoo sets the pocket square aside to be donated when he goes through his wardrobe.
Wonwoo looks at the letter from when Minghao went to visit his parents in China, the one that he’d sent just after they got engaged, with which he had enclosed 4 cool postcards, and a keychain. They still all sat in the envelope with the letter, and Wonwoo had read the letter about a hundred times when Minghao left him at the altar, and most of it is tear soaked now, and crinkled from squishing it to his chest as he sobbed. The writing isn’t really that legible, but Wonwoo remembers bits and pieces of it. His parents’ expressions when Minghao told them they were getting married. How he couldn’t wait to start planning it, and how much he loved and missed him, and how he couldn’t wait for Wonwoo to visit his parents in China.
That never happened, since Wonwoo met them in person for the first time (aside from about a thousand facetime phone calls with Minghao) two weeks before their wedding, when they came out to visit for the wedding.
The photos are beautiful, memories that even now, Wonwoo can recall with clarity, one when they visited the beach and Minghao took a photo of him, ever the photographer, with the sunset in the background, soaking up the golden rays. His nose was a tad pink with sunburn, and his hair was curled with humidity and salt water, and blowing in the breeze. It was a beautiful photo, but on closer inspection, Wonwoo could see the pain in his eyes. It’s subtle, and it shows the torment in Wonwoo’s mind, the string he pulled ever tighter to bottle his emotions.
He remembers hours earlier from the photo, he and Minghao had argued, something small, something ridiculous, like how Wonwoo wanted to stay in and read for a few hours and Minghao had wanted to go down to the pier and get ice cream, but Wonwoo had wanted to cry. Minghao ended up going out to the town and leaving Wonwoo home, and Wonwoo shut himself in the bathroom to cry, refusing to let Minghao see him like that.
Wonwoo sets it aside, considering putting it up on the wall somewhere. Minghao was a beautiful photographer, and Wonwoo hadn’t been to the beach in years.
The next photo is one of him and Minghao and several friends- including Minghao’s friend Yanan, and Soonyoung and Jihoon and Seokmin. This was long before Seokmin and Chan got together. Another good photo, which Wonwoo was considering hanging up. They had gone out to dinner that night and taken a cute group photo, before Yanan left for China again. Wonwoo wonders how he’s been.
The third photo is of just himself and Minghao. Not a keeper, but a good memory. It was from when they went to the local fair, and Minghao had insisted they took a selfie at the top of the Ferris wheel. Wonwoo feels any prior resentment towards Minghao dissipating.
The fourth photo is from the night they got engaged. Minghao was flashing the ring, the brightest smile on his face, and Wonwoo looking smitten at him. He had proposed at a game night, when they were in the kitchen alone, and Jihoon and Soonyoung and Seokmin were arguing in the living room over Uno. Jihoon had taken the photo, and Minghao had printed it out a week later and framed it, and stuck it in the middle of the living room.
This isn’t a keeper either. But a good memory.
Wonwoo throws it all out, except for the rings to sell, and the two photos, and the pocket square, which he tosses into the basket that would be full of donations. Wonwoo pulls out his laptop and starts looking for photos to print and frames to fit them in. He picks out a few from his phone, ones of him and his friends, and ones of his brother and wife, ones of their family this past Christmas, and ones from his and Mingyu’s trip, and sends them to the nearest grocery store to print so he could pick them up.
Wonwoo goes through his closet and donates his oldest suits, the ones he hardly wears, and a few pairs of jeans he only wears if all his others are dirty. He cleans out the fridge, and decides it"s time to shop. Maybe he could get ingredients for dinner for next time Mingyu came over. Wonwoo writes out a list of things, looking up recipes of meals that are easy, that he thinks Mingyu would like.
His phone chimes, and he rushes over in excitement to see who it’s from. Not Mingyu.
Instead it’s Soonyoung and Jihoon’s group chat, asking him to come over for a few drinks tomorrow night. Wonwoo wholeheartedly agrees, excited to see his friends again after a while. He asks if Seokmin and Chan are still in town, to which Jihoon replies yes, and says that they’ll be there too. His phone chimes next with an email from the store, notifying him that his photos are printed and ready for pickup, so he snaps a photo of the list on the fridge, and heads out to the store.
When he gets back, photo frames, fairy lights, and clothes pins in hand, he shoves the groceries in the fridge and gets to work to frame pictures and hang them. His apartment suddenly feels so much homier, and brighter. Suddenly, his apartment feels less like a lonely bachelor pad, and more like home , like a place he loves, and a place he wants to be for a long time. He stares at the photo of him and Mingyu in front of the Disney castle, that’s perched on a bookshelf next to his TV, and he smiles.
The next night he goes to Jihoon and Soonyoung’s with a plan in his head and a spring in his step, even if he hasn’t heard from Mingyu in two days. He knocks on the door of their little house, and Soonyoung greets him with a hug. He can hear the rest of the group chattering inside, and Jihoon is cooking some casserole something for dinner, and it smells fantastic.
“Help yourself to snacks, dinner won’t be for another half an hour,” Jihoon says, handing Wonwoo a glass of white wine. Seokmin and Chan step in to greet him too, and they all ask about Japan. Wonwoo shows them photos, and talks excitedly about Mingyu, and while they don’t say anything, Wonwoo knows what they’re thinking.
He’s whipped.
“Wonwoo… I know you might not want to hear it again, but… You should really talk to Mingyu about… taking things a step further. Having Mingyu be… not just a friend, but something more?” Jihoon dances around the words boyfriend and relationship, but Wonwoo knows he’s trying to keep things light, because those have always been touchy subjects for Wonwoo.
