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Yukichi is trying his complete best to keep his focus on the student in front of him, answering their questions as succinctly as he can, but it's difficult to when he can see think about is familiar pop of white and purple hair just out of the corner of his eye. Every time it is picked up by the breeze of the open window, he wants to turn to it, see the smile he knows will be on Sigma's face. And each time, he lets out a small, imperceptible breath and has to refocus, give the student the best answer he can considering he only heard half the question.
When the student's curiosity is finally satisfied, Yukichi turns to his desk, deliberately in a way so he doesn't look Sigma's way for even moment. Even so, his ears listen intently to the light, soft tones of Sigma's voice as he chats with one of the other pupils, a girl likely his age. Yukichi picks up the eraser and gets to work ridding the chalkboard of the day's notes.
The door clicks closed behind the last student and Yukichi hears a small huff of air as Sigma sits on the edge of his desk. "Nakajima wasn't paying attention at all today," he says, and Yukichi's ears perk up at being spoken to by Sigma, in that lovesick sort of way he is far too old for, "If he passes next week's final, I'll be shocked."
"We'll see," Yukichi says. Atsushi had been a good student for the rest of the semester, and he would've been surprised to hear he dropped the ball at the last minute. He was likely just distracted by something.
Yukichi feels Sigma watching him as he rolls up his sleeves, courtesy of the hot summer weather and the old air conditioning system, and sets down the eraser. "You have so much faith in all of them," Sigma says, "I don't know how you do it."
Taking a deep breath, Yukichi finally turns to face Sigma. He motions deftly for him to move. "20 years of experience." It's a pointed statement, but if Sigma picks up on it, he doesn't show it. He just obediently moves to lean on the side of Yukichi's desk with his arms crossed.
Yukichi starts collecting the day's assignments into a neat pile, setting them aside for grading before settling down in his chair.
"What are these?"
Breath catches in Yukichi's throat when he looks up to see Sigma staring into the trash. He quickly reminds himself it doesn't matter, he needs to keep his cool. "What?" Yukichi asks, hoping Sigma will take the hint.
Of course, he's never so lucky. "The pink envelopes." Sigma pulls the letter out of the trash, makes a good show of looking curious. "You keep throwing them away."
"Sigma," Yukichi says, his voice endlessly tired, yet still a warning.
Sigma puts on an innocent face. "What? Are you debt or something?"
Yukichi sighs.
"I can help!" Sigma says all too eagerly, "I'm good with numbers."
Yukichi turns his attention back to his papers, picking up his red pen. "They're love letters."
Sigma lets out an understanding, high-pitched 'oh' sound, followed by several moments of silence. Yukichi wonders if it's only him who can hear his heart pounding in his ears. "Not interested?" Sigma asks.
If only that were the problem , Yukichi thinks. He crosses out a misspelling with a flourish of his wrist. "Why are you asking?" Perhaps backing him into a corner will get him to drop it.
"I mean, you're not married, right?"
"No," Yukichi says, biting back the 'and they wouldn't let me if I wanted to' he wants to add. "but getting involved with someone half my age is hardly wise."
"You think it's a student?" Sigma asks, "Not a teacher?" Yukichi isn't sure if he's imagining the smile in Sigma's voice, thinking he has him fooled.
I know it's you . "Drop the subject, Sigma."
"It still seems rude to throw them away," Sigma says, although he sounds uncertain saying it. When Yukichi sends him a glance, he can tell Sigma knows he's overstepping and yet he's not staying quiet. "Someone must care an awful lot."
Yukichi feels a pang of guilt. His eyes briefly going to the drawer in his desk where he keeps the rest of Sigma's letters. Of course, Sigma has no way of knowing that he keeps them, just as Yukichi wants it to be. It doesn't change the fact he hates to so blatantly hurt the man's feelings.
"Put it back," Yukichi says after a moment, motioning to the garbage.
Sigma casts a wary glance back to the trash, then ignores the request. He slips the letter across the table in such a way as to place it underneath Yukichi's palm. For the briefest of moments, their hands brush, Yukichi's breath catches, and before logic gets the better of him, he catches Sigma's hand on the table, enveloping it with his own.
Sigma gasps quietly, and that's all it takes to bring Yukichi back to reality. He lets go of Sigma's hand and goes back to grading as if nothing had happened, as if he won't remember those seconds for the rest of his life. "You need to stop writing them."
The scratch of Yukichi's pen is the only noise for several moments. Then, Sigma quietly asks, "What?"
"I know you heard me."
