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Lena Luthor was always prepared. She always brought her notebooks to class. She always had her pencils ready to take notes. She knew exactly what to wear for the day ahead of her. Her homework was always done and corrected by the time she walked into class. Her phone was always charged to last her the entire day.
But the one thing Lena wasn’t prepared for was Kara Danvers.
The sunshine smiling blonde dressed in her leather jacket who turned around the first day of class to ask for a pencil with puppy dog eyes. The blonde that took Lena by complete surprise. The one person that Lena started planning for by bringing an extra pencil to class for and a few extra sheets of paper.
It resulted in Kara drawing her a picture every day. Every day, she would pin a new drawing to her bedroom walls. They started to give her plain bedroom in the Luthor home a personality, a happy personality.
Lena looked forward to her history class every day because of Kara. It was starting to surpass her excitement for science, but Kara skipped class often so science maintains her top favorite for now due to consistency.
Another surprise came when Kara turned around to ask for her normal pencil and paper. Lena handed over it with both girls giving each other bashful smiles. When class ended, Kara handed Lena a new drawing, but it had a small note on the top asking her out with Kara’s phone number. She drew her a milkshake being shared by the two of them. With quick hands, Lena texted Kara accepting her offer.
After school, Lena sat in Kara’s 1970 black mustang as Kara drove them to a small diner. They were constantly talking. Kara seemed eager to learn everything about the girl who always brought her a pencil. Lena learned that Kara was constantly skipping class to hang out with her sister to smoke weed, or to get extra hours at work.
True to her word, they shared a milkshake that Kara taught her the delicious treat of dipping her fries into it.
When the check came, Kara refused to let Lena pay a penny. She said it was a thank you for all the pencils and paper Lena had given her, and another thank you for the notes that Lena gave her. She added sheepishly in that this was also supposed to be a date.
Getting Kara to repeat the sentence was difficult, but once she got it out of her, she grabbed Kara’s hand and said she likes that idea. The smile she received melted Lena’s heart.
They started dating and made it official a few weeks later.
Dating Kara was different. Even when she skipped class, she showed up to school to take Lena home. It got Lena a lot of attention seeing as she was a quiet, good girl dating one of the loud troublemaking kids. That gave the jocks an idea that Lena wanted to be hit on, and Kara started showing up more frequently after Lena told her giving out glares who tried to wink at Lena.
Dating Kara also gave Lena friends. Alex, Kara’s sister, was the mom friend and the reason why Kara had done anything too idiotic. Winn, Kara’s friend, was the friend she typically saw since they shared a lot of classes and was overall a good kid like her. James, Kara’s other friend, was the one who worked on bikes and she never saw him often. Mike, Kara’s obnoxious friend, constantly hit on Kara and offered to have a threesome a lot, and he had a huge crush on Kara making them butt heads often.
The best perk of dating Kara had to be how caring she was. Lena learned how bullied Kara was when she was little, and that her rebel attitude came right from Alex. Kara was actually a sweet and bubbly person, but growing up, kids had bullied her into a girl who would throw a punch without hesitation. She hated fighting.
Her girlfriend was a cuddler. When they went to a theater, laid in the backseat, or went to Kara’s house, they were usually cuddling. Kara never pushed Lena into sex, the one time that she was indicating she was going into that territory by going lower with her hands. Lena had pushed her back, and Kara didn’t push her or ask why. She let Lena set the pace.
When they finally did have sex, Lena had invited Kara over while her family was gone. There weren’t any plans for it, Lena needed to study and help Kara study for their upcoming finals. The finals that determined whether or not Kara could graduate with her, and Kara was determined to pass them. They did study for a majority of the night taking a break for pizza and a movie.
Once it got late, they agreed to go to bed. Lena had forgotten that Kara had never been in her room. It was a rare occasion for the blonde to be at her house. When her girlfriend saw the drawings she kept hung up on the walls, she was blown away.
“You kept them?” Kara asked sounding amazed.
Lena blushed. “Yeah, I really like them.”
“Every single one?” Kara turned her head to look at Lena. “Some of them look awful.”
“No, they are all special and beautiful. I love each of them.” Lena said not believing that Kara thought some of them were bad. “I love them like I love you.” They hadn’t said that to each other. “Kara, I-“
“I love you too.” Kara said quickly. “Please, don’t try to take it back.” There was a plea in her voice. She pulled Lena close to her. “I love you.”