“I ran into Minghao while we were in Japan,” Wonwoo starts out.
“No!” Jihoon gasps.
“Are you serious?!” Seokmin asks, incredulous.
“What the hell?!” Soonyoung all but shouts.
“Yeah, I know.. But… I talked to him. I got answers from him. And- yeah, you guys were right the whole time, no need to say I told you so. But… I’ve let go. Of any resentment, of any bad feelings towards him. And I’m not going to go into detail about… what he told me, but. I’ve changed, even he sees it, and I always thought it was for the worse… But he saw the better. Like Minghao always did. And he believes that I’m better than I ever was with him. But he knows I’m afraid. I spilled the whole story of Mingyu, and he told me that I deserved to love. He said I shouldn’t be afraid because Mingyu loves me.” Wonwoo says quietly.
Seokmin looks at him, as if prompting him to go on. “Well?”
“Jihoon, Soonyoung. If my plus one is still… allowed, I’d really like to bring Mingyu. As my boyfriend.”
Jihoon all but screams and tackles Wonwoo in a hug. Luckily, he’d set his wine down long ago, otherwise it would be all. Over. Soonyoung screeches and joins the tackle hug, and Seokmin and Chan laugh it off behind them.
“Wonwoo has a boyfriend !” Jihoon shouts, removing himself from Wonwoo to do a happy dance.
“Not exactly! I just- I’m going to tell him how I feel and ask him tomorrow night… I just- I was going to in Japan but I’m nervous… I’m still scared, and I don’t know of what, or why, because I know Mingyu feels the same and I just- I needed the right way to do it.”
“And a romantic trip for two to Japan wasn’t it?!” Chan exclaims.
“No, it- it needed to be different. I don’t know, during Japan just didn’t seem right to me. I’m going to do it tomorrow night, I know he has Saturdays off, and I want to take him out to dinner, and I’m going to give him flowers with the invitation, and it’s all going to be very cliche, I know .” Wonwoo explains. They all coo over him, and Jihoon still calls him a little bit of an idiot, but coos anyways.
So Wonwoo now has his grand ‘I love Mingyu’ plan. Except he knows himself. He knows he’s a stupid coward and probably won’t be able to actually speak it , so he writes a letter. A whole freaking letter to let Mingyu know every single feeling he’s been feeling, and the way he loves him. And on the third night of silence from Mingyu, on Saturday, he plans to execute said plan.
And he makes sure to bring the invitation to Jihoon and Soonyoung’s wedding.
Dear Mingyu,
I’m writing this because I know when I go to say it, the words aren’t going to come out right (if at all). I am afraid, afraid to love, afraid that I’m not worthy, that I’m undeserving, that I can’t love someone if I can’t even love myself. But that’s stupid, because I already know. I already know that you love me, even though I’m fucked up. And don’t say I’m not, because I am. I’m emotionally constipated, even if Minghao says I’m not anymore.
That day in Japan, when I went to get you pastries and coffee, out of every single person in the world, I ran into Minghao. And it didn’t hurt anymore, in my chest, to see him. And I realized that he’s not the reason I was hurting, I was the reason that I was hurting. Sure, it hurt getting my heart broken, sure it hurt to have so many unanswered questions. But I was holding me back, with my stupid fears and my stupid self-loathing. And that’s what it was, because I let myself get hurt and then continued to hurt myself by not letting myself love again.
Wonwoo straightens his jacket a little, and grabs the bouquet and his keys, and calls the restaurant once more to check on his reservations, ensuring that everything is on schedule. He grabs the umbrella by the door, noting the steady drizzle outside, and the way the pavement shines with rainwater. He heads down to the parking lot of his building and climbs in the car, driving the all too familiar route to Mingyu’s.
Minghao said I was changed. He said I wasn’t like I was when we were together. Maybe that’s what hurting does to you, it changes a person, and it can make you worse or you can get better from it. He said he never once saw me cry, or get angry. And he’s right, I never did cry, I never got angry with him, I wouldn’t be true to my feelings when I was with him. He’s right, Mingyu, I’ve changed. And while I’m still terrified of it, I’ve fallen in love.
I’ve fallen in love with you, Mingyu. Every little thing about you. The way you laugh, your smile, your kind heart, the way you put up with all my bullshit, your spectacular cooking, the way you make ME laugh, the way you’ve made me into something more than a cold hearted bachelor who just finds a random fuck at a bar on a Friday night. You’ve made me a man who I want to be, and I used to be someone who couldn’t stand to look himself in the mirror in the morning.
Wonwoo arrives in front of Mingyu’s building and heads up to the fourth floor, walking through the familiar hall, the shitty carpet under his feet silencing his footsteps, the fluorescent lighting giving the hall a strange glow. Mingyu’s door is to the left, and Wonwoo knocks.
You know, before we went to Japan, when I ignored you for weeks? When we didn’t talk for months? I was trying not to love you, but it wouldn’t work. I was trying not to love you, because I didn’t love myself. I felt that you were someone who deserved the universe, and I felt like I couldn’t give it to you, because I was the World’s Shittiest Man™ and I thought I was still afraid to love. And I was. And I’m still a little scared. So I pushed you out. And all I could feel deep in my gut was regret for that, and guilt over how I might have made you feel.
And then I came crawling back, and you welcomed me with open arms, and I in that moment I KNEW I didn’t deserve you, but I knew you wanted me, no matter what shit I put you through, because you are kind, and you are caring, and you’re genuine, and you do deserve better than what I put you through.
The door opens and Mingyu is there, in a button down, looking confused.
