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Stupid Traditions!

Chapter 3: III: AKA Santa's improbable helper

Summary:

The funniest chapter ... and probably even the most romantic one? ;)

Notes:

still without a beta, I apologize for my bad English :/

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

stupid-traditions


Chapter III: AKA Santa’s improbable helper

“If you’re done denigrating my cooking…” Jessica snorts, bothered, as she is clearing the table.

“I guess I’ll never be done denigrating your cooking!” Kevin strikes back, scornful, earning a glare by the brunette.
She abruptly takes his plate, pretending to be clumsy and almost pouring the leftover upon him.
“Watch your mouth, you could also denigrate my waitress skills!” she gets the last word in that little verbal battle of theirs.

Kevin leaves the table, maybe to avoid Jessica’s other trickeries, maybe to help her to clear the table.
She’s rather amazed when she see him taking a bowl to the washbasin.
“Huh, no, leave it to me, don’t worry, I swear I won’t blow your dishwasher up!” She jokes.
“Uhm, I don’t know, you’re way too kind with me…” He grows suspicious. “You’re planning something!”
“Oh, you bet I am! I’ll allow you an hour of rest, then you’ll have one more task.” She announces to him, before he leaves that room, devoured by curiosity… and anxiety, too, knowing her.

- Bloody hell, what have I gotten myself into? -

-------------------------------------------

“No, no, no , no and, for the last time, NO!” Killgrave lively protests as soon as Jessica draws out of a box an unmistakable red suit, a white wig and a fake white, long beard that match the sleeve edge, the pants edge of the suit and the hat edge.
“Don’t be a baby!” Jessica ignores his complaints, throwing at him that suit he hates so much. “I’ve tried to look for a purple one, but I couldn’t find it anywhere and there was no time to try to dye it.”
“It’s not a bloody matter of purple stuff!” He points out, still clearly disgusted.”It’s a matter of… oh, c’mon, I have a dignity!”
“Not today!” she strikes back, peremptory. “Besides, if you think about it, I’m even too good. I could have taken you to the Rockefeller Center, among tons of people, instead it will remain strictly confined inside a little park near my house. In the afternoon there will be plenty of families with their children.”

“You said children, didn’t you?” Killgrave retorts, grimacing so much he contorts his features.
“Oh, yes. Children who will be extremely happy to have a chat with Santa’s helper and thank him for the gifts they’ve received.” Jessica heralds, adamant. “And don’t you forget I have this.” She reminds him, showing him the sophisticated taser she still keeps in the pocket of her jumper. “So, don’t you try anything funny. I’m determined, and very very fast.” She subtly threatens him.
“I know, I know.” He snorts, giving in, as he starts to remove his belt and lower the zip of his trousers. “Well, you also must be very, very horny if you’re going to stay here, enjoying my striptease!” He makes his snide remarks and doesn’t miss his target.
And his target immediately blushes.
“I’ll be waiting for you at the front door, hurry up!” Jessica grumbles, leaving the room quickly.

Just the time of a pleasant walk and they reach Dewitt Clinton Park. They cross the gates that lead to the park, they pass under the arch-shaped red structure, skirting the fountain with the coloured frogs.
Among the leafless branches of all the trees along the path, the sunlight that filter through it creates an amazing play of lights, which reflects on the icy ground.
Wherever he’s watching, a Killgrave who’s wearing a very unusual outfit can only see families with their children all around.
The families are not so many, maybe six or seven ones, but it’s very rare that each one has an only child.
In conclusion: there are way too many children who are running towards Kevin, not caring if they could slip during their run.
Judging by the way he’s dressed, no wonder why they’re so attracted to him.

“Jessica; i don’t like being here. Please, let’s go away.” he grumbles, feeling awkward, as they’re sitting on a bench.
“I’ve never said you would like it.” The detective states, adamant.
“But this is not even one of the stupid traditions!” The charmer protests.
“Don’t you think I’m perfectly aware of that?” She sneers, even more evilly, before the most intrepid of the kids steps closer.

