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“I can’t believe they hired both of us, Karamaniichan!” Todomatsu smiled as he and Karamatsu walked out of the cafe next door to their house, fresh from signing hiring contracts, complimentary drinks in both their hands to celebrate the new hires.
“They were wise indeed, they saw the charm of hiring not one, but two of the most charming men in the area, knowing that our sparkling wit would spread through word of mouth and turn this rinky-dink cafe into the most popular spot in all of Akatsuka prefecture!” Karamatsu said, one hand over his heart and the other thrust out into the air as though waiting to welcome the imagined hoards of customers into the cafe.
“Or you just managed to talk your way into pretending you know what you’re doing in a cafe. I’m the only one who has actual job experience!” Todomatsu laughed, but he really was looking forward to working with Karamatsu. They sat down at one of the outdoor seating areas with their coffees, dreamily smiling over being relieved of their NEET titles. They were now officially employed!
“Ahh, it’s going to be so much fun, Karamaniichan! when I worked at Sutabaa I had such a good time!” Todomatsu was already daydreaming about all the regulars they would be pulling in who would fawn over them for being so cute and having the same face. Twins working together at the same cafe, how cute!
“Are you… Are you sure you’re alright working with me? When you were at Sutabaa…” Karamatsu looked pained as he brought up the incident where he had worked in conjunction with the rest of his brothers to embarrass Todomatsu.
“Ahh, it’s fine, I’m looking forward to it! Sutabaa was different because, well…” He’d crafted a wildly elaborate lie about himself to charm his female coworkers and none of his brothers were in on the lie and would (and did) actively work against him to humiliate him in front of them because the lie didn’t put any of them in a positive light. They hadn’t existed in Todomatsu’s lie. But it was penance for lying about himself and pretending he didn’t have five (idiots for) brothers. He accepted that.
At least this time if there was an elaborate lie, Karamatsu would be in on it and it wouldn’t fall apart so fast.
“Yes.” Karamatsu simply nodded, understanding what Totty was alluding to. It hadn’t been one of Karamatsu’s proudest moments, but it had hurt that his so-called ‘partner’ had pretended not to know him. But he supposed he could forgive him. There had been girls involved, after all.
“However,” Karamatsu dramatically tipped his head back, fingertips gripping the edge of his sunglasses and pulling them down very slightly to serve an intense look at Todomatsu before he spoke. “The cafe is right next door to our house.”
Todomatsu leaned over in his seat and peered at their house. The table they were seated at was so close, he could read the Matsuno sign over the front door. He could see one of their brothers’ shadows through the shoji screen upstairs, and if he strained, he was pretty sure he could hear Jyushimatsu shouting.
“Our brothers will come here.” Karamatsu warned him. What they might do went unspoken, because they both knew their brothers were capable of unimaginable horrors if crossed. “They’ll already be upset that we have jobs.”
“It’ll be fine, Karamaniichan! Last time you were all upset because I ignored you and pretended I didn’t know you. As long as we acknowledge them, it should go fine.” Todomatsu smiled as he dismissed his older brother’s fears.
Karamatsu wasn’t so sure, but he told himself Todomatsu was right. The whole fiasco at Sutabaa had started because they had been so cruelly rejected by the youngest of them. As long as they entertained their brothers, it would be fine. Everything would be fine. They’d be fine.
The response from everyone but Jyushimatsu and their parents had been icy, even moreso when their mother made yakiniku, but only for her newly employed sons. Karamatsu and Todomatsu sat at their parents’ dinner table that night, too scared to look through the doorway at their three brothers (Jyushimatsu was happily eating dinner without a care in the world), and almost too scared to enjoy their dinner.
They’re gonna kill us in our sleep, Karamaniichan. Todomatsu thought at Karamatsu, frozen still though he could feel Osomatsu, Choromatsu, and Ichimatsu glaring at him.
They are, Totty-tan. It was a pleasure being your partner. Karamatsu was resigned to his fate. It was sad that the ladies of Japan who frequented cafes like the one next door would never have the chance to be served a cup of coffee or a pastry by him. But such was life. Sometimes it was unfair and cruel, and perhaps in time those Karamatsu girls could move on from him, but he doubted it.
No one was more surprised than both Karamatsu and Todomatsu when they woke up alive the following morning, all fingers intact, hair uncut, no permanent marker penises drawn on their faces. They weren’t going to question their luck, though.
It turned out the worst part of waking up to get ready for work was how early it was. Both Karamatsu and Todomatsu were used to sleeping in until they happened to wake up from noise outside the room or until one brother smacked them awake. That morning they relied on an alarm on Todomatsu’s phone, and discovered that even with an alarm set, the call of the warm futon was hard to resist, both of them wanting to stay and sleep more. But eventually they dragged themselves out of the futon, Ichimatsu and Osomatsu immediately rolling over to spread out and take over the blanket.
