Chapter Text
Despite the tension that had existed between them all day, Toshi was the first to jump to get to the unconscious man, sitting on the floor and pulling him into his lap.
“Yoshi…come on, baby…wake up. It’s okay…” he said, patting his fiancé’s face and rocking him slightly.
Hide moved over closer to where Toshi sat holding Yoshiki. “Well, fuck!” he said loudly. “That didn’t go as planned. Tosh, I’m sorry…”
The vocalist looked up into his old friend’s face. “It’s not your fault—you know how he is.” He carried on patting the blonde’s face, trying to rouse him.
“I’ll get a cold cloth,” Heath said, moving quickly from the loveseat into the kitchen.
Pata, for his part, was completely lost as to what was happening. All he knew was that his friends seemed to be talking to the air and that Yoshiki had fainted after saying what sounded like something about Hide. And while he was certainly concerned about his friend, he was feeling a little nervous about the other goings on.
‘They’re not all crazy. What am I missing? What the fuck is going on in here?’ he thought to himself while staying close in case he could help with Yoshiki.
Hide settled down next to Sugizo again, waiting to see how long it would take the blonde to come to. The cold cloth on the man’s face and neck was apparently helping as he had started making noises and moving around a little.
“That’s it…come on, Yoshi. You’re okay…everything is okay. Wake up for me,” Toshi said.
Finally, Yoshiki opened his eyes and looked up at his fiancé. “What happened?”
“You fainted, but you’re okay. Here, let’s get you back up onto the couch,” he said, allowing Heath and Pata to lift the blonde up and place him on the couch while Toshi got up off the floor.
“I fainted? But…why?” Yoshiki asked, rubbing his forehead where he’d hit the floor. Then his eyes widened a bit as his memory suddenly returned. “Hide…” he said softly, staring into Toshi’s face.
The vocalist nodded and stroked the man’s arm gently.
“Yes, you saw Hide—we all did. He’s still here, Yoshi, and he feels bad about upsetting you. Will you talk to him? He’s right over there,” he said very gently, indicating where their friend was.
Yoshiki tried to take a deep breath, but it caught halfway. He then slowly turned his head in the direction that Toshi had shown him. As his eyes fell on Hide again, he took in a sharp breath and jumped slightly, gasping.
“Yo-Chan…be calm, okay? I don’t want to scare you. I’ll stay over here with Sugi until you’ve gotten more used to seeing me. Will that be alright?” Hide asked slowly and gently, doing his best to calm his overwrought friend.
Yoshiki sat staring, a frozen expression on his face, nodding slowly like a little 5-year-old. Toshi took a seat on the couch between him and Pata, rubbing his leg and speaking to him quietly to reassure him.
Hide decided to turn the attention away from the blonde for a bit.
“Hey Pata…can you see and hear me?” he asked, waving comically in front of the man.
No response. He then moved over and got right in front of Pata, making faces at him for comic relief.
“Nothing?” he asked.
Nothing—though Pata did wonder why everyone was looking in his direction and laughing.
“Okay…what the fuck? Have you all lost your minds?” he asked.
“Pata…Hide is right in front of you waving and making faces at you!” Heath started but had to pause and laugh. “Open your mind—quit being so skeptical and you’ll see him too.”
“I’m beginning to wonder if lunch wasn’t laced with something hallucinogenic—everyone’s but mine, that is,” the older guitarist said.
Sugizo was trying to think of something that Hide could do to prove to Pata that he was indeed there.
“Hey Hide, if I go get Heath’s dry erase board, could you write something on it for Pata?” the auburn-haired man asked.
“Not right now. That takes quite a bit of energy and I’ve expended so much already.” He stopped and thought a minute. “I know.”
Hide moved over to Pata and started playing with his hair, picking up the ends that hung down onto his chest. He swung them back and forth slightly and then crossed them over in front of the man’s face while everyone, including Yoshiki, laughed.
