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Being back on the Normandy - being back with Shepard - was a dream wrapped in a nightmare, tied together with memories. After losing the man twice, first to death then to Cerberus, Kaidan mourned him like he was way more than an almost - almost lover, almost boyfriend, almost the one.
Then the Reapers came and they watched together as the Earth burned under the Normandy. But even after that, Cerberus, and Mars Kaidan believed they could put everything behind them. ‘Bury it. Forgive it,’ he said to Shepard in the hospital and honestly meant it.
The fucking coup almost managed to ruin everything again but to both of their surprise they came out stronger in the end. Kaidan felt like he could breathe again, maybe the first time since he watched the SR-1 go down in flames.
As before, the ship felt like home, especially as more and more familiar faces started to fill the corridors. But with the sense of belonging came something else, something that Kaidan also thought long buried and forgotten: his attraction to Shepard.
On the SR-1 it... would have kinda made sense. Kaidan was always more attracted to men than women, and Shepard’s charm managed to captivate him too (with half of the crew, to say the least). But what was there not to crush on? The man was handsome as hell, his body, trained for maximum efficiency, a work of art in itself and despite all the heroics he still managed to remain humble, shy even. Kaidan was sure there were beings able to resist Shepard. He just hadn’t actually met one yet.
So yeah, he could have made a pass at Shep when they first met - maybe even should have, considering how their lives turned out. But now everything went beyond FUBAR and Kaidan told himself he’d be content with salvaging their friendship, if nothing else. Sure, they low-key flirted sometimes, but with all the baggage between them neither man seemed willing to take it any further.
And really, Kaidan was fine with that. Totally fine .
Except when he woke with an insistent hard-on in his bunk every night after a mission with Shepard. Or when he felt his biotics twitch at the sight of either Vega or Cortez (and on one memorable occasion, both) eyeing the Commander like they wanted to climb him at the first opportune moment. Or when he remembered that with both of them being Spectres the fraternization regs didn’t exactly apply to them anymore.
So he did what he did best: kept himself in check and maintained his control, vowing not to let himself get distracted by his own selfish desires, and just be there for Shepard as a friend he seemed to really need in these fucked up times.
Decision firmly made, he took off to the shuttle bay to prepare for the next mission on a godforsaken ice planet somewhere in the Gemini Sigma cluster.
Naturally, that was when the proverbial shit hit the air purifying unit.
First, they had to land a few klicks away from their target because of the AA towers covering the area. Then the Kodiak sustained damage at landing, as the beginnings of an unexpected blizzard threw it at some rocks despite Steve’s best efforts. The brute force needed to pry off the bent panelling required at least one of them to stay with Steve - not to mention someone needed to watch his six while he was working on the shuttle. Vega was the obvious choice as Shepard refused to stay on his ass until the Kodiak was repaired, confident that him and Kaidan would be more than enough to deal with one lousy Cerberus outpost.
Actually he was right about that, the mission itself was fairly uncomplicated. Get in, kill all Cerberus troops, collect any useful data and blow up the place. That part went off more or less without a hitch. Sure, they were a bit bruised up and used a bit more medigel than usual, but in their books? Smooth as butter.
But on the way back… That’s when Kaidan started to curse so eloquently it would have put even Vega to shame.
“Once a marine, always a marine, Major?” teased Shepard over the staticky comm. Kaidan guessed he was probably grinning at him under his visor but they couldn’t see a fucking thing in the snowstorm that enveloped them halfway back to the landing point.
Thermal armor or not, things would get dicey soon if they didn’t find some kind of a shelter, be it the safety of their shuttle or a freakin’ igloo. To Kaidan’s eternal surprise Commander Hothead agreed with his assessment, tho’ it might have had more to do with the faint chattering of teeth barely audible over the comms than Kaidan’s supreme powers of persuasion.