Yukichi hears Sigma sit in a nearby chair, but he doesn't dare look up, scared of the look he might see on Sigma's face. "How'd you know?"
"I came early on Friday and saw you leaving it." It's only a partial lie. Sigma didn't need to know that Yukichi had memorized Sigma's handwriting, his patterns of speech, in their two semesters working together.
"I'm sorry," Sigma says, voice quiet. "I know that's inappropriate of me and… well, I guess 'you weren't supposed to know' is a stupid excuse. I don't really know what my plan was." He laughs hollowly.
Yukichi adds a comma that doesn't need to be there, then crosses it out with unnecessarily deep slashes. "It's fine," he lies, "Just stop leaving them. I'm 24 years your senior."
There's a long pause before Sigma replies. It's obvious he's biting his tongue from saying something else like he often does when he knows the answer to a question a student asks and he wants to answer it in Yukichi's place. "Yeah. I won't."
"Good," Yukichi says, "Come get some work done, then." He motions to the stack of papers, desperate to move on and forget all about the ache in his chest.
Sigma stands, his shoes coming into Yukichi's view. But he doesn't take the papers. Instead, he leans on the desk again, his hands clearly shaking as he braces himself with them. "Is your only complaint my age?"
His voice is distant and hurt and Yukichi finally breaks. He looks up. Sigma is staring up at the ceiling, tears welling up in his eyes, his beautiful long hair pooling on Yukichi's desk. Yukichi's heart squeezes with guilt.
It doesn't take long for the tears to start to fall and Sigma rubs them away with the heel of his hand as quickly as they come. "I—I'm sorry. I know I'm silly, it's just that—" He cuts off when a particularly strong sob chokes him.
Yukichi lifts his hand to go and comfort him. He only just manages to stop himself before he does. "Sigma," he says reassuringly, "You're allowed to cry."
Sigma nods blearily. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Yukichi says. This does nothing to slow Sigma's tears, however, and against his better judgment, Yukichi stands, leaning next to Sigma against the desk so he won't feel so alone. "You've done nothing wrong."
For some reason, this only makes Sigma cry more. "You're too kind," he says in between breaths.
Unable to resist it for a second more, Yukichi wraps his arm around Sigma's shoulders, bringing him into a hug to press him into his chest.
For a second, Sigma stops crying. He gives a shudder and then starts crying all over again. Yukichi quietly holds him, knowing he's not helping. The very last thing Sigma needed in this situation was to be held by the very man who had rejected him moments before and started this whole mess. It was hard to tell himself this, however, as Sigma clung to his yukata .
Stroking Sigma's hair was just what felt right, and it seemed to soothe him. The weight of his overlong locks slipping through Yukichi's fingers, under better circumstances, would have been beautiful. For now, though, Yukichi was feeling like he was stealing a moment from someone else.
"You're young," Yukichi says after a time, "You'll find someone with a voice kinder than mine."
There's a hiccup in Sigma's cries and his head lifts a little as he sniffles. Yukichi's hand stops running through Sigma's hair, accidentally cradling the base of his head.
Yukichi lips part, planning on saying something more, but Sigma suddenly surges forward and claims Yukichi's mouth with his own.
Something quietly snaps in Yukichi's chest. There should've been a moment of shock or hesitation on his part, but his fingers entangle deeper into Sigma's hair. He keeps pulling him closer and closer, until Sigma's body is completely flush with his own, and yet Yukichi just wants to be nearer. He chases that closeness until Sigma lets out a quiet moan when his back hits the wall. Yukichi quickly covers the gap that allowed Sigma to make such a sound, hungrily exploring Sigma's mouth. He tastes mostly like salt, from the tears, but there's something else there, the taste of something more grounding, something to come home to.
Before Yukichi can register what a dangerous thought that is, he gasps at the feeling of Sigma's fingers in his hair. He can't remember the last time someone's done that, kiss him like they've truly meant it, like they really want to be with him and not as some sort of quick hookup.
Somehow, their positions get reversed. Sigma is pressing Yukichi into the wall gently, one hand in his hair, the other on his waist, and Yukichi is reveling in it. He leans into Sigma's touch, practically high on it, as he moves his hands to cradle Sigma's face and wipe away the last traces of his tears.
Yukichi pulls away for a gasp of air after some time and Sigma's eyes flutter open, half-lidded and hazy. All at once, reality comes crashing back and Yukichi freezes, realizing what he's doing and exactly why he shouldn't be.
