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Alexios never considered the thought that it might be difficult to be with a family again. Because for all he’d been through, all the hardships and trials he’d endured over the last ten years, he didn’t realise he’d miss that. Even now, watching Kassandra bicker and wrestle with Stentor from the safety of the other side of the table, he felt lost.
Maybe, deep down, Myrrine and Nikolaos felt just as he did, but when Alexios turned to glance at them they showed no signs of such emotions as they watched the two siblings fight. Siblings… something about the word left a foul taste in his mouth. Maybe he doubted he’d ever be able to consider Stentor a brother, no matter the official truth of the situation. And as for Kassandra, well, he could tell she still had trouble responding to that name. For so long, Alexios had been convinced she couldn’t be saved and yet here they all were. Together. Happy, by some definition of the word.
Maybe it wasn’t the concept of family that scared Alexios so much as what came with it. A part of him worried he wouldn’t be good for the role that he’d been set; he was a misthios, a caring hand just wasn’t in his skillset. What was it that Kyra had said? Something about time and how long she’d dedicated herself to her cause? Yeah, something like that. It felt like an apt comparison.
Alexios supposed he could join the army, but he had little faith in it these days if at all he had any to begin with. And he supposed he could take a wife, but the life of a misthios had always afforded him a reason not to take one, and to take his pleasures with the people he truly desired where he could. He felt himself swallow hard at the thought. How many had he left with the promise he might one day return? How many hearts had he broken? How many times had his own broken in the process?
One name came to mind, but he wasn’t sure he could stomach even thinking about it. Alexios had made his choice. And so had Thaletas.
This entire situation made him feel ill, his stomach churning with guilt and fear. Fear… Maybe that was it. Choking on his own words, he excused himself for want of some fresh air. He needed some space, required a little time to adjust. He knew it was too much to ask for to just settle down and get on with the rest of his life. And yet. Clenching his jaw, his fingers twitched at his side, repressing the urge to reach for his spear.
All in good time, he tried to tell himself, he would get through it.