Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ennis eased up off the sleepin’ bags, stoppin’ to look back over his shoulder at Jack. Sleep had eased that worried look, smoothed the wrinkles startin’ ‘round his eyes. Ennis wanted to reach down and kiss his face, take him in his arms and never let go, but life wasn’t like that, wasn’t so simple. You couldn’t undo twenty years in a coupla’ months, couldn’t never take the words back that you said makin’ fun, take back times you weren’t there for someone. Feelin’ rose up in Ennis so tender, seein’ Jack here, in this house, next to him, he wanted to erase all the bad, envelope him in good, never let nothin’ hurt him again. If the world would let him, that’s what he would do. Just needed to get Jack here, needed to get Jack comin’ home to Ennis.

It was past hard to leave, but he did it, ‘cause he had a job to do. He slid into the Twists’ house quiet, needin’ a shower bad this mornin’, came down feelin’ a bit more awake, bolted a cup of coffee before he’d even sat down. John Twist was already eating, looked up sharp when Ennis walked in. Ennis grunted out “slept late. Haven’t seen ta’ the stock yet. Grabbin’ this and runnin’.”

Twist nodded. “Storm was pretty bad. Damage up there?”

“Not to speak of. Strike hit that old oak. No fire.”

Evelyn looked up from spreadin’ preserves on her toast. “You allright? Musta shook ya’ up.” Her eyes were piercin’, seemed to linger on Ennis’ face longer than normal.

“I’m fine. Just ‘bout scared the – the stuffin’ out o’me, gotta admit.”

John Twist laughed, not somethin’ you heard every day. “I can imagine. I remember one time when I was a kid, I was horsin’ around, tryin’ to ride on this ornery ol’ bull we had in the pasture, when a storm come up. Bull had more sense than me, got down in a ditch. I near got my balls fried off, hunkerin’ under a tree.”

“John!” Evelyn looked angry, not just the pretend kind she sometimes did.

“So you always was interested in ridin’ the bulls, then?” Ennis chewed his egg, fast, eye toward hurryin’ on toward the work he was late for.

“Yeah.” Twist grimaced. “Goofed off a lot, my daddy couldn’t beat no sense into me. Headed off fer the rodeo soon as I could get out o’ there. “

Ennis swallowed some biscuit. “You were a champion or somethin’, Jack told me.”

Twist looked up sharp. “Jack told you that?” He looked surprised.

“Yes, sir, sure did. Said his daddy was a famous bullrider or somethin’.”

Twist stared at Ennis a minute, then took a swallow of coffee. “Yeah, well, Jack always did make things over into things they weren’t. I was a pissant rider on a local circuit.”

Ennis considered, said soft, “To a boy, whatever his daddy done seems big.”

“Hmph.” Twist pushed back his chair. “So what do we gotta do ta’ make up fer you lazin’ ‘round in bed this mornin’?”

Ennis felt a blush rise on his face, tried to fight it back.

Evelyn’s voice came sharp. “John, stop it. You yourself said just this morning that Ennis is the hardest workin’ man you’ve ever known.”

Ennis felt his face grow warmer still. John Twist coughed. “Yeah, well, that’s so. Don’t excuse lyin’ in till all hours.”

“No, it don’t.” Ennis wiped his face, pushed back his chair. “You’re right about that. Gotta check fer damage, first of all, to the buildins’ and to the stock, gotta -.” Ennis voice stopped cold.

Jack was standin’ in the doorway to the kitchen, big smile on his face. Seein’ him here like that, in the light of day, took Ennis’ breath away for a minute. He hadn’t been prepared, he’d thought Jack’d stay abed another few hours at least, give Ennis time ta’ prepare ta’ see him here. Jack looked – he looked handsome as a man that age could be, which was as handsome as one could get. He looked perky, his hair was smoothed, he had on clean clothes, and it seemed like he’d given himself a sponge bath or somethin’, ‘cause he was sort of shiny lookin’. His jeans clung tight to those legs, legs that –

Shit. Ennis’d thought it would be hours before Jack would show. He hadn’t been takin’ care like he shoulda, and he could feel the flush rise higher on his face, from seein’ Jack like that, sudden. Hadn’t even seen him proper yet, last night bein’ stormy and dark. Though seein’ Jack lit by lantern glow weren’t nothin’ to be complainin’ about.

Ennis caught himself again, looked ta’ see if anyone had noticed. Evelyn and Jack was huggin’, huggin’ tight, and John - . Thanks be, John was standin’ close ta’ them, lookin’ at Jack and his momma, arms crossed, nasty expression on his face. After a while Jack pulled back from Evelyn, nodded to his father, then to Ennis. “Dad. Ennis.” John grunted, pushed past him to go outside, said back over his shoulder, “could use yer’ help today, if you don’t need no beauty rest.”

Jack looked after him, mad warrin’ with beaten down on his face, but just pressed his lips together.

Ennis realized he was supposed ta’ act like he hadn’t seen Jack yet, so he said, “hi, Jack.”

Jack got a little smile at that, said, “hi, Ennis.” He turned ta’ his momma, said, “so, what’s fer breakfast, momma?” and her face brightened. Good thing, because she’d been lookin’ back and forth between the two of them pretty knowing.

Ennis headed out after Twist ta’ start their rounds. He seemed even sourer than normal, mouth drawn up tight, gruntin’ a word once in a while. Didn’t really bother Ennis none, him bein’ used ta’ workin’ with noncommunicative types.

A bit later, Ennis was on his own in the barn, saddlin’ up his favorite mare ta’ go check the far acreage. Ennis turned to see Jack in the doorway, leaned up real smooth against the frame. Damn the man was fine. Hadn’t noticed last night, but it even looked like Jack’d lost a bit o’ that stomach. Hoped it wasn’t on account of what Ennis was puttin’ him through, though odds were, it was.

Jack musta seen the appreciation in Ennis’ eye, ‘cause he tipped his hat back and slouched even hotter against the doorframe, looked Ennis real bold in the eye and said, ‘goin’ somewhere, cowboy?”

Ennis said, “Jack!” but Jack just laughed, got a saddle and bridle and started preparin’ the roan as was Ennis’ second favorite, since Cigar was out of commission for this kind of work, though he seemed ta’ be healin’ perfect. Jack always did have a good eye for horses.

Jack said, “comin’ with ya. Wanna see if my hired man’s any good.” Jack had a big ol’ twinkle in his eye now, and all Ennis wanted ta’ do was tackle him ta’ the ground and -. Shit. Jack was laughin’ full out at Ennis now, then calmed a bit and said, “sorry. Shouldn’t tease ya’.”

Ennis grunted. “Don’t worry, I’ll get ya’ back.”

Jack came up close, stuck his tongue between lips like he did. “That a promise?”

Ennis’ heart soared with the fun of bein’ with Jack, the joy of Jack comin’ ta’ see him. “You bet.”

Looked like Jack was ‘bout ta’ kiss Ennis right then and there, and Ennis felt himself move forward toward Jack, drawn by that tide as always pulled at him. Jacks lips were right there, wantin’ ta’ be taken, wantin’ ta’ take, soft n’warm, but hard and strong at the same time. The roan whinnied, and both of them stopped at the same time, a foot or so apart, no more. Jack shook his head, took a step back, said, “let’s get goin’.”

They got on them horses and started ridin’, Ennis leadin’ for now, tryin’ ta’ bring his mind back from Jack ta’ the work at hand. After they’d rode a bit, Jack slowed his mount, turned her around and whistled. They were on a piece of land that rose just a little from the flat, givin’ them a view of the Twists’ house and outbuildins’, plus a lot of the land close by. The upper acreage was off to the north, and the house Ennis was buildin’ was visible too. “Jesus, Ennis, I knew you’d do wonders, but this is a god damned miracle. Cain’t believe what you’ve done in two months. Never seen the place look so good.”

Ennis looked around, really looked, at the part of the ranch spread out before him. Buildins’ had been painted and re-roofed, the fence was mended for miles out, the area ‘round the Twists’ house was mowed, the driveway cleared. Even better, they’d made good progress on sortin’ out the stock, figurin’ out what they had. Ennis was still sortin’ out paperwork ‘bout the cattle drives and the allotments, but he was makin’ progress.

Ennis felt proud, a new feelin’ of proud as came from workin’ hard on somethin’ ya’ felt part of, felt in charge of, almost, but he just said, “fifty eight days.”

“What?”

“How long I’ve been here.”

Jack shot Ennis one of them soft looks, said, “fifty eight days,” turned and rode to the west. Ennis followed, but hung back a bit, not makin’ no bones ‘bout watchin’ Jack’s easy seat in the saddle, long legs grippin’ just right, even out of practice like he must be. Jack looked damn fine on a horse, always had, and he looked like it agreed with him, too, lookin’ ‘round at the open country surroundin’ them, breathin’ deep.

“Man can breathe out here,” Jack commented.

Jack turned sudden, caught Ennis with his head cocked a little ta’ one side ta’ see Jack better, grinned a heartbreakin’ grin and said, “sure is fine ta’’ be outside again.” Jack breathed in deep again, looked to the distant mountains. “Sure feels fine ta’ not be sittin’ at some desk, or sittin’ in some combine with some fat rancher.”

Ennis looked at Jack. “You think ya’ could ever ranch again, Jack?”

Jack gave Ennis a smoky look. “Could if the company was right, cowboy.”

Ennis chuckled. “Don’t know as you’ve got what it takes any more. We’re lookin’ fer problems from the storm.”

“Yes, sir.” Jack grinned, clucked ta’ the roan, horse lookin’ happy ta’ have him on board.

They spent most of the mornin’ tourin’ the most vulnerable parts of the ranch. Watchin’ Jack ridin’ so fine next to him, just like all them times in all them mountains, had done stuff ta’ Ennis’ heart. His dick, too, truth be known.

They got off to walk along some far fence, fix a temporary solution ta’ the gaping hole as could let cattle through. Hole wasn’t from no lightning, just a beaten down patch no one had gotten to yet. After they crimped some wire ‘round a post and fastened some fallen sections back up, Jack was kneelin’ to finish the securin’ down low to the ground. Sure looked fine kneelin’ like that.

Seemed not ta’ matter they’d come apart in each other’s arms last night so hard, Ennis felt the longin’ rise up strong. Maybe made it worse, the havin’ Jack’s skin under his fingers last night, his mouth under his.

Jack turned right then, caught Ennis in what musta been a look as showed what he was thinkin’ on, ‘cause Jack straightened to a stand, leaned back real fine against that fence, certain look in his eye, licked his lips, looked around the empty prairie, fixed his eyes on Ennis’ crotch. Ennis took a few steps, no conscious effort, towards Jack, and then they were right up close.

Ennis felt an urge so strong ta’ just go down on his knees there in the dirt, take Jack in his mouth. He felt saliva actually rise up, could almost feel that cock’s smooth length between his lips, his tongue curlin’ ‘round. Couldn’t imagine there’d been a time when he tried to hide them desires from himself. His eyes went to the front of Jack’s jeans.

Jack said “Ennis” real throaty and Ennis knew he’d been lickin’ his lips and starin’ and Jack’d seen, Jack’d known. Ennis stared into Jack’s face bold and Jack was shakin’ his head, and his eyes were that stormy sea.

Enis stopped himself from movin’ closer to Jack. “Shit. We caint.” Somehow it came out a question, though. Ridiculous what this man did to him.

Jack shoved his hat back, sighed, nodded. “Yeah. Let’s get goin’ early with that trip out on the town.”

By force of will, Ennis made his feet move to the stretch of fence next to Jack, leaned back against it himself, keepin’ a couple feet or more between ‘em. “Told ya’ Jack, ain’t really no town.”

Jack just smiled. “Takin’ ya’ somewhere, I told ya’.”

Charlie came up just then, swingin’ off his horse, comin’ in from checkin’ the northwest section. Jack shot Ennis a look, a look as said he was glad they’d not done what they’d both wanted, out here where anyone could walk up anytime. Charlie talked with them a while, givin’ Ennis the information he needed. He was proud of Charlie: he’d worked all night, and Ennis could see his pride, though he was a bit shy, reportin’ in front of the owner’s son. Jack was watchin’ pretty close.

Jack gave Charlie’s back an appraisin’ look as he rode away. “I think that boy’s sweet on you, Ennis.”

“Mm. I think I took care of it, though.”

Jack grinned and whistled. He is sweet on ya. What did ya’ do ta’ him, Ennis? You didn’t hurt him?”

Ennis ducked his head. “Nah. Just told him the facts o’ life.”

Jack leaned sideways to catch a glance at Ennis’ face. “Now that I woulda liked to hear. What did ya’ tell him?”

Ennis looked up. “He’s nineteen, Jack.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.” Ennis nodded.

“Yeah. Jack looked thoughtful. Cain’t believe we were ever that young. He’s still here, though, ya’ cain’t’ve been too hard on him.” Jack had a question in his eyes.

Ennis sighed. “I told him it was dangerous, don’t ever touch another fella if he hasn’t touched him first.”

Jack laughed out loud, turned to face Ennis, put his hands on his hips. “Glad no one told me that before I met you, Ennis del Mar.”

Ennis felt his own mouth curl up into a half smile, no doubt remembrin’ the same thing as Jack was remembrin’, Jack grabbin’ Ennis’ hand like that and pullin’ it over on his hard dick, rubbin’ there for a few scant seconds. Fakin’ sleep or no, it’d been bold of Jack indeed, Ennis’ reaction as likely to have been a fist or worse as what it ended up being.

Ennis moved a little closer to Jack again, turned to face him, let the fond show in his smile. “Me too, Jack fuckin’ Twist.” The smile Jack flashed back would’ve powered that whole Star Wars missile system. After they’d grinned at each other like idiots for a bit, Ennis added, “ I told him – not someone old like me, and even if I was interested, I wouldn’t be interested in someone his age. Had to, ‘cause everythin’ else I said wasn’t fixin’ it.”

“That was the right thing ta’ do.” Jack gave Ennis a proud look.

Ennis chuckled. “I gave him money for a ticket for Laramie, Fourth of July weekend, told him it was from your dad.”

“Ha!” Jack chortled at that thought. “I’m impressed. You did good, Ennis. Boy still has a crush on you, though that’s understandable.”

“Yeah, well this whole fuckin’ county’s full o’queers – “ Ennis rolled his eyes at Jack’s disapprovin’ look – “far as I can tell. Hittin’ on a guy right and left.”

Jack leaned his side on the fence so he was lookin’ straight at Ennis. “Do tell. Someone else been hittin’ on you?”

“Ah. It’s nothin’. All straightened out. ” Ennis headed over to his mare and fiddled with her stirrups.

“No really, Ennis, I think I wanna know.” Jack was behind Ennis now.

Ennis turned toward Jack, cleared his throat. “Just this guy, Glen, nice enough fella’, manly, wouldn’t even suspect, if you need ta’ know so bad.”

“I know Glen. Fuck. Good lookin’ guy, younger’n us by a bit. He comin’ on to you?” Jack’s hands were on his hips. His forehead was crinkled into a frown.

Ennis felt his lip quirk up despite himself “Jack, you – you jealous?”

“Nah.” Jack shook his head. “It’s just – doesn’t he get it?”

“Get what, Jack?” Ennis let his smile show now, but Jack appeared not ta’ see.

“You’re here ‘cause o’me, you’re --.” Jack cut himself off.

“I’m what, Jack?” Ennis let his voice show just a little of his feelin’.

Jack turned away, looked off to the north where the land spread flat, far as the eye could see. “I know it’s ridiculous. Got no right. Last person in the world as has a right.”

Ennis stepped up to Jack, said low and quiet, “or the only one that does.”

Jack turned to face Ennis, forehead crinkled, eyes troubled. “How you stood it, Ennis?”

Ennis looked off to the north himself now, swallowed, looked back into Jack’s troubled face.

“I ain’t stood it. Tryin’ ta’ fix it.”

Jack nodded slow. “Got stuff ta’ tell ya’.” Jack looked around, gestured to their bodies standin’ stiff near their mounts. “Not now, not here?”

Ennis nodded. Weren’t no time and place ta’ be discussin’ Jack’s screwin’ around with other guys, if that’s where this was headed. Ennis swallowed. “Allright then. Later.”

Jack nodded, looked around quickly, ran the finger of one hand lightly over Ennis’ cheek, swung effortlessly onto the roan. They covered as much ground as they could, ridin’ in tandem like the old days, checkin’ for storm damage.

They headed back for lunch and Ennis saw Lisa's truck parked at the barn off in the distance. “Hold up a minute, Jack.” Jack brought his horse up next ta’ Ennis’. “Jack, forgot ta’ tell you, I’m kinda getting’ ta’ know these gals, Lisa’s the vet, and Bonnie, says she knew you before here, she’s a carpenter and all.”

Jack whistled. “Bonnie? Sure I remember her. Sweet little gal. She’s the carpenter lady? Last I knew, she was off ta’ Montana, married with kids. Met ‘em one summer even. How’s her kids?”

“Don’t know. She’s here, they’re not. Not a good story I think. Not her fault probably.”

Jack looked at Ennis harder. “You seem ta’ know a lot about her.”

Jack effortlessly handled the roan’s impatience to be getting back to food, and Ennis spared a moment ta’ admire the way he sat a saddle so fine. When Jack had her all settled back down again, Ennis said, “Yup. Been ta’ their house a coupla times fer supper and all.”

Jack furrowed his forehead. “Ennis, ya’ seein’ one o’ them?”

Ennis shook his head. “Ain’t seein’ no more women.” Ennis waved a hand to the ranch all around them, running far as the eye could see to distant horizons. "How could ya’ think that now?” It came out a little sharp, probably on his feeling that Jack should know that by now.

Jack shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” Ennis could see the hurt, but he couldn’t help himself, let his mouth quirk a little, brought the mare closer to Jack’s horse.

“Jack. They’re - .” Ennis went ta’ make a gesture, but couldn’t think what it would be. “They’re together.”

Jack’s eyebrows raised. “And you’ve eaten dinner at their house?”

Ennis nodded, shrugged.

Jack narrowed his eyes. “They know ‘bout us?”

Ennis’ head nodded. He couldn’t get no words out.

“You told them?”

Ennis’ head nodded again. He spared a quick glance ta’ Jack, who had his mouth open. “Whut?”

“Nothin’. Think I’ll meet this Lisa now.” He clucked and rode ahead of Ennis down ta’ the barn, swung off the horse in a liquid movement as did embarrassin’ things ta’ Ennis’ insides. His insides were a little roiled thinkin’ on Jack talkin’ ta’ Lisa, too, but he shouldn’t have worried. When he went in the barn, they was chattin’ regular as everythin’, Jack askin’ on Bonnie, then the health o’ the horses and stock.

They was into it so good, Jack seemin’ ta’ know a lot still ‘bout the Twists’ animals, that Ennis just leaned on the wall o’ the barn and just appreciated listenin’ to them. Maybe he was doing another kind of appreciatin’, too, ‘cause next he knew, it was quiet, and both of them was lookin’ at him kinda funny. He realized maybe one of them had asked him somethin’. He also realized he’d been starin’ at Jack’s fine back side for most of the last few minutes. Damn. Heat flew into his face.

Jack laughed, but Lisa gave Ennis a long kind look, then just asked the question again. They talked on horses for a bit, and then it was lunchtime, a happy affair with John Twist off on some errand or another and Evelyn all glowin’ from Jack bein’ there. Lisa said she couldn’t stay for lunch, but invited him n’ Jack fer supper later in the week, and it took only a second for Jack n’him ta’ decide yes with their eyes, though Ennis was a little nervous thinkin’ on it.

After lunch, Jack had to sit in his folks’ house fer a bit ta’ look over some papers to do with the mortgage and insurance. “Not that my daddy will admit he wants my opinion, but it’s gotta be done. I been doin’ this kinda stuff at the dealership fer years. Well, me and Lureen.” Every time I come up here, they’ve got more o’ this -.” Jack waved a sheaf of official-lookin’ papers – “that they want me ta’ go over.”

Ennis drove back up to the new house, got some stuff and brought it down to the Twists’ house. John Twist was off on his buyin’ trip somewhere, and there was somethin’ Ennis wanted Jack’s say-so on, though maybe he was makin’ a point, too, since Jack hadn’t exactly been runnin’ to move ta’ Lightnin’ Flat. His stomach felt a little queasy ‘bout the subject matter, but damn, this was the man that’d given him them flowers, though you wouldn’t know it ta’ look at him now, all manly and serious with all them legal papers in front of him.

“Here.” Ennis threw down a handful of paint chips on the desk. “Pick one.”

Jack looked up from the papers, incredulous look on his face. “What?”

“I said, pick one. Bonnie’s after me to choose. Interior for inside, exterior for outside. Thought maybe blue or somethin’ for one of ‘em, but I don’ know, and it turns out there’s ‘bout a thousand colors o’white.”

“Colors o’ white?” Jack’s voice sounded funny.

Ennis tried to explain. “See, there’s eggshell and cream and – shit, I don’ know, tons of ‘em. They’re all different even though they look the same.”

He heard a funny noise, looked down at Jack. Jack had one o’ them smiles he got tuggin’ up at his lips fierce. He looked like he was chokin’ on somethin’.

“Whut?”

Jack laughed right out loud then, a deep belly laugh. “Jesus, Ennis, if anyone’d ever told me you’d be fussin’ over wall colors . . . .”

Ennis pressed his lips together, felt a sickenin’ anger roilin’ in his belly. “Fuck you.” He pulled on his work gloves and strode to the door. “Mistake o’ me to mention it.”

Jack looked over, sharp, put the papers down, stood up and was next to Ennis in three strides. “Ennis, hold on, I was just teasin’.”

“Yeah, well, like I said, fuck you.”

Jack reached a hand towards Ennis, laid it on his arm. Ennis twisted his arm away, feelin’ of shame for thinkin’ ‘bout woman stuff boilin’ up in his mouth like bile, turned to walk out the door.

Jack grabbed for him again, grabbed on tight, lowered his voice to a fierce whisper. “Now listen ta me, Ennis del Mar, I’m tryin’ ta’ apologize. I was bein’ an asshole, okay? Ya’ cain’t go off on me like this every time I screw up.”

Ennis hissed in his face “or what?”

Jack shook his head. “Ain’t no ‘or what,’” what’re ya’ talkin’ about?”

“Just forget it.” Enins tried to pull away, but Jack pulled his sleeve tighter.

Jack was lookin’ at Ennis with a knowin’ look on his face now, said, “Ennis,” all soft, which was even worse.

Ennis felt that anger bubblin’, the anger as always came when he heard his daddy’s voice callin’ him sissy, saw someone look at him funny. This was Jack though, which made it worse, but also made it better. And made it important. Worryin’ ‘bout crap like that was what ended up with Jack lyin’ alone in a ditch.

Ennis took a breath. “Listen, Jack, I need ta’ get outa here right now. Need ta’ take care o’ things ‘round here, get outside. I’ll - .” He swallowed. “I’ll talk ta’ ya’ later ‘bout it. Ain’t runnin’ off fer good, just till later. Need a little time. All right?”

Jack nodded slow, eyebrow up, but in an admirin’ way. He loosened his grip on Ennis’ sleeve. “Yeah. Yeah, guess I can live with that. You go castrate somethin’ or whatever.”

Ennis looked sharp at Jack, but nodded, looked ‘round real fast, then ran his gloved hand quick over Jack’s cheek and went out the door, feelin’ Jack’s considerin’ eyes on him the whole time.

Ennis spent the afternoon with his usual work, Jack workin’ on finances. Saw Jack’s truck take a trip up ta’ the house Ennis was buildin’, then Jack drivin’ back down and catchin’ Ennis by the barn. “Time ta’ go, cowboy. Got some of them bedrolls and stuff. Supper too, sneaked it. Told my momma don’t expect us back, we’ll be drinkin’ and talkin’ and all.” Jack wiggled his eyebrows.

“Jack, I cain’t just up and leave at six o’ clock. All the evenin’ stuff yet to do.”

“Yeah, well, I cut a deal with Charlie, and he’s getting’ Joe and Early ta’ help, too. You been workin’ too hard, need a break.” Jack looked around, lowered his voice. “And I need somethin’ else.”

Ennis tried to frown. “That right?”

“Been a bit deprived.”

Ennis raised an eyebrow, upshootin’ hope surprisin’ him. “That so?”

Jack nodded. “That’s so. Get yer stuff. I ain’t gonna wait all day.”

Ennis grinned. “Yes, sir.”

Jack raised his eyebrow further. “I’m ‘sir’ now?”

Ennis leered. “If ya’ wanna be.”

“Rrrow.” It shouldn’t be possible fer a grown man ta’ make that noise, but Jack sure ‘nuf did, and it sure had an affect on certain parts of Ennis. It’d been so long without Jack, and now here he was, bringin’ that spark he always did, ‘least used ta’, before that spark had started dyin’, ‘cause Ennis saw now that Jack’s spark had been dyin’.

Ennis went and grabbed his coat from the barn, hopped in the truck. “You sure -?”

“Got it all covered. Promise.” Jack gunned the truck down the driveway.

“Where we goin’, Jack?”

“Local place I used ta’ go to. Takes a bit ta’ get there.”

Ennis grunted, let himself close his eyes and lean back on the headrest a bit.

“Ya’ still sore ‘bout that crack I made?”

Ennis cracked an eye, looked at Jack’s fine profile sittin’ right there next ta’ him. “Nah. My fault.”

Jack turned quick ta’ look at Ennis, looked back to the highway, stretchin’ east in front of them. Jack said, “I shoulda thought first. Shoulda known wasn’t a subject ta’ tease ya’ on.”

Ennis grunted. “Don’t want ya’ thinkin’ on every word ya’ say ta’ me. Don’t want it like that.”

Jack flashed his appreciatin’ smile ta’ Ennis, nodded. “All right. Me neither. I can be a dick, you can tell me ta’ fuck off, we can still be friends.” Jack started laughing. “Or at least we can still fuck.”

Ennis chuckled. “You said it. Long as it goes both ways and I can be a dick, too.”

Jack grinned and turned off onto a cut-off road that looked like it wandered over some hills. The terrain was gettin’ dryer and dryer, tall pines spaced further apart, no flowers, just little dry bushes every so often, tufts of tall prairie grass every so often.

“Where the hell we goin’, Jack?”

“Not goin’ ta’ wreck the surprise. Just relax, won’t be long.”

Sure enough, it wasn’t too long till the truck pulled off on a dirt road overgrown with bushes, topped one last hill and came ta’ a stop where the road, such as it was, ended.

Jack turned off the engine, and silence surrounded them. Jack had a little smile, but just went ta’ the back of the truck, threw Ennis some soft stuff ta’ carry, said, “follow me.”

Ennis did follow Jack, pushin’ through more prickly bushes, and within minutes they’d beaten their way into some type of clearing, no grass, but soft earth underneath. Ennis saw Jack starin’ at somethin’, so Ennis looked in the same direction and gasped. Risin’ up out o’ the scrubby dry land was the hugest rock Ennis’d ever seen, or maybe it was a little mountain. Its vertical faces rose almost straight up into the sky, and it towered above them hundreds of feet, must be close to a thousand feet high.

The sun was just slippin’ past the horizon behind them to the west, so the rock was painted with a rosy glow that made it seem like it belonged on some other world. And there was somethin’ familiar about it, somethin’ – “That’s incredible, Jack, what the hell - ?”

“Ya’ ever seen it?” Jack had a shit-eatin’ smile on his face, no doubt.

“Looks familiar, can’t place it.”

“Ya’ seen that movie, Close Encounters?”

“ – of the Third Kind! You bet. That was amazin’, them aliens. Scared Francine, she was in fourth grade or somethin’, she begged me, took her to it in Laramie on her birthday that year it come out.” One of the three times he’d ever been to a movie theater, but he didn’t say that. “Seen it a coupla times on t.v. too. This is that place. The one they all dreamed about.”

“Yeah, sure is. Called Devil’s Tower.” Jack had a sort of – fond – look on his face, lookin’ at Ennis.

Ennis realized he’d been a little excited when he figured out this was that place from the movie, let that show a little, not somethin’ real usual for him. Ennis cleared his throat. “Why ya’ brought me here, Jack?”

“Picnic.” Jack started layin’ out sleepin’ bags, and Ennis laid the blankets he was carryin’ on top.

“Picnic. Jack, it’s almost eight o’clock at night.”

“So?” Jack opened the grocery bag he’d brought, pulled out beers, sat down on the blankets.

Ennis lowered himself to the blankets gingerly. “You sure are a big one fer picnics these days. Ain’t this illegal?”

“So? I never used ta’ care what the rules was when I first met you.”

Ennis smiled. “Good point. What do we do now?”

Jack gave him a look as would melt steel. He had two beer bottles in his one hand, an opener in the other. “I gotta spell it out fer you, cowboy?”

Ennis felt the longin’ rise up fierce, electric charge as always when near Jack. Seemed like he’d been pushin’ that feelin’ down for years, not a single day goin' by without it. And here was Jack, here ta’ see Ennis, come a thousand miles again, and things was like they always was, only different too.

Ennis crawled over ta’ Jack, took them bottles out of his unresistin’ hand and laid them down, took the opener out of the other, threw it off ta’ the side. Ennis grabbed Jack’s now-empty hands with his own, brought his face up close to Jack’s. He wanted ta’ kiss him everywhere, startin’ with that place on his neck, work over ta’ his mouth, then down ta’ -.

“Whatcha doin’?” Jack’s voice was sultry.

Ennis felt his body sway toward Jack’s, whispered into Jack’s mouth, now inches away from his, “anythin’ ya’ want me ta’ be doin’.”

Jack leaned his head forward, nuzzled his nose into Ennis’, whispered, “that an offer?”

Ennis let his lips ghost along the edges of Jack’s ear, whispered, “you bet.”

Jack moaned a little at that, and Ennis let his tongue dart out ta’ lick ‘round the edges of Jack’s ear. Jack sagged under him, he could feel it and Ennis wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay up on his knees –

“Shit.” Ennis breathed out hard ‘cause Jack’s tongue was now tracin’ a line along his chin, his hands grabbin’ Ennis’ and grippin hard. Ennis spared a thought ta’ think ‘bout how they must look, two men together like that, one sittin’ and one kneelin’, though he didn’t think he’d be kneelin’ much longer. He remembered the food they’d brought, thought on how Jack must be hungry, gasped out, “eat first?”

Jack pulled on his hands, pullin’ Ennis down, unresistin’, on top of him, body pressin’ up so fine inta’ Ennis all along his length, bringin’ his mouth up almost ta’ Ennis’, but without touchin’, whispered, “not on yer life. You hungry?”

“Not fer food,” and that did it thank the lord and Jack brought his lips up to Ennis’, and when they touched his the fire leaped up higher inside Ennis, his whole body yearnin’ toward Jack’s. He pressed himself stronger all along Jack underneath him, brought his hands to the sides of Jack’s head like so often before, melted into the hot press of his tongue into Jack and Jack’s tongue into him.

He needed him all over, wanted ta’ feel him everywhere, wanted ta’ kiss him and lick him everywhere, map him out with his tongue and his lips, mark his claim on him good, wanted to run his hands all over him, feel him shakin and buckin’ under him, wanted that dick of Jack’s in his mouth, wanted Jack, wanted Jack any way at all, maybe even Jack inside him, god that had felt like hot lightnin’ inside, scary ta’ open like that, but that’d made the pleasure even more and –

“Ennis.” Jack was sayin’ his name. Ennis opened his eyes. He and Jack were twined together, Ennis with his legs apart, on his back, how had that happened? Jack was lyin’ flush on top of him, and one of Ennis’ legs was curled up ‘round Jack’s back, pullin’ him into him. He could feel their dicks pressin’ up against each other, hard as tempered steel.

Jack’s face was right above his, expression on it Ennis couldn’t figure, Jack restin’ on his elbows ta’ the side of Ennis. Ennis felt a flush wash his face, realizin’ he was all spread out here like a gal, he’d let that new desire take over and Jack could see it clear as day, Ennis losin’ himself like that. God, he was so close ta’ comin’, no clothes off yet, him on the bottom.

Ennis had ta’ look away, look ta’ that huge rock as rose up straight from the ground nearby.

Jack said, “you can look at me now Ennis, I know it, ya’ already did.”

Ennis looked back, saw what he’d never seen in all them years, or he’d seen but not let himself really know. Jack needed Ennis ta’ look at him, really look at him, though he’d never admit it. “Never looked at you from the bottom, Jack.”

Jack had a little smile on his face, but his eyes showed some history of sad.

Ennis fought himself, hard, ta’ keep his eyes on Jack. Better him than Jack, lyin’ facin’ up in death. Besides, the feelin’ he had for Jack –

Jack said low, “does it matter?”

Ennis considered, thinkin’ of the boys they had been, then the men, friends when none was expected, sharin’ laughs, sharin’ this. Ennis brought his hand up ta’ the side of Jack’s check, said, “no. Don’t matter none at all. Just takes some gettin’ used to.”

Jack smiled. “Yeah,” started to roll them over, but Ennis pulled him back with his leg to rest square on top of him again. “I almost spilled like this, Jack, just a minute ago, clothes an’ all.”

Jack rocked his hips down into Ennis and Ennis groaned. “That so?”

Ennis brought his other leg up ‘round Jack’s back deliberate, leaned up and kissed him hard, tongue pushin’ in his mouth, pulled back a little and said, “that’s so.”

“Fuck.” Jack closed his eyes, rocked into Ennis hard. Ennis gasped, closed his eyes.

Jack said, “You sayin’ you want me to do you, Ennis?”

Ennis felt the shame course through him, felt the desire even stronger. He couldn’t help it, he had ta’ look away, but he managed to grit out, “what I was thinkin’ on.”

“Oh, fuck.” Jack was pantin’, thrustin’ down into Ennis, grabbin’ his hands and pinnin’ them to the blanket above his head. Ennis let his hands be held, let his body relax as much as it could. This was Jack. That’s all he needed to be thinkin’.

Then Jack’s mouth was at his ear. “First time was gentle.” Jack took a deep breath. “Second time --.” Jack hesitated. “Second time, rough. Third time – third time ya’ do this, I wanna make ya’ see stars. Feel what this can be. Is. To me.”

Ennis arched his back into Jack, bolt of fire coursin’ through him, shoved his tongue into Jack’s mouth, and then Jack’s tongue was invadin’ Ennis’ mouth like fire, and Ennis was lost in lust again, whole body surrenderin’ ta’ Jack.

Jack’s mouth was at Ennis’ ear again. “Third time ya’ do this, can be gentle and sweet and hard and fast all together.” Ennis gasped, chest heavin’, felt like he was gonna come just from them words, somehow managed ta’ say, “That’s funny. That’s ‘parently how I like my men – hard and fast.”

Jack froze for a second, then cracked up laughin’, weren’t no other way ta’ put it, rolled to the side off Ennis, howlin’, huge shit-eatin’ grin on his face and then Ennis was laughin’ too.

“Hard and fast.” Jack was laughin’ so hard, it made Ennis feel – happy. Happy deep inside, a kind of joy as he’d only felt with Jack, or his daughters, deep feelin’ of happiness coursin’ through him, and he laughed too, loud and strong for that ancient Tower ta’ hear.

Jack was still laughin’ when he started to strip off Ennis’ clothes, once in a while sayin’ “hard and fast,” and once Ennis said, “good thing fer me,” and then Jack dipped in ta’ lick where he’d unbuttoned Ennis’ shirt and Ennis couldn’t talk no more.

Ennis kept reachin’ for Jack, but he swatted his hands away, focused on each button, then licked where Ennis’ shirt parted and left an inch or two of skin showin’. He worked his way down slow, till all the buttons were open, then licked, all the way back up to Ennis’ neck, lickin’ there, then suckin’ on his neck. Ennis arched up into Jack’s mouth, ran his hands soft on Jack’s arms.

Jack was pullin’ the shirt to the sides, slow, and the fabric scrapin’ soft over his nipples made him shiver, somethin’ Jack spotted, ‘cause he leaned down to run that wicked tongue ‘round and over first one, then the other.

Ennis was thrustin’ into the air now, writhin’ under that tongue. Jack’s voice, hoarse with desire, said, “You always liked that,” and Ennis remembered wrestlin’ in the sun, Jack pinnin’ him down and playin’ with his nipples, Ennis never able ta’ admit what it did ta’’ him.

Now he could admit it, so he moaned “Jack,” and somethin’ changed in Jack at Ennis’ tone of voice, and he wasn’t playin’ around any more. He stripped Ennis’ shirt off him fast, fumbled with Ennis’ belt, but Ennis reached down, strippin’ his pants and shorts off quick, sayin’ “take off yer clothes, Jack.”

Then they was naked and Jack was lickin’ Ennis startin’ down at his ankle, lickin’ slow up one leg, sometimes movin’ over to the other. Ennis kept reachin’ with his hands, dyin’ to feel Jack’s skin, but he was too far away. He tried to sit up to reach for him, but Jack pressed a hand firm on his belly, pushin’ him down, said “lie down” and Ennis did.

Jack licked till Ennis was goin crazy, wantin’ that tongue in one place, and finally Jack was close, lickin’ soft on the inside of Ennis’ upper thigh, makin’ Ennis squirm, and he let his legs fall open a little.

Up above, the first star appeared at the moment Jack’s tongue touched his dick, lickin’ from base to head, then back down again. The Tower was so huge Ennis could see it clear though he was lyin’ down, outlined against the twilit sky. Ennis spared a thought for that long-ago lover from Solomon’s time, wondered whether some old Indian lookin’ at this Tower thousands of years ago had the same feelins’.

Jack’s mouth, unbearably hot and wet, suddenly engulfed Ennis, scatterin’ all his thoughts like them stars was scattered ‘cross the sky. His body lifted off the blanket hard, thrustin’. Jack sucked him for a few blissful seconds, then pulled off and licked down his dick to his balls, rolled them soft in his mouth, headed further down, to the sensitive spot right behind.

Jack’s hands fell onto Ennis’ legs, and he pushed them, gentle, a little more open. Ennis wondered at himself for the surge of lust as went through him, feeling himself spread open like that, wanton and cravin’ Jack’s touch, couldn’t deny it any longer, what was the point anyway? Queer was queer, didn’t really matter who did what ta’ who in the eyes of the world.

Ennis’ thoughts snapped back, hard, feelin’ Jack’s tongue lick soft over his hole, heard himself whisper, “ya’ don’t have to, Jack,” and Jack pulled back long enough ta’ say, “been wantin’ to fer so long,” and Ennis moaned on a surge of feelin’, and wondered what else Jack’d been wantin’, and Ennis’ heart yearned to do for Jack, do all the things he’d been wantin’, do whatever it took to bring him home.

Jack’s tongue ran lazy circles, then Ennis felt it pushin’, pushin’ into him, oh my God his cock was leakin’ already from the feel, Jack’s hands runnin’ up Ennis’ legs, strong warm hands that put in a day’s work, hands that knew him, knew him well.

Jack’s tongue pushed in hard now, and Ennis couldn’t think any more, only moan and pant, “Jack, want you.” Then Jack was fumblin’ in his bag, Ennis sayin’ “don’t need nothin’,” and Jack sayin’ “better this way,” and then he felt a wet finger where there’d been a tongue, and this time Ennis let himself relax into it, felt that finger push in easy, then another next to it, pushin’ in slow but sure, then pullin’ out and pushin’ in, then pushin’ in hard, and Ennis was pullin’ his body up, writhin’ on them fingers ta’ feel em’ pushin’ on just the right spot, and Jack said, “that’s it, feel it Ennis, want you to feel it good.”

Ennis couldn’t talk, it felt like, only gasp. He tried again, got out, “do it,” and Jack pulled them fingers out slow, laid himself on top of Ennis, pushed his tongue deep in Ennis’ mouth, and Ennis was frantic, wantin’ this so bad, pushin’ up into Jack’s hard length with his dick.

“Shh. S’alright, Ennis, take a breath, make it last,” and Ennis tried but then Jack ruined it by whisperin’ “gonna put it in ya’ now, cain’t fuckin’ believe I get ta’ do this,” which made Ennis groan.

Then Jack’s dick was at the entrance and then it was pushin’ in, Ennis knowin’ ta’ pant now to stay relaxed, knowin’ that much at least.

And it was different this way. If he opened his eyes, there was Jack above him, serious expression on his face, bitin’ his lip and concentratin’ hard. Ennis shifted his hips up a little, and Jack slid all the way in, groan escapin’ his lips.

Bein’ under Jack like this was like nothin’ Ennis’d ever done, ‘cept maybe when Jack’d been under him, face to face. It was hard to look, hard to see, but it was the best thing, better than anythin’, seein’ Jack’s face, seein’ it as the feelins’ crossed over.

The Tower was behind Jack’s head, outlined dimly now in the dusk, but Ennis could see Jack’s face clear enough, close as he was. And he could reach a hand up ta’ push Jack’s hair out of his eyes, Jack startin’ ta’ sweat like he was. Jack smiled, a smile as reached his eyes, then pulled almost out, changed his angle a little and –

“Fuck!” Ennis realized that was him yellin’, feelin’ that ‘lectric shock run up his spine, and one of his legs went ‘round Jack’s back before he knew it, pullin’ his own body up, and pullin’ Jack’s body in again, desperate for him ta’ hit that spot.

Jack was pantin’, sweat droppin’ on Ennis’ face, and Ennis licked a drop as fell on his mouth. Jack gasped and bent down ta’ lick on Ennis’ lips, and Ennis lifted his head up to flick his tongue over Jack’s. Jack surged hard into Ennis and Ennis heard a moan ripped from his own lips, Jack answerin’ with his own.

“Harder, Jack,” Ennis panted, and Jack said “Christ,” then braced himself up on his hands, slammed hard in and out.

“Yeah. Yeah baby - .” Ennis felt heat surge through him hearin’ Jack talk like that, saw Jack bite his lip, bite off his words.

Ennis looked Jack in the eyes, let the words inside him come out, said, “like it when ya’ talk like that,” and Jack stopped, fell down ta’ his elbows, pantin’. Ennis’ body was still tryin’ ta’ push up into Jack, his hips rockin’ up into him, and Jack said, “stop movin.’” He panted. “Goin’ ta’ spill ya’ don’t lie quiet.”

Ennis stilled his hips, hard ta’ do against the need that drove him, lay there pantin’ himself, tryin’ ta’ get control of himself back.

Jack lowered his forehead down to Ennis', rested there on his elbows, both of them pantin’, their breathin’ gradually slowin’ a little. Jack started to talk, and Ennis knew it was ‘cause he’d said he liked it. Jack kept his hips perfectly still, said into Ennis’ face, forehead leanin’ down on him, “do ya’ know what ya’ feel like ta’ me, Ennis, so hot, so fuckin’ tight, it’s all I could do not ta’ come the first minute I came inside you.”

Ennis couldn’t stand it, his hips rolled up of their own accord, his leg curled tighter. Both of them gasped, and Ennis could feel Jack’s breath on his face.

“Don’t move!” Jack’s voice had that strong thing in it, but this time it sent a bolt of fire up Ennis, and he felt his whole body shudder. He willed his body ta’ relax, let Jack take over, felt himself melt into the softness under his back.

“Ya’ like it, Ennis?” Jack was whisperin’ again, right into his face. Ennis eyes were closed, he couldn’t help it, the power of his concentratin’ was so hard. Jack raised his face a little, then ducked down to lick at Ennis’ lips again. Ennis full-out moaned this time. “That’s good, Ennis, want ya’ ta’ feel what I feel, ya’ do me so good.”

Ennis couldn’t stand it any more, said “Jack, move.”

Nothin’ happened, so Ennis opened his eyes ta’ see Jack, power in his eyes. Ennis remembered his dream, remembered the flowers, remembered the soul inside him reachin’ out for Jack’s. He pushed down the fear, the shame, said into Jack’s face, “I like it, you bet I like it Jack.”

Jack smiled a tender smile, a tender smile that changed a tiny fraction and became a smile of power, and then Jack moved his dick the slightest little bit deeper inside Ennis. “Ohh.” Ennis had never heard that sound leave his own lips. His other leg came up to wrap ‘round Jack’s hips. Jack smiled, moved his hips again, a little harder. Ennis moaned again but this time Jack did, too, raisin’ up on his hands, pushin’ in deeper still.

Ennis’ hand started reachin’ toward his dick, he ached so bad, but Jack reached a hand ta’ swat it away. “Not yet.” Jack brought his hands under Ennis’ legs, pulled them up higher, till Ennis was ‘most bent over himself, and Ennis gasped at the new angle. Next he knew, his legs was restin’ on Jack’s shoulders, and Jack was so deep inside him, the pleasure felt like it was goin’ ta’ overwhelm him, suck him in and never let go.

When Jack pushed in the next time, Ennis’ sight fuzzed out, white lightnin’ takin’ away sight, sound too. And he loved it, loved this, Jack inside him so deep, him spread out and wantin’, bein’ pounded into, oh Christ - .

“Yeah Ennis, seein’ you like this - .” Jack moaned.

Ennis roused himself against the whirpool ta’ say “Jack, give it to me,” and then Jack was poudin’ in harder, his face when Ennis could pry his eyes open a mask of concentration, and then the white fire was fillin’ Ennis sight completely, and he dimly realized that Jack had reached down to stroke his cock, wedged tight between their bodies, just an added feelin’ of Jack bein’ everywhere.

Ennis was gaspin’, wantin’ ta’ tell Jack, he wanted him everywhere, every way, and he managed ta’ get out, “Jack, I feel you everywhere,” and Jack’s face was tender and hot and everythin’ all together, and Ennis was comin’ like that bolt of lightning as singed their tree only yesterday, shoutin’, givin’ it all ta’ Jack, he hoped Jack could feel it, and maybe Jack could, ‘cause he pulled Ennis’ legs up even higher, buried himself deeper, threw his head back and froze, then spilled into Ennis forever, sayin’ “Ohh,” long enough for Ennis ta’ come ta’ his senses just a little and watch Jack’s face, passion makin’ it even more beautiful.

Then Jack was collapsin’ his forehead down on Ennis’ again, down ta’ his elbows, lettin’ Ennis’ legs down, pantin’ “Oh God, Oh god” into Ennis’ face, and Ennis was whisperin’ back “fuck,” and after a bit of time Jack collapsed down full on Ennis, slidin’ out slow, though it still made Ennis wince just a little.

Jack felt it, ‘cause he said all tender, “I hurt you, Ennis?” and Ennis felt like cryin’ from Jack, even now, after everythin’, carin’ so much not ta’ hurt him. Ennis said, a little hoarse, “not hardly,”and pulled his arms tighter ‘round Jack.

Ennis felt like he could lie like this forever, Jack coverin’ his body, safe and warm in his arms, and he let his feelins’ come out his lips, kissed Jack so sweet on his hair, buried as he was in Ennis’ neck. Jack’s lips were puttin’ little kisses on Ennis’ neck, Jack’s nose was rubbin’ up and down his skin.

Ennis wanted ta’ tell Jack somethin’ of what he was feelin’, what he’d been thinkin’, alone in his tent at night or workin’ the ranch, but words just wouldn’t come, so he just pulled him tighter and said “Jack.” Jack musta heard the feelins’ in his voice, ‘cause he said back “Ennis,” and it sounded like that boy he’d been.

