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So this is what it feels like being a Crank. I couldn’t hear or think about anything anymore. The only feeling that was left inside me was anger. Pure anger.
All I wanted to do was to attack.
And why, there was something standing right in front of me. Something? No. someone. Wearing a grey sweater and dirty pants, his short black hair was all messed up and he was staring right at me with horror and disbelieve.
Sadness... there was sadness too. But why? In a split second all of my senses had made their way back into my head again. I could hear the wind blowing roughly and people shouting in the distance. Fire was dancing in every direction I turned my head to look at under the black sky, sending clouds of smoke into the air. Reluctantly, I turned back to face the person standing a few steps away, scars were left in the back of my eyes because of the shining lights. I winced as I heard myself growling like an animal. What has it turned me into?!
Panic suddenly rushed through my body. I was lost. All alone. Where is Minho? And where is Tommy?! I couldn’t afford losing anyone ever again. I have to find them. And this... person, was standing in my way.
“Newt?”
I heard someone calling me in the distance. The voice sounded like Tommy’s. It came from the direction that the person was standing at. Tommy... what did he do to him?!
“Newt...”
I felt like I was going to blank out. Then I yelled, silently and hopelessly, as all of my feelings were again replaced by uncontrollable anger. No... no no no... please...
I lunged towards the guy and he pushed me off onto the ground easily.
“Newt... Newt! It’s me! It’s me!”
It sounded like he was talking before I attacked him furiously again, but it ended quickly in the same way as the first time. The pain of hitting the cold, hard concrete floor brought my mind back for a short moment, enough for me to realize what was happening.
“Tommy... kill me!” I cried out desperately, my voice cracking with every single syllable but at least I could speak now.
“Newt... I’m here...”
He just wouldn’t understand. I threw myself on top of him, my mouth opening and closing madly. I wanted to bite him, I wanted to let my anger out...
“Newt... please...” He said in a choked voice. The blanking out feeling was back again with his words, but this time it was less painful. I shook my head and looked at the person lying on the ground, tears shining in his eyes under the light as he struggled to hold me back...
I was hurting Tommy.
“I’m sorry To... I’m sorry Tommy...” I gasped out, loosening my grip on his shoulder.
“It’s okay... It’s okay...” He was panting heavily too, his eyes bored into mine. They were a beautiful hazel color, I wonder why I didn’t notice it before. I untangled my arm from his gently, waves of guilt washing through my body as we stared at each other. He was the one that looked sorry although I had been attacking him the whole time. I don’t understand...
I moved my leg and it hit something hard. I looked down. It was a gun, tied to Tommy’s thigh. I grabbed it and pulled on the safety latch before he could react, then aimed it straight at my temple.
Maybe I could end this now. For Tommy’s sake. For everyone’s sake. I don’t want to hurt anyone like a Crank. I’m not going to become one of them.
“NO!” Tommy shouted and slapped the gun out of my hand. I watched hopelessly as it fell to a place that I couldn’t reach. Anger begun to stir in me again as I screamed and went back to fighting him. Why wouldn’t he just let me do it?!
I don’t know how many times had I fall onto the ground, nor how many times had I stumbled up and fought Tommy recklessly again. It wasn’t painful but it was tiring. I was on the edge of completely losing control and Tommy was always keeping an eye out in case I hurt myself, which was what I intended to do for so many times and would’ve succeeded if it wasn’t for him stopping me. I had to do something to get him off guard.
I reached for the knife I carried on my back, spinning around as I grabbed hold of the hilt and swung it at Tommy harshly. It got him and he stumbled backwards. For a moment I regretted doing so because it was obviously hurting him, but this is for his own good...
I almost pushed the sharp blade into his flesh once during the fight, but I stopped just in time for him to push me off and got to his feet, a slight panicked look on his face. Good, he is not so well-prepared now.
The knife cut through the air again and again with my movement, getting faster and faster. Tommy had put all his mind on how to protect himself now. That’s exactly what I wanted him to do...