From Pata’s perspective, he was sitting watching his hair lift up and swing around in front of his face, but had no idea how it was doing that. He just knew he wasn’t touching it and neither was anyone else in the room.
“Nope,” he said simply and drained the contents of his scotch glass. “Nope,” he said again and got up from the couch. “I love all of you guys but I can’t do this. Nope,” he said once more and headed to the door. “Call you later,” he said and disappeared out of the apartment.
The remaining men just looked at each other for a moment.
“Well okay then. Pata’s out,” Heath said with a surprised look.
“Maybe I can get through to him later,” Hide said from his place beside Sugizo. “Yo-Chan…are you okay now?”
The blonde leaned closer into Toshi. “Umm, I think so,” he replied in a meek little voice that wasn’t at all like him.
“I know it’s a lot to take in, Yoshi…but it really is him. There’s nothing to be frightened of,” Sugizo said in his quiet, calming voice.
Yoshiki nodded and tried to smile. “But how? And why now? Have you been around us all along?” He had so many questions running through his mind.
Hide smiled. “I’ll answer all of your questions as best I can, but I’m getting a little weak at the moment. Before I go though…can I come over closer?”
The blonde, who was still shaken, took a deep breath and said, “Sure.”
Moving slowly over toward the couch, Hide kept his eyes on Yoshiki’s face to gauge his anxiety. He was prepared to back off if necessary, but he really wanted to get closer so that the drummer could see him and know that it truly was him.
He reached the end of the couch where Yoshiki sat and lowered himself so that they could look into each other’s faces. The smile on Hide’s face was so unmistakably him, that the blonde reached out and tried to touch his face, but of course, he couldn’t feel anything.
“Oh, Hide…I miss you so much. Even now. I wish I could hug you…” Yoshiki managed to say, tears beginning to flow down his cheeks.
“I know…I truly wish that I could hug and kiss you too. But I’m always close by and I can hear you if you talk to me, okay?”
Yoshiki just nodded and wiped at his face. “Love you…” he said, not caring what the others might think.
Hide gave him another smile, leaned forward and kissed him, running a hand down his hair and onto his shoulder. “Love you too.”
The blonde shivered a little at the touch, but was clearly happy that he could feel something.
Hide then leaned over and kissed Toshi’s forehead and gave him a knowing smile. He then moved back over to Heath and did the same, calling him ‘little brother’.
Finally, he made it back to Sugizo. He was beginning to become a little more translucent, telling proof that he had used up a lot of energy remaining visible and talking for as long as he had.
“See you soon,” he said, kissing Sugizo’s lips and caressing his cheek.
“Okay, Doll. Don’t forget your scotch that’s in the kitchen,” the auburn-haired man said with a smile.
“Oh yeah…thanks!” he said, fading from view.
No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, so Sugizo finally broke the silence.
“Yoshi, are you alright with what you just saw? Any questions that I could try to answer for you?”
The blonde was curled into Toshi’s shoulder holding onto him and sniffling. His fiancé had his arms around him, stroking his hair and intermittently placing kisses on his head. You’d never know that there had been tension between them only half an hour earlier.
Heath excused himself to go retrieve something from his room and came back with a box of tissues that he placed on the coffee table in front of the couple.
“Yoshi, once you get used to the idea, it’s quite nice having him around,” the bassist offered, trying to draw his friend out.
It took a minute or so for the implications of that statement to filter into Yoshiki’s head, but all at once, he turned toward Heath and Sugizo.
“How long have you two been seeing him? Neither of you looked surprised at all. Come to think of it, neither did you, Tosh,” he said, looking up into the man’s face.
“Well…this was the third time I’d seen him, to be honest. The second was only earlier today before you and Pata got here. First time…a week or so ago when I brought Heath’s things over from his apartment for him.”
“And you didn’t tell me?! Why?!” Yoshiki asked, looking rather shocked.
Toshi sighed and thought about that for a few moments. His fiancé was not appreciative of the silence, though.