They got ready in the small bathroom together and went to the kitchen, surprised to find their mother had made breakfast for them. She was gently crying into her apron, unable to believe that the day had finally come that not just one, but TWO of her sons were now gainfully employed!
“I can’t call you my NEETs anymore!” She wailed, as though she were actually sad about it.
“We will do our best to make you proud, mommy!” Karamatsu declared as he ate his toast.
“We’ll work hard! You should come by sometime after we’ve got the hang of it!” Todomatsu said eagerly.
“Yes, yes, yes! You can come over for a relaxing afternoon coffee and your capable sons will wait on you hand and foot!” Karamatsu said, already imagining the scene. Their hardworking mother, seated at a table in a sunbeam, Karamatsu taking her order with Totty giving her a hand massage. Their mommy worked so hard, it was finally time for Karamatsu and Todomatsu to show her that her hard work hadn’t been for naught! They had JOBS!
Karamatsu cut his diatribe short, feeling a sudden chill crawling up his spine. Glancing to Todomatsu, he saw that he felt the same chill. They turned and saw Osomatsu, Choromatsu, and Ichimatsu standing in the hallway, glaring at them and their special breakfast with their mother. Jyushimatsu was still peacefully asleep, wrapped up in the futon like a burrito. He quite liked having the entire futon to himself!
Karamatsu’s instinct was to pretend he didn’t even notice their brothers were there, so he turned back to their mother, trying to calmly eat his breakfast. Todomatsu’s instinct was to glare back at their brothers, but they were trying to actually keep these jobs, and if he riled them up by glaring at them, they would definitely do their best to get Karamatsu and Todomatsu fired.
They finished their breakfast and hurried to the front door, getting their shoes on. Their mother happily watched them off, while their brothers glared at them from inside the living room.
“They’re definitely going to come over sometime today, they’re going to embarrass us! This is why they didn’t kill us in our sleep, they probably already had a plan to come over to the cafe!” Todomatsu cried once they were out in the street, walking the few feet over to the cafe. “This was a mistake, we should’ve applied somewhere else, somewhere really far away-”
“Now, now, Totty-tan. You said it yourself, that all we need to do is acknowledge our brothers! We’ll be fine. We’ll seat them when they arrive and bring them all the water they can drink!” Since water was the only thing their brothers could afford. Karamatsu was trying to feign confidence. He could only hope and pray this would end alright. Their brothers were going to make this as hard for him and Todomatsu as they could, but if they entertained them and paid attention to them, maybe they could make it work. Maybe they could keep their jobs.
They were two hours into their first day on the job when the door opened and Osomatsu strolled in, flanked by Choromatsu, Ichimatsu, and Jyushimatsu. Karamatsu and Todomatsu both shared a quick look, promising to exercise extreme patience and not let their brothers get the best of them.
Karamatsu took a deep breath.
“WELCOME, beloved buraza customers, to Cafe Akatsuka! What can I get for you today?” He put on his best smile for them, waiting for their orders. He remembered from Todomatsu’s stint at Sutabaa how his brothers had ordered items that weren’t on the menu. But this was a cafe, not just a coffee shop, so he felt reasonably certain that whatever ridiculous things they ordered, food or coffee or ice cream, they would be able to improvise.
Jyushimatsu didn’t even bother ordering. He walked around his brothers and went behind the counter, both Karamatsu and Todomatsu nervously watching as he selected the largest cup, turned to the rows of flavored syrups for coffee and Italian sodas, and started pumping one squirt of each flavor into his cup. Todomatsu grimaced. That was disgusting, but mostly harmless. As long as Jyushimatsu wasn’t loud or disruptive, he’d just let him do as he pleased. Karamatsu followed his lead and let Jyushimatsu be.
“And for the rest of my burazas?” He asked, trying to be cheerful while trying to forget the hideous concoction Jyushimatsu was creating.
Osomatsu leaned against the counter, looking around the small cafe.
“So are you two the only ones working right now?” He asked, grimacing, “Don’t you have any cute girls working here? Do you have maid outfits? I want to be served by a cute girl in a maid outfit.”
“Osomatsu, this isn’t a maid cafe, it’s just a regular cafe.” Karamatsu stared wearily at his brother, “If you don’t know what you want, I can give you a few more minutes to look at the menu and think about it.”
“Oh, wait, she’s cute! Excuse me!” Osomatsu ran away from the counter and stood at the table of a young woman who had been minding her own business, sipping at her coffee. She looked up at Osomatsu, looking annoyed that she’d been interrupted. “Excuse me, I understand they have maid uniforms in the back room, would you mind putting on a maid uniform and bringing me my order? Even better if you bounce and giggle a lot while bending over-”
Osomatsu didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, and narrowly avoided her right hook landing square in the middle of his face thanks to Todomatsu racing from behind the front counter and putting him in a headlock. He forced Osomatsu to bow to the woman and he bowed to her as well.
