Work Text:
whenever you look at me, i feel my heart die a little.
because i never want you to look away.
Lan Zhan reads the third note he has received this week and sighs.
He lets himself take a glance around, but the hall is too crowded thus impossible to decipher who could have left the note inside his locker. In his scrutinization he finds Wei Ying standing with his group of friends close to the stairs, looking right at Lan Zhan. When their gazes meet, Wei Ying hastily looks away and Lan Zhan feels something in his heart crack ever so faintly.
There is no one else to blame but himself, though; for why would a boy as wonderful and lively and passionate as Wei Ying ever share a glance with a guy like Lan Zhan? And even if he did, the unspoken words and feelings shared in their eyes are definitely not the same.
The note on his palm weighs him down as the words written on it unmistakably share sentiment with Lan Zhan and his ridiculous ever-growing affection for the boy who stole his heart.
Looking back to his locker, Lan Zhan gives himself a moment to breathe and neatly places his books and coat inside; locking it afterward. Then, as he has done the past two times, he crumbles the note in his fist and throws it inside a trashcan.
(He misses, though, the way Wei Ying stares after him with a crestfallen glance.)
⤐♥⬷
Before class starts, as he settles his materials organized on his desk, Lan Zhan feels a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around and meets a soft-gleeful smile, messy bangs and grey eyes.
He almost drops dead on the spot at the force of the view— at its closeness .
Wei Ying is barely inches away from his face and Lan Zhan is sure if the other boy strays his eyes a little away from it, he will notice how bright-red his ears are blushing.
“Hi, Lan Zhan!” he says with a warm giggle and Lan Zhan suddenly feels re-energized. The sound of Wei Ying’s laughter is like a cup of recent boiled coffee in the morning: it travels all over his body and fills him up with a rush of warmth, making him feel like he is capable of doing anything.
But then again, Wei Ying’s laughter also makes him weak . He longs for it in unending, sleepless nights and on cold, rainy days— and knowing that laughter will never be caused by him, will never be felt on his skin...
It is an inner battle he has to go through every day.
Pushing back all these thoughts, Lan Zhan finds the strength to nod, “Wei Ying.”
At the mention of his name, Wei Ying’s smile suddenly falters; shifting to a soft, sheepish one. He scratches the back of his neck, avoiding Lan Zhan’s stare, “Um, I was wondering if you could lend me a pencil?”
“Yes,” Lan Zhan almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of his instant response. Wei Ying blinks twice and smiles while Lan Zhan searches his bag for a red pencil and offers it to Wei Ying.
It must be said, though, Lan Zhan could never say no to Wei Ying.
And when he did, it was out of instinct to his unending teasing; to the way he knew he would lose his own self-control of the situation.
The latter waves it in the air and says, “You know, Lan Zhan? I use red ribbons all the time,” at this, Lan Zhan’s eyes take a quick glance at the adorable short ponytail Wei Ying tugs lightly with his fingers. “but... did you know my favorite color is actually...”
He looks at Lan Zhan’s eyes, swallowing with his lips slightly parted and Lan Zhan’s heart seems to drop dead to his stomach, “Gold?”
Lan Zhan mumbles the first thing that comes to his mind, “I am sorry, I do not have a golden pencil. I can try and see if I can get one tomorrow.”
Wei Ying looks at him in surprise and laughs, a soft blush caressing his cheeks, “Aiyo, no Lan Zhan that’s... that’s not what I meant! I just... I just wanted you to know...”
He sighs, “Anyways, thanks! I’ll give it back to you later!”
But that, Lan Zhan knows, is a lie; for Wei Ying never gives them back and Lan Zhan is too much of a fool to even go over and ask for them— to use it as an excuse to talk to the boy even if it is just an exchange of mere seconds...
(Since he is sitting a few seats in front, Lan Zhan cannot see how Wei Ying, who sits on the back, rests his elbows on the desk and hides his face on his hands.)