Struggling against the wind Kaidan brought up the map of the area on his omni-tool, which thankfully showed some kind of storage facility practically next to them. Finding it in this hellish weather was not going to be easy but it was still better than risking the way back to the Kodiak. They had just made about halfway through the snowdrifts in the - hopefully - right direction, when Shepard gave a decidedly unmanly yelp and fell back on his ass, having slipped on something, Kaidan assumed.
It was really funny till the moment something made a sharp cracking sound under Shepard’s weight, and he started to disappear right before Kaidan’s eyes. They tried to reach for each other, but the ground below Kaidan also made an alarming sound and Shepard only managed to slip further into what must have been a lovely river before the treacherous weather froze it over and covered it in snow.
Shepard’s movements were getting more and more sluggish by the second, the weight of the armor keeping him trapped in the icy stream. As time was running out, and reaching him physically was out of the question, Kaidan did the next best thing and flung his Commander out of the icy water with his biotics. His wet body landed with a dull thud, and remained worryingly still in the snow. But the move had the added bonus of putting at least one of them closer to the storage shed, which Kaidan decided to appreciate as soon as he was not on the wrong side of the damn river.
Either the cold was getting to him too, or Shepard’s own brand of insanity took an infectious turn, but Kaidan came to the conclusion that the only solution to his predicament was a biotic charge over the ice. Sure, being a sentinel made that not exactly his forte, but in that moment he was confident (or crazy) enough to believe that seeing the move on the battlefield and his hazy memories from BAaT made him capable of pulling it off.
He took a deep breath to center himself, trying to think of the move like another form of pull or push. On the exhale he stopped thinking altogether and simply willed the mass effect field gathered around himself to move him.
When he opened his eyes standing only a few steps from Shepard’s body he was so surprised he almost didn’t notice his bleeding nose.
“Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again,” he muttered under his breath, an almost-forgotten, ancient vid surfacing from his memories. He trudged over to Shepard and began to haul his armored body through the snow. Thankfully the supply building was indeed close, and after hacking the door and dragging both of their asses inside, Kaidan was finally free to collapse in a tired heap by the now-closed door.
He only gave himself a few moments to collect his bearings then got to task, knowing he didn’t have a lot of time to waste. He gently pried off Shepard’s fogged up helmet, running a quick medical diagnostic with his omni-tool while simultaneously munching on a half-frozen ration bar to keep up his energy level after his crazy stunt.
Aside from some scrapes and bruises from the earlier battle, Shepard was basically fine except for his horrendously low body temperature. Kaidan tried to hail the Kodiak, but either the weather was fucking up communications or the damage of the shuttle affected the radios too. Sighing, he set the omni-tool to send their location to the Kodiak every 20 minutes, not wanting to worry their crewmates more than necessary.
Then he set to methodically remove Shepard’s armor, trying not to pay attention to what exactly he was doing. Unfastening any regulation armor was a task all marines could do blindfolded anyhow, so instead of creeping on the unconscious man under his hands, he took a look around their temporary shelter. Just like any regular storage unit, it was mostly filled with crates and a couple of shelves by the wall. By the time he was down to Shepard’s undersuit, he decided to move him to the far corner of the room, where he made a small, crate-insulated nook by arranging the boxes with his biotics, so they’d be in cover in case someone unexpected paid them a visit.
Hands hovering over the wet fabric of Shepard’s black undersuit Kaidan decided to delay the inevitable for a few moments, pondering how exactly to proceed. He did have a thin thermal blanket stashed somewhere on his person, but it was barely big enough to cover one grown man. Sure, it’d be enough for Shepard, but with such low temperature he’d never warm up on his own. But shared body heat wouldn’t do much good if Kaidan froze off some of his own bits in the process and then Shepard would just murder him anyhow for trying to take care of him.
A compromise then. Taking a fortifying breath, Kaidan began to lay down his weapons and most of the front pieces of his armor. When his backplate was a hair’s breadth away from slipping down off his shoulders, he sat in the corner, trying to wedge the wobbly pieces into a stable position. When it was as secure as it was going to get, he drew Shepard’s prone body closer, trying to wrestle the man out of the clingy, damp fabric. The shirt was relatively easy thanks to the zipper at the front, but the bottom part… Kaidan was not going to think about those few seconds. Ever again.