“My apologies, miss, we usually keep him in a cage but somehow he escaped.” Todomatsu dragged Osomatsu back to the counter, his brother struggling under his arm. “Osomatsu-niisan will have a raspberry Italian soda.”
“One raspberry Italian soda for Osomatsu.” Karamatsu quickly rang up the order, “Jyushimatsu, can you fix a raspberry Italian soda for Osomatsu?”
“Yes!” Jyushimatsu took up another cup, filled it halfway with raspberry syrup, and the rest with sparkling soda. The end result was very thick. Jyushimatsu put a lid and straw on it and put it out at the end of the counter. Todomatsu hauled Osomatsu to a table, far away from the young woman whose expression promised she’d do much worse than just put him in a headlock if he came anywhere near her again. Todomatsu sat Osomatsu down and looked into his eyes.
“Please don’t bother getting up from your seat, sir, I will go get your order and bring it to you.” He retrieved the drink and slammed it down in front of Osomatsu, giving him one final warning stare before returning to help Karamatsu deal with their next idiot brother.
“And what will you have, Choromatsu?” Karamatsu asked his brother, who was staring at the menu as if trying to decide what he wanted.
“Mmm… Ahh… I want… No, maybe the… Tsk… I think the… Ahh, maybe not, maybe I’ll have the uhhhhhhh… Oh! Do you have-wait, no, no, I was trying to eliminate that from my diet… Mmmm perhaps the… Oh, didn’t that give people the shits? Not that, so maybe the- nah, not that, maybe I’ll try the… Wait, I’m allergic to that.” Choromatsu hemmed and hawwed, looking quizzically at the menu while Karamatsu nervously awaited his order. Jyushimatsu stood next to him, smiling and sipping his all-syrup creation, and Todomatsu was looking around at what they had behind the counter, seeing if there was anything he could use to strangle Choromatsu.
“I want sushi.” Choromatsu finally said, staring right at Karamatsu, certainty and finality in his tone. Karamatsu breathed deep. They knew their brothers would do this. They knew. He just had to get through this. It would be fine. Everything was going to be FINE.
“We don’t have sushi here, sir, this is an American-style cafe.” Karamatsu said, wearing his best Customer Service smile.
“They have sushi in America.” Choromatsu said flatly.
“Yes, but not in cafes. If I could direct your attention back to the menu, you’ll see we have listed what is available to order, and sushi isn’t on the menu.” Karamatsu used his hand to direct Choromatsu’s attention to the menu and he looked over it again, and for one blissful moment, Karamatsu thought he was actually going to order something, and then…
“I don’t want any of that. I want sushi.”
Karamatsu thought of their long-lost brother Kamimatsu and called on him and his infinite patience to get him through this.
“Perhaps, sir, this isn’t the restaurant you meant to walk into! There’s a sushi restaurant down the street, you should leave and go there if you want sushi.”
“But,” Choromatsu loudly pointed out, smacking his hands on the countertop, “I’m here now, and I want sushi.”
Todomatsu vaulted over the counter and slid behind Choromatsu, pulling his arm behind his back and twisting it so Choromatsu was too busy whining about how much it hurt to continue being a nuisance.
“Choromatsu-niisan will have the grilled salmon salad.” He said, and dragged Choromatsu to a table away from Osomatsu and sat him down, his unholy gaze carving its way deep into Choromatsu’s soul. “Please don’t worry yourself about leaving your seat, sir, I will bring your order right to you once it’s ready!”
“One grilled salmon salad, Jyushimatsu.” Karamatsu rang up the order.
“Yes!” Jyushimatsu started to assemble the salad as if he made them every day. Karamatsu wondered how Jyushimatsu knew where everything was. Maybe he could work there with Karamatsu and Todomatsu. When he was finished, Jyushimatsu put the salad at the end of the counter and called out the order. Todomatsu raced over, grabbed it, and raced back to Choromatsu, pushing the salad in front of him.
“Please enjoy your salad while quietly sitting down exactly where you are, sir!” He shouted, and returned once more to the counter, standing beside Jyushimatsu, who had found an employee apron somewhere and was tying it on, but his sleeves were getting in the way. The name tag on Jyushimatsu’s borrowed apron had a tag that marked him as a trainee, same as his brothers. Karamatsu helped him tie the apron on, and all three of them stood waiting for whatever abominable order Ichimatsu was going to place.
“One cup of water.” He ordered. Karamatsu wasn’t sure he’d heard that correctly.
“Could you please repeat that, sir?”
