Work Text:
“The thing about this whole being a god of a new universe thing,” John says, “is that it gets kind of boring after a while.”
His ceiling doesn’t answer.
“I don’t miss the game, really, because dying all of the time wasn’t great. But I miss having something to do other than sit around and be a god, I guess.”
His ceiling still doesn’t answer, just keeps its silent vigil far above. It’s the same view that John’s spent the better part of the last six months - and, honestly, the thirteen years before the game - staring at, and it hasn’t changed at all. It just keeps staring back down.
John’s phone buzzes, making the mattress vibrate just enough to make his shoulders tense. He tries to force himself to relax again with a long sigh. It’s probably Jade, because she’s been pestering John almost nonstop for weeks now. And while it’s not like he’s been ignoring her, necessarily, he hasn’t been answering her, necessarily. He knows it’s shitty, but he just hasn’t been able to work up the effort to hold a conversation.
His phone buzzes again. The windchimes in the yard whistle softly in the breeze. It’s been a long day, even though it’s only - John turns his head and squints at his clock - 11am. Well, shit.
John’s phone starts ringing, a loud and abrasive bark-based tune that Jade set as her own ringtone. And if Jade’s calling, that means she’s only one thought away from teleporting right into John’s room.
John considers letting that happen. It worked out fairly well last time; Jade dragged him off of his couch and took him to see a very rough play that some consorts were putting on about the return of their “gods,” and they’d had a really good time. That was nearly a month ago, though, and John hasn’t shaved at all or left his bed more than twice a day since then. He doesn’t want to see Jade look disappointed in him.
So, after two more missed calls worth of mental warm-ups, John sits up, grabs his glasses, and opens his phone.
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
EB: okay hi you can stop calling me now!
EB: sheesh
GG: john!!!
GG: are you okay??
GG: you haven’t answered me for weeks
GG: i was this close to coming over there but dave said i should give you your space or something :/
EB: i know, i know
EB: i’m sorry, jade
EB: i just haven’t felt up to talking, i guess
GG: is everything alright?
EB: yeah!
EB: i mean
EB: we’re gods, it’s not like anything can be wrong
GG: hm i guess so!!!
GG: still though i think you should get out of the house more!
GG: i’m going on a picnic with jake later, would you wanna come too?
GG: i’m sure he won’t mind at all!!
EB: hm yeah okay
EB: what time?
GG: we’re meeting at two!
John checks the clock - 11:27. Yeah, okay, he can hypothetically make himself at least seem okay by two. It’ll be fine. Leaving the house will get Jade to relax for a bit, and then he can keep… well, doing whatever this is.
EB: okay, see you then!
GG: see you!! :D
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
John shuts his phone off with a sigh. He already sort of regrets making plans, but it’s fine, he swears. It’s all totally and completely fine. He’s a god living in the paradise he created with his best friends, and everything is fine.
Still, though, it takes almost an hour for him to work up the motivation to get out of bed and drag himself into the bathroom.
Okay, okay, maybe everything’s not fine, John admits once he’s staring at himself in the tellingly dusty surface of his bathroom mirror, Barbasol in hand and lump in his throat for no reason he can quite name.
He doesn’t think it’s a dad thing, necessarily, because he gets to see Jane’s dad whenever he wants and he likes to think he’s made peace with all of that by now, but at the same time, the razor on the counter seems to know it’s about to be picked up by an untrained hand. John ended up learning to shave from Davesprite on the boat, and it was fine, but… Davesprite had technically been taught by Dave’s Bro, which is a whole other can of phallic, plush worms in and of itself, and it just wasn’t the father-son moment John had grown up waiting for.
Then again, though, when has anything since the game began been the moment John had grown up waiting for?
John sighs, avoiding his own eyes as he half-heartedly wipes some of the dust off of the mirror. There’s no getting around it, though: he looks like shit. There are deep bags under his eyes even though he’s pretty much been doing nothing but sleeping, and the entire lower half of his face is covered with uneven stubble that’s almost outgrown that title.
Something about his reflection feels bad in a way that sits lower in John’s stomach than the clean-shaven Egbert mantra he’s had internalized for years. It’s a deep discomfort that he’s not entirely unused to, which means that he’s also not unused to pushing it so far down that he can barely even feel it anymore. And so that’s what he does as he picks up the razor and blows out a sigh.
*
“John! You showed up!”
John lifts a hand in greeting as he comes to a gentle landing next to the picnic blanket Jade has laid out.
“You’re late, though, Jake just left.”
John plops down next to his ecto-sister and crosses his legs. “Yeah, I know, sorry. I didn’t really feel like being double social today.”
“Oh, that’s okay!” Jade says quickly. She smiles at John, bright and almost as overstimulating as the sun above. “I still have some food left, do you want ham and cheese or PB&J - specially made without actual peanuts, of course. And please don’t say you’re not hungry, because if I have to give any consorts the extra food, they’ll keep following me for years, and I love those guys but not that much!”
“Uh….” John says. “I’ll take the PB&J?”
Jade hands over the sandwich, and John rests it on his thigh in a way that hopefully says I’m definitely going to eat this at some point while I’m here!
“Uh, so how is Jake doing? How are you?” John asks after a long moment of silence.
“I’m good, and so is Jake,” Jade says. Her hands idly move in her lap as she plays with the size of a
rock. It’s almost mesmerizing to watch as it grows and shrinks, grows and shrinks. “He was sorry he missed you, but he had some sort of TV interview to get to.”
John hums in an empty acknowledgment of her words. The sun is still sitting above, staring down like the audience in a Roman Coliseum, and the world feels too loud. His head aches with the unfamiliarity of being outside, being around other people, and he doesn’t want to throw a classic Egbert tantrum but it’s looking like it’s going to be that or a complete break and -
“John. Are you okay?”
The rock that Jade was playing with now sits next to her knee, just touching the corner of a band-aid peeking out from her skirt, and her hands are on John’s shoulders. “You started breathing really fast, is something wrong?”
“Uh - “ John swallows hard. The sun passes behind a cloud. He forces himself to take some deep breaths before looking back up at Jade’s concerned face. “Yeah, just - I haven’t been outside in a while.”
Jade sits up slightly, taking her hands away from John’s shoulders and reaching for her phone. “Do you.. want me to call Rose?”
