Work Text:
The knock on the door was sharp and insistent, two raps in quick succession followed by silence.
That was odd. Her friends didn’t usually knock with the exception of Lotte, who would give a series of gentle knocks before politely announcing herself; and while it was hardly a rare occurrence for a professor to come knocking on their door with accusations—usually correct ones—of rule breaking, they typically did not wait to be allowed in.
It wasn’t Amanda’s fault that Luna Nova had so many ridiculous goddamn rules.
She fully expected to be surprised when she opened the door. Still, the person on the other side managed to surprise her anyway.
Amanda had barely a moment to realize who was at the door before Diana swept past her into the room, shutting the door behind her with a swish of her wand.
“Are you alone?”
Diana asked the question in the same haughty way she always spoke to Amanda, arms crossed and mouth turned slightly downward with disapproval.
It’s a shame, for such a pretty face to be frowning all the time .
That was a stupid thing to think. Amanda shook her head, trying to get her brain back on track. Diana had asked her a question, hadn’t she?
“Yeah,” she said, watching as Diana scanned the room she shared with Jasminka and Constanze. Someone like Lotte or Akko might have called it ‘cozy,’ but Amanda knew what it was: small, and at the moment likely far too messy for Diana’s tastes.
“Good.” Diana lowered her arms. “I have a proposal for you.”
“A proposal?”
“I know why you were kicked out of your last school.”
Amanda felt a strange swooping sensation in her abdomen, like she had just flown a backwards loop on her broom but not nearly as pleasant.
“And? What does that matter to you?”
Amanda wasn’t ashamed of it. It wasn’t a secret, what she was. The one thing that she appreciated about this school was that no one here gave two shits about what kind of people Amanda liked. Luna Nova had a million stupid rules, but none of them prohibited relationships between witches.
Not that Amanda had had much opportunity.
“I am…” Diana paused, uncharacteristic hesitation in her voice. “Of the same… persuasion .”
Amanda had no choice but to laugh out loud at that. She thought she’d heard all the euphemisms for people like her, but that was a new one.
“I suppose that explains why you don’t fawn over that Andrew boy like everyone else does. I thought you were just frigid, but this makes sense too.”
“I am not frigid ,” Diana said, seeming to bristle at the word.
“So what, then?” Amanda dropped down on her bed and leaned back, throwing her arms behind her head. “I don’t suppose your ‘proposal’ is that we lonely dykes start dating.”
Diana’s expression twisted into a smile, although this one didn’t make her face any prettier than it had been before: there was something wry and bitter in it.
An odd tingle went down Amanda’s spine.
“I am not interested in a public relationship with you, to be sure.”
Amanda just managed to prevent her jaw from dropping into her lap. “Are you proposing a private relationship, then?”
Diana nodded. “If that is acceptable to you.”
“Why me, though?” Amanda couldn’t make the pieces fit together right in her mind. “If that’s all you want, can’t your friends help you? Hannah, and…” Amanda struggled for the other girl’s name. “Barbara?”
For the first time, Diana seemed stymied, her cheeks reddening and her words uncertain.
“They would make things too complicated,” she finally said.
Amanda stood up again, positioning herself purposefully close to Diana, trying to size her up. They were nearly identical heights—Amanda thought herself taller by a hair—but Diana was willowyer than she was, her body less muscle. She managed to show a great deal of self-possession anyway, one hand on her hip and the other wrapped tightly around her wand and her spine rigidly upright. Amanda wondered, vaguely, whether she had been made to walk around with books on her head, too, to perfect her posture.
Amanda leaned toward her, so close their noses almost touched. Diana’s eyes widened slightly but she didn’t back down or away.
“You want something secret and simple. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure you can handle keeping something like this a secret, Miss Cavendish?” she asked, purposefully putting a sing-song lilt on the last syllables.
“You do not have to worry about my ability to keep secrets, Miss O’Neill ,” Diana replied, the coldness in her tone mixed with a touch of amusement and something that sounded like tiredness.
Amanda took a step back and crossed her arms. “What kind of relationship are we talking about, here? I’m not exactly the romantic type, you know.”
The wry smile returned. “Neither am I.”
“So then, you just want…”
“Don’t make me say it,” Diana interrupted, rubbing her temples in a show of frustration. “You understand what I’m asking for. Are you interested or not?”
