Chapter Text
Soonyoung stands at the side of the stage, far away enough that he's not being a hindrance to the staffs at the backstage, and so the fans won't be able to see him. But he's close enough that he can see the boy's face and his expressions while he sing.
He doesn't even know why he's there, it just so happens that he was done preparing for their next stage and all he has to do is wait. So he thought it won't hurt to watch his member's solo stage. After all, he heard that it would be a new performance and the song is unreleased. He's curious.
The lights opened and Jihoon was there, right at the center. He always looks so beautiful to Soonyoung's eyes. And for the first time in awhile, Soonyoung can look at him without hurting. He doesn't know how that happened. But after that night, he was finally able to breathe. It's like somebody heard his screams and wishes, and they took pity on him. Now the pain and the longing that had a permanence in his heart and mind is no longer to be found. He can now look at jihoon without wishing for him to look back, he can talk to him without asking for more than his attention, he can be with him as a member and as a friend, without asking to be the owner of his heart. He still can't explain how his feelings vanished, but he doesn't question it and let it happen. After all, it would be the best for everyone, to him, to Jihoon, and to Seventeen, if the feelings are gone. And it is, now.
As if nothing happend
I told myself that this is all a dream
When i close my eyes and open them again
I wanted to wake up with a relief
Soonyoung stared as the boy started to sing, his eyes closed and pain painted on his face. Pain that Soonyoung knew he had put. He doesn't understand why. And if it was the Soonyoung of before, he would have run to him and hug him, sharing his pain. But the Soonyoung of now can only watch the pain dance in his face, because no matter how hard he try and no matter how deep he dig, he can't recollect the feelings he once had.
If i can go back in time
to our past that didn't line up
Rather than calling you roughly, but warmly
Would i be able to let you go?
Soonyoung listened, at the way his voice hold so much emotions. The same emotions that are glazing his eyes as he sings his heart out. Soonyoung looked down on his hands, and whispered,
"How did we end up like this?"
Like this, with Soonyoung forgetting the love that was so precious to him. He had hold him close to his heart, had guarded it and treasured it hoping one day it would bloom. But it comes down to this, with those feelings burned to ashes and leaving Soonyoung with nothing. Not even a recollection of the feelings he used to have.
Like this, with Jihoon full of pain and sadness, something Soonyoung had tried so hard to protect him from. Isn't this the reason why he had let go in the first place? To prevent jihoon from hurting? So that he wouldn't be burdened by the love he can't reciprocate? So that he would be saved from Soonyoung's suffocating presence? So that he won't have to take responsibility over Soonyoung's broken heart?
So why?
Why does it looked like every emotion Soonyoung had -the love, the pain, the happiness, the fear, were sucked out of him and were poured down to the last person he wanted it to be shouldered by?
When we weren't over
As i held onto whatever was left
You let go of me
Although i don't want to see you, i miss you
Although i hate you, i miss you
I don't understand how I feel either
"Soonyoung" He looked away from Jihoon to direct his gaze to Wonwoo who was suddenly besides him.
"This song...is this about me?" He asked. Wonwoo looked at him for a long a time. Before nodding slowly.
"You know" Soonyoung nodded, and returned back at watching Jihoon sing to the world just how broken he is. Soonyoung wants to shake his heart, pull it out from his chest and turn it inside out just so he can feel. So he can feel the pain Jihoon is feeling, the love he had once for him, the feeling of being alive. But no matter what he does, he comes up with nothing.
"I've loved him so much, won. For so long. But I can't feel it" Soonyoung put his hand on his chest, right where his heart is supposed to be. Wonwoo looked at him, pained. To see his bestfriend like this, broken to the point of not even being able to recall the happiness he once felt. But he can't blame Jihoon either.
Wonwoo still doesn't understand what happened, why the supposed beautiful love story ended up into a tragedy like this. They were so great together, once upon a time. Wonwoo doesn't know what went wrong but suddenly everything came crushing down. And now all that's left are regrets and reminders of what used to be, and of what it should have been.
This waiting
Its not easy to endure
If i forget someday
As if nothing is wrong
Even if our future is empty and sad
I dont want to forget you
Soonyoung closed his eyes, and listened to the words that are ringing loud in the place. Jihoon's voice, Jihoon's words, Jihoon's heart. He tried to feel it, to let it stay in the corner of his chest. But they're all empty words to him. He knew that Jihoon had put a part of himself in this song, but Soonyoung can't find it. Can't feel it.
"I never wanted to hurt him" Soonyoung whispered.
"It wasn't your fault" Wonwoo immediately told him. It put a smile on Soonyoung's face. But it felt so wrong. It was a small smile, and definitely an empty one. It hold no resemblance to the bright and warm smile Soonyoung used to give. Wonwoo wanted to hug him, pat his head and back until he can pass his own warmth on him. But that's not how it works. He can just hope, that one day, Soonyoung would be able to find his own self...and with his heart on it.
As our hearts connected,
we were happy
You, who isn't with me anymore
Although i don't want to see you, i miss you
Although i hate you, i miss you
I don't understand myself as well
Soonyoung can see it. The tears on Jihoon's eyes as he sings the words out. It wasn't visible to the fans off the stage, nor on the cameras if it weren't zooming in on his face, but it was there. Threatening to spill, but Soonyoung can see how hard Jihoon grips his mic. And how he's trying to hold himself together. He had loved him for years that he was able to memorize all of Jihoon, and it didn't go away simply because his feelings had.
And he doesn't know what's harder.
Remembering the memories without the feelings attached it, or seeing Jihoon hurt and not knowing what to do despite loving him for years.
What kind of future will we meet at the end?
The Heavens didn't give us an answer
Until the end, I'm too stupid
So i don't know the answer
Right after Jihoon ended the song, before the lights close and the flatform pulled down from the stage, Jihoon looked at the side. Right where Soonyoung is, like his eyes are trained to find his. He saw the surprised on Jihoon's eyes. And then the lights were down. And so does Jihoon's tears.
Soonyoung saw it, but all he did was turn around and reminded himself that it was not his place to care, it never was. What would he do, anyway? He won't be able to offer anything, not even comfort. How can he comfort him when he can't even feel anything? Not even regret... not even guilt.
So he breathe in deep, and stand right at his position. And waited for the cue to go up on the stage. The only place he knows is his, the only place he feels like he belongs.