Lena wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. “I love you too.”
That night Lena had sex for the first time, and she considers herself lucky that her first time having sex was also the first time making love. Feeling Kara hold her close afterwards was amazing, and Lena couldn’t lie when she thought that this was how she wanted the rest of her life to be. Wrapped in Kara’s arms feeling like she’s home.
By some miracle, Kara graduated. She aced all of her finals with the help of Lena, but Kara wasn’t going off to college. She never had any plans to go to college. If she didn’t pass her finals, she had the plan to drop out and continue working odd jobs.
Throughout the summer, Kara would spend nearly every moment she could with Lena before she went off to school. She wasn’t going to hold her back from going to MIT, and Lena knew that. She was trying to give Lena a great summer, so Kara took her everywhere she wanted to go even compromising to take her out to the old camp where parties often took place.
It wasn’t a great idea. Lena stuck out until Kara gave her the jacket off her back to help keep some stares off her. It still didn’t help much as a bunch of guys gave her creepy stares and sexual remarks.
Exhausted of the remarks, Kara pulled her out into the woods. It was just the two of them as Kara led her through the trees holding tight onto her hand. The blonde led her to train tracks that they started walking along until Kara let go to balance on the railing of the tracks.
Lena knew it was stupid, but it was already stupid to be walking this close to the tracks. She started balancing on the other one trying to maintain Kara’s pace. Smiling when Kara reached out her hand to help each other. They did that until they made it back to an area close to Kara’s car.
The end of the summer was coming too quickly. Lena wasn’t ready to leave her blonde girlfriend. She had the love of her life and was about to be across the country from her. Kara was the reason Lena had enjoyed high school, a reason she experienced being a teenager. There was already a plan to visit on any break she had, but those were already too far away.
Watching a movie, Kara’s arm was wrapped around her shoulders keeping Lena close to her. Lena was laying on her side into Kara nearly dozing off. They were at Kara’s house laying in her bed. Kara had put in Lena’s favorite movie and they ate Lena’s favorite food for dinner. It was a perfect night.
“I’m going to miss this. You’re spoiling me.” Lena said snuggling closer.
“That’s why I am.” Kara gave her a light squeeze, but Lena heard the sadness in Kara’s voice.
“Kara, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Lena said in a stern voice, “Kara.”
“Do you want to keep dating me? I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold back for me.” Kara let out. “Lee, I know you’re going to do great things. I just don’t want to be the reason you don’t do them.”
Lena felt offended as she pushed away from Kara. “Are you offering me an out?”
Kara looked alarmed. “Lena, I just want to be sure about where we stand. I love you, and I want you to be the best you can be. So, if you want an out, please take it now.”
“Kara, you fucking idiot.” Lena said calming herself down. She knew her girlfriend had insecurities. “I love you. I only want you. I’ve already planned out a schedule to come see you.” She brought her hand up to caress Kara’s cheek. “I’m in this if you are.”
She gave her a small smile. “You jump, I jump.”
That night was an infinite loop when Lena was going through a stressful time. It was nearing the end of her first semester and finals could go suck a dick. Lena hated that their first anniversary was celebrated apart, but there was no way Lena could be there and class. Her girlfriend was a trooper though and gave her the best skype date that she could.
Her girlfriend had been taking up new skills while Lena was away. She started learning about mechanical work and found a job at a shop. The money was going towards Kara getting her own place that she wants to share with Lena. She didn’t lie when she promised Lena that she was in it for the long run.
Which is why Kara was silent on their skype call, she was reading a book while Lena studied. They ate dinner together while Lena vented about her studies then jumped into studying. Her girlfriend was on the call as a comfort for Lena, and she was being silent to give her support. She could’ve easily started watching tv.
“Kara,” Lena called out making the blonde look up with her blue eyes focused on the screen in front of her. “I can’t wait to come home.”
The smile she received was big. “I’m ready to have you in my arms again.” She pointed down at Lena’s books despite not being able to see them. “Ace these tests, and I promise you a good reward.” She winked.
The reward was nice but laying blissful in Kara’s arms was better. Her family didn’t miss her at the holidays when she didn’t show, and Lena didn’t mean since Kara’s family loved her. Lena was just happy to be spending the holidays with her girlfriend.