Oh, Amanda was very interested. And on top of it she was curious—what sort of person was Diana when she wasn’t acting like a stuck-up prodigy, like the perfect prefect that she was?
“Sure,” Amanda said, with a casual shrug. She saw Diana’s shoulders tense at her response. “How much experience do you have with women?”
“None.”
Diana said it with so much haughty confidence that Amanda could tell she was embarrassed to admit it.
“I hope that isn’t a problem for you.”
Amanda shook her head, smirking. “‘Course not.” She stepped closer to Diana again, this time placing her fingers underneath her chin. The pink color in her cheeks darkened. “It’ll be fun, showing you the ropes.”
Diana stared at her, her composure apparently finally shaken, for a long moment. Amanda waited, wondering what Diana was thinking, savoring the ability to fluster Miss Perfect like this.
But Miss Perfect didn’t take long to regain control of herself, as she stepped backwards with her usual cool expression on her face. “I don’t want to do anything today. I will let you know when we can meet with more assurance of privacy.”
“Sure, that’s fine.” Privacy was a rare enough thing to find at boarding school. “You sure you don’t want a good night kiss?”
“No, I don’t.” Diana’s blue eyes swept over her once, head to toe. “I will see you later, Amanda.”
“Yeah, you too,” Amanda replied, as Diana swept out the door.
It turned out that privacy was a far simpler thing for Diana to find than for Amanda. Let alone the fact that she had managed to swing some sort of penthouse suite for herself—Amanda would have suspected money had changed hands if she hadn’t known that Diana’s family was broke—because Diana had the full trust of the faculty, she was allowed free, unsupervised reign of the school. It was easy for Diana to find places to hide.
No, the problem wasn’t privacy. The problem was time . Let alone the fact that both of them had roommates and professors breathing down their necks, Diana was perpetually busy studying and running errands for their lazy teachers and assisting their more hapless fellow students. It was a full week before she was summoned to Diana’s room for the first time.
A piece of paper passed to her during magical history class, enchanted so that only the intended recipient could read it. My room, tonight at 9:30pm. Don’t let anyone see you.
All they did that first night was make out. Diana didn’t say a single word, which was fine by her. It was simpler that way, which was what Diana wanted, and what Amanda wanted too. The last thing she needed was for Diana to make her life more complicated.
Miss Perfect’s confidence in her magic didn’t quite extend to kissing. It was almost cute, the way she reached for Amanda with so much shyness, like she was afraid of doing something wrong. She wasn’t exactly a quick study, either. Amanda couldn’t say she minded. Diana was pretty enough to look at, as long as she didn’t think too hard about her personality. And she only got prettier as she became more comfortable, her face and lips softening, her hands beginning to wander, her shoulders loosening themselves from her usual rigidness.
Amanda tangled her hands in smooth blond curls and felt Diana gasp against her skin.
Oh, that is satisfying .
It was apparently enough for Diana, though, as she pulled away again, quickly donning her blouse again and smoothing out her skirt.
“I’m sorry,” she said, very softly. “I don’t want to go any farther tonight.”
Amanda shrugged, pulling her own shirt over her head and heading towards the door. “You don’t have to apologize for that.”
“What am I supposed to say, then?” Diana asked, her usual acidity returning.
“I don’t know.”
Diana seemed to struggle with herself, standing up and walking Amanda towards the door.
“Thank you.”
The words surprised her.
“Yeah, yeah. You want to do this again?”
“Yes. I’ll let you know.”
“Good night, then.”
“Good night.”
They spent two more nights doing nothing but making out. It was fun enough, but it was starting to feel strange. Amanda could tell that Diana wanted to do more than this, could feel the heat of desire burning under her skin, but Diana never acted on it, always stopped just as both their bodies were starting to warm.
This finally changed one night when Diana had summoned her at a much later hour than usual. A tiny fairy tapped on her window just after midnight with another of Diana’s enchanted notes. Amanda supposed she was grateful, for once, for the fact that Costanze tended to spend all night in her workshop and Jasminka snored like an elephant with a cold, as neither noticed when she slipped away.
The note had directed her to an old abandoned part of the school, an old dorm room that looked like it hadn’t been in use in a century. Amanda figured this meant that Diana hadn’t been able to get the harpies to vacate their room. Still, it was eerily quiet in this part of the old building, covered in cobwebs and what looked like bioluminescent fungus.