I stabbed myself quick and harsh, plunging the knife all the way down until the entire blade was buried deeply into my chest. I stumbled forward and fell into Tommy’s arms after catching a glimpse of the shocked look on his face. He blinked several times as if he didn’t know what was going on. Well, maybe he really didn’t.
It was the weirdest feeling ever. The anger and pain inside me had all got blown away by the wind. I could hear and see everything clearly now, my mind was calmed and chilled like it never had been before. I held onto Tommy’s shoulder tightly. I could feel his heart pounding loudly against my body, but I could barely feel mine...
“Tommy...” I breathed out, my feet skidding on the ground as I finally let go of the hilt and let my hands fell to my side. My heart probably isn’t going to beat anymore in a few seconds. but in these last few beeps of its life-long working time, it started hurting again when I saw the shades of tears had left Tommy’s eyes and started rolling down the side of his face.
“No...no...” Were the last words I could hear.
I started to fall back, everything seemed to be playing in slow motion and I watched, torpidly, as the world turned upside down. I didn’t have the strength to close my eyes.
I’m so sorry Tommy, for leaving you alone like this. I know you don’t want me to die, but I don’t want myself to hurt anyone like an actual monster. I don’t want to hurt you...
I love you. Though you may never hear this.
I... love... you...
Something bright was shining straight on my face, and the feeling wasn’t good at all. I tried to raise my hands and cover my eyes from the stinging light, but it was like I’ve lost all control of my body. Everything was hot and dry, I opened my mouth desperately wanting to shout but ended up coughing frighteningly. Then coldness slipped in bit by bit, creeping up my veins and into my throat. I struggled to breath while something was clearly blocking the air outside...
Water. Freezing, terrifying water. The same hopeless feeling that I got when I first arrived at the Glade with the Box came rushing back to me, that was something one could never forget.
Newt...
Water in my lungs. Water in my mouth. Water in my ears...
I was drowning. Again.
Newt... Newt...
Weird. It sounded like someone was calling my name. But how? Last time I checked, I’m pretty dead already.
Newt... can you hear me? Newt?
The voice sounded pretty familiar, and somehow it calmed my down and I was no longer worrying about the coldness inside me. I tried to open my eyes, wanting to see who was the one shouting right into my ear but it hurt to even think about moving a muscle around there.
Newt!
Someone started shaking me violently. Oh no. Not good. The feeling of drowning was back again, as if the hands on my shoulder just pulled an invisible trigger that opened up the dam, letting all the water rush into me at once.
Gasping for air, I tried my best at moving my aching body, intending shake the hands off, but it was like I haven’t done anything.
“Newt! Wake up! Newt!”
My eyes fled open as I shot up straight into a sitting position, my throat burning with pain as if there were needles stabbing at the flesh and from what I could hear, every breath I took brought out a rasping noise from somewhere deep down in my lungs like I was having a sudden asthma attack.
“Newt! Thank God you came back to us.” The voice said with a sigh of relieve. I looked around bewilderedly, wandering where on earth is this place. A warm breeze blew past, bring up piles of sand that gently tickled at my skin. I squinted at the sunlight hitting on my face, the heat it produced was almost unbearable.
Pieces of memories started flooding back to me. So this is where the heat and light came from in the dream. I’m out here on the Scorch Trial, that’s why.
Wait. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m dead. 100%, completely, totally dead. I stabbed myself with the knife. Besides, crossing this dessert was a long time ago thing even when I was alive. What the... what’s happening?!
“Newt? Can you hear me?” A hand waved in front of me as its owner tried to get my attention. At first I was rather annoyed by the same voice calling me over and over again, until it gradually became crazily familiar. Finally, with my brain still numb and trying to figure out what’s going on, I turned my head to see the person kneeling in front of me, staring into my eyes anxiously. He had slightly tanned skin and beautiful hazel eyes, his short black hair was sticking up messily on his head as he gave me a worried frown...
Tommy.