“Wonwoo?”
Mingyu, I love you. And I loved you for a long time, I think. But I was afraid. So afraid at first, to even fall, and then so afraid that you deserved better than me. Someone who wouldn’t abandon you randomly and then crawl back because I needed you, I needed the way you made me feel, and I don’t even mean during sex (even if it’s pretty fucking amazing). You made me feel safe. You made me feel okay with vulnerability. I fucking cried around you, on like, our first date thing. When we went to the theater, and you’re not even into theater.
You make me feel better, you make me feel like I’m in heaven, you make me feel loved, and cared for, and cared about. When we were in Japan, and you said all those things, I knew you meant it, and anytime anyone else said anything like that to me I couldn’t believe them. I couldn’t believe that they saw anything more than a sorry excuse for a stupid man who couldn’t love.
Wonwoo holds the flowers out to Mingyu, in offering.
“I know you have Saturdays off. I thought maybe we could go out to dinner tonight. I want to- to talk to you about something,” Wonwoo says, voice dropping to something more quiet, more nervous.
“Oh… I- I’m kind of busy tonight, Wonwoo…” Mingyu says, his own voice dropping quieter, and he looks away from Wonwoo’s eyes, like he’s ashamed .
Remember the night I stayed at your house after I threw up? I freaked out. I freaked out because I thought I was losing you, because I saw that phone number on your mirror, and the used condoms, and- this isn’t anything against you. You were right, we weren’t together, you’re a grown man, you have needs, and wants. And then the night I came over to plan the trip, and you had Kihyun over, and I just felt like shit. And I’m not guilting you, that’s not the point of this. But I was angry, with you, and myself, but mostly myself. Because I was letting you get away, and I didn’t want that, I couldn’t lose you, and by then I was in too deep with you to just cut it off, like I tried so hard to do.
I had nightmares for a straight week before we went to Japan. You’d slam the door in my face and tell me to get lost, because you didn’t love me like I loved you. Because I wasn’t good enough. Because I was afraid. Afraid to lose you, afraid to be in love with you, afraid that I wasn’t good enough.
And then Wonwoo hears him.
“Gyu? Who’s that?”
Kihyun.
Wonwoo’s heart drops through the floor. “Oh.”
Mingyu scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, I- look, Wonwoo…”
“No, no, I get it,” Wonwoo nods, blinking back the tears stinging at his eyes.
“You just- You can’t expect me to wait around for you forever Wonwoo… You’ve hardly spoken to me since Japan, and- and you told me all that stuff about being emotionally unavailable, and not being able to love, and being hurt, still. And I loved you, Wonwoo. I love you so fucking deeply it hurts, but- I can’t wait anymore, I can’t keep pining after you when you just- you aren’t available. It fucking hurts me, Wonwoo. And I know that you need time, or whatever, but Wonwoo, I don’t know when you’ll be ready. You don’t know when you’ll be ready. Maybe I’m a dick for it, but- I’m trying to move on.
“I’m trying to stop feeling so heartbroken everytime I think about you, I need to stop thinking about how much it hurts that I don’t know if you’ll ever love me back, in the way I love you, or if you’re just with me to move past whatever hurt you’re feeling, and it hurts because I don’t know. I don’t know anything, I don’t know how you feel, or why you act like you love me and then don’t say it back,” Mingyu shakes his head.
And I’m still afraid, Mingyu. But not when I’m with you. I know you, I know I can trust you. I know that you’ve seen me at my worst, I know that you’ve seen me at my best, that you’ve seen me in a light that nobody in my life has ever seen me before. I know that you’ll help me, that you’ll love me unconditionally no matter what I go through, even if I put you through hell. I know you’ll be by my side. And I want you by my side.
I’m afraid, but I want to take this chance. I want to jump down the hole of love. I want to be with you, I want to love you for the rest of my life, if you’ll have it, but that’s a conversation for another time. This is me telling you what I’ve wanted to tell you for so long now, but only found the courage to now.
“Oh…” Wonwoo blinks, feeling his heart break.
“I can’t do this anymore, Wonwoo. I can’t play these games, because it hurts too much. Please, Wonwoo. Just go. I’d love to be friends, but- but I need time, to stop feeling in love with you.”
I love you.
Wonwoo opens his mouth to say something, but no words come out. Kihyun is at Mingyu’s side now, and Wonwoo has a glimpse of the room behind them, a table with candles and homemade dinner, and wine glasses.
Wonwoo can only nod.
Mingyu stands there looking at him, waiting for him to say something, or maybe waiting to go. “Okay,” Wonwoo whispers. “These- these are for you. I- I don’t know what you want to do with them. You can- you can throw them out if you want, I just- I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I love you, Kim Mingyu.
I love you more than anyone in the world, more than anything in the universe.
I want to give you the stars, and the moon, and the sun and the trees, and the mountains. I want to live my life with you, I want to feel brave with you, I want to stop being afraid with you. I want you.
Wonwoo thrusts the flowers into his arms, and turns on his heels and walks down the hall until he’s out of sight. And then he runs. He forgoes the elevator, and stumbles down the stairs and out the door, not knowing where he’s going. He doesn’t even think about his car, parked outside Mingyu’s building, or the fact that it’s raining, or any sensible thing. He just runs.
.
I love you.
He runs onto the street, into the rain, running blindly, his chest heaving, just wanting to get as far as he can from Mingyu, from where he left his heart, the one he’d opened, the one he’d given to Mingyu. The one he doesn’t want back, because Mingyu deserves it. He deserves love, he deserves the best parts of Wonwoo, the parts that care and love and want, and are brave, and happy, and carefree, and soft and tender, and-
Wonwoo can’t breathe, he can’t stop crying, and he can’t breathe.