Diana slammed her against the door as soon as it shut behind her, kissing her with a fierceness Amanda had never seen before. It wasn’t as though she minded. She noticed, in the brief moments when her mind wasn’t wholly preoccupied with the sensations of the other girl’s body on hers, that Diana was wearing a pale blue ball gown that perfectly set off her eyes, that her hair was artfully set into a braided crown, that her slender arms were encased in smooth silk gloves.
Right. She and the harpies went to that earl boy’s party.
Amanda smiled to herself as Diana’s hands moved down to her breasts.
Seems like it didn’t go the way she wanted .
Her shirt seemed to be getting in the way of what Diana wanted, so it was quickly pulled over her head and forgotten on the floor. But Diana stepped back, her eyes wide with confusion.
“You aren’t wearing a bra.”
“You sent for me at midnight. I was already in bed.” She crossed her arms over her bare chest. “Does it scare you? I got the impression that’s what you wanted tonight.”
Diana stared at her bare skin for a moment longer before giving a single nod. “Yes,” she breathed.
Amanda nodded toward the old cot in the corner. “It’s usually easier on a bed, although I’m not opposed to the floor.”
Diana turned to the bed and blinked several times, apparently frozen in place.
“Hello?” Amanda waved her hand in front of her face. “Merlin to Diana? Do you want to have sex or not?”
“The bed’s covered in cobwebs.”
“Don’t you know a spell for that?”
Diana looked down at the wand that was tied into the sash of her dress. “I don’t know much about cleaning spells.”
“Figures.” Amanda took out her own wand and waved it over the bed. The cobwebs vanished, along with the thick layer of dust. She took a seat on its side, holding her hand out to Diana. “We can just make out, instead. If you want.”
“No I want to do more.” Still, Diana didn’t sit down.
Amanda’s skin was starting to chill. “What’s wrong with you? Did something happen?”
Diana’s expression hardened. She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Then sit down. I’ll distract you,” Amanda said, patting the blanket beside her. She grinned at Diana, who was still staring at her in unreadable silence. “Or you can sit in my lap, if you want.”
Diana seemed more upright and intimidating than usual as she came to stand right in front of Amanda, her jeweled necklace and earrings sparkling in the dim candlelight of the room. There was something unusually intense in her eyes, an emotion Amanda was fairly certain she recognized but didn’t know the word for. She was also fairly certain, from the way Diana was looking through her and not at her, that the emotion wasn’t directed at herself.
That was fine. Amanda didn’t have any use for Diana’s emotions.
And she didn’t have to think about it for very long, either, because Diana had perched herself in Amanda’s lap, her knees on either side of Amanda’s thighs, her silky ball gown hiked up around her waist.
“Is this what you meant?” Diana asked, almost coyly.
“Yeah, this is good,” Amanda murmured, running her palms over Diana’s sides and hips. She craned her neck up to whisper in her ear, blond hair tickling the side of her face. “It would be better without the dress, though.”
It was rather fun to say things like that and watch Diana’s reactions; this time her face flushed, as it often did, but with lust rather than embarrassment. She reached down to tap her wand, and Amanda felt the fastenings on her back pop open.
Now it was Diana’s turn to whisper in her ear.
“Help me take it off, then.”
Amanda captured Diana’s mouth with her own before digging her fingers into Diana’s newly exposed skin. “With pleasure.”
“That was…”
Diana lay on her back, totally naked, and stared at the ceiling like there was something written there in one of the few languages she didn’t understand. Her sentence petered out into silence.
Amanda just laughed. She picked up the long-discarded dress and threw it over Diana, who started slightly, sitting up to glare at her.
“What was it, Miss Cavendish?” Amanda asked, with mock innocence, as she quickly donned her own clothes again.
“I told you not to call me that.”
“Okay, then.” The bed creaked as Diana shifted, pulling the creased and wrinkled dress back over her shoulders.
“Will you help me button this up again?” she asked.
The request surprised her; it was spoken so softly, given as a gentle question rather than command. And it was such an intimate thing. Touching each other before and during sex was one thing. Allowing herself to feel the smooth softness of Diana’s skin like this was…
Amanda shook herself and shoved her hands in her pockets. “Can’t you do it with magic, like you did before?”
To her surprise, Diana’s expression fell into something almost lonely. “Yes, you’re right.” All it took was a single snap, and the buttons fastened themselves and the dress became smooth and wrinkle-free again.