⤐♥⬷
The next day, Lan Zhan finds yet again another note on his locker. This one could almost be considered a letter since its length is a little longer to be a note. He reads calmly, unknowing of grey eyes observing him:
my beloved lan zhan,
i was just wondering if you could stop being so handsome? it's really doing things to my heart and the doctor said i had to take precautions ;) so then i thought i’d ask you to do something about it. but you see, i just can’t stop looking at you. why can’t you look at me? :( even when i close my eyes, you’re the only thing i see.
As he finishes the last sentence, Lan Zhan feels oddly scrutinized, and painfully so. The way he can see himself in these words is almost scary for these are things he has thought about Wei Ying, too.
Whenever he goes to sleep, Wei Ying is the last thought he sees; whenever he wakes up, Wei Ying is the first thing that invades his mind. And as the letter says, Lan Zhan cannot keep himself from glancing at him; he does not want to look away...
It hurts, to be reminded of that— of the way he is only allowed to observe from a distance when all he wants is to be close enough to breathe Wei Ying in every aspect. Even if the sender's intention was another, this letter has not made him feel any better than he usually feels.
Despite all, the little bunny drawn at the end of the page makes Lan Zhan smile.
“Lan Zhan! You’re smiling!”
He turns, startled to find Wei Ying by his side. The blush smearing his ears is instantaneous.
He quickly hides the letter and picks up his books, explaining, “Remembered something funny.”
Wei Ying looks over his shoulder, breath trickling on Lan Zhan's neck, “Can you tell me what it was?”
The grin on the boy's face struck Lan Zhan into a panicked frenzy. Too much for him to bear, the playful and soft, lovely gleam of his eyes a movie he wants to play endlessly inside his mind.
Pushing the locker's door close, Lan Zhan turns to leave, “Later. Class.”
And he walks away.
(Once more, in his hurry, he is unable to notice the way Wei Ying groans and hits his forehead lightly against the lockers.)
⤐♥⬷
That afternoon, as he makes his way from the school to his house a few blocks down, Lan Zhan begins to put on his earphones and sets his playlist on when he faintly hears someone calling out to him.
When he turns around, he almost crashes against a breathless Wei Ying, “Lan Zhan, didn’t you—” he is panting, drops of sweat crowning his forehead and he takes a moment to regain himself; hands on his waist as he takes deep breaths.
He smiles then, bright and lovely and now Lan Zhan is the one having difficulty breathing.
Wei Ying continues, “hear me when I was calling you? If I didn’t catch up to you, you would’ve left me behind.”
Saying this he puts out an adorable pout killing Lan Zhan’s heart in an instant.
Looking down at the phone on his hand, a little embarrassed Lan Zhan whispers, “I am sorry. I had my earphones on and was not able to hear you.”
And it is true. He would never ignore Wei Ying intentionally. If it happened, it was probably caused by other circumstances out of his control such as the current situation or his inner panicking.
He is hopeless and in love. Hopelessly in love.
“No worries, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying replies while pushing a lost strand of hair behind his ear.
Lan Zhan cannot think of a single reason of why Wei Ying was chasing after him; why did he want to speak to him out of the blue. Maybe he wanted to return one of Lan Zhan's lost pencils?
“Did you... need something?”
Wei Ying looks at him confused for a moment before laughing, “Oh! Hahaha, nothing nothing. I just wanted to walk with you. Can I?”
Lan Zhan cannot believe his ears. When he sees Wei Ying smile suddenly falter he realizes that almost an entire minute has passed without him saying a word or answering back. He nods quietly and begins to walk. Wei Ying follows in step to his side, silent but his presence loud. The way he can feel the warmth irradiating from his body; the way the boy smiles at the passers-by and how he seems to get excited with everything his eyes see.
Lan Zhan loves that.
Makes him feel alive—
“Lan Zhan, what are you listening to? Can I listen, too?”
He had not noticed he kept on of the earphones on, music playing very lowly dressing the moment with a magical feeling.
Wei Ying is waiting with a hopeful, excited light on his face. How could Lan Zhan ever deny him anything?
At least, this way, through music he can be a little closer to Wei Ying's heart, “Mn.”
He offers him one of the earphones and Wei Ying's fingers lightly graze his own as he picks it to put on his ear, Lan Zhan feel sparks fly where they touch. He then taps for music to play on shuffle and almost wants to skip the song that starts playing when he recognizes the soft, delicate tune. A love song is the last thing he needs right now— to listen to his thoughts being sung to his crush, much less wants to make Wei Ying uncomfortable.
