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It was the festive season and everywhere you passed by was filled with holiday cheer. Tinsel and fairy lights hanging on the street lamps filled the entire avenue, the sparkling lights reflecting onto the thin layer of snow on the ground to emit an almost angelic glow. Each window of the shops were decorated with the most extravagant displays for this special time of the year. Even the people who walked past looked so happy, chattering excitedly and in awe of all the decorations with the laughter of children ringing in your ears like silver bells. Everything was so festive and joyous.
You absolutely hated every part of it.
The decorations were tacky, the shops marked up their prices this time of year to lure people into paying more just because it was the holidays, all these people looking so damn upbeat for no reason other than the approach of a heavily commercialized festival infuriated you to no end. You wished that everything would just disappear in front of your eyes and give you some peace.
Bringing a hand to rub at your temple, you groaned at how much like an edgy teenager who wanted to spite people for the sake of looking cynical you sounded like.
There was a time when you loved Christmas and at heart, you still did. But you could not take a look at all things festive without it recalling the painful memories that you tried so hard to suppress.
Everything reminded you of him, and you would rather be numb than admit that it still hurt you to this day.
You looked around you and sighed, the puff of hot air turning into white mist from the cold. It was snowing and the colourful lights lit up the entire avenue. It was a beautiful night, it really was.
He kissed you for the first time on a night like this.
You nearly screamed when you got Kirishima’s message asking if you’d like to hang out during winter break. Even if it was just a blind hope on your part, you would rather believe that it was his way of showing you that he was interested than thinking that your crush on your sweet classmate wasn’t as unrequited as you thought.
There was this long period of awkwardness between the two of you. Everyone could tell that something was going on between the two of you but neither of you made a move to actually make it a thing. It was ambiguous, the line between friendship and romance was so blurred that you were certain that you two were probably everything but just friends. Yet he never made a move, until now.
There was something so youthfully innocent about the whole thing. Two person, walking side by side on the main road, so aware of each other’s presence but neither dare close the small gap between their bodies with only the occasional brush of a hand hinting at the longing to hold onto the one beside them.
It was cute, the way he glanced at your way when he thought you weren’t looking only to quickly look away and change the topic when you turned your head his way.
The streets were illuminated by the intricate lights bended into different patterns, all the people on the streets rushing to get back to somewhere warm but you were trying to drag the way home just a bit longer, treasuring each second you get to spend with Kiri. He insisted on walking you home, saying that it was the manly thing to do. You wanted to say that he didn’t have to but you didn’t have the heart to say no to his beaming face.
As you turned into the corner of your neighborhood, you dreaded how empty your laughter sounded echoing off the dim streets. If only the short walk from the corner of the streets to the front of your house could be a little longer.
“I guess this is where I drop you off.”
With a small nod of your head, you tried your best to maintain the smile on your face. It was a fun day, but somehow you wished that you had been braver and make a move that confirms your feelings. “Thanks.” You said, “I had a lot of fun.”
“Yeah, me too.” He said and scratched the back of his neck, a sheepish grin on his face as he looked everywhere but at you, “We should do this again.”
You beamed, “Totally.”
“Cool. I’ll see you at school?”
“Cool.”
Fidgeting with the sleeve of your jacket, you shifted your weight from foot to foot as silence filled that air. You didn’t want to say good bye, debating inside your head on what to say and what did you dare to do.
It felt so painfully awkward. When you looked at Kirishima once again, you found him staring at you with an incomprehensible expression. Unlike the several times you caught him glancing at you during the day, he did not look away even under you dumbfounded stare. You felt like he was burning a hole into you with the way he stared at you so intensely, like he was trying to have your image carved into his head.
The beating of your heart pounded through your ear drums when he took a step closer to you and his gaze trailed down from your eyes to the tip of your noes down your lips. You could barely feel your face under the cold but you were sure that you were burning up as his eyes flickered between yours and the true destination of his stare.
Was he thinking of... Was he?
Your mind went hay wired when you suddenly feel his lips crashed onto yours. Your hands instinctively went to the back of his neck as you pressed him even closer to you. The kiss was messy, a lot of teeth clashing with each other and you shivered at how freezing cold his lips were.
But it was exactly what you had been wanted to do for so long.