“One cup of water.”
“Oh. Y-Yes, right away!” Karamatsu got a cup and filled it from the tap, cheerily handing it over to Ichimatsu. “Will there be anything else, sir?”
Ichimatsu stood there and gulped down the water. He finished it off quickly and put the cup on the counter, his hand around the base.
“One cup of water.”
“...O-Okay. Can I have that cup you’re holding, so I can refill it?” Karamatsu asked.
Ichimatsu’s face immediately screwed up, looking angered.
“You expect me to drink out of a USED CUP? That’s disgusting! Give me an unused cup!” He shouted, all heads turning toward him. Todomatsu hopped over the counter and body slammed Ichimatsu into the ground, then scruffed him and pulled him to a table in the front corner of the cafe, where a nice warm sunbeam was coming through the window. He sat Ichimatsu down, hurried back to the counter, and returned to the table with eight cups of water in his arms, dropping them all in front of Ichimatsu.
“Please hesitate to come up to the counter if there’s anything else you need, sir!”
“Haha, try this, Niisan, it’s really thick.” Jyushimatsu held his cup of syrup mix up to Karamatsu’s mouth while Todomatsu stormed back over to the counter.
The next hour passed with their brothers being shockingly quiet. Todomatsu and Karamatsu went about their jobs, serving customers and clearing tables, occasionally delivering cookies or more water to keep their brothers quiet and distracted and happy.
Around noon a pair of middle aged women walked in. Karamatsu was at the front and greeted them happily.
“Good afternoon, my fine young lovely ladies, welcome to Cafe Akatsuka! I am your host, Karamatsu Matsuno! What can I get for two beautiful darlings such as yourselves?”
They looked surprised for a moment and then started giggling profusely.
“Oh my, what a handsome and polite young man!”
“About time they start hiring gentlemen here!”
Karamatsu was preening under their attention and took their orders, going so far as to help Jyushimatsu prepare their meals. Somehow during the last two hours, Jyushimatsu’s trainee name tag had disappeared and now his tag said ‘manager’, and the two other employees in the store (two young ladies Choromatsu kept looking at while hoping they would notice him while he pretended not to notice them in an attempt to get them to notice him) were listening to him as if he was the actual manager.
They finished the two orders and Karamatsu carried them over to the ladies’ table himself, dramatically sweeping their plates in front of them, his loveliest shoujo manga romantic lead eyes on his face.
“Here you are, my most lovely darlings, my sweet honeys, your cake and coffee, fresh from my loving hands!” Karamatsu purred in his ridiculous deep voice to the two ladies, who giggled together, both apparently very taken by Karamatsu’s behavior. Todomatsu watched the scene unfold in disbelief. So there really were some women in the world who were fooled by his behavior and found him charming. And they were all cougars.
"Please cry out for me if you find yourself needing anything else, my flowers!” Karamatsu said to his admirers, bowing unnecessarily low with one arm swept out dramatically behind him.
“Oh no, Matsuno-kun, please stay! Stay, talk with us!” One of the women gently grabbed his wrist and both Todomatsu and Ichimatsu’s Karamatsu senses started to tingle, their heads whipping away from making coffee and building a castle out of empty water cups to watching Karamatsu and his admirers. They shared a brief glance, both of them agreeing in unspoken words to keep a close eye on this unfavorable development.
“If you insist, my loves.” Karamatsu seated himself across from the two and Ichimatsu crushed a paper cup in his hand, Todomatsu crushing a glass in his hand. It looked too much like a marriage interview for their liking. Ichimatsu’s immediate instinct was to throw his chair at Karamatsu to get him away from those vultures.
“Please, tell us about yourself, you seem like such a fun and interesting young man!”
“How long have you worked here?”
“Ah, well, I just started today! Me and my brother were hired together.” Karamatsu sat up a little taller. They were older than he expected, but they were still Karamatsu Girls, and he would give them his undivided attention!
“You and your brother! How sweet! Is that him at the counter?” One of the women asked, both of them seeing only Jyushimatsu at the counter, taking orders and filling them, bowing so low and so violently he left an impression of his upper body in the wood of the counter. Karamatsu quickly looked around the cafe. Where had Todomatsu gone? He found him at Ichimatsu’s table, both of them watching him with dark expressions on their faces. Karamatsu employed the technique he’d used that morning when his brothers had been staring at him and Todomatsu while they enjoyed their breakfast with mommy: he looked away and pretended he hadn’t seen them.
“Y-Yes, that’s my brother up there!” Just the wrong one.
“That’s so cute, brothers working together!”
“And what do you do for fun, Matsuno-kun?”
Scary as it was to feel Todomatsu and Ichimatsu’s ice-cold glaring burning into the side of his face, it was exhilarating (and slightly terrifying) to be on the receiving end of so much attention from his Karamatsu Girls!