A curly kid, nothing more than six years old, with big, curious, hazel eyes.

“You’re Santa Claus!” He exclaims, excited, but then he scrutinizes him better. “No, wait, you can’t be him, you’re too skinny!” He rectifies, disappointed.

“Oh, look what brilliant detective we have here!” Kevin mutters, rolling his eyes. “Hey, Jess, why don’t you hire him in your agency?” He whispers at her, before turning to his little listener. “Yep, you’re right, I’m not Santa, so why should you ever waste your time with me?” He says, making an effort not to make it sound like a command.

However, Jessica is ready for her countermove.

“That’s right, kids, he’s not Santa Claus, but he’s one of his helpers! He was with Santa tonight when he brought all those gifts to you. C’mon, run here to thank him, you can even sit on his lap!” She urges the little crowd.
Before they assault him, Killgrave turns to Jessica mouthing the sentence ‘I will kill you.’
She bends over his ear.
“You love me too much to do that!” She whispers, checkmating him.

- Geez, this is so true! - He recognizes, before finding sitting on his lap just the first kid who talked with him.

A brave pioneer.

Jessica is a bundle of nerves, standing, on edge, ready for every of Killgrave’s unpredictable reactions, but there’s no need for her to intervene.

“So, what do you want, whelp?” Killgrave asks the kid, a little rudely.

The kid grins madly.

“You brought me the XBox and just the videogame I wanted, you rule, Santa’s helper, thank you!” he pats the man’s thigh, before jumping off.

It’s the turn of a little girl around four years old, with golden curly hair, who gracefully sits on Killgrave’s lap.


“Hi, Santa’s helper, I really, really loved the doll you brought to me, even the coloring book with the giant box of crayons and markers… but I had asked for a unicorn!” She murmurs, opening wide her blue eyes.

She is so sweet that, for a single moment, Kevin is almost tempted to go searching for a horse, paint him with non-toxic colours and stick and ice-cream-cone on the forehead of the animal, just to make that lovely little girl have her unicorn.
He reforms in time, still a little puzzled by what he felt.

“Maybe next year, little Lady, mm?” He grumbles, clumsy, filling her with happiness, before putting her down as delicately as possible.

One by one, all the kids approach Killgrave and more or less he seems to bear surprisingly well all those interactions that are far beyond the usual limit of human contact he can tolerate.
He doesn’t dare to say anything, not even when an overweight kid sits on his lap, putting a strain on his oh so puny legs.
Jessica can’t help but chuckling watching that whole scene.

“Hey, kid, don’t you want to say anything to Santa’s helper?” Jessica turns to a skinny child, with his back on her, all engrossed kicking the bark of a tree.
Not the most praiseworthy hobby.

The kid is around seven years old. He turns towards them, passing a hand through his messy brown hair and approaches to Killgrave, scrutinizing him with his big, dark brown prying eyes.
The kid looks very, very disappointed.

“That he’s an idiot! That’s what I want to say to him!” He growls, kicking his shin.
“Ouch!” Kevin snaps, but Jessica is already after him.

“I mean, you and you boss are blind, maybe or you don’t know how to read a letter properly, do you? I didn’t want the shitty train, I wanted the toy cars track! This Christmas sucks and it’s only your fault!” the child snaps.

Killgrave glares at him so much that the kid seems to feel a coming soon threat.

“Once you get home, you’ll play with the bloody train, because you have never received a more beautiful gift in all your short life. Now you can go, behave, stand still and silent until you leave!” he orders and, as it’s easy to figure out, the kid does exactly what he’s been told.

“Don’t you even dare to tell me anything! You know better than me I did nothing wrong and that bratty whelp was the bloody king of bloody tantrums!” Killgrave justifies, turning to Jessica.

She doesn’t take any measures because he’s right.

“After all, you’ve been the king of tantrums as well!” She makes him notice, before going on with the round of the kids who wants to approach Santa’s helper.