But when he sees the small smile that forms on Wei Ying's rosy lips and he decides that listening to it is not a bad idea after all.
The lyrics speak of how these two people only need each other's company, how all the singing voice wants is to lay with that person, to dwell in their presence and forget about the world. It sings of how those three words are not enough said despite how many times they are spoken and Lan Zhan feels his heart pang with the need for courage to say them at least once.
He risks a glance towards Wei Ying and feels the air leave his lungs in a rush.
The dimming sunrays kiss his cheek a sweet, spotty red and make his eyes gleam ever so lovely. Lan Zhan does not know what he has ever done to deserve the gift of this moment right here, but he is so grateful to be able and witness this all he can do is let himself drink in all of it. The way Wei Ying seems to glance at him and, finding Lan Zhan already staring at him, quickly looks away. How his eyes close when the song hits a particular hair raising moment or how he bites his lower lip to keep himself from saying something when all Lan Zhan wants is to hear him say anything.
He is so beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful it drives Lan Zhan crazy.
And all he can think of is I love you, I love you, I love you.
They keep walking silently together, the back of their hands brushing from time to time and Lan Zhan is so nervous he thinks he hears his heart beating a double rhythm. They reach a traffic light on green then and wait for it to change— Wei Ying's eyes chasing cars and Lan Zhan unable to comprehend how there is him and Wei Ying, and all of these people, and yet he cannot take his eyes off of the boy at his side.
Wei Ying literally has his head spinning.
He wishes to get dizzy for the rest of his life.
⤐♥⬷
Lan Zhan receives another letter the next morning. This time he reads it quickly, his eyes growing slightly wide at the proposition written down:
i didn't think i could fall more in love with you but i have been wronged :( now i feel like… i can't breathe? every song i listen to? every single thing? all of it reminds me of you and it's driving me mad, lan zhan. i really need to tell you how much you mean to me. right to your face. i should have said something yesterday but whenever i was about to, i got scared. but today will be different! today i will tell you everything i've said in these notes in person. so can you, please pretty please come and meet me at the abandoned house close to the school?
The bell rings calling up for class starting and he throws the letter to the trash. He passes the entire day busy between classes and working on a research project he has due on a few days, he is not even able to talk with Wei Ying besides their usual morning greeting.
At the end of the day, Lan Zhan does not go to the abandoned house.
(Thus, he is unable to witness how a small flower is twirled between nervous fingers as it waits for him to come by.)
⤐♥⬷
That weekend, Lan Zhan's brother gives him some extra money and Lan Zhan decides to spend it wisely on a new book; thus, he goes to the nearest book store in the afternoon, craving to lose himself a little between shelves and drink a cup of warm tea.
He never expects, though, to hear faint scraping noises and books falling in the aisle next to his. Curiosity takes the most of him and, as he passes by to go pay, he sees a boy— face hidden between the pages, brow furrowed in deep concentration.
Lan Zhan is able to make out the book's title and resists the urge to roll his eyes as he reads ' A Guide on How to Confess Your Love for Dummies '. He whispers a low, "Ridiculous" when the boy raises his head and meets Lan Zhan's eyes.
The name comes from his lips as natural as ever, "Wei Ying?"
Wei Ying drops the book and seems in a panic for a second but then recovers, smiling awkwardly as he picks up the book and hides it behind his back, "Lan Zhan! Haha, hi there..."
Lan Zhan approaches hesitantly, heart beating wildly and ears blushing at the cute sight of Wei Ying wearing pajamas. His hair is a total mess, strands pointing everywhere and his eyes seem a little drowsy under the faint light on top of the bookshelf.
It is as if… he had gotten out of bed at midday and did not even glance at himself in the mirror before running here.
The force of longing that hits Lan Zhan that moment just to be able to hold the other boy, to hug him and press soft kisses all over his sleepy face almost has him off balance.
When he reaches him, Lan Zhan shoots a glance at the hands holding the book hidden from his view and looks back at Wei Ying to ask, "Did you find it interesting?"