“Well, let’s see, I like fashion, I… Oh, I play guitar!”
“You do??” The women were both delighted to hear this and giggled.
“Yes, yes! When I interviewed here I told the hiring manager I could play guitar and sing, and I would happily provide in-house live entertainment! How could it even be called work if my job was to serenade all of the enchanting princesses who come here for coffee or lunch??” Karamatsu sighed longingly, imagining the job that could have been, him in a corner of the cafe, singing to the beautiful Karamatsu Girls and Boys who flocked to him? “But they turned me down. For the singing and guitar playing part, at least. They did hire me.”
“Ohh, that’s a shame. I’d love to hear you sing, Matsuno-kun.” One of the women reached out and took his hand in hers, smiling sweetly at him.
“Oh, I would too! Do you perform live anywhere? I’d love to come see your show!” The other woman took his other hand, gently stroking his wrist and further up his arm in a manner that was decidedly more than innocent affection.
“What a fun idea!” Her friend looked delighted at the suggestion of going to see Karamatsu perform live and pulled out her phone, “Would you give me your number, Matsuno-kun? So when you’re performing we can come see you!”
“I want your number too, Matsuno!”
Todomatsu’s face seized up, allowing the true ugliness of his soul to break through as he watched the customers pawing at his Karamaniichan. He turned to Ichimatsu, who met his eyes with a similar fury burning across his face. Normally they fought endlessly when it came to Karamatsu, neither of them willing to surrender ‘ownership’ of their brother. But when their eyes met they silently agreed that just for today they could put their differences and jealousy aside to stop those old crones from touching their Karamatsu.
Ichimatsu stood from his seat and banged both fists on the table top, all eyes in the cafe turning toward him.
“What do I have to do to get some DECENT SERVICE IN THIS SHITTY CAFE!?” He screamed, and looked at Karamatsu, pointing at him. “YOU. I need some water, I’m about to die of thirst here!”
“R-Right away, sir!” Karamatsu was terrified. What had changed? He and Todomatsu had been entertaining their brothers and doing whatever they wanted (within reason), why had a switch been flipped? He turned to his Karamatsu Girls and turned the charm back on, holding the hand of the one who was clinging to his wrist. “I’ll be right back, my sweetheart angels.”
He winked as he turned away, then hurried over to Ichimatsu, panic on his face amid some confusion. Todomatsu was right there, why couldn’t he get the water?
“What?? Do you want more water, Ichimatsu??” He asked urgently, looking at Ichimatsu’s cup collection to see how full it was. Most of them were empty, but there was one that looked like he’d taken one or two sips from it. “Ichimatsu, this cup is full.”
Ichimatsu looked straight at Karamatsu and knocked the cup off the table.
“No it’s not. And my chair is broken.” Ichimatsu stated, seated very comfortably on said chair. Karamatsu raised a brow and looked the chair over.
“Ichimatsu, your chair isn’t broken.”
“Yeah it is.” Ichimatsu insisted, “I’m so uncomfortable, I can’t believe the service here. Shocking.”
“...My apologies, sir, but if you would look to your right or your left, there are chairs that are as intact as the chair you’re sitting in-” Karamatsu wasn’t going to let his brothers get to him. This job was his ROMANTIC DESTINY and he was keeping it! The Karamatsu Girls came to him instead of him having to go out to look for them!
Ichimatsu glanced back over at the table where Karamatsu’s fans sat. They were looking over their way, giggling as they looked at Karamatsu. Ichimatsu growled. He had enough drama at home battling it out with Todomatsu to determine which of them owned Karamatsu. He didn’t need competition from cougars too!
He stood up from his seat and stood beside it, looking expectantly at Karamatsu, who was at a loss.
“Sit down.” Ichimatsu demanded.
“Ichimatsu-”
“This chair is broken, Shittymatsu, I want you to be my chair.”
“Wha… Ichimatsu, there’s chairs right here-”
“Niisan,” Ichimatsu said in a soft, small voice. Karamatsu gaped, forgetting what he had been about to say, his heart ready to leap out of his chest. Did Ichimatsu just say what he thought he’d said…? “Niisan, this chair is broken, can I sit in your lap?”
“O-Of course, my precious little brother!” Karamatsu sat down on the chair, which was not broken, as he’d suspected, but how was he supposed to resist Ichimatsu calling him niisan? It was such a rare treat! He opened his arms to Ichimatsu, a blissful expression on his face as Ichimatsu settled into his lap, one arm around Karamatsu’s neck while his brother hugged him around the waist, his ROMANTIC DESTINY job and responsibilities forgotten in the thrill of the moment.
