Chapter Text
"Ren," said General Hux while Kylo Ren was trying to eat his dinner in peace, "I heard something that might be of interest to you."
"Nothing you say has ever been of interest to me, General."
Hux stood in the doorway with the kind of superior smirk that said he was up to something. A pair of standard-issue stun cuffs, for some reason, dangled from his hand like a string toy. "It's about Darth Vader."
Kylo frowned and looked up from his synthetic protein gel. Hux wasn't interested in Darth Vader the way Kylo was. Like every self-respecting person in the First Order, he enjoyed hearing about the Empire's glory days, but he had never had much patience for its mystical side. His eyes often visibly glazed over during Kylo and Snoke's spiritual discussions. Even though the Empire and First Order were ruled by the wielders of the Dark Side, Hux preferred to research the more mundane luminaries of Imperial history. The men who had built the weapons, commanded the armies, and so on.
Kylo found it hard to believe that Hux, in the process of researching such men, could have stumbled across anything about Darth Vader that Kylo didn't know. Kylo had already obsessively tracked down all the artifacts of Vader's that he could. He regularly studied and communed with them. He and Snoke had deep conversations about Vader's legacy and what it meant to be his heir. Sometimes Kylo heard Vader's voice in his head, or even saw him in visions. Kylo's family had tried to hide from him that he was Vader's grandson, but once the news reached him, he'd more than made up for lost time.
It was much more likely, given the look on Hux's face, that this was a trap.
"What could you possibly have learned about Darth Vader," said Kylo, "that you think I don't know?"
"Well, the topic came up when I was talking to General Pryde. Your method of consulting approved sources leaves a few things out, I think. Some details, you only hear when you come out of your room and mingle with people who were there at the time. Or were you already aware of the rumors about Vader's love life?"
Kylo dropped his spoon to the table with a clatter and pushed back his chair.
"He had none," Kylo snapped. "From the time of his fall to the end of his life, Darth Vader was a perfect vessel for the Dark Side, free of all weaknesses, conflicts, or attachments. Any man who suggests otherwise is either sowing suspicion for his own purposes or jealous."
Hux raised an eyebrow. "Then how do you suggest he made Luke Skywalker and your mother?"
Kylo had taken off his helmet to eat, and that meant it was visible when his face turned red. He hastily pulled the helmet back on, and his voice took on its deeper modulated tone. "They were conceived when he was still a Jedi. When he fell to the Dark Side, he left behind all such weaknesses."
"How would you even know? You weren't there."
Kylo had learned that if he said because he is a voice in my head and he said so, people looked at him funny. He was sullenly silent as he tried to figure out a different answer, or, failing that, some sufficiently cutting remark that would make Hux go away.
"Pryde heard a lot about this topic in his day," Hux continued. "It was common knowledge that Vader was openly in a carnal relationship with one of the foremost Imperial moffs. Not that you'd know who those are. It got to the point where people would complain because their affair was affecting military resources, fleet operations, and government operational schedules. And Vader was known to have other lovers as well. Think of our hotshot TIE pilots, like Major Baron Vonreg, and the way women flock to them. It was like that, in certain specialized circles. But that's not the best part."
Kylo grabbed the nearest thing at hand, which was the chair next to his own. He would throw it if necessary. "Pryde has fed you lies and you are too stupid to tell them from the truth. My grandfather would never have engaged in such decadence. If anyone had been foolish enough to ask for a carnal relationship with Darth Vader, he would simply have killed them."
Both Snoke and Vader had been very clear on this point. Attachments were anathema to the Force. The one personal attachment Darth Vader had ever allowed himself was a desire to befriend his own son, and that seemingly innocent attachment had cost everything. If Kylo Ren was to continue Vader's legacy, he could not make the same mistakes.
Hux scratched his nose with the hand that was holding the shock cuffs. "I think you're just jealous that women don't flock to you that way."
"That is ridiculous."
His face below the mask burned more than ever. Actually, Hux was wrong; plenty of women liked Kylo Ren that way. He'd never done anything about it but he'd noticed. Sensing emotions through the Force could be awkward that way. All the people who felt such feelings were fools, fundamentally misunderstanding his nature. The only correct way to appreciate a Dark Lord was to fear him.
Besides, attachments were dangerous.
Hux leaned forward. "I note you haven't thrown me out yet. And you haven't asked about the best part."
Kylo's grip on the back of the chair tightened, cracking the metal. "If it will remove you from my hair for the day, General, what exactly is this best part?"
"Well, you're aware of the nature of Lord Vader's injuries."
"Of course I'm aware," Kylo snapped. If Hux didn't get to the point he might throw this chair after all.
"He couldn't take off that famous armor, because it was also life support. So he couldn't have sex in the normal way. According to the rumors, Vader's interests lay in... alternative styles."
For a moment Kylo froze between the urge to choke Hux to death for speaking so freely about Darth Vader's anatomy, and the fact that he actually had no idea what Hux was talking about. He was contradicting himself now, wasn't he? Someone couldn't both have a carnal relationship and be incapable of sex. Kylo wasn't even sure what the word alternative was supposed to...
Oh.
The restraints dangling from Hux's outstretched fingers suddenly made sense.
"That's not a real thing," Kylo objected. "That's a thing people do in porn vids, that's not a thing people actually do."
"What rock did you grow up under, Ren?" Hux demanded. "Was there nothing under it but black robes and platitudes about the Dark Side? Of course it's a thing people do. And I'm sure using the Force helped, somehow."
"Get out," said Kylo.
Hux raised the pair of shock cuffs invitingly. "Haven't you ever wanted to try it? A little discipline might do you good, Ren."
Kylo threw the chair at him.
Hux was at least marginally combat trained. He dodged backwards, throwing out an arm to protect his head; the chair crashed against his forearm. Both chair and cuffs clattered to the floor. Like the pest he was, Hux proceeded to scuttle out of the room.
"It's no wonder women don't flock to you if that's your attitude," he called as the door closed behind him.
Kylo looked down. Hux propositioning him, as a joke or otherwise, was clearly unacceptable. Maybe he should tell Snoke. But it was even odds what Snoke would do: punish Hux for the breach of boundaries, punish Kylo for not dealing with it more effectively, or simply laugh at them both. Snoke liked when Kylo was unhappy. That was a necessary part of Dark Side training.
Waving shock cuffs in Kylo's face was ridiculous anyway. What was he supposed to do with them? Kylo had never needed to slap prisoners into physical restraints; if he wanted restraint, he could simply grab an opponent with the Force and...
Oh. Oh, no, now he was picturing it.
He was definitely not telling Snoke.
Kylo turned toward the door. "You're a liar!" he shouted, even though Hux would be out of earshot by now. "You're seditious against our Imperial Founding Fathers and a liar!" He sent another chair uselessly crashing in that direction for good measure.
It did not make him feel any better. He pulled off his helmet, set it with a thunk down on the table, and took an angry bite of his protein gel, which had gone cold. He chewed and swallowed anyway, growling to himself.
He left the shock cuffs where they were on the floor.