Wonwoo was lost, with the darkest parts of his mind, in the darkest part of the city, in the dark of the night, with the pouring rain over his head and in his chest, where his heart should be. He collapses to his knees and crawls up against the side of the building, his clothes soaked with rain, and he sobs, hiccuping for air, and none of it coming to him. His throat is tight, and he claws at his hair, plastered to his forehead. He leans heavily against it, sobbing into his knees. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket.
With shaking hands, he pulls it out, and sees it’s Soonyoung.
How’d it go, Wonu boy?
Wonwoo hits the call button.
“Wonwoo? I wasn’t really expecting you to call us and give us the details but-”
Wonwoo can only let out a strangled sound, something like a choking sob and a cry for air, for the pain in his chest to go away.
“Oh my god, Wonwoo- are you having an anxiety attack? Hey, hey, just breathe, okay? Take the deep breaths. What are you so worked up about? It’s just Mingyu, he- oh. Oh, Wonwoo…” Soonyoung seems to get it. “I need you to breathe, okay Wonwoo? In for 5, remember? 1, 2, 3…” He can hear Soonyoung telling Jihoon to wake up, that they need to go help Wonwoo. How long had Wonwoo ran for? How long had he been crying for?
“Are you at home? Is that the rain? Wonwoo you’re gonna ruin your phone, where are you?” Soonyoung sounds panicked now, asking too many questions and making Wonwoo’s head swim with too many thoughts and he just sobs again. He can hear some shuffling and Jihoon has the phone now, instructing him to just breathe , to breathe in with his counting and then exhale. The first three or four breaths are still choppy and full of snot and tears, but eventually he’s not choking on his cries, and Jihoon asks where he is.
“Dunno,” is all Wonwoo can make out. He can hear static, the pouring rain making his phone slippery after this long and quite possibly ruining it.
“Can you turn your phone on and send me your location? It’s a torrential rain, Wonwoo, you’re lucky your phone has been alive this long, bub.”
Wonwoo does it on autopilot, feeling his chest ache, feeling emptiness where his heart had finally been found again, that dark feeling back and seeping into his bones once again. His phone blacks out shortly after he sends his location, and Wonwoo just sits there against the building, phone dead and gone in his hand, so he sets it aside on the wet sidewalk and hugs his knees to his chest.
When Soonyoung and Jihoon arrive, the car is hardly stopped before Jihoon is throwing the passenger door open and running over to him, grabbing him in his arms, not caring about how wet he is. Soonyoung hurries over, fumbling with an umbrella and a wad of towels.
“Jeon Wonwoo, don’t you fucking scare me like that again!” Jihoon scolds, but he wraps him in a warm dry towel and a hug, holding him close to his chest. Wonwoo starts to cry again, a sob breaking past his lips.
“He loves me, Jihoon, but- but he doesn’t want me… He doesn’t want me anymore,” Wonwoo manages to get out, sobbing into Jihoon’s shoulder, grabbing desperately at a fistful of t-shirt.
“Soon, help me get him up and into the car, please.” Jihoon murmurs, and he feels Soonyoung help the two of them up. Wonwoo’s legs wobble like a newborn deer’s, but they make it across the sidewalk and into the backseat of the car, and head back to Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment. They dry him off and shove him into some dry pajamas, and tuck him into the spare bedroom.
Wonwoo lives the next four days in their spare room, on autopilot. Jihoon calls Seungkwan and tells him Wonwoo is going to be out, and to inform the higher ups, blaming it on a serious cold he caught on the plane or something. Soonyoung checks in regularly, but Wonwoo doesn’t move. He doesn’t react for the first two days, aside from when Jihoon steps in and he’s forced to sit up and have a glass of water. And then Wonwoo promptly shuts down again. It’s hell. It’s like drowning, and it’s somewhere he’s been before, somewhere he never wanted to come back to.
The third night, Jihoon comes in and lays with him, wedging himself into Wonwoo’s arms, and Wonwoo just lays with his head on Jihoon’s chest. Soonyoung joins soon after, smelling like toothpaste and coconut shampoo, and he lays on the other side of Wonwoo, wrapping him in a hug.
And they lay like that for a while. Wonwoo speaks eventually, when Soonyoung’s quiet snores meet his ears. “Jihoon?” Wonwoo whispers.
“Yeah Wonu?”
“I get it. I get why Mingyu… didn’t want me,” Wonwoo’s voice is barely there, and Jihoon tries to interject. “Who could? I’m fucked up. And as hard as I tried not to be, I was. And I couldn’t be not fucked up, despite how hard I tried. I’m a monster. I eat up love, when I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve someone like Mingyu. I was right. How can anyone love me, when I don’t love me? When I can’t figure out what I want? When I’m greedy, and selfish, and I-”
Wonwoo’s voice cracks, and Jihoon sighs, holding his head close to his chest, and petting his hair.
“I just want him to know I’m sorry. I wish he knew how much I love him,” Wonwoo manages to whisper, sniffling as tears roll down his cheeks.
Wonwoo goes home on the fifth day, but doesn’t go into work yet. He cleans his apartment. He throws out the bad food in his fridge, and he goes grocery shopping. He passes by the fresh produce, only picking out a tossed salad and the peppers he puts in his omelettes. He gets a carton of eggs, and some bread, and then he goes to the canned aisle, and he picks out four cans of soup, and then he goes to the instant meal aisle, and grabs some frozen dinners, and instant ramen.