During his battle with the damned undersuit, Kaidan forgot one small but crucial detail which was an obvious tactical error on his part. Contrary to the Normandy’s scuttlebutt, Shepard did not go commando under his armor, but this fact left Kaidan with the dilemma of what to do with the man’s slightly damp, N7-issued boxer briefs. After a few moments of intense internal debate, Kaidan made the executive decision that Shepard just had to deal with the wet fabric. He was sure as hell not capable of dealing with a buck ass naked Shepard in his lap.
After getting Shepard as naked as he was willing under the circumstances, Kaidan unzipped his own undersuit, gathered the other man closer to his chest and wrapped the thin material of the thermal blanket around their bodies. After a few minutes he could feel his biotic metabolism doing its thing, warming the air under the blanket. Biotics run hot, indeed.
With the immediate danger gone, Kaidan felt himself relax a bit. The bulk of his backplate prevented him from resting his head against the crates behind him, so he gave way to one of his selfish impulses and rested his chin on the top of Shepard’s buzzed head. He felt- He felt content with Shepard in his arms, and yeah, so maybe it was more than simple attraction but he was unwilling to go down that road, so instead of torturing himself he decided to let himself enjoy the closeness he rarely let himself even imagine.
Cradled in Kaidan's arms the Commander felt so young . With his larger than life presence it was easy to forget that he was actually younger than Kaidan, even more if you took the two lost years into account. Sure, the war has left its mark on him even with Cerberus’ intervention, but sometimes he still looked almost boyish - at least to Kaidan.
While he tried not too obviously inhale the scent of Shepard’s skin, he noticed that the man has finally started shivering a bit, which was always a good sign with severe hypothermia. It’s also a fucking nuisance when you haven’t gotten laid in ages and the object of your wet dreams was doing the shivering against your barely-clothed dick. After everything was said and done, Kaidan believed himself to be a more or less good man. He did not deserve this shit, seriously .
As the tremors got stronger, Kaidan had no other choice but to wrap his right hand around Shepard’s waist, while his left remained on Shepard’s back, stopping him from leaning against the cold crates. For all intents and purposes Kaidan was cuddling his commanding officer. He felt the sudden urge to repeatedly bash his own head into the crates, but he was trying to cut down on head trauma after Mars. It was a process.
After a few minutes (hours? days?) of intense torture, Shepard finally seemed to at last regain consciousness. Of course he signaled this by somehow moving even closer to Kaidan’s body, mumbling something too low for Kaidan to catch.
“Commander? Shepard? You awake?” he half-whispered, a bit afraid of the answer.
Shepard only curled up tighter, burrowing his nose behind Kaidan’s ear. His still-cold lips rested near Kaidan’s pulse point and his uneven breaths made goosebumps break out all along Kaidan’s left side.
Kaidan firmly believed he was not being overdramatic when he wished for the sweet mercy of death at this point. His heart was hammering so hard it was a wonder it didn’t rouse Shepard, and his dick was starting to get hard despite the horribly uncomfortable circumstances. And that was before Shepard’s left hand found its way up to Kaidan’s pecs, cold digits slowly warming up on Kaidan’s overheated skin. The shivering made it feel like he was caressing Kaidan, his ring finger even found his nipple.
Kaidan almost jumped out of his skin at the contact, when he felt something weird. Shepard… He was grinning against Kaidan’s neck, with a few low chuckles hidden among the full-body shivers. Kaidan nudged his head away with a shoulder, glaring at the smug bastard in his lap.
“You little shit!” he growled out, crashing his mouth against that pleased smile. And yeah, maybe he did have some overdramatic tendencies, because the kiss felt like the best thing in his life. Fuck, but he has been waiting so long for this - and if Shepard’s moans were anything to go by, he must have felt something similar. Kaidan felt weightless, like on a spacewalk, the sudden relief coursing through his system making him lightheaded and dizzy. There was no second guessing, no what-ifs, just the overwhelming feeling of rightness, something missing slotting into place.