Ichimatsu peered at Todomatsu, who looked angered beyond words to see his rival seated in his Karamaniichan’s lap, but better Ichimatsu than those cougars. Ichimatsu flashed him a thumbs up. Todomatsu sighed, relieved. He could rest easy for the time being. Ichimatsu wouldn’t let Karamatsu out of his sight, and he definitely wouldn’t let him return to that table with those old ladies who wanted to slide into their territory. Even if he did, he’d have to haul Ichimatsu with him, which might make the conversation slightly uncomfortable.
“I’ll go get more water for you, sirs.” Todomatsu said and hurried to the drink dispenser, returning shortly with his arms full of cups of water. He raised a leg and swept the table clear of Ichimatsu’s hoard of empty water cups and dropped the full cups on the table.
“Please call if you need anything!” Was what Todomatsu said, but what Ichimatsu understood was ‘This doesn’t mean you’ve won’.
Ichimatsu flashed him a different finger, grinning as his cat ears popped out and he hugged closer to Karamatsu. Todomatsu sent him one more cold, angry glare, then hurried to the front after spotting Osomatsu going behind the front counter.
“Hey, where are the cookies, Jyushimatsu? Can you give me a big brother discount?” Osomatsu asked, beginning his search for cookies but stopping when he noticed a customer dropping money into the tip jar.
“Wait, you’re getting money right now?? You don’t have to wait for a paycheck?? Why didn’t you tell me!”
“Totty told you to stay in your seat, Osomatsu-niisan.” Jyushimatsu pointed out in an attempt to warn him. Todomatsu was hurrying over and it wasn’t Jyushimatsu’s fault if Osomatsu didn’t listen to him!
“I’m not doing anything, I’m just trying to get some tips!” Osomatsu poured the contents of the tip jar into his pocket and pushed Jyushimatsu out of the way, greeting the next customer. “Hello, welcome to Akatsuka Cafe, my name is Osomatsu, how can I help you?”
“Um.” The customer looked confused and slightly alarmed. He’d just been about to place his order with the man in the yellow sweater and now he was talking to an identical man wearing a red sweater. When he looked around he saw numerous other copies of this same man, all wearing different colors of the same sweater. Was this actually a cafe? Where was he? Had he stepped into a parallel universe? Would he meet his double here?? Would he meet multiples of himself?? Would they take his place in the real world?? WOULD ANYONE NOTICE THAT THE REAL HIM WAS GONE??
The man backed away, sweat beading on his forehead as he looked around the cafe, panicking as he watched the identical man in the yellow sweater rush to help the next person in line. The man looked behind him and saw another identical man in a blue sweater carrying an identical man in a purple sweater over to a window to watch a stray cat walk by the front door. Another identical man in a green sweater sat at a table openly reading a gravure magazine. In front of him, another, ANOTHER, identical man in a pink sweater walked behind the counter and started yelling at the identical man in the red sweater.
“WHAT UNIVERSE IS THIS?? WHERE AM I??” The man started screaming and ran out the door without ever placing his order.
“Thank you, please come again soon!” Jyushimatsu leaned over the counter, waving goodbye to the man.
“What did you do to him?? What did you say??” Todomatsu yelled, trying to pull Osomatsu from behind the counter.
“You’re in danger, niisan.” Jyushimatsu giggled.
“I just asked to take his order!” Osomatsu grabbed the espresso machine to anchor himself but it lurched off the counter as Todomatsu pulled harder.
“You’re not an employee!”
“Neither is Jyushimatsu, but I don’t see you trying to stop him!” Osomatsu wrapped his arms around Jyushimatsu, who was both an unstoppable force and an immovable object, and proved to be the anchor Osomatsu wanted to stop Todomatsu from yanking him away from the counter. Jyushimatsu didn’t budge, despite Todomatsu pulling on Osomatsu with all of his strength.
“Jyushimatsu is a better worker than me or Karamatsu, I need him to keep some kind of order going while I try to control you demons!” Todomatsu grunted, trying to pry Osomatsu off of Jyushimatsu or perhaps pull Jyushimatsu too, but Jyushimatsu could not be moved from his spot behind the counter.
“Hello, welcome to Akatsuka Cafe!” Jyushimatsu greeted a new customer, as though he were completely oblivious to his oldest brother clinging to him like a koala while his youngest brother tried to pull him off.
“How can I help you??” Osomatsu asked the customer, wanting tips. The woman jumped in surprise.
“Um. A large americano, please.”
“Coming right up! Totty, get OFF!” Osomatsu kicked Todomatsu in the face to get him off and looked around behind the counter. There was only so much he could reach while he was clinging to Jyushimatsu, and what the hell was an americano, anyway?
“Here you go, one large americano!” Osomatsu grabbed a chip bag and handed it over, then held out his hand. The woman stared at the chip bag. She was pretty sure this was not an americano, but it wasn’t like she was a coffee expert. She handed Osomatsu an amount of money and he stuffed it into his pocket.