Wei Ying fakes confusion, "What? Oh! You mean this?" he shows the book and waves it in the air. "Hahaha ah, this is… for my sister! Yes! A gift for her!"
He pats his head with the back of his book and asks, "How about you? Did you find anything interesting?"
Lan Zhan blushes, "Mn. A new edition of The Little Prince."
"Hmm," Wei Ying mutters as he takes it into consideration then gasps excitedly and smiles, "Is that your favorite book, Lan Zhan?"
Blushing furthermore and looking away, Lan Zhan nods, "En. Since I was… a little kid."
When he looks up again, he is suddenly taken aback by the softness gleaming on Wei Ying's eyes, at the small smile blooming ever so endearing on his lips and at the bizarre gentleness on his features as he looks back at Lan Zhan.
He whispers absentmindedly, "So cute, haha..." and it makes Lan Zhan's ears almost produce smoke from how hot they are.
Noticing he spoke aloud Wei Ying blushes, "Ah, sorry about that um… Shall we go pay? You can tell me why you like that book so much as we wait in line, sounds good?"
The smile peeking from the corners of Lan Zhan's mouth is untamed, "Mn."
And the way his heart dances around Wei Ying's words, his presence, his light, is simply more than Lan Zhan can ever have even thought of having.
⤐♥⬷
Monday comes, then Tuesday and the days pass. Letters keep being tucked and left inside his locker. But Lan Zhan does not open them again.
Wei Ying, he notices, seems unlikely moody. His laugh rumbling inside the classroom is no longer heard and he barely smiles. When he does, is a dim curve of his lips and Lan Zhan worries deeply, his heart constricting at the way he glances at him and how the boy hastily avoids his gaze.
He wonders if he did something wrong? He thinks back to the bookstore, at their short exchange of words but cannot remember anything that went wrong. On the contrary, the image of Wei Ying's soft smile, red cheeks, and sweet laugh invades his senses and it only makes him worry and long for him even more.
Before he leaves the school on Friday afternoon, Lan Zhan goes to retrieve his coat from the locker when a new note falls to his feet.
He sighs, unable to believe this person's persistence and leans down to pick it up. He considers throwing it away as he did with the ones before, but something in his gut already eating at him that he knows to be guilt pushes him to open and read what it says. To say he is surprised as he does is an understatement...
lan zhan, i love you.
He honestly wonders why...
(What he does not know is that, each letter left before and that he threw away, always ended with "I will wait for you today again, please come?")
⤐♥⬷
It starts raining fiercely on his way back and Lan Zhan decides to take shelter under the balcony's roof of the abandoned house close by. Yet, as he approaches, he sees a figure sitting there already— hugging his legs to his chest, playing with a stick tracing patterns on the wooden floor.
His heart skips a beat as he recognizes those wild strands of hair held down by a red ribbon, and he is speaking before thinking it twice, "Wei Ying? What are you doing here?"
The boy looks up from where he seems to be mopping and the sight of his adorable pursed lips and slightly rosy nose has Lan Zhan considering staying to soak in the rain to calm the warmth crawling on his skin, to cool down the need to press a kiss on the tip.
Wei Ying seems surprised and his stiff shoulders relax the moment he realizes it's only Lan Zhan there. Only him and Lan Zhan…
Lan Zhan does not let himself think of it.
"Oh, Lan Zhan," he offers a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Nothing I was just… covering from the rain."
Taking a deep breath, Lan Zhan sits down to his side; accidentally brushing his shoulder with his own making butterflies flutter in his stomach, "Mn. Same."
They are quiet for a while— the rain falling against the pavement and the roof the only sound along with the passing wind and some crickets starting their symphony as twilight approaches.
Lan Zhan cannot say he dislikes the silence, for just being with Wei Ying like this is more than enough. His company is a soothing blanket warming him and keeping him safe from everything. His heart feels so content to dwell in the other boy's light.
Yet… that same light is so dim at that moment, Lan Zhan almost feels it is not even there at all.
Before he can ask what is wrong for his heart is completely desperate at this point, Wei Ying speaks out first, “Lan Zhan can I ask you something?”
He does not even hesitate to reply, “What is it?”