John shakes his head. The PB&J slides from his thigh to the picnic blanket. With the sun gone, he’s suddenly not sure of what he was freaking out about, or why he’s been avoiding everyone, or why he can’t seem to shake the melancholy that seems to have been handed to him along with the new Earth. “No, I don’t want her to be worried.”
Jade’s face shifts into a literal embodiment of the :/ emoticon. “We’re all worried, though. You haven’t left your house in ages, and you never answer anyone’s messages, and Rose already thinks you’re depressed.”
John pauses for a moment to take that in. He thinks he might’ve been surprised by that a while ago, but honestly… it makes sense. He knows that he’s being unhealthy and that he hypothetically can’t keep doing this forever. He rubs his hand across his face, getting his glasses dirty but not bothering to wipe them off, and says, “Well, since Rose is such an expert, what does she think I should do? And how long has she been trying to make you get me out of the house?”
Jade huffs at that, the sound a little less human than it used to be, and folds her arms. “Don’t you dare pull an Egbert tantrum on me right now, okay? We’re all just trying to help, and Rose didn’t make me do anything! I just wanted to see you.”
“Okay, okay, sorry. Just - I’m sure Rose already has some sort of plan or something.”
Jade waits for a moment, as if making sure that John’s not about to blow up, then says, “Well, she has a lot of plans, because she’s Rose, but, um…. she thinks you should talk to Roxy, mostly.”
John winces slightly - Roxy’s another person he’s been ignoring a lot, although he’s not sure what she has to do with any of this. “Why Roxy?”
“Um, it’s just what Rose thinks will help!” Jade says. “I.. look, John, I want to help you, but I’m really not the right person for this, I don’t think. But Roxy will help.”
“Okay?” John’s honestly more confused now, but he makes a mental note to at least try to talk to Roxy. “Thanks, I think?”
Jade looks like she’s about to say something else before changing her mind and pulling John into a hug.
John almost surprises himself with how long he holds on before they break apart.
*
ectobiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
EB: hey roxy!
EB: rose and jade said i should talk to you?
EB: they didn’t really say why other than rose thinking i’m depressed but
EB: here i am i guess!
TG: heyyyyy
TG: bout time u stopped ignorin me smh
TG: nyway so u came to ole roxy for some advice!
TG: wats the haps?
EB: i’m not even sure!
EB: i guess i’d like to know why i feel so shitty when we won the game and everything’s supposed to be perfect?
TG: i totes feel that
TG: or well ig its more like i totes FELT that
TG: i had to do some ~self exploration~
TG: and now im back to doin great!
EB: hm.
EB: i don’t know if that’ll help me too much
EB: i feel pretty good in my identity i think!
TG: hmm do i sense some INSECURITY?
TG: *wonk*
TG: *wonk wonk wonk wonk wonk*
EB: okay you don’t have to wonk!
EB: i mean wink
TG: (… *wonk* )
EB: i don’t think i have insecurity though! i feel fine except for like. all of this depression stuff?
TG: are you SUREEEE?
TG: (*wonk wonk wonk*)
EB: i mean
EB: i don’t even know what you’re trying to get at here!
EB: i am not a homosexual! and that wouldn’t make me depressed anyway!
TG: yes i know ur not gay john
TG: lmao look rose said she was gonna tell jade to tell u to talk to me but
TG: i don’t think ur quite ready for the ROXY!!
TG: assumin rose is right about her weird rose theories anyway
TG: i’m gonna take a wild guess here and say that ur prob just havin a depressive episode and that if u stop isolatin urself and actually like
TG: leave ur house sometimes
TG: ull start to feel better!
EB: i’m still a little confused, but yeah, you’re probably right.
EB: thanks, roxy!
EB: all of you girls are so confusing but still. thanks!
TG: wait wait wait wait wiat
TG: *wait
TG: john, u do know im not a girl right??
EB: ...no? what?
TG: oh boy
TG: ok everything makes a lot more sense now lmao
TG: i forgot ur so out of the loop!
EB: are you telling me you’re actually a boy?
EB: this is kind of an elaborate prank for it not being april.
TG: *LE SIGN*
TG: ok hang on and shush for a few secs
TG: hehe secs
TG: ok but no seriously just gimme a sec and ill explain
TG: sooo basicallly when i was talkin about all of that
TG: ~self exploration~
TG: which now that i think abt it kinda sounds like somethin else but
TG: ANYWAY
TG: basically for a long time i was feelin really similar to the way u are right now, like i was all sad and didn’t wanna hang out w anyone
TG: i talked to dirk abt it which was… an interesting decision ofc
TG: but basically i ended up realizing that i wasn’t a girl like i always thought!
TG: so to answer ur question
TG: this isn’t a prank, im really trans
TG: im not quite a boy tho, im somethin more in the middle!!
TG: so yeah if u could use they/them pronouns for me and not call me a girl and all that jazz
TG: thatd be lit!
TG: uhhh yeah did all of that make sense or
EB: hm. i think so!
EB: i don’t quite get how you can just decide you’re not a girl, or why you wouldn’t want to be one! girls are awesome!
EB: but if this makes you happy then i’m happy for you :B
TG: :’) thank u john
TG: well now that i cleared all that shit up
TG: do u have any thoughts??
TG: *wonk*
EB: uh. no, not really?
EB: i’m happy for you but i don’t really see how any of this applies to me? i’m already not a girl.
EB: thanks again though!
EB: i think i need to go chill because this has been a lot of socialization but i’ll try not to disappear this time hehe.
TG: ok well i’m here if u ever wanna chat!
TG: bye!!
EB: :B
ectobiologist [EB] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
ectobiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
EB: hey rose!
EB: can we talk?
TT: Hello, John.
TT: I believe we already are, but feel free to continue on with whatever it is you’re intending to talk about.
TT: I’m going to assume it’s your depression and other related matters. Am I correct?
EB: well, i mean. yes.
EB: especially if by “related matters” you mean whatever you’ve been talking to jade and roxy about!
EB: i just talked to roxy and it sounded like you were talking to them about me, and i’d kind of like to know what you were saying.
TT: Huh, I didn’t think Roxy would mention me. Interesting.
TT: What did they talk to you about?