As in everything else, Shepard tried to take the lead of the kiss but Kaidan was having none of it. Luck was also on his side as Shepard was still too out of it to be a match for Kaidan’s resolve. The kiss might have started out hard and demanding, but after the initial shock of finally having Shepard at his disposal, Kaidan was determined to enjoy every last second of the situation, even if his dick was having altogether different suggestions.
He tipped Shepard’s chin up to better slant their mouths together, and proceeded to apply all his considerable focus to kissing Shepard’s breath away. He wanted to remember everything about this moment. The way Shepard sighed when their tongues first met, like he wanted this just as much as Kaidan did. The weight of Shepard’s head cradled in his left palm, as he tipped him back to deepen the kiss. The feeling of his own heart trying to crawl out of his chest from the sheer joy of getting something he thought utterly unattainable.
As air became a necessity for both of them, they parted for a second, the sounds of their laboured breathing loud in the confined space. Shepard’s eyes were closed, but a small smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth and he looked awfully relaxed for someone who almost froze to death. I did this , Kaidan though, almost giddy with the realization. After spending weeks watching Shepard lose himself more and more to the duties piled on his shoulders, it was a relief to see some of his true self peeking out from under the slowly hardening mask of The Commander.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked, bumping their foreheads gently together.
“Good,” Shepard rasped. “Well, also freezing. Frozen? But you know, good.” He straightened a bit, steel-blue eyes focusing on Kaidan’s face. “And you?”
Kaidan bit back a smile. “I wasn’t the one who decided to take a bath in the middle of a blizzard. I’m fine.”
“You must still have done something stupid,” Shepard said, gently wiping under Kaidan’s nose with his left thumb, finger coming away with flakes of dried blood.
“And you worry too much,” Kaidan answered a bit mortified, wiping away the rest of the mess with the hem of his sleeve.
“Only about the really important things,” Shepard replied, leaning forward to seal their mouths back together.
Kaidan’s breath hitched in his throat as the words registered. It was too much to take in all at once, so he decided to stop thinking entirely, giving up himself to the feelings coursing through him. He wanted to touch Shepard everywhere, but allowances had to be made to the freezing temperature. So he settled for running his right hand up and down along the length of Shepard’s spine, mapping the glorious expanse of skin with his fingertips. Shepard groaned into the kiss, his shivers now hopefully more of a reaction to Kaidan’s caress than the cold in his bones.
As Shepard hated to feel left behind, curious fingers soon began their quest to drive Kaidan insane. It started innocently enough, with hands looping around his shoulders, clever fingers running under his bodysuit, eliciting goosebumps in their wake. But as their kiss heated up, Shepard sneaked a hand into Kaidan’s hair, almost as if he needed something to hold on to. Kaidan couldn’t keep down his moan as the grip tightened in his locks, accidentally putting pressure on his amp port, making him see stars of the good kind.
He hiked Shepard even closer, desperate for more contact. Cursing himself for not stripping off the N7 briefs when he had the chance, he slipped a hand under the damp textile, kneading the firm muscle he so often admired in the communal showers of the SR-1. It was way better to touch than he imagined.
Shepard let out a low groan from the contact and did his best to twist around, to face Kaidan properly. But their flimsy cover could only withstand so much till it slipped off to the floor, leaving them both gasping from the sudden cold. Shepard managed to snag it back but not before accidentally slipping his feet from Kaidan’s thighs, soles touching the bare concrete floor.
“Shit, fuck, it's fucking freezing,” he wheezed out while trying to fold back all his limbs under the thermal blanket and over every inch of Kaidan. They looked at each other helplessly, both trying to figure out a way to get closer without risking important bits to the elements.
“You know, we could wait till we are back on the Normandy,” Kaidan suggested halfheartedly. Shepard looked at him like someone stole that damn hamster of his. Okay, no waiting. Who knew that Commander Shepard was a master of puppy eyes? Too bad they wouldn’t work on the Reapers. Probably.