“Toshi…you of all people know how much I loved Hide and how utterly destroyed I was when he…left us. Why would you keep that from me?” Yoshiki asked, pulling himself away from Toshi’s side and sitting up.
“Yoshi…” Sugizo started, but the drummer cut him off.
“No, I want to hear the answer from Toshi,” he said, turning back to his fiancé.
The vocalist raised his eyes to meet Yoshiki’s and gave him a serious look. “Because it upset me. I needed time to think about it and decide how I felt.” He paused and lowered his gaze. “You know I don’t trust my own mind sometimes, Yoshi. I was honestly thinking that I had imagined the whole thing. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” His eyes remained downcast, shoulders slumped.
Heath glanced over at Sugizo and they exchanged solemn looks. Toshi was such a kind soul and it hurt them to know that he was still having issues stemming from the mind control that he had been subjected to many years earlier. Unable to stand it any longer, the bassist spoke up.
“Yoshi, remember that day I called you and said that Toshi had just left here and that he was acting a bit strange? That was that day. He truly was upset by seeing Hide. Maybe he just needed some time—I don’t think he was purposely keeping anything from you.”
That seemed to appease Yoshiki to some degree as he nodded to Heath and reached over to rub Toshi’s back. It took him a little bit longer, but he eventually spoke up.
“I’m sorry, Honey. My mind is just so blown over seeing him that I lashed out at you. I understand now why you didn’t say anything,” the blonde said softly, leaning over and kissing him.
Now it was Sugizo’s turn to speak up. “Yoshi…none of us told you because we knew it would upset you. Hell, Hide has been wanting to talk to you and let you see him all along, but he said he was afraid to because he thought it might send you into another fit of depression and he didn’t want to be responsible for that.”
“So how long have you two been seeing him then?” the blonde asked.
“Just started when I was in the hospital. I saw him several times there,” Heath replied.
“Yeah, you remember us talking about how Heath would get fixated on something? That it worried us, but it seemed to calm him down, whatever it was? Yeah, that was Hide he was seeing,” Sugizo informed them.
“Wait. We were worried that he might have some brain damage and all the time he was seeing Hide?” Yoshiki asked.
“Yup. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?” the guitarist responded.
Heath shook his head. “What? Wait a sec…you guys thought I had brain damage?!”
“No, we were worried that you might have sustained some damage from that high fever that you had for so long. Heath, you were on fire when I got to you that day and it took hours and hours for them to get that fever to break at the hospital. Then once you started to wake up, you were acting strangely. We were just worried, that’s all,” Sugizo told him.
“Yeah, you’d be thrashing around, fighting the ventilator, making choking sounds and stuff and then all of a sudden you’d calm down and turn your head to one side and just stare at something on the side of the bed. It was so strange, but you did calm down so we didn’t worry about it too much at first. Then you kept doing it once you were out of ICU and we started to get concerned.”
Toshi paused and looked at Yoshiki and Sugizo who nodded. “Now we know it was Hide that was visiting you and you could see him, but no one else could.”
Heath sat and thought for several moments and then shook his head. “I don’t really remember some of that. I do remember seeing him and thinking he was an angel. Then I got scared and thought that I must be dead if I was seeing angels. He calmed me down and told me that I was okay.”
“Were you actually talking to him? You had the ventilator and then two different oxygen masks…” Yoshiki asked, trying to understand.
The bassist had to think about that for a minute. “Well…I guess not audibly. Hadn’t thought about that until now.” He paused and tried to remember. He finally shrugged. “We were communicating…I’m just not sure how. I remember hearing him say ‘Hi-Chan, you’re okay. Calm down. Listen to me—I need you to calm down now’ and stuff like that.”
“Sugizo was saying things like that too and so were the rest of us. Are you sure it wasn’t us you were hearing?” the blonde asked.
“I was looking at Hide at the time. It was him. He even made faces at me to get my attention a few times,” Heath answered with a chuckle. “And I know that voice.”