Kara got her own place two weeks before Lena came home for the summer, and she was moved in by the time Lena made it home. She decided holding off on sleeping there until Lena came home, so they could break it in together. The apartment was small, but everywhere you look in the apartment, it screamed Kara. She insisted that Lena brought her own style to the apartment.
It didn’t take long for Lena to realize that Kara had framed the picture that she drew to ask Lena out and had it hanging on the wall. She was confused on how Kara had gotten it but knew it was perfect in their apartment.
Much like the summer before, Kara wanted to do everything Lena wanted to do, but this time, Kara got to do it without thinking that Lena was going to leave her at the end of the summer. Lena just wanted to be with Kara.
They went on their walk through the woods again to walk along the train tracks. It was peaceful and were in a comfortable silence. They balanced along the tracks holding out their hands to each other.
At one point, Kara stopped before going to the wood in between the rails. She pulled out her pocket knife and started to carve something into the wood. Lena was able to make out their initials and then saw Kara working on the heart around them. The blonde loved a good cliché.
They smiled at each other before Lena helped Kara back up to kiss her. Holding each other close with the carving next to them, Lena felt the best she ever had. Kara rested her forehead against hers when they needed air, and it created the perfect moment. A moment that Lena could live in for the rest of her life.
“You should let me drive you to school.” Kara said still pressed against her. “Just you and I driving along the road.”
“But then you have to drive back alone.”
“Worth it if I get extra time with you.” Kara said chasing her lips again and smiling when they tipped over into the grass and laughing as they rolled down the small hill. Pressing a soft kiss to her girlfriend’s lips. “What do you say? Road trip?”
Lena rolled her eyes. “As if I could say no to you.”
A week before move-in day, they loaded up Kara’s car with Lena’s things and a bag for Kara. They had planned a few stops along the way for sleep and for fun, but they were happy to be spending extra time together even if it was in a cramped car.
It was peaceful holding Kara’s hand as they drove along the interstates and highways. They held conversations and enjoyed comfortable silences. Lena read occasionally and read aloud for Kara. They sung along to songs that played on the radio. I Spy was a frequent game for them.
“Snack me.” Kara said breaking Lena away from her book.
She looked up at Kara. “What?”
“Can you grab me some Cheetos or something? I’m starting to get hungry.”
“Starting,” Lena said sarcastically. “You started being hungry when you were born.”
Kara gave her a pout. “Please, I’ll love you forever and ever.”
Laughing, Lena grabbed the bag of snacks and started feeding her girlfriend. “All I had to do was give you snacks. I wasted a lot of paper.”
“I borrowed paper. I always gave it back.”
“You had paper and pencils, but you purposely didn’t bring them to class!” Lena pointed out.
Kara smirked. “There was a cute girl. I needed motivation to talk to her. You never said no.” She opened her mouth for another Cheeto that her girlfriend put in her mouth.
“There was a cute girl in need.”
“My hero.” Kara said with a wide grin.
There was a lot of feeding Kara on that trip, and Lena was happy to do it if that made Kara feel safer driving them. Kara was always safer when Lena was in the car. Otherwise, Kara didn’t have a problem acting like a drag racer. Lena only heard stories about her crazy driving since Kara refused to make her worried.
They stopped at a place to eat dinner. Kara was looking really worn out and fighting to stay awake long enough to eat. They had a room booked for the night and were a few exits away. Both were starving and cookies weren’t cutting it anymore.
Tomorrow was going to be the last day on the road. They were arriving in town and staying in a hotel room before moving Lena in the following day and Kara was staying there for two extra days. Lena was excited to introduce her girlfriend to a few friends she made during her freshman year.
Handing over the keys was the only option. Kara would fall asleep at the wheel or not see majority of the things on the road, and she didn’t hesitate to give the keys to Lena as they walk towards the car. She handed them over and proceeded to walk to the passenger side to get comfortable in the seat.
But Lena had never driven Kara’s car. She knew how much the car meant to Kara, and she even joked that Kara loved the car more than her. There was always this fear that she would ruin it. Sometimes, she was scared about dinging the doors when she got out.
Kara was always the driver.
Sensing her discomfort, Kara reassured her that she would be fine and talked her through starting the car as if she was learning to drive again. Poor Kara was exhausted as she continued talking to Lena through the drive, but she wanted her girlfriend to be comfortable driving.
“I can’t wait to flop into bed.”