In half an hour they’re done and every kid had their turn. Jessica and Kevin are on their way to leave.

“Wait!” a woman runs towards them, making them stop.
“You had such a lovely idea to make the kids have fun. Usually you have to bear hours of rows in the trade centres for stuff like that, instead this way everything has been more spontaneous and beautiful.” The woman congrats.

 

She must be one of the young moms.

“We wanted to do something nice.”  Jessica cuts it short, but the woman seems to have eyes only for that oh so atypical Santa Claus.
“Excuse me, are you available also as baby-sitter? David has never been so quiet!” the woman explains, pointing at his son who happens to be just the brattiest one, even if now he’s as hyperactive as an amoeba.

Kevin stares at the woman among being insulted, amazed and bewildered but it’s Jessica to speak for him.

“Trust me, you don’t really want to do that. Anyway, tomorrow, by this time, your kid will be as bratty as always.” She explains. “No offence, I mean!”

“No offence, of course!” The mom laughs. “By the way, David is okay, isn’t he? I mean, he keeps standing still there, all alone, without even saying a word.” she grumbles, growing concerned.
“Huh? Nooo, don’t worry, he’s just playing the Quiet Game, Kevin is so talented making the kids playing it!” Jessica justifies him, when she actually would like to strangle him.
“It’s exactly how she said. Trust me, once you tell him you’re going home he’ll surely recover.” Killgrave reassures her, utterly certain of what he’s asserting.

“Oh, I’m sure you’re right.” She trusts him, indeed and then she turns to Jessica. “Your husband is fantastic, I can tell he’s got skill with children!”
“Ohhh, no, believes me, he’s not my husband, not at all!” Jessica points out, between awkward and huffy.
“Not yet.” Kevin smiles mellowly, taking off the fake beard, since the kids are not paying attention to him anymore.

“Oh, young lady, don’t let him get away. You’re such a lovely couple!” The woman beams at them.

“My dear, dear Madam, I have the feeling that you and I will get along very much.” Kevin practically grins. “If you want, I can come to your house for free, to handle your child… locking him in a clo… errr.. I mean, teaching him some discipline!”
“Well, I’m afraid this is not going to happen. We’d better go now, we still have so many things to do!” Jessica intervenes, dragging him away with her.

 

“I’m sorry, Madam, my soon-to-be wifey disagrees, maybe next time!” Kevin turns to the woman one last time.
“Call me ‘soon-to-be wifey’ once again and I swear I’ll stick the taser up to your ass!” Jessica growls as they leave.
“if you try do that in my bed it could even be interesting!” He catches her off-guard, tossing her a provocative look.
“Oh, shut the fuck up!” She rolls her eyes. “Anyway, what was that thing  about you locking kids in closets?” She frowns, growing suspicious.
“Huh, nothing. I wa just saying…” He shrugs, playing it cool.

On their way to Kevin’s house, in a window of a bar nearby, Jessica and Kevin notice two familiar faces.
“But those two are…” Kevin starts.
“Yep, it’s them, those jumpers can’t fool us.” The detective confirms.
“How can the still wear those awful things?” Kevin wonders, disgusted.
“I guess their jumpers is the last thing they’re thinking about.” Jessica chuckles, already figuring out what’s happening.

After all, Trish and Malcolm are so engrossed talking and looking at each other, as they’re holding their hot chocolates between their hands that they seem to ignore the rest of the world, including the two curios people outside who are spying on them.

“Let’s go, before they see us…” Kevin suggests. “Mostly before they see me, do I have to remind you how the hell I’m dressed?”

----------------------------------------

“You know, Kevin, I have to recognize that today you really behaved… although I dreaded the worst with tha bratty kid!” Jessica recaps, as she enjoys the last slice of pizza Kevin kindly allowed her to had.
For dinner, they have resorted to a pizza delivery that works even in that particular day.