“We should go.”
Clear blue eyes stared at her through the darkness, piercing through her like an accusation. The feeling was gone in the next moment, though, because Diana dropped her face into her hands. “You shouldn’t wait for me. It’s better if we aren’t caught together.”
Because Diana was right. This was just a fling, and Diana had secrets she didn’t want getting out.
“Yeah.” She reached for Diana’s shoulder. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” Diana said firmly.
“Did I…” Amanda wasn’t sure how to put the question into words. Diana had seemed to be thoroughly enjoying herself, but perhaps Amanda had been reading her reactions wrong. The girl was difficult to read, after all.
“It’s not you.” Diana let out a heavy sigh. “It’s that stupid Kagari.”
“ Akko ?”
“She crashed Andrew’s party tonight, and so of course everything went wrong immediately.”
“That does sound like Akko.” Diana just dug her fingers deeper into her temples. “What did she do?”
“Somehow she and her little friends managed to let loose a cupid bee.”
“A cupid bee?” Amanda laughed. “I would have loved to see that. I bet it stung a ton of people, right? All those uptight…”
“It was awful,” Diana said sharply, finally turning her gaze up to Amanda in order to glare at her. “It wasn’t funny at all.”
“Yeesh, okay, okay.” Amanda found herself backing towards the door. “I’m guessing it stung you, then?”
Diana nodded.
“And you temporarily fell in love with…?”
“With Akko .”
Diana spat the name out like it was poison.
It was difficult not to choke, but Amanda managed to hide her laughter as a cough. “But you’re obviously not in love with her anymore, so the bee’s effect must have ended.”
“The bee’s effect ended, yes.” There was a strange sort of anger in her voice. “But it made me realize…”
Diana hid her face from Amanda’s view, but she could tell that her cheeks were redder than ever before.
It took a moment, but Amanda managed to put all the pieces together in her mind. They clicked into place with another uncomfortable swooping sensation in her stomach, which she didn’t quite understand.
“You’re in love with her?”
“No!” Diana’s fists clenched around the fabric of her skirt. “No, it’s just a foolish crush. I’ll get over it.”
Amanda sat down next to her and Diana leaned away slightly.
A heavy sigh.
“It’s hard when they’re straight, isn’t it?”
She heard Diana take a long, deep breath—and then the girl stood up, as prim and upright as always, her usual cool, haughty mask plastered to her face.
“Thanks for meeting me so late at night. It’s time for you to leave.”
Amanda stared up at her, feeling a little as though she had been whacked by the tail end of a broom. Diana continued to stare at her, eyebrows raised, as though waiting for an explanation as to why she wasn’t already gone.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Amanda lit a fire at the tip of her wand to navigate the pitch black corridors back to her room. “See you in class, then.”
If Diana replied, Amanda didn’t hear it.
While she would never have admitted it out loud, Amanda was a bit disappointed when the nighttime trysts stopped. Two weeks went by without a single word or glance from Diana other than an admonishment not to fly her broom in the corridors. She decided not to think too much about Miss Perfect and her—admittedly stupid—crush on Akko. It didn’t make sense, so Amanda had chosen to stop thinking about it.
Until she got another one of those stupid little notes, dropped by her lunch tray as Diana and her mass of blond curls swept by.
From then on sex became an almost regular occurrence between them, usually at the end of the week when the professors took a break from breathing down their backs. Diana would summon her to her room, or they would find a sufficiently secluded nook or cranny in which to hide. Sometimes their meetings would be nearly silent, particularly when the fear of getting caught was high, but other times they would talk afterward, about the various events and students at Luna Nova. Amanda had quite a few things to say about the professors—and more often than not was surprised to find that Diana agreed with her, despite her usual suck-up attitude. And Diana had her own woes and irritations to vent, most of them centered around Akko and how much the girl irritated her.
“I don’t know why she bothers you so much. It’s not like she’s your competition. Akko can’t even fly a broom.”
“It’s her attitude, ” Diana said, expression twisted into a grumpy frown. “She’s so confident in herself, but she hasn’t any right to be. She hasn’t earned anything.”
Amanda didn’t see the point in arguing. She liked Akko, even if she could be a bit much sometimes. Her incompetent antics were an endless source of entertainment. And no one could deny that she was wholeheartedly devoted to her friends. Akko was an idiot, but at least she was an idiot who cared deeply about other people.