EB: um a whole bunch of stuff about gender?
EB: and they said that you said they were going to tell jade to talk to me, which she did, and they said that you have quote unquote rose theories about me.
TT: Hm. Interesting.
TT: I guess theories are one way of describing what I have, although I’ve personally been defining them as unconfirmed diagnoses.
TT: I also think that it’s best for you to reach some conclusions on your own if I ever want to confirm anything.
EB: okay i /guess/ that makes sense but still!! if you’re talking about me i want to know!
TT: Yes, I suppose I should’ve assumed you would.
TT: Hm. Well, John, all that I really think I should tell you is that I think you should listen to Roxy.
EB: yes i got the memo that i should actually leave my house sometimes by now! jeez!
TT: That’s good, but that’s not quite what I meant.
TT: John, why did you try to name Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer “Casey?”
EB: because casey is her name!!
EB: and because casey poe is one of the best characters of all time, obviously.
EB: dear, sweet casey.
EB: what does this have to do with anything, though?
TT: I’m just curious.
TT: Why do you like Casey so much?
EB: because she’s AMAZING!! she is basically the perfect fictional daughter for nic cage and she is a wonderful actress and because she is in one of the best movies of all time.
EB: duh.
TT: Interesting.
TT: Why didn’t you name her after Cameron Poe instead?
EB: because she is obviously a girl and girls are great!
EB: like, seriously, i think 99% of the girls i know are so great and badass.
EB: you included!
EB: and that’s the kind of legacy dear sweet salamander casey deserves to step into.
TT: I see.
TT: John, do you like being male?
EB: i mean… what else would i be?
EB: i guess it’s alright, i’ve never really thought about it.
EB: do you like being a girl?
TT: I do, actually. I’ve given it a fair amount of thought, especially in the wake of Roxy coming out, and I’ve come to the conclusion that being a girl is quite excellent.
EB: well good for you then!
EB: like i said, girls are pretty cool in my experience.
TT: Mhm.
TT: Did this answer your questions about my theories?
EB: uhh, no?
EB: i thought we had completely moved on from that.
TT: I know I’ve been sounding like a broken record today, but..
TT: Interesting.
TT: Well, anyway. I think this is about as much as I’m going to be able to help you today. I’m always here to listen to you if you need, though, obviously, and I won’t even directly psychoanalyze you while I do if you don’t want.
EB: hehe.
EB: thanks, i think.
EB: i might be even more confused but hey, i might have to take you up on that offer of listening.
TT: Alright.
TT: Please do leave the house sometimes, and if you need me to alchemize some anti-depressants, let me know.
EB: okay!
EB: talk to you soon.
TT: Bye, John.
ectobiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
John puts his phone away with a confused sigh, looking away almost as soon as he meets his own eyes in the indistinct reflection of the blank TV. The sun is setting, and the last few rays seem to be aimed directly at John’s living room, casting the entire room in a strange, orange light.
John looks up at the ceiling. It offers no clarification for any of the whirling thoughts in his brain. God, today’s been confusing, so many words and people and it’s all just a bit overwhelming.
Strangely, though, one question seems to be a little more present in the mental whirlwind than the rest. It’s one of Rose’s. Do you like being male? A weird question made weirder by its and the day’s context, weirder still by the fact that John… doesn’t actually know the answer when he tries to think of it.
“Huh,” he says. It sounds impossibly loud in the quiet house.
Does he like being a guy? What does that even mean? It’s not like he could be anything else, right?
But you could be, a little voice suddenly says, creeping up from the back of his mind. Roxy’s something else, Roxy’s not a girl.
John ponders this piece of information for a long, long moment. He’s not stupid, he knows about gay and trans people and all of that, he’s just…. removed from it. He’s nothing like that. Obviously. But something about Rose’s words refuse to leave him alone. What if he doesn’t like being male?
Talking to another person right now feels like a bad idea, but John doesn’t think there’s any way for him to stop himself from reaching into his pocket, pulling out his phone, and opening Pesterchum once more.
ectobiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
EB: how did you realize you’re not a girl?
TG: wow way 2 open the conversation
TG: hi john, how are u, nice to hear from u
TG: mhm yes small talk small talk small talk
TG: ok now youve unlocked conversation level three which is the gender level
TG: so ask away!!!
EB: uh.
EB: sorry, that wasn’t a good way to open this at all.
EB: i was just talking to rose and she asked me if i liked being a boy and i don’t actually know what it feels like to like being a certain way or not.
EB: and i thought you might be able to help with that?
TG: wow rose works fast /span>
TG: just like ZOOMIN w this pyschology shit
TG: *psychology god i hate that word
TG: nyway lmao!
TG: hmm whats the best way to answer this
TG: lets start w this how about
TG: how do u feel when i say that you are my bff which stands for Boy friend forever
TG: (boy friend w a space obvs lmao)
EB: pretty flattered i think!
EB: considering that we’re gods i think it’s pretty cool that you want to be friends forever :B
TG: oh boy
TG: im glad ur flattered but thats not rly what i was goin for lol
TG: think abt it this way. if im talking to dave and i say “look at that dude over there! its john! wow what a cool guy he is!”
TG: do u vibe more w that or w smth like
TG: “wow look over there its john! what a cool person!”
EB: hm. i guess if what you’re asking is how i feel about people repeatedly acknowledging my gender when they refer to me, it’s not that great, i guess.
EB: being a guy isn’t really all that relevant to just kind of how i am? i don’t know.
EB: something about the second one just feels sorta better i think.
TG: hmmmm interesting!!!
TG: i def see wat ur sayin there and i RELATE! gender is so wacky huh
EB: i guess it kind of is!
EB: i don’t… can i be a guy if i don’t really like being called a guy?
EB: wait that was kind of a stupid question.
TG: why?? i didnt think it was stupid!
TG: i think thats totes possible! but i also think it could totes mean that u might not be a guy!
EB: but it’s not like i can just be something else if i decide i don’t want to be a boy all of a sudden.
TG: john ily
TG: but sometimes u rly are kinda dense
TG: remembre all of that stuff we just talked abt a few minutes ago abt me? i realized i wasnt as comfy w being a girl as id thought and so i decided i was more comfortable being smth else
TG: i didnt like CHOOSE to b somethin else yk but i chose to start bein myself in a way that was actually comfy
TG: and that works for “””boys””” too!!