“I know. I promise I’ll get us there soon.” Lena was driving slow from her nervousness. “I just want to be careful.”
Kara let out a light laugh. “It’s ok, Lee. I’m not upset, just tired. Did you really think you were never going to drive my car?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? Kara, you love this car more than me.”
Her girlfriend sat up quickly and looked over in Lena’s direction. “Lena, I could never love anything more than you. You are my everything. This is just a car. I can replace a car, but I could never replace you.” There was a quiet silence as Lena tried to keep her full attention on the road. “The only competition you have is our future children.”
That made her smile. They both knew the other wanted kids in the future. “I love you too, Kara.” Feeling brave, Lena looked over at Kara for a split second. “More than anything.”
That split second was the worst second of Lena’s life.
When she looked over at Kara, she noticed the bright lights behind Kara making her look like an angel. The headlights of a truck running a stop light. The truck that smashed into them. The smash that made them never arrive to the hotel room that was two miles away. The hotel room that they had booked for a few days.
Lena doesn’t recall much from the crash. Just the headlights, her girlfriend looking so peaceful, and being pulled from the car screaming in agony.
Lena had a bad concussion, managed to break her arm, and there was so much glass. The real suffering didn’t come around until she came to in the hospital. She felt the pain still surging through her but numbed from pain medicine. The first thing Lena asked for was to see Kara. She knew her girlfriend had to be ok. Kara had always pulled through.
Of course, Lena’s worst fears came true. Kara was gone.
She read the police report hundreds of times. Each time never brought her closer to peace. Her girlfriend didn’t suffer long. The impact was on the passenger side and the truck had practically plowed through them.
The driver of the truck that hit them was barely hurt. The driver had been the one to call the police. He was suffering from exhaustion when he hit them. He tried to help them when he got off the phone, but Lena was knocked out. Kara was on the edge of death, and he tried to help but damage was done and she knew she wasn’t going to make it. She asked him to make sure that Lena did. He pulled her from the car to get the paramedics to her faster.
The doctors were quick to help Lena after the news of Kara’s death. It was hard to keep her under control. If she wasn’t crying, she was sitting there blaming herself. She was the one driving, she should’ve seen the truck before. Kara had given her the keys once and it resulted in her death.
Once she was cleared, Lena flew home. Her stuff was in her dorm room since Alex came out to collect Kara’s things. It killed them to see each other, but they were the two people that loved Kara the most so they understood when the other broke down.
As much as it broke her heart, Lena stayed in their apartment. She needed it. It was a way to feel close to Kara since her car was gone. Wrapped in the blankets that they had sex in before leaving was how she stayed until the funeral.
The funeral was where Lena lost it standing alongside Eliza and Alex.
She left.
Dressed in a black dress and heels, she walked away.
Lena refused to drive. It resulted in the love of her life’s death, so she vowed to never get behind the wheel again. She didn’t care if Kara would be disappointed in her. She didn’t care that Eliza was leaning on her and Alex for strength. She just didn’t care.
Classes started, and Lena was miles away mourning her girlfriend. She didn’t answer her friends’ calls or texts. She barely ate. Sleeping wasn’t hard when you’re drunk but the cleanup was horrible.
Her school gave her the semester to take time after she hadn’t shown up, but Lena knew she would need more.
Alex was the one to pull her out of the apartment. She forced her to stay with Eliza. She forced her to dinner with their friends. She forced her to eat. She forced her to bathe regularly.
Eliza mourned with Lena, but she kept the house clean which did wonders. She cooked and made Lena a plate but never said anything if she didn’t eat.
It struck harder when Kara’s ashes came. The Danvers and Lena broke into sobs while clinging on each other.
But it was a start to a better place. Lena had a ring made with some of Kara’s ashes after seeking out permission, but Alex broke her a little when she told her that Kara would love that. She cleaned up the apartment making her feel better and started eating and bathing regularly again. There was something about the ring that made her feel like Kara was still there cracking jokes or watching her with a grin.
Once spring semester was around the corner, Lena went to school. She moved everything out of the apartment since the lease would run up while she was at school. Taking several blankets, shirts, and the drawing with her to school, she felt like she would be ok.
Having one last dinner at the Danvers house, Alex decided to give her a gift. Her and Eliza seemed to be hesitant about it but insisted that it was hers. She opened the box to find Kara’s leather jacket that was in the backseat of the car. She had taken off before they went to dinner.