And then he goes back home, and makes a frozen dinner for lunch, and it all just tastes like gray to him. He hardly eats any of it, before he climbs into bed and stares at the wall. He doesn’t really know what he’s staring at, and he doesn’t think about anything, except the hole in his chest again. He doesn’t know how long he stares, he just knows that when his eyes fall on the chair in the corner, with the dog from Up in it, he blinks, and his eyes are watering and bleary, and he knows what he has to do.
He shuffles to the spare bedroom down the hall and pulls out an empty storage bin, and drags it to his room. And he gets a label out of his desk drawer and writes ‘ Mingyu’ in his neat writing. Wonwoo opens his drawers and pulls out the shirt of Mingyu’s he has, and sets it in first, and then followed by the dog from up, and the photobooth photos. Wonwoo tucks it all away, every memory, every item that screams Mingyu. And then he drags it back to the spare bedroom and tucks it in the closet, to be faced in years when he moves, or maybe when the emptiness in his chest hurts any less.
Wonwoo stares at his bedroom door, and opts instead to go to the living room. He rents Up, the movie that Mingyu told him about, and wraps himself in the throw on the couch, and sobs while he watches the movie. Wonwoo is the old man. Mingyu is somewhere between the kid, the dog, and Kevin, the bird, but it doesn’t matter which, because they made the old man happy again, they made the old man less grumpy, they changed the old man. And Mingyu did that for Wonwoo.
But now Mingyu was gone, and Wonwoo could feel himself slipping back into the person he used to be, the person he hated, the person he never wanted to be, and thought he never would be again, just two weeks ago. Everything changes, but Wonwoo was meant to stay the same.
Wonwoo starts working again on the sixth day. Maybe it’s stupid to start working on a Friday, but Wonwoo needs it. He needs something to throw himself into, so he can’t think about it. He goes to the gym after work, going so far as to going to the gym on the other side of the city, just in case Mingyu is there, like he was all those months ago. He runs, he runs until his lungs burn and his legs feel like noodles underneath him, and then he showers in scalding water, and goes home to have a shitty microwave dinner, and then he collapses into bed at 8:30.
Soonyoung and Jihoon’s wedding is next weekend, one week from today, and today is one week after Mingyu told him he didn’t want him anymore. Wonwoo drags himself from bed and goes to Jihoon and Soonyoung’s apartment, to help finalize the wedding plans. They dance around the subject of Mingyu, just like they did with Minghao, and they’re light on the whole subject of weddings. Wonwoo tells them that it’s fine, he’ll be fine, and then they discuss when they should go in to put the placeholders in, the ones that they had made while Wonwoo was in Japan, the ones that arranged seating for the tables, and seating at the wedding, they slip the one they’d made, reading Kim Mingyu in Soonyoung’s practiced calligraphy (a strange hobby he’d picked up a few years back) into the trash.
“Wait, no,” Wonwoo says weakly, picking it back up out of the little office bin. “Can we- can we leave a seat open? For him?” Wonwoo’s voice is barely a whisper.
“Wonu…” Jihoon tries tenderly.
“I know- I know he won’t be there, and I know it will look weird to have- to have an empty seat in the group, but you could maybe put it on the edge, or something. Just- just in case. In case he read my letter, or- or opened the invitation…” Wonwoo feels that cavity in his chest opening back up, threatening to swallow him. The lump in his throat is back again, and his eyes are watering with tears threatening to spill.
“Wonu, I don’t know that it’s a good idea for your head…” Soonyoung’s voice is gentle, but his words were not the right ones. “I think if he read it, he would have tried to contact you by now, Woo…”
Wonwoo starts crying again, and Jihoon swats Soonyoung’s arm harshly, before wrapping Wonwoo in his arms. “Woo, come on, bud, stop crying… It’ll be okay, we’ll set a chair out for him, okay?” Jihoon says softly, trying to calm Wonwoo down.
Wonwoo stops crying eventually, but he makes no effort to move from Jihoon’s arms. “I wish I wasn’t so afraid… I wish- I wish I didn’t let him get away…”
“I know, bud. I know. But you’ll be okay again, eventually. And Mingyu won’t make you hurt like Minghao, after a while.”
“But that took so long, Jihoon… I don’t want to be like that again, I don’t want to be that- that person again, I don’t want to feel this way anymore… Like I’ll never be good enough, like I’ll never- never find someone like- like how you have Soonyoung, or how Seokmin has Chan... I won’t get that, I’ll never- I’ll never be normal…” Wonwoo sniffles, his head on Jihoon’s shoulder.
“You will, Woo. I know you will,” Jihoon says softly. Wonwoo doubts that.
Wonwoo’s week is work, Disney movies, and hardly moving from the couch. And then the wedding is rolling around, the rehearsal dinner on Friday night, and being up early the next day to help Soonyoung and Jihoon get ready. He himself doesn’t need to do much, other than shower and tame his usual curls back into a slicked back look, none of which will need more than 20 minutes. Wonwoo is dreading this. Not so much the wedding, or the merriment and joy of two lovers uniting as one for the rest of their lives.
It’s the functioning part of the day. The pretending he doesn’t want to be at home wallowing in sadness, the smiling for photos and trying to make the smile genuine, the talking to Soonyoung and Jihoon’s relatives and pretending he knows each and every person, and acting interested in their lives. It’s the functioning that Wonwoo is dreading. And the impending loneliness that will ensue when Seokmin and Chan fly back to New York in two days, and Jihoon and Soonyoung leave for their honeymoon tomorrow.