TG: if ur not super duper comfy bein called a guy n ur more comfy bein called somethin else thats totes cool!
EB: hm.
EB: i don’t know.
EB: i don’t know what else i’d want to be! i didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning and now i’m trying to think about all of this and i think my brain is probably going to melt!
TG: thats vv understandable
TG: this sort of thing can b hella scary to talk abt so we can stop if u want! im sure today has been a lot
TG: can i just ask u one more thing tho? I think itll help u at least start answerin some of ur questions
EB: sure?
TG: ok
TG: im gonna say three sentences and i just want u to think abt which one (if any!!) makes u feel good
TG: or which ones if theres multiple!
TG: u dont have to tell me or anythin, i just figured this might help a lil
EB: ok!
TG: ok 1. john egbert is vvvv great, and he is one of my bfffffs!! (best friends 4ever!!!)
TG: 2. john egbert is vvvv great, and they are one of my bfffls! (best friends forever 4 life!!!)
TG: 3. john egbert is vvvv great, and she is one of my bfffeal!! (best friends forever even after life!!)
EB: hm.
EB: i..
EB: i think i need to think about this a little bit.
EB: thank you roxy!
EB: would it be okay if i maybe came and asked you some more questions sometime?
TG: aw yeah ofc!! anytime!!
TG: ttyl!
ectobiologist [EB] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
John stares down at his phone screen for a long, long time. He has a feeling that he might have lines and lines of pink text permanently imprinted on his brain by the time he shuts his phone off and drops it face down onto the couch next to himself.
Even once the phone’s off, though, he can’t stop repeating the third sentence over and over again his head. That one little word - she - makes him feel like he’s at the neighborhood pool with his dad, and he’s in that space between the edge of the diving board and the first cold contact with the 9-foot waters of the deep end. Its implications aren’t hard to figure out, of course, and from there, neither are Rose’s theories or anything else about today, but John refuses to think them. He’s John, okay, he doesn’t do things like that, those are the things and thoughts he leaves to Dave and Karkat and Rose and Kanaya and Roxy and Callie and Dirk and Jake and just… not him. Nope, not John Egbert.
He falls asleep on the couch only a few minutes later, his phone digging uncomfortably into his side, still feeling like he’s in that split second of suspension over the deep waters below.
*
When John wakes up the next morning, all he wants to do is roll over and go back to sleep. His back aches from being contorted on the couch all night long, he’s groggy, and he remembers his dreams just enough to know that they were more of the usual bullshit left over from the game. It’s not the kind of waking up that makes him want to do anything but forget it happened.
Yesterday still rings in his head, though, and he knows that he needs to just get the fuck up. He’s a god, and there’s no point in being immortal if he never does anything.
So John pulls himself up, dissolving into the wind just long enough to ease the aching out of his back, and resolves to go fly around for just long enough to say he’s left the house.
He’s not quite sure what season it is, but there’s already a cool breeze whipping around when he steps out onto his balcony, ducking to avoid the trailing end of a faded birthday banner. His house is pretty out of the way, but he can see the shimmering spires of Consort Kingdom in the distance. The soft sound of windchimes blows up from the yard. John closes his eyes and takes flight.
Flying is good in a way few things have been in a while. John’s not sure how long it’s been since the last time he just flew, no destination in mind, just letting the wind carry him over the different kingdoms and letting himself dissolve just enough to not worry about crashing into anything. He’d forgotten how much he loved it.
John lets himself drift for the next three days, alternating between following and leading the wind as it blows across the planet. He flies over to and then past Consort Kingdom, smiling a little as he watches brightly colored salamanders wander around aimlessly, exchanging fedoras and other head objects of various levels of crumpled-ness. He flies past a large Skaianet billboard, an advertisement for Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch, one of Jane’s skyscrapers, one of Jake’s mansions, Rose and Kanaya’s small, cozy hive, Dirk’s workshop, Dave and Karkat’s home.
It’s still and will probably always be amazing to see what his friends are doing, but… it does remind him of the fact that he’s doing nothing. He’s just John Egbert, Moper Extraordinaire, Mr. Nothing Special Aside From The Windy Thing And Maybe Also The Zap Thing But That’s Not Really Relevant Anymore. Hell, he can’t even work out whether or not calling himself “Mr.” like that feels comfortable, and whoops, he did not mean to open that particular can of worms right now.
Suddenly and overwhelminngly tired, John sighs and comes to a halt on top of some random, towering structure on the outskirts of Old Can Town, sitting down on the edge and dangling his legs over the side. It takes a moment for him to adjust to having an actual body again, and when he does, it’s only the fact that his brain is being taken up by questions instead of windy thoughts that keeps him from taking off once more.
God. He doesn’t want to have to think about this stuff, but it’s here now, and it doesn’t seem inclined to go away any time soon.
The fact is that when Roxy sent that third sentence the last time they talked, something in John’s chest lit up, and he’s 90% sure that it wasn’t just because Roxy said he was their best friend. He’s 90% sure that it’s because he liked being called she, and the implications of that - because he knows them, he’s many things but, contrary to what seems to be popular belief, stupid is not one of them - almost feel scarier than facing Jack Noir or Lord English ever did.
It’s scary, and it’s overwhelming, and he swears he can already feel stubble starting to creep back onto his face and he hates it, and all he can think to do is text Roxy.
ectobiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
EB: hey roxy!
EB: i’m sorry to keep bugging you, but do you have a minute?
TG: yeah ofc!
TG: wats the haps on this fine morning?
EB: well first off i actually left the house so. go me!
TG: woohoo!!
EB: hehe.
EB: so i’ve been just flying around and i started thinking about some of the stuff we were talking about the other day.
EB: and i guess what i’m trying to say is that it made me really happy when you called me she but i don’t know why.
EB: well. i guess i do know why but it doesn’t make any sense!! and i don’t know if i want it to!
TG: ahhh ok i see
TG: hmmm
TG: ok well just know that i def understand where ur comin from!!
TG: when i first realized i rly vibed w using they/them pronouns i had a big ol FREAKOUT
TG: but then i told myself to just chill out bc i was mainly worried abt everyone freaking their shit out but obvs that wasnt an issue
TG: im gonna guess thats not whats making u freak tho?