“That’s what I’ve tried to tell you, more than once. If you had already improved me as a person when you almost left me to die, after the bus incident… that night at the dock has been even more cathartic.” He confesses, fidgeting with his pizza crust, before he finds the courage to look at her in the eyes. “If you don’t toy with my feelings, if you believe in me for real, Jessica, I can be a better man. I want to be a better man.”

She listens at him very carefully, but she prefers not to say anything, she also try to immediately change subject.

“It’s past nine p.m., what about ending the night with a movie? I’ll pick the one we’re going to watch.”

She walks towards her bag, where she draws out a certain DVD.
The cover is already a program in itself.

“This one, maybe it will help to put some Christmas cheer in you.” She decides, inserting the DVD in the player.

“More Christmas cheer?” Kevin complains, but he’s already sitting comfortably on the right side of his sofa.
“I’ll never put enough of it in you!” She strikes back, sitting on the left side and pressing ‘play’.

Many Christmas songs, surreal adventures and tons of good feelings later, the movie ends.

“That composer was so feared, respected, sophisticated, determined, he was in full control… I really don’t get it, how could that simpleton win? He lacks elegance, any kind decency…” Kevin shakes his head, disappointed, turning the TV off.

“Because villains never win, get this through your head!” Jessica sticks her tongue out at him, putting the DVD back to its case. “It’s almost eleven o'clock, I’d better go.” She mutters, gazing at her watch.

Kevin gets up, leaving the room, only to come back a few minutes later, holding a rectangular box, wrapped in an classy golden paper.

“Exactly. Christmas is not over yet, and you still have to receive my present.” He murmurs, handing the box to her.

A little bewildered, Jessica accepts it, starting to unwrap it.

“There’s something I didn’t tell you yet. When I asked Patsy to bring you there, that morning, well… it’s not the only order I gave to her.” The gorgeous persuader reveals.

“Another order?” Jessica got defensive.

- I knew it! Everything was just too good to be true. I wonder what that sadistic bastard is planning. At the very least, he’s going to make me fight against my best friend and there’s a fucking weapon in this box! - She panics but doesn’t show it.

 

“Do you remember when you were trying on every sort of cloth in the dressing room? Well, it’s me who forced her to involve you in that thing that seemed just an innocent and funny game… instead Patsy took pictures of every item you wore and she sent them to me. She kept sneaking pictures and you didn’t even notice that.” He goes on with his explanation.

- Well, it’s taking the long way around to inform me that I have to fight to death with my sister… - The detective frowns, deciding that she should just open the box.

“I was interested only in the evening dresses, but you would have grown too suspicious, so I mixed every type of dress, so no one would have stood out and I would have reached my goal. There was a particular dress and when you tried it on… wow, I figure out it was the right one.” He concludes.

Jessica lifts the lid of the box, finding something she perfectly recalls: a very elegant red dress, with a matched golden purse.
During that weird game with Trish, when she tried on that dress, she has looked at her reflection in the mirror, daydreaming of being on a red carpet. She looked fabulous in that, but the price tag of four numbers made it prohibitively expensive. Besides, she knew they were just playing.

But now she’s holding that beautiful red dress, long, with a little train, with very short sleeves, barely under the shoulders with extremely decent see-through effects on the decollete and legs.

“Oh my god, Kevin…” She remains speechless, scolding herself for the awful things she dared to think about him a few minutes before.

- Well, he doesn’t have to know about it. - She decides, while she keeps staring at the dress.

 

“That’s exactly the reaction I wanted from you.” He smiles. “Would you mind to try it on? So I can see it in person, not just in a picture.” He hazards, already expecting her rejection.

“Well, that is the least I can do for you.” She murmurs, leaving the room with the box.

Like every obsessed perfectionist, Kevin takes advantage of those few minutes to climb the ladder and fix the Christmas tree in the spots that didn’t convince him much.

When she’s back, he almost falls from the ladder.

He usually calls Jessica ‘a vision’ but in that oh so sophisticated dress, she is, for real.

Besides, there’s something different, something that missed in the picture Patricia sent to him.