Wonwoo doesn’t want to do any of it. But he does, because god dammit, he’s been the flakiest, stupidest, World’s Worst Best Man for the entirety of planning this wedding, and he’d be there for them, like they’ve been for him. So he does, he throws himself into it like he would work or his running, like nothing else in the world matters except this one event. He trucks through it like a runaway semi, unstoppable and unthinking.
He stands in the bathroom and stares as Soonyoung styles his hair, huffing angrily when he can’t seem to get it to work. So Wonwoo fixes it, styling it smoothly like he would his own, but giving it a little more loose and relaxed feel, more fitting to Soonyoung’s style. He straightens Soonyoung’s tie and pats his shoulders, handing him his pocket square and accepting the rings from him, the ones that Soonyoung’s nephew would march down the aisle with him, set atop the tiny velvet pillow.
Wonwoo checks on Jihoon to see his getting ready is going smoothly, he’s adding the faintest smudge of eyeliner around his eyes, and beaming at Wonwoo with a blush on his cheeks that can only come from pure happiness . He radiates giddiness and excitement, and Wonwoo remembers feeling the same way. It’s a fond memory, if not bittersweet, the memories of him getting ready on his wedding day. He was excited for it all, he felt ambitious and was looking towards the future with his to-be husband, and he knows Jihoon is feeling the same way. Like he could do anything, so long as Soonyoung was there with him.
They climb into two cars (Jihoon and Soonyoung were being all traditional) and head to the venue, the rest of the wedding party arriving at about the same time as them. Jihoon had Seokmin and Chan for two of his groomsmen, as well as his best friend since childhood, Yoojung, and technically Wonwoo was the best man for both of them. Soonyoung had his sister in his wedding party, and her husband and one of his old friends, Jinyoung in the party. The flower girl and the ring bearer are next, both of which are Soonyoung’s niece and nephew, and Jihoon’s parents are there to walk him ‘down the aisle’ or whatnot, and they head into separate quarters to wait for the guests to arrive.
Wonwoo snacks nervously on the little cheese and cracker platters that were provided in the room, trying to push down the feeling he had all those years ago at his own wedding, the nerves that turned to hurt and years of self loathing. He shoves those feelings down and bottles them up, to ignore for tomorrow or whenever he could continue to wallow in self pity. This was about Jihoon and Soonyoung. Not him.
So he went back and forth between rooms, getting acquainted with the rest of the party that he didn’t really know, learning their names and jobs, and beaming like everything was fine in his life. After almost an hour of this, Jihoon tugs Wonwoo aside, hissing quietly.
“Wonwoo, are you alright?”
“I’m fine. Never been better. What could possibly make you think otherwise?” Wonwoo asks incredulously.
“You’ve got this terrifying, nervous energy around you. Like, weird, strange clown vibes or something. I don’t know how to explain it. Like ‘hello, I radiate sunshine and rainbows and my life is just fine and dandy’ when we all know you’re-”
“I’m being fine, Jihoon. I don’t know how else to be right now. Especially because I’m focusing really hard on making this not about me, and you asking me questions is not helping this effort.”
“Alright. I’m just checking in. Please, I mean it, if you need anything at all, let me know.” Jihoon pats his shoulder reassuringly.
And Wonwoo continues pretending to be ‘OKAY’ because that’s all he can do, besides push the feelings down, and ignore the empty chair from the rehearsal that’s haunting his mind. He throws himself in his groomsmen duties, and when the music starts, he walks out confidently, looking elegant and carrying through the ceremony, standing stoically by Soonyoung’s side as the wedding procession comes through, watching everyone walk through, and smiling with Genuine Fondness when Soonyoung’s niece and nephew skip through, looking absolutely adorable.
And then the crowd is rising for Jihoon, and that’s when Wonwoo sees him.
Where an empty chair should be, with Kim Mingyu written in looping, golden calligraphy, he stands, a head taller than half the attendees to the wedding. Kim. Mingyu.
Wonwoo doesn’t know if he wants to faint or cry or jump for joy. He forces himself to look away from Mingyu, and watch Jihoon glide down the aisle and take his spot across from Soonyoung, hand in hand. The priest reads their rites, the ones about sickness and health, for better or for worse, and they’re looking at one another like they hold the universe, and it’s beautiful, like a form of art that can never truly be painted out or put into real words, like a moment you have to see to believe.
It’s true love.
Wonwoo spares a glance over at Mingyu, who’s looking at the couple in awe and endearing. Soonyoung and Jihoon start on their vows, and Wonwoo listens to their words, they’re simple and sweet, and make several allusions to inside jokes they have, making the other laugh, and it’s beautiful and poetic and loving, just like love should be. Wonwoo looks back at Mingyu once again, and sees him tearing up at their words, and Wonwoo wishes he was beside Mingyu, squeezing his hand and crying with him over a beautiful wedding ceremony.
He’s broken out of his thoughts by the priest asking for the rings, which Wonwoo had taken from the ring bearer after he made it down the aisle, and steps forward to hand them to the pair at the altar, with a soft, genuine smile, and he knows its watery, but he’s got tears in his eyes for hundreds of reasons right now, and it makes Jihoon smile and laugh something breathily about Wonwoo being a baby.
Wonwoo steps back into his spot in line and Mingyu is staring at him. He offers him a half a smile, and there’s something incredibly sad about it, and Wonwoo bites his tongue and stares up at the ceiling to avoid the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.
Soonyoung and Jihoon kiss, and the attendees erupt in cheers, and Wonwoo himself claps. The wedding party leaves first, following the bride and groom, to do photos, and Wonwoo has a hard time tearing his eyes off Mingyu, hair slicked back and eyes watering, in a casual suit, looking handsome and sad.