Jack rolled a little to the side, said “don’t want to squish you,” and Ennis grunted, rolled a little himself, keepin’ his arms ‘round Jack.

“Never thought I’d live ta’ see the day Ennis del Mar did somethin’ like that.” Jack’s voice sounded careful.

“I been thinkin’.”

Jack smiled. “Uh oh.”

Ennis hit Jack’s arm and Jack said “hey!” and they was laughin’ like always.

Jack snugged in tight again, asked “Whatcha been thinkin’?”

“Lots o’ stuff, but it was about this.” Ennis rubbed Jack’s arm. Jack stayed quiet. Ennis said “still haven’t thought nothin’ ‘bout when I was younger.” He took a breath. Jack squeezed his arms tighter. “But I can see I do like men. More’n women.”

There was silence, and Ennis heard the evenin’ sounds of cicadas and off in the distance some bird cooin’. The silence went on a long time. “Jack?”

Jack nuzzled into his ear after a bit. “You gonna start up with Glen now I’m comin’ the other direction?”

“Nothin’ happened, Jack. ‘Cept - .”

“’Cept what?”

“’Cept I felt stuff, havin’ ta’ do with him bein’ a guy. Not ‘bout him.

Jack took a sharp breath. “That’s it exactly, Ennis, what you just said.”

Ennis could tell Jack had a world of feelin’, years of livin’, behind those words. “Yeah. Learned somethin’ else, too. I think I must - .” He stopped, sighed. Ennis couldn’t see Jack’s face, but he could tell Jack understood what he was sayin’. “I must give off some of it, that’s all. Not knowin’ it, look a certain way at people or somethin’.”

Jack’s hand came to Ennis face out of the dark now, gently cuppin’ the side of his head. “You been doin’ a lot of thinkin’, Ennis. So’ve I.” Jack’s voice was hushed, serious. “After I talked ta’ you on the phone the last time, I told Bill I wasn’t gonna see him no more, like that.”

Now it was Ennis’ turn to be silent, and it seemed like it was only him and Jack in the whole world, them and that ancient Tower, still risin’ up where Ennis could see it, barely, in the dark lit up only by starlight and the faintest remnant of light in the west. Ennis felt some wet come to his eyes, raised a hand to swipe it away fast. Jack’s arms tightened around him.

Jack’s voice was a whisper. “I ain’t the swearin’ kind, Ennis, you know that.”

“Me neither.” Ennis’ voice came out hushed, like the night surroundin’ them.

“Yeah. But I wanna make a promise now ta’ you.”

Ennis swallowed on the feelin’ risin’ up in him. He raised up onto an elbow, stared down at Jack’s face, visible as a lighter patch in the dark. “I told you, Jack, no promises, it don’t - .”

Jack brought his hand up gentle over Ennis’ mouth. “I know what you said, and there was reason for it, but I been thinkin’, and it’s time. I couldn’t think too well when you came ta’ Childress, you blew my brain right out my dick like always. Then you just blew my mind by bein’ here. After I talked ta’ you that second time, I thought it through. Not fair, not right ta’ have you here, doin’ this thing, and me doin’ that. Don’t want it anyway. Only ever thinkin’ of you anyway, no matter who - .”

Jack swallowed. Ennis brought his hand down to the side of Jack’s face, couldn’t say nothin’ at all. “It’s time, Ennis, I want to promise. I ain’t gonna be with no one else, not while you’re here. I got more stuff ta’ think on before I can think ‘bout movin’ here, stuff ta’ figure out, we can talk about that later. But while you’re here, ain’t gonna do nothin’ with nobody. Know ya’ might not believe me, but that’s the truth.”

Ennis heard the determination in Jack’s voice. His heart was beatin’ fast and his eyes was stingin’. Ennis had ta’ clear his throat. “Ya’ reckon ya’ can go that long just wringin’ it out, bud? Might hurt ya’ or somethin’.”

Jack hit Ennis’ arm. “Fuck you.”

Ennis chuckled. “I told ya’, that ain’t the way it’s gonna be.”

Jack laughed, then craned his neck up, brushed his lips over Ennis’ feather light, said low and sultry, “whatever you say, cowboy.”

Ennis laughed, still a little shy ‘bout this new thing in their lovin’, but laughed anyway from joy and from Jack. Their laughter joined and mingled and rang out clear in the Wyomin’ night.

“Ya’ hungry?” Jack sat up and pulled on his jeans, started fumblin’ for the bag of food.

“You bet.” Ennis pulled on his jeans too, his shirt.

Jack rustled around in the bottom of the bag, pulled out a foil-wrapped package. Ennis could see it glint in the starlight. “Hm, will you look at that?”

“Whut?”

“Momma musta thrown this in.”

Jack unwrapped the foil. “Brownies.”

Ennis smiled. “She sure is a big one fer chocolate.”

Jack nodded. “And picnics, apparently.”

Ennis sat on the blankets close behind Jack, wrapped his arms ‘round him from behind, said “picnics are growin’ on me, I think.”

Jack leaned back into Ennis, let his head rest on his shoulder. “Mmm.”

Ennis’ stomach growled and they both laughed. Jack started handin’ Ennis food, and Ennis crawled to retrieve the beer bottles they’d tossed aside earlier, came back to sit cross-legged near Jack. “So what’s the story on this place, huh?”

“Don’t know much.” Jack munched a sandwich. “Local Indians thought it was a sacred place. Still do. Have lots of ceremonies here. Thought they was safe here, came here to worship their God.”

“Worship the rock?”

“Nah. Great Spirit. Thought the rock was special, though, came here for vision quests, healin’ ceremonies. I knew a Sioux, Lakota, growin’ up. He came here every summer solstice.”

“Huh. Does seem kinda mystical, don’t it?”

Jack took a swallow of beer. “Sure does. Puts ya’ in mind a’ how puny we are.”

“Like the stars. Ain’t no night sky nowhere like Wyomin’s, near as I can tell.”

“Yup.” Jack’s voice sounded warm.

“Want another beer?”

“Sure.”

Ennis opened a bottle, passed it to Jack. “Probably the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. How the hell did it get like that?”

“Don’ know. Earth’s old, though, real old. Somethin’ ta’ do with that. Up at the Visitor Center we could read about it. Probably closed, but there’s some signs outside I think. You wanna go?”

“Hmm, leave this blanket with no one ‘round fer miles, best company in the world - ” Ennis leaned over, grabbed Jack’s head and kissed him hard and fast, pulled off, “ - or go ta’ a place ta’ read some science shit. Let me think on that.”

Jack scooted over and slid down, lay his head in Ennis’ lap, munchin’ a brownie. “This okay?”

Ennis stroked Jack’s hair with his fingers. “More’n okay. How’d you know ‘bout this place anyway?”

Jack sighed, was quiet for a bit. “You sure you wanna hear?”

Ennis took a sharp breath, hadn’t been expectin’ such an innocent question ta’ make Jack say somethin’ like that. Still, he said nice and calm, “no one here but me’n the night. And we said truth.”

“Yeah. Came out here in high school one time. Came with my best friend, Peter. I knew I felt stuff for him that – that I shouldn’t. We was drinkin’, havin’ fun, stumbled on this place. Never’d seen anythin’ like it. Moon was full, looked like somethin’ from another planet. Peter looked – like somethin’ fine.”

Ennis grunted.

“I almost touched him, Ennis, my hand was reachin’ out. Somethin’ stopped me, somethin’ ‘bout that Tower there – so old and still seeming. Good thing. That next week he and a couple o’other guys beat up on a guy in our school as people called fag, left him beat bad. He never came back to school.”

Ennis’ hand had froze on Jack’s hair, and he didn’t know what ta’ say, so he just said “sorry.”

“How you been doin’ on that stuff, Ennis?”

Ennis squirmed, wished he could say he didn’t know what Jack meant. “Good. I got – I got things I think ‘bout when I start feelin’ – bad, or all that.”

“Afraid?”

Ennis swallowed. He said in the quietest possible voice, “mainly fer you.”

Jack reached up a hand to the back of Ennis’ neck, pulled his face down and brushed a kiss feather light on his mouth, whispered, “Now you’re here I’m safe, I know it. Ennis, I really cain’t believe it, you cain’t know what it means ta’ me - .” Jack’s voice clogged up.

Ennis whispered, “I’m sorry, Jack.”

Jack raised his hand ta’ cover Ennis’ mouth, but Ennis pulled it gently aside, said “sorry I went off on ya’ today, too.”

“Told ya’, my fault. But I’m so scared yer goin’ ta’ leave, if the goin’ gets rough.”

Ennis shook his head. “I might need some time ta’ breathe, like today, but I ain’t leavin’.”

Jack asked, light, but Ennis could hear the serious underneath, “that a promise?”

Ennis’ heart lurched. He felt his head nodding. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a promise. I’m stayin’.”

Jack’s fingers were curlin’ in Ennis’ hair on the side of his head. “We’ve never made no promises before.”

Ennis let his hand stroke Jack’s hair, Jack warm and breathin’ right there on his lap. “Nope. First time fer everything.”

“Yeah.” Ennis reached down with his lips at the same moment Jack reached up with his, for a kiss so sweet, Ennis felt it curl ‘round his heart like a livin’ thing.

Seemed they both needed a bit of time to recover from all that, but after some quiet, Jack said, “So, paint colors.”

“Yeah, Bonnie’s been on me about it. Wouldn’t you think a gal like that wouldn’t care ‘bout paint colors and shit like that?”

Jack laughed. “What d’ya mean?”

“Well, gals like them – likin’ other girls n’all, how come they’re still the same as other gals with that stuff?”

Ennis could feel Jack frown. “Never thought o’ that. Maybe they’re not all like that? Maybe the whole woman thing’s so strong it don’t cancel that out. They cook and sew and stuff too?”

“Well, Lisa cooks. Sewin’ – I don’t know. Sews up animals. Doubt many dresses and such.”

“By rights, we oughta be like that, accordin’ ta’ some, you know?”

“Huh?” Ennis shifted a little, eased Jack’s head a little more into his lap.

“Bein’ gay. We should like that shit. Like what colors for walls.”

“Yeah. Lots o’ queers is like that. You know some like that?”

Jack nodded. “Come across a few in my time. Nice enough fellas really. Not my type.” Ennis could feel Jack’s huge grin from his fingers on his face. “Like you mighta figured out. You ain’t exactly – prancy.”

“And I’m your type?”

Jack smiled. “That’s fer damn sure.”

Ennis felt tiredness suddenly claim him. “You tired, bud?”

Jack nodded. “Almost asleep.”

“We gonna stay here?”

“Thought so, head back before first light? “

“Should go back, probably.” Ennis knew his voice didn’t sound convinced.

Jack leveraged off Ennis’ lap, went to piss, came back and spread the bedrolls better, laid down. “Just a few hours. I want this, Ennis.”

Ennis grunted. “You know I do too.”

Jack reached for Ennis, pulled him down and around his body. “I know it.”

Ennis let himself do everythin’ he wanted. He reached his arms ‘round Jack, pulled him in snug, wrapped his legs so they were twined with Jack, brought his forehead ta’ touch Jack’s, so he could feel Jack’s breath on his face.

Jack reached his arms strong around Ennis, pulled them together even tighter. Ennis could see that ancient rock risin’ up beyond the trees, now outlined pretty clear from the thousands of stars appearin’ in that high clear sky. Ennis whispered, “the stars are out tonight, Jack,” and Jack breathed, “always are when I’m with you,” and Ennis said “Jack,” and pulled them closer still. Jack made a happy noise deep in his throat, the kind he made driftin off ta’ sleep, and Ennis thought how lucky he was ta’ know what sound Jack Twist made on the edge of sleep. Ennis’ last thought before he slept was some nonsense about the Tower guardin’ them, keepin’ them safe.

He woke with Jack whisperin’ in his ear, “Ennis, we gotta go if we want ta’ get there ‘fore my folks get up. Though I don’t care myself.”

Ennis groaned. He wasn’t some spring chicken ta’ be sleepin’ out in nature on blankets no more. “I care. Give ‘em time ta’ get used to it. Yer daddy.”

It wasn’t easy leavin’ that snug warmth, but they did it, Ennis grumblin’ ‘bout crazy fools who wanted to lie on the cold ground when they had a perfectly good bed in their own folks’ house, and Jack shootin’ back it was better than some pup tent, though tents had been pretty good to him.

They made it to the truck, bleary-eyed, but warmed up considerable on the drive back, Jack lettin’ Ennis drive, and curlin’ into Ennis’ side after scootin’ closer and closer on the bench seat.

They was laughin’ at a bad joke when they pulled into the Twists’ driveway, and Jack said “shh.”

Ennis said “you’re the loud one, you fool,” and that set them laughin’ again. Ennis cut the engine and glided to a silent stop next to the barn. He couldn’t help but turn ta’ Jack next ta’ him, kissin’ him thorough one last time. They pulled apart, reluctant, got out silent.

They retrieved their stuff from the back of the truck, and Jack whispered, “I’ll sneak in,” and Ennis said, “I’ll start workin’,” but couldn’t help runnin’ his hand one more time down Jack’s cheek.

Jack smiled and turned to go, then froze, starin’ at the dooway into the barn. The sun was approachin’ the eastern horizon, so the sky was lightenin’, enough so Ennis could make out Jack’s face good. His expression was – horror?”

Ennis looked in the direction Jack was lookin’, toward the barn door. Ennis felt blood rush to his head. John Twist was standin’ in the door of the barn, starin’ at Jack, expression on his face like – like worms was crawlin’ up Jack’s shirt, like Jack had grabbed a tiny baby and flung it ‘gainst the wall.

Ennis looked away, couldn’t look. Couldn’t believe it, here he’d been warnin’ Jack forever to be careful, and then it was Ennis as gave them away. Fuck. Shame roiled through his stomach, waves of nausea coursin’ up to his throat. Thinkin’ on what he and Jack did together, now his Daddy knowin’ how Ennis thought on Jack, what Ennis did to Jack, what Jack did to him – it made him sick with shame. Ta’ think that man would know the way they touched, what they thought on.

And worse, he had the power ta’ break both their hearts. If Ennis couldn’t be in Lightning Flat, where could he go to pull Jack toward him? Maybe Texas, but that thought sent chills through his veins. Riverton again? Worse.

Ennis felt another bolt of shame course through him, but this time a new kind. Some kind of courage he had, lookin’ away like that, starin’ off to the horizon, lettin’ Jack deal with this by himself. What kind o’ man, almost forty years old, cowers before some pissant dictator? Wasn’t like Twist knew what love was, or if he did, he sure didn’t act it. Wasn’t like Twist had some great family, all sittin’ on his knees for grandpa ta’ tell stories, like the daddies and granddaddies in picture books. If he didn’t want to think on what his son did in the dark, didn’t want to think on what Ennis thought on in the light, then he should just think on somethin’ else.

Ennis spared time to think, I’m sorry, Jack, then turned his face back to Twist. The disgust was still there, sneer pullin’ up the corner of his mouth. He looked between Ennis and Jack, then back to Ennis, eyes narrowed. Ennis brought his own eyes up full, stared right into Twist’s face. Not a cougar, attackin’, but a bear, protectin’ her own. Tried ta’ have it feel like that, at least. Tried to show a little of what he felt for Jack, too, tried ta’ have his own eyes go a little soft.

Couldn’t Twist see it, the twenty years between ‘em? Couldn’t he see that this was better than death on the highway, death from the tire iron?

Ennis heard a voice. “John, John, what’s happening?”

Evelyn. Nightgown and slippers, walkin’ toward the barn.

Twist spat out, “nothin’ concernin’ you, Evelyn, go back inside.”

She walked closer. “Jack?”

Twist stood there for a minute, eyes narrowing further, gatherin’ storm. His voice came harsh in the dawn quiet. “Think I always knew. Figures. Bad enough you was always worthless, but a faggot too.” Twist headed for the house.

Jack raised a hand, forehead crinkled. “Daddy - .”

Twist turned, said furious and low, “Don’t you daddy me. I’m ashamed o’ you, you’re filthy. It’s disgustin’, makes me sick, you probably turned him wrong too.” He jerked a thumb in Ennis’ direction. “I shoulda known, maybe I did know. Probably knew all along, that’s why -.” He turned on his heel, strode towards the house, stopped and spat. Said over his shoulder, spittin’ venom, “”Ya’ got me in a tight spot, Jack, and ya’ know it. Else you’d both be gone. But ya’ might as well be dead ta’ me.” He stomped off, shoulders tight, leavin’ a deathly silence in its wake.

Ennis could hardly do it, but he turned to look at Jack. All the perky was out o’ him, and he looked like he’d been sucker punched. Jack raised his eyes to Ennis, and Ennis couldn’t even mouth sorry, but tried to put it in his eyes. Evelyn was close by now, set her shoulders, said in a steely voice Ennis had never heard yet, “I’m goin’ to go talk to him.”

Jack said quiet, “no, Ma, let it be.”

She turned and looked at him, hands on hips.

Jack said low. “Ma, ain’t yer battle, ain’t gettin’ you in the middle. He goes off on you, I ain’t gonna be responsible for what I do to him, you hear me? Not any more. He can say whatever he wants to me, don’t hurt me none. He hurts you, I’ll kill him.”

“I know better than that, Jack. Words can hurt bad. Worse. I never shoulda let him say those things ta’ you, do them things ta’ you when you was young.”

Jack stepped close to his ma. His voice was tender. “You were so young, momma, so poor, no schoolin’. What was you gonna do with a little boy like me? You kept me fed and healthy, and strong. I did fine.”

“I don’t know.” Evelyn looked in the direction Twist had gone, bitin’ her lip.

Jack’s voice got even softer. “You taught me ‘bout love, ma.”

Ennis felt tears prick in his eyes. Evelyn glanced at Ennis, looked back to Jack, smiled a little smile. “Maybe I did, at that.”

Ennis cleared his throat, didn’t know if he should say anything, but couldn’t help it, her eyes were so shiny. He heard his own voice rasp out “and cookies with the dinner.”

Evelyn laughed a little, and Jack looked shocked, then joined in. Jack quirked an eyebrow at Ennis in a way Ennis wasn’t sure he really should be, front of his momma like that. “Why I couldn’t settle for beans.”

Ennis choked a little. Jack turned to his momma, said, “I’m sorry, momma. Shoulda told you before. Know you don’t approve.”

“Ain’t sayin’ I understand it, Jack, ain’t what the church teaches, but you’re my son, and God gave us all minds ta’ think with. I know you. And I don’t think God makes mistakes.”

Jack hugged her then real good, and Ennis had ta’ breathe deep on her words. No mistakes?

Ennis cleared his throat when they’d pulled back a little, said “well, I’m late to start workin’.”

“Where you goin’?” Jack looked at him wide eyed.

“Got a spread to help run, don’t I?”

“What about my daddy?” Jack swallowed. “You gonna have to be ‘round my Daddy?”

Ennis nodded. “We’re checkin’ the place for strikes, workin’ on the barn, bunch o’ stuff.”

Jack looked horrified. “I better come with ya’.”

Ennis smiled a grim smile. “Told you I knew it’d get harder. You should wait a little, let him settle in. I know a little bit ‘bout stubborn sons of – “ Ennis remembered Evelyn, choked. “uh, stubborn guys. He and I can work together not sayin’ nothin’ all mornin’.”

That’s the way it went, too, them checkin’ the close by land that hadn’t been surveyed yesterday for dead stock, wrecked buildins’ or equipment, then checkin’ with Joe and Early and Charlie fer reports on the far pastures. Looked like they hadn’t had much loss, and Twist started ta’ say somethin’, caught himself and didn’t.

For all his brave words, Ennis felt sick ta’ his stomach the whole time, images of what Twist must be thinkin’ on twistin’ in his brain. Shame and fear roiled in Ennis’ belly, thinkin’ on havin ta’ work with this man, him full of dirty thoughts. Or worse, Twist decidin’ he wanted him gone, damn the money and the help ta’ the spread Ennis clearly had been.

Jack joined them after an hour or so, askin’ Ennis what to do, a fact his Daddy noticed, no doubt, his shoulders hunchin’ up as he turned his back on Jack. Ennis felt a grey fear coilin’ down deep, and this was nothin’ compared ta’ what might happen if the town got wind of it.

They sat silent at supper, Jack and his ma makin’ small talk, Twist not even lookin’ at Jack or Ennis. Phone rang and Evelyn went to get it, came back in, said “Jack, phone’s for you.”

“Fer me? Is it Lureen? Is Bobby okay?”

“It’s not her. Someone named Patsy. Sounds upset.”

Jack’s face got a surprised look. He pushed back from the table, walked fast to the kitchen with his brow furrowed.

Ennis shrugged his sholders ta’ Evelyn, John ignorin’ the whole thing. Ennis heard Jack’s voice risin’ and fallin’, but couldn’t make out the words. Didn’t sound good. Reminded him for some reason, with a twist in his gut, of Jack on the phone in his house in Childress, talking with that rancher boyfriend.

Jack finally came out, face white. John Twist had left long ago, so it was just Evelyn and Ennis.

Evelyn stood up, said, “I’ll leave you two to -.”

“No, momma, you gotta know this, too.” Jack looked at Ennis, looked around that little dining room, looked at the ceiling. His eyes were troubled, and Ennis could see he was havin’ trouble holdin’ still. “I gotta go. Gotta go right now, back to Childress.”

“What’s wrong, Jack?” Ennis hardly recognized his own voice, changed by the kick ta’ the gut o’ that announcement Jack was leavin’. What was Jack talkin’ about? Not so soon, not when they’d just -.

“Gotta go right now. Friend of mine –“ Jack looked right into Ennis’ eyes, took a breath – “good friend of mine, he’s in the hospital, may not make it through the next few days.”

Ennis felt a physical punch knowin’ what them words “good friend” likely meant.

“What’s wrong with him, Jack?” Evelyn’s voice, concerned.

Jack swallowed. “He was in a bad accident. Hurt real bad. I don’t know the details. Somethin’ off the highway. That was his wife. She’s real shook up, thought ta’ call me. I just gotta go. I’m his closest friend, he’s got no family there.” He turned ta’ Ennis, some kinda feelin’ in his eyes, then headed towards the door.

Jack’s momma stood up, headed for the kitchen, called back “Don’t leave without some food. I’ll put it up for you right now.”

Ennis tried ta’ get his legs ta’ work, headed out the door after Jack.

“Jack?” His voice came out pitiful, shamefully pitiful. Jack was goin’ to leave him here with his daddy, shootin’ Ennis hateful knowin’ looks? Leave him, after he’d laid himself open like that? He’d said he’d be here for almost a week, they was goin’ ta’ have time, ta’ talk and - .

Jack turned around, almost like he was surprised to hear Ennis, thoughts far away. “Ennis, oh God, I’m sorry. Just – they need me, she’s so shook up, he may die tonight. Fuck.”

Ennis took a step closer to Jack. Feelins’ was bubblin’ up in him. His heart was beatin’ fast, he felt tears pokin’ at his eyes, and his fists was clenched. “Jack, wait a minute. I mean, we were just gettin’ goin’ here, and now you’re leavin’?” Jack’d said, he’d promised, just this last night, no more other men, and now he was goin’ back ta’ this one as had staked some kinda claim on Jack, he could feel it?

Jack’s eyes narrowed a little, but he spoke reasonable. “Guy’s on his deathbed and you’re thinkin’ about us? It ain’t all about you, Ennis.”

Ennis took a step closer, was a coupla’ feet from Jack now. “It’s him, ain’t it? Cabin owner, rancher?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, not that it matters, but yeah. Bill. We been friends with them forever, me’n Lureen. Wives don’t know of course.”

Jack turned to go again.

Ennis took a step closer, was just an arm’s length away from Jack now.

“Cain’t you wait just a little before ya’ leave ta’ see the guy you - . “ Ennis stopped himself, lowered his voice. “Jack, you and me was - .”

Jack turned, interrupted him. “He may be dead as we speak, ya’ might call him by his name.”

Ennis clenched his fists tighter. That riptide as always sought to suck him down was pullin’ hard at his heels now. “Fine, sure. Bill. I’ll call him by name. I’m sorry that I’m not too thrilled ta’ have ya’ runnin’ off ta’ the guy as has been fuckin’ ya’ for – how long has it been, Jack?”

Jack had his hands on his waist now, head pushed forward. “’Bout four or five years, asshole, if you wanna know. Jesus.”

Ennis’ breathin’ came hard, and his chest was heavin’. His voice still came out pitiful. “Jack, we made promises.” He took a breath, hardened his voice so it wouldn’t sound like pleadin’, “Yer already breakin’ yer fuckin’ promise and it hasn’t even been a fuckin’ day.”

“Ain’t breakin’ any promise. Christ. Grow up, Ennis.”

Ennis advanced on Jack. “You’re tellin’ me ta’ grow up. Yer the one as thinks he’s some young stud, screwin’ all of America and more. Promises don’t mean nothin’, I was right all along.”

Jack stepped closer, pushed his finger right in Ennis’ chest. “Don’t worry ‘bout it – don’t worry about yer fuckin’ promise, ya’ can fuckin’ leave anytime, I won’t hold ya’ to it. All ya’ ever did was leave, anyway.”

Ennis felt it like a physical blow, knockin’ the wind out of him, stood there, helpless, then gasped in a chest full of air, felt the venom lace his voice, said “Yeah, well, I don’t expect you to keep yours anyway, Jack, so you forget it, too. What’s it been – a week since you stopped with him?”

Jack was shakin’ now, white-faced, hands back on his waist. “Three weeks, you son of a bitch. Three fuckin’ weeks. Since I talked ta’ you on the phone that second time and, miracle of God, you was still here.” Jack stepped back, headed to his truck. “I gotta go. Man’s probably dyin’ and all you’re thinkin’ about is -.” Jack shook his head, got in the truck, shut the door with a bang, revved the engine and peeled out on the road.

All the air had left Ennis, all the blood seemed to have left his veins. This was wrong, everything had been going so well, they was findin’ each other again, his Jack had been in his arms and now -. Shit. Ennis’ feelins’ was bubblin’ up inside him, watchin’ Jack’s truck getting’ smaller and smaller, dust from the road billowin’ up strong behind it.

A wind kicked up from the west, where clouds were buildin’ again into massed thunderheads. Dust swirled up and coated Ennis’ hands, hands that had just held Jack a few minutes before. Ennis kicked a rock, hard. “Shit!” The rock was embedded into the earth, and his toes was bruised, hurtin’ bad. Wished the hurt on the outside took away the hurtin’ inside, but it didn’t, he already knew that from long experience.

John Twist appeared out of nowhere. “You gonna get ta’ the stock any time this week?” A little smirk played around his lips, like he was thinkin’ on Ennis bein’ queer.

Ennis grunted, started toward the barn. Twist said ta’ Ennis’ back, “just like Jack ta’ leave out of nowhere. Never could rely on him none.”

Ennis took a breath, turned to face him. Twist wasn’t gonna let him forget bein’ queer for one minute, he could tell. “I’m gonna get ta’ everythin’ like I have all along. ‘Less you wanna tell me to go.”

Twist pulled his eyes off to the side. “I ain’t the one as has the say.”

Ennis took a step closer to him, and him being at the end of his rope musta shown in his eyees, ‘cause Twist turned ta’ walk away, spittin’ back over his shoulder, “just get to the fuckin’ stock.”

Ennis didn’t have the heart to eat supper with the Twists tonight, wasn’t hungry anyway. Evelyn forced a wrapped sandwich on him, didn’t say a word ‘bout Jack or anythin’ else.

That night, Ennis went into the house and gathered up all the evidence they’d been there. Sleepin’ bags, lantern, blankets, Jack’s wet clothes. He’d been in such a hurry, hadn’t even gotten those.

Somethin’ caught Ennis’ eye as he was about to walk out. Somethin’ white on the mantle. He walked over. Pieces of paper – some paint chips from Bonnie’s pile, and what looked like – a note. Note with Jack’s familiar letterin’ on it. Jack musta done this sometime yesterday before they went to Devil’s Tower.

Ennis read the note. It said, “Your choice but I like these.” Ennis looked at the paint chips. Two of ‘em, fancy names circled at the bottom. One was “cumulus white.” Ennis felt a jolt of pain to his heart, thinkin’ on the clouds that always came up in the afternoon on Brokeback, sure enough what Jack’d been thinkin’ on, too. Jack’d taught Ennis the difference between cumulus, cirrus, all of ‘em, one afternoon in the high meadow. Ennis’d known what all them different types of clouds meant, had to ‘cause o’ ranchin’, but didn’t know the right words.

Ennis picked up the other chip. His heart beat hard. Circled at the bottom in Jack’s dark pen, the name: “Lupine blue.” Ennis sat down on the floor of that house, right there in the middle of the floor, the weight of sadness and anger pushin’ heavy on his shoulders.

What was he goin’ to do? His pride had took a lot of hits today, and most of him wanted ta’ say fuck ‘em all, John Twist with his disdain, all the queers as made him think ‘bout things he didn’t want to think about, and most of all, fuck Jack Twist, true asshole, runnin’ off at the beck and call of some guy in Childress, when Ennis had laid his body open, his heart too, almost, and come here to his folks’ place, grovelin’ for Jack ta’ come.

What the fuck was Jack waitin’ on anyway? He’d been buggin’ Ennis forever for this – be together, move closer, have a ranch together. It’d all been bullshit apparently, or close enough. Fucker. Now Jack just kept sayin’ shit about he had ta’ think about stuff, figure it out. What was there ta’ figure ‘cept Bill?

Tears of anger, or maybe sadness, gathered in his eyes, the tears makin’ him madder still. Fuck. Ennis really didn’t know what to do. What he should do was pack his stuff, tell the Twists thank you and head back to Riverton. Don would give him a sofa to sleep on, and he could get his old job back no doubt. ‘Course by now half the town probably knew he was queer, hell at this point most of Wyomin’ did. Jack’s fault, too. Ennis stood up and threw the paint chips into the corner, kicked the sleepin’ bags that he’d let drop to the floor, then kicked ‘em again. “Fuck!”

He recognized this feelin’ – it was the feelin’ of wantin’ his fist to connect with flesh, have someone’s fist connect with his, lose himself in the pain. It was either that or drinkin’ tonight, no way he was gonna lie in that fuckin’ tent ta’ toss n’turn and think about Jack leavin’ like that, not even no words from him ta’ make it easier.

Wasn’t going to drink alone either, and he was almost out of whiskey anyway. He found his keys, headed for his truck. It wasn’t late at all, the bar’d be open for hours. Fuck Jack. That’s what he felt, and that’s what he meant. He was goin’ to town without him, and drinkin’ what he wanted. He’d figure out tomorrow what ta’ do ‘bout Lightnin’ Flat. A man had his pride, and Ennis had stretched ‘till he couldn’t stretch no more.

Fuck Jack Twist.

Ennis sat in the booth and stared at the empty shot glasses lined up on the table in front of him. Four of ‘em, and a coupla empty beer bottles, too. He’d moved on to beer a few minutes ago, knowin’ he was headin’ for trouble if he didn’t watch out. Probably headin’ there anyway, but he’d learned a few things ‘bout himself over the years, and poundin’ down shots was a guaranteed fistfight or worse.

At least this time he’d had the sense to get a dark booth in the back of the shitty little bar that was Lightnin’ Flat’s one place you could get liquor. He wasn’t sittin’ on no barstool this time, didn’t want no trouble. Just wanted to be alone with his thoughts, and his thoughts weren’t pretty.

The first coupla shots had taken the edge off his anger, least he thought so. Now he was slippin’ into a kind of numbness, that same feelin’ he’d nursed for many a long year. Still, he felt the anger lappin’ at his edges, ready to spring if the opportunity struck.

He probably should just pack up his crap, head on back to Riverton, beg mercy from Alma and Don, find a trailer or somethin’ ta’ call home. Was his own fuckin’ fault, he knew that clear, that Jack wasn’t exactly runnin’ into his arms at the drop of a hat. Ennis didn’t have nothin’ or nobody, but Jack did. Sure, Ennis had his girls, but it wasn’t like he spent more’n a few hours a month with them anyway. Jack had Bobby, and Lureen, a fancy job, that house, and of course he had that Bill fella. And who knew how many more.

Ennis remembered everythin’ Jack had said to him since he’d arrived in that lightnin’ storm, everythin’ he’d said before that, too, at that fella’s cabin. Jack was doin’ what Ennis had asked for, tellin’ truth ‘bout things. Now Ennis knew the truth, and it was a damn hard truth. Hurt like hell, thinkin’ on Jack with someone else, thinkin’ on Jack headin’ there right now, loyalty to Bill pullin’ him that thousand miles. Hurt like hell and pissed him off royally. He couldn’t believe Jack would leave like that, just leave, after that perfect night, after Ennis’d opened himself up like that.

It was probably just hopeless. Too little, too late, from Ennis. They was ships passin’ in the night, not quite able to hitch together. Irony of life, wasn’t it, Ennis finally ready to try somethin’, but Jack not able. It was breakin’ his heart, but sometimes life was like that. He didn’t deserve Jack, anyway, didn’t deserve nothin’, and it was his own damn fault he’d let himself think he did. It just set you up for more pain in the long run if you got thinkin’ on reachin’ for a little happiness.

It was crazy what he’d tried to do. Jack’s daddy was dead set opposed, and how could Ennis think that Jack’d want to come to the very place he spent his whole life runnin’ from? The very place he ran from the minute he got the chance? Sure, when Jack was still young and hopeful, he’d of followed Ennis ta’ the end o’ the earth, never carin’ where it was, but that day was long gone, and he himself had been the one to make Jack change.

He’d pack up tomorrow, say his thank yous to Evelyn, and head on out. Jack would understand. Wasn’t from anger, but from facin’ the truth. Truth was, he meant less to Jack than this other fella.

No, that wasn’t right neither. He was gettin’ better, maybe, at catchin’ himself out tellin’ himself stories. Jack wasn’t lyin’ to Ennis no more, and he’d told Ennis he was all he wanted. Ennis knew in his heart that Jack only wanted him, he really did, wouldn’t even deny that no more. But it was just too damn late. Wasn’t gonna work, and that was just as well. Those visions of Jack from his nightmare were still possible if they actually shacked up. He’d made the effort, done his piece, and now he could free Jack ta’ stay down there in Childress where he had so much. Up here, Jack had nothin’, nothin’ ‘cept Ennis, Ennis with nothin’ to offer.

“Can I buy ya’ another?” Ennis focused his eyes, eyes that’d been busy seein’ someone not there. That Glen fella had slid into the booth across from him. He’d laid his hat on the booth’s seat next to him, and his hair showed sandy and long in the light from the neon sign in the nearby window.

Ennis scowled. “Don’t want no company.”

Glen laughed. “Well, you’re sure di-rect. Can I just drink mine a minute here?” He lifted his beer mug, took a swallow.

Ennis grunted. “Suit yourself.”

Glen looked at Ennis for a while. Ennis stared into his beer. After a bit, Glen leaned forward a little over the table. “Listen, I’m sorry ‘bout the other day.”

Ennis looked up. “Nothin’ to apologize for.”

“Hmph.” Glen snorted. “I don’t usually --.” He took another swallow. “I don’t usually mess with strangers like that. I’d had a hard day. Hard week.” He snorted. “Hell, a hard year. I ain’t like that, really.”

“S’alright. I said that.” Ennis toyed with his napkin. He wanted to leave, but it seemed like too much effort.

“So, ya’ drownin’ yer sorrows?” Glen leaned back and stared at the shot glasses lined up in front of Ennis.

“You could say that.” Why the fuck was he talkin’ ta’ this guy?

“Yeah. I’m still havin’ a hard week. Another one. Truth is --.” Ennis looked up finally, saw Glen lookin’ off at that damn neon sign. “Truth is – my operation’s not goin’ too good right now. My ex’s still gettin’ alimony, too. And I’m getting’ old and ain’t got no one, ya’ know?”

Ennis just stared at him.

Glen shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry. Don’t know why I’m tellin’ ya. It just gets a little – lonely, is all.” He drained his mug. “You just seem as someone who knows what that is. I’ll be shovin’ off.”

“No.” The word was out before Ennis could stop it. “No need ta’ go. Here.” Ennis shoved a half-full Coors bottle across the table. “Help yerself.”

“I better go. I might hurt yer reputation.” Glen’s face twisted in something meant to be a smile.

Ennis laughed, bitter laugh from twenty years. “I ain’t long for these parts anyway.”

“Ya’ ain’t?” Glen looked surprised. “But I thought -- .” He stopped himself, looked down at his mug again. “Well, don’t matter.”

Ennis’ forehead bunched up. “What’d you think?”

Glen shook his head. “Weren’t nothin’.”

Ennis leaned forward. “Now see here, you gotta tell me.” Ennis felt the fear and then the anger, washin’ against his control. His worry ‘bout Jack, always in the background, surged forward.

Glen looked Ennis in the face, pursed his lips. “Look. I know ‘bout Jack, okay? And since I guessed ‘bout you, I just thought --.” He raised his eyebrow in a significant look. “Hell, what do I know, right?“

“How do you know ‘bout Jack? You put the moves on him?” Ennis’ voice came out a bit of a growl.

Glen cocked his eyebrow. “Knew ‘bout Jack ‘cause I knew. ‘Specially easy ta’ know considerin’ we had to be the only two guys like that in the whole fuckin’ county.”

Despite himself, Ennis snorted.

“Sure I put the moves on Jack. Man’d have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to try.” He aimed a significant glance at Ennis. “Real dumb.” He held up a pacifyin’ hand. “He wasn’t never interested. He always seemed – I don’t know – sad or somethin’ when he come to Lightnin’ Flat.”

It was Ennis’ turn to look at his beer. Since Jack always came here after their fishin’ trips, he could damn well guess why Jack was feelin’ sad. A heavy weight of guilt pushed down on his heart.

“Plus, I never really tried too hard. I mean, knew it’d be fun, but we wouldn’t be quite suited fer each other, if you know what I mean.”

“Whut?”

Glen actually rolled his eyes. “Where you been livin’, Mars? I think he usually likes ta’ be in the same position I usually like ta’ be in. You got that now? Jesus. Told ya’ before, you was more my type.”

Ennis nodded, once, short, fightin’ the flush that wanted ta’ rise up on his cheeks. He got it.

“So I thought --.” God, did the man not shut up? “I thought, what with you comin’ here, and bein’ like that, well, I put two and two together and figured you was maybe makin’ somethin’ of it.”

“We was tryin’ to, but it ain’t gonna work.” Ennis couldn’t believe he’d said that out loud. Hurt him bad just ta’ say the words.

Glen was mercifully quiet for a while, but it appeared he just couldn’t keep quiet, ‘cause he said. “Sorry. So what’d he do?”

Ennis looked up sharp at him. “Whut?”

“I said, what’d he do? Musta done somethin’ ta’ get ya’ all in a knot, ‘cause I know he was just here, then left sudden. He don’t want you here no more?”

“Ain’t none of yer business, is it?” Ennis glowered at him.

“No, it ain’t. I just never seen two such sorry lookin’ guys, that’s all, and I’m guessin’ it has somethin’ ta’ do each with the other! I’ll shut up. Would buy ya’ a beer but it looks like you’ve had enough.”

Ennis brought his eyes up slow to meet Glen’s. He couldn’t believe it of himself, but some part of him wanted ta’ say it. “He’s got some guy down ta’ Texas, hurt bad, in the hospital, raced out a’ here.”

Glen frowned. “That’s gotta hurt. So that made him decide he wants that guy, not you?”

Ennis frowned back. “Not exactly.”

Glen drank his beer for a while, then pursed his lips. “But ya’ got reason to think so, that he likes him better.”

Ennis clutched his beer harder. “Not really.”

“He gonna be fuckin’ him?”

Ennis looked around the bar. No one was anywhere near to hearin’ distance. Part of him wanted ta’ hit Glen for that. He lowered his voice even more, to a growl. “Not none of yer business.” He swigged his beer, set it down hard. “But not no more.”

Glen looked a question at him. “But he wants ya’ gone, then? Gone from here. He said that to ya’.”

Ennis stared at him. “Not exactly. Just --.”

“How long you two known each other, anyway?”

Ennis sighed. “Since ’63. Summer of ’63.”

Glen whistled. “Jesus Christ. I was ‘bout ten years old in ’63.” He took the last swallow of his beer. “So let me get this straight. He ain’t told ya’ to leave, he don’t like this other fella better, you’ve known each other fer twenty years.” He looked at Ennis expectantly.

“Yeah. That’s ‘bout it.” A hard sadness clenched ‘round Ennis’ heart.

“Well then, why the fuck ya’ talkin’ on leavin’ here when ya’ just got here? Two months or somethin’ you’ve been here, right? Two months after twenty years? What’s wrong with you?”

Ennis was suddenly overwhelmed by anger. “What’s it to you, anyway?”

Glen picked up his hat. “Yeah, you’re right. What’s it to me some asshole throws away somethin’ I’d give my eye teeth for and then some. I’ll see ya’ around.” Glen slid out of the booth, pulled out a wallet and threw some money on the table.

“Wait.” Ennis’ voice came out weak. He tried again. “Wait.”

“What?” Glen was angry still, Ennis could tell.

Ennis looked up at him. “I’ll walk out with you.”

Glen gave him a considerin’ glance, looked pointedly at Ennis’ balled-up fists. “Don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Fuck you.” Ennis rose unsteadily to his feet, fished some bills out of his pocket and laid them down.

Glen shook his head, led the way out of the bar.

Ennis followed, some part of him noticin’ the strong lines of Glen’s back side under his clothes, knowin’ the man put in a hard day’s work, wasn’t no city boy sittin’ at some desk all day. Some part inside of him was shriekin’ at him ta’ stop, ta’ stay outa this man’s range, don’t fuck this up like he’d fucked up so many other things, but he shoved that part away. He was sick of being patient, sick of being responsible, sick of bein’ the hard workin’ guy with his head down.

The parkin’ lot back behind the bar was dark, no streetlamp back here, and Glen’s pickup was parked in the far corner. Glen leaned back against the cab and sighed. “Listen, del Mar, I’ll give you a ride home since you’re drunk. Let’s leave it at that.”

Ennis came closer, heart beatin’ out of his chest, sick feelin’ in his stomach. Glen leanin’ on the truck like that reminded him of Jack, how he’d leaned up all tall and dark ‘gainst his truck that summer so long ago, and Ennis hadn’t been able ta’ keep his eyes off him, though he hadn’t known or understood why.

Ennis pushed that memory away violently. Jack wasn’t here, was he?

Ennis could smell Glen’s good smell of horses and sweat and man, leaned in a little to get it better. Fuck Jack, that’s what he was thinkin’ on. He took another inhale of Glen’s shirt, took a breath and pressed himself up tight against him, pressin’ Glen back hard against his truck. He couldn’t bring his lips ta’ his, couldn’t do it, not yet, but he let his mouth press up hard against his neck, said “think I can give ya’ what ya’ need.”

Ennis felt a shudder run through Glen at his words, his breathin’ speed up. He could feel their cocks hardenin’ under their jeans as they panted and pressed up against each other. Around the corner, Ennis could see the bar’s neon light reflected, flashin’ against the grocery window, flashin’ a sickly yellow color on the hard ground. He had to look away, but he couldn’t look at Glen neither.

Sure ‘nuf, Ennis del Mar was queer, gay as all get out, respondin’ ta’ this man like he never responded to no Alma or Cassie, though it weren’t like with Jack neither, nothin’ was like with Jack.

Pain lanced Ennis’ heart at the thought of Jack, and he pushed up hard against Glen ta’ try ta’ drive it away. Jack did this all the time, got off with some other guy. Why shouldn’t he? Why should Jack get ta’ do this scot free, Ennis never gettin’ none?

Bile rose up in his throat and his stomach clenched, even as he felt his cock respond from rubbin’ against this man, imaginin’ the dark thrill of his flesh hot against this man’s. It was all wrong and he knew it, crampin’ his stomach into knots.

He scrabbled for the envelope with the flower in it that he always carried ‘round in his shirt pocket. Wasn’t there. Where the hell was it? He needed it, needed it now ta’ remind him of what was true. Panic overcame him, mixed and fed the desire as was risin’ up in him at Glen’s proximity. His cock was risin’, his breath speedin’ up, his hands itchin’ to feel a man under ‘em.

Jesus Christ, he was queer, fuck, queer all the way through, no woman ever doin‘ ta’ him what this almost-stranger was, just bein’ up against him like this.

But where was Jack? Where was that flower as reminded him of Jack and their love? Fuck. ‘Cause love it was, how could he have not seen all them years, or seen but pushed it down? Pushed it down like every feelin’ he had, like he’d pushed down this cravin’ for man’s flesh underneath him.

Where was Jack? Who was Ennis without him? How could he stay ta’ the right road without that flower from Jack, somethin’ precious from that man’s heart, a man as never gave such a thing as that ta’ anyone, as Ennis had known so well.

Glen’s hand went smoothin’ down Ennis’ side, then lower ta’ curve soft over his ass. Bolt of fire coursed through Ennis, bolt of shame too.

What kind of man was he as needed some dead flower ta’ tell him what was true? What kind of man was he as would turn his back on the man who’d been true to him, true in his own way, for well on twenty years?

Ennis knew damn well that Jack only turned ta’ other guys ‘cause Ennis couldn’t give him what he needed, woulda stuck with Ennis and Ennis only if that’d been somethin’ Ennis coulda offered.

Ennis couldn’t give Jack what he wanted, couldn’t give him that sweet life, but he could give him his loyalty, it bein’ the only thing he could give Jack all them years.

He was a poor excuse for a man, always had been, but his feelin’ for Jack, his feelin’ for his daughters, that was the truest part of him.

He didn’t need that flower to know this was wrong, wrong on all counts, and not even somethin’ as he really wanted. Some part of him as wanted ta’ destroy the best things in his life wanted this, not the real Ennis. The real Ennis wanted one person and one person only. Wasn’t right to Jack, wasn’t right to Glen, and most of all wasn’t right to Ennis, to do this. Only possible result of this was destroyin’ Ennis’ only hope of happiness, somethin’ true that made up the core of him. He had a lot of experience with destroyin’ true things. Somethin’ he had too much experience with. Somethin’ he was good at.

He didn’t need no envelope, no flower, no words from Jack ta’ know what Jack felt on him. He’d known Jack Twist a long time, and while their days together didn’t total up to many, Ennis knew the man well, real well – he’d just not always wanted to know what he knew.

This was all wrong. It was wrong, not Jack, Jack was all he wanted. Jack hadn’t said fer him to leave, he hadn’t actually said that.

This was the wrong man – wrong smell, wrong height, wrong feel under his arms. “No.” His voice came out weak, but it came out.

“No.” Glen spoke at the same second as Ennis, eased away at the same time. He was shakin’ his head. “You’re a mess, anyone can see that.” He kicked the gravel. “I ain’t gonna go poachin’ on Jack’s territory, and I ain’t gonna do nothin’ with someone as messed up as you are right now.”

Ennis looked at his shoes. “M’ sorry.” Glen blew out a breath. “Yeah, well I’m sorry too. Shit. Listen. I think we’d be real compatible - real compatible. If you get this straightened out, ya’ wanna try it, let me know.”