Diana, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care about anything other than refining her own magical skills. She was respectful and polite towards everyone, but Amanda wasn’t sure she had any actual friends. The harpies followed her around like petty witch’s familiars hoping to siphon off some of her power and status for themselves; Amanda doubted they cared much for Diana as a person, or her about them.
Amanda knew that she was being used, too. Their meetings were little more than a means for Diana to let off steam. She told herself this didn’t bother her, because that was what she was using Diana for, too, just a distraction.
She was developing her own secret, and she was determined to keep it one forever.
“I invited you here, but now I’m too tired to actually do anything,” Diana told her one night. “Hannah and Barbara went home for the night, too. It’s such a wasted opportunity.”
Amanda shrugged and dropped herself down onto Diana’s bed, which was far more comfortable than her own. Diana herself was still sitting at her desk, poring over a large book. She was wearing a frilly, old-fashioned nightgown and had her hair braided into two long plaits over her shoulders. Her outfit made her look like a child, but the dark circles under her eyes made her face look a decade older.
“What are you reading?”
“It’s not important.”
“Then why are you reading it?”
Rather than let out a heavy sigh and give Amanda a disparaging look, as was her usual modus operandi , Diana turned to her with a small smile. “I should have said it’s not important to anyone but me. It’s a book about my family.”
“You’re descended from some famous witch, right?”
Diana nodded. “I’m very proud of my family. The Cavendishes have been respectable, pioneering witches for centuries.” Her expression darkened. “Unfortunately our affairs have been handled rather poorly since my mother died.”
“Oh.” What was a person supposed to say in moments like these? “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Yeah, but still…” The words caught in her throat. “I didn’t know that about your mom.”
Diana’s eyes remained fixed on her book. “It’s been a long time, but of course I still miss her sometimes. She was an amazing witch. And she was a good, kind person.” Her voice softened, so low Amanda almost couldn’t hear it. “I hope to carry on her legacy well.”
Her profile was outlined by the moonlight streaming in through the window, as elegant and beautiful as ever. But there was something else there, too, something Amanda had never seen before—or perhaps had simply never noticed. It was the small tilt in her smile, the slight wrinkle of her forehead, the softness in her eyes. It wasn’t quite sadness, Amanda thought.
Was Diana lonely ?
Maybe it made sense. Maybe Diana didn’t have very many people to care about her, so didn’t know how to care about others. Didn’t know how to get close to them.
Until she had come to Luna Nova, Amanda had been the same.
Amanda knew that she should leave, as she wasn’t going to be of any use to Diana at all. Unfortunately Diana’s bed was luxurious and comfortable, and falling asleep in it was a temptation she wasn’t strong enough to evade. She was just on the edge of dreaming when she sensed a dark figure standing over her and opened her eyes to see Diana looking down at her, amused and exhausted in equal measure.
“I don’t mind if you sleep here, but you need to move over and give me some room, too.”
Amanda sat up, feeling her face warming with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry, I’m going…”
A warm, surprisingly strong hand wrapped around her wrist.
“You don’t have to,” Diana said softly, looking at her hand rather than her eyes. “You’re already here.”
If she had been less tired Amanda would have done the smart thing and left. But instead she let herself fall back on one of Diana’s plush pillows, watched as Diana lied down beside her and pulled the covers over them both, wrapped her arms around Diana’s back as the girl rested her head on her shoulder.
Diana was asleep within moments, but the exhaustion which had previously overtaken Amanda wasn’t enough to quiet the turmoil in her mind just yet. She stared up at the ceiling, listening to Diana’s slow, steady breath, and wondered at how she had managed to end up in this position.
You’re a fucking idiot .
Amanda sighed, and let her eyes fall shut.
Amanda wasn’t sure why it bothered her that Diana had left Luna Nova without warning. They weren’t friends, after all. Little had changed about their routine; they still avoided each other during the day, still met in secret at Diana’s request, still had (increasingly satisfying) sex. The one thing which had shifted was what happened after they had tired themselves out. Rather than rushing back to her room as soon as the main event had ended, Amanda found herself lingering longer and longer, letting herself savor the feeling of Diana’s warm body against hers, comfortable and still. Sometimes they would talk, but more often they would simply fall asleep like that, nestled together.
“You have nice breasts,” Diana had mumbled sleepily the night before she left.