EB: yeah i don’t think that’s really it.
EB: i guess it’s like… if i want to start using she/her pronouns, that makes me a girl, right?
TG: not necesesarily!
TG: *necessarily wtf
TG: ur pronouns dont have to equal ur gender but based off of some of the stuff u said the other day would it be too wrong of me to assume that ur not super comfy bein a dude?
EB: … yeah, not really
EB: i guess i never really gave it much thought before, but the more i think about it… i’m really just not.
TG: thats totes a mood!
TG: again tho that doesnt mean that ur automatically a girl, u could b smth in between or smth else entirely
TG: genders kinda cool like that
EB: i mean i guess so.
EB: i think i wouldn’t mind being a girl! all of the girls i know are kind of complete badasses and just super cool. girls in general are just super cool.l
EB: but if i was a girl wouldn’t i have known before now? i’m pretty sure this is the sort of thing that you’re supposed to figure out like… before you’re this old.
TG: ok theres a lot to unpack there lmao lets take this one thing at a time
TG: yes all of the girls we know are complete badasses
TG: (and i love them so much)
TG: and theres no deadline on figuring ur shit out! i mean look at me, i took AGES to even start thinking abt anythin like this
TG: and last did u know that wanting to be a girl is p much a symptom of being a girl?
TG: like ur in charge of this whole ur gender thing!
TG: u can do whatever u want however u wanna do it and if u think being a girl would b cool, then u can go for it!
TG: genders basically fake nyway especially here so theres like no rules
EB: huh.
EB: i never really thought about it like that.
EB: i guess… i mean does it really even matter if i call myself a girl or not? i can just do what i want?
TG: exactly!! ur never under any pressure to pick a label or anyth like that
EB: hm.
John looks up from his phone for a minute and stares up at the sky. It’s a cloudy day, and the entire sky seems to be nothing but pale gray nothingness. John Egbert is a girl, he thinks, testing the words and trying to imagine how they’d sound. I’m a girl.
It’s like something clicks, like that light in his chest has settled into a bulb, contained and controlled but brighter for it, and John feels overcome with a rush of a strange, nervous adrenaline. He picks his phone back up.
EB: i think i might still want to try it, though.
EB: being called a girl i mean.
EB: and the she/her pronouns, i think i want to try those too.
EB: just to see what it’s like, i guess. and i know no one would freak out but maybe we can kinda keep this between you and me for right now?
TG: ok!!
TG: sounds gucci
EB: thanks, roxy :B
EB: you’re the best!
TG: i try lol
TG: oh shit hang on i think i smell smth burnin in the kitchen lemme go make sure callies not tryin to cook again
TG: ill talk to u later tho miss egbert!! :D
tipsyGnostalgic[TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
John shuts her phone off with a click and stands up. The old building she’s standing on sways slightly, but it honestly feels stable compared to her life right now. Everything feels a bit like it’s spiraling out of control, moving too fast, but …. it’s really, really good. And John already knows that she’s going to be thinking of Roxy’s last message and smiling for probably the next week, and that still feels too big and too scary, but… it’s really, really, good.
*
ectobiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
EB: hey roxy are you there?
TG: yepppp!
TG: perf timing actually i just finished helpin callie paint their nails
TG: OMG john we need to paint ur nails sometime!!! thatd be so cute!
EB: that does sound pretty fun hehe.
EB: how’s callie by the way? tell them i say hi!
TG: ok one sec
TG: they say hi back!! and also that u can just text them too yk
EB: i knowwwwwwww.
EB: hehe 8 ws.
TG: so what brings u into my dms on this fine morning?
TG: wonk but not like WONK wonk ofc
EB: half-wonk?
TG: exactly.
EB: anyway i guess i’ve just been thinking about my name a lot lately.
EB: john’s a good name, don’t get me wrong, especially considering how many times nic cage has played someone named john.
EB: but i’m kind of getting sick of it!
EB: like the other day, i was getting coffee, and you know how i’ve been growing my hair out, right?
TG: yep! and it looks super cute!! i forgot to tell u after i saw u the other day but ur serving looks out here!!
EB: hehe thank you. :B
EB: so while i was out getting coffee, the barista called me ma’am which was super exciting! i’m still not used to that especially because you and callie are the only ones i’m out to and all that so it’s always very cool when it happens.
EB: but then she asked for my name and i said john, and then she apologized and started calling me sir! i told her it was fine and all that but we were kind of done interacting at that point and i wasn’t going to make it a whole conversation.
TG: i have BEEN THERE oh em gee welcome to being trans in public!
TG: i can def see why that would make u want to change ur name tho!
TG: do u have any ideas for what u would want it to be?
EB: i have no idea!
EB: i kinda want to keep it at least sort of close to john, but i really don’t know.
EB: jane already took jane, jade took jade, and the only other thing i can think of is jenny.
TG: ew yeah noah fence but neither of those sound like u
TG: hmmmmm
TG: j….asmine?
EB: no.
TG: yeah no def not
TG: ok according to thebump dot com which is a wild name for a website julissa is v popular rite now
EB: ew!
EB: ok i’m on the same site and… some of these people just don’t know how to spell.
TG: ur so right
TG: perhaps the internet wasnt the best place to look for this
TG: hmmmmm
EB: hmmmm!
EB: jasey in honor of casey poe.
TG: notjohn ilu dearly but if u name urself jasey i dont think ill ever be able to speak to u again
EB: ok i don’t think i could even blame you for that one.
EB: hm.
EB: this is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
TG: yeah names are rly hard! i thought abt changing mine for a while there but i couldnt think of anything that i liked
TG: ooh hey i have an idea actually!
TG: what do u think abt june?
EB: :0
EB: i.. love that actually?
EB: i think i’ll give it a shot!
EB: thanks roxy :B.
TG: np june!!!
TG: omg thats so cute
TG: so just checking, ur cool if i call u june around callie but no one else right?
EB: yeah!
EB: although i guess i should probably start thinking about coming out to people soon huh.
EB: now that i’ve actually started leaving my house everyone’s been asking me about the hair and stuff a lot, and i’m getting so tired of hearing the wrong pronouns all the time!