Abruptly pulling back, Kirishima’s eyes widened and almost panicked when he realised what he just did. “I’m so sorry! Did you-”
He was cut short as you grabbed a fist full of his shirt and pulled him down to your level, shushing him with an equally forceful kiss. You smiled as you felt him kissing you back, his lips growing warm from the contact.
That was years ago and you could never go out on a winter night without remembering the spark you felt when the boy you loved kissed you for the first time, sending a rush of warmth down your chest.
The corner of your lips that were threatening to lift up froze, curling into a stiff purse as another distinctive memory popped up inside your mind, washing away the sweet nostalgia and replaced it with a burning annoyance.
How convenient that he also broke up with you on a chilly night just like this one.
The audacity of him to dump you right before Christmas. He looked so apologetic when he told you that he didn’t think he could handle balancing a relationship with his work, saying that he wanted to focus on his career right after graduation.
“You deserve someone who will have time for you and put you before everything else.”
That’s what he said to you in the empty street. He sounded so considerate even when he was trying to break things off with you, so considerate that you didn’t feel justified to be mad at him when you wanted nothing more than to throw cry and scream at him. But you couldn’t, and that hurt you on a whole other level.
You spent the entire holiday season acting more like a fragment of what’s left of you than yourself. No matter how many gatherings or parties you went to, you couldn’t find something that would fill up the void in your chest after a large chunk of your heart was taken out. You were so used to having someone to give all your love to that you didn’t know what to do with it once he was gone. Everyone around you had someone to be with and it made you hyperaware of just how lonely you felt. It was miserable, being constantly reminded of how happy other people and the cheerful atmosphere that was shoved in your face nearly suffocated you.
You had loathed all things Christmas since then.
Quickening your steps, you pulled your scarf higher up to your face to shield it from the harsh wind and ignored everything around you as you nearly stomped through the streets regardless of how it made the cold even more unbearable.
If you just walk and act like you see nothing, maybe it wouldn’t get to you. It worked every time that shadow of red threatened to pop up in your mind.
The avenue seemed to be way longer than it usually was as you paced down the road that had stores with decorations and festive goods lined up on both sides. You put your attention on the ground in front of your every step, refusing to give in to even a bit of your surroundings.
But right when you were about to make a turn at the corner of the street, something in the shop window caught your eye that made you stopped in the middle of the road. The store itself was nothing special, just another tiny corner shop. It was the boxes of trinkets that were piled up outside that caught your eye and you knew you would regret it, but you couldn’t stop your curiosity from getting the best of you and looked into the displays to see if your guess was right.
Aha, they were still selling the same ornaments as they did before. You thought to yourself as you pulled out a tiny glass globe that was tied to a silk ribbon. Inside the glass were tiny pieces of crystals. Putting it up under the light, you were left breathless as the way it sparkled like crushed diamonds left you speechless.
What a pity to see that your taste had not changed at all from the last time you were here.
“I feel like we should really be heading back.” Your boyfriend said with a laugh as you dragged him to the nearest store. Amidst all the training and internships, it was rare for you to get some alone time with Eiji and you would be damned if you don’t make the most out of it.
“Oh, come on! It’s so festive everywhere, how can you resist?” you turned around without letting his hand go, smiling as you took a few steps backwards, “Just another one, then we go back to the dorms.”
Trying to put on your most convincing expression, you tucked on his hand as you pouted. He sighed, Eiji could never quite say no to you when you pull out the puppy dog eyes. “Anything for you, babe.” He chuckled at your child-like grin, “But if we get into trouble for not being back before curfew, just know that it’s your fault.”
Rolling your eyes, you said as you put a hand on the railing on the door, “Yeah, yeah, sure.”
Looking around, you were at awe by the many displays. The store was lit up by a warm light and the sweet smell of cinnamon filled the air. A large part of the shop was dedicated to vintage items that the owner got on his trips to many places all around the world and if you dig deep, you were sure to find some hidden treasure on the messy shelves. The tiny corner store did not have extravagant and over-the-top decorations like many other larger shops but something about the homely decor made you feel giddy inside.
You let out a small gasp when you saw the boxes of ornaments at the corner of the store. Eiji smiled, peering over your shoulder as you rummaged through the many knick knacks. Something about the way you get all excited over Christmas was just so god damn adorable to him.