“Thanks.” Amanda had laughed, running her fingers through Diana’s long, soft hair. “Yours are quite nice, too.”
“You’re nice.” The words were soft, almost impossible to make out. “I like having you here.”
Amanda was certain Diana had been too exhausted to know exactly what she was saying.
“Yeah, I feel the same way,” she’d replied, also certain that Diana wouldn’t remember it.
Because that was Amanda’s secret. And the moments like those—quiet, comfortable, warm—added fuel to the tiny flame burning in the deepest parts of herself.
But then Diana was gone. It was supposed to be tradition, to leave unannounced under the cover of night. It was a lousy tradition, another one to add to Luna Nova’s long list.
That was fine. They hadn’t actually meant anything to each other. Diana had wanted something from Amanda, and Amanda had wanted the same in return. Their relationship had been one of convenience, nothing more.
And then Akko went after her.
Because of course she did. The girl didn’t know how to take “no” for an answer. If she thought something wasn’t right, Akko was going to attempt to fix it, for better or for worse.
But why would it bother Akko that Diana was gone? They mutually irritated each other. Akko was chaotic and bumbling, and Diana was accomplished and aloof. Akko was constantly trying to prove her superiority, and Diana was forever putting her in her place. It didn’t make sense.
Then again, little about Akko made any sense. That was the fun of being her friend.
She could tell that something happened between Akko and Diana, once Diana returned to school. They were at odds with each other somewhat less; Diana seemed more exasperated than angry at Akko’s behavior, and Akko finally seemed to have figured out how to apply herself to her magical studies, however slow her progress was. Amanda wondered, after several days of silence from Diana, whether she had been replaced as Diana’s secret… whatever it was they were.
But then there was another invitation, this time to an old building on the northern side of the school grounds which appeared to hold an old library of magical artifacts. Amanda would have found this more interesting in other circumstances, but tonight Diana seemed focused on getting them both onto the old couch which had been shoved in a secluded corner and removing their clothes as quickly as possible.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
Diana hummed, her head pillowed on Amanda’s shoulder and her long silky hair spilling over her bare chest. “I suppose.”
“What happened between you and Akko? When you left, I mean.”
A long, slow sigh escaped from Diana’s lips. “I think we understand each other better, now.”
When Amanda asked her to explain, Diana began to tell the story of her family—bits and pieces of which Amanda had already heard—and how she had planned to become the family head, and how Akko had stopped her and convinced her to return.
“Do you still have feelings for her?”
Diana’s whole body stiffened. “Yes,” she said softly.
“Do you think she has feelings for you?”
“I don’t think so,” Diana said, shaking her head slightly, rubbing it against Amanda’s skin.
‘Why do you think she went after you, then?”
“Why does Akko do anything? She had an impulse and gave in to it, without thinking about the consequences.”
Amanda laughed. “Her impulse was right this time, wasn’t it?”
Diana turned over so that she was lying fully over Amanda’s body. “I suppose,” she said, sleepily.
There was a thick brown cloak hanging over the back of the couch and Amanda threw it over them both to protect them from the rapidly cooling air. She ran her hand over Diana’s back, feeling it rise and fall with her steady breath.
“She brought you back,” Amanda said softly. She had been certain that Diana was asleep, or at least far enough gone not to really hear her; but Diana’s hand reached for hers, warm and firm. She mumbled something which Amanda couldn’t understand.
“What was that?”
But Diana just snuggled closer to her, silent and peaceful.
Once again, it felt like things had shifted between them once Diana returned. This time, however, it was more difficult to identify precisely what had changed. Diana seemed softer, overall, like the pressure of her familial obligations being lifted had allowed her to breathe a little easier. Both in public and in private, Diana smiled more, spoke more gently, showed more genuine care and concern. But Amanda knew this change in behavior had nothing to do with her, specifically.
Akko, on the other hand, was as determined as ever to see Diana as a rival, a fact which Diana lamented with more and more frequency.
“She’s never going to like you back, you know.”
“I know!” Sparks flew out of the tip of Diana’s wand, and she looked down at it with surprise. “I know, okay? You don’t have to keep reminding me.”
“I’m just trying to help you,” Amanda said, putting her hands up. “You’ve got to let go of this crush. It’ll… well, it’ll crush you. You’re only setting yourself up to get your heart broken.”
“How do you know?”