TG: thats vv understandable!!
TG: but also remember that theres no rush! u dont have to come out to everyone all at once and theres no deadline on it
TG: its all abt what ur most comfy with!!
TG: and hey from my experience everyones gonna be pretty chill abt it lol, even if it takes them a lil bit to get the pronouns right
TG: but like i said!! its all abt what makes u comfy
EB: i know.
EB: i’ll do it eventually hehe.
EB: anyway, did you still want to go get lunch on saturday?
June and Roxy talk for a while longer, until June’s phone starts flashing low battery signals in between every other message. June sighs.
EB: i should probably go charge my phone and also get off of this couch, but i’ll see you saturday!
EB: and thanks again for all of the help.<./span>
TG: ur welc!! bye june!!
EB: :B
ectobiologist [EB]ceased pesteringtipsyGnostalgic [TG]
June stares at that last message from Roxy, the one with her name in it, for a long moment before shutting her phone off and standing up from the couch. June. It’s… kind of the perfect name, honestly, it’s close to John without being obvious about it, it’s not “Johnette,” and it fits the four letter name convention that plagues her entire human family and friend group.
“My name is June,” she whispers to herself, and her chest lights up in a way that not even the pronouns made it. A light breeze starts to whip around the house, brushing her hair over her shoulders and rustling the leaves of one of the many houseplants Jade’s given her over the past few months. God. She really does need to start coming out to people, she knows that there’s literally no precedent for any of her friends to be shitty about it, she knows that Jade and Rose and therefore probably Dave practically already know and that it’s a miracle they haven’t been asking her about it any more after that one day, but… it’s still absolutely terrifying to even think about it.
June looks up at the ceiling and pushes her hands up under her glasses so she can rub her eyes. Okay, no. It’s going to be fine. Everyone pretty much knows anyway, and hey, if she comes out, maybe she’ll really start having fun hanging out with people again. Okay. Yeah. She can do this.
Maybe she’ll tell Rose first. Rose is the one that started all this, after all, she’s obviously known for a while even if she doesn’t know, and she’s… she’s not Jade, who sometimes can be even more dense than June about queer stuff and is family, and she’s not Dave, who might freak out about the sacred bro bond being altered. Yeah, that’s a good idea. She’ll come out to Rose, and then Rose will know how to tell everyone else, and everything will be okay.
June takes a deep breath and sits back on the couch. She draws her knees up to her chest and picks her phone up, going so far as to open Pesterchum and click on Rose’s handle before a message from Dave comes in and she freezes.
TG: hey john
TG: i know youre busy being depressed and all that but according to karkat ive been moping lately
TG: just wandering around the house like a thirteen year old that just discovered my chemical romance
TG: and theyre all upset because they know that gerard way is the only person that can ever understand them now
TG: so anyway karkat thinks im lacking on bro time or some shit which is stupid because i hang out with dirk like every other work at least
TG: it did get me thinking though and i realized we havent actually hung out in a while
TG: so yeah if you wanna come over and play some tony hawk
TG: or i can come over there im not picky
TG: just gotta get my bro time in
TG: shut up some and let my bro chime in
TG: tony hawk pro skater three
TG: you know i got that shit for free
TG: cause
TG: im a god just like my cuz
TG: by which i mean my cousin
TG; and im just gonna quit while im ahead here actually but
TG: you
TG: me
TG: epic bro hangouts
TG: where making it hapen
Making it happen indeed, June supposes. She opens her chat with Dave, takes a deep breath, and starts to type.
EB: hey dave!
EB: i didn’t read most of that but “epic bro hangouts” sound good.
TG: of course they sound good john
TG: epic bro hangouts are the best hangouts and everyone knows it
TG: these hangouts are gonna be off the shits
TG: the shits arent even gonna know what the hangouts are because theyre gonna be so far off
TG: just zooming into space away from the shits
EB: ...
TG: when are you free
EB: pretty much whenever!
EB: um.
Okay, yep, she’s doing this. She’s going to do this and it’s not at all according to the plan she came up with five minutes ago, but it’s going to happen. It’s fine. It’s Dave. Dave will understand, everyone will stay firmly acquainted with the handle and it’ll be fine.
EB: can i tell you something, dave?
Okay. Okay.
TG: oh shit look out everyone
TG: john egberts gonna tell me something
TG: maybe hes finally had his gay awakening
TG: who did it for you
TG: was it obama
TG: im guessing that it was obama
EB: no i didn’t have an obama-related gay awakening!!
EB: not everyone is you!
TG: okay look
TG: i cant even argue with that
TG: man i love obama
TG: i miss him so much
TG: but anyway nuff about me
TG: go for it
TG: spill the tea as the kids say
EB: i… don’t know what i was expecting but jesus christ, dave.
EB: anyway. um.
EB: i feel like you maybe already know? or at least if you’ve talked to rose you probably suspect?
EB: um. has rose talked to you about me?
TG: i mean
TG: yeah
TG: but nothing serious just kind of like “heres a funny story about john” or “dave please make john leave his house” but yeah thats it
EB: oh okay.
EB: well hm i’m not sure how to start this then.
EB: um.
TG: john unless youre confessing your undying gay love for me theres nothing you can say right now that would make me bat an eyelid
TG: shit is it eyelash
TG: nevermind i mean even that wouldnt freak me out
TG: it might cause some issues because of the whole thing with karkat you know but im willing to make it work
TG: anything for my best bro
EB: dave. im not in undying gay love with you.
EB: sorry to disappoint!
TG: shut up and stop stalling
TG: just tell me whats up
TG: like im santa and youre sitting on my lap but instead of asking what you want for christmas im actually therapist santa
TG: so tell me whats going on
EB: okay okay!!
EB: geez.
EB: um.
EB: well a little while ago rose apparently had all these theories about me and i talked to roxy a lot.
TG: oh god please dont tell me youre marrying roxy
TG: like itd be cute sure but they are kind of my parent
TG: i dont know if i could handle my best bro being my stepfather
EB: dave!!
EB: i’m not marrying roxy! they’re very wonderful but not like that.
EB: i was talking to them about um. gender stuff?
EB: and so basically um.
EB: jeez why is this so hard to talk about!!
EB: i dont want to stop being bros with you of course but. im a girl?