A thin piece of gold ribbon caught your eye and you pulled it out. It was a finely crafted glass ornament with the middle hollowed out and filled with golden flakes. It was absolutely gorgeous and as you lifted it up to put it under the light, your breath was taken away by how the gold reflected onto the glass bulb.
You were too mesmerized by the ornament in your hand to notice that your boyfriend was staring at you the whole time. “Like it?”
You nodded but your face dropped when you read the numbers labeled on the small tag that was hanging on the ribbon. It was really pretty, but there were better things to spend that amount of money on than to spend it buying a piece of glass that would only be seen once a year.
Shaking your head, you put the ornament back with the other trinkets and held onto Eiji’s hand. “Let’s go, curfew is almost up.”
He didn’t say a word but he did notice the way your lips pursed together when you tried to smile. He took a quick glances towards the boxes at the corner of the store before following you out of it.
When you opened your present from your boyfriend on Christmas, you nearly smothered him to death when you tear the wrapping paper off to see a glass globe with gold flakes in it.
You threw away everything you could associate with Kirishima the night he broke up with you but as you took the glass ornament off of the tree and held it in your hand, you didn’t have the heart to throw it away. It was stored in a small box deep inside of your closet, hidden away with the ache in your heart that came whenever you thought of the man who used to bring you so much happiness.
Standing in front of the door, you could hear the music and laughter even from outside.
It made you sick.
If Mina hadn’t been texting you non-stop about how you have to come to this party that she spent so long organizing and practically fatigue bombed you into giving in, you would have never stepped out of your house and went through all that festive torture in the first place.
You really didn’t want to go in. You really, really didn’t.
But the door swung open before you even had the chance to turn around and chicken out. You felt an instant sense of dread when the sounds from inside got louder once the door was opened to reveal your pink haired friend.
“(y/n)! You came!” Mina squealed and gave you a bone crashing hug. The dread was still there but you couldn’t help but smile a little upon seeing your old friend and hugged her back. You might be a Grinch, but you were not an asshole. If you decided to do so much as show up, the least you could do was to act like a good guest despite the growing nerves inside of you.
The first thing you did when Mina led you into the house was heading straight to the punch table. You needed alcohol in your system in order to make it through the night without the urge to escape every 5 minutes. The burning sensation of the vodka sliding down your throat gave you just the kick you needed to get out there and socialise with all the people who looked like they might actually wanted to enjoy the holidays.
Everything was going surprisingly fine and you slowly started being glad that you ended up coming to the party. It was nice to see so many old faces and to listen to everyone’s stories after you parted to enter the professional world. At some point, perhaps it was the vodka kicking in, you even managed to laugh genuinely without a hint of remembrance of all the bad memories you associated with Christmas.
That’s when the doorbell rang, and you almost froze in place when you saw the fiery pop of red that entered the house.
He looked good, just like he used to be. His signature grin was still the same, only with more of an edge that made him look just a little less boyish and manlier.
He looked really good and your brain could not handle the fact that it was the first thing that went through your mind when you saw your ex-boyfriend for the first time since he broke up with you right before Christmas a few years back.
All the pain and loneliness rushed right back up to your head. Suddenly, the chatter and music that you were just starting to enjoy became irritating. Your friends noticed your sudden change of demeanor, Tsuyu even offered to make up an excuse for you to leave early. Despite what you truly wanted, you refused, not wanting to rain on everyone else’s fun when it was an issue so personal to you.
Excusing yourself from your group of friends, a few curses escaped under your breath as you paced towards the other room with the drinks in it. Of course he would be here, why wouldn’t he? You should have expected that when Mina said that the party was meant to act as a gathering between old schoolmates.
Picking up whatever you could find, you took a huge gulp from the red plastic cup. Letting out a sigh when the cooling drink calmed you down, you finished the rest of it until the cup was completely empty.
Ok, what now? You could always pretend that he wasn’t there at all and go on with your small talk but you knew that your mind would not stop circling to that person you did not want to think of. It was impossible to hide from him the whole night, you two shared the same group of classmates after all and he was bounded to join the conversation somehow. Perhaps you should take the offer and say that you had a bad stomach ache?
“(y/n)?”