Wei Ying keeps drawing invisible patterns on the floor— the wood stick moving in a familiar curving form that Lan Zhan realizes is a heart that vanishes as soon as Wei Ying trails the stick away.
He does not look at Lan Zhan as he asks, “Why… why do you um… every morning I see you throw a paper away after reading it? I was wondering why you do it? Sometimes you don’t even read them...”
This is not what Lan Zhan expected for his question to be in the most minimum and it actually worries him what he should answer.
He does not want Wei Ying to think he… is in any sort of way related to someone romantically. Even if Wei Ying cannot know this, Lan Zhan cannot even imagine himself loving someone that is not Wei Ying. Thus, saying he has been receiving love letters could lead to wrong assumptions which could push Wei Ying away or… worse…
For him to encourage Lan Zhan to accept the suitor's feelings and give said person a chance.
That would destroy Lan Zhan's heart— how does words would be a definite answer of Wei Ying never returning his feelings.
Thus he tries answering with, “I do not… care.”
Wei Ying's response is immediate, almost desperate— eyes quickly looking over to Lan Zhan, “Why?”
Why is Wei Ying so insistent on knowing? Does he already suspect what the letters are? Lan Zhan thinks that maybe… there is no harm in being a little honest about what he feels, even if he is not specific towards whom those feelings are directed, “There is someone I already like.”
Somehow those words seem to lock Wei Ying up. He closes his mouth, his eyes seem hurt and he turns away almost moving to sit farther from Lan Zhan's side, “Oh… Alright. I’m… sorry.”
Lan Zhan panics, thinking he offended him unintentionally, “You do not have to apologize. I do not mind... you asking.”
Then he tries to explain a little further, to clear up the messy situation he is in and the somewhat harsh words he has said — to whom they are meant to be , “Someone has been leaving me… love notes on my locker every day.”
Wei Ying glances back at him, his pained expression quickly turned into utter confusion, “Someone?”
Lan Zhan nods, “Yes. I do not know who they are. They have never signed the letters.”
Wei Ying looks at him with a twitch in his eye, blank stupor written on his features, “What.”
He frowns at Wei Ying's unexpected reaction, “Mn. That is why I threw them away, as well-”
Wei Ying stops him midsentence, "Wait, so you're telling me that all this time I—"
A thunder strikes then, startling them both. The rain starts falling harder again, almost getting to them where they sit together on the balcony's floor.
Lan Zhan's heart does a strange twist at Wei Ying's words, "You?"
As if he could not take it any longer, whatever it is that his drowning him, Wei Ying pushes up to his knees and pulls Lan Zhan by the neck of his shirt and blurts out in a small shout, "Yes, me! Me, Lan Zhan who else!? It has been me leaving those love notes every day and I can't believe all this time I thought you hated me when you didn't even know it was me leaving them because my stupid ass forgot to fucking sign them," the words come out in a desperate, frustrated wave.
And Lan Zhan is left speechless.
What is that thrumming sound in his ears, what is that feeling in the middle of his chest that seems to fill him up with something he never thought he could feel, could encounter?
Wei Ying exhales, closing his eyes and opens them to calmly say, "Lan Zhan, can't you see?" he asks with almost pleading eyes. "I like you so much."
“Then… why did you always avoid me when I looked at you?” Lan Zhan wants to punch himself for being stupid enough and saying that, instead of what he actually is screaming in his heart.
He is not given a chance, though, to retire those words and say something else when Wei Ying is saying between a shout and a whine, “Because I was shy! Lan Zhan you have no idea of the effect you have on me, do you?”
Ignoring the way he feels the blush smearing his ears travel to the curve if his cheeks and the tip of his nose, Lan Zhan answers with a question of his own, “What about you?”
Wei Ying tilts his head, “What do you mean?”
With the hopeful fluttering beats of his heart taking wings, he takes the leap, “Do you also have any idea the effect you have on me, Wei Ying?”
As if in a trance, beautiful grey eyes wide and unblinking Wei Ying asks again, “W-What do you mean?”
A trembling hand reaches and brushes away the bangs hiding Wei Ying’s flustered expression and lets its knuckles touch ever so gently the blush kissing his cheeks.