Wonwoo has so many questions swirling around in his head, questions for Mingyu. Why had he shown up? Had he read the letter? He’d at least seen the invitation, but did he know how Wonwoo felt? Maybe Wonwoo would never know. Maybe he’d imagined Mingyu standing there by his empty chair. Maybe he was giving Wonwoo one last hurrah and then disappearing. He probably wouldn’t be at the reception, knowing Wonwoo’s luck.
The photos go by in a blur, and they’re done in less than an hour. Wonwoo throws himself into it, ignoring the questions and the potential Mingyu hallucination. Except when he sits down at the wedding party table, he spots Mingyu again, sitting at a table full of strangers, distantly related to Soonyoung or Jihoon in some way. Wonwoo swears he’s imagining it, because Mingyu looks distinctly un-Mingyu. He looks sad and bored, and lonely, and that’s not how Mingyu should look at all. He’s friendly and bright and happy. Maybe Wonwoo was imagining Mingyu, in his sick, fucked up mind.
The food comes out and Wonwoo tries so hard not to look at the table Mingyu is sitting at, he tries not to think about the length of time they’d have to wait for the food to be served and eaten, and the time taken up by the dances they’d have to sit through, and the cake cutting they’d have to endure before Wonwoo can speak to him again, for the first time in two weeks, before Wonwoo can find out if this is really his imagination or not.
“Wonwoo. Is that Mingyu?” Seokmin, who’s seated next to Wonwoo, whispers in his ear.
“I- I think it is. Oh god , you see him too right? This isn’t just my fucked up head making me imagine him. That’s- Mingyu…” Wonwoo doesn’t mean for it to come out so desperate, but it does, and Seokmin pats him on the back gently.
“It’ll be alright. He’s gotta be here for a reason, Woo.” Seokmin says quietly, trying to reassure him.
The wedding festivities pass in a blur, giving Wonwoo time to think, and worry, and get sad, and then get distracted, and then repeat the cycle all over again. Finally, finally , it’s just dance and drink time, and Wonwoo finds himself sliding around the edge of the room, trying to subtly make his way to Mingyu’s table.
Except when he starts on his journey, Mingyu isn’t at the table. Wonwoo looks around in confusion, frantically searching the crowd for Mingyu. He jumps about a mile when someone taps his shoulder, and he whirls around to see Mingyu standing there, a gentle smile on his face. “Hey. We- can we talk? Maybe not… not here?”
“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Wonwoo says, so they walk outside to the gardens outside and sit down on a bench, side by side, in the late evening sun. Wonwoo doesn’t know who should speak first, so he does. “I watched Up,” he blurts. Mingyu turns to look at him with a raised eyebrow.
“You- You were right. About everything. I’m the old man, and- and I’m ridiculous, and stupid and afraid, and I don’t let people in, ever. And you were right about- about not making you wait, I get why you moved on, I get why you didn’t want to wait any longer, I get it. I shouldn’t have made you wait like that, it was wrong, and I was scared, and I put you through so much more than I realized-”
“No, Wonwoo. I’m sorry. Please, stop saying I was right, because I wasn’t. Those were your ways of showing affection, of showing you loved me. And I shouldn’t have told you like that, I shouldn’t have hurt you like I did. Wonwoo I’m so sorry. I just- I was frustrated, because- for fucks sake, I said it, I know it was quiet but you didn’t regard it, at all, and it- it hurt. And it hurt when you told me you were trying to figure things out and you said you didn’t know if you’d ever be ready- shit, Wonwoo, I cried that night, after you fell asleep…”
“No, Mingyu, I should apologize, I didn’t realize- I mean I knew how you felt, I knew that you- you cared, obviously, and I should have been more thoughtful of how- how it was probably a lot stronger than a friendship sort of love- because I mean- we went on dates , and we had sex , but you still cared a hell of a lot when I was crying, or when I had panic attacks, and- I’m sorry, it really probably felt a hell of a lot like I was leading you on, and I never meant that, but I’m selfish and horrible and I kept pushing you away and pulling you back in, and it was- shit, it was fucking toxic, and you deserve so much better than I ever was or am. I’m sorry, Mingyu.”
Mingyu stares at him for a long while. At least it feels like a while, Wonwoo’s sure it’s only a minute at most, but it feels like a fucking eternity. Mingyu sighs and grabs Wonwoo, tugging him in for a hug.
“Wonwoo, you’re a hell of a lot better man than you were. I’m not going to lie to you, I wasn’t sure at first. Sure, I was fine with a hookup. You were a hot stranger in a bar- at my bar, even, and I rarely do that. Then there was the shower, and then- and that’s when it started getting weird, because you got shitfaced and then you invited me to your friend’s theater thing, and you were so stiff and awkward, and you didn’t tell me anything so I thought it was weird that you were trying to do this with me, and I kind of thought you were going to psycho murder me or something. And then I decided to take a chance, because, hey, glass half full kind of guy, he’s sort of funny and maybe he’s just having a tough time, y’know?”
“You thought I was a psycho murderer?” Wonwoo laughs. Laughing is better than crying right now, Wonwoo is pretty sure, because Mingyu isn’t finished with his story and he’s at his best friend’s wedding, and this isn’t about him. It’s about hearing what Mingyu has to say.