Toshi nodded. “First time I heard him speak…gave me chills. It had been so long since I’d heard that voice but as soon as I did, I recognized it.”
Yoshiki nodded and sniffled again. As he reached up to dry his eyes, the others could see that he was shaking.
“Yoshi, I know it’s a lot to take in. I’ve shed many tears since I started seeing him at the hospital. It’s bringing back memories and feelings that I’ve had to keep shut off at times.” Sugizo paused and had to gather himself.
“I don’t know about you guys, but I think most everyone is alike in this—there are things that you can’t allow yourself to think about on a regular day because you can’t deal with them and function. You have to have time to drop the shields and deal—know what I mean?” the guitarist asked.
The other three men nodded in agreement.
“I’m not ashamed to admit to you three that I’ve cried myself to sleep a few times since I’ve been able to talk to him again,” Sugizo confessed.
“What has he said that upset you?” Toshi asked.
“Oh nothing…I just meant that talking to him again and having him close by has sort of uncovered old wounds that never really healed, so to speak.” He had to pause again as he felt that familiar lump in his throat. “I knew that hole was still there…I just didn’t realize how big it still was.”
His voice had broken up a little and a few tears made their way down Sugizo’s cheeks just after that last statement. Heath reached over from where he sat and placed a reassuring hand on his knee. But what he had said plus the tears prompted Yoshiki to bring up something he’d been wanting to ask the man, though the alcohol might have influenced his timing somewhat.
“Sugi…I’ve been meaning to ask you something ever since I talked to J and Ryu up at the hospital. I can’t seem to find the right time, so I guess now is as good as any,” the blonde said, pouring more scotch for himself and taking a drink.
Toshi immediately realized what it was that his fiancé was about to bring up and he tried to stop it.
“Yoshi…now’s not the time. Not in front of me and Heath,” the vocalist said, giving him a serious look and shaking his head.
“No…I think now is a fine time. Besides, we’re family,” Yoshiki answered, a note of hurt feelings obvious to anyone who knew him well.
Heath and Sugizo exchanged glances, having no idea what Toshi and Yoshiki were referring to.
“Yoshi, please…Sugi is already upset. Don’t do this,” Toshi advised.
“It’ll be fine,” he said to his fiancé, took another long drink of scotch and then turned back to face Sugizo.
Toshi shot a warning look over at Heath who raised his eyebrows in concern.
“J, Ryu, Toshi, and I were talking up at the hospital and the subject of Hide came up. I found out a few things that I didn’t know before,” Yoshiki started.
“Oh? And what was that?” the guitarist asked, sounding just a little defensive. He didn’t know what Yoshiki was getting at, but the warning looks from Toshi told him that he wasn’t going to like it.
“Well, that your wife caught you two in bed together and that’s why you broke up,” the blonde said, looking directly into Sugizo’s eyes as if he was waiting for him to lie about it.
“What?! That’s not true! I told you why we broke up—she was abusing me and ended up nearly shattering my hand. That’s why I left,” the guitarist asserted. “I told all of you guys this, don’t you remember?”
“But what I’m getting at is what led her to do that. She did catch you two, didn’t she?” Yoshiki asked, accusingly.
Sugizo lowered his eyebrows and almost scowled at his friend. Out the corner of his eye he noticed Toshi shaking his head with a hand covering his eyes.
“Yes. She did catch us together. Is that honestly the big revelation?”
“Well, of course I knew about you two—I don’t think Hide kept very much at all from me. You were together quite a bit for a while, I remember,” the blonde said and took another drink.
“We were.”
“Now here’s where I’m confused. J said he thought that you were way more serious about Hide than he was about you.” He paused to let that sink in. “But I said that Hide would never string someone along like that—especially someone who had a family. So…who’s right?”
“J actually said that?” Sugizo asked, feeling mad, upset, and defensive all at once.
“He did.”