Glen took a step back, his fingers seemin’ reluctant to leave Ennis’ shirt. “I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I hope it works out for you’n Jack. Shit.” He kicked some more gravel, looked up at Ennis considerin’. “You safe ta’ get home? I kin drive you.”

Ennis shook his head. “Nah.” He turned away, then turned back ta’ Glen. “Listen, Glen, sorry. Yer a good man.” To his shame, his voice was close ta’ breakin’.

Glen just nodded, sharp, and Ennis walked away towards his truck. When he looked back, Glen was standin’ next ta’ his pickup, barely visible in the dark corner, leanin’ his head in his hands against the driver’s side door. He suddenly straightened up, kicked at the truck, and pulled himself up into the driver’s seat, slammin’ the door and revvin’ the engine at the same time.

Ennis quick got in his own truck, feelin’ of sadness for Glen momentarily weighin’ on him pretty hard. Feelin’ of sadness for himself, for Jack, crashin’ on him next. Why did they all have to be so alone?

He drove careful the coupla miles to the little road ta’ home, grippin’ the wheel tight on the narrow dark roads. And there was the house, loomin’ in the dark. Ennis leaned his head down on the steerin’ wheel for a minute, took a deep breath, steeled himself for the lonely tent.

Some impulse made him walk ta’ the front door of the house, stand and stare at what he’d been buildin’. It sure looked strong and tall, here in the dark like this. Roof was goin’ on this week, then the insides was getting’ finished.

He’d had dreams as he didn’t want ta’ share with no one, didn’t really admit even to himself, vague dreams of him and Jack after a hard day, sittin’ on this porch, sharin’ a beer, just talkin’ and shootin’ the shit. He sighed. Didn’t know as it was ever goin’ ta’ work, whether them vague dreams was ever gonna come true.

He turned ta’ walk ta’ the tent, but as he turned, somethin’ on the front door caught a glint of starlight. He turned back, walked close ta’ the door.

There, taped on tight, a piece of paper, folded in half. He reached out a hand that, he had ta’ admit, was tremblin’. Maybe it was his walkin’ papers, from John Twist, or even Jack, callin’ and leavin’ a message.

He opened the paper, saw a coupla lines written in a hand he recognized from grocery lists he’d insisted on shoppin’ for. Evelyn wrote this note, then. He could make out the first word by starlight – “Jack” – but nothin’ more, so he fumbled in the tent for his flashlight. He sat on his bedroll clutchin’ that paper, shone the light on it.

The paper said, “Jack called. Said please stay. He’ll call tomorrow noon. Stay. Please. Evelyn.”

Ennis’ heart leapt and he felt a little dizzy. His eyes stung as he stared at the little paper. He had to chuckle a little through the emotion, thinkin’ on how he doubted Jack Twist woulda said please twice. Once, possible. Twice, no way. Jack was prouder than that, never begged, though he always kept comin’ back on Ennis. Man never gave up, always buggin’ Ennis ‘bout bein’ together. Till he stopped even tryin’. Ennis thought with warmth on Evelyn, probably addin’ that last “please,” her knowin’ her boy so well.

He clutched that note to him, why the hell not, no one could see, and curled down to sleep. He didn’t need no please or thank you from Jack, Jack callin’ – callin’ from the road, callin’ collect most likely from some truck stop – that was good, real good, he had ta’ admit, Jack’s nasty words echoin’ still in his head, his own words not much better.

Next he knew, it was the pre-dawn time he always got up. As he grabbed for some clothes in the lightenin’ dark, head poundin’, somethin’ rustled on the bedroll. The note from Jack’s ma, and right underneath, the envelope with that flower he’d been carryin’ around forever. Musta fallen out before yesterday, him unaware. He stared at that envelope a minute, opened it and held that dry stem of lupine, its blue still bright even in the dimness of the tent.

He fingered it gently, put it back soft in the envelope, reached ta’ stick it in his shirt pocket. He stopped, considerin’. Last night, just the memory of it had been enough ta’ stop him from makin’ a terrible mistake. Maybe it could stay here, safe in the tent, and it could still help him. Maybe he didn’t need it right there with him, and it still had power over him.

He picked up the note from Jack’s momma, Jack’s words on it, folded it up and put it in the envelope with the lupine, tucked it in the corner of the duffel he kept them verses from Solomon’s Song in. The shirt he took from Jack was there, too, and he brought it slow to his face, breathin’ in the smell of Jack as still clung to it.

He heard the crowin’ of a rooster, hurried to wrap that shirt ‘round the envelope, stuffed it all down into the bag.

He drove his truck down the rutted connectin’ path ta’ the main house, walked fast to the house ta’ grab a bite before the long mornin’s work. He walked into the kitchen, saw no one sittin’ in the dining room yet, saw Evelyn with her back ta’ the door, choppin’ potatoes.

He said “mornin’” and she turned, swift, clutched the counter behind her. “Ennis!” Relief washed over her face, touchin’ Ennis somewhere deep. Then she’d taken a stride or two toward him and given him a swift hard hug before he could do more than bring his arms ‘round her loose.

She was pushin’ back in less than a second, swipin’ her apron over her eyes. “Sorry.” She turned back ta’ the potatoes.

Ennis walked over ta’ where she was choppin’, put his hand real tentative on her shoulder. “Nothin’ for you ta’ be sorry on. Sorry if you was worried.”

“Worried!” She turned to face him, dark circles clear under her eyes now. “John says them things” – she pursed her lips angrily – “then my boy takes off out o’ nowhere – “ she gripped the knife harder, knuckles showin’ white – “you two have words – Jack calls late last night all upset, then you weren’t at yer tent or the house at that god-awful hour.”

She sniffed and attacked an errant potato. “Yes I was worried.”

Ennis felt awkward, not wantin’ ta’ share his and Jack’s business, but knowin’ she knew most of it anyway, deserved ta’ know more. He took a knife from the drawer and started skinnin’ potatoes alongside her. “Sorry.”

She nodded, said, “I’ve never heard Jack like that.” She turned full on to Ennis, waited till he raised his eyes to her. “He - .” She stopped, bit off what she was goin’ ta’ say, started again. “All them years, he came home after them trips with you, and he tried ta’ hide it, but he was so sad.”

Ennis looked down at the potatoes, then forced himself ta’ look up to her. She looked straight in his eyes. “He was frantic when he called last night, Ennis, frantic you’d leave.” She laughed, a short bark. “He’d never speak ta’ me again if he knew I told you that.” She shook her head, changed her voice to a steely tone. “I don’t want him sad no more. You hear me?”

Ennis nodded, shufflin’ his feet.

“If you can’t take it for the long haul, better that you do leave now. Don’t think my boy can take much more sad.” Her knife stopped its choppin’. “I worry about him.” She turned and looked at Ennis again. “I worry about him so much.”

“Me too, ma’am.” For once Evelyn didn’t protest bein’ called ma’am. Ennis cleared his throat. “I won’t leave. Ain’t leavin’ ‘less he tells me to. Here fer the long haul. I want the long haul.”

To his shame, his eyes misted a little, so he set to choppin’ again. After a bit, Evelyn said, “I know he’s quick on the trigger, maybe says things he don’t mean. Ain’t sayin’ it’s your fault.”

“I know he does.”

“Just sayin’ – oh, Ennis - .” She turned full to him, tears wellin’ in her eyes – “I never heard him like that, so sorry, so afraid.”

Ennis covered her hand with his, said low and strong, “I owe him twenty years o’ hurt. Ain’t gonna let no nasty words of his drive me off. Gotta admit it was a close call, but it won’t be next time.” She turned a watery smile to him. “You’re a good man, Ennis. A good man. Now, let’s stop all this nonsense and start plannin’ for your girls’ visit.”

He smiled at her. “You sure it ain’t no inconvenience?”

“Ennis, I warned you the other day. You say that again, I’ll take my spoon to you.” She grabbed her big wooden spoon off the counter and waved it threateningly.

“Okay, ma’am.” She raised an eyebrow. “Evelyn.”

She got a serious look again. “You going to be able to stand my husband?”

Ennis nodded. “I’ve been puttin’ my head down and pullin’ a harness my whole life. Nasty words can’t drive me off.”

She nodded. “He wasn’t always like that. Life tends ta’ beat some folks down. ‘Nuf said.”

Ennis said to the potatoes. “I wouldn’t presume ta’ talk on yer husband.”

She just nodded, and Ennis hurried to drink coffee and eat some eggs and toast, headed out for the mornin’ chores. He was behind on everythin’, needed ta’ catch up on all the hands, the stock, the equipment, all of it. Coupla roofs needed shinglin’, the stock needed brandin’, and all the jobs of late summer were comin’ on strong.

The day was provin’ out ta’ be another scorcher, thunderheads already buildin’ ‘round the horizon by the time he headed into the noon meal. After lunch he had ta’ figure out how the inventory was goin’, set the boys goin’ on brandin’, and a host of other things as lined up in his head.

He started thinkin’ on the girls’ arrivin’ in a coupla days, despite bein’ distracted thinkin’ on Jack maybe callin’ him at the lunch hour. What would the girls do up here all that time, nothin’ ‘round ta’ entertain them, Ennis havin’ ta’ work so hard this time o’ year? Maybe his house would be ready ta’ live in by then, and that’d be pretty sweet, the girls fillin’ it up with their things and their laughter. Maybe he should get a television or somethin’, too. ‘Course, chances were the girls would choose ta’ stay in the main house with Evelyn, he’d offer them that choice sure ‘nuf.

He had thought he’d wait to move into the house till Jack came, but now he thought it was better ta’ do it now, move in and be there, just be there, holdin’ Jack’s place, long as it took. ‘Course that was assumin’ Jack still really wanted him ta’ stay, and his insides crawled thinkin’ on Jack callin’ him in a few hours.

Before he knew it his watch said noon and he was sittin’ at the dinin’ table in the Twists’ house, toyin’ with his food like some gal. John Twist ate at lightnin’ speed and left, thank god, contentin’ himself with a few sneerin’ glances.

Ennis finally couldn’t excuse the waitin’ no more, pushed back to leave. It was almost a shock when the phone did ring. Evelyn, silent till now, said soft, “you answer it, Ennis, I’m going out.”

Before he could protest, she was gone, and Ennis realized he’d better hurry or whoever it was would give up. “Hello?” His voice came out a little choked.

“Ennis?” Jack’s voice.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Ennis’ voice came out hoarse.

“Oh thank god you’re there.” Jack broke off. Ennis heard him gasp out some air on the other end of the line.

“Jack.” Ennis had to bite his lip and his eyes were stingin’ bad. He put his hand over his eyes ta’ feel more like he was with Jack, though he was so many miles away. Through the phone line, he could hear a voice pagin’ someone on a loudspeaker, then someone, a woman, sayin’ in the distance, “Jack?”

Jack said, aimin’ his voice away, “be there in a minute – have to finish this call.” His voice came back close to the phone. “Ennis.” There was a world o’ feelin’ in that name.

Ennis croaked out, “Got your ma’s note. Late last night.”

Jack said, “You leavin’?”

Ennis shook his head there in that kitchen, heard Jack’s breathin’ on the other end. Heard the years and years of waitin’ and disappointment. “No.”

There was a long pause, then Jack said low, “I said some things - .”

“You always was hot tempered, Jack. I said things, too. I’m stayin’.”

There was silence again on the other end of the phone, and Ennis pictured Jack bitin’ his lip, coverin’ his eyes, tryin’ to keep it together. “Bud?” Ennis’ voice was soft.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m glad. Real glad. Fuck it, Ennis, I’m sorry for - .”

“We both got things ta’ be sorry for, Jack. Point is, I’m here and not leavin’. “

“Allright. Allright, listen. I just got here a few minutes ago, and things is bad. Real bad. I’m not sure what happened, it’s not good.”

Ennis swallowed. “He gonna make it?”

Jack cleared his throat. “They’re sayin’ maybe. Somethin’ broke in his spine, internal injuries, it’s bad. Patsy’s beside herself. Lureen’s helpin’ with the kids, I’m supposed to help with the doctors, only they’re not talkin’ sense. Sayin’ can’t have been an accident, so - .” Jack broke off. “Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you in a coupla days. I’m gonna come back up there soon’s I can, real soon Ennis, get things figured out. Hopin’ in a coupla weeks.”

“Sure.” Ennis worked hard to make his voice come out neutral.

They hadn’t known each other for twenty years for nothin’ though, and Jack said, “I was gonna tell you when I was there, but there wasn’t time. I - .” Ennis heard Jack take a breath. “I started ta’ talk ta’ Lureen. Before I came up there. I was gonna tell you that, talk through what ta’ do ‘bout that and Bobby, then I got that fuckin’ phone call.”

“You meanin’ what I think?”

“Yeah.”

Ennis couldn’t talk if his life depended on it. Jack took a breath, went on. “Lureen and I – well, wasn’t easy.”

Ennis sucked in some air, since Jack needed him ta’ talk. He managed, “she take it hard?”

“Yeah. Yes and no. We ain’t – we ain’t been much but partners fer a long time. But, it’s been a long time.”

“Makes sense. Yer bound ta’ feel stuff too.” Ennis remembered his partin’ with Alma, the sadness of that, remembrin’ their younger selves, full o’ the future.

“Yeah. Told her gonna do it right, she agrees. We’re sort of – “ Ennis could feel Jack search for a word “sort of friends. Gonna have to make things right with Bobby, too. He’ll be a senior, ain’t too bad, but he needs his daddy right now. Ennis, I know -.” Jack paused again, took an audible breath. “What yer doin’ Ennis, it’s amazin’. Want you to know I’m appreciatin’ it. Ah, shit, words ain’t enough for this. Appreciatin’ it big time. “ Jack lowered his voice. “Thinkin’ of you.”

Ennis struggled ta’ think of what to say, hearin’ Jack put out his feelins’ like that. Wasn’t much, but he managed, “thinkin’ on you, too, Jack,” puttin’ as much feelin’ as he could into them words over a phone line. And there was a thing ta’ tell Jack.

“Listen, Jack, I’m gettin’ a phone put in. Got the number already, but it’ll be some time till they get it hooked up. You can call me and I won’t be in yer folks’ kitchen.”

Jack attempted a laugh. “The Pentacost is here fer sure. Ennis del Mar got his own fuckin’ phone.”

“Wasn’t gonna spend yer money on it, but the suppliers and such are insistin’ on it.”

“Damn straight. Cain’t run a ranch without no phone. Give me the number.”

Ennis did, and Jack sighed. “That’s good. Real good. You still have my P.O. box address? If ya’ ever need ta’ send me somethin’ private that Lureen cain’t see? “

“Yeah.”

“Ennis?” Jack’s voice sounded worried now.

“Yeah Jack?”

“Did you almost leave yesterday?”

Ennis swallowed. He’d never noticed the pretty paper ‘round the top of Evelyn’s kitchen. Had that been there when he’d first moved here? He wasn’t sure. He wanted ta’ lie to Jack, wanted it bad. Tellin’ truths was hard, but he remembered it was worth it.

“Ennis?” Jack let his worry show in his voice.

“Came close. Too close. Ain’t gonna happen again.”

“I know. I won’t be such a dick again, I - .”

“Listen ta’ me, asshole. I’m sayin’ I ain’t gonna leave ‘less you tell me to. Even if yer a dick. ‘Specially when yer a dick.”

Jack was silent, Ennis too. Lots o’ time went by, hospital sounds in the background, before Jack spoke again.

“Allright, friend. Same here.” Jack wasn’t even tryin’ ta’ hide the fact he was emotional, real emotional.

A woman’s voice, insistent, called Jack again.

Ennis said, “you gotta go,” let his voice go full o’ feelin’ and tenderness.

“Yeah. Ennis, remember all them things I said. Said ta’ ya’ when I was there? I meant ‘em. Ain’t saying nothin’ no more that isn’t the whole truth.”

“Yeah. You take care, Jack.”

The line went dead and Ennis hung up the receiver slow, replayin’ Jack’s worry and relief in his head. Even that part of Ennis as never believed nothin’ good was startin’ to believe Jack meant it, no other guy meant ta’ Jack what Ennis did. And really, Ennis knew that, somewhere deep inside, didn’t he? Jack wasn’t one ta’ throw words ‘round ‘bout his feelins’, and he’d told Ennis he was all he wanted, over and over. He’d told him at that fella’s cabin, and he’d told him at that Devil’s Tower. Ennis knew Jack’d never said those things ta’ no one else, knew it somewhere deep inside. And really, wasn’t that what Jack’d been sayin’ for twenty years? Sayin’ by drivin’ all them miles, year after year, showin’ up time and again, no matter that Ennis said them cuttin’ things. That’s what Jack’d been sayin’ – all he wanted was Ennis.

The rest of the day and on into the night he felt a warm feelin’ radiatin’ through his whole self. A prize calf seemin’ low didn’t change it. John Twist’s sneer didn’t change it, not even crawlin’ into that lonely tent changed it. He let himself think on movin’ into the house, paintin’ the walls that lupine blue, showin’ some faith Jack’d be comin’.

Jack’d sounded mighty low, mighty tired, soundin’ like life was catchin’ up ta’ him. Jack’d sure as shit swallowed his pride ta’ be callin’ like that, lettin’ Ennis hear the relief in his voice ta’ know Ennis had stayed.

Maybe they were learnin’ how to stay the course even when times got tough and words got exchanged. Seemed like they was both so scared of the other sayin’ goodbye. Maybe someday they could be sure neither one of ‘em would ever do that. It’d be sweet if they could fight, say their truths, but know weren’t no one leavin’.

Jack angry was a sight ta’ behold, hands on hips, flashin’ eyes, head thrust forward. He was a real man, and Ennis could relish even the fightin’ if they was together. Maybe after they fought, Jack’d take him ta bed, press him down onto the sheets, do some of them things he liked so much hard n’ fierce ta’ Ennis.

Or maybe if they fought Ennis’d build a fire in the fireplace, sit down next ta’ Jack on the sofa gentle-like, offer a hand quiet for Jack ta’ take when he was ready.

Ennis feel asleep with a smile on his lips, thinkin’ on the possibility of fightin’ with Jack in a world where they didn’t leave, always came back ta’ this house, ta’ each other.

The next week was a blur of work, it comin’ into one of the busiest seasons. Joe and Early were dealin’ with sheep and cattle on the allotments, so Charlie and he had to do double duty. Bonnie was supervisin’ the finishin’ of the outside of the house, so there was always some emergency there, too. Ennis had given up on tryin’ to help on the house himself, since he was workin’ now from the pre-dawn till almost midnight, doin’ paperwork by lantern light. A crew had the roof on in a day, and Ennis swallowed hard ta’ see the house standin’ whole before his eyes.

All Ennis’ hard work didn’t do nothin’ ta’ push thoughts o’ Jack from his mind, every day wonderin’ what was happenin’ down in Texas and, if he let himself, wonderin’ if Jack was ever goin’ ta’ make it to Lightnin’ Flat to live. He was worried, too, wonderin’ what Jack had meant ‘bout his friend’s injuries not bein’ no accident.

And despite Jack’s words to Ennis, he’d sounded pretty stuck down there, with lots of things holdin’ him in Texas. He’d said he’d talked ta’ Lureen, though, so - .

Ennis cut his thoughts off with impatience. He’d been over this ground so many times. Didn’t do no good ta’ think on it.

He tried ta’ cancel his dinner with Lisa and Bonnie, but Bonnie wouldn’t hear of it when she came out to supervise the roof of the house goin’ on. “Come on, Ennis, Lisa already got some special stuff ta’ cook. No sense in it goin’ ta’ waste. No sense in you sittin’ out here alone.”

Ennis looked at his feet, and Bonnie’s voice came out quiet. “We won’t make you talk or nothin’, Ennis. Just come and eat, sit quiet like, get away from this place fer an hour or two.”

Ennis nodded, reluctant, but showed up on time, bottle o’ somethin’ from the store ta’ drink in hand. True to Bonnie’s word, they didn’t make him talk ‘bout what was happenin’ with Jack. Talked a lot about animals and medicine, Bonnie sittin’ quiet, then talked ‘bout the finishins’ on the house, Lisa sittin’ quiet for that. They looked at pictures of the dishwasher and countertops and stuff as Bonnie had arrivin’ in a few days, her lookin’ at him hard to make sure he liked ‘em. He’d thrown up his hands in exasperation some time ago at all the choices, asked her could she please just pick the stuff for him, nothin’ frilly or fancy, just like their place.

Bonnie finally stretched, probably seein’ Ennis was droopin’, but too polite ta’ leave so soon. “Well, it’s been nice, but I better go study. Got finals tomorrow night for my summer term class.”

Ennis turned to Bonnie surprised. The woman kept amazin’ him. “You’re takin’ a class? How’n hell ya’ doin’ that? Ain’t no school for miles around.”

Bonnie nodded. “Yeah. Takin’ it down to the community college in Gilette, they got a little branch there. Been doin’ it forever, once a week, gettin’ my diploma. How many years you think, Lisa?”

Lisa furrowed her forehead. “Maybe three years now? I’m really proud of her.” Lisa smiled a warm smile at Bonnie, reached her hand out as if to stroke her arm, then stopped it, brought it back to her own body, cleared her throat.

Ennis looked at them there, Lisa feelin’ warm on Bonnie, her seein’ Bonnie's strength, workin’ for so long for such a thing, said, surprisin’ even himself, “you gals can touch each other ‘round me, ya’ know.” His own nerve embarrassed him, and he found some magazine on the coffee table real interestin’ all of a sudden.

Bonnie pushed out a breath, said “Ennis, don’t worry about it. We’re used ta’ it, don’t mean nothin’.” He looked up, and Lisa was lookin’ at him hard. She said, “think he means it,” and moved her hand to brush, gentle, on Bonnie’s arm. Bonnie looked at Ennis, and he tried ta’ hold his eyes steady, though he had ta’ admit it took some effort, him never seein’ such a thing in his life, him raised ta’ think it all a sin. Bonnie brought her other hand ta’ cover Lisa’s on her arm, held it there for a second or two, then they went back to sittin’ separate on the sofa.

Lisa broke the embarrassed silence. “First time we ever done that in front of anybody outside of that time we visited San Francisco.”

Bonnie said, “holy moly, ya’ can’t believe what ya’ see there just walkin’ down the street in broad daylight.” They all laughed, a little too loud, but Ennis could tell he’d done a good thing.

Eventually Bonnie said, “So anyway, I dropped out o’ school ‘cause o’ gettin’ pregnant, marryin’ my ex.” Her face fell into serious lines. “He wasn’t keen on me gettin’ more schoolin’.” She looked up at Ennis with a big smile. “But now I’m just a coupla classes away from gettin’ my G.E.D., and I’m learnin’ all this engineerin’ and draftin’ and stuff as helps with my work. Plus general schoolin’ like history and readin’ and stuff.”

Ennis nodded, thoughtful.

Bonnie cocked her head. “You know, I sure have been wishin’ I had someone ta’ share the drive with. You don’t have an interest in some college, do you?”

Ennis looked at the floor. “Cain’t go to no college. Never finished high school.”

“But that’s what I’m sayin’!” Bonnie nodded her head when he looked up. “I’m gettin’ my G.E.D. Means it’s like a high school diploma. And I ain’t stoppin’ there. Once I get that, I’m takin’ real college classes.”

“It counts for high school?”

“You bet. And they give you credits for real life stuff you’ve done, so it don’t take as long as you think.” Bonnie hopped up. “Hold on a minute.” She returned in seconds, somethin’ in her hand. “Here.” She stuck a thing like a book in Ennis’ hands. “This is the catalog of classes, how to register and stuff. I go every Wednesday night. Sure could use a drivin’ partner.”

Ennis looked at the brochures and catalog for a second, tried ta’ make out the writin’. “I - . I cain’t - .”

Lisa moved over to where he was sittin’ on the sofa. “Ennis, you cain’t read it?” She said it quiet, held up her hand so Bonnie’d be quiet.

Ennis shook his head. “Ain’t that I can’t read, though I’m not fast like some. Just can’t see too good.”

Lisa grabbed Ennis’ arm, stood up and pulled him with her. “Come here.”

Ennis shook his head. “What’re ya’ doin’?” but didn’t resist her pullin’.

“Men!” Lisa muttered, draggin’ him into her vet office. “Now sit down right there,” she said, pushin’ him into the chair in her waitin’ area. She rustled behind the counter for a few minutes, came toward him with a few pairs of glasses in her hands. “Ain’t no eye doctor for fifty miles, no doctor for twenty or so, so folks come ta’ me fer all kinds o’ stuff. Here, try these on.” She thrust a pair of glasses toward Ennis, put the catalog into his hands. “See if you can see better now.”

Ennis looked. The catalog had a nice picture of a school, said Crook County Community College on it. “Now try these.” Lisa ripped the glasses off him, stuck some other ones on. Couldn’t see as much, and he shook his head. “One more.” She stuck the last pair on him. Damn. He could read the fine print on there, as said “high school diploma equivalency.” Wasn’t sure what “equivalency” meant, but the high school diploma he sure understood. Wave of feelin’ went through him that surprised him, him comin’ ta’ terms years ago with endin’ his education at freshman, or so he’d thought. Most of the kids in his high school hated it, couldn’t wait till class was over, but for Ennis, it was a darn sight better’n the work he knew he’d be doin’ soon enough. He’d always hoped he’d at least make it ta’ sophomore, somethin’ ‘bout that name soundin’ grand.

He shook his head. “I’m too old, don’t make no sense.”

Bonnie’s voice came soft behind him. Apparently she’d come in when he hadn’t noticed. “Got guys in my classes older than you. One guy’s a World War Two vet, made his goal ta’ get his high school by the time he’s sixty five. Got two buddies as was in ‘Nam, your age. Another gal like me. Married young, kids, married.”

“Yeah, well, don’t think I’m interested. But thank you.” Ennis tried to hand the book back ta’ Bonnie, the glasses to Lisa.

Neither of ‘em would take the things back, and Bonnie said. “If I can do it, you can, Ennis. Just think about it. New classes start in September. One night a week, but it builds up and afore you know it, you’ve done it. No one can take it away from me now, what I’ve done. You just think about it. If you decide ta’ do it, I’ll take you and help you register.”

Lisa nodded. “Glasses are on me. Now you can read the damn instructions I give you for your animals.” She turned away. “Men!”

Ennis felt his mouth curl up a little. “Yeah, well, least you don’t have to deal with one most o’ the time,” sendin’ a significant glance at Bonnie.

“Ennis!” Bonnie gasped, and then they was all laughin’.

Ennis threw the catalog in the corner of the truck when he got in. Stupid waste of time he didn’t have, that’s what that was. But kind of them to try. The glasses now, he could use, ‘cause he had ta’ admit he hadn’t been able ta’ make much headway in that Bible he’d stuck in his tent, the print bein’ so small. And maybe he could pick up a good mystery like some of his buddies used ta’ talk about. The store had a few he’d seen.

He wished he did have one of them mystery books or somethin’ when he curled into the damn sleepin’ bag in his tent again. He tossed and turned, though he was exhausted from the brutal schedule on the spread, plus socializin’ with Bonnie and Lisa till late. Sleep wouldn’t come, and he finally admitted to himself there was somethin’ ‘bout bein’ with the gals, seein’ that simple touch, hand to arm, that had him yearnin’ on Jack even more’n all the other nights he lay in this tent and yearned on him.

He’d sworn to himself he wasn’t gonna live on memories no more, but every time he closed his eyes, the image came ta’ mind, hand to arm, hand to arm. Lisa’s hand ta’ Bonnie’s arm. Jack’s hand ta’ his arm, second night they was ever together, gentlin’ him like a horse or a pup. Hand to arm, gentle touch, touch for a low startle point. Hand to arm, him not able ta’ look, heart wantin’ to say sorry, sorry for what I done last night, takin’ you so rough, no words exchanged, sorry for the mornin’, leavin’ like that, not a word and a gun in your face in a place where man could shoot you dead fer somethin’ like that and no one’d convict him, sorry for sayin’ one shot deal, cold and heartless like that.

Jack’s hand to his arm, strokin’ ever so careful, then Ennis gatherin’ up courage from somewhere ta’ look, Jack’s look so gentle, somehow breathin’ “I’m sorry” so low it was hardly words. Then the miracle of Jack, sayin’ “S’alright,” drawin’ Ennis in, kissin’ him so soft and sweet for a minute it seemed like nothin’ ta’ be afraid of. Ennis relaxin’ into it, feelin’ somethin’ bloom in his chest, joy like pain it was so sweet, lettin’ himself be pulled onto Jack’s strong chest, lettin’ himself go, even lettin’ himself pull on Jack, pull him over on top of him ta’ feel it better, the weight of his body pressed down all along his own.

It had felt like some miracle, some hidden treasure no one’d ever bothered ta’ mention ta’ Ennis, their bodies soon naked, but still sweet, Jack’s hands rubbin’ soft all over Ennis, Ennis’ own hands roamin’ free over Jack’s warm smooth skin. The kisses were maybe the most amazin’ thing of all, since up till that night Ennis would’ve sworn he’d of shot someone down dead as said he’d be swappin’ spit with another man, but the wonder of those kisses was still with him today, Jack seemin’ ta’ say with his mouth, I won’t never hurt you, here in the dark we can be soft, and tender, and warm.

Their kisses and their strokin’ had grown more fevered, of course, them bein’ nineteen and no mistake, and it hadn’t taken much before Ennis had spilled, Jack followin’ right after, their spunk minglin’ on Ennis’ belly, Jack’s tongue still in Ennis’ mouth. Jack’d rolled off, but Ennis’ hands had been reluctant ta’ let that skin go, and he’d rolled a little towards him. Jack musta felt the same, ‘cause he just nuzzled into Ennis’ neck and they’d slept a little, Ennis wakin’ up in the middle of the night ta’ the amazin’ feelin’ of Jack Twist’s lips wrapped ‘round his cock, and Ennis honestly thought at first he had died and gone to heaven, the feelin’ was so amazin’. He’d heard rumors of such things, but Alma’d never let him get past about first base, and he knew that even if Alma was to do such a thing, highly doubtful, it’d never feel like it did with Jack.

Ennis gave in and let himself go, let himself touch himself in that goddamned tent, thinkin’ on Jack, and if there was tears on his pillow that night he figured that was allright, the memory of their younger selves was so sweet. Better than the tears on his pillow in his nightmare, where all he had left of Jack was dreams.

The next day dawned early, and Ennis kept his thoughts firm on the girls comin’, ‘cause comin’ they was, tomorrow, on the Greyhound ‘cause Alma’d convinced him it didn’t make no sense for Ennis to drive all the way to Riverton and back, twice. “Them girls is old enough to run with boys and sass me, they’re old enough ta’ ride a bus. It’ll be good for’em, show ‘em a little o’ the world. I’d never seen nothin’ of the world when I was their age. When I met you. Maybe it woulda helped me.”

Ennis had to clear his throat. “Maybe - . Maybe I can take ‘em somewhere someday, if this place gets runnin’ right – show ‘em a bit more?”

Alma snorted. “This is the man who wouldn’t drive an hour with me’n the girls ta’ go to the lake with my folks.”

“Yeah, well. I’ll take good care of ‘em, Alma, I promise.”

“You do that. Francie won’t bring her inhaler places ‘cause it’s not ‘cool’ – you make sure she does.”

“I know.” Ennis remembered with a shudder them heart-stoppin’ moments when Francie struggled fer each breath as a child.

“Don’t let them swim in nothin’ deep ‘less you’re around – the Taylors just lost their oldest boy horsin’ at the lake – divin’ where it wasn’t deep enough.”

“Allright, Alma, I promise - .”

“And don’t be tellin’ ‘em more’n they need ta’ know. You take my meanin’?”

“Yeah, I take yer meanin’. Alma - .”

“I’m sendin’ a gift for Mrs. Twist ‘cause that’s what yer supposed ta’ do. Make sure they give it ta’ her.”

“Sure. Alma, listen - .”

“And the girls need new shoes but we ain’t had time ta’ - .”

“Alma.” Ennis let his voice get louder. “Alma, stop. Listen ta’ me. I’ll take good care of ‘em, I promise.” He made his voice gentle. “You ain’t never been without ‘em, have you?”

There was silence on the other end, and a sniff. “Reckon not.”

“Yer a good momma to ‘em, Alma. They’ll be back afore you know it. Ain’t nothin’ goin’ ta’ take them very far from you fer very long.”

Alma sniffed. “That man there?”

Ennis tensed, remembered Alma was a wronged woman, took a breath and said “Nah. Not gonna be.”

“Good thing. Don’t want the girls exposed ta’ none o’ that.”

Ennis bit his tongue, reflectin’ on the miracle that she was even lettin’ the girls come at all.

There was silence for a minute. Then Alma said, smaller voice, “I know you’ll do right by ‘em.”

Ennis swallowed, just said “appreciate it, Alma.”

Next mornin’ at breakfast Ennis fell asleep sittin’ up at the table, flush risin’ ta’ his face when he jerked awake. John Twist grimaced, said “what kinda boss don’t see he’s spreadin’ everyone too thin, self included? Got some boys comin’ in today ta’ help through the fall. Here any time.”

It took a minute fer Ennis ta’ figure out what Twist was sayin’, then he shook his head. “Don’t need no more help. I can just work harder.”

Twist snorted. “Yer gonna be one o’ them farm accidents any day. ‘Sides, Charlie and Joe n’ Early are gonna fall down dead if we don’t hire help. Always do this time o’ year.”

Ennis felt his flush spread further. “Not gonna be throwin’ money away.”

“Now you listen here, Ennis.” John leaned across the table. “I ain’t payin’ when the insurance goes up ‘cause yer too shitty a boss ta’ see the boys is walkin’ ‘round too tired ta’ shit. You don’t like what I done, tough. Fine by me.” Twist pushed back and stalked out of the room.

The new hands showed up right after, peelin’ out in the drive, raisin’ a cloud o’ dust as pissed Ennis off, seein’ as how Evelyn’s flowers was right there. He was kickin’ himself, though, for not seein’ the obvious – he shoulda hired on extra help weeks ago. He was tryin’ so hard not ta’ spend Jack’s money, he’d forgot there weren’t no ranch as didn’t hire on extra hands by mid-summer, and here it was goin’ on ta’ August. It stuck in his craw every time he had ta’ spend a dime, feelin’ like some kept man or somethin’.

Turned out the guys was younger than Joe and Early and older than Charlie, a few years younger than Ennis, and there was three of ‘em. Ennis didn’t particularly like the look of ‘em, bit too loud for his tastes, but they knew what they was doin’. Pete, who seemed the steadiest, he sent off ta’ work with Charlie on the fence line, and Buck and Ken he kept closer ta’ home. They were annoyin’ no doubt, but did know ranchin’. Ennis just gritted his teeth when they started talkin’ on pussy an’ tits, not that he himself hadn’t talked like that some, but not on no new job where he didn’t know the guys he was workin’ with. Certainly was a time that he’d joked ‘round like that too, but fer these guys it was every second.

One scorchin’ day Joe brought some stock in ta’ get ready for the count, and Ennis heard raised voices near the barn. Ennis heard Joe’s voice over ‘em all. “Sick o’ you bein’ disrespectful ta’ the ladies. I gotta wife an’ daughter and I don’ wanna listen ta’ yer stupid braggin’ as is a lie anyway ‘bout deflowerin’ some thirteen year old girl.”

News to Ennis Joe was married, though now he thought on it Joe always did disappear on days off, asked for those days off in blocks, too. Ennis cursed himself again for not knowin’ somethin’ like that, somethin’ important ‘bout his hands. Some kinda boss he was, not even knowin’ the simple facts ‘bout his men. He’d pegged Joe at first for a sorry hand, ‘cause he had a slouchin’ look to him, and hadn’t looked Ennis in the face when he talked ta’ him, but he’d turned out ta’ be steady. Seemed like he’d been standin’ up a little straighter recently, too, lookin’ Ennis more in the face. Well, workin’ for Twist could turn a guy a little sour, no doubt.

Ennis was close enough now ta’ see Buck leer, poke Ken in the ribs. “Sounds like someone’s pussy-whipped himself.” Ken cackled, and Joe advanced on ‘em with balled fists. “Big ol’ faggot if you ask me,” Ken sneered.

Ennis closed his eyes, struggled to breathe against the vise clampin’ ‘round his chest. He felt his hands fist, his vision when he opened his eyes narrow to just Buck. Hadn’t heard the word faggot for some time except from Twist, and his whole body wanted to pummel Ken into the ground, stomp out that word, stomp out all evidence inside himself that it fit him.

People was relyin’ on him now, though. Evelyn and even John Twist, the girls, Joe and Early and Charlie, who needed this ranch to work out, and most of all, Jack. Couldn’t haul off and maul a guy as said what half the guys in the county probably said every day for breakfast. Had to see ‘bout makin’ this boss thing work out. He took a deep breath, advanced on the group, tried to channel his rage into his voice. “Ain’t seein’ no work getting’ done, and I think I’m not payin’ you to jaw.”

Ken took a step back from advancin’ toward Joe, and Joe stopped his advance toward Ken, but Buck took another step. “It’s a free country. We’re just jokin’, don’t mean nothin’.”

Ennis glared at him, then glared at the other two. He growled out “times wastin’,” and the tension held, then broke, Buck laughin’ and steppin’ toward the barn, sayin’ low under his breath, “now that one is a faggot – got no woman from what I hear.”

Ennis stiffened, anger and fear pushin’ up his spine like a physical blow. “They from ‘round here?” he asked Joe. Joe nodded. “Local boys. White trash. Them two’ve been kickin’ ‘round Crook County ranches together fer a coupla years. Pieces o’ shit.” Joe spat impressively into the gravel. “Run with a bad crowd. Pete’s okay, but can’t stand up to ‘em.”

“Yeah.” Ennis tried to ball the feelins’ up, stick ‘em in a hidden place inside. “Well, we’ll soon not need ‘em no more.”

Joe nodded. “Don’t need ta’ tell you ta’ keep your daughters away from ‘em.”

“Yeah. You bet.” Ennis could feel the growl in his voice. “And they better stay away from my daughters. You tell ‘em that.”

Joe nodded again. “My pleasure. But now I think on it, they won’t mess with ‘em anyway. They only mess with them as ain’t got folks ta’ speak for ‘em.”

Ennis nodded. “You’ll be allright?”

Joe grinned. “They know better than ta’ mess with me.”

“Okay then.”

Fear, his old companion, curled itself ‘round Ennis’ gut. Guys like these were troublemakers, and that was the last thing he needed. Guys like these were always on the lookout for folks as was different, tried to stir up trouble.

Well, the ranch needed ‘em now, no doubt, but next time he’d look for help himself – guys as were the quiet type. Didn’t mean those guys wouldn’t despise you just as much as the next guy, if they found out what ya’ did in the dark, but at least they wouldn’t be blabbin’ all over creation.

Ennis felt the fear still roilin’ in his belly, but gave himself a minute to think in amazement at what he’d been thinkin’ on. Yeah, he was afraid, who wouldn’t be, bein’ a guy who fucked a guy in the state of Wyomin’, but he could think over the fear, plan over the fear. The fear was still there, and it probably should be, but it didn’t make him shut down no more, want ta’ curl into a ball somewhere. Made him want ta’ grab his gun, show a fist, but not crawl into a hole. If he turned his back on what he was, that fuckin’ nightmare was gonna start again, he just knew it. If he crawled into a hole, he’d live out his days without Jack. If he stayed upright, stayed smart, they might find a way ta’ be together. It was a strange thing, not lettin’ the fear shut him down, strange and new. Like his momma always said when he was little, wonders never ceased.

The days ticked off slowly, no more word from Jack, and then it was time for the girls ta’ come. Ennis put on his clean shirt and got to town early. Lightnin’ Flat wasn’t even an official stop, but Alma had arranged with the Greyhound fer the girls ta’ be dropped here.

Ennis sat in his truck till he saw the bus chuggin’ down the street. A glad feelin’ rose up strong from his heart, his girls comin’ all this way ta’ see him. Felt different, real different, from pickin’ them up from Alma’s or bringin’ ‘em to his dark trailer.

He stood by the side o’ the road, hat in hand for some reason, tryin’ not ta’ grin like a fool. Sure ‘nuf, here they came, Junior lookin’ like a woman, beautiful young woman with all of life before her, shy smile on her face, but eyes dancin’, Ennis could see. And Francie, that girl full o’ spunk and vinegar, growed into a beautiful colt, all long legs and hair, big ol’ grin on her face, bouncin’ over ta’ him and wrappin’ him in a big hug. Junior, shyer, holdin’ back, but when Ennis turned ta’ her, eyes shiny, and her hand reached out ta’ him a little and he brought an arm ‘round her gentle, she wrapped her arms ‘round him strong and pulled close, and he hugged her good and proper, kissin’ on her hair.

Francine was bouncin’ out of his arms in no time, but Junior said, “we missed you, Daddy,” and Ennis felt their youth still clingin’ to his hands like a livin’ thing and marveled he’d had a part in them comin’ into bein’. Not seein’ the girls since April made him see them clearer than he had for some time. They wasn’t girls no more – they was women, poised on the brink o’ their adult lives.

He remembered the version of Junior as had been in his nightmare, a future Junior wantin’ ta’ marry some fella’ named Kurt, remembered in that dream chokin’ out the question whether Kurt loved her and her wonderin’ look. He squeezed her a little harder to him, let go reluctant. Any time, that part of his dream could come true, Junior a fine young woman now fer sure.

Francie already had their cases, made no bones ‘bout chompin’ at the bit ta’ get goin’. They loaded everythin’ into the truck, Francie chatterin’ a mile a minute, firin’ questions right n’ left.

Ennis’ heart swelled, thinkin’ on these two daughters, so different from each other, yet such good girls. He tried best he could ta’ answer her questions. Yes, there was horses, yes they could ride ‘em with his approvin’ the horse and the ride, yes there was a stream fer takin’ a dip, and a lake he could drive ‘em to one of the days, no there wasn’t much else, not even a t.v., but the store should be deliverin’ the one he ordered tomorrow. Yes there was somethin’ pretty amazin’ to see pretty close by, and he’d take ‘em there ta’ see it while they was here, and no he wasn’t gonna tell ‘em what it was, it was a surprise. Yes the house was almost done, yes the roof was finally on, no there wasn’t no movie theater within fifty miles, and yes they could stay in the house or with the Twists, their choice. And no, the Twists hardly never saw their grandson and yes, they was pleased as punch the girls was comin’, Mrs. Twist makin’ some special dinner even as they spoke.

Evelyn came out on the porch when they pulled up, her bakin’ apron flappin’ in the hot evenin’ wind. She had a huge smile on her face, visible from the gravel parkin’ area in front of the main house.

Ennis said, “she’d kill me if we don’t eat supper here first. Then you can decide where ya’ want ta’ sleep.”

“Daddy.” First time Junior’d spoke the whole drive.

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“Daddy, we want ta’ sleep in that house you’re buildin’.” She lowered her eyes. “If it’s no imposition.”

Warmth bloomed in Ennis. “Never no imposition. Ya’ sure? Not very comfortable yet. I haven’t moved in yet myself.”

Francine said, “well, what’re you waitin’ on daddy?”

Ennis mumbled “just was finished.”

Junior shared a look with Francine, one of them looks girls did with each other. “We’re sure, Daddy. It’s your place. Sure. We’re sure the Twists is nice and all, and it’s kind of them ta’ offer but – we want to. ‘Bout time you moved in, anyway.”

Ennis took a breath. That was settled, then – he’d move in. Seemed right, somehow. He smiled at Junior. “That’ll be just fine, long’s you girls spend some time with Jack’s ma. Think she’s lonesome fer girls. Any grandkids at all for that matter.”

Francie laughed. “We ain’t no grandkids of hers, Daddy, seein’ as how you ain’t married to her kid.”

Ennis fought a blush as threatened to rise, him talkin’ unthinkin’ again, then noticed Junior givin’ him an appraisin’ look he didn’t know how to judge.

Junior said quiet. “Family ain’t always just from marryin’. Daddy’n Mr. Twist’s been friends a long time, Francie.” Francie just rolled her eyes, said back over her shoulder as she pushed the car door open, “I know Daddy didn’t mean we was her grandkids. Jeez!”

By the time Ennis and Junior’d made it to the porch steps, Francie was already gabbin’ up a storm with Evelyn, Evelyn with a delighted smile on her face. Ennis harrumphed. “Francine, you introduce yerself proper?”

Francie opened her mouth to respond, but Evelyn cut in first. “She certainly did, Ennis. You can tell she’s been raised right. Real polite.” Francie beamed, then frowned at Ennis, and Evelyn turned to Junior, who was a step behind Ennis. Evelyn put out her hand, said gentle, “and this young lady must be Alma. Such a beautiful name. Though I think Junior suits you too.”

Junior shook her hand with a little smile. “Pleased ta’ meet you, ma’am. So kind of you to have us visit. Don’t want to be no imposition.”

Evelyn smiled a smile Ennis could see had a fair portion of sad in it. She patted Junior’s hand. “Honey, you can’t begin ta’ imagine how much I was lookin’ forward to a little feminine company. It gets real lonesome out here.” She let go Alma’s hand, shot a sly look toward Ennis. “Though your daddy’s livened things up considerable since he’s been here.”

Francie laughed out loud, said “our daddy’s livened things up!” as sarcastic as you please. Junior said “Francine!” but Ennis let his mouth twist up into a smile.

Evelyn said “Yes. Yes, he has” and caught Ennis’ eyes. Ennis looked at his feet. Evelyn continued, “but now the fun really begins with you girls here. But first dinner, then I imagine you girls’ll want to get settled.”

Ennis cleared his throat. “Uh, they’re goin’ ta’ stay up with me at the house.”

Evelyn nodded. “’Bout time you moved in up there. Maybe you girls can give it a woman’s touch. Sorely needed, I’m sure.” She quirked a brow at them, and Junior got a little smile on her face.

“We’ll see what we can do, ma’am. He’s pretty hopeless, though.”

Evelyn laughed, said, “way it should be, you girls stayin’ with your daddy. But you got to promise me to spend as much time as you want with me. Come on in.” Evelyn led the way up the steps, on into the livin’ room. “Well, this is the livin’ room. Ain’t much, but I try ta’ keep it comfortable.”

“It’s real pretty, ma’am,” Junior said, lookin’ ‘round like she meant it.

Evelyn smiled. “Thank you. So what d’ya girls like ta’ do? Either of you like to cook?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Junior said quiet. “Sew, too. Fun stuff, mostly. I like them covers you have on your furniture.” Evelyn beamed. Covers for furniture? Ennis didn’t really know what they was talkin’ ‘bout, but there had been some pretty colors on some cloth in the livin’ room. Nice cloth on the dinin’ table always, too, now he thought on it.

Evelyn smiled, looked at Francie. “And what do you like to do, Francine?”

Francie got that sparkly look in her eyes. “Anythin’ with horses. The friskier, the better. Got any you need broke? Hey, my daddy says Mr. Twist rode the bulls?”

Ennis put up his hand. “Now Francie, don’t be botherin’ Mr. Twist none.”

“No, sir.” Francie looked at the ground. Ennis sighed inside. Seemed like he was always makin’ Francie feel bad, no matter what he did. She was just so – so headstrong.