“Thank you, please enjoy your americano!” Osomatsu tried to bow, but he was still holding onto Jyushimatsu. Todomatsu came back over and delicately pinched the cartilage of Osomatsu’s ear between his index finger and thumb, and dug his nails in. Osomatsu immediately crumpled and fell off of Jyushimatsu, whimpering and crawling along the ground as Todomatsu dragged him out from behind the counter. Todomatsu then lifted Osomatsu up over his head and flung him at his seat. Osomatsu landed upside down, his knees hanging over the backrest and his head hanging over the bottom of the seat. Before he could correct himself, Todomatsu came over with a glint in his eye and a roll of duct tape in his hand, and quickly duct taped Osomatsu to his chair, and shoved a cookie into his mouth.
“NOW STAY IN YOUR CHAIR.” Todomatsu shrieked, attracting more attention with his behavior than Osomatsu had with his. His eyes flew toward Karamatsu, wanting to make sure Ichimatsu was guarding him properly, but they weren’t at the table where Todomatsu had left them. He scanned the cafe and found they were at the lid station, Karamatsu holding Ichimatsu in his arms like a princess while Ichimatsu painstakingly examined each and every coffee cup lid even though his table was covered with cups of water that didn’t fit the coffee cup lids. There were coffee cup lids all over the floor. Todomatsu couldn’t bring himself to care. As long as Ichimatsu kept Karamatsu away from those cougars, he didn’t give a damn what they were doing or how much of a mess they were making.
The door to the cafe opened and a man carrying a pizza walked in.
“I’ve got a teriyaki chicken pizza for Matsuno Osomatsu!” He yelled out. Osomatsu, still taped to his chair, came hopping over to the door to retrieve his pizza.
“Osomatsu here!” He called. The pizza boy, having delivered to many a college dorm room, didn’t even appear to notice that he was taped upside down to a chair.
“Teriyaki chicken pizza with corn and mayonnaise sauce.” He presented the pizza to Osomatsu, who reached out to take it, only to be intercepted by Todomatsu.
“Perfect timing, Totty! Can you pay him?” Osomatsu asked with a big grin.
“You ordered take out!? This is a restaurant!” Todomatsu shouted, grabbing the pizza boy by the back of his shirt and walking him out the front door. He grabbed Osomatsu by the ankles and dragged him back to his table, the screeching of the chair’s legs startling all of the customers, who stared as Todomatsu taped Osomatsu’s mouth shut, then taped the chair to the table.
While Todomatsu was having a breakdown, Ichimatsu decided he needed to be carried to the bathroom.
“You’re a grown man, Ichimatsu, I’m not carrying you to the bathroom.”
“I’ve had like ten cups of water and I got used to being carried, if you set me down my bladder will rediscover gravity and I’m gonna pee myself in the middle of the cafe.” Though he was enjoying annoying Karamatsu and making him do every stupid little thing he wanted him to do in full view of Todomatsu, who was clearly losing his mind, this wasn’t an idle threat. He’d had a lot of water and the best case scenario of him walking under his own power would involve a very slow waddle.
“Fine, I’ll carry you to the bathroom!” Karamatsu groaned and walked to the bathroom. His arms were full with Ichimatsu so he had to rely on his brother holding the door handle for him while Karamatsu backed up to actually open the door, then turned around to press his back to the door to keep it open while he scooted inside, Ichimatsu encouraging him by gently pumping his fist in the air. They disappeared inside the bathroom as Choromatsu got up from his table and went up to the front, having finally worked up the courage to speak to the two female employees who were helping Jyushimatsu prepare orders.
Choromatsu leaned awkwardly against the counter for a few moments, trying to look cool and suave and like he wasn’t really paying attention, like he didn’t really care if the girls noticed him or spoke to him. He thought back to watching Karamatsu posing in the hope that someone might find him attractive and mimed his poses, but even less successfully than Karamatsu pulled them off in the first place.
One of them finally noticed him, and smiled sweetly at him.
“Hi, welcome to Akatasuka Cafe! What can I get for you?” She asked, wearing her customer service smile.
Choromatsu was startled and jumped away from the counter, his hands starting to shake. He hadn’t thought either of them would actually notice him, even though he’d been employing the ‘pretend you don’t notice them so they notice you’ technique! It worked!!
But now he had a problem. Because he hadn’t expected either of them to respond to his cold shoulder tactic, he hadn’t planned for the moment that one of them actually talked to him! What did he do? Did he order something? Jyushimatsu knew he didn’t have any money, and he also knew Choromatsu had also been forbidden from leaving his seat, yet here he was, up at the front. Jyushimatsu glanced at him, and Choromatsu knew his younger brother was on to him. Perhaps Jyushimatsu would go easier on him, since he wasn’t a dried up monster like Todomatsu was.