There it is. Fuck. That’s… terrifying on so many levels. But it’s there, and it’s out of June’s hands now.
TG: john
TG: being bros transcends gender
TG: once the bro bond has been forged from the fires of
TG: uh
TG: the fires of coolness and friendship
TG: it just cant be broken
TG: so congrats on figuring that shit out
TG: any different pronouns or names or anything
TG: also who are you out to right now
EB: oh um. she/her! and i’m trying june right now?
TG: very nice
TG: i appreciate you staying in the four letter wheelhouse
EB: and i’m only out to you and roxy! i’ve been meaning to tell jade and rose and everyone else but i just haven’t yet.
TG: oh shit so im like the first person youve actually come out to
TG: damn june
TG: thats kind of an honor thank you
EB: hehe. you’re welcome i guess?
EB: thanks for being cool about it. :B
TG: june
TG: my good friend june egbert
TG: did you think that i
TG: dave fucking strider
TG: would be uncool about something
EB: … good point.
EB: but thanks anyway.
TG: are you going to come out to the other girls soon
TG: like theres no rush obviously but if youre worried about them i can promise you that theyre not gonna be weird about it
TG: rose is dating an alien lesbian vampire and jade is jade
TG: so dont psych yourself out of it you know
EB: yeah, i know!
EB: it’s still intimidating but i do feel bad about keeping it a secret from them.
EB: i’ll get around to it soon!
EB: in the meantime, though, do you still wanna play tony hawk?
TG: oh HELL yes
June and Dave make plans for Dave to come over in about an hour, and when June finally puts her phone down, she’s smiling in a way she hasn’t in a while. Okay. That went well, better than she really knew that it could. Dave knows, someone other than Roxy knows, and the world is still intact. Everything is okay.
June stands up from the couch and stretches, letting herself dissolve into the air so she can go for a quick flight before Dave arrives. She’ll tell Rose and Jade soon, and it’ll be fine. It’s all going to be fine.
*
ectobiologist [EB]invitedtentacleTherapist [TT]andgardenGnostic [GG]to the chat
tentacletherapist [TT]accepted!
gardenGnostic [GG]accepted!
EB: hi guys!
TT: Hi, John.
GG: hi! :D
GG: it’s nice to actually hear from you!
TT: Why isn’t Dave here?
TT: It’s not close enough to his birthday for a surprise party, so either this is an intervention or a secret.
EB: it’s neither of those actually!
EB: well i guess it’s sort of a secret but not from dave, and not from either of you in a minute.
GG: is everything okay??
EB: yeah everything’s good!
EB: um. i think you guys pretty much know what’s going on anyway?
EB: but i figured i should probably just come right out and tell you hehe.
TT: Ah, okay.
GG: well you know you can tell us anything!!
EB: i know!
EB: um so i’m sure you guys remember a little while ago when rose had her “theories” about me and stuff and you guys made me talk to roxy.
TT: Yes, I remember.
GG: yep!
TT: I’m guessing you kept talking to Roxy, then.
EB: i did!
EB: so i guess this isn’t much of a surprise but i did lots of “~self exploration~”
EB: which isn’t masturbation by the way.
TT: I assumed.
GG: so what did all of the ~self exploration~ do?
EB: well there’s no point behind vague about i guess.
EB: i realized that i’m a girl!
GG: :0 that’s awesome!!!
TT: Oh, thank fuck.
TT: No offense, but I’ve suspected for years now, and I was getting a little afraid that you would never put the pieces together.
GG: we’ve been knew!!
EB: hehe. i kind of figured as much.
EB: so i’m not out to jake or dirk or jane or dad yet, i kind of want to wait on all that for a bit.
EB: but i knew you guys wouldn’t be weird about it.
EB: so yeah i’m using she/her pronouns and i’m going by june!
TT: I appreciate your trust and confidence in us, June.
TT: And congratulations on getting your shit together, so to speak.
GG: oh my god guys you know what this means!!!!
EB: what?
TT: What?
GG: june has to come to girls’ night now!!!
EB: what’s girls’ night?
GG: you’ll see!!! just come over to my place tomorrow night!! and bring pajamas!!
TT: I’ll make sure to bring extra nail polish.
*
“So, wait, you guys do this every month?”
Rose dips the small brush back into the jar of blue nail polish as she nods. “When we can, at least.”
“It’s not like we really had the chance to do stuff like this when we were growing up, so we’re just making up for lost time, basically,” Jade explains. She grins at June, although it looks a bit like a frown because she’s currently hanging half-upside down over the side of her bed, watching intently as Rose paints June’s nails.
“Huh,” June says. She’s quiet for a moment, watching the polish slide smoothly across her nail. “That’s pretty cool, actually.”
“We’re pretty cool,” Rose points out. “No offense to Dave or anything, but sometimes it’s nice to just have a night without toxic masculinity or the psychological remnants thereof.”
“Exactly!” Jade says. “Hey, June, once your nails are done, will you paint mine?”
June blinks up at her. “I have literally no idea how to do this.” Seriously, the fact that Rose has managed to keep every drop of polish away from the white carpet and June’s hand is impressive. June doesn’t want to know what will happen if she tries, and not to mention… this is amazing, and she loves her friends, but she can’t help but still feel a little bit like she doesn’t belong here. She’s only known that she’s a girl for, like, four months, but Jade and Rose have known their whole lives. She knows, logically, that it’s fine, that they don’t care, but…
“I’ll teach you, don’t worry about it!” Jade tells her, waving a hand airily. “Besides, if you ever wanna do this yourself, you’re going to have to learn sometime.”
See? June tells herself. It’s fine. “Okay, okay,” she agrees. “But I’m apologizing in advance if it looks bad.”
“June, I can promise you that it won’t be worse than the first time I painted my nails,” Rose says with a soft snort.
June looks up at her, adjusting her weight but making sure not to move her hands. “What happened?”
Rose exchanges a look with Jade, and they both laugh. “Well, I was about four, and of course, I was already quite goth at that point, so I decided that I wanted to paint my nails black. And then I figured that I could just use the nail polish as lipstick. And hair dye. The bathroom… was not the same ever again. Jade’s seen the pictures; if you remind me later, I can try and find them again.”
June snorts. “I would love to see that, oh my god.”