Evelyn smiled and said, “Well, you girls must be starvin’. Food’s already laid out. Why don’t you wash up and we’ll eat.”

Soon enough, they were sittin’ at the table, John Twist noddin’ sharp when introduced to the girls, but not sayin’ nothin’ more, as was his way.

Ennis swallowed a smile watchin’ his girls. Junior was savorin’ the main meal politely, and Francine was gleefully loadin’ her plate with cookies after Evelyn had explained her feelins’ ‘bout that. “I don’t generally like cookin’, ma’am, but sure would like to learn how you make these cookies,” Francie said, still chewin’ in a way Ennis had a feelin’ would be considered impolite by her mother.

“I’d sure love that, Francine. Now John – “ Evelyn looked careful at Twist – “Francine here was askin’ ‘bout your ridin’ the bulls.”

Twist twisted his face, looked at Francine. “Yeah I rode the bulls, missy. Been a long time. Nothin’ ta’ talk about.”

Francie got a grin on her face. “What’s the longest you ever stayed on? Where’d ya’ ride? How long’d ya’ do it? What - .”

“Francie!” Ennis’ voice came out sharp. Francie’s face fell, Evelyn’s face was frozen, and Junior looked scared.

Strangest sound Ennis ever heard left John’s mouth, and it took Ennis a few full seconds to realize it was laughter. “You’re a live one, ain’t ya’?” he said to Francine.

“Guess so,” Francie mumbled.

“Well, ya’ oughta know by now how ta’ hold yer tongue ‘round folks as is older an’ wiser than you.”

“Yessir,” Francie said, all light gone out from her face.

Still, Francine perked up in no time as was her way. They ate a huge dinner, the girls eatin’ like there was no tomorrow, and Evelyn’s smile was reachin’ her eyes more n’ more as the meal went on. Francie started chatterin’ ‘bout the bus ride, seein’ all them parts of Wyomin’ she never had before, apparently not much put out by John Twist, and Junior was askin’ questions ‘bout the ranch, real interested in the operations side, and questions to Evelyn ‘bout her cookin’ too.

“I just love travelin’, Daddy,” Francie said. “Think I’m gonna figure out some way when I graduate ta’ see a bit o’ the country.”

Ennis grimaced. “Ain’t no reason ta’ go traipsin’ ‘round. Folks is folks everywhere.”

Evelyn put her fork down. “Now I don’t know about that, Ennis. Surely a girl can’t wander ‘round by herself, that ain’t right, you’re right about that. But maybe seein’ a bit o’ the country’s a good idea. Before a person settles down.”

“I might want ta’ see the ocean sometime.” Junior’s voice, quiet. Ennis felt a wash o’ feelin’, this child so like him. Worth makin’ an effort, her takin’ the unusual step of sayin’ a wish. He swallowed. “Ain’t that far to the ocean. Know someone here in town, our vet, as comes from Oregon, been to the Pacific a hundred times or more. Says it’s wild, not like some o’ them beaches ya’ see fer Hawaii and Florida and all. Big cliffs and crashin’ waves and all.”

Ennis stopped talkin’, hearin’ an unnatural quiet. Everyone was starin’ at him like he'd grown two heads. He felt a blush rise on his face, realizin’ he’d shocked ‘em all talkin’ on travelin’ and oceans and things. Junior’s eyes were shinin’. He cleared his throat. “Well. Time ta’ get settled. Ain’t got no fancy setup for you girls up at the house, you know that.”

Junior got her voice first. “We know that, Daddy. Let’s help Mrs. Twist first.”

“O’course, darlin’.”

Twist looked at Ennis funny, but he didn’t care. His girls was his darlins’, and if Twist didn’t want ta’ hear it, that was his problem. The smile Junior gave him was reward in itself, not that he needed any. Felt good to call ‘em with their love names, so that was what he was gonna do.

As the girls was walkin’ to the kitchen with dirty plates, Twist walked to the door of the dining room, stopped, looked back at Francine. “Well, ya’ comin’ or not?”

Francine just stared at Twist, like all of them was doin’.

“Well, come on, girl, gonna set you up with King. Needs breakin’.”

Glorious light dawned on Francine’s face and she got a spark in her eyes.

Ennis shook his head. “Now, now, none o’ that. Gotta send her back to her ma in one piece.”

Twist grimaced. “Don’t see why she cain’t try ta’ break King. He’s already half there, and she looks like a big strong girl.”

Francie turned to Ennis. “Oh, daddy, please! I’ll be real careful. And the folks at the stable, they say I’m the best rider they’ve seen in ages. And I helped ‘em with breakin’ Pepper, who’s got a low startle point and everythin’.”

John harrumphed, spoke direct to Ennis. “You cain’t coddle ‘em, they won’t grow up strong.” He shook his head and looked at Francine. “Tell ya’ what. You want ta’ ride King – “ he sent a piercin’ glare at Francine – “I’ll work with you.” He turned to Ennis. “That good enough fer you?”

Ennis nodded slowly, a little sick ta’ his stomach. Francie whooped, then stopped herself.

Twist’s glare was back on her. “Ya’ got ta’ learn to curb that mouth o’ yers, girl, or I’m stoppin’ the whole thing.”

Francie opened her mouth, and Twist put up a hand. “Not a word. I ain’t gonna be trainin’ no horse with no blabbermouth. Come or don’t.”

Ennis felt his gut churn. No one talked ta’ his daughters like that. He was goin’ ta’ have ta’ tell John - .

“Yes, sir,” Francie said, still grinnin’. Ennis stared at her. She was so different from him and Junior. Ennis hardly understood her sometimes, but she had a sort of free spirit – maybe a little like Jack when he was younger, but different, tougher underneath. Most things, things as would knock Ennis down, didn’t faze her. Looked like she weren’t bothered at all by sourpuss Twist, so Ennis swallowed the words he was gonna say.

Twist stomped out, leavin’ all of ‘em watchin’ the empty doorway.

“Daddy?” Francie looked at Ennis, hope in her eyes.

He nodded again, sendin’ up a little prayer nothin’ bad would happen to her, ‘cause Alma’d hunt him down and never let him forget it. “Don’t let his words get ta’ yah, ya’hear?”

She ran into the kitchen to deposit the plates, came back out, bounced up to him and kissed his head. “Don’t worry, daddy, I won’t!”

After he and Junior helped Evelyn clean up, they drove up ta’ the house, checkin’ on Francine as they went. Twist was barkin’ at her while she was standin’ in the corral with King. Looked like things was in control, him not lettin’ her even approach the horse yet. Twist offered ta’ drive her up to the house once they were done, sayin’ “she ain’t gettin’ out o’ here before she does some real work, that’s fer sure.” Francine looked happy, though, so Ennis swallowed his worry and drove on up ta’ the house.

Junior gasped when she saw it, was quiet when Ennis gave her a tour. He showed her the bedrooms, gettin’ shy but tryin’ not ta’ show it thinkin’ on the biggest bedroom, the one he sometimes let himself picture with him and Jack in it. He’d built three bedrooms, though, so they could act like they each had one, the third bein’ a guest room. He didn’t let himself think on the house much, ‘cause it was too strange and strong a thought, some future time when Jack and him might actually be together. Seemed impossible, seemed too strong to think on.

When they was in the kitchen, and he’d shown her everythin’ that was there, which wasn’t much yet, Junior said quiet, “Is Mr. Twist goin’ ta’ come here, Daddy? Seems like there’d be plenty of room?”

Ennis looked at her. “Maybe. Built it so there’s room if he wants to. Seein’ as how he might want a place not with his folks. Things ain’t goin’ so well with his wife and him. A shame. “

She nodded “I can see a man his age wouldn’t want ta’ live with his parents. Better if he’s here.”

Ennis cleared his throat, remembered his dream conversation with Junior. ”You be sure ta’ marry right, ya’ hear? “

Junior nodded, said, “You bet. And daddy, I’m glad you’re not goin’ ta’ be so lonesome.”

Ennis shook his head, smiled, “Now I told you, I ain’t lonesome, I - .”

“Daddy.” Junior had a tone Ennis’d never heard before. “You’ve been livin’ lonesome fer a long time. I’m glad you’ve got the Twists now.” She looked at the unpainted wall. “Hope yer friend comes. Want to think of you with people around who you can have fun with, who care ‘bout you.”

Ennis stared at his little girl, not so little any more. Did she know? She’d been raised so innocent, seemed impossible she’d have any conception. He couldn’t tell. Probably it was all innocent, but there was something - somethin’ that didn’t bear thinkin’ on, since he himself could hardly think on what he did, and the idea of his daughter thinkin’ on it - . He forced his thoughts to calm. Either way, whatever she knew, or wondered, she was wishin’ him not so lonely, so he just said. “Allright. I’m tryin’. And you girls need to come here all the time.”

She nodded. “Good fer us, too, daddy. Good ta’ see ya’ in a better place, good ta’ have such a place ta’ come to.”

Ennis’ eyes stung, and he had to turn away. Junior changed her voice, made it happy. “Okay, let’s get our stuff in here, huh?” Ennis nodded, then grabbed Junior with one arm and squeezed her to him with a rough hug. She squeezed back, then they went out ta’ the truck ta’ get the girls’ stuff. After a bit Francine came in, glowin’ with excitement, covered in dirt, so Ennis sent her ta’ the shower.

He brought his sleepin’ bag into the big bedroom, first time ever, laid it down on the big ol’ mattress lyin’ on the floor in the middle of that big empty room, put the girls in the room as he told them was theirs whenever they wanted it. The mattresses and bed frames for all the beds had been delivered, but none of ‘em had a lick of energy left fer puttin’ ‘em together tonight, so the girls just made up beds on the mattresses on the floor. Evelyn had helped him think ahead, and he’d bought some nice sheets in a blue color he figured would do for the girls or maybe even Bobby one day, though that thought was hard ta’ grasp. More likely if he ever came, he’d stay with his grandfolks anyway. Bought some new blankets, too, Evelyn insistin’ they added value ta’ the property in the face of his objection he shouldn’t be spendin’ no money on such stuff.

He’d near died when he’d ordered a full size bed for the main bedroom, but the sales guy didn’t blink an eye. When Evelyn was out of hearin’ distance, he winked at Ennis, said “that way there’s room for the occasional lady friend, right?” Ennis had managed a smile, and the guy hadn’t thought anythin’ of it.

Though he’d thought to the contrary, now it seemed like the right thing to do, sleepin’ in the house though Jack hadn’t moved there. He and Jack had slept in the house that night he came in the thunderstorm, so it seemed like it was theirs now, and right for Ennis to sleep in it. Seemed like him sleepin’ here showed he was stayin’, stayin’ for real, stayin’ for good. Wasn’t even goin’ ta’ think ‘bout Jack tellin’ him ta’ leave, still a possibility, but one he wasn’t goin’ ta’ think on.

But sleepin’ in the house felt strange after so long a time in the tent. He stayed awake way too long, thinkin’ on Jack and how it’d feel ta’ have him sleepin’ right beside him in this room. Moonlight was beamin’ in through the uncovered window, and Ennis remembered Evelyn had said they needed window coverins’. Well of course they did, but how was anyone supposed to think of all these things?

Tonight the moon wreathed a full swath of silver across the mattress, and Ennis couldn’t help rememberin’ times Jack and him had spent together. The time in Texas, most recent, moonlight filterin’ through the slats of the blinds onto Jack’s body, the desperation of that time piercin’ Ennis’ heart thinkin’ on it. The first time on Brokeback, moonlight through the tent walls illuminatin’ their violent couplin’. And all the times in between, Jack n’ him laughin’ and splashin’ each other with water, naked in a lake in the moonlight when they was about thirty, a slow gentle fuck just last year ‘round their fire when the night was too warm for a tent. Lots o’ times, strung out ‘cross the years, like lights for ships on them buoys at sea.

Ennis ached from the lost years, all the joy they’d had, all the time they could’ve had. Jack’s heart was open to Ennis, always had been if he’d listened. He could almost feel him now, ‘cross the miles. Jack was sufferin’, he just knew it. Phone was goin’ in at the house in a few days, and if Jack hadn’t called him by then, Ennis was goin’ ta’ call Jack. Probably cause him a heart attack, but sounded like Jack was dealin’ with a whole mess of a situation. Maybe he was lookin’ at the moon now too, right now, thinkin’ on Ennis, thinkin’ on all their times together. Maybe his heart was yearnin’ for Ennis, just as Ennis’ heart yearned for him.

The time with the girls lightened Ennis’ heart considerable, them seemin’ ta’ blossom under the hot summer sun as melted ‘bout everyone else. Blossomin’ too under Evelyn’s kind care, and in Francie’s case, strange as it was, from John Twist’s teachin’. Most every day Francie would come stormin’ home, or stormin’ ta’ the main house, grumblin’ under her breath ‘bout the ol’ tyrant, but ‘parently they’d reached some kind of accommodation, ‘cause she never said them things where Twist could hear ‘em.

Then a few minutes later, back she’d go, determined look on her face. Far as Ennis could see, neither one of ‘em ever said sorry or gave ground, but Francie was in her element workin’ with King. Sometimes Ennis shuddered, seein’ her up on that big strong horse, Twist callin’ her sissy and stupid and all kinds of names, but never leavin’ her alone, always stickin’ close at hand, got to give him that.

One day Ennis saw from a distance that John’d let Francie ride him outside the fenced area, saw King buck like the kingly animal he was, felt his heart in his mouth from fear, picturin’ Francie’s brains bashed out, life drainin’ out o’ her, all for what? He couldn’t take it no more, marched over ta’ Twist, said “this is over.” Twist spat on the ground close to Ennis’ feet and snarled, “ya’ want her to grow up scared of her shadow? Gotta push kids ta’ get ‘em ta’ be their best.” Francie muscled King over, holdin’ her seat real pretty while he danced sideways, kickin’ up dust with every step. “Ah, daddy, it’s okay. ‘Sides, Mr. Twist don’t hardly let me do nothin’.”

“Now you shut yer mouth, girl. You thought you were a rider, but you were worthless ‘fore you got here. Stupid, too.”

Ennis advanced on Twist. “Now listen here. You can call me all the names you want, but no one talks ta’ my daughter that way.”

Twist shook his head. “Fine. Have ‘em grow up ta’ be sissies.” He gave Ennis a significant glance. “Or worse. Worthless like Jack.”

Ennis took another step toward him, lowered his voice. “Way I see it, Jack was lucky ta’ get out o’ yer clutches. Way I see it, you weren’t no daddy at all, just a bully.”

“You watch yer mouth. I - .”

“Daddy, Mr. Twist, look!” Francie had a big ol’ grin still, amazin’ those kind of words just bounced off her, when for Jack, they went somewhere deep inside and stayed, least that’s what Ennis thought. Francie pulled King into a smooth slow circle, and Ennis had ta’ admire the beauty of it.

Twist grunted, turned his back on Ennis, yelled at Francie, “now stop showin’ off and do somethin’ real there.”

Ennis looked at Francie, ridin’ so fine, looked at Twist, tyrant and asshole, weighed his options. Took a breath and decided ta’ let be. Probably should call Twist on it, stop all this nonsense, but lookin’ at Francie – well, she looked happy, happier than he’d seen her in Riverton, that was fer sure. Didn’t look beaten down at all. Wouldn’t do nothin’ but harm ta’ get on Twist now, him and Jack’s situation was precarious enough. He’d laid some pretty harsh words on Twist just now, too, now that he thought on it. Surprisin’ Twist hadn’t told him ta’ get off his property. He took another breath and walked, stalkin’, away. It felt like givin’ in, which twisted his gut up fierce, but he could see bein’ a real man didn’t mean fightin’ every fight.

The days stretched on, the girls gettin’ brown and strong, Evelyn and Junior sewin’ up stuff for the new house, Evelyn and Francie cookin’ up wilder and wilder desserts usin’ the fresh berries and fruit the girls went ta’ harvest every mornin’. Every mornin’ early and every evenin’, Francie and John Twist worked with King, frightenin’ Ennis half ta’ death, but fillin’ him with happiness ta’ see Francine so happy. Since their blowout, he’n Twist hadn’t exchanged more’n grunts, not that that was much of a change, but that was just fine with Ennis.

Sometimes Junior and him’d cook dinner at the new house, every time discoverin’ he was missin’ some critical piece of equipment, Junior writin’ it down on an endless list of stuff apparently houses had to have. He’d stumble in from work and there’d be new curtains up, covers on some furniture that’d been bare and stark, or bed frames put together. Junior liked makin’ things, and Bonnie had taken ta’ showin’ her a thing or two as she did finish work ‘round the place.

He took the girls ta’ Devil’s Tower one day, fiercely suppressin’ the memories the place brought on, and this time they went ta’ the main entrance, went through the museum there. With his new glasses, Ennis could read the brochure the lady gave them, and he felt a measure of pride readin’ for his girls. Junior looked at him approvingly, just said, “good to hear you readin’, Daddy,” and Ennis thought what a little thing it was, but what a big thing too. The girls were amazed by the Tower, and wondered ‘bout those long ago people just like Ennis did.

Before he knew it, there was only a few days left on the girls’ visit and he still hadn’t heard from Jack. The phone man was supposed ta’ come the day after the girls left, and Ennis was thinkin’ he wanted the first phone call he made ta’ be ta’ Jack. Silly girlish notion he didn’t want ta’ think ‘bout too much, but still, seemed right. He spared a moment ta’ look at the road leadin’ to the highway, ridiculous of course, since there was no way Jack’d be comin’ on it any time soon, but still, he let himself think on the notion, just for a minute.

Coupla nights before the girls was ta’ leave, Francie came in, suspicious tracks on her cheeks through the dust as coated them. She stomped in and slammed the door, said “I hate him, and went ta’ take a shower.

Ennis stopped choppin’ an onion fer Junior, said, “that does it, I’ve gotta put a stop ta’ it,” anger boilin’ up in him once again at the man sayin’ cuttin’ words ta’ his daughter.

Junior turned ‘round from the fry pan, said quiet. “I don’t know, daddy. Francie was havin’ – troubles – back home. Seems like since she’s been here, she’s happier.” She looked away. “Maybe healthier too.”

“Healthier?” Ennis didn’t like the sound of that.

Junior bit her lip. Ennis lowered his voice, tried to seem calm. “Honey, if it’s somethin’ dangerous, I need ta’ know. I won’t tell her ya’ said nothin’.”

Junior put down the spoon. “It’s just – ma and Monroe, they’re into all that holy roller stuff – come down hard on us fer a long time, and Francie – she’s one as needs some freedom, ya’ know?”

Ennis nodded, seein’ the young Jack in his thoughts. “Go on.”

Junior sighed. “Daddy, she’s been drinkin’ on the sly, hangin’ out with a bad crowd. She’s not really like that, but momma won’t let her do nothin’ like this with King, and maybe she needs it, like – like ta’ get that wild part out or somethin’? And Mr. Twist – well, she don’t take that stuff ta’ heart. She appreciates he’s teachin’ her and holdin’ her ta’ account.”

Took Ennis some thinkin’ ta’ understand what Junior was sayin’, but it made sense, much as he hated ta’ admit it. “Allright. I’ll hold my tongue. On all o’ it. You think she’s gonna be okay fer the last year o’ high school? “

Junior nodded. “Seen somethin’ new in her here. She told me she’s gotta stay healthy now she knows she can work with beauties like King. That’s what she said – beauties like King.” Junior smiled fond. “I think she’s strong, daddy, real strong. No one’s gonna make her do nothin’ she don’t want ta’ do. And she’s not stupid.”

He nodded. “You’ll call me if she’s gettin’ inta trouble?”

“Yeah, you bet, daddy. I’ll call you.”

“Okay then.”

Next day he was out in the northwest pasture early, doin’ inventory with Joe, when Charlie came ridin’ up, horse lathered. “Ennis! Ennis, come quick!”

Fear crashed through Ennis, and his voice came out weak. “What’s wrong?”

“Francie fell, ridin’ that fool horse King, she’s bleedin’ bad. Twist’s with her outside the barn.”

Ennis’ knees felt weak. His baby? What? His brain took over. “Lisa. Lisa’s down ta’ the Smith place next door. Know it ‘cause she’s supposed ta’ come here next, look at that calf what’s low. Here.” Ennis tossed Charlie the keys to his truck. “Take my horse, she’s fresh. Take my truck, get ta’ Lisa at the Smiths, get her here. I’ll be with Francie and Twist.”

Charlie nodded and they switched mounts, and Charlie galloped off, no more words exchanged.

Even in such a panic, Ennis was careful of the horse, lathered bad already from Charlie’s mad dash. It was maddenin’, since all he wanted was ta’ race like the wind ta’ Francie. This was all his fault, not standin’ up ta’ Twist, man as egged Francie on till she did somethin’ stupid. His own fault, so scared of Twist thinkin’ him a sissy, callin’ him by the right name, faggot, that he didn’t stand up like a father should fer his daughter. Every step of the horse beat shame into Ennis’ bones, brought another horrific vision of his daughter ta’ mind.

When he finally arrived back at the main house, he had eyes for nothin’ but where his daughter might be, saw her n’ Twist right away, Twist kneelin’ shirtless beside his baby, her lyin’ on the dirt, red stained shirt twisted right ‘round her left arm, Francie’s face pale, eyes wide.

“Francie!” Ennis pushed Twist aside, knelt where he’d been, grabbed Francie’s hand. “What happened, what’s hurt?”

Francie smiled, shockin’ thing ta’ see on her white face. “Just a cut, daddy. King had ta’ get the last of his fight out, just bad luck I wasn’t payin’ attention that second like I should be, landed on a rock as was under the straw, cut me open a little.”

Ennis turned on Twist. “What’re ya’ doin! You should get help!”

Twist grimaced. “Already sent fer Lisa, bound it up myself ta’ stop the bleedin’, Evelyn’s gettin’ some clean cloths. It’s just a cut.”

Ennis could tell Francie didn’t have no broken bones, no broken head, and on his relief he spat out. “What the hell was you doin’ when this happened? No, don’t answer. You was eggin’ her on, callin’ her names, getting’ yer jollies makin’ her feel like a coward when she’s the bravest thing I ever known?”

Twist’s face was pale, and seemed to drain of a little more blood. He looked down at Francie and stayed quiet.

Ennis felt words bubble up inside, unstoppable. “You’re nothin’ but a bully, ya’ know that? Think ya’ can teach a child through insults, but all it does is make ‘em want ta’ run, far as they can!”

Twist looked up ta’ Ennis, expression he’d never seen before on his face, said real quiet. “Ain’t Francine yer talkin’ ‘bout now, is it?” Ennis had ta’ look away. Now he saw Francie’d be allright, it was true all Ennis was seein’ was Jack, young Jack, beat on with fists and words by this tyrant, yearnin’ out that window.

Ennis swallowed. “Guess it don’t matter, ya’ treat ‘em all the same.”

Twist was lookin’ at Ennis now with somethin’ on his face, somethin’ Ennis couldn’t figure, like wantin’ Ennis ta’ understand? Seemed impossible, but maybe somewhere deep down was a father, regrettin’ on bein’ a bad daddy. “I didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout bein’ no daddy, still don’t. Don’t know no other way o’ talkin’.”

Twist hung his head down, looked down at Francie, patted on her hand kind of pathetic. “Francine, ya’ know yer a beauty, ridin’ that animal, ya’ got so much spirit.” Twist cut his eyes away and Ennis couldn’t talk fer a minute. Twist was feelin’ somethin’? Feelin’ somethin’ fer Francine?

Twist gave an exasperated sigh. “Shit, where is that woman? I know her arm’s fine, but I didn’t wanna move her till Lisa checked her out.”

Ennis nodded. “You done good. She’ll be fine.” He smiled at Francine, who’d been followin’ the conversation with an amazed look. “You’ll be fine, right darlin’?”

He could almost feel Twist pull up short on him usin’ that word ta’ call his baby by, but he didn’t care. Twist could call him faggot till the day he died and it wouldn’t matter deep inside Ennis, the place where he knew what was true and what was right. And if Twist wanted ta’ speculate on whether Ennis called Jack darlin’ in the dark of the night, or even the light of day should he be so lucky, well, so be it. Fuck him, that’s what Ennis felt.

Lisa pulled up right beside ‘em in her truck right at that moment, hopped out and was gently shovin’ Twist and him out o’ the way within seconds. She unwrapped the shirt gingerly, which took some doin’, since Twist had obviously pulled it real tight ta’ try to stanch the bleedin’, good move Ennis had to give him grudgin’ credit for. Lisa looked careful at the gash that Ennis could see clear now in the fleshy under part of Francine’s arm.

Lisa straightened, nodded, smiled at Francine. “Good thing you had these gentlemen here to take care of this. Looks like it’s already healing. We’re going to have to clean it out good, and I can do a couple of stitches if your dad approves, then you should heal up perfect, be good as new.”

Twist sighed out a breath he’d apparently been holding, and Ennis said, grudgingly, but it was only fair, “it was John as stopped the bleedin’ so fast. I wasn’t here.”

Ennis felt Twist’s eyes on him, but he didn’t even want to look. Twist pushed up to a stand, said, “well, I’ll leave you all to it. Ya’ want some of the hands ta’ carry her in?”

Francie pushed up to a sit. “Don’t be silly. I want ta’ walk, but could you stay?” She looked at Twist, who looked ta’ Ennis. “Depends on yer daddy I guess.”

Ennis wanted ta’ say no, but Twist still looked pale, and somethin’ had shifted in the lines of his face, makin’ him look old. Ennis nodded, silent, and they each took one of Francie’s elbows and helped her into the house, Lisa rustlin’ ‘round in her truck fer supplies.

Francie lay on the couch in the livin’ room, and Lisa shooed them all away fer the cleanin’ and the sewin’. She prescribed cookies and juice and a nap, then said Francie could go back ta’ all her regular activities the next day.

“No more ridin’ King fer you, though,” Twist said.

Francie frowned, and Ennis cleared his throat. “Now that ain’t right. You know what they say ‘bout gettin’ right back on the horse as threw you.” Ennis looked down at the floor. “Only if you’re there, though,” he said, and raised his eyes ta’ Twist.

John’s face was pale, but a faint flush rose up at Ennis’ words, covered his cheeks. He nodded once, said “thank you.”

“Yer welcome.” Ennis had to work hard ta’ keep his lips from quirkin’, that bein’ the first time he’d ever heard Twist thank anyone for anything the entire time he’d been here.

Twist stayed subdued fer the rest of the girls’ visit, but Ennis saw him helpin’ Francie up in the saddle real gentle the day after she was hurt, heard him startin’ ta’ say cuttin’ things at her, try ta’ stop himself. Once he was workin’ in the barn and he heard Twist start ta’ call her stupid, then cut himself off, then Francie’s ringin’ voice sayin’ “now see here, ya’ don’ have ta’ treat me with kid gloves. Like ya’ just fine the way you was, even when you hurt my feelins’. Good trainin’ fer me, wantin’ ta’ work with horse people. Reckon lots of them ain’t exactly goin’ ta’ be sayin’ please and thank you all the time.”

Twist mumbled somethin’ Ennis couldn’t hear.

Francie answered back, voice lower, “Was my own stupid fault, not yers.”

When it came time fer the girls ta’ leave, Evelyn didn’t make no bones ‘bout the tears standin’ in her eyes, sent cookies and sandwiches put up in a basket, some bright cloth thing back for Alma, kissed the girls and made ‘em promise ta’ come back, which they did willin’, eyes shinin’ themselves.

Ennis could hardly look at ‘em fer fightin’ with his feelins’, didn’t know if he could keep it together, this visit bein’ so sweet, him finally spendin’ time with ‘em both, real time, takin’ the time ta’ get to know them, each their own person.

Twist came out at the last minute, sour expression on his face, looked at his feet, grumbled out, “wife’s gonna need you – “ he pointed at Junior – “back here soon or she’ll be moanin’ ta’ me all year. And King – “ he turned ta’ Francie. “King’s gonna need that firm hand o’ yours.” He looked at his feet again. ‘So get on back here. That’s all.” He spun on his heels and strode hard toward the barn, leavin’ all of them starin’.

Bringin’ the girls ta’ the spot on the highway in the middle of Lightnin’ Flat where the Greyhound would pick ‘em up had ta’ be one of the low points of Ennis’ life, him seein’ that livin’ life with more color in it came with harder sadness, too. Like, the bitter and the sweet was so tied up together, into a braid like Evelyn’s colored yarns, all intermixed, so that you couldn’t have the beauty without the sorrow, but the sorrow made the beauty all that stronger.

The less said or thought about that Greyhound comin’, and those girls loadin’ on, the better, though both of ‘em told him, strong and clear, weren’t nothin’ stoppin’ ‘em from comin’ back again in a coupla months. Junior said she’d save up vacation from the secretary job she’d started, and Francie said they got a break in the fall as lasted a week, plus add the weekends and that was nine days. Ennis put it in his head for October, and thought on how many good things came with the fall that they’d like, Evelyn no doubt puttin’ up pies and things like the dickens, the stock rounded up and sorted for the winter.

When Ennis got back to the house that night after workin’ a long hard day, he sat starin’ at the new phone as had been installed, straddlin’ the high counter between kitchen and living room. Chances were Jack wasn’t home, or Lureen was, but he had ta’ try. Jack’d sounded so beat down when they talked, and besides, Ennis needed to hear Jack’s voice. He had ta’ admit, too, he couldn’t believe Jack hadn’t called him in all this time, he’d sounded so relieved and sorry when he’d called from the hospital all them days ago.

Ennis clutched Jack’s home phone number in his hand, took a breath and dialed the operator, explainin’ ‘bout wantin’ ta’ charge the call ta’ his home phone. She called back in a few minutes ta’ check if it was really his number, and then his call went through. He thought no one was goin’ ta’ answer, ‘cause it rang ‘bout eight times, and was almost hangin’ up, when Jack answered the phone, breathless. “Hello.”

“Jack?”

“Ennis?”

“Um, hello Jack. This an okay time?”

There was silence on the other end, then the scrapin’ of a chair ta’ the phone. “Yeah, yeah, this is okay. Just got home from the hospital, but Lureen’s not here, so yeah, about as good a time as any I guess.”

There was a tone in Jack’s voice Ennis had never heard before, somethin’ as scared him deep down, somethin’ dead soundin’.

“Jack, ya’ allright?”

Jack laughed, bitter sound. “Not really.” He sounded exhausted.

Ennis just sat silent, not knowin’ what ta’ say. Wasn’t like Jack ta’ sound like that. “What’s -? How’s Bill?”

“You really wanna know, Ennis?”

“Yeah I really wanna know.” Ennis was gettin’ real worried, Jack soundin’ like he hadn’t slept in all the weeks he’d been gone.

“Well, let’s see.” Jack sounded sarcastic. “He’s hooked up ta’ ‘bout a thousand tubes fer food and medicine against the infections and stuff, his kidneys is damaged probably forever, but really, that don’t matter much, ‘cause he ain’t never gonna walk again. Too bad the police didn’t wait a little longer – he almost drowned in his own blood, and it would’ve been a mercy.”

Images flashed in Ennis’ brain in a sickenin’ flash. In his nightmare, Jack lyin’ helpless on his back, drownin’ in his own blood, alone, never knowin - . Fuck. Ennis felt his breathin’ speed up, his heart racin’. “What -? What’re ya’ sayin’, Jack?”

Jack laughed again, bitter. “Just what you think I’m sayin’. Bunch o’ good ol’ boys, meatheads o’ Childress, got wind of him steppin’ out with some boy in the next county over, forced him over on the rural route at night, three of ‘em worked him over, internal injuries, then one of ‘em had a tire iron they’re sayin’, hit him in the wrong spot on his spine, so - .” Jack’s voice broke, and Ennis’ heart with it.

“Jack, oh Jack.”

After a minute Jack’s voice came on again, anguished soundin’. “It’s my fault, Ennis.”

“What kinda bullshit is that? Ain’t your fault!”

“No, you don’t understand. Ennis, I - . I’d always told him, always, ‘bout you, wasn’t never no illusions there, and we weren’t – it was just a sometimes thing, but, it’d been a long time, and like I told you, I think he was growin’ fond. So when I told him - . Shit.” Jack stopped again, and Ennis could hear him breathin’ heavy. His arms ached ta’ be around Jack.

“S’allright Jack.” Ennis heard the tenderness in his own voice, but if Jack heard it, it didn’t make no difference, ‘cause Jack spat out “it ain’t allright, ain’t nothin’ never gonna be allright.”

Ennis just hung on, tryin’ ta’send his feelins’ right on through that phone line, and after a few minutes Jack said, calmer, “when I told him I wasn’t seein’ him no more like that, he went a little crazy, started ta’ run ‘round where people coulda seen him, though he’d always been real careful. I told him ta’ stop, but guess it didn’t help, ‘cause rumors started ‘bout him and some young flash boy over ta’ the next county. I thought he’d calm down, get back ta’ his careful ways, but – Childress guys took care o’ him forever on the side of that highway. I shouldn’t o’ done it, shoulda never been with him ta’ begin with, shouldn’t of broken it off like I did, sudden, shoulda - .” Jack stopped again.

Words wanted ta’ come out of Ennis, and he let them, his Jack in so much pain. “Jack, wasn’t yer fault, was my fault as much as yers, but wasn’t yer fault, was them assholes, them assholes as gotta be holier than everyone else, and then they go an’ hurt this guy as probably never hurt anyone in his life. Wasn’t yer fault, you hear me?”

“I hear you, but it was. All of it. Ennis, you were right all this time. What they done – it’s too horrible ta’ say. You were right. I’m done.”

“Jack, no.”

Jack laughed, another horrible laugh. “Isn’t that the irony of life? Ennis del Mar fuckin’ right all along. Shit, Ennis, it’s not like I didn’t know there was danger, I’m not as much an idiot as you think, but I never thought, I never seen up close - . And it’s 1983. Eighty fuckin’ three. He was always careful, always, till this. ‘Course, what the fuck does that have ta’ do with it, anyway? Could happen ta’ anyone like us, anytime, no reason.” Jack took a shudderin’ breath. “I ain’t lettin’ this happen ta’ you.”

“Jack, don’t do this.” Ennis gripped harder on the phone.

“Do what? Give ya’ what ya’ always wanted? Leave you in peace, right?”

Ennis didn’t spare a thought ta’ feel his own hurt and anger at Jack’s words, he hurt so bad for Jack right now. “Jack, stop it.”

“No, not stoppin’ it. It’s not worth it, thinkin’ on somethin’ like that happenin’ ta’ you, ain’t gonna risk that. “

“Jack.” Ennis’ voice came out with a break in it.

“You should leave, Ennis. Ain’t no place safe in these parts o’ the country fer folks like us, maybe nowhere.”

Ennis took in a shudderin’ breath. “Jack, don’t do this now, not now when I got myself here, I’m waitin’ on you. I can do this.”

He heard Jack take a big breath. “No. No, Ennis, maybe you can do it, but I cain’t. I won’t. I want ya’ to - .”

Ennis interrupted Jack before the words could come out, words as would say Jack wanted him ta’ leave. “Stop, Jack. Don’t say nothin’ now, yer not thinkin’ straight.”

Jack laughed, bitter laugh. “I’m thinkin’ straight allright. Thinkin’ straight for the first time. I seen what they did to him, Ennis. I seen his smashed in face, I seen him not able ta’ move one fuckin’ little toe. You need to leave. It’s not gonna work. You said if I told you go, you would, so I’m - .”

Ennis broke in, sob cuttin’ his voice. “Jack, no. Don’t say it, don’t tell me ta’ go. ”

Ennis clutched the phone receiver tight in his fingers, sweat makin’ it hard to hang on. It felt like the whole world had narrowed down ta’ this one thing, this connection between Jack and him. All the years with Jack flashed before Ennis – nineteen and innocent, tumblin’ together in the cold mountain air, twenty three and findin’ each other after four dry years, late twenties and still smilin’ joyous seein’ each other fer the first time wherever they met. Thirty, and thirty five, and thirty nine, the passion and friendship still there under the bitter.

Jack said, “Ennis,” and somethin’ rational was back in his voice, but he took a breath and said “Ennis, I’m askin’ you, I’m askin you to -.” and Ennis said “Jack, no, don’t tell me ta’ go, don’t say it, it’s wrong, it’s a mistake.”

Jack was silent on the other end, gatherin’ breath ta’ speak, Ennis could tell, and Ennis took a shudderin’ breath. He looked at the walls, can of lupine blue paint sittin’ in that livin’ room ready for paintin’. Ennis let the breath out, said, desperate, “don’t tell me ta’ go.”

Jack said defeated into the phone, “Ennis, you gotta.”

Ennis took another breath in, a deep one, closed his eyes, ta’ feel like he was with Jack, and then he said, “Don’t tell me ta’ go. I love you, Jack.”

Jack was silent on the other end of the phone.

“Ennis?” Jack’s voice was a whisper.

Ennis could barely get words out. His voice came out choked. “You heard me.”

Jack breathed out loud. “Ennis, don’t do this ta’ me. Not now, not after all this time.”

“Ain’t doin’ nothin’ but sayin’ the truth.”

Jack’s voice rose. “And ya’ choose this goddamn minute, out o’ all the goddamn minutes we’ve known each other, all the fuckin’ minutes, all the fuckin’ years, ta’ tell me this?”

Ennis put his hand over his eyes, held the receiver tight ta’ his head, said low into the phone. “Yeah. Yeah, bud. I’m choosin’ this fuckin’ minute ta’ tell you. Shoulda chose ‘bout every minute in the last twenty years, but I didn’t, so I’m doin’ it now.”

Ennis heard a little gasp like a sob come out o’ Jack on the other end of the phone, then silence. He pictured Jack on the other end, sittin' in his lonely house in Childress, tryin’ ta’ keep his act together against all the shit as had happened ta’ him in the last coupla months, and his heart filled with love and with pity. Even now, Jack’d be tryin’ ta’ be brave, tryin’ ta act a man, with his world all shiftin’ ‘round him.

“Jack - .” Ennis’ voice was soft and tender, he could hear it himself. “Jack, just don’t decide nothin’ right now. All I’m sayin’. Wait’ll you come up here again, or I’ll come there if ya’ want, we can talk it through. Just promise ta’ come up here soon’s ya’ can, then if ya’ still feel that way, fine, I’ll leave, but give me a chance, don’t do it like this, on the fuckin’ phone.”

Jack sounded exhausted, defeated, weariness showin’ through in his voice, but he said “okay. Okay, fine. I’ll wait’ll I can come up there. No way you should come down here right now.”

Ennis’ knees felt weak on the relief, and he said soft into the phone, “Jack, listen, get on up here. Come up here soon, will you promise me that?”

“Or what?” The bitter tone was back in Jack’s voice.

Ennis thought of them flowers Jack gave him ta’ help him stay patient. “Or nothin’. Not like that. That’s not what I mean. I mean ta’ talk it through. Just sounds like you could use a friend.”

Jack sighed. “Ain’t gonna change my mind. World's too fucked up. But I guess I owe it to you ta’ tell ya’ in person. We can plan it so it don’t leave you on the street. Ah, shit, Ennis, all hell’s breakin’ loose down here. I think they’re tellin’ his wife what really happened today, it’s gonna be all over town and - .”

“Jack.” Ennis used the voice he used on his horses, his daughters when they was young. “Jack, listen ta’ me. Come up here, just ta’ visit. Tell me you’ll come.”

Jack’s voice was a whisper. “Allright, I’ll come.”

“Good.” Ennis swallowed. “How soon?”

“How soon?” Jack’s voice was irritated, a fact that made Ennis happy, since it was a sign of life as had been sorely missin’.

Ennis kept his voice calm, like he didn’t know Jack was gettin’ pissed. “Yeah, how soon? Say when you can get up here.”

“Fuck you, Ennis del Mar. Fine. I’ll be there - .” Jack seemed to think for a minute. “ – be there by the end of next week. Won’t be able ta’ stay more’n a few hours, but I guess I owe ya’ that much. Look for me next Friday night. Don’t tell my folks – I’ll have ta’ turn right around.”

“Allright. Next Friday. Countin’ on it. And Jack - .”

“Yeah.”

“Be careful.”

“Yeah, you too. There’s nuts like that everywhere, Ennis, not just Childress.”

“Good folks everywhere too, Jack.”

“Jesus Christ. Now you’re goin’ ta’ start in on me with whiskey springs an’ all?”

Ennis winced, recognizin’ them mockin’ words he’d flung at Jack moren’ once. “Jack - .”

“Ah, fuck it. I’ll come next week, but that’s it. I’m sure people’s already talkin’ ‘bout us up in Lightnin’ Flat, Ennis. You gotta get out o’ there, and there ain’t nowhere we can shack up in a place either of us’d want ta’ live.”

“Jack - .”

“I’ll come ‘cause I owe ya’, but I’m final on it. Goodbye, Ennis.”

Ennis cradled that phone ta’ his ear long after the line’d gone dead. He’d never heard Jack sound like that. He’d heard him sarcastic, sure, and beat down by Ennis’ scorn, but never afraid. Wasn’t like Jack Twist ta’ be afraid.

Strange thing, fear. ‘Cause now Jack was feelin’ it so strong, Ennis himself seemed not to. Or, better way ta’ put it, he felt fear, but he saw there was somethin’ more important, saw it clear and strong.

He was full o’ fear for Jack, down there where Bill’s truth was likely gonna all come out. Full o’ fear for the both of ‘em, havin’ ta’ live in a world where what ya’ did with someone willin’ behind closed doors could get ya’ killed or worse.

But there was somethin’ more important, somethin’ stronger, and he could see it as clear as he could them craggy peaks of Brokeback when he closed his eyes.

He’d told Jack he loved him on the phone tonight, he could hardly believe he’d done it, he could feel the flush on his cheeks now just thinkin’ about it.

But he could feel the power of it, too. It’d stopped Jack from tellin’ him ta’ leave, made him agree to come ta’ Ennis.

It was woven through all their years, together and apart, good and bad. Even now, he could feel it bindin’ their hearts together, Jack willin’ or not, makin’ them yearn on each other.

That Song from the Bible had a piece in it that Ennis’ eyes had skittered over some weeks ago, but somehow he’d never quite read it. He pulled the Bible out of his bag, settled his glasses on his nose, and thumbed ta’ the page. There it was.

The verse said:

for love is as strong as death,
its fervor unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

And those were the words he needed: “love is as strong as death.” The little notes down below, the ones he’d never been able to read before he got his glasses, said “death pursues us relentlessly, but love has greater power.” And that’s what he was fixin’ on, wasn’t it, that love was stronger than death.

In his nightmare, Jack’d died, and he shivered as he thought how Bill’s fate was maybe meant for Jack, how it mirrored his dream. Jack’d died, and none of Ennis’ love, for love he’d finally realized it to be, could bring him back.

But love had been stronger than death, for the Ennis of his nightmare had lived out the rest of his life in the ashes of that love, true to his love as he never had been in life.

And if love was stronger than death, then it surely was stronger than fear.

The last verse said:

Many waters cannot quench love,
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.

Ennis felt strangely peaceful, though he should be terrified, and at the end of all hope for him and Jack. Jack was comin’ to tell Ennis to leave, but Ennis knew deep inside that Jack still had hope somewhere inside him. Jack was strong, and Jack knew how to hope, it was part of his nature.

Jack’d been beat down by life, by Ennis, and by them murderin’ sons of bitches down to Childress, but Ennis knew Jack. Jack’d said when he met Ennis it was like a hundred rushin’ rivers. Jack’d said all he wanted was Ennis. Even after they’d fought, when Ennis had his nightmare and had come to Childress, Jack’d been willin’ to open the door to hope again.

Ennis was goin’ to hold Jack when he came, and bring him into their house. He’d let him go, as many times and as long as he’d need to, but he wasn’t gonna let him go back to just fishin’ trips, wasn’t gonna let him break it off entire.

Ennis was gonna make sure Jack knew that no waters were goin’ ta’ quench Ennis’ love, no rivers were gonna wash it away.

Sure, they had lots to fear, for there was hate in the world, no doubt. But what was the point o’ livin’ safe if it wasn’t really livin’?

Love was stronger than death, and Ennis was gonna love Jack till he remembered that.

Ennis woke with a gasp, twisted up in the sheets, covered with clammy sweat. Jack was bein’ attacked by a group of men by the side of a road, left for dead in a ditch. He had to get to him, save him before – shit. Ennis sucked in air, gasped it out. Fuck. This time, the nightmare had lingered over Jack’s beating, hadn’t raced ahead to Ennis’ lonely days and nights livin’ in that godforsaken trailer. Hadn’t gotten to the part where he stoked the day with memories of Jack, woke up smilin’ if he had spunk on his sheets.

Shit. Ennis scrubbed his hands over his face, glanced at the clock by the bedside. Four a.m. Good enough, since he knew from experience wasn’t no way he’d be goin’ back to sleep now. Most days he was up by five anyway, latest. He pushed himself up and off the bed, ignorin’ the tracks of tears dried on his face.

He knew well enough why his nightmare was lingerin’ on that beatin’. Despite his strong words, the truth was what’d happened to Jack’s friend – shit, he should be man enough ta’ say his name in his own fuckin’ head – what’d happened to Bill, scared the piss out of him. Somewhere deep inside, felt like he could see every blow, hear every breakin’ sound, feel the desperate gaspin’ to hold onto life.

Earl in that ditch hadn’t left much ta’ the imagination, dick pulled off and whole crotch blackened blood, him n’ K.E. standin’ there, Daddy’s hands strong on their heads, forcin’ them ta’ look at what they could barely understand.

Ennis splashed water on his face, fightin’ the fear as left him strangled. Lookin’ at his face in the harsh light from the bathroom bulb, Ennis saw the toll that waitin’ for Jack was takin’, the toll what’d happened ta’ Bill was takin’. Eyes full o’ fear, fear for himself, fear for Jack, and most of all, fear the dream of him and Jack together wasn’t never goin’ ta’ happen.

It was one thing ta’ read some verse as said some things was stronger than death, but it was another to be the one dyin’, gaspin’ for another breath, just one more and one more after that please god, lyin’ by the side of some lonely road. It was one thing ta’ be strong, but another ta’ be a gay man wantin’ to live with his man in Wyomin’. Even in 1983, you had to be fuckin’ crazy ta’ let anyone know in this neck o’ the woods. Childress, too.

Ennis dried his face on the nice towel Evelyn had picked out, steeled himself for the day. Didn’t do no good ta’ be thinkin’ on all that shit, wasn’t no point. He’d tried ta’ live without Jack, tried and tried, for all them years, and his nightmare had told him what the end result of that’d be. Death for both of ‘em, each in their own way.

Though he wasn’t a superstitious man, Ennis couldn’t help but wonder, in these pre-dawn times, whether Bill had taken the fate meant for Jack. Ennis shivered, cursed, and flipped the light off. There was stock to care for and things needin’ doin’. The work of a ranch didn’t stop for no superstitious nonsense, not for no man weak enough to spend his time thinkin’ on a person who wasn’t there. Time enough for that later.