The guitarist shook his head. “J is out of his mind—he knows better. He knows the reason why Hide was hanging around our band so much was because of my relationship with him. I even remember one of the guys asking Hide if you knew about him and me and he said yes, that you knew. So, was that the truth or did you just find out?” he asked pointedly, looking right at the drummer who was acting for all the world like a jealous girlfriend.
“No, I knew back then. I knew you two had a few flings—apparently you got caught during a couple of them by your wife.”
His repeated use of the word ‘wife’ was bothering Sugizo and he thought he was certainly doing it on purpose.
“EX-wife,” he retorted and then gave a humorless chuckle. “’A few flings’, huh? Is that your estimation or what Hide told you?”
Yoshiki shrugged and took another drink.
Sugizo gave Toshi a quick apologetic look as he knew this was about to get ugly and the guitarist didn’t want him to feel like he was in any way responsible. That and he knew that Toshi would be the one that would have to leave here and deal with Yoshiki after this was over.
The auburn-haired man sat up on the edge of his seat and drilled the blonde with a look.
“Answer me.”
“Okay…that’s my estimation of the situation based on what Hide told me and my own knowledge. Are you trying to tell me that there was more to it than that?” Yoshiki answered, apparently feeling confident.
“Yeah, Yoshi…that’s what I’m telling you. I haven’t said anything in all this time because I wanted you to remember things the way you preferred to remember them, but yeah…there was a lot more to it than that. Remember earlier when I said that I had a bond with this particular spirit? Why do you think that is, Yoshi?”
“I don’t know. I don’t claim to understand anything about spirits like you seem to.”
‘Okay, fuck it. I’ve been trying to be considerate of his feelings and this is where it gets me. Fine. Time all of this was out in the open anyway. Past time,’ Sugizo thought as he steadied himself.
“We have a bond now because we had a bond then.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “We were in love, Yoshi—plain and simple. We weren’t just drinking buddies or bed partners…we loved each other.”
Now it was the guitarist’s turn to take a long drink and like Yoshiki, his hands were shaking.
“That wide band ring that I wear all the time? Every show, every photo session, every interview? The one you don’t see me without? It was Hide’s. He gave it to me—took it off his hand and put it on mine. It’s even engraved on the inside.”
With that, he got up suddenly and left the room, leaving Toshi and Heath looking at each other while Yoshiki stared into his scotch glass. He looked as if he were fighting hard to hold back the tears.
Heath didn’t know how to take all this. While he did know most of it already, one or two things had been a revelation. And then there was Yoshiki. The bassist did feel sorry for him on the one hand—finding out this way that the man he’d considered his back then truly wasn’t--but on the other hand…he had brought some of this on himself being so assuming and arrogant about Hide to Sugizo. Heath really didn’t blame the guitarist for laying all the cards on the table like he did. He just wondered how his friend had managed to hold his tongue about Hide all this time.
Soon, Sugizo came back in the room carrying the band ring that meant so much to him.
“Here, look—it’s clearly not a wedding band, but look at the inscription on the inside.”
With that, he held the ring out to Yoshiki who took it and held it up to see the inside surface. After a couple of seconds, he passed it off to Toshi who was still sitting next to him on the couch.
“Names, a heart, and ‘love you’,” he said and then carefully handed it back to Sugizo. “That’s sweet—no wonder you cherish it like you do,” he added with a warm smile.
The guitarist then passed it over to Heath. “I think you’ve seen this already, haven’t you?”
Heath nodded his dark head and held onto the ring like he was afraid of dropping it. “Yeah, I’ve seen it. You showed it to me years ago.”
“So why am I the only one who didn’t know any of this?” the blonde asked, clearly feeling all of the liquor he’d put away since lunch.
“You’re not. I didn’t know a lot of this either,” Toshi admitted. “But then, most of it isn’t my business, so…”
“Yoshi, honestly…the reason I know a lot of it is because Sugi and I have had a lot of late night, drunken conversations over the years. I think he’s just been trying to save your feelings, not keep things from you,” Heath offered.