“The first time I tried to paint my nails, I was twelve, I think?” Jade says. “I figured it could be a good addition to my reminders, since I was running out of room on my fingers, but I got nail polish all over my reminders and I couldn’t see the colors, which completely defeated the purpose.”
“You’re lucky you have such experienced nail painters to help you, you know,” Rose says, in that mock-pretentious tone that isn’t really all that different from her usual voice.
June laughs, and she doesn’t think about the reason that she doesn’t have any early childhood nail painting stories, and she thinks about how she really is lucky, actually, and god, she loves her friends. “I appreciate y’all very much,” she assures them.
Rose wrinkles her nose. “Oh, c’mon, don’t tell me that you’ve picked that up from Dirk too.”
Jade snorts, the sound barely crossing the line from canine to human. “I think you’re the only one that still doesn’t say it, Rose, it’s kind of contagious. Even Karkat’s picked up on it.”
“Well, I refuse,” Rose says primly, but she’s smiling as she twists the cap back onto the bottle of nail polish. “Alright, you’re all done, June. Those should be dry in a minute or so, although I suppose your windy powers could expedite that a bit.”
“Oh, good idea,” June says. She blows a quick breeze across her hands, shakes them once, twice, for good measure, and offers them to Rose for inspection. “Are they good? They still look the exact same.”
Rose taps June’s index finger lightly and nods. “All good. Jade, did you still want me to braid your hair?”
“Ooh, yes!” Jade says. She - impressively - manages to slide off of the couch and onto the floor between Rose and June. “June, would you still be okay with painting my nails? I don’t care if they’re messy, as long as there’s color, I’m happy.”
“Uh, sure,” June says. Yeah, she can do this. “What color do you want?”
Jade purses her lips and looks over the options. “I’ll do blue, actually, let’s match!”
“Here, Jade, if you turn, I can braid your hair while she does your nails,” Rose says. “And June, if you want, I can braid your hair afterwards.”
June lifts a strand of her hair and squints at it doubtfully. “I don’t think it’s quite long enough yet. I don’t want it to look stupid.”
She’s more than half-expecting Jade and Rose to immediately assure that it won’t, even though June is 99% sure that it would, and so it’s kind of a relief when Rose nods and says, “That’s understandable, I can just put in some clips if you want. Jade, you have some, right?”
Jade nods, and June smiles. “Sounds good. Now how do I do this nail thing?”
Jade shifts so that her back is to Rose and holds her hands out towards June. “Okay, it’s really easy, feel free to just pick up my hands and move them to wherever’s easiest for you. And don’t worry if it gets on my hands or the carpet or anything! We’re all gods, so a little mess doesn’t exactly matter.”
“Good point,” June admits. She knows it’s not a big deal, not after all of the things she’s done, but twisting open the little bottle feels like a monumental rite of passage. “Okay, here we go, I guess.”
It goes.. better than expected. Jade’s hands are only spattered with blue from the tips up, and Jade insists that it’s going to be the newest Earth C trend once everyone sees her tomorrow. June ends up with a decent amount of nail polish caked under her fingernails from trying to gently scrape away her mistakes, but it doesn’t show, so she counts it as a success. Rose wrestles Jade’s hair into an elaborate braid that June more than kind of wants to try out once her hair gets longer.
“Hey, Rose, could I do your hair?” June asks. “I don’t actually know how to braid, but I think it would be really cute if you did little braid pigtails.”
Rose looks up from where she’s sorting loose hair elastics back into her little pouch and smiles. “Of course! Jade or I can teach you, braiding is rather simple. It’s easier than painting nails, at least, and it’s a lot easier to fix when you make a mistake.”
“Alrighty,” June says. She settles in behind Rose, a little nervous, a little concerned that she still hasn’t earned this rite of passage, but - no, she’s here, Rose and Jade want her to be here, she belongs here. She’s June fucking Egbert and she belongs at girls’ night. Perhaps it’s a stupid-sounding mantra, but it works to calm her hands as Jade scoots next to her and hands her a chunk of Rose’s hair.
In the end, the braids are a little messy and more than a little uneven, but Rose doesn’t seem to care. She and Jade put a few butterfly clips in June’s hair, and they sit on the floor and talk about nothing until the clock reads 1:42am and they all start to yawn.
“June? Why aren’t you changing into your pajamas?” Rose asks, sitting up and looking over at June from across the room, where she’s dressed in a long purple nightgown and matching slippers. Jade looks over as well from her spot on her bed just as she finishes pulling on a bright yellow top that matches perfectly with her fuzzy black pants.
June looks into her bag at her ratty sweatshirt and athletic shorts that she thinks she accidentally stole from Dave and sighs. She hasn’t really gotten any new clothes, since t-shirts, shorts, and god tier pajamas are pretty much all she’s ever worn, and it’s not a big deal, but…
“Do you need to borrow some?” Jade asks. “I have a bunch of nightgowns and stuff if you want! And if they’re too small or too big, it should be pretty easy for me to fix.”
“Oh, um... yeah, that’d be great, Jade,” June says. She pushes her bag to the side - see, it’s fine - and takes the light green nightgown that Jade offers her a moment later. It fits perfectly, and the feeling of it swishing around her legs as she gets into bed makes her grin.
Jade turns out the lights, and for a moment, they all just lie in the dark in a contented sort of silence. June fidgets with the ribbons on the sleeves of the nightgown as she says, “Thanks for inviting me, guys, seriously. I’m not trying to make this a feelings jam or anything, but…. It means a lot. So thank you.”
There’s a beat, and June starts to worry that maybe Jade and Rose are asleep already, but then Rose says, “You don’t have to thank us, June, but you’re welcome.”
“You’re hereby invited to all future girls’ nights, you know,” Jade adds. “Sorry, but that’s the rules!”
June laughs, and the room falls quiet once more. June stares up at the ceiling, much higher up than the one at her house but close enough to make out patterns in the shadows and cracks. She watches the ceiling for a long time, half-asleep, half-reflecting on the day and the way she feels, when suddenly, a thought occurs to her that she’s going to text Roxy about the second she wakes up tomorrow. “Oh my god,” she whispers.
“What?” Jade stage-whispers back.
“Guys, I think this means I’m a homosexual.”