The whole world seemed to be sufferin’ from the same bad feelin’ as was tryin’ ta’ grab hold of Ennis. John Twist was sourer than ever, not exchangin’ one word with Ennis ‘less it was ta’ complain ‘bout somethin’. Even Evelyn seemed out of sorts, startlin’ Ennis once or twice with a snapped reply to somethin’ he said.

Lisa came for a checkup on the horses, and didn’t speak one single word to him. Usually they talked ‘bout this and that – the gals’ work, maybe a bit ‘bout the local ranch gossip or even sometimes the sea and such. When he asked her, after ‘bout half an hour of them workin’ side by side in silence, whether things was all right, she shot back, “I need quiet to listen to this heartbeat.”

Surly didn’t bother Ennis none, normally, but somethin’ in the curl of Lisa’s shoulders and the tone of her voice had made him wonder. Later, writin’ out some instructions for him on the hood of her truck, her pen slipped and fell in the mucky ground. “Shit. Shit and goddamn.”

Ennis hadn’t never heard her swear like that. He reached the pen before she did and handed it to her in silence. She took it and sighed, scuffed the ground a little before lookin’ up at him. “Sorry.”

Ennis shook his head. “Ain’t hired you ‘cause of yer conversation.”

Her lip quirked. “That I believe. Thing is - .” She looked at the ground again. Ennis looked at the ground too, knowin’ how it felt when you were tryin’ to talk ‘bout somethin’.”

“Thing is, Bonnie’s ex is trying to get full custody, keep her from ever seeing the kids. I don’t have to tell you what it’s doing to her.”

“Thought that was lookin’ up?”

“Yeah, well, he changed his mind.” She was looking at Ennis again now.

“Don’t seem right.”

Lisa snorted. “Yeah, well, life isn’t fair, right? But it’s tearing me up to watch it. There isn’t anything I can do.”

“You’re there, though.” Ennis felt startled. Wasn’t like him ta’ be offerin’ thoughts like that, even to someone who was almost a friend. Was a friend, really.

Lisa looked startled too, eyes a bit wide starin’ at Ennis. She got a little smile pullin’ up on her mouth and nodded again, lookin’ right at him. “Yeah, that I am. Guess it’ll have to do.”

“Yup.” Ennis nodded again, sharper, his eyes pullin’ against his will to where the Twists’ long drive met the Rural Route. He helped Lisa load her equipment back in the truck, and watched it all the way down the drive till it got on the highway, then till it became a speck and disappeared.

The rest of the day, he threw himself even harder into his work than normal, tryin’ to drown out his thoughts and his feelins’ in good hard work. He didn’t stop sweatin’ all day, and his muscles were screamin’ at him that he wasn’t a young man no more to be liftin’ and pushin’ and ridin’ without pause.

He couldn’t help lookin’ out to the road, but forced himself to keep it to once an hour or so, not that he had any belief Jack would come in the daylight, or let his truck be seen by his parents. Clear enough this visit was for one purpose – break it off with Ennis. He figured it’d be late at night before Jack showed up. Whenever it was, though, Ennis would be waitin’.

He tamped down hard on the voice tellin’ him weren’t no way Jack was comin’, weren’t no way he’d come all that way just to say goodbye forever. Jack had sounded different than Ennis had ever heard him – not just bitter, but soul-deep wrong. Ennis twisted the fencin’ wire under his gloved hands a little harder on the thought, then forced himself ta’ move on ta’ the next chore.

The sun was settin’ out beyond the farthest reaches of the ranch, paintin’ the fields and grazin’ lands with yellows and oranges, when Ennis finally let himself trudge up the connectin’ path to the house. He’d begged off supper with Evelyn tonight, and she’d taken one look at his sweat- and grime-covered self and nodded sharp. “Just get yourself some rest, Ennis, don’t work late tonight on nothin’, you hear me?” Ennis had just nodded. “Yes’m. Gonna sit on my porch tonight, watch the world go by.”

“You do that. Here.” Ennis had tried to decline, but she’d shoved a napkin-wrapped bundle of warm sandwiches in his hands, which he carried dutifully up to the house. He wanted a beer so bad he could taste it, but he was afraid of what it might do, on top of the fatigue and heat and worry.

He forced himself to eat a few bites of a sandwich, put the rest in the fridge ‘cause he couldn’t eat for the life of him. He looked ‘round the house, seein’ it with fresh eyes, thinkin’ on Jack bein’ there soon. He’d been so busy, he hadn’t really paid no attention to it once the girls left, and it showed, clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink. Wanderin’ to the bedroom, he surveyed the bed. Had he changed the sheets, ever? He couldn’t remember, but if there ever was a time, this was it. He remembered Evelyn had insisted he buy two sets, so one could be washin’ while the other was – bein’ used. Ennis felt his face grow warm just thinkin’ on it, but he knew it was wrong. He had no business thinkin’ on that kind of thing as upset as Jack was. Besides, Jack was comin’ here to tell Ennis to leave, so there wasn’t much hope of him fallin’ into bed with him, now was there?

Still, Ennis dragged his exhausted body through the motions of strippin’ and makin’ up the bed, clearin’ off the floors, cleanin’ the sink and puttin’ the toothpaste cap on nice. Took a shower, hung up the towel. He caught himself experimentin’ with the lightin’ in the bedroom and swore. Still, he left the one little lamp on as cast a nice warm glow while still leavin’ the room dark enough for sleep. Since no one would know, except him, he stopped on his way out and let himself take in the sight of that big ol’ bed, bought for two, but slept on so lonely by just him.

Finally around ten he fell down onto the sofa to rest a bit. More’n anythin’ in the world, he wanted to be awake to meet Jack when he came. “If he comes” kept pushin’ up in his mind, relentless, but every time, he pushed the thought down hard. After all their history, half a lifetime or more of knowin’ each other, bein’ drawn together time after time, wasn’t possible Jack wouldn’t come. Just wasn’t.

The important thing was to stay awake. Seemed like it should be easy, with all the worries circlin’ ‘round in Ennis’ head. ‘Course, life bein’ the way it was, sleep was tryin’ to overcome him bad. He’d hardly slept last night at all, worryin’ on Jack, and he’d thrown himself hard into work ‘round the ranch today, tryin’ to fend off his thoughts. Ennis closed his eyes for a second, figured maybe just restin’ a brief time would help him stay up.

“Jack?” Ennis woke with a start to a loud crashin’ noise, not sure for a second where he was, mindful even as he said it that it could be dangerous, wakin’ with a man’s name on his lips.

“It’s me!” So it was okay, because it was Jack, though somethin’ sounded funny in his voice.

Another loud crash and Jack’s giggling roused Ennis to full wakin’. What the hell was happenin’? He’d fallen asleep on the sofa waitin’ for Jack, and if his dead-asleep leg was any indication, he’d been asleep for quite some time. Ennis felt sleep sloughin’ off him quick, full of the knowin’ that this was his chance, this was the time when he had ta’ talk sense into Jack. Help him, too, if he’d take it, ‘cause sure enough Jack must be one messed up guy at this point, seein’ what happened to his – friend – down ta’ Texas.

“Ennis!” Jack’s voice, the voice he got when he’d drunk his share of whiskey. But why was he soundin’ like that now, late in the night, after drivin’ all that way?

Ennis didn’t have no more time to wonder before Jack came into the room. Sure enough he had a bottle in his hand, and before he knew it, Jack’d crashed down on the sofa right next to him, long legs sprawled out, body slouched back against the sofa. “Woo-ee, that’s a bitch of a drive.”

Ennis couldn’t do much yet but stare, and next he knew Jack was holdin’ out the bottle. “Here – help yerself.”

Ennis needed coffee bad. Not whiskey. Jack had sure had more’n enough, frightenin’ thought him drivin’ like this. “Jack, you drive like this?”

Jack rolled his eyes. “What’re you, my momma now?”

“Ain’t tryin’ ta’ be yer momma, Jack, but it ain’t right, drivin’ like this.” Ennis kept his voice real calm.

Jack shot him a look. “Not that it’s none of your business, but I’ve been sittin’ in my truck for ‘bout a century drinkin’. Drank on the road, too, though – hadn’t done that for a few years, I’ll tell you.”

Ennis narrowed his eyes. “Cain’t believe you were drinkin’ that rotgut when you was drivin’. Fuck, Jack, it’s ‘bout a thousand miles.”

Jack snorted. “You’re tellin’ me how long a drive it is ‘tween Texas and Wyomin’? Seems ta’ me I’m the expert. You’re a piker, done it one time.” Jack narrowed his yes. “How many times you think I did it, Ennis?”

Ennis kept a grip on his temper, on the guilt, too. “You’re right, Jack. Still, you shouldn’t o’ driven like that.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Yer a fine one ta’ talk ta’ me ‘bout drinkin’, Ennis del Mar. Seems to me I recall many a time you drank me under the table.” Jack got a sly look on his face. “Or under you. Get it?” Jack scooted closer to Ennis. “Get it, Ennis, under you?” He laughed and took another swig.

“Seems ta’ me you need some coffee, Jack.” Ennis moved to get up to set some on to brewin’, but Jack shot out a hand and pushed on Ennis’ leg, then ran the hand on up his thigh. “Come on, Ennis, you know what I need.” Ennis squirmed away from Jack’s hand, hot and heavy on his leg. “Not now, Jack.” Next Ennis knew, Jack had thrown himself across him on the sofa, and was fussin’ with Ennis’ zipper. “Come on.” Ennis batted at Jack’s hands and Jack laughed, a mean sound Ennis’d heard once or twice before. “You ain’t usually this hard ta’ get, Ennis.”

“Now come on, I mean it, Jack,” Ennis said, swallowin’ some bile risin’ up in his throat, feelin’ his anger startin’ ta’ build and tampin’ down on it, hard. This wasn’t the real Jack – the real Jack was twisted up in knots over what’d happened to his friend Bill, and messed up too ‘cause of all them long years of Ennis pushin’ him away. Ennis twisted out of Jack’s grip and stood, headed for the kitchen. “I’m makin’ you some coffee.”

Jack laughed. “Coffee ain’t gonna do nothin’, Ennis,” he called out.

Ennis busied himself in the kitchen, brewin’ it as strong as he could. Next he knew, Jack was lounged up in the doorway, still swiggin’ from the damn bottle. He’d taken his coat off, and Ennis could see clear that Jack’d lost some weight in the belly. His limbs, long as ever, made a picture stretched out in the doorway like that, legs goin’ on forever, and the arm without the bottle stretchin’ up the doorframe. Ennis swallowed and went to get cups, deliberate.

“Ennis.” Jack’s voice was pitched low, the voice that made Ennis’ skin feel on fire. Ennis turned slow toward Jack, cups in hand. Jack’s eyes had that certain look in ‘em, and he looked Ennis up and down, slow. “Don’t want no coffee, Ennis. You know what I want.”

Ennis saw his hands were shakin’ from the coffee sloshin’ over the cups’ rims, but he took a breath and pushed past Jack, back to the livin’ room, brought the cups to the coffee table. “Come on, Jack, just have a little.” Jack sauntered over and eased himself down on the sofa next ta’ Ennis. He set the bottle down on the table and smirked at Ennis, then straddled him in one move, legs over his, hands on either side of Ennis’ shoulders. It reminded Ennis with a sick jolt of longin’ of the way Jack used ta’ fool ‘round like that when they was younger, treatin’ Ennis like his own personal playground. Then Jack ground down onto Ennis, hissed, “Come on, Ennis.”

Ennis felt Jack’s hard length, was shamed to know Jack could feel his own cock, hard through two layers of jeans. He’d been that way since Jack lounged up in the doorway like that, maybe from the minute he woke up knowin’ Jack was there, couldn’t help it, wrong as he knew it was. And now – Jesus – Jack was grindin’ against him again, his hot breath on Ennis’ ear, “Come on, Ennis, want you in me one last time, nobody fucks me like you, yer so hot and - .”

Ennis shoved Jack, hard, hissin’, “Not like this.” Took most of his willpower ta’ do it, but it wasn’t right, this bitter man weren’t his Jack. Jack fell back against the coffee table, laughed, that mean laugh again, and reached his hand toward Ennis’ dick, kneadin’ none too gentle. “Yer dick ain’t exactly objectin’, Ennis.”

Ennis gritted his teeth and grabbed at Jack’s hands, wrenched them off. “Stop it. Just stop it, Jack.”

Jack’s tongue was in his mouth next, hot and reekin’ of whiskey, but all Jack, and Ennis couldn’t help but open to him, though his stomach felt sick and he felt the prick of tears behind his eyes. Jack made a sound deep in his throat when Ennis started kissin’ back, and then they was rockin’ against each other hard, bodies seekin’ each other just like always.

So temptin’ to lose himself in this, wrench at Jack’s clothes and take him hard, like so many times before, the harsh joy of the couplin’ erasin’ all thought. So temptin’, but so wrong. “Wrong.” Ennis pulled away from Jack’s mouth, gasped it out again. “This is wrong, Jack.”

Jack reached for his belt buckle, fumbled to wrench it open, panted, “Never stopped you before.” Ennis grabbed Jack’s wrists, held them hard. “Not what I mean.” Jack just leaned into Ennis’ neck, started suckin’ hard, a suck that turned to a bite when Ennis pushed at him again.

“Stop it, Jack.” Ennis shoved harder, and then Jack was hittin’ Ennis’ shoulders, hard, with his open palms, makin’ Ennis’ head rock back against the sofa, hissin’, “Fucker! We ain’t never said no ta’ each other before. You turned into my wife?”

Ennis felt his temper pushin’ hard against his patience, felt it tryin’ to bubble up, but he shoved it down, just like he’d been shovin’ down his worry all week. “First time fer everythin’, Jack,” he gritted out.

“Fuck you Ennis del Mar,” Jack slurred, hittin’ at Ennis’ shoulders again, hard. It cracked somethin’ in Ennis, him already in the grip of a headache, and now Jack shovin’ him like that. He shoved back, harder this time, and then Jack was takin’ a swing at him, a shitty one since he was still straddlin’ his lap and half drunk, but still, Ennis barely blocked it and it hurt like heck where Jack’d hit his bicep. Then Jack was swingin’ again, sayin’, “Fuck you, fuck you, Ennis del fuckin’ Mar,” and Ennis’ anger rose up hard, Jack fucked up like this ‘cause he’d been fuckin’ that other guy, shouldn’t never have been doin’ that, Jack knew it was wrong. This time Ennis blocked the punch harder, a punch headed for his cheek, then shoved Jack hard, real hard, sayin’, “Stop it Jack, asshole.”

Jack fell back and then down between the sofa and the coffee table, crackin’ his back with a sound Ennis could hear, and then Jack was surgin’ up and then down towards Ennis, this time with better leverage, and one of his vicious hooks was headin’ toward Ennis’ face. Wasn’t no conscious thought as raised his knee, hard, into Jack’s nuts, but it happened, and then Jack was clutchin’ himself and on the floor, cryin’ out in a broken voice, “Oh fuck, oh my god, fuck.” Ennis felt a bolt of shame course through him and shoved the table away, then leveraged himself down next to Jack, said, “Jack, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ta’ hurt you, I didn’t mean it.”

Then Jack rose up with a roar and flipped on top of Ennis, pummeling him with his fists, connectin’ with Ennis’ ribs. He was chantin’, “It’s yer fault, it’s all yer fault.” Ennis heard the words Jack wasn’t speakin’, “coulda had a real good life together,” words he could still hear echoin’ in his head from their last campin’ trip, and even worse, the words “sweet life,” words the young Jack’d said so hopeful. Ennis couldn’t tell the pain inside from the pain outside, it was all the same thing. He raised up his hands on instinct ta’ defend his face, though part of him wished he could just leave it open to be hit, feelin’ he deserved every punch and then some.

Most of Jack’s punches lacked any real strength, him bein’ pretty much drunk, but one finally hit on a rib as had been cracked years ago by that mare o’ his when she spooked, and Ennis curled up in pain.

Next he knew the blows had stopped, and Jack was leanin’ over him, voice with a sob in it now, “Ennis? Ennis? Oh god, Ennis, I hurt you?” Jack’s hands were scrabblin’ at Ennis’ shirt now, like he was tryin’ to look for blood, and Ennis brought his hands up and caught at Jack’s hands. He gasped out, “S’alright, Jack.”

Jack looked at Ennis, really looked for the first time since he’d gotten there, and horror crossed his face. He gasped in a breath. “No. It’s not. Not alright. Ennis.” Jack was gaspin’ hard now, tryin’ for air, wild look in his eye ‘mindin’ Ennis of that mare right after she kicked him in that same rib. Looked like he could bolt at any second. The slightest word wrong, the slightest breath. Spooked. “Ennis, I hurt you!”

Ennis saw the self-hatin’ look cross Jack’s face and held onto Jack’s wrists tighter. “No, Jack, I’m fine.”

“I hurt you.” Jack was fightin’ hard ta’ keep from sobbin’ right then and there, Ennis could see it, and he could see Jack’s pride tellin’ him ta’ run.

“You didn’t hurt me, Jack.” Ennis took a breath, kept his voice gentle. “I hurt you, Jack. I hurt you. All them years.”

Ennis was braced, ready for it when Jack tried to stand up ta’ run. A hard tug back, and Jack was sprawled on top of him, fightin’ ta’ get up, but Ennis had the advantage, and rode it out, till Jack gave up. He let his wrists go then, and wrapped his arms and legs tight ‘round Jack, Jack who was tremblin’ on top of him. Ennis felt the minute when Jack broke, when he remembered and let all of it back into his brain, ‘cause the tremblin’ turned to shakin’, and then he was shakin’ all over so bad it seemed like he’d shake apart. Jack gasped in a breath, and then he buried his face up against Ennis’ neck, gaspin’, not a sob, not cryin’ no tears, just shakin’ with his whole body like his girls when they’d had high fevers, the kind of fevers as brought the doctor by, back in the day.

He didn’t know how long they lay like that, Jack on top of Ennis, held tight in his arms, him murmuring some nonsense or other, but it was a long time. The shakin’ finally turned back to trembles, and then finally to stillness – stillness so complete Ennis wondered if Jack could be asleep, though his heart knew better. He ran his hand soft through Jack’s silky hair again and again, plantin’ kisses on the top of his head, whispered, “It’s alright, Jack. It’s okay.” He didn’t know if he was sayin’ that they’d be okay, or Bill would be okay, or that it was okay Jack had come apart like that, but maybe it was all of it.

“Oh shit.” Jack had been quiet for some time, but he suddenly pushed up to his elbows over Ennis, clutchin’ his head. Jack looked pale in the faint light comin’ into the living room from the lamp Ennis’d left on in the bedroom. Jack’s hand went quick from his forehead to cover his mouth, and he pushed up to a stand real quick and ran toward the bedroom. Ennis recognized that look, and yelled out, “Second door on the right.” Looked like Jack’d cut it too short, though, ‘cause Ennis heard the distinct sound of Jack hittin’ the floor and retchin’ from the hallway.

Jack must o’ drunk even more than Ennis had guessed. They’d always joked that if there was one thing Jack was good at, it was drinkin’, though in recent years Ennis’d wondered a little if they should be jokin’ about it. “Oh shit. Sorry, Ennis.” Jack’s voice, weak-soundin’, from the hall, and then Ennis was there. “S’alright, Jack. You got more in you?”

Jack shook his head, sittin’ up in the hall slumped over himself, and Ennis could tell he was still a little drunk. “Nah. Got it out.” Jack scrabbled weakly for purchase on the floor. “Should be goin’.”

Ennis sighed out a frustrated breath. Figured he didn’t need to say nothin’, ‘cause Jack wasn’t goin’ nowhere right now – he looked like he could barely crawl. “You rest a second and we’ll get you cleaned up.”

Jack laughed, but it still wasn’t a good sound. Ennis looked at the mess in the hall, the mess that was Jack, and had to figure how to do this. First Jack, so he helped him, Jack mumblin’ under his breath all the way. Got him into the bathroom and under the shower, found some pajamas Francie had given him for Christmas one year. He brought Jack to the bedroom, muscled him down into the bed. “Got to go, Ennis, got to get back.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You gotta sober up though, Jack, get some rest too. How long’s it been since you slept, anyway?”

Jack’s voice was muffled against the sheets. “Ain’t been sleepin’ too good. At the hospital a lot. Workin’. Nightmares.” His voice was getting muzzy with sleep, still was a little slurred with drink though. Ennis looked at Jack, there in the bed he’d bought for them, wearin’ his own red pajamas, and his heart squeezed tight. Jack was like a wounded animal right now, skittish and bone-deep fearful. It’d be worse when the drink wore off, most likely.

Ennis’ own heart was like an open wound. Felt like Jack pullin’ away would rip the final cover off it, leave it bare. Jack’s hair was tumbled, dark, on the pillow of the bed, and his body had curled up like a baby. Drunk and asleep, Jack’d lost some of the protective coatin’ the world had given him. That Ennis had given him.

Wasn’t no way to fight the need ta’ curl up with Jack, and he figured weren’t no reason not to, not really. It’d make the partin’ hurt all the more, but he was helpless against it anyway. He cleaned up the hall and bathroom first, threw his clothes and the towels into the washer Evelyn’d helped him pick out, insistin’ it added to the value of the house anyway. He pulled on some shorts and got in the bed, heart poundin’ hard. He’d thought he’d felt the most a man could feel, but he’d been wrong. These were the feelins’ he’d always run from, and now he was lettin’ himself feel ‘em full, not runnin’ when his heart started swellin’ – Jesus, how did people do it? Seemed like people’d been feelin’ these things since them early Bible days or even before. The fear, the joy, all wrapped together in a swirl of feelin’ so strong, felt like he’d never be able to leave Jack’s side. He curled up ginger behind Jack, his body wrappin’ itself without a thought ‘round Jack’s warmth. He didn’t want to sleep, wanted to just keep strokin’ Jack’s hair soft, feel Jack’s hand clasp his like instinct when he burrowed closer.

He stayed awake a long time like that, and when he couldn’t fight sleep any longer, wrapped himself even tighter ‘round Jack. Wasn’t no way Jack could move without him knowin’ it, and he wasn’t lettin’ Jack go before he got him to say Ennis could stay. That was all, that was the important thing. Everythin’ else could wait.

He woke up hearin’ someone groanin’, and it took only a second to remember it must be Jack. Jack was tryin’ to get out of his arms, sayin’ fierce and panicky, “Let me go, let me go.” Ennis tightened his grip, said, “Jack, it’s me,” and he felt Jack stiffen. “Oh, shit.” Jack’s voice sounded like shame. He pushed harder, tryin’ to get out of Ennis’ grip.

He was still a little weak, so Ennis kept him there easy. “Jack, listen ta’ me. I’ll let go, but only if you’ll stay for awhile. Only if you’ll say you’ll stay and talk.” Ennis realized with a sickenin’ jolt ta’ his gut that the faintest tendrils of silver were mixin’ with the lamp’s light, silver from dawn not far off through the curtains.

Jack snorted. “After twenty fuckin’ years, now you want to talk.”

“Yeah. Now I want ta’ talk.” Ennis kept his voice calm again, ‘cause Jack’s body was vibratin’ spook like a scared horse.

Jack stopped strugglin’, and Ennis eased his arms a little. Jack turned ‘round and faced Ennis, with one of them angry, closed-off looks on his face. “Fine. You wanna talk. Go ahead. Talk. Let’s get it over.”

Ennis swallowed. Wasn’t no way to do this ‘cept do it, but it sure was harder, Jack a few inches from him, rather than on some phone line and a thousand miles away. His own pride was tryin’ to swell up, but he shoved it down hard as he could. Jack was doin’ it on purpose, he knew it, tryin’ to push hard on him. Ennis felt himself breathin’ hard. Fish or cut bait. “I wanna - .” Jack’s eyes flashed into him, and Ennis felt shame crawlin’ up his spine. Was he gonna be beggin’ soon? Nearly had been beggin’ Jack on the phone. Is that what Jack wanted, him crawlin’? No words came out.

Jack’s mouth got even tighter. “Yeah, I thought so.” He pushed the covers down, moved to get up.

Ennis sat half up, grabbed Jack’s elbow. The dark outside had already lightened considerable. Soon he’d have to go, tend ta’ the chores. “No, Jack. All I want - .”

Jack stiffened again when Ennis stopped talking. Something snapped in Ennis. “Jesus, Jack, you want me to beg, that it? ‘Cause I think I already did on the phone. I’ll beg you if you want, just let me stay. Ain’t got no pride left anyhow – what difference does it make?”

Ennis saw Jack’s own pride rise up, hard, saw that he had messed it up. His one chance, his last chance, and he’d screwed it up, sure as shit, light mixin’ strong with the dark now at the curtained window, meanin’ the cows would be gettin’ anxious. Jack saw Ennis’ glance to the window, looked back ta’ Ennis, narrowed his eyes. “You thinkin’ on them cows instead of me, Ennis.” It wasn’t a question.

After all the swallowin’ his pride, it was just too much. “Fuck you, Jack.” Ennis pulled the sheets down on his side of the bed. “Only reason I’m thinkin’ of them fuckin’ cows is ‘cause they’re your fuckin’ cows.” He swung his feet down to the cold floor, sickness curlin’ in his gut. He’d be alone now the rest of his sorry life, a sad old man when the time came.

He couldn’t figure out what the sound was when he first heard it. Comin’ from where Jack was on the bed, so he turned to see. A laugh. A real laugh, a Jack Twist laugh.

“Whut?” He couldn’t help but ask, seein’ Jack curled up on a real laugh.

Jack held out his hand like to stop Ennis from leavin’, couldn’t talk he was laughin’ so hard, quiet, almost like his shakin’ last night. Finally, he gasped out, “My fuckin’ cows.”

To his horror, Ennis felt his own mouth quirk up. It wasn’t no time ta’ be laughin’, last time in the world for that.

Jack had tears leakin’ out of his eyes now, was slappin’ the bed. “My fuckin’ cows.”

Helpless in the face of Jack Twist, like he always had been, Ennis felt an answerin’ laugh rise up from deep inside him. Felt so good ta’ see Jack like this, hear a real laugh out o’ him. Jack reached for him with his outstretched hand, drew him in, willin’, to an embrace that was punctuated by them laughin’, Jack slappin’ Ennis’ back a coupla times and chortlin’, “Cows.”

After awhile, Jack drew back a little, storm of laughin’ over, looked into Ennis’ face serious. The old heat snapped hard between them, and Jack’s fingers were on Ennis’ face, his eyes blazin’ into Ennis, suckin’ him down into the blue stormy sea. Ennis felt his body bein’ pulled toward Jack’s, and Jack made a helpless sound as meant he was fallin’ too.

Then Jack said, “Cows,” but serious this time. Light was comin’ through the window. Ennis shut his eyes and felt Jack’s breath on his face, them both hoverin’, lips only inches away. Drawin’ back was like torture, and Jack’s eyes looked half drowned. Ennis whispered, “Fuck the cows,” tide of longing pullin’ on him stronger than it ever had, Jack’s breath almost in his mouth like that.

Jack’s eyes widened, and then crinkled. “You ain’t fuckin’ my cows, Ennis. Not today.”

Ennis’ breath gasped out in somethin’ between a snort and a protest, and he tackled Jack flat onto the bed. Jack was gigglin’ now, soundin’ like his nineteen-year-old self, but Ennis didn’t let up till he was gaspin’ and sayin’, “Uncle, I give.” Ennis was flush on top of Jack now, him warm and willin’ underneath him, and their bodies had started rockin’ against each other without either of ‘em even knowin’ it while they was playin’. Jack pushed up on Ennis though, pushed up and said, “You gotta get to them animals.” Ennis cocked his head at Jack and ground his cock, just a little, right into Jack’s. Jack gasped, and Ennis breathed out, “I ain’t leavin’ ‘less you’ll be here when I get back.”

Jack stilled beneath him, and his eyes skittered away from Ennis’ like sheep sidesteppin’ a herdin’ dog. Ennis said, “Just to talk. Jack, you gotta.”

Jack turned his eyes back to Ennis after a long time silent, nodded short. Ennis gritted his teeth for the willpower ta’ pull his body off of Jack’s, and Jack whispered, “Kiss first?”

Ennis was helpless, shut his eyes against the want, but murmured, “You promise you’ll be here when I get back?” He opened his eyes and looked straight into Jack.

Jack nodded again, firmer this time, murmured back, “I promise,” and against his judgment Ennis lowered his mouth careful and slow onto Jack’s. Instead of a bruisin’ kiss, cocks grindin’, it was soft, soft as a baby’s skin when they came together, all of Ennis’ feelins’ for Jack risin’ up in him so strong, after all the horror of them phone calls, all the strength it’d taken him to get to this point. Jack’s lips were warm, warm and soft, and they pressed together, just sharin’ breath for a space of time, and then Jack opened his lips under him, and Ennis’ tongue was slidin’ into that mouth, taste of Jack surroundin’ him and overwhelmin’ him. His hands went up to cup Jack’s face, stroke on his man’s stubble, his softer moustache. Jack’s tongue answered his, and slid into Ennis’ mouth, and Ennis moaned, wantin’ to possess Jack and surrender ta’ him all at the same time, wantin’ to keep him here, on this bed in their house, the house he’d built for them, forever.

It went on and on, and Ennis tried to say in the kiss all them things that were so hard to say in words, things like first time I met you and all the days since and rest of my life and most of all, I’m sorry. He was on top of Jack, and then he was underneath him, and it didn’t matter – all he wanted was to find Jack and bring him home. Jack was lost, lost to grief and anger and the cruelty of the world, and he needed Ennis to find him, bring him back.

When Jack finally pushed Ennis away, Ennis was lyin’ on top of Jack again. They were both breathin’ hard. Jack was flushed under his hands, which were curled in his dark hair. His eyes were that breathless shade of blue that Ennis remembered from all them years ago – he’d had some crazy thought that the clearest mountain sky had nothin’ on that color. The grey at Jack’s temples and the wrinkles near his eyes made Ennis’ heart well up with feelin’, ta’ see what life had done to Jack, and not done. ‘Cause Jack was there, under all the hurt, and only Ennis could help him find his way back.

Ennis must o’ been gazin’ on Jack like some lovesick puppy, ‘cause Jack raised his hand real tender ta’ brush at Ennis’ hair. He smiled one of them Jack lopsided smiles, said, “If you don’t go tend to the stock now, yer never gonna, ‘cause I’m not gonna let you go.”

“Shit, Jack.” Ennis rolled up and leveraged to sitting. Jack asked, “You want me to come help?” Ennis looked at him, couldn’t tell what he was thinkin’ on. “Thought you didn’t want yer folks knowin’ you was here.”

Jack nodded slow. “Yeah. Still for the best. Ennis - .” Jack held his eyes. “I’m gonna have to go back, you know. Soon. Too many folks countin’ on me.”

Ennis nodded back. “Why don’t ya’ sleep a bit, I’ll wake you up when I get back. We can talk, then you can go.” He swallowed. “Once you say I can stay.”

Jack’s face got tight and sad again. He shook his head. “Don’t think so, Ennis. Meant what I said.”

“We’ll see.” Ennis’ hands’ were shakin’, but he got up to tend the stock. “You sleep.”

Jack burrowed into the blankets and closed his eyes, and Ennis pulled himself out of that room by sheer force of will. He raced through the mornin’ chores, did some of that delegatin’ of longer jobs that Lisa was always on his case about. Thanks ta’ Providence, John Twist was away on some day trip for a new type of seed, so Ennis didn’t even have to grunt to him like he normally did if their paths happened to cross.

When Ennis burst in the door ‘round noon, he had to stop for a second on the sight that met his eyes. ‘Cause there was Jack, settin’ out some bread on the table, ta’ join some ham and mustard and other stuff he’d already put out there. Jack, in their house, surrounded by that lupine blue color on the wall, settin’ out bread like this was just any other day. Ennis felt a little weak, must’ve stumbled a little on the sight, ‘cause Jack looked up sharp at him, but just set the bread down and proceeded on makin’ a sandwich. Ennis joined him, quiet, though he didn’t feel no hunger for food.

They ate in silence, coulda been cardboard for all Ennis knew, then Jack said, “Come here,” and patted a place on that sofa next ta’ him. Ennis sat, watchin’ Jack collect himself, lookin’ on the big picture window at the front o’ the room. Jack got a sudden soft look in his eye, said “you plan that, lookin’ out toward the Sundance like that?”

Ennis nodded. “Thought you’d like lookin’ out toward the Route, too.”

Jack looked at him sharp. “How’d you know I always looked out to the road growin’ up?”

“I - .” And there was his goddamned tongue stoppin’ in his head again. Jack waited, lookin’ at him hard. “I remember most all you ever said ta’ me, Jack.” He blew out some air. “That ain’t no secret no more, is it?”

Jack got warm in his eyes again. “No, I guess it ain’t.” Jack leaned his head back on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. Ennis just waited, wanted to wait as long as it took. After a bit, Jack just started in. “Never seen nothin’ so terrible in my life as what happened ta’ Bill, Ennis.” He opened his eyes, turned his head ta’ look straight into Ennis’ eyes. “Ain’t never gonna see such a thing happen to you. ‘Less we’re movin’ ta’ San Francisco – “ Jack smiled a weak smile at Ennis – “it’s too risky. Even then. Just is.”

“Jack - .” Ennis’ heart felt like someone was actually twistin’ it right there. “They know more what happened now?”

Jack nodded. He leaned his head back on the sofa again, covered his eyes with his hand. “After you came here - .” Jack swallowed, and Ennis wanted ta’ wrap him up in his arms and never let go, held himself back from touchin’ only ‘cause he knew Jack needed to tell this. “I told him I wasn’t seein’ him no more, after you came here. Few weeks later, some rednecks suckered him into somethin’ outside a bar and - .”

Jack raised his head up, and Ennis could see the feelins’ swirlin’ in his eyes. “Somebody called the police on ‘em, but they weren’t in no hurry. He’s doin’ a little better, got some feelin’ back in his legs. His wife - .”

Ennis let himself reach out now, touch Jack gentle on the shoulder. Jack’s voice was close to a whisper. “We’d agreed – we’d stay safe, keep it secret. Neither of us was lookin’ ta’ leave our wives or nothin’ like that. And he knew about you. It was just a way to - .” Jack closed his eyes, put his hand up in that way he had, tryin’ to hold it in. “He wouldn’t never have gone to that bar if I’d kept ta’ the deal. And now, wasn’t bad enough he got beat ‘most to death, his wife found out, found out what he’d been doin’ with that boy, found out why those good ol’ boys almost killed him. We got it kept out of the newspaper, but she knows. Rallied ‘round him, good woman, but gonna divorce him soon’s he’s better. Or soon enough, if he don’t get better. He probably won’t get to see his kids -. He’s got nothin’ now, Ennis, nothin’ and nobody.”

Jack took a shudderin’ breath. “You were right, Ennis. Isn’t no kind of world ta’ be like us in. Isn’t worth it, thought of that happenin’ to a good man like that, or to you. I mean, I’m not stupid. ‘Course I’ve known this shit happens. But I just ain’t gonna wait around for such a thing to destroy you.” Jack swallowed, looked Ennis in the eye. “I couldn’t stand it, Ennis. And I’m tired of fightin’.”

Ennis’ heart twisted again. He’d made Jack tired, tired of fightin’ for time, fightin’ for respect.

Ennis thought on all the times Jack’d had this hurtin’ look in their years together, hurt put there by the same thing, only comin’ through Ennis back then. Can’t, shouldn’t, don’t. Wrong, sin, faggot.

Now, seein’ Jack hurtin’, Ennis felt the same need he always had, to make that hurt less. But now, instead of clampin’ down on his own heart, curlin’ into himself ta’ stop the words from comin’ out, Ennis let go. Let go of shouldn’t, let go of sin, let go of faggot. Wasn’t really that hard, right here and now. All them years, him thinkin’ he wouldn’t be a man any more if he let his feelins’ out, and what good had that done him? It ended up with this, with Jack in pain just like before, twenty years on and the both of them all alone, and a man down in Texas whose life might as well be ended.

He let go of all of it, like he was learnin’ to do, said “Jack” in the voice he’d used with his daughters and his horses, tender and low. He pulled Jack into his arms, held him gentle till he felt him relax. He just rocked him a bit in quiet, tryin’ to let him know from his arms ‘round him and his lips in his hair how he felt.

Jack put his own arms ‘round Ennis after a while, pulled him tight, and they just stayed like that.

After a long time, Ennis said, “I was wrong though, too, Jack. I was right ‘cause the world’s got its share of people willin’ to give hurt to anyone who’s different. But I was wrong - .” Ennis pulled his arms a little tighter. “I was wrong, ‘cause what’s the point, a person don’t have this in their life.”

Ennis whispered, “Just say I can stay. You don’t have ta’ do nothin’. Let me stay.” He pulled back a little, lifted Jack’s head up soft with his hand, waited till Jack was lookin’ into his eyes. “’Less you don’t want me no more.”

Jack closed his eyes, and Ennis thought he was probably tryin’ to find it in himself ta’ say that he didn’t want Ennis no more. Jack’s eyes opened, and he shook his head a little. Ennis bit his lip, and Jack’s eyes lowered to Ennis’ mouth. He raised his eyes back up to Ennis, got a little smile on his face. “You know I always want you. I’ve wanted you from the first time I saw you.”

Their eyes connected, and the world faded away. He felt it, same as always, surge down his spine, the connection between them, electric, and had to close his eyes against the want. When he opened them, Jack’s smile had faded and his eyes had darkened, his pupils fillin’ more space in the blue. Jack’s hand, tremblin’, reached out to Ennis’ lips, traced gentle ‘round his mouth.

“Jack - .” He should fight it, get Jack to agree to let him stay first before - .

Jack breathed, “Ennis,” and curled his other hand ‘round Ennis’ head, slid it back to his neck, brought his lips soft toward Ennis, soft like the kiss from this mornin’, soft like feathers or the fog on Brokeback. Ennis couldn’t think, Jack’s hand raisin’ goosebumps wherever it touched, Jack’s breath ghostin’ on his face. Jack nuzzled his lips against Ennis’, murmured, “Ennis,” again, and Ennis couldn’t help it, he rubbed his lips back on Jack’s, whispered, “Jack,” and then their lips were kissin’, first so soft, then harder, Jack’s hand behind his neck pullin’ him tighter. This time Ennis opened his mouth first, let Jack in, feelin’ the shock when Jack’s tongue slid in like he’d felt it that first time on Brokeback, the shock like tumblers clickin’ in a lock, the shock like rightness.

Ennis brought his own hand, shakin’, ‘round Jack’s head, tightened his fingers in his curls. Felt like they could kiss like this forever, not needin’ nothin’ else.

Then Jack shifted closer and sighed, and the banked fire inside Ennis flared. Jack musta felt it, ‘cause he was on him then, hands cupped on either side of Ennis’ face, leg thrown up and over so he was straddlin’ Ennis like he had last night, but this time it weren’t no bitter stranger, this time it was Jack, his Jack, gaspin’ into his mouth when they pressed against each other through the denim.

Ennis gasped too, fire coursin’ through his veins, fire needin’ a place to run. And why not? Jack was hot and willin’ in his arms, mouth consumin’ him, body surgin’ against his like waves on a shore.

One of Jack’s hands stayed in his hair, holdin’ his mouth tight to him, and the other stroked an electric line down Ennis’ shoulder, down farther to tug on his shirt, pullin’ it free from the waist of his jeans. Ennis jerked when Jack’s hand touched the skin of his stomach, running warm fingers across the skin above his waistband. Jack breathed, “Yeah,” stokin’ the fire higher, and then Ennis’ hands were scrabblin’ at Jack’s shirt, wrenchin’ it up, shakin’ at the buttons.

Jack moaned when Ennis wrenched his mouth away from Jack’s to swipe his tongue over Jack’s nipple, then suck it into his mouth. His hands worked at Ennis’ fly, gettin’ the zipper down and Ennis’ cock into his hand so fast Ennis bit down without thought, and Jack yowled, writhin’ on Ennis’ lap, sayin’, “Fuck.”

Then Jack was leveragin’ up and Ennis blurrily knew he was pushin’ his pants down and away, mouth back on Ennis’, plunderin’ tongue makin’ him crazy with desire. Next thing he knew, Jack’s fingers were in his mouth, Jack whisperin’ fierce, “Suck ‘em,” and Ennis did, both of them moanin’ on the heat of Ennis suckin’ Jack’s fingers like that, Ennis imaginin’ the hard heat of Jack between his lips, the tang of his come in his mouth.

Fuck, he was goin’ ta’ come like this, like he hadn’t since he was young, makin’ out like kids, but he wanted more, he wanted ta’ feel Jack everywhere, surround himself in Jack, be surrounded by him, and - .

Ennis’ eyes, eyes he hadn’t even realized were closed, snapped open on the feel of Jack’s naked ass rubbin’ against his cock, Jack moanin’, “Fuck me, fuck me now Ennis.” Ennis had to bite his lip hard to keep from comin’ right then at the sight, Jack straddlin’ him, pants gone, grabbin’ Ennis hand, suckin’ his fingers hard into his mouth, then bringin’ his spit-covered fingers behind his cock, behind his balls, to -.

“Fuck!” That was Jack, cryin’ out and throwin’ his head back at the touch of Ennis’ fingers, and Ennis craned his head and bit at the hard arch of Jack’s beautiful neck, bit then licked, then bit again as he worked a finger in, and then another.

He panted through the sight, afraid he was goin’ to come from lookin’ at Jack like this, ‘cause if there was a sight under Heaven hotter than Jack Twist archin’ back on his lap, twistin’ down on his fingers, he couldn’t imagine it.

Then Jack was fumblin’ ‘round him blind, lookin’ for somethin’, and he gasped, “Pants.” Ennis took his meanin’ and reached for Jack’s pants on the floor, pullin’ a tube out of the pocket and slickin’ his cock, then his shakin’ fingers. He slid his fingers back and in and Jack whimpered, then whispered, “Oh fuck. Oh, Ennis. Now. Come on.” Jack grabbed Ennis’ cock, risin’ up proud from the undone fly of his jeans, and arched forward to lick at Ennis’ neck, positioning himself and takin’ the first little bit in, then stoppin’ to pant and lick at Ennis’ lips. Ennis was pantin’ himself, fightin’ the instinct as said thrust hard, now, up into heat and light and Jack.

“It’s gonna hurt, Jack, this position,” Ennis managed, somehow clawin’ his way out of his lust fog for a few seconds.

Jack’s grin was blindin’. He said, clear as day, “Best things usually do,” then lowered himself, deliberate, onto Ennis. Ennis’ heart surged at Jack’s words, beatin’ so hard that the feelin’ almost overrode the excruciatin’ pleasure of Jack surroundin’ him. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, helpless with love for Jack like always. ‘Cause that’s what it was, what it always had been. “Jack.” Ennis didn’t care that his voice broke on the name, that his hand was shakin’ when it reached to stroke on Jack’s cheek. “Jack.”

Jack lifted his eyes to Ennis’, and Ennis remembered the days when he couldn’t even look at Jack for fear of the truth it was a man he held, a man he kissed, a man he dreamt of in the dark. That wasn’t him no more, and there was somethin’ he needed to remember, somethin’ he needed to say. He found the breath somehow, said soft and low, lookin’ straight into Jack’s eyes, “Jack, say I can stay.”

“What?” Jack’s face was a picture, lust and longin’, shock and anger.

Ennis thrust, just a little, up into Jack and he moaned, saggin’ his weight down onto his hands braced on Ennis’ shoulders. Ennis lowered his voice to a purr. “Say I can stay.” He thrust again, a little harder, hand comin’ to wrap lightly ‘round Jack’s rock-hard dick.

Jack threw his head back and whined. “Not fair.”

“Life ain’t fair,” Ennis panted, husky, in Jack’s ear.

“Asshole,” Jack said, but it turned into a groan when Ennis jacked him a little harder and thrust again, lickin’ ‘round Jack’s ear at the same time in the way he knew got him every time.

“Just say it, Jack.”

Jack groaned again, but brought his mouth to Ennis’ ear and whispered, “Alright.”

Ennis said, “Alright. You mean it?”

Jack bit Ennis’ ear, hard, gritted out, “I said alright, you fucker. Now move.”

Ennis let go then, let go of the hold he had on rational, let go of the shore, and thrust up, full strength, into Jack, moved his hands to Jack’s hips to guide him down, then up and then down again to match his thrusts. Their mouths were back together, one of Jack’s hands behind Ennis’ head to hold him tight against him there, the other on his own cock, freein’ Ennis to set the rhythm with his hands on Jack’s hips and his own strong body, their old fine rhythm that had begun that time on the mountain and never really stopped ever since.

Time and the world seemed ta’ stutter around him - in to focus on one thing - the hot curl of Jack’s tongue twistin’ in his ear, the slick slide of Jack’s strong thighs over his, or the sweat-damp curl of Jack’s hair in his fingers – then out to a place where time and place and sweat didn’t exist, a place of him and Jack twined together, body and soul, backwards and forwards through the years.

He crashed back into his body when Jack stopped the kiss and put his mouth on Ennis’ ear, pantin’, “Gonna shoot.” Ennis gasped and stiffened inside Jack, crushed Jack to him and came, sobbin’ out his release into Jack’s hair, as Jack’s spunk coated his belly and his chest.

The world around him came filterin’ back slowly. First Jack’s hand, clenched in the collar of his shirt behind his neck, Jack’s breath harsh on his shoulder. Then his own body, coated in sweat and spunk, shirt and pants open but not even off. The sofa, the living room, warm afternoon light makin’ the blue on the walls that much brighter, Jack’s presence here that much more real.

Jack. Ennis brought his hands up ta’ Jack’s head, stroked the hair fallin’ over his own shoulder, whispered, “Jack.” Jack pulled himself up, pulled off o’ Ennis, wincin’ a little, but Ennis made sure his arms didn’t let go of him, pulled him in to lie on top of Ennis best they could.

After a few minutes, Jack stirred, sat up a little, looked Ennis over. “Well, shit. We sure made a mess.”

Ennis smiled, a little shy now. “Sure did.” Jack was flushed, hair a mess, shirt hangin’ down failin’ ta’ cover much. He looked a picture, and Ennis could look all day.

How he felt musta been showin’ in his smile, ‘cause Jack rolled out one of his sweet smiles, rubbed his thumb along Ennis’ cheek. He tipped his head, gave Ennis a look. “Did I actually just agree ta’ you stayin’?”

Ennis felt his own smile almost crackin’ his face. “You surely did.”

Jack snorted. “Never thought I’d see the day when Ennis del fuckin’ Mar made such a deal. Next there’ll be pigs flyin’.”

“I’d believe almost anythin’ right now, Jack,” Ennis said, shakin’ his head. He was a mess, come splattered all up and down, clothes half hangin’ off, and Jack – Jack looked like he’d just had sex on a sofa. “Ya’ wanna get cleaned up, Jack?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah. Sounds good. Come with?” His eyes were shiny bright, clearer than they’d been since he’d gotten there.

“You bet.” Ennis gathered himself to get up, felt Jack starin’ at him. “Whut?”

“Nothin’.” Jack shook his head, held out a hand to Ennis to help him up. “Just never thought I’d see the day.”

Ennis wrenched himself to standin’, didn’t let go of Jack’s hand, pulled Jack in close with a tug. “Believe it, Jack. Next thing is gettin’ your ass up here for good.” His hand came ‘round the ass in question, gave a suggestive tug.