An unpleasant set of memories—her old school, her old circle of friends, unrequited feelings which had spiralled into disaster—spun through her mind.
Amanda sighed, carefully meeting Diana’s fierce gaze. “How do you think, Diana?”
Diana stared at her, her expression unreadable. It quickly fell into something like regret.
It didn’t suit her.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Amanda tentatively reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said it so harshly.”
Diana leaned into her touch, letting Amanda pull her closer. “I’m really glad I have you, Amanda.”
A million unspoken words crashed over Amanda in waves. Why do you say things like that when you’re in love with someone else? If you’re so grateful for me, why do you keep us a secret? Do you even really see me as an equal at all?
And then there was the most treacherous thought of all:
Could you ever return my feelings?
But Amanda managed to swallow them all down, to keep her heart silent and let her head rule for once. She could be as impulsive as Akko at times, but Amanda considered herself a taker of calculated risks. There was little to be gained here, in confessing feelings to someone who was hopelessly obsessed with someone else.
So she decided to stop thinking about it. She pressed her lips to Diana’s in a searing kiss, trying to lose herself in the physical sensations rather than the confusing quagmire of emotion in her mind. Diana reciprocated with enthusiasm, and the rest of the words that ought to have been said between them were silenced.
“We should talk.”
Amanda groaned.
Nothing good ever followed those words.
Diana just stared at her, one eyebrow raised.
“Sorry,” Amanda said. “It’s just a reflex at this point.”
A skeptical frown. “You don’t like talking?”
“‘Talking’ is different than ‘needing to talk.’”
“I suppose that’s true.” Diana sat down and gestured for Amanda to sit next to her.
Amanda stayed where she was, watching Diana’s movements warily.
“It’s not as though you’re in trouble. I just want to talk.”
Amanda let out a sigh and uncrossed her arms, but still didn’t sit down. She opted to lean against the nearest bookshelf, instead, the cold wood digging into her spine.
“What do you want to talk about?”
The corner of Diana’s lips turned upward, but the smile didn’t quite extend to her eyes. “Us.”
Shit.
Her grip on the shelf behind her tightened.
“Shoot, then. Say what you need to say.”
“I don’t think I’ve been very fair to you.”
Huh?
“Huh?”
“I’ll take that very articulate response as a request to elaborate,” Diana said, her tone only gently mocking. “What I mean is that I’ve expected you to come when I call and do as I asked without asking what you wanted, in return. I haven’t reciprocated equally.”
“All we do is have sex. I like that as much as you do.”
For a brief moment Diana almost looked embarrassed and shy, her cheeks turning pink. “I just thought I’d ask… if there was anything else you wanted. Some other way I could show my appreciation.” She finally managed to meet Amanda’s eye. “It’s time I treated you like an equal.”
Then don’t keep me a secret anymore .
That was something she couldn’t ask for, though. Diana had explained, before, that she was expected to have her own children to carry on her family’s legacy; making her relationship with another woman public would jeopardize her claim to the Cavendish family head. That was something she couldn’t risk for Amanda’s sake.
And that was fine. Amanda wasn’t that selfish.
“You could treat me like a friend, then. Rather than a washout.”
Diana tilted her head, apparently surprised. “I thought you didn’t care about school, or about what other people think about you.”
“One for two,” Amanda said, with a small laugh. “I pay attention to the stuff I actually care about, which isn’t much. But I care about what other people think as much as anyone does.”
A silence passed between them, Diana staring at her with a thoughtful expression on her face. Amanda rather felt as though she were being scanned for defects. She refused to back down from it, meeting Diana’s gaze with her chin jutted forward slightly.
“You’re a brilliant witch, aren’t you?”
There was a strange sinking sensation in her stomach. “What are you talking about?”
“You act like a delinquent, but you’re not actually incompetent. You get poor grades because you don’t do homework and don’t follow the rules, but you pass your classes by scoring high on tests. You’re intelligent and talented, you just don’t apply it properly.”
She shrugged, feeling that Diana had gotten to close to the truth but not wanting to acknowledge it. “It’s not as though I’m here because I wanted to learn about how to transform frogs and make statues fly around.”
“Why are you here, then?”
“I thought you said you knew why I got kicked out of my old school.”
“I only know that you were expelled for being in a relationship with a girl.”
Amanda blinked.
Bitter laughter bubbled out of her.