You jumped at the voice that called out for you. That voice, you could recognize that voice where ever you were and the last thing you wanted to do was turn around to face your ex.
“Hey.”
When you finally looked at him, the pounding of your heart in your ear nearly gave you a headache. It took every last fiber in your body to even manage a presentable expression on your face when you looked straight into those eyes.
“Hey.” You managed to utter out a simple word as your hand clutched onto the empty plastic cup. Even after so long, one look into his eyes could still make your mind race.
“It’s been a while.” Kirishima said, seeming to be just as uncomfortable as you were as he put on a weak smile, “You look nice.”
“Thanks,” you tried to smile back at him, “you too.”
You hated how you couldn’t even think of something to say when he was in front of you. It reminded you of the days when you would spent so long thinking of how to reply to each of his texts and how to act in front of him, the resemblance was not making it any easier for you.
“So... What are you up to?” He said, trying to break the awkward silence.
“Oh, you know, just pro-hero stuff.” You said as an attempt to make it sound nothing less than a casual conversation, “you?”
“Pretty much the same thing.” He replied and you managed to force out a chuckle.
“Like you aren’t ranks ahead of me.”
“The ranking means nothing.” He grinned, showing the sharp tips of his teeth. “Besides, you got much higher ratings from the administrators than I do.”
You snorted, finally feeling a bit more human than a stiff auto-response. “Yeah, sure.”
You didn’t talk to Kirishima directly again for the rest of the night but you didn’t mind being in the same space as him anymore. There were even times when you were both in the same conversation and you could laugh at something he said. You caught him looking at you several times and he quickly looked away before your gazes would barely even met.
Everytime you felt his eyes on you, you felt the familiar fluster in your stomach that you thought had long died down and some part of you knew that if he wasn’t the same person who made you hate Christmas, you would have been eying him the same way.
“I think I should go.” A chorus of groans and pleas filled the room when you announced your departure. By the late night and after several more cups of liquor down your throat, you had begun to truly enjoy yourself. You almost frowned when you looked at your phone to see that it was about time you left the party. “I wish I could stay too, but I have work tomorrow.”
You hugged everyone at the door and promised to keep in touch before leaving the bright living room into the dark pavement. When you were about to walk away, you heard the door cracked open and someone called after you.
“(y/n)!”
You looked back to see Kirishima from the door and you stopped. He quickly ran to where you were and breathed heavily when he stood in front of you. He looked like he had something that he wanted to say but nothing came out as he did nothing but stare at you. You did not even know that you were holding your breath in until his gaze started travelling downwards and his eyes flicked between yours and the ground.
Just like that night when he kissed you in front of your house, meaning that it was also like that night he said he wanted to break things off with you.
The beating of your heart quickened as each second pass by. You were nervous under his stare and you wondered if you could break up with someone that you had already broken up with because you were starting to think that it might be a possibility as well.
He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something and you immediately tensed up. But as if he swallowed his own words, Kirishima pursed his lips together.
Your mind went blank when he opened his mouth once again to speak in a tone that sounded like he wanted to confess something. Only it wasn’t a confession, and the two words still rang inside your head as you walked on the streets alone.
“Merry Christmas.”
You reached for your phone to click off the alarm and nearly threw your phone to the other end of the room when you picked it up to see a message from an unknown number that started with “Hey. This is Kirishima.”
Should you read it? Should you even tap into it? What if you read it but don’t know what to say?
Swallowing your last nerve, you clicked onto the small notification.
Hey. This is Kirishima. I got your number from Mina, hope that you won’t mind me texting you all of a sudden.
I wanted to say this to you last night but I panicked when I was alone with you and didn’t manage to say it. Pretty unmanly of me, huh?
I guess what I wanted to say is that seeing you again made me realise that I missed what we had. I didn’t do the right thing breaking things off with you the way I did and I wish that we can start over again.
I completely understand if you had already moved on and want nothing to do with me but I mean what I say. Can we start with being friends again? Again, I completely understand if you don’t feel the same way and I’m sorry if this made you uncomfortable.
You stared at the screen, still trying to process what you just read. You would love to believe that you had moved on and just delete the message like nothing happened but you would be lying if you say that there wasn’t a tiny bit of you that missed him as well.
Sucking in a deep breath, you could only wish that you had made the right decision as you started typing your reply.