Focus , Kaidan thought.
With a sudden flash of inspiration he grabbed Shepard by the hips, lifting and twisting his limbs until they ended up chest-to-back, Shepard practically using Kaidan as a chair. He threw a questioning glance back at Kaidan which turned into a wicked grin as he felt the hardness he was directly placed upon.
“Good tactical thinking, Major,” Shepard said, dropping his head back to rest on Kaidan’s shoulder.
“I’m glad you appreciate it, Commander,” Kaidan answered while softly nibbling on the ear conveniently situated by his lips. Now that he had free access, he didn’t waste any more time and slipped both of his hands into those fucking briefs. Shepard’s reacting jolt almost upended them again but gravity was no match for the combined force of the sheer determination of humanity’s first two Spectres.
As much as Kaidan wanted to drag this out as long as possible, the circumstances were less than optimal for a drawn-out experience. Besides, he wanted to see how quickly he could make Shepard lose his cool. Objective identified, he set to drive the man between his hands insane .
Slowly grinding up against Shepard’s ass he stroked him to full hardness in no time, fingers lightly dancing over the silky soft skin. Shepard groaned in annoyance, pushing up with small thrusts towards the fleeting touches but without leverage he always fell back, creating a delicious rhythm against Kaidan straining cock.
Kaidan hid a smirk in the sweaty skin of Shepard’s neck - and hey, his body heat must be finally getting up! - when the revenge came: Shepard’s hand back in his hair, aiming straight at Kaidan’s port. His touch was light as a feather but it still made Kaidan want to scream with the pain-pleasure of it. When he could safely unlock his jaw again, he bit into Shepard’s shoulder hard , to let him know without words how much he wanted him.
They always had a tendency to show off in front of each other and it looked like sex wasn’t going to be different either. As soon as Kaidan had regained all his faculties, he slipped his left hand around Shepard’s waist to keep him in place and started to grind up against that magnificent ass with the same rhythm he was using to jerk Shepard off.
“Next time you won’t get off this easy. I’m going to take my time with you till you simply can’t take it anymore. Then I will keep going some more,” he growled in Shepard’s ear, punctuating the last words with a twist on each upstroke.
“Is that a promise?” Shepard asked, already breathless and twitching in Kaidan’s grasp.
“You bet that sweet ass it is. I’m gonna spread you out on that huge bed of yours and worship every delicious inch of your body until you tremble between my hands. Then I will fuck you till you scream my name,” he whispered. The answering groan that Shepard was unable to hold back was music to his ears.
He sped up the tempo of his strokes, his hips now moving off-beat to his hands. He was determined to get Shepard off first but it was going to be a close call with the noises constantly spilling from Shepard’s mouth. He was harder than he could ever remember being, and experience or not, he was this close to coming into his briefs like a damn teenager. But as they say, all is fair in love and war - and Kaidan knew that better than most.
With the last dregs of his concentration he directed a tiny sliver of biotic power towards his right hand, twining the wisps of energy around his fingers and Shepard’s dick. To say that his efforts were appreciated would be an understatement. Shepard went rigid between his hands, muscles straining as he teetered at the edge of the precipice.
“Kaid- fuck, I’m gonna,” Shepard ground out just as his hips jerked and his hot come spilled over Kaidan’s fingers. His release made him boneless, a warm weight melting into Kaidan’s body, muscles utterly relaxed for the first time maybe in months.
Kaidan on the other hand was still tense as a bowstring, hips jerking in staccato rhythm against Shepard’s perfect ass. His left hand was clutching at bony hips, the tips of his fingers leaving indents in the scarred skin and his right tried to seek a spot he wouldn’t make a mess of either of them with Shepard’s come. Before he could come to a decision, strong hands wrapped around his wrist, pulling it from under the blanket. He was about to protest because of the cold but his words died on a choke as his sticky fingers were enveloped in a scorching heat.