“I didn’t even get that far,” she said, shaking her head. “I confessed to a girl who I’d considered my best friend. But she panicked and reported me to the school, who reported me to my parents. They wanted nothing to do with me after that, and neither did any other school besides Luna Nova. So here I am.”
An owl hooted loudly just outside the window.
“Oh.” Diana’s voice faltered. “I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well, we’re even now, aren’t we? I know your history and now you know mine.”
“Now I only feel even more in your debt,” Diana said, smiling at her with a look in her eyes that seemed too much like sadness.
Amanda hated seeing that look on her face.
“What do you say, then? To being friends?”
For the first time that evening, Diana’s smile extended to her eyes. “We can do that.”
“Okay, then.” Amanda took Diana’s outstretched hand in her own. Instead of shaking it, however, Diana firmed her grip and pulled Amanda down onto the bed beside her.
“Oi!”
Slender but surprisingly warm and strong arms circled around her. “Thank you, Amanda.”
A strange realization came to her as she ran her fingers down Diana’s back, the unsettling kind which made it feel like the ground had shifted beneath her feet.
That Amanda had come to care deeply about this uptight girl with the weight of her family’s legacy bearing down upon her shoulders. That Amanda felt protective of her, even if Diana didn’t reciprocate her feelings.
She had seen past the cold and arrogant front Diana put on, been showed the lonely, kind-hearted, determined girl it concealed. She knew Diana deserved to be happy.
She only wished that happiness could include Amanda standing freely at her side.
It was time she took her own advice: Diana would only ever see her as a friend, so she needed to stop setting herself up to be disappointed.
“Hey, Diana. I have one more thing to ask from you.”
“What is it?”
“If you ever do make a move on Akko, and you two become a thing… this will have to end.”
Diana stiffened in Amanda’s arms.
“It’s not that I particularly care about being the ‘other woman’ or anything. But Akko is my friend, and I can’t do that to her.”
“You told me to give up on her,” Diana said, slowly, pulling away.
“Yeah, well.” Amanda sighed, throwing her hands up in the air. “I’ve given up on trying to understand that girl. It’s more fun to just come along for the ride and see where it takes you. Plus the two of you have gotten closer after that whole Grand Triangle incident, or whatever it was. Haven’t you?”
“Triskelion.”
“Yeah, that thing.” Amanda nudged Diana’s shoulder with her own. “I thought I was saving you from getting your heart broken, before. But now I think you’ve got a decent chance, if you decide to take it.”
“You think so?”
“Well, like I said.” Amanda stood up, heading towards the door. “There’s no knowing with that girl. So you might as well do your best. It’s what Akko would do.”
She decided not to watch Diana’s expression as she shut the door behind her.
It was Akko who made the first move, to everyone’s surprise. Diana was, perhaps, the most surprised of all, when Akko (publicly and dramatically) demanded that Diana accompany her to the May Day dance.
Amanda was the only person not surprised that Diana agreed.
Months had passed since they had met, and still, very little about Akko made any sense to her. That was what Amanda enjoyed about being her friend. Diana’s crush on the incompetent little witch from a faraway land hadn’t made much sense to her, either, until now. Diana’s serious studiousness could finally be a positive influence on Akko, rather than a source of rivalry; and Akko’s lighthearted sense of fun and wonder seemed to make Diana’s smiles a little brighter and laugh a little more easily.
Perhaps it would have been easier if Amanda had been jealous. She could have wished for them to fall apart, for Diana to turn around and see that Amanda had been there all along. Unfortunately, Amanda couldn’t wish anything but good for them; she wanted Diana to be happy as much as she wanted Akko to be. They were her friends, after all, as bitter as the taste of regret was in her mouth.
Amanda watched as Akko brought Diana an ice cream cone and then promptly dropped it on the other girl’s dress. Akko panicked, pulling out a napkin and paying little attention as her own ice cream wobbled dangerously in her other hand, but Diana restored the ice cream scoop with a single wave of her wand, calming Akko with a gentle smile.
Amanda turned away when their lips met.
Amanda was seventeen, and there was a whole world of witches out there, and there was still a great deal of fun to be had, so she wouldn’t dwell on the painful parts. She had friends, and she had hope.
That was what Akko—and even Diana—had shown her.
The ground fell further and further away as Amanda sped across the sky, no longer burdened by secrets and uncertainty.
Fly freely or not at all .
For now, her heart would be free.