“But… you’re smiling,” he murmurs, incredulous, going off the ladder in order to reach her. “I didn’t even ask you to do that… and you wouldn’t obey me anyway.”

“I’m smiling because I want to smile.” She reassures him, radiant. “Kevin, I didn't even give you a real present.” she grumbles some seconds after, feeling… remorse?

Killgrave steps even closer, taking her hands in his and oddly she doesn’t try to break free.

 

“You’re right. You cracked my door, you deprived me of my staff, you made me wear awful items, you humiliated me in every possible way, you made me have an horrible lunch, you put me in all the most awkward situations I can recall, you turned this day into a living nightmare… and yet this is the best Christmas of my life.” He murmurs, smiling at her in the sweetest way she has ever seen.

Jessica parts from him, in order to go change her dress.
She comes back in the living room, holding the box under her arm.
She’s still wearing that awful lare jumper that Killgrave hates, but, deep inside, he likes her even that way.

“You said I made you spent the best Christmas ever, didn’t you?” She rhetorically wonders, placing the box on the ground, in order to walk towards the box with the left decorations.

She draws out a purple garland and walks sinuously back to Kevin who is staring at her, bewitched.

“Let’s see if I can make it even better.” She winks, wrapping that garland around his neck, as if it was a scarf.

He doesn’t know what she is planning, until she pulls him by the edges of the garlands, taking him with her under the Christmas tree, just in the spot where the mistletoe is hanging above their heads.

“I thought you hated it!” Kevin teases her.
“And I still do; but, you know, I just have to follow every of these stupid traditions!” She chuckles, before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him for a little longer time than the tradition usually requests.
“Now I really have to go.” She says, gathering all her things and wearing her jacket.

“Jessica?” He calls her before she reaches the door.
“Yeah?”
“If you think about it, I have the pictures of what you wore that morning. All of them. I could blackmail you for ages!” He sneers.
“I’ve filmed you, the whole time you were with those kids, wearing the Santa Claus suit. Don’t start a war you’re already going to lose!” She checkmates him, making him laugh, before she leaves.

As he observes her from the window, Kevin has only a goal in his mind.

- Well, well, Jess, now let’s find the perfect occasion to make you wear that dress!-

 

THE END

Notes:

Well, actually there would be a third story, called “Stupid new year!” , but maybe I’ve already bothered you enough with my stuff and shouldn’t post it ^^’

Kudos and cookies for you if you figured out which movie they watched.

If you enjoyed the reading, pleease, let me know, even if you didn’t, of curse ^^’

Thanks for your time

Lu

Notes:

Uhmm so you reached this point without closing the page with a horrified face after reading the first paragraphes?
That’s good, then ^^’

I really have no idea how I managed to write this…. this thing *using the same tone Kevin used to describe the Christmas jumper (which, by the way, is soooo lovely!)*

Did you notice any (Tennant) reference? ;) I’ll put another tiny one at a certain point ;)

I laugh too much picturing Kevin who sings the previously mentioned Christmas song and turns everyone into prophets who climb mountains and hills XD

I don’t know… probably the ending of Season 1 (*sighs :’((( ) mixed with the Christmas magic (that I hate but I love reading/writing about, lol) made me want to write this fluffy (and I hope funny, too) thing… trying to make the characters as believable as possible, despite the absurd situation!
Oh, c’mon life needs some lightness sometimes ^^’
Feel free to tell me whatever you think … or two throw me vegetables … maybe not rotten ones, lol!

If you like those two in a more serious scenario (and nc 17 rating) check ‘24 hours’ and its sequel ‘My way’ ;)

Still need a beta, by the way, don’t be shy if you want to help ^^

 

I really thank the images around Google because they’re so damn inspiring and also allowed me to create a very explanatory covers, it could contain spoilers! ;P

Please just let me know if I should bother keep translating or you decided this is just crazy enough ^^’

p.s. if you love both 'Good Omens' and 'Jessica Jones' stay tuned... a crossover could be on its way ;)

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