“Um! H-Hi! I’m a graduate of Keio University, I graduated #1 out of the entire history of the student body! And now I’m a very successful business interior designer! I just happened to stop by here for lunch and you know, it’s my professional opinion that this little cafe has a lot of potential! Have you ever thought of, um… Um… Getting some plants? Maybe um, oh the windows are really big, there’s already a lot of natural light in here, huh? Well, um, that’s good, that’s great! You know, these coffee houses always try to make the interior so dim and dreary, they say it’s comforting and relaxing but I think it’s tiring, don’t you always want to just fall asleep when you go to a coffee house with dark decor? I like having light EVERYWHERE, in fact, it’s my professional opinion as a business interior designer that you need even more light in here, you need theater lights on the ceiling, light this place up like the sun! Think of it, all the young professionals will come around to work here because it’ll be so bright they never fall asleep and they'll get so much work done! So uh, do you know the owner? Oh, you must know the owner, you work here! Is he around? I just wanna, you know, have a casual chat, one business professional to another, I just wanna talk with him about my ideas- Oh! Oh, I’m not saying only a man could be the owner, a woman could be the owner! But I mean, it’s probably a man-”
Jyushimatsu reached across the counter, wrapped his hand around Choromatsu’s throat, and threw him back at his chair. Todomatsu, having finished taping Osomatsu to his table, leaped over and intercepted the toss, and slammed Choromatsu down so he was laying horizontally across his chair. The sound of tape ripping off the roll filled the air along with Choromatsu begging Todomatsu to at least let him sit upright before he taped him to the chair! But his cries fell on deaf ears and Todomatsu made quick work of him, then dragged him to the table where his other brother was stuck, taping Choromatsu to the table as well.
The bathroom door opened and Karamatsu struggled out with Ichimatsu back in his arms. Thankfully, Ichimatsu hadn’t made Karamatsu hold him while he used the toilet, but as soon as he was done he’d indicated he expected to be carried again. They were halfway back to Ichimatsu’s table when Ichimatsu flung a hand up, flat on Karamatsu’s shirt.
“Wait, we need to go back. I forgot to wash my hands.”
Karamatsu shuddered and almost dropped Ichimatsu, but his big brother instinct overrode his disgust and he ran back to the bathroom, stepping over the discarded coffee cup lids, napkins, and coffee stirrers that had been strewn all over the floor by Ichimatsu, awkwardly trying to open the door himself even though he was still cradling Ichimatsu like a Disney princess. He didn’t want Ichimatsu touching the door with his peepee hands, because even though things were rapidly spiraling out of control, Karamatsu was still an employee of this cafe and he was trying to maintain some standards of cleanliness and order here!
“Welcome home! How are my no-longer-NEETs after their first day at work?” Matsuyo was at the door to greet Karamatsu and Todomatsu when they came home. She blinked, surprised to see how exhausted they both looked. Karamatsu was still carrying Ichimatsu in his arms as he stepped out of his shoes and stepped onto the landing, then unceremoniously dropped Ichimatsu to the floor and walked slowly, as if a zombie, to the living room.
“We were fired.” Todomatsu responded, his face shrouded in darkness as he left his shoes by the door and followed after Karamatsu.
“F-Fired?? Why?? How?? It’s been one day!” Matsuyo held back a stream of extremely unladylike language. They’d finally done the thing, they had jobs! How could they lose their jobs so quickly?? That had been Step One) Get a job!, which was usually followed by Step Two) Get the hell out!, but now they were back at Step One!
“Ask your other shithead sons.” Todomatsu grunted, and slammed the shoji door shut behind him. Matsuyo looked to her fourth son, who was still on the landing where he’d fallen when Karamatsu dropped him.
“Ichimatsu, where are your other brothers?”
“Jyushimatsu is bringing Osomatsu and Choromatsu home.” Ichimatsu still had his shoes on so he carefully turned himself around, still laying down, so his head was pointed toward the front door and raised his feet to keep his shoes off the landing. He kicked his feet right as Jyushimatsu opened the front door with one brother over each shoulder, a sandal smacking each of them in the face. Both Osomatsu and Choromatsu were still wrapped in a thick layer of tape, though they’d been cut free from the chairs.
“We’re home!” Jyushimatsu announced, and dropped Osomatsu and Choromatsu on the landing right next to Ichimatsu. He kneeled down and pulled their shoes off, throwing them in front of the door.
“Totty got fired for taping customers to a table, and Karamatsu-niisan got fired for only paying attention to one customer, and then the owner hired me!” Jyushimatsu happily reported. Matsyuo was willing to take that as a win.