Jack laughed. “You gonna use the same technique ta’ get me to say yes to that?” He raised an eyebrow, eyein’ Ennis’ unzipped pants and open shirt, the splatters on his torso. Ennis felt his own smile grow teasin’, felt his dick, incredibly, stir a little, and he tugged Jack closer, rubbed them together. “Just might.”

“Mmm.” Jack leaned in and kissed him, not the soft kisses of earlier, or the hungry kisses of a few minutes ago, but somethin’ in between. “C’mon.”

This time Ennis knew what to do in a shower with Jack, and he did all he could to bring a smile ta’ his face, diggin’ his fingers in hard ta’ the tense muscles of his back, rubbin’ shampoo gentle through his hair, lickin’ into his ear sudden.

When he pulled back, he glanced toward the windows. Still afternoon, but the light was gettin’ that tinge as said the sun was headin’ down, not up. When their eyes met, Ennis said, “I’m gonna have ta’ put the place down for the night, takes a coupla hours.” Jack nodded. “I know.”

“Stay tonight, Jack. Get some rest. You need it. Ain’t safe ta’ be drivin’ tonight. Leave first light.” Ennis put all the strength of his conviction, all his love, behind the words.

Jack’s eyes got that haunted look back, and he stared out the window toward the road in the distance. “Lot o’ people dependin’ on me right now.” He looked back at Ennis, nodded.

“You got anything I can make for supper?”

Ennis smiled. “You stayin’?”

Jack stretchd, yawned and sighed. “I’ll never hear the end of it if I go now.”

Ennis could feel his smile tryin’ to reach his eyes. “That’s right. You gotta stay tonight, no other choice.”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, well, go off and take care o’ my livestock.” Jack looked out the side windows down to his folks’ place. “Wish I could see my momma.” His voice got wistful.

“Maybe you should, Jack.” Ennis longed ta’ pull Jack into his arms, soothe the worry lines formin’ on his forehad again. “She misses you bad.”

“I know.” Jack let the curtain drop, pressed his lips together, shook his head. “I just can’t. I can’t be gone no longer. Want to spend tonight here. Don’t wanna see my daddy. Ennis - .”

“Yeah?” Ennis had his gloves on, hand on the door.

Jack shook his head. “Never mind.”

Ennis stared at him hard. Jack seemed better’n he had before, but still weighed down in a way as made Ennis sorry. Were the lines on his face new, or had they been there a long time, put there by Ennis?

Some of his feelin’ musta been showin’ on his face, ‘cause Jack cracked a little smile at him. “Go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

Ennis decided ta’ drive down ta’ the barn to save that bit o’ time, raced through the motions of overseein’ the place. Charlie looked at him funny when he started ta’ give the wrong medicine ta’ the wrong animal. “Here. Let me do that.” Ennis nodded.

“Say, Ennis?”

“Yeah.” Ennis was mentally tickin’ off jobs, picturin’ Jack in the house, their house, waitin’ for him.

“Can I take a coupla days in October? Second week?”

Ennis answered without thought. “Sure.”

Somethin’ ‘bout Charlie’s quiet made him focus in for a second. A little smile was dartin’ ‘round his mouth.

“Whut?”

Charlie’s smile went to a grin. “Someone I met’s gonna be back down ta’ Laramie, that’s all.”

“Oh really?” Charlie’s grin was catchin’, tonight.

“Yeah really.”

“How old? Where from?”

Charlie blushed and looked hard at the medicine in his hand. “Twenty-four. California. Feedlot manager.”

Ennis’ eyebrows raised. “Treat you right?”

Charlie’s eyes looked like Jack’s had on Brokeback, when he thought Ennis wasn’t lookin’. Ennis’ heart wrenched.

“Yeah. Real good.” Charlie’s eyes were full of hope, not beaten down by the world.

“Yeah, well, you be careful, hear?”

“So I can?”

“’Course.” Ennis sighed, fought the ridiculous notion of wantin’ to meet this Mr. Perfect as was seducin’ this young boy with fancy California talk. Charlie was almost nineteen years old – old as him and Jack’d been. And at twenty-four, age of this California guy, Jack n’ him’d both been married with kids, longin’ on each other.

Ennis pushed the remainin’ doses into Charlie’s hands. “Here, you finish.”

“Alright.” Ennis saw Charlie lookin’ at him funny but didn’t care. He needed to get to Jack. Shouldn’t have let anything pull him away from him. Nothin’, never.

The drive back up ta’ the house was a blur. He couldn’t see Jack’s truck, and the panic sparked higher. Not gone, just had hid it well, right? Not gone, not after all this time, Ennis finally welcomin’ him like he shoulda all them other times?

He was breathin’ hard when he shoved open the front door, weight of all their partings sittin’ on his chest hard. Fuck, if Jack had left, drivin’ back in the lonely night - .

And there was Jack, puttin’ burgers on the table, lookin’ all fresh from another shower, hair curlin’ damp ‘round those eyes as matched the walls.

“Ennis?” Natural as anything, Jack lookin’ at him with a question, quiet and calm here in their house.

Their eyes caught across the room and held, and the tremblin’ of the spatula in Jack’s hand hit him hard, evidence it wasn’t just him as felt the connection, same as always, stretchin’ taut between them. He remembered Jack tremblin’ in the entry of the shitty walk-up over the Laundromat all them years ago, when they’d seen each other for the first time in four years. The tremblin’ had made the floorboards shake, and Ennis had barely been able to hold his hands away from touchin’ Jack.

The passion Ennis kept locked down threatened ta’ overwhelm him, wave of desire ‘most knockin’ him on his knees. And there wasn’t no one there ta’ say no, no one to say sin, least of all Jack, who was lookin’ at Ennis with that helpless, drowned expression that always wrenched somethin’ even tighter inside Ennis.

And then he was across the room, knockin’ Jack back against the dinin’ area wall, tongue in his mouth, hands clenched behind his head, Jack givin’ it all back ta’ him just as fierce, spatula droppin’ with a clatter, one hand clenchin’ back behind Ennis’ head, the other runnin’ up ta’ his shoulder, then down his back.

Ennis wanted Jack in his mouth, desire a hammer blow, knockin’ him away from Jack’s mouth, Jack gaspin’ and tryin’ to follow his mouth. Ennis pushed his shoulders back against the wall, hard, and Jack had a confused look, drenched with desire. Ennis growled, “Stay here,” fell to his knees, wrenchin’ Jack’s belt open ta’ the sound of him gaspin’, “Son of a bitch.”

Ennis had him open and out and in his mouth in seconds. Fuck, how could he have not seen, all them years, how doin’ this made him hard as a rock, melted his bones down ta’ liquid, telescoped his world to the hard weight, the soft slide, of his man in his mouth. And bein’ on his knees, tongue wrapped ‘round Jack’s hard hot cock, hands wrapped ‘round Jack’s ass ta’ pull him farther in – should be shameful, kneelin’ like that, dirty, weak, but fuck it wasn’t, it was power, Jack makin’ whimperin sounds, tense from holdin’ back against his body’s desire ta’ pump.

And Ennis wanted it, wanted Jack shovin’ hard into his mouth, pulled off ta’ gasp, “do it, Jack, want it.” Jack groaned and let his hips thrust forward and Ennis opened up, relaxin’, and yeah, that was it, takin’ Jack so deep, feelin’ every shudder as ran through him like it was his own. And it was, ‘cause he was almost spillin’ right now from the fierce hotness of it, the fierce rightness of him and Jack.

Jack stilled and gasped, “fuck!” and was shootin’ down Ennis’ throat, shudderin’ under Ennis’ mouth, milkin’ him for every drop. “Holy fuck!” Jack could hardly talk, pantin’ the words between harsh breaths.

Then Jack’s hands were in Ennis’ hair, gentle now, pressin’ a little, and Ennis realized it might not feel so good no more ta’ Jack, that bein’ the way of it. He eased off, and for a moment felt a bit of shame wash through him. On his knees, man’s dick in his mouth – and likin’ it. Lovin’ it.

“Ennis.” Jack’s voice was a summer breeze, gentlin’ the last mornin’ fog off the peaks. He was slidin’ down the wall now, then kissin’ Ennis tender and hot. Taste of his come was in Ennis’ mouth, but Jack was kissin’ him hard, murmurin’, “Ennis, Ennis,” in his old way.

Jack was fumblin’ for Ennis’ belt then, but he pushed his hands away. “No.”

“But you ain’t - .” Jack’s face was puzzled.

“Wanna - .” Ennis blew out a breath, saw it rustle the curls ‘round Jack’s cheek. He shook his head. “Don’t know why. Just – just wanted to do that. Just that.” Ennis felt the heat on his cheeks. “Let me.”

Jack cupped his hand ‘round Ennis’ cheek, looked at him for a minute, searchin’. “Okay. Think I understand.” Then he kissed Ennis again, this time all tender, hands strokin’ soft on Ennis’ head.

Somethin’ soft and strong was wrappin’ itself ‘round Ennis’ heart, and the hush of twilight was wrappin’ ‘round the house. A calm strong quiet felt like it was fillin’ his veins, fillin’ the empty prairie inside.

“Ennis.” His name, soft and tender. Jack’s eyes were burnin’, filled with the same thing as had been shinin’ there for twenty years. Jack’s hand under his chin tipped his face up so he was lookin’ straight into his eyes. “I -.”

Ennis’ heart squeezed. The quiet was a river, a mountain river to the sea, carryin’ him to a new place.

Jack whispered, “I love you, Ennis del Mar.”

Ennis had to close his eyes against the feelin’ risin’ up in him, spring breedin’ flowers up out o’ the cold ground. Wasn’t nothin’ he hadn’t known, but to hear the words – his eyes stung and he didn’t care.

He opened his eyes, and opened his mouth ta’ say - . But Jack’s finger was on his mouth, and he whispered, “Let me. Owed ya’ that for awhile.” Ennis smiled, though there was tears standin’ in his eyes.

A blow job for words like that didn’t seem no kind of trade, but maybe Jack’d heard the words behind the action, like he always had.

Jack matched the smile and Ennis thought it was a good thing he didn’t have to be around no people tonight. His face was probably worse than lovesick Charlie earlier today. Had anyone but his girls when they was little ever said that ta’ Ennis? His momma, maybe, when he was a baby?

“Jack.” Ennis rubbed his thumb on Jack’s cheek, let his voice carry all the feelin’ he had for him, feelin’ surgin’ up and around and through him, a whirlpool in the desert, pullin’ him in and he wasn’t resistin’.

“Well. Food’s probably cold.” Jack fumbled at his pants.

“Yeah.” Ennis stood, shakily, held a hand down ta’ Jack. Jack surged up and staggered, probably exaggeratin’ a little. “Don’t think I can stand after that. Best blow job of my life.”

The grin and leer he flashed Ennis was catchin’. Reminded Ennis of Jack years ago. His answerin’ grin felt new, and Jack’s eyes were warm.

When they’d loaded their plates, Ennis said, “C’mere,” and took Jack ta’ the little porch behind the house, facin’ west. There wasn’t more’n a tiny line of pink left on the far horizon, but it outlined the distant plateau. The stars was comin’ out strong now, with no moon, and it coulda been Brokeback, the sky was so close.

Jack’s words were fillin’ Ennis with a strong, sharp peace, a peace that matched the close, starry heavens. Maybe here, in the dark, they could have some more of that truth it seemed like they was both tryin’ for these days. “I want ya’ to move here, Jack.”

Jack sighed and looked up at the stars. “Agreed to let you stay. Not ta’ me comin’ here.” He turned toward Ennis. “I haven’t touched no one else this whole time.”

Ennis nodded. “Ain’t that.”

There was quiet for awhile, then Jack said, “Remember I told you I told Lureen I wanted ta’ split?”

“Um hm.”

“Glad I did it then, ‘cause it was before this whole thing with Bill came out.”

“I’ve been worried ‘bout that. They connect you?”

Jack shifted in his chair, took a swig of the beer Ennis handed him. “Nah. But Lureen – think she knows. Think she’s suspected ‘bout the damn fishin’ trips for awhile.”

“She gonna make it hard on you?”

Jack shook his head. “Nah. She’s not that way. Ennis - .”

“Yeah, bud?”

Jack’s voice was quiet. “You ever feel bad, marryin’ Alma, takin’ them years from her?”

Ennis swallowed, the guilt risin’ up ta’ choke. “All the time. Got the girls, though, so - .”

“Yeah.” Jack shifted again. “Think Bobby’s startin’ ta’ come out of the teenage phase, start talkin’ to me a little.”

“He don’t know.” Ennis kept his voice real quiet.

Jack swallowed some beer. “Nah. ‘Bout the last thing on earth a boy that age wants ta’ be thinkin’ on.”

“I’m worried ‘bout you down there, Jack.”

“Yeah, well, no good ol’ boys are comin’ for me.” He grimaced, focusin’ on pullin’ the label off the beer bottle. “The locals – even they think it went a little far. No one’s gonna be messin’ with no one for awhile down there. Here, though - .” Jack finally looked at Ennis. “Here, ‘bound ta’ happen sooner or later if two guys shack up.”

“Risk I’m willin’ ta’ take.” Ennis was amazed, him meanin’ it with every fiber of his bein’.

Jack laughed, the bitter one again. “Well, I’m not. What about Earl in that ditch, Ennis, huh?”

Ennis kept his voice low, but faced Jack. He swallowed. “You know, my daddy showed me Earl in a ditch. He didn’t show me the years they had together, Jack – all them years. A few minutes up against all them years – he mighta chose it himself – probably woulda.”

Jack shook his head. “You sayin’ that’d be worth it – tortured, drug ‘round like that?”

Ennis looked at the stars, then back to Jack. “They mighta had a sweet life. All them years.”

Ennis saw Jack’s mouth quirk in the starlight. “They mighta fought every day and hated each others’ guts, too.”

Ennis punched Jack’s shoulder. “I’m serious, Jack.”

Jack pursed his lips. “Yeah, I know. But, Ennis, what’s to say it’d work out? You wanna guarantee it? We ain’t never been together more’n ten days at a time in twenty years. I can be a real pain in the ass.”

Ennis snorted. “Tell me somethin’ I don’t already know.”

“Fuck you.” They chuckled together like the friends they was, but Jack got serious again, said, “So, can you? Guarantee it?”

Ennis grimaced. “Can’t.”

Jack raised an eyebrow.

“Can’t guarantee how it’ll be. Think I know. But can only guarantee I’ll be here, ‘less you tell me ta’ go.”

Jack sighed. “You know, Ennis, I spent a good part of my life wantin’ nothin’ but that.” He snorted. “That boy I was – he woulda left everythin’ behind, followed you to hell and back, wouldn’t o’ cared the people he left behind.”

Ennis felt the damn tears wellin’ up again, god damnit. “I know, Jack. I’m sor -.”

“Don’t want no more apologies.” Jack’s voice was hard again. “Not my point. Point is, I’m a different man than I was then. Cain’t just run off and leave my family like this. Bobby needs me, gonna be hard for him, me’n Lureen splittin’ up. Even Bill.” He looked at Ennis. “It’s not that - .”

Ennis’ hand shot to Jack’s arm, and Jack turned to look at him. “I know what it’s not. I know I killed the boy you was, Jack. I want the man you are now. However long it takes.”

Jack’s hand hovered, then came down on Ennis’, wrapped around so their fingers were laced. He brought Ennis’ hand to his mouth, kissed it, said, “Let’s go to bed. We both have long days tomorrow.”

They cleaned up in silence, silence like old friends or long-time lovers, then brushed their teeth together, Jack shovin’ Ennis out of the way so he could see better and Ennis shovin’ him back, knowin’ Jack was tryin’ to lighten the mood. Damned if it didn’t feel like one of their last nights, all them last nights from all their trips over all them years.

When Ennis walked in the bedroom, Jack was on him, shovin’ him down on the bed and workin’ on his shirt buttons. When Ennis moved ta’ help, Jack swatted his hands away, said, “Let me, my turn,” so Ennis let him.

The little lamp he’d turned on before Jack came was still on, castin’ a nice glow ‘cross the bed, and Jack looked nineteen again in the golden light, nineteen and smilin’ like he was openin’ the finest package Christmas could give him.

Ennis was struck dumb like he’d been all them years ago. Jack was openin’ his buttons and lickin’ down his skin as he got them open, pausin’ to mouth the scars as marked time passin’ by. That one, under his arm, from a baler when he was ten. That one, on his chest, from the mare he’n Alma’d had. And another, new, from the damn fence wire, Jack spendin’ most of his time on it, layin’ his tongue flat on it, then flickin’ ‘round the edges. Mappin’ the toll of years on Ennis’ body, the scars as matched the ones inside that only Jack knew of.

By the time Jack’s tongue painted a stripe along the vein in his dick, Ennis was archin’ into that mouth, flyin’ through some mountain’s sky. He threaded his fingers soft through Jack’s hair, wantin’ to connect, touch, as many places as they could.

After a little time, heat buildin’ fast in his belly, Ennis gasped out, “Jack,” scrabbled to pull him up, wantin’ to see, wantin’ Jack to see. Jack looked at him strange, tryin’ ta get his cock back in his mouth, and Ennis gasped out, “Up here. Want you up here.”

Jack came up into his arms like quicksilver and they were kissin’, Ennis wrappin’ him like the precious gift he was, wantin’ all their skin touchin’. Jack whispered, “What d’you want?” into Ennis’ mouth, and Ennis said, “Anythin’, anythin’ Jack,” wrappin’ his hand ‘round Jack, matchin’ the movement of his hand to the movement of his tongue in Jack’s mouth.

“Me, too,” Jack breathed. “Anything,” wrappin’ his fist ‘round Ennis’ cock.

“Want to see you,” Ennis whispered, and Jack whispered, “Like this then,” cuppin’ Ennis’ face and starin’ into his eyes, pushin’ his dick hard into Ennis. Ennis gasped and thrust back, shiverin’ at Jack’s shudder.

Then they was kissin’, tongues dancin’ in each others’ mouths, and Ennis wrapped his hand ‘round both their dicks ta’ make ‘em press together better. Ennis gasped again when Jack’s hand joined his in the heated slide. Their legs was tanglin’ together like their mouths, and the heat was gatherin’ in his belly.

Jack moaned and pulled back, whispered harsh, “Lookin’ at each other.”

Ennis’ eyes flew open, ‘cause he knew that was Jack’s soul callin’ out to his. He was lookin’ straight into Jack’s eyes, and he’d be damned if he’d stop. He whispered back, “Yes,” and Jack shuddered again, beautiful in Ennis’ arms.

The shudderin’ was in Ennis now, too, and Jack’s eyes were dark coals. A surge of tenderness flooded Ennis, seein’ Jack layin’ himself open like this, trustin’ despite everything. The tenderness mixed with the heat in his belly and shoved him to the brink. “Jack, I’m gonna - . Jack, now.”

Jack smiled, shuddered one last time and came, the same moment as Ennis. They stared into each others’ eyes for the infinite moment, and then they was kissin’ again, and as far as Ennis was concerned, they could kiss like this forever, their come coatin’ their interlaced fingers, their hearts beatin’ fast together, their mouths joined.

But the kisses eventually slowed, then stopped, turnin’ to breathin’ in time. Jack whispered, “I wanna find out about the girls, my momma, the spread, but - .” Jack’s eyelids were flutterin’ closed, and Ennis murmured, “Sleep, Jack.”

Ennis meant to get up, do some paperwork, but he was more tired than he thought, and his own lids kept closin’. And really, what could be more important than this, lyin’ with his man, keepin’ him safe in the night.

He woke to the sound of Jack pullin’ on clothes and boots, faint silver from the windows showin’ dawn was comin’ soon. He reached out to where Jack was sittin’ on the side of the bed a little hunched, put his hand on Jack’s back ta’ feel the livin’ warmth under the shirt. Jack stiffened, then relaxed under his hand. He sighed. “I gotta go. I’ll come back ta’ visit soon’s I can.”

Ennis’d known this was comin’, but knowin’ didn’t make it easier. He cleared his throat. “You do that. And stay safe down there.”

Jack nodded, back still ta’ Ennis, then turned to look at him over his shoulder. “Can we just say goodbye here? I can’t - .” He pressed his lips together.

Ennis nodded, moved his hand up to Jack’s shoulder to pull him toward him. Their mouths touched, a gentle kiss, and Ennis closed his eyes to try to keep the loneliness at bay for another minute.

Jack pulled off and got up, silent, and this was harder than all them times after all them trips, ‘cause Jack’d been here and his, and now he was leavin’ again.

Ennis saw Jack pause, silhouetted in the doorway, hand on the frame. “Don’t give up on me, Ennis.” His voice was the barest murmur.

All the lessons of these many months rose up in Ennis, filled him with calm strength. “Never, Jack.” The certainty in his voice surprised him. Musta surprised Jack, too, ‘cause he turned and shot Ennis one of them blindin’ smiles. He started to say somethin’, stopped, then said, “I love this house.” He took a step, shot back over his shoulder, “Especially the bed.”

Ennis heard his laughter follow him down the hall and into the living room. Heard Jack bitchin’ on out the front door ‘bout fuckin’ freezin’ campin’ trips and hard ground. It felt like that bitchin’, and his own answerin’ laughter, was soakin’ into the walls and floors, tryin’ to make this house a home.

The days after Jack left was hard, him hurtin’ like he always had when they was parted. But there was a new warmth inside him, too, from hearin’ them words from Jack, knowin’ what it’d cost Jack to say ‘em after so many years.

Time flew now, September fillin’ his days with harvest, winterin’, all the jobs as needed ta’ be done before the harsh winter hit. The girls would be comin’ again in a coupla weeks for their Break, so Ennis worked doubly hard so he’d have time when they was here.

He caught himself time and again driftin’ off in his thoughts, kept wrenchin’ himself back. He was worried, bone-deep, about Jack. He’d called ta’ say he was back safe, workin’ out details with Lureen. He’d swore there wasn’t no danger to him, but Ennis couldn’t help but feel a cold pall of dread thinkin’ of him down there, all alone, shuttlin’ between Bill and home and work.

And Jack still sounded – tired. He tried ta’ sound fine, but Ennis could hear the exhaustion, the sadness, the lingerin’ bitterness, behind Jack’s voice. Most of all, Jack sounded alone.

Jack didn’t want ta’ talk ‘bout movin’ to Lightnin’ Flat, so Ennis didn’t push it. But shit, Ennis kept wakin’ in the night, pantin’, tears from his nightmare dryin’ on his face. And now Jack wasn’t killed, but locked in some kinda room, all alone. Days and nights and days of loneliness, Jack turnin’ old before Ennis’ eyes in the dream. Jack’s eyes were like pits, and he cried every day, cried every night, soul-deep alone.

Why the fuck hadn’t the damn nightmares stopped? Hadn’t he done everythin’ he could ta’ bring Jack here? Hadn’t he done and said things as would shame him if he thought too long on them, to try ta’ bring Jack home?

“Ennis?” Lisa’s voice, cuttin’ into his thoughts. “Ennis, where have you been? I’ve asked you the same question three times.”

He took a harsh breath. They was in the barn, attendin’ to a sick heifer. “Sorry.” His voice came out strangled.

Lisa looked at Ennis, searchin’. “What’s wrong?”

Ennis looked at his feet, scuffed in the hay. “Jack. He - .”

Lisa sighed. “Is he in trouble?”

The last thing Ennis ever thought he’d be doin’ was sharin’ his own personal business with some woman, but Lisa’d shared stuff with him, and she wasn’t no one ta’ bring it back on him if he talked a little. “Not exactly. But he’s pretty messed up. I don’t know what to do to help him.”

Lisa reached into that heifer, felt ‘round, moved her strong hands deep inside that cow. “What helped you?”

“Whut?” Ennis stared at her.

“What helped you? What helped you when you were hurting so bad?”

Ennis took a deep breath ta’ stop the well of feelin’ from breakin’ out. When he’d first come here, he’d been hurtin’, hurtin’ a lot, needin’ strength, and them girls had given him somethin’ powerful ta’ help. Maybe he did know what to do after all. He nodded slow. “Thank you.” His voice was gruff.

She nodded. She was real good at hearin’ unspoken words, a blessin’ in a friend and that was the truth.

That night, Ennis let himself sit, sit with no other reason than ta’ think. He was on the back porch, the chill in the night air remindin’ him that autumn was here. The stars was out again, sendin’ their light ‘cross millions of miles. Moon wasn’t due to rise for another few hours.

They said when you looked at the stars, you was lookin’ back in time, strange as that thought was. But the world was strange, and not everything could be explained in a way that made rational sense.

Maybe what happened to people was the same – mysterious. But maybe there was times, special times, when you had the power to change fate. But if you didn’t, if you didn’t seize them moments, fate would grab hold and drag you, inexorable, toward a finish. What if there was a time when it wouldn’t do no good to want to rewrite the past, no good to say sorry? What if some fates was so powerful, it’d take somethin’ big ta’ change them, move things out o’ their path just the fraction needed? And if you waited too long, hesitated at the critical time, your path was laid out in front of you, certain as death.

Seemed like superstition, but Ennis felt it somewhere deep in his bones; he’d used up all his chances, save maybe this one last one. He thought of Jack and the way he’d looked most of the time he’d been here - exhausted, sad, bitter. But Jack was still there underneath – he’d seen it, he’d felt it. Same laughin’ boy as’d made his head swim all them years ago.

Ennis’d never been a man ta’ fight the world, never been a man ta’ fight his fate. Always let things happen ta’ him. But it didn’t take no high school education ta’ see his nightmares were a warning. The last one. Some things was worth fightin’ for. Some moments shouldn’t be squandered. Some things shouldn’t be stood, but fought against.

He pulled the verses out of his pocket – them verses that spoke of lovers and yearnin’ hearts, them verses as had seen him through so much. Jack’d probably laugh, seein’ Ennis del Mar brought to this, havin’ such a girlish thing ta’ give. His heart pounded, thinkin’ on what it would mean should Jack Twist come to know Ennis’ most secret heart. The shame of it, him carryin’ around a poem like somebody who was weak.

But really, Jack’d seen through to his heart twenty years ago, hadn’t he? Wouldn’t exactly be news ta’ him to see clear how Ennis thought on him. He’d already said the word love, once when Jack probably could hardly hear it, not straight out exactly, but still, he’d said it, back in that cabin in Texas. And once on the phone direct as day, right here in Lightnin’ Flat. Jack knew – and he’d probably always known. So if this scrap of paper, stained from Ennis’ hand, wrinkled from his pocket, could make a difference? Give Jack back a little of the gifts he’d given Ennis? Then shame didn’t have no place in the equation, ‘cause Jack was at stake.

Ennis closed his eyes, thought of the gifts Jack’d given him over the years – laughter and friendship, passion and flowers.

He had the verses memorized now, but he opened his eyes and looked at the paper in the dim light coming to the porch through the slidin’ window. He could still see the words clear, though the paper was wrinkled and stained. He couldn’t help it; he read the first part ta’ himself again.

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I
sought him, but I found him not.

I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets,
and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul
loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.

The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I
said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?

It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found
him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let
him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house,
and into the chamber of her that conceived me.

Ennis shivered, pushed up sudden from the chair, went inside and wrote an envelope with the post office box address Jack’d told him about, the one no one else used. He folded them verses and put them in the envelope, found a stamp. The clock over the mantel said eleven at night, but he grabbed his keys, drove ta’ the little postal station in Lightnin’ Flat.

He stood by the mail slot, envelope in hand. Jack knew already, knew how Ennis felt on him. But sharin’ these fancy words, words about souls? Scared Ennis ta’ death. He was gay and he was sendin’ fuckin’ poetry ta’ his man. Poetry that talked of souls lovin’. Ennis’ soul lovin’ Jack’s. Holy fuck, it made him sick. But sick like the terror of breakin’ a stallion bred for power. Sick like the joy as sung through your veins when the horse under you galloped free. Sick like the time on Brokeback, all them years ago, when he’d gone into the tent ta’ Jack, hat in hand, offerin’ his body and, it turned out, his soul, too.

Ennis took a breath, and put the envelope through the slot, just like he’d put them postcards through mail slots for twenty years. Just like Jack had sent that first card, reachin’ out ta’ Ennis over four years’ time and a thousand miles.

He was still lookin’ for Jack, lookin’ to bring him home, and if it could make a difference, him sendin’ love words through the U.S. fuckin’ Postal Service, then that was what he was gonna do.

Ennis shifted quietly in his seat, tryin’ not to make any noise. Clock on the wall showed there was still twenty minutes left, and his leg was almost asleep. That was what he got, he guessed, for bein’ such a damn fool. Fool on all counts, that’s sure how he felt right now.

Least Bonnie hadn’t lied ‘bout this place. Matt, who he’d met at the class break, was older’n him by a long shot, a retired long-haul trucker almost finished with a six-year plan ta’ finish his G.E.D. Jenny, sittin’ next ta’ him and scrawlin’ notes real fast off the teacher’s talk, was a mom ‘bout Ennis’s age, just startin’ out trying to make up for leavin’ high school after sophomore. Some of the people in the desks surroundin’ him were kids, sure, but lots of folks was older, too.

Still, he felt like a damn fool, sittin’ in one of them desks like they had at schools, ‘cause Crook Community College didn’t have no real buildin’ in Gillette, just took some space from the high school, nights. He remembered these damn desks, not bein’ able ta’ get comfortable even when he was a freshman at Riverton High, his knees hittin’ on the desk bottom, his ass too scrawny to sit comfortable in the hard seats. Hadn’t been too comfortable, neither, with them teachers and students, feelin’ like their eyes was always on him, thinkin’ he was stupid, what was he doin’ there, should be out workin’ in the dirt or worse.

This place did seem different from regular high school, he had to admit that, with the teacher a nice lady as made things real clear, and seemed ta’ value the opinions of the folks in the class. ‘Course Ennis hadn’t said nothin’, comin’ in at the last minute like that, hardly knowin’ what the class even was, not that he planned on ever sayin’ anything, regardless.

Seemed most of the class had already read a ways into the first book they was readin’, To Kill A Mockingbird, but the teacher hadn’t batted an eye when he came in at the last minute, just said he could read double for next time. Apparently, from what he gathered, the book unfortunately didn’t have nothin’ much to do with shootin’ birds, but was somethin’ ‘bout black folks in the South. At any rate, ‘cause they met only one night a week, he’d have to read a fair chunk of the book by next time, if he kept doin’ this dang fool thing. Which wasn’t damn likely.

He shifted again, tryin’ to get some life back into his legs. It was what he deserved, sittin’ at this crap desk, barely able to hold his eyelids open. Hell, only reason he was here was bein’ an idiot. Bein’ an idiot twice over. More than that. But he wasn’t goin’ to think about it, not now. Mrs. Miller was sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout writin’ a piece for next week, somethin’ on the girl, Scout. What a strange name for a girl, not pretty like his own girls’ names. Still, sounded from what people were sayin’ that she had spirit, a thought that put him in mind of Francie.

He wrote what the teacher wrote on the board for the assignment, one for readin’ and one for writin’, in the notebook Bonnie’d thrust into his hands when they’d split up, though he doubted he’d be needin’ it, seein’ as how he doubted he’d be back. Still, after bein’ such a fool, maybe he deserved this, and there was the money to think about, since he’d already laid down some bills to register. Weighed on him heavy to spend Jack’s money on such a fool thing – weighed on him heavy to take his money at all, truth be known. But now it was spent, felt even more wasteful to walk away.

There was also John Twist’s face to think about. Man had just sneered when he found out where Ennis was goin’, said nasty, “You, in school. Right. That’ll last about a day!” He’d laughed right in Ennis’s face, and though Ennis agreed with him, it had fueled some stubborn part of himself inside, seein’ the scorn comin’ off of Twist. He’d gritted out, “I ain’t a quitter,” then slid into the cab of Bonnie’s truck. Last thing he saw was Twist’s grinnin’ face. Sure made him want to prove him wrong.

Mrs. Miller – Mary, she’d said to call her – wasn’t half bad, either, talkin’ kinda lively and not never callin’ on folks as didn’t want to talk. Plenty of folks did want ta’ say stuff, though, and that was just fine. Some of the kids in class were pretty smart seemin’, too. One gal with a stripe of pink in her hair had lots to say ‘bout discrimination and all that, and a young guy with some punk hairdo seemed ta’ know a lot ‘bout the gal as wrote the book. No one was askin’ Ennis’s opinion, but he thought the whole thing had gone a bit far, them blacks and others wantin’ special treatment and all. But treatin’ a guy bad just ‘cause of what his skin looked like? And all the guy wanted was ta’ make an honest livin’, live quiet? Set off somethin’ strong inside him. Wasn’t right.

‘Course, the ridiculous thing was why he was here in the first place, but he could beat himself up for that later. Now, he needed to finish writin’ the damn assignment down.

Later that night, after the long drive back from Gillette, when he’d surprised himself by talkin’ with Bonnie a bit ‘bout how it used to be in the South, other places too, he found himself saggin’ against the barn door after finishin’ off his evenin’ rounds. Felt like he could sleep right here, leanin’ up like this. Sleep on his feet like a horse.

Huh. Jack, a warm weight swayin’ in front of him, Ennis nuzzlin’ at his neck, scent unique to Jack fightin’ with the smell of wood smoke and horse.

Stop. He banged his forehead against the barn door. Shit, he’d been doin’ it again, driftin’ off, moonin’ on Jack like a high school girl. He let his head fall forward and rest a second, then pushed up. Weren’t no two ways about it – he was exhausted, bone-deep tired. Couldn’t help but be, with the hours he was keeping. He turned his wrist to see – yep, almost midnight. Ridiculous hour for a rancher to be up till, and his alarm was ringin’ extra early these days.

He sighed and locked the barn for the night, trudged up the lonesome hill ta’ the house. He’d left a light burnin’ in the kitchen, and its warmth cast a glow out into the night far beyond what seemed possible. Almost could imagine someone was there, waitin’ up for him, keepin’ supper warm or fixin’ a cup of coffee.

Damn. He wasn’t goin’ to think this way. He wasn’t goin’ to think at all. Just fall into bed, then rise in a few hours ta’ the alarm, let exhaustion keep his mind clear of all thoughts but work.

It worked fine tonight, too, through a quick-stuffed snack of cold cuts and a Bud to wash it down, him feelin’ hungry again though he and Bonnie’d grabbed a burger at six from a drive-through in Gillette as they’d raced into town at the last minute.

It worked fine - shower, teeth, fallin’ into the soft bed, the hard fall into sleep.

It was washin’ up in the mornin’ – what was passin’ for mornin’ these days – that tripped him up. ‘Cause suddenly, soapin’ up in the pre-dawn light for shavin’, there was his hands right in front of him. Dirt under the nails still, calloused and rough. A workman’s hands.

Shit. There it was, the picture clear in his mind – those hands, foldin’ a poem, a fuckin’ poem and sendin’ it off ta’ his - his lover. Fuck, embarrassin’ enough if it was a woman he was sendin’ poetry to like that. But a man - . How fuckin’ queer could he get? Ennis fisted his hands, clenched ‘em. Poetry. He could wish it was just poetry. More like a fuckin’ prayer, a love song, a weddin’ poem. Fuck! His fist crashed into the medicine cabinet mirror. What kind of asshole folds a poem, the sweetest god damned love poem ever wrote, and sends it in the U.S. Mail ta’ his friend? Jesus. And maybe worse, what kind of asshole is such a pussy he can’t even deal with what he did, makes excuses ta’ not be around in case the phone rings?

He shivered, watchin’ faint speckles of blood slip slow from his fist, the mirror splintered in spidery lines under his hand. He shut his eyes against the sight, took a hard breath to stop all thoughts. He could still feel shame, thuddin’ in the throb of his hand, but he had the strength back ta’ tamp down all thoughts, call nothin’ to mind but: Hour before dawn, cows needin’ milkin’, get out of the house.

Shruggin’ his shoulders against the cold, walkin’ down the road to the main place, he hardly felt a thing when he heard, faint behind the house’s front door in back of him, the sound of the phone ringin’. He walked faster, away from the house, knowin’ even as he did that it just showed how weak he really was.

The phone seemed to keep ringin’ forever, the ring followin’ him down the hill towards the barn, mockin’ him for the verse, and what he was doin’ right now.

Shit, was the man never goin’ to hang up? Finally, what musta been twenty rings later, the sound stopped, or maybe he just got too far away to hear it. Good thing he hadn’t bought one of them answerin’ machines like folks was talkin’ about. He could imagine real clear what type of message Jack’d be leavin’, and that weren’t no lie. “Pussy” didn’t begin to cover it.

One thing was sure. Four thirty in the a.m. was too late now. Tomorrow he’d have to get out of there by four. He supposed he could just stay there in the house, ignore the phone as it rang, but somehow that felt wrong. Wronger. Worse wrong than what he was already doin’. Like, punishin’ himself by gettin’ out of the house for more and more hours made up for not facin’ Jack. Facin’ himself, the thing he’d done, sendin’ that fuckin’ thing spur of the moment like that. Fuck. Was Jack even now readin’ ‘bout souls reachin’ out for each other, souls lovin’? Jack wasn’t much fer fancy words. Maybe Jack’d think Ennis’d cracked. Maybe Jack wanted more of a man’s man, like what he used ta’ be, not some spineless wimp as sent poetry like that. Fuck.

Spineless, that’s what he was, but that’s how he was made and there wasn’t nothin’ to be done about it. He shrugged his collar up ‘round his ears. Bit of fall in the mornin’ breeze today. No more time for thinkin’ – there was work to do.

And work he did, nights and days blendin’ together, broken up only by tryin’ to make his way through that damn book. Couldn’t say he understood a lot of it, but after fallin’ asleep night after night when he tried to read in bed, he’d taken to carryin’ it around and readin’ a bit whenever there was some brief pause in what he was doin’. Slowly, he was beginnin’ to get the picture on this Scout, a girl as definitely reminded him of Francie, or Jack. She had spirit, and was smart, and he liked that, though she did need some lessons in manners. He didn’t imagine his thoughts on the matter was what the teacher was lookin’ for, but he did painstakingly write some lines describin’ her “character,” a word as meant what the person was like, just in case he went again. Lookin’ at his messy writin’, he felt shame writhin’ a bit in his gut – the teacher probably wouldn’t believe someone as stupid as him was even in her class.

When it came on Wednesday again, since he hadn’t called Bonnie to tell her not to come, bein’ so exhausted he couldn’t think straight, he figured it’d be impolite not to go, so he climbed in when she came ‘round for him. Joe’d already planned for it, switchin’ schedules around so Wednesday nights was covered, anyway. Bonnie’d taken one look at him and said, “Sleep. I’ll wake you up before we get there.” Couldn’t believe he’d done it, sleepin’ in front of folks not somethin’ he usually approved of, but he let himself curl into the door, and didn’t wake up till she shook him gently, a few miles outside of Gillette. A cup of coffee grabbed with their usual burger, and he felt pretty damn good.

In class, he had some thoughts on what that damn punk boy, hair in some strange city cut, was sayin’ ‘bout the dad in the story, the lawyer. Seemed ta’ be sayin’ he was a bad father, and Ennis had some strong thoughts on that. Seemed ta’ let his kids be themselves, seemed ta’ understand he shouldn’t fight their nature, fact John Twist and hell, Ennis’s own father, hadn’t exactly figured out. Had a thought, though. Wondered if he’d had a boy, if that woulda been harder. Maybe havin’ only girls had been a blessin’, ‘cause he had a sort of sickenin’ idea of the kinds of rules he mighta put on a boy ‘bout how to be.

Drivin’ back, Bonnie havin’ taken him up on the offer to drive, Ennis ventured ta’ ask her ‘bout her kids. She was quiet for a while, then shook her head.

Ennis mumbled, “You don’t got to talk about it, just askin’.”

Bonnie sighed. “I appreciate it Ennis, I do. My ex is sayin’ I ain’t gettin’ the kids for visits no more. ‘Cause of me and Lisa, livin’ in sin and all, pervertin’ what God intended, all that. Same ol’ story.”

Ennis grunted.

“Thing is, I think it’s that bitch of a wife he’s got - pardon my French - not him, really. I mean – that’s how he started out, but the past few years have been better – he started lettin’ me have ‘em holidays and summers. Till now.”

Ennis glanced over at her. “You think it’s her.”

She nodded. “Yeah. He’s not a bad guy, really. I hurt him, Ennis, hurt him bad. Time was - .” She stopped, spent some time lookin’ at the dark barren prairie. “Time was he really loved me, more or less. But I was tryin’ ta’ have it both ways, ‘cause I was so god damned afraid of losin’ the kids. Bein’ different. Hurt him bad. His pride, too. But after the first coupla years, he got over it a little. He could see it was hurtin’ the kids ta’ not know their momma. He kinda figured out I didn’t mean t’humiliate him or nothin’.”

Ennis thought about Alma, and their young selves, so innocent. “Yeah. Know what you mean. You run around on him?”

He could see Bonnie’s wince out of the corners of his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I did. Lisa moved back there, ta’ Bozeman, got an apartment. Got a job assistin’ a vet. I’d met her there, ya’ know – when I worked at M.S.U. as a secretary, before I had kids.” Ennis heard the quirk in her voice when she said “secretary,” could feel her eyes rollin’ though he couldn’t see it, thinkin’ back on her younger self doin’ a job like that. It was hard ta’ picture Bonnie, who usually wasn’t far from some tool or elbow grease, answerin’ phones and takin’ dictation.

She sighed. “So yeah, after she moved back, I - . Well, you can imagine.”

His nod was automatic. Fer sure, he could imagine – the lies, the sneakin’.

“He found out, o’ course. Wasn’t pretty, I can tell you that.”

Ennis focused on the road, made a sound in his throat – he hoped an encouragin’ one.

“A mess, the whole thing.” Bonnie shook her head. “I thought I’d at least get half custody, I’m the mother and all, but that good ol’ boy judge, he done slammed me somethin’ fierce, gave my ex all the legal rights. Roy was so angry, he pulled out all the stops. Still, he gave me a choice, and I - .” Bonnie’s voice caught, and there were a few more minutes quiet.

She started talkin’ again, real quiet. “He said if I gave it up, stayed with him, he wouldn’t leave me, wouldn’t take them away from me. Long as I got back to the perfect little wife, the one he’d married. Didn’t want me doin’ no work, neither, after we started havin’ kids - shamed him bad if I tried ta’ lift a hammer or make a buck. He wanted that little Baptist gal straight off the prairie.” Bonnie sat up taller, looked over at Ennis, her voice risin’. “I didn’t know, Ennis, I didn’t know when I married him that I was like this – I’d never even heard of it, thought it was just me needin’ ta’ settle down, I wouldn’t of - .” Bonnie stopped, took a deep breath.

A powerful yearnin’ to say the right thing rose up in Ennis. He’d felt that before, plenty of times, when someone said somethin’ from their heart ‘bout their life to him. Made him want to curl right into himself, but also, made him want to offer somethin’, some comfort. But he was always afraid he’d do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, look like a fool.

But here was Bonnie, as had helped him so much, hurtin’. He cleared his throat, focused his eyes on the dark highway. “Sometimes - .” He stopped, gathered his will. “It ain’t your fault. Ain’t your fault you were born the way you was. Ain’t your fault the world is how it is, you couldn’t know, you married the guy like you was supposed to.”

Bonnie shifted up in the seat, turned and looked over at Ennis. He glanced over quick. He’d never seen Bonnie like this, and her eyes were bright in the faint light that filtered into the car from the headlights. Maybe wet. He had t’admit, it didn’t go down easy with him, the idea of a woman leavin’ her kids. Not easy at all. But he could see how it mighta gotten to a point where she couldn’t stand it no more.

Why was the world so fuckin’ screwed up, anyway? “Weren’t yer fault.”

Bonnie leaned over against the window. “I miss them every day, Ennis? You know?” Her voice came quieter. “But I needed Lisa so bad. I done wrong by my kids, but how could I stay?” Her voice sounded thick.

Ennis thought a bit, wanted ta’ offer her something. “If you stayed, what kind of momma would you be to them? Ain’t no good choices.” Thinkin’ on his girls, Ennis had another thought. If some man tried ta’ tame Francie like that, he’d have a few thoughts on the subject, fer sure. “Yer girl, you woulda wanted her ta’ see you like that? The wife he wanted?”

Bonnie breathed out hard. “You amaze me sometimes, Ennis del Mar. Know you probably don’t approve much of the whole thing anyway. But no, yer right, wouldn’t want her ta’ see that.” She got more steel in her voice. “Not my boys neither.” She shifted in the seat. “But they’re innocent. My children Ennis, and I coulda stayed, and I didn’t. Couldn’t.” Ennis could tell she beat herself up all the time about it, just from the defeated sound of her voice.

Ennis felt stuff wellin’ up inside of him that he didn’t like to think on, all them years of shovin’ down his true yearnin’s. What the hell. He swallowed. “But stayin’ -. Takes somethin’ out of you, livin’ like that. You can’t get back the times from when you don’t go with your - . When you don’t listen ta’ yer heart. Not never.” The truth of what he was sayin’ hit him hard, square in the belly.

Bonnie was starin’ at him now. “Yeah?”

He nodded, keepin’ his eyes tight on the road, ‘cause this was a tricky part, curvin’ up like it did to the higher plateau.

They drove in silence for a bit, then Bonnie said, quiet, “Still, my fault I left them.”

Some hard rage Ennis hadn’t let his thoughts fully form ‘round till now gathered up tight, came out harsh. “It’s the fuckin’ law’s fault that it has to be a choice like that. Fuckin’ world’s fault people like us have ta’ live the way we do.”

Bonnie whistled, low. “Still waters. Thank you for that, Ennis. Think I’ll rest a bit, if that’s alright with you.”

Ennis just nodded, figurin’ Bonnie needed some time, and he stared out at the road, only visible piece the pavement right in front of the truck, there not bein’ no street lamps out here in God’s country. He bet if he stopped the car and turned off the lights, he could see the Milky Way, same as he and Jack had gazed on so many times.

After a bit, Bonnie fell into a light doze, her head fallin’ gentle against the door. Seemed they both had reasons to be tired.

Drivin’ a long road like this put Ennis in mind of Jack, seein’ as how he drove all them long miles all those years. And seein’ how he needed ta’ make that trip again soon. Ennis felt the longin’ rise up strong, drivin’ this long road, Wyomin’ spread out like a dark blanket under the starry heavens. Wyomin’ bein’ the place he’d met Jack, fucked Jack, laughed with Jack. Wyomin’ bein’ the place Jack was from, and hopefully would return to. Right now, he’d give anythin’ for just bein’ with Jack, havin’ it be him curled up sleepin’ next to him in the truck. He loved the screwin’ as much as any man, but nights like this, he just wanted him there, sharin’ a bad joke or talkin’ on the grazin’ situation. Sharin’ the dark starry night.