Lan Zhan, for just a moment, envies it a little. He says, “That I like you. I like Wei Ying. With all my heart.”
“But…But!!” Wei Ying stutters, a hand coming up to squeeze the one cradling his face. “But you also avoided me, too! A lot!”
“I… I was also… shy. I thought you did not want my company,” Lan Zhan admits, looking away.
Then hands quickly come to grab his face and make him look up again— frustrated and slightly angry yet soft eyes burning at him.
Eyes that search his face as Wei Ying says, “Are you stupid Lan Zhan? I was always trying to spend time with you! But you—mph!!!”
He does not know what takes over him. Maybe it was the way all Wei Ying’s words were triggering him with a wave of complete affection and need that have been growing inside him and now wanted to burst up unrestrainedly. Maybe it was the way the redness on Wei Ying’s face seem to crack something in Lan Zhan’s heart with every passing minute he didn't have his lips on it. Maybe it was his eyes, the moment, the rain; Lan Zhan does not know.
He knows nothing but the feeling of Wei Ying’s lips on his as he kisses him in the middle of his speech. They are soft and yielding against his own, curving up in a faint smile as they kiss back— pushing further into the warmth of Lan Zhan’s mouth.
Lan Zhan welcomes the pressure, the needy teasing of Wei Ying’s tongue and he lets it slide in and groans at the way their tongues twist between one another and how Wei Ying moans slightly when Lan Zhan nips on his lower lip.
It’s all desperate hands and arms and lips— both of them falling to the wet floor in the middle of their delicious make out. Wei Ying laughs as he straddles Lan Zhan’s hips and leans to press a soft bite on the rosy earlobe.
“Lan Zhan, you really made me believe that you didn't like being with me at all.”
Something breaks inside Lan Zhan’s heart and he quickly takes one of Wei Ying’s hands on his own and brings it up to his lips to kiss it.
His brow is furrowed with sudden distress, “I am sorry. I want you. Spend time with you. Always.”
Wei Ying rolls his eyes and laughs, kissing Lan Zhan’s nose, “Aiyo, Lan Zhan. Don’t be silly, you don’t have to say sorry. We’re together now right?”
The word makes his heart skip a beat, “Together?”
Wei Ying smiles teasingly, “Um, well… only if you want t— mph!”
Lan Zhan kisses him again, pressing his lips on every inch that he can reach . Over his lips and cheeks and nose and eyelids and does not even let Wei Ying breathe.
He presses his lips once again on Wei Ying’s and quickly pushes his tongue inside— deepening the kiss until both of them seem to be lost in each other’s sounds.
Lan Zhan’s hand travels down Wei Ying’s back and stops; but Wei Ying reaches behind and guides it to grope his ass.
The surprise makes Lan Zhan pull away enough for Wei Ying to say between chuckles, “Lan Zhan! If you’re going to keep interrupting me with kisses then I’m never going to shut up, you know?”
As if Lan Zhan would ever want such a thing.
He squeezes the bump under his hand and smiles at Wei Ying’s shocked expression and the blush painting his face ever so adorable.
He pulls him down again and nuzzles the tip of his nose, murmuring “Mn.”
Then kisses him again.
⤐♥⬷
Extra
“Lan Zhan… where are you going? Your house is this way.”
“School. Trashcan.”
“Excuse me?”
“Will search the trashcan. Wei Ying’s letters. Must find them.”
Wei Ying stops in his tracks and bends in laughter, “Hahahaha! Lan Zhan! You fuddy-duddy, please! You don’t have to—”
He looks at Wei Ying with determination, “Yes. They were a gift from Wei Ying. They are precious. I…” he looks down, sadness enveloping him. “I am sorry I threw them away.”
Wei Ying’s heart softens and melts and he goes to take his boyfriend in a tight hug, chuckling, “Aiyo, Lan Zhan. It's not your fault. Don’t worry, hey,” he pulls away and caresses Lan Zhan’s cheek— smiling.
“I will write to you as many love letters as you want, my dear Lan Zhan. Okay?”
Lan Zhan leans to the touch and smiles back softly, “Alright.”
♥♥♥