Shepard hummed contentedly around the digits, tongue doing sinful things to them. Kaidan’s eyes almost rolled back in his head from the mental images this act conjured. He buried his face in the crook of Shepard's neck, eyes squeezed shut against the pressure he could feel building in every single part of his body.
John’s name became a broken prayer on his lips, one syllable murmured into sweat-damp skin like it was the only word that mattered. He was so close to his release he could practically taste it, yet he was almost afraid of letting go. Maybe this was all a hallucination, maybe they never made it out of the storm, maybe he went under the ice with Shepard, maybe-
“C’mon, Kaid,” Shepard slurred slightly, resting Kaidan’s now clean fingers against his lips. “I got you, ‘s okay babe.” Trust Shepard to know when Kaidan needed a push to get out of his own head.
The words were enough to make Kaidan focus again, letting his body to simply feel again. Feel how right Shepard’s form fitted against his own, how right he felt in his arms. His scent filling his head, god , he wanted to wake up every morning like this, surrounded by his warmth, his strength, feeling safe, being together…
His thoughts fractured against the white noise of utter bliss, his orgasm crushing every coherent thought in its wake. It felt like a minor eternity passed till his brain got back online, and Kaidan was hellbent on enjoying every second of it wrapped securely around Shepard.
Shepard seemed content to let Kaidan doze on his back indefinitely, but the sudden crakle of their comms had other ideas for them.
“Comman-er, d- you copy? I -peat, Commander Shepard, do you copy?” Vega’s deep voice filled the small space not unlike the man itself would. Shepard picked up his gauntlet from the floor with a deep sigh, grateful for Kaidan having the foresight keeping it nearby.
“Yes, I copy. How are the repairs going, Lieutenant?”
“Oh, thank fu- I mean it’s good to hear you, Sir! Esteban is all finished but we couldn’t get a read on your position till now.”
“Thank heavens for that,” mumbled Kaidan, lips ghosting against Shepard’s ear. Shepard tried to hide his answering chuckle in a cough.
“I-it must have been the storm messing with the signal, or maybe the water fucked something up in my emitter. When can we expect the evac?”
“Esteban says 6 minutes. And what water? Did you go and have fun without us again, Loco?” Vega sounded rather indignant.
“You could say that,” Shepard said with a smirk. “See you in 6, Vega.”
“Sure, keep your secrets. Vega out.”
Shepard threw the gauntlet to the floor and laid his head back on Kaidan’s shoulder. They had little time left in this bubble of privacy, but both of them were reluctant to be the first to burst it.
Kaidan was actually grateful for the silence, as he was utterly and completely at a loss for words. Everything he wanted to say felt too needy or pushy, his questions ranging from the moronic ‘So what now?’ to the juvenile ‘Does this mean you like me?’.
“So, what is your opinion about Blasto movies?” Shepard’s voice cut into the silence.
“Nothing? I haven’t seen any of them in ages, can’t really remember them at all.” Kaidan felt confused, like he missed a part of the conversation.
“Well that’s just not acceptable. We should remedy that as soon as possible. Tonight, in my cabin. You bring the booze, I’ll supply the entertainment?” Shepard rushed out in one breath, doubt creeping in only at the end. Kaidan could swear the man was running on bravado 75% of the time, so it felt touching to hear that sliver of uncertainty. Like Kaidan’s answer mattered, like Kaidan mattered.
“Sounds fun. 1900 works for you?” Kaidan answered, hiding the smile he felt coming in Shepard’s buzzcut.
“Yeah, sure. Prepare for the night of you life.” Shephard's grin was unhidden and infectious. Kadian really couldn’t help himself, could he?
“Oh, I’m counting on it,” he answered, turning Shepard’s head slightly so he could press a simple kiss on that wicked mouth.
The low rumble signaling the Kodiak’s arrival prodded them into action, quickly disentangling from each other. By the time Vega and Steve landed they were both mostly decent, only Shepard’s damp undersuit in his hands letting on that something was amiss.
That, and the smiles the first two human spectres were unable to hide. 1900 could not come soon enough.