He could use someone ta’ talk to ‘bout Buck n’ Ken, too, someone who was good with people. ‘Cause they seemed ta’ have settled down pretty good, but Ennis felt some kinda churnin’ feelin’ in his stomach whenever he had ta’ deal with them. They always seemed ta’ be sharin’ some private joke, though he hadn’t caught them doin’ or sayin’ nothin’ really wrong since the time Joe’d laid into them. He’d checked in with Joe ‘bout it a coupla times, and the man just grunted, said, “They’re okay fer gettin’ the work done. Drink up a storm days off, go off makin’ trouble no doubt, but doubt if we’re gonna be able ta’ get anythin’ better this time of year.”

He had a point, six guys if you counted Twist not bein’ enough ta’ really run the place this time of year, anyway. Still, if it was his own place, he’d of maybe made up some excuse, got rid of ‘em. He didn’t fancy explainin’ nothin’ like that ta’ Twist, though. ‘Sides, he felt funny about the idea anyway, like it’d seem he was givin’ in to guys ‘cause he was weak or somethin’. He could imagine their sneers real good.

He fell into bed that night and passed straight into sleep, like he did most nights recently. He was risin’ earlier and earlier, goin’ to bed later and later, ‘cause somehow he just couldn’t stand to hear that phone ringin’. He kept goin’ to the school, figurin’ it filled in all the cracks of his time real good, plus Bonnie sure did seem like she needed the company.

The days were all jumblin’ together, and then suddenly it was the end of another week and time for the girls to come the next day, mid-October bein’ Francine’s break off school, and Junior havin’ asked for the time off ages ago. And shit, now he thought on it, how the hell was he goin’ to manage that? The girls in his house and him not answerin’ the phone – how was he goin’ to explain that to them?

“Ennis del Mar!” Evelyn’s voice came firm in his ears, and Ennis’s head jolted up to true. Sleepin’ at the Twists’ dining table again, damn. Thankfully John had left, but Evelyn’s arms were crossed over her chest, and her motherin’ face was on strong.

“Ma’am.” Ennis ducked his head a little, instinct takin’ over. She just kept starin’ at him, and he felt himself wrigglin’ like a little boy caught out bein’ bad.

When he stayed quiet, she sighed. “Ennis, I got a message fer you from Jack.”

Bolt of embarrassment shot through Ennis and he shoved his chair back ta’ stand, murmured, “Excuse me, ma’am.”

Evelyn’s glare stopped him before he could move, so he just stood, hat in hand, waitin’. “Jack says to tell you, ‘quote,’ –“ Evelyn glared harder, and Ennis knew with a sinkin’ feelin’ that Jack had used what she would call “strong language” – “Jack says tell that stubborn – “ Evelyn paused and looked ‘round the room, pained expression on her face “- that stubborn stupid man I just want to talk to him about the hired hands.”

Ennis stared at Evelyn, frozen in place. She shook her head. “He said to say ‘Fall work force,’ that’s it, so don’t be an idiot any more.”

Ennis stared at his feet, shufflin’ a little, then sighed. It was hopeless and he knew it. The sound of the Twists’ phone ringin’ in the kitchen just confirmed it. What was the point, anyway?

Evelyn nodded sharp and went to the door. “Answer the phone, Ennis. John’s gone and I’m going out. Talk to Jack, then go home n’sleep. We’re covering everything till tomorrow.”

The ringin’ kitchen phone covered the sound of her footsteps, recedin’ out of the house.

Fuck, he was so screwed.

He shuffled into the kitchen and stared at the ringin’ phone. His hand actually shook a little when he picked up the receiver. “Yep?” His voice came out weak.

“Ennis del Mar, you have got ta’ be the stupidest, orneriest, weakest excuse for a friend ever ta’ walk the earth. I ain’t gonna - .”

Ennis grimaced and held the receiver away from his ear. Jack was on one of his tears. His disembodied voice sounded tinny, but he could still make out the occasional “asshole.”

Really, it was startin’ to seem a little funny. Him a grown man, hidin’ out from a phone. He brought the receiver up close. “Jack.” Jack’s voice, high and fast like it got sometimes, kept on. “Jack!”

The voice finally stopped. There was silence, and unbidden, pictures of that poem started up in Ennis’s head, and the shame started tyin’ his tongue.

Maybe Jack sensed it, in that way he sometimes had, ‘cause he coughed, then said, “Just wanna talk ‘bout winterin’ for the stock, everythin’ else. Wanna make sure you’re not workin’ too hard, though I know you are. Worried whether you should hire some more help.”

“Now, Jack - .”

“I know you, Ennis, you’ll work yourself to death. The ranch is doin’ so much better since you came on, there’s gonna be too much work.”

Ennis felt his body relaxin’, listenin’ to Jack go on and on in that way he had ‘bout tonnage of crop and winterin’ cattle. His thoughts started driftin’ off a little. He wondered how it had been for Jack when he got the poem. When had he gone to his post office box? Had he opened it there, in the little Childress store? Had he stuffed it in a pocket, taken it home? Read it in his truck? What had he thought? Did he think Ennis was actin’ like a girl? Weak, when he wanted strong?

But wait, Jack sounded so normal. Had he got it at all? What if somethin’ had gone wrong? What if it hadn’t gotten there, or Jack hadn’t gone to the post office?

‘Cause that would mean Jack wouldn’t know, couldn’t know, how Ennis yearned on him. He might never get the verse, and never know Ennis’s heart, never understand he had ta’ get out of Childress. He might die and - .

“Ennis!” Jack’s voice, strong, through the receiver.

Ennis cleared his throat. “Yeah?”

Jack sighed, audible over the thousand miles. “You ain’t responded to nothin’ I said.”

Ennis mumbled, “Sorry.”

Jack sighed again. “Listen, Ennis, I’m tryin’ to do what I think you want me to do here. I got it wrong?”

Ennis felt a flush work its way up his neck into his face. What did he want? Suddenly, he needed to know if Jack had gotten the verse. “You – you got somethin’ from me?”

Silence, then Jack’s voice came, low over the phone line. “Yeah, I got somethin’ from you, Ennis.”

Ennis felt heat rise higher in his cheeks. Embarrassment flooded him, and yet - .

“Got somethin’ so fine, I cain’t say words for it, Ennis.”

There was silence again for a second. Ennis’s heart was racin’ in his ears. He was shamed of thinkin’ on what he’d done, what he’d sent, and yet – .

“You cain’t imagine what it was like for me, Ennis, gettin’ my mail a week ago yesterday, end of a long, fuckin’ hard day, openin’ that in my truck.” Jack paused, and his voice sounded thick. “Musta just sat there for an hour, holdin’ that slip of paper.”

Ennis couldn’t talk, picturin’ Jack, all alone down ta’ Childress, all alone after all them years, holdin’ that crumpled piece of paper.

Jack’s voice was almost a whisper. “Wasn’t anythin’ I didn’t already sorta know, down deep. But Ennis - .” Jack stopped talkin’ fer a minute, cleared his throat again. “Ah hell, this don’t work too good over a phone line. Plus, I’m still pissed at you. You didn’t answer yer fuckin’ phone!” Ennis cringed. Real annoyance crept into Jack’s voice. “Jesus, Ennis, I know you, and I was startin’ ta’ think you might cut and run, thinkin’ on havin’ actually sent that to me. Wouldn’t be the first time you ran from yerself.”

Wasn’t much to say to that, but somethin’ was required, so Ennis just mumbled, “Sorry.”

Jack sounded impatient. “S’alright. Listen, okay if I visit again? Thinkin’ on November, soon’s I kin get clear of a few things here?”

Jack, visitin’ again, so soon? Ennis felt a smile curlin’ up the corners of his mouth. Jack, here and not there, even for a few short days? Jack, here in this house, here in their house? Ennis couldn’t help it, he felt a little light-headed after all the worry. He tried to make his voice serious-soundin’. “Don’t know, Jack. Not sure you should visit again so soon. I mean, I got such a active social life here, not sure I can fit ya’ in. Maybe - .”

“Asshole!” Jack’s voice was happy, and Ennis laughed out loud. “I’ll visit you when I want, so tell all yer – dates – ta’ go fuck themselves, alright?”

Ennis chuckled. “Yeah, bud, no problem.”

Jack’s voice got more urgent. “I gotta go, Ennis, but listen – I’ll get up there for Thanksgiving, fer sure.”

“So, how many days you think?”

“Clearin’ your social calendar?”

“Yeah, asshole, I am. I got two Thanksgivin’ invites already, probably more in my mail.”

Jack chuckled, happy sound to Ennis’s ears. “Well, don’t make no plans the day before Thanksgivin’, that’s all I’ll say. Who’re the invites from?”

“Yer momma o’ course. And the girls – Bonnie and Lisa. They’re hopin’ on Bonnie’s kids visitin’ ‘round then.”

“Huh. Well, I’ll try to make it the day before. You gonna answer the fuckin’ phone in the house now?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“You’d better, asshole. I ain’t gonna be happy if you run off again like that, Ennis.”

“Yeah, alright. I know.”

“Well, I gotta go, bud.” Jack sounded – like somethin’ was botherin’ him, or he had more to say.

Ennis felt the phone near his ear like a livin’ thing, felt Jack’s presence warm and real next to him. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine Jack was there, breathin’ soft in his ear, and – “Jack.” His voice sounded tender and low to his own ears.

Jack’s voice sounded soft and full. “Yeah.”

“I - .” Ennis couldn’t go on, didn’t even know what he was tryin’ to say.

“S’alright, Ennis.” He heard Jack take a breath. “Better than alright. I’ll see you in November. Talk to you before that. I’ll call next week.” There was a slight pause. “On the phone in the house. Which you’re goin’ ta’ answer.”

Ennis laughed, Jack messin’ with him like that, feelin’ good enough to give him shit. Jack laughed too, then hung up.

Ennis stood there in that kitchen, holding the dead receiver in his hand, feelin’ the warm glow of Jack’s voice still in his ear, feelin’ his exhaustion, built up over all the days and nights of no sleepin’, hit like a ton of bricks.

After a quick talk with Joe, makin’ sure the evenin’ stuff was handled, Ennis stumbled up the hill towards the house and fell into bed. He had to be up early tomorrow, get everything set before goin’ into town for his girls. And shit, the house wasn’t exactly spruced up, since he hadn’t been spendin’ no time there.

Still, he felt a warm happiness threadin’ through his mind. His girls was comin’ tomorrow and Jack Twist’d be comin’ for Thanksgiving. Maybe, just maybe, Jack was bein’ drawn here, just like the two of them’d been drawn back together two or three times a year for twenty years. Maybe Jack was bein’ drawn more and more, drawn by the power of what they had. Maybe his visits would get closer and closer together till one day - . But there wasn’t no point carryin’ on with that line of thought.

He’d been a first-class idiot, duckin’ from the phone like that, but Jack’d forgave him already, he could tell from Jack makin’ fun of him. He always was good ‘bout forgivin’ Ennis – good thing, too. Ennis felt the smile curve up his lips right as he fell into sleep.

Good thing he was in a good mood in the mornin’. Charlie’d arrived back from his “coupla days” down to Gillette ta’ see the feedlot guy from California as had business there again. He was all moony or worse, sad sack face, not seemin’ ta’ hear what Ennis was sayin’ most of the time. Ennis was already tired of his sighin’ by mid-mornin’.

Still, he swung up on the roan when Charlie was headin’ out to check the northeast fence, rode along silent beside him, careful not ta’ look at Charlie’s bloodshot eyes. He thought back ta’ Jack, sittin’ pretty on that lively mare back on Brokeback, playin’ that damn fool harmonica, sayin’ he was sick of beans. He’d been over those memories so many times, seemed like he should be immune to ‘em by now, but damn if they didn’t put him back ta’ those days every time. Now that he knew what it was, the thing he’d felt, he wished sometimes he could go back, feel it all over again. ‘Cause he sure hadn’t let himself feel most of the joy of it, had he?

Lookin’ back, it seemed like he’d been half crazy that summer. He’d be playin’ and laughin’ like a boy, then he’d be sittin’ on some rock pretendin’ ta’ watch the sheep, thoughts swirlin’. He hadn’t known what’d hit him, Jack ta’ him some fine thing brought down from the sky, or sometimes, a frightenin’ presence draggin’ him down ta’ hell or worse. How could everythin’ he’d thought was wrong feel so right?

He clamped down on the thoughts as always wanted ta’ come next, thoughts of the tent, nights, and the grass-filled meadows, days. Maybe he had felt the joy of it, after all.

When they dismounted ta’ check a section of fence as looked a little funny, Ennis cleared his throat. “So, ya’ doin’ alright?”

Charlie brushed his hand over his eyes quick, looked down at his boots. “He had ta’ leave. I had ta’ come back here.” He shook his head, whispered, “I don’t think I kin stand it.”

Lookin’ out to the far horizon, away from Charlie’s sorrowful face, Ennis grunted. “What’s he sayin’?”

Charlie’s words came out all in a rush. “He feels the same. But he’s got a good job – real good – and his folks in California. Says that’s a good place ta’ be – like this.” Charlie gestured vaguely at himself. He turned, catchin’ Ennis’s eye. “I wanna go there, Ennis, he wants me to. But how can I leave my momma? She’s dependin’ on me.”

Ennis said, careful, “There’s jobs in Wyomin’.”

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, we talked ‘bout that actually. But what kinda life can guys like me n’ him have in the fuckin’ back of Wyomin’? I mean, California, Ennis!” Charlie looked out toward the west, dreamy look in his eyes. As if on cue, a bitin’ breath of east wind rattled some wire from the fence, numbed Ennis’s cheeks. After a bit, Charlie seemed ta’ realize Ennis was stuck, pretty much, livin’ in Wyomin’, said, “Oh, shit. I mean, bein’ here’d be fine and all, for folks like me. And you got a different - .” Charlie swallowed, maybe seein’ the glowerin’ as was startin’ on Ennis’s face. He wasn’t gonna talk ‘bout himself with no kid, even Charlie, that was fer damn sure.

Charlie started over. “Well, ain’t gotta decide nothin’ now, anyway. He’s comin’ again in the winter. He says if I still feel this way – then we’ll figure it out.” Charlie sniffed. “If! Ain’t no doubt what I’ll be feelin’ come winter. Summer, whatever.”

Ennis grunted. “He - . “ Ennis had ta’ swallow hard. “He treat ya’ right?”

“Oh, yeah.” Charlie waggled his eyebrows at Ennis, which he wanted nothin’ ta’ do with, though he was glad ta’ see him not so sorrowful.

“Now, see here, Charlie - .”

Charlie laughed. “I know, I know.” His smile faded quick, though, and he got that sad look again.

Ennis was torn, wantin’ ta’ say the things a good father maybe would, warn him about stuff. But then thinkin’ back on him and Jack, so hurtin’ and alone, not even able ta’ share their misery at separatin’, part of him wanted to offer comfort to the boy. What the hell. “Times have changed, some. Maybe it’ll all work out.”

“Yeah.” Charlie nodded. “Ain’t gonna let the world tell me what to do, that’s fer sure. What the hell’s wrong with the fence, anyway?” He walked over and peeled back a section of wire that’d apparently come undone from a casual loopin’, not secured tight like it should’ve been. “Damn. Thought Buck n’ Ken were watchin’ this section.”

“Supposed ta’ be,” Ennis grunted. Sudden thought occurred ta’ him. “They give you any trouble?”

Charlie shook his head. “Nah, not really. They josh with me some ‘bout gettin’ some pussy, stuff like that. Don’t bother me, I’m used ta’ it. I don’t think they know - .” He stopped himself, looked at Ennis sideways. “They don’t give me no special trouble.”

“Good. You tell me if they do, or Joe, y’hear?”

Charlie nodded, and Ennis joined him in fixin’ the fence proper. Next thing he knew, it was time ta’ head back and get ready ta’ go get the girls from the Greyhound. Standin’ at the main intersection - the only intersection - in what passed for the downtown of Lightnin’ Flat, Ennis realized somethin’ had changed since last time. This felt comfortable, familiar, not so strange. The flat stretchin’ on forever, with peaks in the distance, the coupla buildin’s stuck here at the crossin’ of two rural routes, the girls comin’ – it all seemed normal.

All his life before, seemed like his world had been dwindlin’ down smaller and smaller, to where everythin’ fit in that dark little trailer. The girls, and Jack, had filled his heart and mind every wakin’ second, but his life, minute by minute, had been a series of empty things – eggs, coffee, beans, horses, hay, whiskey, bed. Cassie’d tried to give him more, but since it was all a lie, he couldn’t open the door even a crack. As much as he’d loved the girls, it felt like he’d always held back. Like, he couldn’t really let himself act on that feelin’, ‘cause actin’ on one true feelin’ might lead to actin’ on another. Feelin’ anythin’ – joy or sorrow – was dangerous.

Where was the bus, anyway? Just like last time, no one else was waitin’ for it, Lightnin’ Flat not being a major destination point. Ennis shivered and pulled his coat collar tighter ‘round his neck. Winter was comin’, sure enough, and he imagined it didn’t hit much harder than here, with the wind able ta’ sweep through not blocked by nothin’. Hoped the girls’d packed lots of warm stuff, like he’d told ‘em on the phone.

And there was the bus, covered with the brown-grey dust of the prairie, whipped up good today by the wind. He felt a wellin’ up of feelin’ as they got off, Junior lookin’ every bit a woman, hair pulled back inta’ some kinda fastenin’, Francie lookin’ – lookin’ straight at Ennis, huge grin on her face, now that was a sight to – .

“Daddy!” Francie wrapped herself ‘round him, Junior lookin’ on with a little smile. Francie was wiggly and alive-feelin’, and he let his arms come ‘round her hard for a second, then reached an arm ta’ snug Junior into his side.

This time, it wasn’t so strange havin’ them here, and he felt a bit of excitement thinkin’ on Evelyn seein’ them again. He couldn’t muster no excitement for Twist, though he had ta’ admit he’d asked pretty polite about when was the girls comin’. He’d mumbled somethin’ that mornin’ ‘bout the new filly and Francine, somethin’ ‘bout King needin’ her touch, too.

Went both ways, seein’ as how he was glad for the girls ta’ have Evelyn dote on them so nice. With his folks dead and only Alma’s mother left, sorrowful and beat down by life, it was nice to see them get the kindness of a grandma, plus her playful spirit as sometimes came through. Like the dessert with dinner, which still seemed wrong ta’ him, but what’re you gonna do.

Sure enough, after they dumped their stuff at the house, the girls wanted ta’ head straight down ta’ the main house, so Ennis walked with ‘em down the path, makin’ sure they’d bundled up real good. When they got almost to the house, Evelyn came out on the porch, apron flyin’ up in the chill breeze. She said, “Oh!”, seemin’ a bit surprised at her own feelin’s, and came down the steps fast, huggin’ them girls to her like she didn’t never wanna let go. Probably how she felt on Jack, and the glad glance she gave Ennis over the girls’ heads made him know she was grateful ta’ him for this, at least.

Twist was almost talkative at dinner, dinner bein’ a fancy roast that Evelyn’d done up with all the trimmin’s, though Ennis of course had told her he could feed them perfectly fine. She’d looked at him stern, said, “Now, Ennis, you’re close on insulting me. Unless you want them to yourself? I don’t want to be selfish.” She’d looked a little embarrassed, he thought, obviously wonderin’ whether she’d presumed too much.

He mustered himself, put all his conviction in his voice, said, “Nah, I was just bein’ polite. I’d rather eat yer dinner any day.” He smiled big at her. “So would they. They’ve been buggin’ me for weeks ‘bout makin’ sure they was gonna get lots of time with you. I’m hopin’, too - .” He scuffed the gravel under his feet. “My ex says Junior done fallen in with some boy – some man at the company she works at. Junior don’t talk much, so Alma’s a little worried. I was hopin’ maybe you could talk ta’ her some, y’know, make sure she’s not doin’ nothin’ stupid?”

Evelyn smiled. “Of course, Ennis. But you should talk to her yourself. You’re her daddy.”

Ennis scuffed his feet some more in the gravel of the driveway, watchin’ burnished leaves swirlin’ on the east wind. “Not exactly my strong suit.”

Evelyn’s laughter was kind. “Girl knows you love her. That’s all that matters. Just maybe try to listen to her. Your quiet ways suit her just fine.”

He just nodded and went off ta’ the barn, but her words warmed some part of him. Did the girls know he loved them? He sure hoped so. Thought so. Pictures from that dream came on him fierce, clutchin’ those shirts, wishin’ ta’ say to Jack all them things, them things he’d never said. His girls knew, he really thought so. Called ‘em darlin’, paid his support check regular back in the day even when all he’d eaten for a week each month was beans.

Still, he wasn’t too good on talkin’ ‘bout stuff. He chuckled a little to himself, rueful, imaginin’ Jack rollin’ his eyes at that understatement. He’d try ta’ talk with Junior. That horrible dream was pretty true ‘bout that, her bein’ shocked when he used the word “love,” asked about her man, ‘cause he hadn’t never tried to have that kind of talk with either of ‘em. Talk ‘bout things as mattered.

Did his heart good watchin’ his girls over the next few days. Francie seemed ta’ become part of the horses she rode, hair flyin’ free in the crisp air, racin’ and whoopin’ whenever she got a chance. Junior, like before, spent a lot of time with Evelyn, this time finishin’ the puttin’ up of late summer and fall berries and pumpkins and stuff. The leaves on the trees, what trees there was in this part of Wyomin’, was turned to all the shades of fall, painting startlin’ hues of reds and oranges, yellows too, against the brown-grey of the land.

He wasn’t gonna say nothin’ about Wednesday nights, figurin’ it was his chance to quit the whole silly school thing, but Tuesday evenin’, sittin’ in the house’s livin’ room together, Junior doin’ some sewin’ and him doin’ some readin’, Junior’d noticed what book he had in his hands.

“Yer readin’ ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ Daddy?” Her eyes was warm. “I read that in English. You like it?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Kinda slow at first, but it’s got a lot goin’ on. You?”

“Yeah, you bet. Same fer me.” She laughed. “When Mrs. Kingston assigned it, I hated it at first, all the kids did. But then I seen what it was about, I think.” She stopped her sewin’ for a minute, looked up at him gentle. “’Bout bein’ brave, I think. And people doing wrong by others. One person makin’ a difference. How far are you?”

Ennis adjusted his glasses, thought for a minute. “Just past where them white folks want to string that Tom guy up, and Atticus is tryin’ to stop ‘em. Then Scout, you remember? His girl? She asks that leader guy all polite ‘bout his kid, and he changes his mind, leaves. Saves him.”

Junior nodded. “Lots of good stuff left to come, too. Sad stuff, too.” She sighed. “They sure had spirit. Doubt if I’d ever have the courage to stand up to nothin’ like that. People really did stuff like that, too.”

“Sure did. Mrs. Miller told us it’s based on a real thing as happened.” He realized his tongue had slipped when she looked up from her sewin’, sharp.

“What do you mean – who’s Mrs. Miller?”

He shrugged. “Oh, I just tried this school thing a little.”

Junior put the sewin’ down on her lap, gave him a wonderin’ look. “You what? Daddy, that’s wonderful!”

“Now, it ain’t no big thing. Just tried this G.E.D. thing to see what it was like, that’s all. Ain’t plannin’ to do it any more. I wasn’t meant for no schoolin’.”

Junior narrowed her eyes. “Now listen to me, Daddy, you gotta tell me all about this, ‘cause Francie and me – well, we been thinkin’ for a long time how you should go back to school, but we couldn’t figure out how to get you to do it.”

“Me?” Ennis’s mouth might be hangin’ open.

“You bet.” Junior nodded. “You’re a smart person, readin’ the paper like you sometimes do, readin’ them mysteries and such. You know a lot about horses and farmin’ and a whole ton of things. Never seemed right you couldn’t finish high school.”

Ennis made a show of polishin’ his glasses on his shirt, sudden clog in his throat makin’ him want to look down. He couldn’t figure why her sayin’ that seemed to touch somethin’ inside him. After a minute, he managed, “Didn’t know you thought nothin’ about it.”

“Sure we do. You’re our daddy. Want ya’ to be happy.”

The simple love in her voice, ‘cause that’s what it was, no doubt – he could see them things clearer now – made his eyes sting a little.

“So, when’re you going to this school? Tell me all about it.”

Shocked him, but he found himself doin’ just that, fillin’ her in on the schedule, the drivin’ with Bonnie, the class and the students in there with him. She told him wasn’t no way he wasn’t goin’ and that was final, so womanly he finally had to give in. “Works out good anyway,” she added, “since we need to spend some time with Mrs. Twist. She’s gonna teach Francie and me some quiltin’ and stuff.”

Ennis chuckled. “Yer sister’s gonna do quiltin’?”

Junior nodded. “We made a deal.” She grinned at Ennis. “Francie’s gotta spend the time with Mrs. Twist and me doin’ that, and I gotta muck out the stable and such with her and Mr. Twist.”

“Seems to me you got the worse of that deal,” Ennis mumbled, knowin’ he shouldn’t be teachin’ that kind of disrespect, but not able to help himself.

Junior smiled big at him. “For Francie, sittin’ with a needle’s gotta be the worst torture she can imagine.”

“True enough,” he managed. Maybe this was a good time to try the talkin’ thing, Francie bein’ out late with Twist. “Your momma tells me you’re seein’ a boy.”

She looked down at her lap, started up sewin’ again. “Name’s Darren. Works for E&I, where I work, you know?”

“Mm. What’s he do?”

Her voice was soft. “Construction. He’s real smart, knows a lot ‘bout electrical.”

Ennis nodded. Could do a lot worse than that. In his dream, it’d been a roughneck, not exactly a daddy’s dream for his daughter. “He good to you?”

She put the sewin’ down in her lap again. “He sure is.” She had one of them fool dreamy smiles on her face now. Between Charlie and her he was surrounded. But this was worse, and better, ‘cause this was his daughter. “Treats me real good. He - .” She blushed a little. “He brings me flowers and such.”

His heart squeezed, thinkin’ on a paper sack, brimmin’ with wildflowers, spillin’ out in his trailer, a gift from the heart.

“Daddy?” Junior was watchin’ him, searchin’ look on her face.

He cleared his throat. “You serious ‘bout him?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Had some boyfriends in high school, you know, but – just was different. Him’n me, we’ve got – somethin’ special. We talk a lot. He’s quiet, too, but he takes me dancin’ and all.”

He grunted and looked down at his lap. “You make sure you don’t - .” He took a breath and looked at her. “Don’t do nothin’ stupid.”

“Daddy!” Junior was flushin’ pink.

Oh, hell, he was her daddy, might as well go for broke, couldn’t get any worse than it already was. He leaned forward. “You make sure you don’t get pregnant, you hear me? Yer too young to be locked in like that. Whatever happens with this guy, be sure to take some time to just – just live.”

Her face was all red, but she did manage to meet his eyes. “Okay, Daddy.” Her voice was soft again, her eyes soft, too. She bit her lip. “Momma, did she - ?” She stopped herself, looked down.

Occurred to Ennis after a second what she was askin’. ‘Least this question he could answer pure. His voice came out gentle. “No, darlin’, you was wanted, from the get-go. Francie, too, o’ course. Didn’t have you till a year or so after we was married.”

She nodded down into her sewin’. After a bit, almost whisperin’, she said, “Just wondered ‘cause sometimes it seemed like you - .” She shook her head. “Never mind.”

Ennis’s heart twisted in his chest. What was she askin’? “I - . Wasn’t never ‘bout you girls, darlin’. Know I ain’t been the best daddy in the world, but - .”

She opened her mouth to protest, he could tell, but somethin’ pushed more words out. “You gotta know how I felt on you. Feel on you.”

She nodded, eyes wide.

“Anythin’ wrong between yer momma and me, it was my fault. Not nothin’ she could do anything about, you hear? I - .” Hell, what the fuck was he going to say anyway – I’m queer? Not hardly. But she was askin’ fer truth, he could tell. Maybe he could tell some of it without goin’ into territory he wasn’t willin’ to go to. “I had some troubles. My own things. Shouldn’t of married yer momma, though I was too young ta’ figure that out.” He gave her a meaningful look. “Why I want you to wait on that stuff, be careful. But you girls was wanted, both of you, always, you gotta know that.”

She nodded and bit her lip again, musterin’ her courage, he could tell, knowin’ her pretty darn well after all. She murmured low, “You seemed so lonely sometimes, Daddy. Even with momma around. And Cassie and all that. Don’t want you to be so lonely.” She looked around the livin’ room, lupine blue all around them, appropriate right now in a sickenin’ kind of way. Her eyes came back to his and he looked down. “I wouldn’t care, neither would Francie, I’m sure, if you had someone – someone different, you know? Different than momma and Cassie. If you didn’t have ta’ be lonely no more.”

Oh holy hell. His eyes stung fierce. Did she know? He met her eyes, reluctant, every part of his body tellin’ him to run, run away from this conversation, this part of himself. Her eyes were shiny, but steady. Full of love. “I - .” Damn his shakin’ voice. He whispered, “Thank you.”

Maybe that was enough, ‘cause she stood up sudden, said, “I’m gonna make some tea. I’ll bring you some of that mint stuff you like. We gotta hit the hay – big day tomorrow.”

He nodded, shaken. Just like Junior ta’ give him time to recover. Just like her to notice things, lookin’ and listenin’, never sayin’ nothin’. He couldn’t tell, completely, whether she knew it all, or was questin’ around, wonderin’, but in either case, huh. Still waters.

Wednesday went fast, one of the girls or the other spendin’ time with him while he did ranch stuff. Francie waggled her eyebrows at the mention that it was a woman, Bonnie, he drove to and from Gillette with, though Junior just looked at him steady. He smiled at Francie. “Now don’t you go on like that, darlin’. I ain’t datin’ her, she’s just a friend. She’s got - .” He stopped cold. Wasn’t no way he was talkin’ ‘bout no girl lovers with his daughters. Just no way – there was a limit to everything. He didn’t even know whether they knew any of that was possible, not really. “She’s taken. And I - . I ain’t datin’ no one no more. That’s done.”

Francie opened her mouth to protest, but Junior didn’t even hide her elbow, diggin’ into Francie’s side. Francie said, “Alma!” but Junior just shook her head, sharp. “Leave it.” Wasn’t often he heard that tone from Junior, but it wasn’t one you wanted to disobey. Francie widened her eyes, comical-like, but left it alone.

Bonnie got a huge smile when he introduced them, and they was polite, just like they should be. “Sure look forward to gettin’ to know you girls more. Your daddy’s a good man. The best.”

Francie grinned and Junior smiled. Ennis looked at the ground. Francie said, “We think so, too,” and giggled when Ennis shot her a warnin’ look.

Ennis shuffled his feet in the gravel, murmured, “Time ta’ go. You girls be good to Mrs. Twist.”

The drive to Gillette went real fast, Bonnie askin’ all about the girls, and him chattin’ almost like he’d been talkin’ to people easy his whole life. Bonnie smiled over at him a coupla times, till he finally had to say, “Whut?”

She laughed. “Just ain’t often seen you so chatty. Good to see.”

He squirmed, embarrassed.

“Now don’t you clam up on me. I love hearin’ about them, Ennis. Puts me in mind of my own kids. Good to see a dad who knows his kids so good.”

Ennis felt bad – maybe he’d been thoughtless, yammerin’ on about his girls, Bonnie not able to be with her own. “I’m - . I didn’t think on how it might be hard for you, hearin’ - .”

She cut him off with a wave of her hand from off the wheel. “Nah. It’s the opposite. Most people tiptoe ‘round the kid stuff.” She grinned at him. “Now you gotta listen to me braggin’ about mine.”

He laughed. “You bet. What’s your youngest’s name again?”

And Bonnie did, too, tellin’ him about each of the three, and he tried real careful to think of questions as a mom or a dad would want to be asked.

The drive home was quiet, though, ‘least till he heard the soft sound of Bonnie cryin’, tryin’ to stifle it in her sleeve against the side window.

Oh, fuck. “Bonnie?”

“Don’t mind me.”

He drove for some time, thinkin’ on Jack. Did Jack ever cry like this, durin’ all them years? Quiet, in the dark? Did he now?

“I’m sorry, Ennis.” Bonnie’s voice was choked, but she seemed to be over the worst. “Probably the worst thing you can imagine, a woman bawlin’ when you can’t get away.”

True enough, but he wasn’t gonna tell her that. “S’alright”. He gritted his teeth. “You wanna talk about it?”

“It’s just – I feel like such a burden on Lisa, you know? Always mopin’ around about my kids, stressin’ out about it. Don’t know why she sticks. I sure haven’t been much fun.”

Suddenly it wasn’t a burden to talk with Bonnie, try to help her. After what they’d given him - the verse, their friendship, their no-nonsense acceptin’ of what he n’ Jack was?

He considered, thought on Lisa, the look he saw in her eyes when she looked at Bonnie when she thought no one else was lookin’. He remembered somethin’ somebody said to him once, maybe understood it for the first time. After steerin’ around a hairpin turn, he said real clear, “Girls don’t fall in love with fun.”

She laughed, an actual laugh. “What?”

“Somethin’ someone told me once.” He risked a glance at her, said, “I doubt if Lisa fell in love with you for fun.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was considerin’. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Know I am.” He was sure, so he let it show in his voice. They drove quiet the rest of the way, like they sometimes did, no need for small talk, thank God, with this gal. When she dropped him off, she just said, “Thank you,” but he could hear her gratitude, hear that she’d taken some comfort from his words, though of course words couldn’t solve problems, in themselves, could they.

The girls’ remainin’ time went fast, too fast, like it always did. One special day, day before they had to leave, they saddled up early, took lunch with ‘em. He’d offered to take them to Sundance, place as Jack n’ Evelyn had said folks liked to see. He wouldn’t mind, neither, the Sundance Kid movie bein’ one of his favorites. They’d said, not this time, both sayin’ they wanted to see more of what he did, see more of the ranch.

He took ‘em west, due west, thinkin’ on showin them one of the places on the spread as he thought they’d like. Sure enough, they loved the windin’ stream nestled between what passed for hills in this flat country, stand of cottonwood quakin’ in the breeze. Most of the leaves was already shaken off, but they formed a golden carpet for a chilly picnic.

Ridin’ back, Francie got one of her grins, said, “Let’s gallop.”

Ennis shook his head. “Now, Francie, the horses could get hurt, so could you. Tricky terrain out here, unfamiliar.”

Francie looked serious. “Daddy, I wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t checked it out on the way out. Mr. Twist done taught me that – not doin’ reckless stuff like that. This meadow here - .” She waved a hand at the ripplin’ prairie grass where they was movin’ along at a steady pace. “It’s safe.”

He wasn’t sure, but she looked so serious, so grown up. Probably wasn’t nothin’ here as could be too harmful, now he really looked around. “Go ahead.”

She shook her head, grinned. “Not unless you two do it, too.”

Junior rolled her eyes. “Not everyone needs to gallop ta’ have fun, Francie.”

Somethin’ about the meadow put Jack square in the front of Ennis’s mind. Jack would probably say - . He cleared his throat. “I think it’s a fine idea. Try it?” He looked at Junior, ignorin’ Francie’s open-mouthed stare.

Junior’s mouth curved up, and he smiled big, spurred the roan and took off, relishin’ the crisp cold air rushin’ by his head, Francie’s startled whoop, and the heady sensation that Jack was ridin’ with him, laughin’ as Ennis let loose.

When they arrived at suppertime, sweaty and freezin’ at the same time, John Twist looked at them sour, then sniffed. “Too close to sunset to be out ridin’.”

Ennis just looked at him, but Francie smiled big, said, “You didn’t need to worry.”

John’s face twisted into a grimace. “I wasn’t - . Ah, hell.” He stomped off toward the house, and Ennis, unbelievably, had to fight off laughter. The man was an asshole, wasn’t no doubt about it, still hardly speakin’ to Ennis, disgusted look comin’ over his face whenever for some reason he thought on Jack and Ennis, together. But he did have some feelin’s as was human. And he cared for Francie, he could tell. That went a ways in his book. Not far, but a ways. Maybe it’d help him not haul off and slug him next time he made a comment ‘bout faggots or sneered on Jack. Maybe.

Before he knew it, the girls were leavin’ again, and his heart ached bad. Weather seemed ta’ match his lonesome mood, wind howlin’ in proper from the east as the Greyhound pulled out. He slouched against the cold, tryin’ not to think how long it was till Jack’s visit. Tryin’ not to think how short it’d be - treasured days, then the partin’ again.

The days and nights blended together again, punctuated only by school nights and phone calls with the girls or, about once a week, Jack. They’d finished that Mockingbird book and was readin’ poetry now, somethin’ he found mainly worse than useless, but Ennis was still thinkin’ about Atticus and Scout some. His calls with Jack were good, but it felt like his own longin’s were makin’ them calls harder and harder.

Mid November, he steeled himself and drove up to Glen’s place. He’d never been, but despite askin’ around, he couldn’t find no one else folks spoke so highly on, Twist too. John’d refused to do it, mumblin’, “Think I know when someone knows horses better’n me.” Ennis had just stood there, shocked, starin’ at Twist’s back as he stalked off.

He’d phoned first to make sure Glen’d be around, and he had acted like nothin’ had happened, so at least he wasn’t gonna be a pain on that stuff. Still, Ennis had to force himself to get out of the truck when he pulled into Glen’s spread. He came out of the little house to meet him, and they shook hands like any guy’d do, after maybe a second’s slight pause.

“Come on back, I’ll show you the operation.” Glen led the way to a neat-lookin’ array of corrals and a coupla large barns. Off in the distance, Ennis could see groups of horses grazin’. Glen led him on a tour, mentionin’ his high standards, how he treated the animals, how he’d give his best advice on what animals was suited, dependin’ on what was needed.

After a while, he came to a stop, looked right at Ennis. “This is killin’ you, isn’t it?”

Ennis stared at his feet, mumbled, “Don’t know what ya’ mean.”

Glen snorted. “Look, Ennis, I know this is a little – awkward – but really, can we just forget all that? I mean, you could at least look at me when I’m talkin’ about the fuckin’ horses, even if you can’t end up bein’ a friend or nothin’.”

Ennis felt shamed, ‘cause he was doin’ that thing he did, thinkin’ if he avoided somethin’, maybe it’d go away. “Sorry. I’m not used to - .” He broke off. “Everyone said you was the best, bar none.”

“See. One of the reasons I like you.” Glen held up a hand, wardin’ off any possible protest. “As a fuckin’ person, Ennis. Principled man. Killin’ you, but you gotta get horses from me ‘cause folks said I’m the best.”

Ennis nodded. Fuck, it was hard, but - . “You’re not no bullshitter, that’s fer sure.”

“So can we say our Hallmark moment is over and get to business?” Glen laughed, but Ennis thought Glen actually was lookin’ for a friend, probably. Didn’t live in this place with no one, no wife no more, no – lover. Charlie’d been right – this part of Wyomin’ wasn’t no place for a man like Glen to find no company. Ennis didn’t feel ready to be a friend, and it didn’t seem quite right, neither, but the least he could do was talk to the man.

Ennis dredged up a smile. “Sure enough.”

It went okay after that, and Ennis made arrangements for addin’ to the ranch’s horses. They needed a coupla good work horses, minimum, and maybe somethin’ a little finer.

For the life of him Ennis hadn’t seen why they might need no fancier horse when Twist brought it up. Ennis’d said as much to Twist, who muttered, starin’ down at his feet, “Francie and me was talkin’ about maybe her showin’ one or two of ‘em. Trainin’ in the spring, when them girls come back.” Since that was the politest sentence John Twist had ‘bout ever said to Ennis, the nicest, too, he just nodded and said he’d keep an eye out, walked careful away. When Twist was sourer than ever for a few days after that, Ennis thought he understood, Twist no doubt feelin’ scared as hell having let out a secret part of himself no one ever saw. Ennis understood that real well.

Somethin’ about seein’ Glen made it hard ta’ hear Jack talkin’ about Bill the weekend after, during their regular phone call. Apparently he was healin’ some but goin’ through hell with people knowin’ about him.

He knew Jack was careful, real careful, how he talked about him, makin’ sure to talk about Bill enough so Ennis wouldn’t think he was hidin’ nothin’, but makin’ sure not to talk about him so much Ennis would think he cared too much. Ennis was kind of sick of it, even though he knew Jack was just tryin’ hard to do it all right. Wouldn’t have that problem if Jack’d kept his pants zipped, would he?

He’d been gettin’ itchy, too, wantin’ Jack here. Needin’ his laugh, his company, sure, but also – also his body. It was gettin’ damn old lyin’ in that bed wringin’ it out, thinkin’ on times past, times future. How the hell had he stood it all them years? Felt like he wanted to jump out of his skin sometimes, need come on him so strong to feel hard muscle under his hands, feel a man’s raspy cheek on his face.

Times like those, his thoughts swirled darker, thinkin’ on Jack feelin’ like this, yearnin’ for a man’s touch, but seekin’ and findin’ it. He knew Jack had meant it when he said it, but could he really keep away from other guys? Jack was quicksilver and lightnin’ and everything Ennis wasn’t, but he’d screwed other guys when Ennis wouldn’t even look at them. Jack could talk all he wanted ‘bout Cassie and all, but that was different, and he’d even admitted it. If Jack did screw around now, with him here in Lightnin’ Flat, he knew Jack’d never tell him about it, even though this was supposed to be about truth between them now. Just imaginin’ another man’s hand on Jack, another man’s voice in his ear, another man’s - . Fuck!

Suddenly, he was just tired of the whole thing. “Jack, I gotta go.”

“What? We just started talkin’.”

Ennis breathed in deep. “I just - .” He hauled in a breath of air.

“You okay, bud?” Jack’s voice came warm in his ear.

“Just have some stuff I gotta do,” Ennis mumbled.

Jack was quiet for a minute. “I wanna be there, you know that, right, Ennis?”

“Sure.” Even Ennis could hear the pout in his own voice.

“No. I really wanna be there. Bad. I’m just clearin’ the decks to get away. Gonna – gonna stay a long time this time.”

“That’d be good.”

“Listen, Ennis, in ten days I’m gonna be sittin’ there in that house with you, you got that?”

Ennis sighed. The anger of before was dissolvin’ into somethin’ almost worse - that nameless yearnin’ for Jack’s presence that’d haunted him through the years. “Yeah. I - . I miss you, is all.” It still was hard for him to say even that much.

“I ain’t screwin’ around, Ennis, if that’s what you were thinkin’.”

Damn, but that was frightenin’, Jack knowin’ him that well. But - . “Ain’t just that.”

“I know. Lonely beds and all that?” Jack’s voice was as close to tender as it could get over a phone line.

Song of Solomon, what he was referrin’ to, had to be - that line, By night on my bed I sought him who my soul loveth . . . . Must be, right?

Reminded Ennis what his job was these days. His job was hangin’ tough, not givin’ in to sadness or fear or jealousy or nothin’. His job was to love Jack, not let himself think on all the bad stuff. His job was to not let that nightmare win – instead, to call Jack home to him, gentle.

“Yeah, all that.” He took a breath. “We’ll have fun when you’re here.”

“Sure will. Ennis?”

“Yeah?”

Jack paused. “Nothin’. Just - . Just hang in there, okay?”

Ennis put his hand over his eyes for a second. He was supposed to be tellin’ that to Jack. “Yeah. Always, told you.”

“Yeah.” Jack’s voice was thick.

“Listen, Jack, let’s just – let’s not talk on the phone before then. It’s just – let’s just meet up in ten days.”

Jack didn’t protest like Ennis thought he would. He laughed a little, said, “Like old times, then?”

Ennis smiled too. Since he didn’t know why he wanted it, that sounded as good a reason as any. “You bet. But better.”

“You can say that again.” Jack sounded - happy, now Ennis thought about it. Glad feelin’ went through him he could do that for Jack. That was the important thing.

“Okay then,” Ennis said. “See you then.”

Jack said low and gentle into the phone, “See you then,” and hung up.

Each of the ten days went slower than the one before, till Ennis was half convinced he was in some kind of purgatory, forever dealin’ with cattle and horses and Twist, the sun inchin’ by ever-slower degrees through its arc.

When the day before Thanksgiving finally came, he was ‘bout ready to whip babies, he was that anxious to see Jack. Even Buck and Ken gave him a wide berth, so he must be radiatin’ some of his feelin’s. Suited him just fine, not wantin’ to have to talk to no one ‘bout nothin’ today.

He practically ran up the ragged track to the house when it got close to four, that bein’ the earliest Jack said he’d make it. He’d made some stuff last night and put it up in the fridge so he could just heat it up and serve it out tonight.

This time of year, it was getting’ on to sunset by four o’clock, and it was freezin’, the sky an ominous-lookin’ slate grey as he figured meant snow was on its way. He cleaned up quick in the shower and set some stuff in the oven, then got a beer and paced in front of the picture window as looked out over the drive.

Didn’t have to wait long, though it felt like forever, before Jack’s shiny truck came racin’ up the drive, Jack to all appearances bein’ as anxious for this reunion as him. He tucked the tails of the nice shirt he’d put on deeper into his pants, shrugged on his coat and gloves and stepped out onto the front porch. After all this time, his heart was still poundin’ fast knowin’ he was about to be with Jack, pulse soundin’ loud in his ears.

Jack’s truck peeled to a stop, and then after a breathless moment, Jack swung out of his truck, lookin’ like he did all them years ago after Ennis’s divorce came through. He spotted Ennis standing on the porch, pushed his hat back a little, black one that looked mighty fine on him, and a grin pulled up the corners of his mouth.

Somethin’ seemed different about Jack. He looked – lighter. Younger, too. Damn, he’d shaved that moustache, looked about twenty years old there in the falterin’ light.

Ennis’s heart stopped for a second, least that’s what it felt like, seein’ the echo of that younger Jack, standin’ right here, a few steps away. Little flakes of snow started fallin’ lightly, swirlin’ a little in the wind. Jack’s grin grew bigger, and Ennis felt an answerin’ smile tug on his own face.

“Jack,” he said.

Jack said, “Ennis,” and grinned a little wider.

A sudden gust of wind came strong out of the east. Ennis’s eyes was drawn to the back of Jack’s pickup – somethin’ was flappin’ around.

He gasped, out loud, felt like he couldn’t get no breath.

One corner of the tarp over the bed of the pickup had come undone a little, and he could see boxes, lots of ‘em, cardboard boxes like people used when they was movin’.

“Jack?” His voice sounded broken. Maybe Jack was just bringin’ some stuff to his folks’ house to store or somethin’, or - .

“Heard you was lookin’ for a roommate.” Jack, grinnin’ at him like a fool.

Ennis’s legs felt weak all of a sudden, and he couldn’t breathe. What he’d been dreamin’ of, happenin’ at last. Happenin’ so soon.

He bit his lip, looked off to the road that’d brought Jack here to him. A tiny sliver of fear crossed his mind. Two guys shackin’ up together, now that was something people were gonna notice sooner or later.

He looked back at Jack. Jack had followed Ennis’s gaze to the road, and his smile had faded just a little ‘round his eyes. He was lookin’ hard at Ennis. Ennis remembered that time when Jack’d come all the way to Riverton on the hope of Ennis’s divorce. Pain stabbed his heart thinkin’ on what he’d done to Jack then, all from fear.

That wasn’t gonna happen again. Not never again.

This time, he wasn’t gonna let the fear win. This time, he wasn’t gonna be lookin’ out to no road for fear of neighbors pokin’ their heads where they didn’t belong. This time, he wasn’t gonna push Jack away after no little hug. This time, he wasn’t gonna smash down the feelin’s he had, havin’ Jack Twist in his arms.