“Yes, actually. It’s kind of hilarious. Ask Jooheon, he suffered the worst of all my ranting and raving. So I gave it a shot, and then you had that panic attack and I knew you were a very, very damaged man. In some way. And I wanted to know why, I wanted to know how I could help, because fuck, even if you were a psycho murderer, you’re a human being and you deserve help and support. And you hinted all this time at someone who hurt you, very badly, and I- I don’t know, that kind of hurt me to think about.
“Then I ran into you at the grocery store that one night, and we had dinner together and holy shit, red wine really does make you a different man, but that was a whole other side of you I didn’t know, and I think that’s the moment I decided I liked you, at least as more than a hot piece of flat ass.”
Wonwoo snorts at that comment, despite the fact that tears are threatening to fall down his cheeks. “Rude, I’m sorry I’m such a twig,” Wonwoo’s laugh is watery and he’s clinging to Mingyu now, like he’s his only lifeline. “You mean- you thought I was a psycho murderer and you still tried to take a chance on me? Mingyu, this is what I mean when I say-”
“Don’t you dare say that I deserve someone better than you, Jeon Wonwoo. Because you are a wonderful man, even if you kind of give off weird dark vibes before you get a chance to really open up to someone. Sure, you pushed me away and then pulled me back in and confused the hell out of me and kinda broke my fucking heart, but I knew that when I signed up, that this would be one hell of a rollercoaster ride, because you were hurting . You were grieving the old you, you were grieving your loss of love, and you were in a bad place. And despite our strange come and go thing, you’ve grown so damn much . You’re happier, you’re more open, and you’ve told me so much , and I know you, and what you’re like, and what makes you tick.
“And I love it, Wonwoo. I love the man you’ve become, I love seeing that you’ve grown, I love spending time with you, and I love being able to grow with you. And that’s why I’m sorry I didn’t wait. I knew that you were taking big steps, by- by inviting me to Japan with you, by letting me in and spending more time with me, and being your only hookup, or whatever, by becoming friends with me. And I was immature, and I slept with other people, because I was impatient. And I was cold towards you because you kept ditching me and not telling me where you were going and I cared so damn much about you that I couldn’t just let it go, and be happy you were brave enough to come back.
“I know that this is a huge leap for you, Wonwoo, and I was a jackass and I couldn’t wait. And for that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Wonwoo.”
Wonwoo is crying quietly into the shoulder of Mingyu’s button down, evidently ruining any hope of him keeping it together. “I’m sorry too… I- I hurt you, Mingyu. I understand why you were cold, you had every right to be. I’m sorry that I handled things the way I did… I just- I know now, that I’ve grown and that- that I don’t have to be afraid, that I deserve- I deserve love… I just- I would have turned me down too, after all I put you through, when I showed up on your freaking doorstep like a fool. You had every right to, and I never for a second blamed you for it. I deserved every moment of hurt that it caused, because I’d done the same to you plenty of times. And I am sorry.”
“God, Wonwoo, I don’t think I can hear another ‘I’m sorry’ from either of us, the word is starting to sound weird and we need to stop being so… well, sorry,” Mingyu laughs, and Wonwoo can tell he’s crying, so Wonwoo holds him tight, tighter than he’s ever held on to anyone or anything. He’s not going to let Mingyu go again, he can’t. He can’t lose this.
“Can we move past it? Past all of it? All the bad, I mean. I- I liked the good, and I know the good always comes with bad, but, I want to move on. I want to keep growing with you, Wonwoo.”
Wonwoo gasps out a yes through his tears, and clings tighter to Mingyu. “Of course we can keep growing together. I would love nothing more than to grow with you.”
And so the two of them stand there, hugging each other like they hold the world in their arms, until each is done crying. And then they still stand there in one another’s arms, listening to the music in the other room, and enjoying the stillness of this one. “Can I ask you some questions?” Wonwoo asks quietly.
“Yes, of course.” Mingyu says.
“Why didn’t you get to me sooner? I just- I hurt, a lot in those weeks without you and I- I just want to know… Why now?”
Mingyu chuckles, and it’s almost bitter. “I know. I- I needed time to wallow in my own self loathing, I guess. Again, I’m still immature about things I suppose, but… I just needed time to think about it all. Process your feelings, process my own feelings, continue to try and be stubborn and get over you, worry about when the best time to try and contact you was. I saw the invitation and I guess that was a sign for me, about when I should talk to you.”
“So then… the letter.”
“Yes, I read it. And I cried like a fucking baby, Wonwoo.”
Wonwoo nods, his head still on Mingyu’s shoulder. “That’s all my questions for now. Want to go clean our faces up in the bathroom and then go dance?”
“I’d love to.”
The night draws to a close, and it’s full of laughter between the two of them, dancing and chatting with Wonwoo’s friends, and finally the night ends and the two of them are headed out, Wonwoo pleading with Mingyu to sleep over. Wonwoo had used his own remarkable set of big watery puppy eyes and claims that he needs two weeks of cuddles as compensation for the weeks he missed out on with Mingyu. Mingyu told him that ‘soft was a good look on him, if only it weren’t just because the champagne was talking,’ to which they had both laughed and stumbled through Wonwoo’s door and shucked their suits off on the way to the bedroom and collapsed in bed.
“Mingyu?” Wonwoo asks after a while of them laying in the dark.
“Yeah, Wonu?” Mingyu asks quietly.
“Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”
There’s a pause, and then a laugh, a real, beautiful, strong belly laugh, a laugh that only Kim Mingyu laughs. A laugh Wonwoo can truly say he wants to spend the rest of his life hearing. “Of course, you doofus. Fuck , I love you.” Mingyu says, rolling on top of Wonwoo to give him a kiss. Wonwoo laughs too, his grin breaking their kiss.
“I love you too.”