“Kara would really want you to have it.” Lena couldn’t stop the sobs as she held it close to her. “She’s always with us, but she’s always following you.”
It became a part of her daily outfit. She didn’t care if she looked odd, but it did make her feel like she had Kara with her. The smell of her girlfriend faded away after a while making some people question why she was still wearing it. Her friends didn’t talk about it unless she brought it up, and she started leaning on them more.
The semester passed.
Lena received passing grades that mirrored Kara’s grades from her high school graduation, but it was passing. That was enough for Lena.
When she returned home, Lena stayed with Alex who offered after Lena’s family moved away. They were great roommates for each other. They saved each other from drinking into a spiral when they brought up Kara without hesitating. Mostly, when they were talking about some new movie and said Kara would love it.
Nearing the year of Kara’s death, Lena drove again. She drove out to the woods without telling anyone. She felt like she had to do this alone. The driving made her freak out. She never looked away from what was in front of her. When she did before she drove off, she saw Kara smiling at her with her sweet puppy dog eyes filled with love.
It broke her heart to blink when tears filled her eyes only to see an empty seat.
She walked through the woods to the railroad tracks. Arms crossed as she tried to fight back stray tears. Kara was always with her filling in the silence of the woods, but now all she knew was the absence of her girlfriend.
She found the tracks and walked on the wood. Searching for the carving, she knew that this would be her form of a goodbye. Kara would never want her to mourn her for the rest of her life. So, she needs to honor Kara’s wishes, and that meant letting go.
Seeing the heart carving, Lena couldn’t hold back. Kara had always expressed her feeling for Lena in art forms. When the wreck happened, Lena cursed her artistic girlfriend for leaving behind too many reminders. Now, Lena loved it again, it gave her Kara.
Crying without shame, Lena let go as she sat next to it. She ran her hand over it a few times letting herself calm down.
“Why does this make me feel closer to you?” Lena asked out into the distance. “I literally wear you, but this is the first time I felt like you are actually here.” She wore a fond smile. “I drove for the first time today. It was terrifying. But when I looked over, I just saw you. I saw you and the lights. It took everything in me to not relive that night. I’ve relived it enough.” She felt anger rise in her. “I’m glad you gave me the keys. You could’ve been the one to kill someone instead.”
She let herself calm down before continuing. “I miss you every fucking day.” Putting a lot of stress on the fuck, Lena’s eyes threatened to spill tears again. “I questioned that night over and over. What if I hadn’t taken the keys? Would we had been the ones to hit someone? What if I had been more confident? Would we had just missed it? What if I had said no to the road trip? Would I have an upset girlfriend because, Kara, that’s much better than a dead one.”
Letting out a laugh before continuing, “I still do things or hear good news and my first response is to tell you. When your phone was finally deactivated, it hurt so bad to receive the error message. Prior to that, I still expected a response until two minutes passed and I’m faced with the fact that you are gone.”
“Alex and I struggle. We still make comments that you would like something or if you would be interested. We got so drunk one night that I forgot I lived with Alex and got an uber back to your apartment. Another time, I screamed and cried about how you left me. I’ve been a mess.”
“I know you want me to move on, but it’s just not that easy. I still roll over in bed thinking that you’re just asleep next to me or that you’re coming home late. Kara, you are the love of my life.” Sadness mixed with anger started rising in her voice. “I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have kids with you. I wanted the house with you. I wanted the struggles with you. I wanted everything with you. You’re forever stuck on me.”
“The girl with puppy dog eyes and a smile full of sunshine dressed in a leather jacket that skipped class to smoke with her sister. The girl who purposely forgot paper and pencil just so she could talk to her crush sitting behind her. The girl who stole my heart through smiles and drawings. The girl who became my everything and showed me I could be truly happy.”
She was quiet for a moment running her hand over the wood. “I promise, I’ll get better. I just want to stay here for a little longer.”
Lena closed her eyes and relived them walking along the tracks balancing against each other, Kara stopping to carve the heart, the love she felt when Kara smiled up at her when she was done, helping Kara up, being held as Kara’s kissed contained all the love she needed, the forehead pressed against hers, the love of her life, and the beautiful life she gave Lena hope for.
For a moment, Lena swore she felt her arms around her, but knew it was a faded memory. She pressed her lips to her ring. “I’ll be ok, I promise.”