He pulls out of Sigma's arms, infuriatingly aware of how cold it is without that warmth around him. Neither of them reaches for each other again, just stand in shocked silence, Yukichi avoiding Sigma's eyes, as the sound of their breath echo in the room around them.
"You kissed me back," Sigma says in awe.
"I shouldn't have." Yukichi launches into motion, going back to his desk to shove papers into his bag.
"Wait!"
Yukichi doesn't dare look his way, continuing to pack his things. "That never should've happened," he insists.
Sigma lets out a sound of annoyance before he catches himself and cuts it short. "What do you mean‽ I know you enjoyed that. And you've been reading my letters. "
Yukichi winces, realizing too late that remark about his 'kind voice' came directly from Sigma's letter two days before. "That has nothing to do with this." He clicks his briefcase closed.
"It has everything to do with this." Sigma's voice is so distressed and Yukichi has no idea if it's because of the situation, or how much he's protesting. In their time working together, Sigma hadn't spoken up this much to anything.
Yukichi still makes a move for the door, only for Sigma to step into his path. Yukichi doesn't dare look him in the eyes.
"You want this, I want this, what's the problem?" Sigma says, crossing his arms.
"Sigma..." Yukichi catches a glimpse of the other man's lips, reddened and swollen from their kiss, and there's a crack in his resolve as he considers kissing him again.
"It's not like you've taken advantage of me, Yukichi. If anything, it's the other way around. God, I didn't even ask before kissing you..." Sigma's fingers touch his mouth lightly.
His law major is showing, Yukichi thinks fondly, but he still cuts Sigma's argument short by lifting his palm. "Stop. We both need to forget this even happened," he says with a shake of his head. His heart aches from the words, not that he lets it show.
"Yukichi..." The sound of his first name on Sigma's tongue makes Yukichi's heart skip a beat. "At least look me in the eyes to tell me these things."
Fuck .
Silence spreads between them again as Yukichi tries to reason with himself. He knows what needs to happen. He needs to push past Sigma, take sick days the last week of the semester, and put in a good word for whichever position Sigma would want next.
But he can't bring himself to do it. He can't even bring himself to look up.
Sigma is nothing if not patient. He doesn't try to force Yukichi's hand by saying another word, he just waits for him to speak. With a deep, weary breath, Yukichi braces himself to meet Sigma's gaze, trying to appear unaffected. "I—" His throat immediately closes on him before he can say another word, Sigma's eyes boring into him and sending a spark of guilt through his spine.
Again, Sigma lets him struggle, gives him every opportunity to do what Yukichi should. But the words don't come and Yukichi takes another deep breath before collapsing into the nearest student desk. "24 years..." he says, "That's longer than you've been alive Sigma."
Sigma sits on top of the desk delicately. "I know."
"You don't know," Yukichi corrects, "I have more experience than you, I have an established career, money in the bank to fall back on, a house I've paid for. You're not even sure you want to stick with your major. And I'm more private than someone your age deserves."
The understanding nod Sigma gives him isn't what Yukichi expects, but he's grateful for it anyway.
"This," Yukichi motions vaguely between the two of them, "won't be easy."
"But won't it be worth it?"
"Yes," Yukichi says it before he even thinks, but then he shakes his head, angry for his slip up. "There's just a good chance of you getting hurt. I'm not public about my relationships, but that doesn't mean people won't find out. You have so much more to lose than I do, and you'll get out of this and think about all the time you've wasted with me. You might not find you like me half as much as you thought—"
Sigma stops him. "I appreciate your concern, but I'm pretty sure it's up to me whether or not I'm willing to 'get hurt'. If there's a danger, it's that I probably like you more than I thought."
"You're a sap," Yukichi says while his face heats up. He's pretty sure he hasn't blushed in years.
"I get the feeling that's something you like about me, however," Sigma says, the smile apparent in his voice. However, when Yukichi looks up, his ears are dusted pink, exposing the fact he's not as confident as he pretends.
It's not like Yukichi can refute anyway, so he shakes his head instead.
Sigma stands, tosses his hair in that way he does that makes Yukichi bewitched by it. "Can we try for dinner then? My treat?"
"I can pay for both of—"
"My treat," Sigma emphasizes, "After we get work done, of course."
Yukichi grabs his briefcase. "Fine," he says, "My office, then. Professor Ogai has a class here in half an hour."
The moment he stands, Sigma gently wraps his arm around Yukichi's waist and pulls him close. He plants a small, chaste kiss on Yukichi's lips, and he accidentally lets a content sigh.
"See," Sigma says as he pulls away holding Yukichi's briefcase, "Worth it."