He looked straight into Jack’s eyes, looked out to the road, looked back at Jack and shook his head, quick and sharp. Then he smiled at Jack, puttin’ all his feelin’ into it, makin’ sure it reached his eyes.

Jack looked at Ennis, looked to the road, looked back at Ennis, and then the smile was back, full around his eyes.

Ennis took a step toward Jack, down the top porch step, said, hoarse, “Only one roommate I’m interested in.”

Jack’s grin turned warm and the crinkles ‘round his eyes grew even deeper.

Ennis had lots of experience at hidin’ feelin’s away in his head. He took that little sliver of fear, tucked it tight away, into the same place he’d tucked the love and the memories of Jack all them years. He tucked it away, locked it up, let his heart fill with the joy he felt seepin’ through his veins.

He looked at Jack. He was bitin’ his lip, feelin’s threatenin’ to overwhelm his grin, a beautiful sight, because it was Ennis as put those feelin’s there. His eyes were the deepest blue, his hair dark against the steely sky.

He had so many questions, ‘bout when Jack’d decided this, what was happenin’ in Childress, what it’d took for him to do this, but - . But time for that later - all that mattered was he was here, fuckin’ here, comin’ home.

Ennis took another step toward Jack, down the second porch step.

Jack’s grin had faded a little, but this time not to bitter – this time to a smile as warmed Ennis to his toes, the warmth radiatin’ out of his eyes like the heat of their campfire on a frigid high-altitude night. A warmth laced with past sorrow and with hope.

Could this really be happenin’? Could a man such as him deserve this, a second chance at such a precious thing?

Ennis felt gratitude well up inside him, gratitude for all the things as had made this happen.

He looked out to the road again, this time feelin’ no fear, but only gratitude that it was the road as had brought Jack home to him.

This time, the only reason he’d look out to the road was to bless it for bein’ the road as brought Jack home to him. This time, he was gonna hold Jack close and not let go. This time, he was gonna live his feelin’s, let them come, let himself feel, for the first time ever, all he really felt for this man.

He looked at Jack one more time, and didn’t stop lookin’. He felt his own smile get all quivery, but he didn’t care, ‘cause this was Jack.

Ennis took another step toward Jack, steppin’ onto the hard cold ground at the bottom of those porch steps, and then they were flyin’ into each others’ arms, huggin’ like they wasn’t never lettin’ go, huggin’ so tight Ennis couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t care, he didn’t need air when Jack Twist was in his arms like this. “Jack,” Ennis whispered, bit of a hitch in his voice, but he didn’t care.

Jack said, “Sonofabitch,” back to him, and they was still huggin’, huggin’ tight like they always did, but more. Ennis buried his face in Jack’s neck, breathed, “Jack” again right up against his skin, breathin’ in the scent of Jack, his man, come home to his arms.

Felt like he could hardly stand up, like he was bein’ sucked in deep by that whirlpool of feelin’ that always tried to claim him, but this time – this time, he let go. He let go of land, let go of tryin’ to fight it, let it pull him where it wanted to go, and then he was kissin’ Jack, kissin’ him fierce and hard and tender and sweet all at once. There was wet on their lips, and he didn’t know or care whether it was tears or meltin’ snow, or if it was tears whose they was, ‘cause this was Jack, and you only got one life ta’ live so why not live it real.

They broke the kiss finally for air, and Ennis noticed the snow was fallin’ harder. He tried to push Jack away – he maintained enough awareness, barely, ta’ know they were outside – but Jack just pulled him tighter, kissin’ him hard, and Ennis relaxed into the feelin’ of bein’ matched strength for strength, a male body strong as his own snugged up tight against him. Honestly, he could give a flyin’ fuck right now whether anyone saw them.

The snow was fallin’ harder now, and Ennis could feel ice under his hands in Jack’s hair, felt the points where they connected as the only points of heat in the whole frozen landscape.

Ennis felt like he’d never be able to get his fingers to let go of Jack, so he just kept holdin’ on, huggin’ him tight to him, tryin’ to believe this was really happenin’. He felt Jack shiver in his arms, and pulled his mouth off him to laugh. “Better get your wimpy Texas ass inside before you freeze to death.”

Jack shoved Ennis off him and snorted. His eyes were bright and dancin’. “Is that any way ta’ welcome me?”

Ennis felt a grin split his own face, but it faded slowly as he looked hard at Jack. Under the joy, deep tiredness. “No. Ain’t no way to welcome you. Jack - .” Ennis’s hand crept up to cup Jack’s face. His throat closed up, and he felt the old shyness come down on him hard. Was he goin’ to stand out here in front of the whole world and speak his feelin’s to this man?

Jack’s eyes were warm, and Ennis knew there was tears standin’ in his own eyes.

A cold, hard wind buffeted them, rattled the tarp on the truck bed. Jack shivered, and Ennis could see his lips was a little blue. He pried his fingers open from their clutchin’, said, “Let’s go in, Jack.”

Jack nodded and they turned towards the porch. Ennis had a thought, stopped and nodded back toward the truck. “That stuff’s goin’ to get dumped on. I can start movin’ it in – you should go in and warm up.”

Jack shook his head, went to fix the tarp down tight where it’d blown off. “Nah. I got the stuff in the cab that can’t get wet. We can bring in the stuff in the back later.”

The wind was pickin’ up now, blowin’ icy missiles into their faces. “If you say so,” Ennis said.

At the front door, Ennis paused, struck with the shock of what was happening. Was this real? Felt like a dream, except for the stingin’ wind lashin’ his face and hands. His gloved hand on the doorknob looked so familiar, same gloved workman’s hand as had opened his lonely trailer door every evenin’ in his nightmare, on down through old age. He stared at his hand, momentarily frozen, remembrin’.

Then soft, Jack’s hand, cased in brown, came to lie on top of his. Ennis turned, and there was Jack, next to him on the porch, huddlin’ into the wimpy collar of his coat. Jack was lookin’ at Ennis with an expression – what was it? Disbelief, fear, sorrow, and underneath – underneath a bubblin’ hope, somethin’ that hadn’t been in Jack’s eyes for a long time.

Somethin’ seemed to be needed, before they took a step inside, a moment neither of them probably really had thought would come. Suddenly, Ennis felt shy and strange, waitin’ on the threshold with this man. Jack looked a little sheepish, too, and Ennis smiled despite himself. Maybe he didn’t need to say anythin’. This was Jack, and they’d been friends a long, long time.

He turned the knob, then turned his hand up, grasped Jack’s hand lightly. He cleared his throat, had to raise his voice a little over the rising wind, “Come in, Jack – you’re goin’ to freeze yer ass off out here.”

Jack laughed and pushed the door open , and then they were inside, hands clasped, and Ennis shut the door behind them.

Jack shivered and laughed. “I forgot how fuckin’ cold it is here in the winter.”

Ennis chuckled. “Ain’t near winter yet, bud.” He shook his head. “You’ve been livin’ down ta’ Texas too long.”

Jack sobered and smiled, a half smile. “That I have.”

Ennis felt his heart squeeze, and reached to brush away a few flakes of snow in Jack’s dark hair. “Yeah, well, we got to get you used to livin’ here, then.”

Jack smiled warm, but Ennis could see how tired he looked under the smilin’. Ice was startin’ to melt off Jack’s hair and shoulders, drippin’ onto the entry tile.

They stood there then, awkward, little smile on both their lips, Ennis’s hand lowered to Jack’s shoulder. Ennis knew he should say somethin’, break the silence, welcome Jack. Time ticked away, and they was still starin’ at each other, little smile on each of their faces. He really needed to say somethin’.

“Do you - ?” They both spoke at the same instant, then laughed. Jack grinned. “Look at us, Ennis – actin’ like we ain’t been goin’ at it for twenty years.”

“Yeah.” Ennis felt Jack shiver again, smelled the food he’d put in the oven earlier. “You hungry? I made some stuff.”

Jack smiled at him. “Starvin’.” He shot Ennis a look under his eyelashes as could heat the whole state. “And not just for food.”

Ennis’s whole body reacted, just like it always did, to Jack. Automatic, he stepped forward, closer. He could picture it all – havin’ Jack right now, lettin’ the heat between them kindle from spark to flame. His breathin’ had sped up again, and so had Jack’s, whose eyes were darkenin’ even as Ennis watched. But - but this was different than always, least it should be, right? This shouldn’t be like all them other times, ‘cause this was special – beyond special. Jack was movin’ here, movin’ in.

He took a step back, away from Jack – not easy. Jack leaned forward, automatic, followin’ Ennis’s body, and he needed all his will to not react, lean in like his body wanted so bad. Jack musta seen it in his eyes, ‘cause he smiled, warm smile from the heart, said, “You’re right. Let’s eat.”

Jack walked toward the kitchen, grinned back over his shoulder. “You been slavin’ all day?”

Ennis snorted. “That’ll be the day.” But as they put the food out on the table, he got a little shy, seein’ all he’d done. Jack’s eyes were dancin’, but he musta decided not to tease, only commentin’ on how good the chicken dish was. Ennis’d asked Junior ‘bout it, followed her recipe, puttin’ some mushroom soup in with some rice and chicken. He’d thought there wasn’t no way he could eat, but he’d hardly been able to swallow a bite the past coupla days, bein’ so keyed up for Jack’s visit.

But it wasn’t just a visit, was it? His fork stopped halfway to his mouth, and he had to breathe hard for a minute. Holy shit – Jack was here, was fuckin’ movin’ here, and they were sittin’ around the table eatin’ dinner?

“You alright?” Jack was lookin’ at him over his beer, knowin’ look in his eyes.

“I -.” He swallowed. “Yeah. It’s just - .” Ennis waved to the table, Jack, the blue walls around them.

“Yeah.” Jack took a last swig of his beer, stood up. He walked over to where Ennis sat, reached a hand to stroke soft over Ennis’s cheek. Ennis was helpless, turned to stone on the force of his feelin’s, starin’ up into the blue of Jack’s eyes. Jack smiled, tender, said, “I’m gonna shower. Meet you in bed.”

It wasn’t really a question, but Ennis nodded, lost in lookin’ at Jack’s lips, his eyes, the hair curlin’ dark and silver ‘round his face. He reached up a shaky hand, traced light over Jack’s top lip. Jack’s eyes closed when Ennis’s finger touched him. “You shaved it.”

Jack’s eyes opened, and Ennis was fallin’ into them, like always. Jack murmured, “Fresh start.” Ennis’s heart leaped a little, and he managed to say, “Look nineteen again.”

Somehow their lips had drifted close, but Jack pushed off, headed for the bathroom, just said low, back over his shoulder, “Come to bed.”

Ennis cleared the table and put up the food as could spoil. He heard the shower go off, and started to wash the dishes. He stopped when he saw how bad his hands were shakin’, just stood there, braced against the sink, suckin’ in breaths. What was wrong with him? Jack was waitin’ for him, waitin’ in that bed he’d bought without much hope of this day ever comin’.

“Ennis! Get in here!” Jack’s bellow, echoin’ down the hall.

Strange feelin’ of déjà vu hit him, and he walked, slow, down the hall, made it to the bedroom. Ennis suddenly felt dizzy, and he leaned heavy ‘gainst the door jamb. The doorway seemed to shimmer ‘round him.

Suddenly, other doorways presented themselves in his head, stark and strong.

The door at Jack’s house in Childress – the harsh desperate fuck up against it.

The door of Jack’s truck, bangin’ shut on Jack, turned away sad and angry after drivin’ a thousand miles ta’ come see Ennis after his divorce.

The door of that flea-bitten dive motel out the highway from Riverton, their passion after four years apart unleashed before the door could bang all the way shut behind them.

“Ennis?” Jack sounded funny. “Y’ alright?”

Ennis blinked, then sucked in a breath. There was Jack, lyin’ in the bed, covers to his waist, the light from one little lamp paintin’ the muscle on his chest with golden shadows. He felt his heart stutter on the sight, his legs weaken. Jack’d lain like this – just like this – that second night back on the mountain. On his back, up on his elbows, chest bare and silky.

His heart had near hammered out of his chest, standin’ crouched at that doorway, their first doorway, the tent flap. His eyes hadn’t been able to figure where ta’ look, drawn by force to Jack’s man’s body and deep warm eyes, drawn by fear to lookin’ down, away, anywhere but at Jack.

“Ennis?”

Ennis blinked again and he was here, now, standin’ in the doorway of his – their – bedroom, and Jack was starin’ at him, searchin’ look on his face.

Ennis managed a smile that felt weak even to him, pried his fingers off the door jamb and stumbled blind ta’ sit down, hard, on the edge of the bed near Jack. Jack’s warm hand came up to clasp on Ennis’s arm.

“You alright? You look like you seen a ghost.” Jack sounded worried.

Ennis turned to look down on Jack. A ghost. Was Jack, warm and golden in his bed, a ghost? A specter from his nightmares, haunting him with what could have been? A dream Jack, a dream life?

Jack’s forehead wrinkled, and his hand stroked up to Ennis’s shoulder. His voice was gentle. “What’s wrong?”

Ennis swallowed, couldn’t keep his eyes on Jack. “This a dream, Jack?” His voice came out rough, mumbled down toward his lap.

Jack sat up all the way, and his hand cupped ‘round the side of Ennis’s face, drew it up gentle so Ennis was lookin’ at him. “Ain’t a dream, Ennis. S’alright.”

Ennis shut his eyes and he was back in that tent on Brokeback, then he was in his nightmare, thinkin’ back on them times, starin’ at a dime postcard tacked to his closet.

“Ennis!” Jack’s hand shook Ennis’s cheek a little and his eyes flew open. Jack seemed to be searchin’ Ennis’s face for somethin’. Jack smiled a little, ran his finger light up Ennis’s cheek. “This feel like a dream, Ennis?” Jack brought his other hand up ta’ cup his other cheek, brushed his thumbs soft on Ennis’s cheekbones.

Ennis’s eyes fluttered closed on the feelin’, then wrenched open again on an indrawn breath, seein’ Jack’s hands, hands that were strokin’ him so gentle, curled ‘round chunks of gravel by the side of some highway, facin’ up to the blue of the sky.

Jack’s eyes looked understandin’ and his hand slid back, so gentle, to curl ‘round the back of Ennis’s neck. Jack came close, till all Ennis could see was his eyes. “This feel like a dream, Ennis?” Jack whispered, runnnin’ his cheek soft up against Ennis’s cheek, brushin’ his nose up against Ennis’s and just breathin’, hoverin’ near Ennis’s mouth but not touchin’. Ennis felt Jack’s breath, warm on his own lips when he breathed out. Ennis shook his head just a little. “No,” he whispered back, but it was the faintest sound.

Jack said, “This feel like a dream?” and moved his lips the fraction of an inch to press soft and hot on Ennis’s lips, just a second, then gone.

“No.” Ennis’s voice had a little sigh behind it now. Smell of Jack, feel of Jack breathin’ on his face, hand curled in his hair, body warm and right there.

Then Jack lowered his mouth a little, tilted Ennis’s face away, kissed Ennis’s neck, kissed a slow, warm trail up his jaw, till Ennis’s mouth turned, seekin’ Jack’s.

This time Jack lingered, pressin’ his lips hard into Ennis’s, then rubbin’ them as he lifted off.

Ennis’s breath was comin’ faster and so was Jack’s, but Jack pulled back, whispered fierce, “Ain’t no dream, Ennis, you believin’ that yet?”

Ennis wanted to say yes, he believed it, but his nightmares walked stalking behind his eyelids, mocking him. Truth was his nightmares did feel like this, when he was in them. And that future Ennis he’d seen, old and dried up, wakin’ day after day in his solitary bed, had clung onto the dreams of Jack as had graced him, dreams so real he woke up covered with spunk and sometimes tears.

Jack was pulled back a little now, lookin’ hard into Ennis’s face.

Ennis swallowed. “Jack, I been dreamin’ you died.”

“Yeah, you told me.” Jack just waited, lookin’ steady into Ennis.

“You died and my life was - .” He swallowed again, hard, looked down. “Was empty. Except if I dreamed ‘bout you.” He looked up into Jack’s eyes again, feelin’ exposed. “When I did - dream about you - it was somethin’ I could hold onto that day.” He shook his head. “Pathetic.”

“Some dream.” Jack’s voice was level, careful.

“Well, it ain’t enough.” Ennis looked into Jack’s face again. “Don’t want no half full glass no more, Jack. Want this to be real.”

Jack looked at Ennis hard, searchin’ his face. Suddenly, he sat up, swung up off the bed, gloriously naked, started pullin’ on his jeans. “Come on.”

“Whut?” Ennis’s head felt fuzzy. What the hell? “Jack, what’re you doing?”

Jack was flickin’ his shirt buttons closed, slippin’ his boots on.

“Jack!”

Jack paused in the doorway, slippin’ his arms into that god-awful parka. Aimed a grin at Ennis as could light up the power grid for the county. “Get your coat and gloves. Follow me.”

“What the – Jack! It’s fuckin’ freezin’ outside!”

“I know. Why you need your coat.” Another blindin’ grin, and then Jack walked off fast down the hall. Ennis launched himself to his feet. It was just like Jack to pull some damn fool crazy stunt.

Ennis had to stop, gasp in a little air. It was like Jack used to be. How many years had it been since Jack had startled Ennis with some wild plan?

Too long, that’s how long it had been.

Jack was already at the front door, pullin’ on his gloves.

Thinkin’ about the weather outside that door, thinkin’ about how Jack probably kinda liked him to bitch, Ennis tried again. “Jack, it’s fuckin’ November in Wyomin’.”

Jack ignored him, and Ennis grabbed his coat, grumblin’, “Winter, for all intents.”

The air was icy when they went outside, but the wind had died down with the fall of actual night. The moon was peekin’ out in a clear space between clouds, shinin’ white on a few patches of snow.

Jack had taken off, walkin’ fast towards the back of their little drive.

Ennis took off after him, called out, “The fuck we goin’, Jack? We’re gonna freeze our balls off.”

“Ain’t goin’ far,” Jack shot back, stoppin’ at the base of the huge old oak, the one as had been blasted by lightnin’ back in the summer, the night Jack had arrived.

Jack was circlin’ the trunk now, seemin’ to be feeling around for somethin’. “Got it! Give me a boost, Ennis.”

“What the hell, Jack?” Ennis came close. Jack had his hands stretched up the tree trunk, looked back over his shoulder at Ennis. “Hands. Boost.”

Shakin’ his head, Ennis laced his fingers together, made a step for Jack. Jack stepped in with one foot, felt around up in the tree for a second, said, “Yup. Got it.” He pushed his foot hard against Ennis’s hands, then disappeared up into the tree.

His voice came disembodied from above Ennis’s head. “Here, I’ll give you a hand. The bottom ones are missing, but there’s rungs a ways up you can use.” Jack’s gloved hand appeared in the moonlight.

Ennis took a breath to protest, stopped himself, clasped Jack’s hand. Sure enough, his foot found a rung high up the trunk, and with Jack’s strong pull, he was suddenly level with some kind of platform, up there in the branches. He swung himself up, wary, freezin’ when the boards under him made an ominous creakin’ sound.

Damn, this was some kind of kid’s fort or something. He musta missed seein’ it ‘cause most of the year it’d be hidden by leaves. And since the tree was blasted, he’d probably been avoidin’ lookin’ at it anyway, it being one of the things on his list he hadn’t gotten to yet, in the rush of summer and fall jobs ‘round the ranch. Maybe partly hadn’t wanted to deal with it ‘cause it reminded him of Jack’s visit, too.

“Come ‘ere. Lie back.” Jack, lyin’ on his back on the platform.

Ennis crawled carefully over, lay down ginger on his back. The branches of the tree rose high into the air above them, barren and stark against the moonlit sky. Ennis felt Jack, a warmth all along his side where they were touchin’. Their breath showed in white puffs.

After a bit, he asked, “What is this, Jack?”

Jack chuckled. “Don’t seem like much, does it? Took me forever to do it. Had to be careful, make sure my daddy never caught me.”

Knowin’ a bit about John Twist, Ennis said careful, “I kin imagine.”

Jack laughed. “Ya’ shoulda seen me, Ennis, sneakin’ old boards from the back o’ the barn after dark.”

Jack was quiet for a minute, and Ennis thought back, reluctant, on that photo in the dining room, Jack so young and still full o’ life. What would it take ta’ keep yer spirits up, daddy like that? Hell, he himself’d been pretty beat down by life pretty young, and he hadn’t had nobody tellin’ him he was worthless every day. ‘Course, life had done a pretty good job of that by itself. “How old was ya’, y’think?”

Jack thought for a minute. “Probably nine or so, guessin’.”

“Mm.” Ennis could picture that real good, little boy draggin’ boards up here, week by week. “You bring people here?”

He could feel Jack shakin’ his head next to him. “Nah. You’re it. Was a place ta’ – be by myself. Think ‘bout stuff.”

Ennis said soft, “Get away.”

“Yeah.” Jack’s voice, softer still.

Ennis was gettin’ cold now, ‘cept the side of him as was snugged up next to Jack. “So, what’s this got ta’ do with me thinkin’ this is a dream?”

Jack laughed, and Ennis could feel the vibratin’ of the boards shiver his whole body. “I don’t know what the fuck I was thinkin’. Just seemed - .” He trailed off, and Ennis’s love and longin’ surged up strong. He knew, least he thought he did – what it was. Maybe Jack was thinkin’ on how, even then, he was lookin’ for a friend, a spark in the dark night.

Ennis rose up on an elbow over Jack, looked down. He could see Jack clear, bright moonlight filterin’ to where they lay. Jack wasn’t laughin’ now, face gone serious and thoughtful.

“I think I get it,” Ennis said, soft and low. “Maybe – .” Damn this was hard to say out loud, but this was Jack, come home to him. “Maybe, you was like me, yearnin’ on findin’ a friend.”

Jack stared at him. Ennis surged on. “And it ain’t a dream, yer tryin’ ta’ tell me, ‘cause here’s this fallin’ apart place ya’ made back ‘fore you even knew me. It’s about souls.” Ennis felt exhausted from the storm of words, especially sayin’ the word “souls,” and knew it’d come out all wrong, didn’t make any sense, but Jack sighed out, brought his hand up ta’ stroke, tender, on the side of Ennis’s face. His voice was tender, too, and warm. “Now that, Ennis del Mar, is some of the finest words you’ve ever spoke ta’ me.”

Ennis felt his own answerin’ smile, felt the slight tug on his head from Jack’s hand at the same instant he’d already started his descent toward Jack’s lips. Soft, like the snow that was startin’ to fall again, their kiss lingered till both their lips warmed. Pullin’ off was hard, but worth it to see Jack’s smile, the smile he only gave ta’ Ennis, moments like these. Jack didn’t try ta’ hide nothin’ of his feelin’s when he said, lookin’ straight into Ennis’s eyes, “Souls yearnin’.”

There, in the hush of the night, lyin’ in a secret place no one else had ever seen, Ennis could answer back a soft-breathed, “Yes.”

Jack’s smile faded, and Ennis felt the heat as was always there between them start ta’ thread in amongst the sweet. Jack felt it too, he could tell, his eyes darkenin’ there in the moonlight. Jack’s voice came out silky, a bit rough ‘round the edges. “Ennis.”

Ennis didn’t need the tug on his head this time ta’ know Jack wanted a kiss as bad as he did, and this time, wasn’t no tender kiss, but one laced with heat, Jack’s mouth openin’ under him the second their lips touched, Jack’s hands comin’ ‘round Ennis to tug him down.

Ennis was losin’ himself in this, like he always did, and this time – this time, weren’t no reins on the thing. Jack was shakin’ underneath him, and he wasn’t feelin’ too steady himself, Jack’s body surgin’ up to his, his own body on fire with Jack’s taste, his smell, the feel of him under his hands.

Ennis rolled full on top of Jack, heard a bit of creakin’ from the fuckin’ tree fort, but ignored it in favor of pressin’ down all along Jack’s willin’ body.

Next he knew, Jack was pushin’ him away, sayin, “Ennis,” voice hoarse.

“Huh?” Ennis was focused on Jack’s lips, wet and full, so close underneath his own that –

“Ennis!”

Ennis focused on Jack, who was grinnin’ again, happy light in his eye. “Whut?”

“We should go inside. It’s fuckin’ November in Wyomin’. We’re goin’ to freeze our asses off.”

Ennis huffed out a breath, tried ta’ keep a straight face. “Well, and whose fuckin’ idea was it ta’ come out here to do this dang fool thing anyway, Jack? You was lyin’ there all snug in the bed “– he leered down at Jack, purposely – “then next thing I know we’re up here freezin’ our balls off.”

Jack’s grin grew wider. “Yeah? Well, fuck you.”

Ennis couldn’t help it, his lips twitched a little. “I don’t think so, Jack. Fuck you, I’m thinkin’.”

Jack laughed, big belly laugh as made Ennis feel happy down ta’ his toes. “Only if you kin catch me,” he shot at Ennis, suddenly sittin’ up and slitherin’ down off the fort in one smooth motion, settin’ off a sickenin’ shakin’ that kept Ennis frozen in place fer a breath or two. He heard Jack hit the snow safely on the ground below, and crawled over ta’ the edge to feel down with his feet for the old wooden boards Jack’d nailed into that tree so long ago. “Oh, I’ll catch you, Jack, and when I do - .”

Jack’s delighted laugher rang back through the frozen night. Ennis dropped to the ground easy and ran after Jack, arrivin’, pantin’, at the house’s front door just as Jack had fumbled it open. Ennis threw himself up against Jack, laughin’, gasped out, “Got you now.”

Jack chortled, panted, “We’ll see ‘bout that,” and pushed on backwards through the door.

Then they was inside, and Ennis used the momentum ta’ push Jack back against the inside of the door, which closed hard behind him.

They was both still laughin’, and Jack looked like he had all them years ago when they’d horsed around like this.

Jack was pantin’, and so was Ennis. Ennis’s hands were on Jack’s shoulders, pinnin’ him against the door, though Jack sure wasn’t fightin’ it. In fact, Jack was gettin’ that look – the special look – as said there was one thing he wanted, and yesterday wouldn’t be too soon. His eyes were huge, darkenin’ by the second. His pantin’ didn’t stop, but now it wasn’t from runnin’.

Ennis felt it rise up strong inside – the need for Jack, frightenin’ in its strength. When it took hold of him, weren’t nothin’ as could stand in its way. And this time – fuck. Stronger than ever, and Jack lookin’ at him with that half-drowned expression, eyes focused on Ennis’s mouth.

He leaned in harder, puttin’ more weight on Jack’s shoulders. Jack whispered, “Ennis.” Ennis moved his hands, slow, down Jack’s arms, tracin’ the muscle, till he reached Jack’s hands, took them and held them, pressin’ them softly into the door.

Jack’s breathin’ sped up even more, and Ennis saw only Jack’s lips, his eyes, his rapidly movin’ chest under his shirt. This time, when Ennis leaned in ta’ kiss Jack, Jack surged up ta’ meet him, mouth already open, their tongues dancin’ before they’d hardly touched.

And then Ennis was on fire, draggin’ Jack’s hands up next ta’ his head on the door, pressin’ against Jack with his whole body, shiverin’ feeling Jack’s hardness through his jeans, the stupid parka havin’ conveniently ridden up.

Jack was meltin’ under him, same as always, liquid under his mouth and his body, and Ennis’s whole self narrowed down ta’ this feelin’, the feelin’ of needin’ Jack. No wonder this had scared him, overwhelmin’ as it was, like a rip current draggin’ him helpless out ta’ sea.

Jack moaned into his mouth, writhin’ up against him, and fuck, it’d been so long. Jack ripped his mouth away, gasped, “Ennis.”

Ennis heard himself growl, shoved himself even harder against Jack. He let Jack’s hands go, and they was fumblin’ at each others’ clothes. Ennis was desperate to feel Jack’s skin under his fingers, practically rippin’ at the fuckin’ parka, then givin’ up and goin’ for Jack’s jeans.

Jack’s hand was fumblin’ in the pocket of that god-awful thing, and then he was pushin’ a tube into Ennis’s hands and startin’ to turn ‘round. For a second Ennis’s brain stopped functioning on the thought of fuckin’ Jack here, standin’ up, right now, up against the door. He had to press down, hard, on that thought, along with his dick, risin’ up strong from his undone zip, ‘cause damn if he wasn’t ‘bout two seconds away from comin’.

But somethin’ was wrong, this wasn’t right, this wasn’t – “Stop, Jack.” His voice came out rough and low, but he pushed on Jack’s arm to stop him from turnin’ ‘round.

“What?” Jack’s voice sounded drowned, with that desperate edge it sometimes got.

Everythin’ in Ennis wanted to spin Jack around, do what they both wanted right then and there, but – “Ain’t right.”

Jack managed ta’ gasp, “What? Come on, Ennis!”

Ennis shook his head, panted, “It - . I thought. First time here should be – you know – special. Bed and all.”

Jack’s eyes seemed ta’ focus and soften a little, but his voice was still hoarse and low. “Plenty of time fer that, Ennis. Told you, this ain’t a dream.”

“But - .” Ennis could feel the heat risin’ off Jack, felt his own body tremblin’ in time. “Don’t want it ta’ be just – just sex, y’know?”

Jack looked straight into his eyes, panted for breath. “When the hell’s it ever been just sex, Ennis?”

Ennis felt somethin’ squeeze his heart, gasped in a breath.

Jack’s eyes were dark, his voice strong. “And this is fuckin’ special. This is our house. Our house. We can screw around anywhere we want, any time. I don’t need no fancy words, no ro-man-tic bedroom.” He held up a hand. “Not that I don’t appreciate that. You know I do. But Ennis - .” Jack’s voice went lower, silk on Ennis’s skin. “But if we wanna fuck up against the door our first time, that’s all the ‘special’ I need.”

Ennis stood a second, pole-axed, lightnin’ runnin’ up his spine on Jack’s words. All he could think of was Jack’s mouth sayin’ the words “fuck against the door” and that this was Jack, here under his hands. He saw Jack’s lips quirk a little, knowin’, no doubt, how he made Ennis feel.

Ennis’s own mouth pulled up a little. “Well then, Jack.” He leaned forward, plundered Jack’s mouth with his tongue, pulled out, leavin’ them both pantin’.

“Well then, Jack fuckin’ Twist.” He leaned in again, same moment as Jack was leanin’ up for his mouth, kissed Jack rough till he had ta’ pull up for air.

“Then – “ he spun Jack around, effortlessly, no resistance from Jack, against the door, whispered hot into Jack’s ear, “Then fuck you up against the door is exactly what I’m gonna do.”

Jack gasped, said, “Oh, God,” reachin’ back for Ennis and pullin’ him flush against him.

And God, the feel of Jack, clothes still on ‘cept pants pulled down, his own jeans still up, only unzipped, snow meltin’ between them. Damn, it was too much, it was overwhelmin’. He fumbled the tube open, slid a slick finger down Jack and in, no teasin’, just raw need drivin’ him now, need ta’ be inside Jack, tell him with his body all them things he always felt.

Jack was moanin’ now, chantin’, “Ennis, Ennis,” and then Ennis had two fingers in him.

Jack writhed back onto Ennis’s fingers, hissin’. Ennis pulled ‘em out, and Jack whined, sound that traveled straight down Ennis’s spine and hardened his dick ta’ painful. Wasn’t nothin’ stoppin’ him now, Jack was right – they could do whatever they wanted, ‘cause they was together, Jack was here, and – and then he was inside Jack, pushin’ in slow, so’s not to hurt him, though all of him wanted ta’ slam home.

Jack was scrabblin’ at the door, goin’ up on his elbows and anglin’ his ass back more, so Ennis got a hand at his waist ta’ help pull him back better. Jack yelled, “Fuck,” at the new angle, and Ennis groaned, loud in the empty house. Jack said fierce, “Fuck me, Ennis, that’s it.”

Ennis scrambled for control, on the verge of spillin’, managed ta’ slow down a little, windin’ the fingers of one hand into one of Jack’s hands, lettin’ his head fall ta’ the back of Jack’s, his lips nibblin’ on Jack’s nape.

Jack sighed, and whispered fierce, muffled into the door, “Ain’t had no one since I saw you,” and it was impossible, his nibblin’ at Jack’s neck became a bite, and Jack arched under him, moanin’ sweet and low.

Ennis let go on that, let go of his last bit of control, angled good and drove into Jack. Oh, God, the sweet tight slide was makin’ him insane, feel of Jack’s strong body under him, smell of man’s sweat in the air. He reached his hand ta’ curl ‘round Jack’s cock, and Jack pounded on the door – once, twice – and then he was comin’, clutchin’ Ennis’s one hand tight in his, coatin’ his other hand with his warm spunk, groanin’ ta’ wake the dead.

Ennis pounded in again hard, once, twice, and then he was over the top, pullin’ Jack to him like a drownin’ man, teeth on Jack’s neck. His groan shook them both, and all he could feel was Jack, everywhere, inside him and outside.

And maybe this’d been right, after all, seein’ as how this was one more door for them, this time the door to their house – couldn’t get more special than that.

All his feelin’s fer Jack were wellin’ up, same as they always did times like these, but there wasn’t no need ta’ say nothin’ ‘less they felt like it, them havin’ said pretty much everythin’ as needed ta’ be said. He kissed Jack’s neck, tender this time, ruffled his hair with his nose, whispered, “Jack,” broken-soundin’, in his hair. Jack’s fingers clenched tighter ‘round Ennis’s hand, and Ennis squeezed ‘em back.

Jack sagged a little, and Ennis slipped out, unlaced their fingers, turned Jack gentle in his hands. “Y’alright? I come at ya’ kinda hard.” His voice came out husky. Jack’s eyebrow quirked up and he got a little smile on his face. “What d’ya think?”

Ennis smiled back, helpless ta’ resist him. Jack’s hair was crinklin’ up from dryin’ in the warmth of the house, and his face was glowin’ in the soft light cast by the lamp they’d left on in the kitchen.

Ennis harrumphed. “I think you better take off that sissy parka, fer a start.”

Jack grinned fer real now, pushed up off the door. “You don’t like it, why don’t you take it off me?”

Happiness wellin’ up inside, Ennis sighed, rollin’ his eyes good for show. “Don’t you never get enough, Jack?”

Jack smiled wicked, smile as could heat up the winter prairie. He drawled, lettin’ the Texas twang on through, “Don’t never get enough of you, Cowboy.”

Ennis tugged on Jack, delight bubblin’ up strong. “Come on. Let’s get ya’ warmed up.”

“Mmm.” Jack grinned, but Ennis could see Jack was startin’ to shiver for real.

“Fool Texan,” Ennis muttered, workin’ on the complicated zip ta’ Jack’s coat, tryin’ to shove his own boots off with his feet while Jack worked on the buttons of Ennis’s coat. “Let’s warm ya’ up in the shower again, huh?”

“You bet.” Jack nodded.

“Then we’ll get you in bed, get ya’ some rest, hear?”

Jack just kicked off his jeans, trailed a line o’ clothes toward the bedroom. By the time Ennis got there, Jack had the shower runnin’ good and hot. Ennis slipped in with Jack, knowin’ now ‘bout showerin’ with someone, together like this. He sighed along with Jack at how good it felt, balm ta’ his achy body.

Jack sighed. “Ain’t as young as I used ta’ be.”

Ennis had soaped up his hands, started kneadin’ Jack’s shoulders, mumbled, “Couldn’t tell it by me.”

Jack snorted, and Ennis let his hands roam free, strokin’ over Jack’s strong back, his hard ass, down his muscled legs. He soaped his hair, tipped his head back to rinse, all them things he’d thought on, memories of the horrible and wonderful time, there at Bill’s cabin.

“Damn, that feels good,” Jack murmured.

“Turn ‘round then, Jack,” Ennis said, soapin’ his hands again, spendin’ a lot of time on Jack’s chest and arms, which always made him a little crazy with longin’, gentle over Jack’s cock and balls, nestled in the dark hair as he often thought on, alone in the late night hours, Jack’s cock strugglin’ a little ta’ come back ta’ life, or so it seemed ta’ him.

Then – what the hell – somethin’ he’d been thinkin’ of fer a long, long while, at least since their first shower together in them Texas mountains. He slipped down ta’ his knees, warm water cascadin’ all ‘round him, soaped up Jack’s feet and calves, then on up ta’ his thighs, feelin’ the corded muscle taut under the skin.

He brought his hands up soft again ta’ Jack’s balls, and yeah, his dick had definitely been takin’ an interest in the proceedin’s, and now he looked up at Jack, who was starin’ down at him like he was some kinda vision.

“Jack.” Ennis’s voice came out all rumbly. Jack nodded. “Occurs ta’ me there’s lots o’ stuff ya’ never showed me yet you can do in a shower.”

Jack just stared down at him for a moment, then swallowed. “Ennis, you don’t gotta - .”

Ennis smiled and took Jack’s hardenin’ dick right into his mouth, heard Jack’s head clunk back hard against the shower stall, heard him swear.

Ennis ran one hand up Jack’s leg ta’ fondle his balls, the other behind ta’ snug his ass in tight, took him deep and fast. Fuck, it’d been forever since he’d had Jack’s cock in his mouth, and now he let himself fully feel how the excitement of this coursed through him, the pleasure of havin’ Jack in his mouth multiplied by the water fallin’ all ‘round them, seemin’ ta’ cradle them both in their own secret world.

Jack’s gasps and moans went straight to his cock, along with the hot heavy glide of Jack’s dick deep in his mouth, even down into his throat. Felt like surrender and victory both, there on his knees pleasurin’ Jack like this, and when Jack came hard, surgin’ into his mouth, he swallowed as much as he could before Jack pulled him up, frantic, into his arms, kissin’ the life outa him, his own back up against the shower wall now, the thought of Jack’s come in his mouth sendin’ his arousal spinnin’ even higher.

Jack wrenched his mouth off him, finally, pantin’. He said, “Doin’ that turns you on,” grindin’ his hip into Ennis’s now rock-hard dick. It wasn’t really a question but it kinda was.

Ennis groaned, then shrugged. “Yeah. I mean - . Well fuck, I’m queer, right?” He couldn’t believe how level his voice sounded.

Jack gaped a little, then growled and dropped quick ta’ his knees, shovin’ Ennis back hard against the shower wall, takin’ Ennis’s cock into the wet heat of his mouth. Now it was Ennis’s turn ta’ groan, this act, done so many times to him by Jack, takin’ on new heat ‘cause of him just havin’ had Jack against the door, havin’ Jack’s cock so recent in his mouth, the water fallin’ all around, plasterin’ Jack’s hair down, makin’ everythin’ wet and slippery. Didn’t hurt he’d admitted ta’ Jack how the act of doin’, not just bein’ done to, got him all hot.

Jack’s hands were strokin’ on his ass, then pullin’ him in tighter, his throat openin’ for Ennis. Ennis gasped, laced his fingers gently in Jack’s hair. Jack moaned a little around his cock, openin’ more to him, sendin’ vibrations skitterin’ through Ennis. Fuck, he loved this man, wild and free times like this, not holdin’ nothin’ back. He laced his fingers a little tighter in Jack’s hair, not able to stop himself. Jack moaned again, and that was it, couldn’t hold back no more, his own moan meetin’ Jack’s, his hips wrenchin’ back and forth in quick, hard thrusts. And then he was comin’, blindin’ hard, into Jack’s hot mouth, the feel of Jack swallowin’ around him shudderin’ another spasm through his body.

Now it was his turn ta’ pull Jack up, go into his arms, shakin’, exchange another kiss full of spunk and fallin’ water.

Eventually they was just leanin’ on each other, hot water turned ta’ warm, each leanin’ their head on the other’s shoulder. When the water started turnin’ towards cool, Ennis pulled himself up off Jack’s shoulder, turned the shower off, grabbed a coupla towels, wrapped Jack up in one tender. Jack was swayin’ a little, and he murmured soft, “No sleepin’ on yer feet, now, Jack,” remembrin’ Jack takin’ care of him when he’d come to Childress so tired, all them months ago. “Come on.”

Jack didn’t even protest when he pulled him into the bedroom, pulled off the towel and tucked him into the bed, then crawled in next to him, gatherin’ him up in his arms.

He musta been even tireder than he’d thought, ‘cause he didn’t even notice fallin’ asleep.

Next thing he knew, he was wakin’ to the indescribable sensation of Jack workin’ his way down his body, tracin’ the planes of muscle on his chest, lickin’ at an already-hard nipple.

“Jack - .” His voice came out kinda protesting-soundin’. “What time is it?”

Jack sucked his nipple harder, squinted up at him in the dark. “You care?”

Lookin’ down at Jack’s face, Ennis read his intent clear. Once more - once more before mornin’ brought the outside world in. Once more when it was just them, joyous in their reunion. Ennis shook his head slow. “No. I don’t care what fuckin’ time it is.” His body was reactin’ fast to Jack lyin’ like he was, between his legs, but they weren’t nineteen no more. “But I ain’t nineteen no more.”

Jack grinned up at him. “Well aware. Me, neither. But I just - .” Jack gestured ‘round at the bedroom, then their bodies. “I woke up, and what you wanted, before – I thought, before we have to go out there - .” He nodded at the window, trailin’ off.

Ennis’s heart wrenched hard, and he brought a hand soft to Jack’s face. He wanted to say that Jack’d been right, it was all special, they didn’t need no special session in this bed to make it real, but lookin’ at Jack’s face there in the faint light comin’ in from the hall, he thought maybe – maybe they did. He smiled, just said, “Yeah.”

Jack turned his face, kissed soft on Ennis’s hand, trailed kisses down his chest, then further, down his thighs and up the insides, not never gettin’ to the part as was already dyin’ for a touch. “Jack!” Ennis’s voice sounded breathless even ta’ his own ears, and Jack laughed a little, soft against Ennis’s thigh.

Jack raised his head up ta’ look at Ennis, whispered, “Jesus, Ennis.”

“Whut?”

Jack looked Ennis’s body over slow, lettin’ Ennis see the desire in his eyes, causin’ little shivers ta’ break out all over Ennis’s skin. “You’re just - .” Jack whispered, lettin’ his hands roam, tracin’ the muscle as had built up hard from the grind of ranch work – arms, chest, stomach, thighs.

Ennis felt a flush break out on his face, his chest – not to mention, felt his dick harden all the way. “Jack,” he said, tryin’ for a warnin’ tone, but not exactly succeedin’.

“Always did like ta’ look at you, Ennis,” Jack murmured, tracin’ a line with his fingers light ‘round Ennis’s balls.

Ennis sucked in a breath when Jack’s fingers brushed behind. Jack stilled, asked gentle, “Ennis?”

Ennis nodded down ta’ Jack, wantin’ this more’n anythin’ now, said, “What I want.” Jack smiled, gentle smile as made Ennis’s heart soar, brought his fingers down ta’ trace ‘round Ennis’s openin’. Ennis’s legs seemed ta’ spread open and draw up a little of their own accord, and Jack sighed.

Next Ennis knew, Jack had some lube and was circlin’, circlin’, then pushin’ in, gentle, Ennis gaspin’ on his own need for this, need fer Jack inside him, need for this last time ta’ set a seal on it, this thing so private and precious between them.

Now there was another finger slippin’ in, and Ennis felt sweat break out all over. Jack was watchin’ him, watchin’ intent, like the fate of the world was hangin’ on this, and fer all Ennis knew or cared right then, maybe it did.

Jack shifted a little, and hit that place inside, and Ennis moaned, suddenly frantic for Jack inside him.

Jack’s heart musta heard, like it always did, ‘cause next Ennis knew, Jack was up between his legs, spreadin’ ‘em gentle, sayin’, “Ennis,” in a voice as almost broke his heart for the longin’ it carried.

He reached a tremblin’ hand up ta’ Jack’s cheek, stroked it gentle, said back ta’ him, “Jack,” and Jack was pushin’ into him, Ennis’s hips liftin’ up of their own accord.

Jack’s first stroke broke somethin’ in Ennis’s heart, some final barrier, and he cried out on the feelin’. Souls cryin’ out for each other, that’s what they’d always been. What this was – it was makin’ love. Not just screwin’, not just sex, he saw it clear now, just like he saw clear that under it all, his heart had always known it. They was makin’ love, in their bed, their fuckin’ bed, and there wasn’t nothin’ ta’ be afraid of ‘bout words no more.

He felt his smile warm his face, felt it when Jack saw it and smiled back. “You look - ,” Jack whispered, bringin’ a hand ta’ stroke Ennis’s sweaty hair out of his face. “You look - look at ya’.”

Ennis shook his head, tried to speak over the lump in his throat, seein’ the light from Jack’s eyes, the strength in his body, the strength of his soul. “Look at you, Jack.”

Jack smiled and shifted a little, sendin’ sparks up Ennis’s spine. He arched down, lowered his lips ta’ Ennis’s, and their kiss was soft, soft and deep, fire sparkin’ underneath.

It went on and on, Jack strokin’ deep inside him, his body risin’ ta’ meet him, their sweat minglin’, their soft sounds twinin’ together. Then finally, it came rollin’ in sudden, thundercloud over the Rockies, sharp tremor as shook Ennis’s whole body, carryin’ him over the top in a blindin’ joy. It carried Jack with it, and he spasmed and shouted above him, then let his forehead drop, slowly, onto Ennis’s.

They shared pantin’ breaths, then a sweaty embrace when Jack slipped out, bodies wrappin’ ‘round each other automatic, kisses brushed into each others’ hair.

As far as Ennis was concerned, they could lie like this forever, twined together, friends and – yeah – lovers. ‘Cause lovers they was, always had been.

At some point they slipped a little apart, came back together with Ennis cradlin’ Jack in his arms, wrappin’ ‘round him from behind. He hated ta’ do it, but he glanced quick at the clock. What he’d thought, more or less – three in the a.m. Still time ta’ let himself drift down ta’ sleep curled up with Jack, plenty of time for that before havin’ ta’ get up for ranch work. It was goin’ ta’ be hard as hell ta’ get up and leave this bed, but do it he would, ‘cause takin’ care of Jack’s fuckin’ cows was what’d landed him Jack warm and alive in his arms.

He knew there’d be plenty of shit up ahead for them with this new thing they was doin’ – from the world, and from both of their own ornery, screwed-up selves. And he wondered what had happened with Lureen, and Bobby, and Newsome’s, and Bill.

But right now, he wasn’t goin’ to waste time thinkin’ on trouble or pain. Instead, he was gonna burrow even closer ta’ Jack, pull him tighter to him. Instead, he was gonna think on that dream, the dream as had propelled him all the way ta’ Childress and here, along with a further journey inside his own self.

Jack made a happy, sleepy sound in his throat when Ennis pulled him even closer, and Ennis smiled, feelin’ peace like he’d never felt settle in ‘round his heart.

He felt sleep tuggin’ him down hard, and he put his lips right onto Jack’s ear. He didn’t know if Jack was still awake, but maybe he was, ‘cause he thought he felt Jack squeeze his hand just a little when he murmured soft into Jack’s ear, “Yes. Yes ta’ it all. Yes.”

‘Cause what could you do, you got a chance to fall asleep whisperin’ in Jack Twist’s ear.