“And just look where it’s got me…” Sugizo spat with more than a little attitude. “Listen, if you want to clear this whole fuckin’ thing up right now, we can ask the man himself. I’m kinda surprised he hasn’t just spontaneously shown up, to be honest.”
“Yeah, me too. That’s exactly what I need—to be told by Hide himself that he didn’t care for me like I thought he had… Call him, please! Come on, what are you waiting for?!” Yoshiki said loudly, purposely sliding off the couch to sit in the floor.
“Oh god…it’s allll about you, isn’t it? Always has been, always will be,” the guitarist said, looking down at him shaking his head.
Just then, Sugizo’s phone went off with a message from the security detail downstairs. They were making sure that he was at home before bringing Luna up. He let them know to go ahead and come up.
He looked back up at everyone and made an announcement.
“Okay, Luna is home from school. We need to chill out, okay? Heath, will you please take these bottles back into the dining room for me? Yoshi, if you want to stay in the floor that’s fine by me, but try not to act drunk okay? Toshi, can you keep an eye on him for me?”
“I’m a grown man—I can look after myself, thank you,” Yoshiki said with a slight slur to his words.
That flew all over Sugizo.
“Listen, Leader-San…I still have to be careful until after the final custody hearing. This is my house and I will not have you showing out in front of my daughter. Are we clear?!”
Yoshiki saluted him and said, “Yes, sir” in a rather sarcastic manner. When Sugizo heard the door opening, he pointed a warning finger at the blonde and turned to leave the room.
“Luna, honey? Hey! How was school?” he asked as she came in followed by Hinata.
She gave her dad a hug and sighed. “Too long. How was your day?”
“Oh, you know…just the usual,” he replied, hoping she couldn’t read his expression too well.
“I’m gonna dump this in my room and then I need a snack! It’s been too long since lunch,” she said, indicating her heavily-laden backpack.
“Oh, Papa,” she started, coming back out of her bedroom, “Can you come to my school sometime soon and talk to the music class? This would be a violin talk, not guitar,” she said with a giggle, going into the kitchen and nearly colliding with Heath who was carrying a tray full of dishes including four cups of hot coffee.
“Oops! Sorry, Uncle Heath,” she said and helped him steady everything. “Who is all this for?”
“Your dad, me, and Yoshi and Toshi who are in the living room,” the bassist answered.
“Oh?” she asked excitedly. “Let me help.”
Luna took the tray from Heath and went into the living room, followed closely by Heath and her dad.
“Hi Uncle Toshi, Uncle Yoshi. Here’s your coffee,” she said, putting the tray down on the table and then coming around to hug each of them. “Uncle Yoshi…are you okay?” she asked innocently, noticing that he didn’t seem himself. “Why are you in the floor?”
The blonde smiled up at her, but didn’t say anything. Toshi spoke up instead. “He’s just fine, baby. Had a long day so far.”
She just nodded and turned back to her dad, giving him a look that said ‘Okay, drama queen’. Heath couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Saw Hide,” Yoshiki said quietly.
That caused Luna to turn back around in excitement and caused her dad to look over the top of her head at Yoshiki with a stern expression.
“You finally saw him, huh?! Isn’t he just gorgeous?!” she gushed, happily plopping down on the loveseat next to Heath.
“You’ve seen him?” the blonde asked, trying his best to sound sober.
“Oh yes! Once with Papa and Uncle Heath and Uncle Toshi and then a couple of times since by myself. He’s such a sweetheart—wish I’d had him here growing up,” she said, a sad note in her voice.
Sugizo made a mental note to talk to his daughter about these solo conversations she’d had with his pink-haired friend as this was news to him.
“I’m sure he wishes that too, honey,” Heath said sweetly, rubbing her back.
“Yeah, he did say that. But I’m glad you finally got to see and talk to him, Uncle Yoshi! He told me how much he wanted to talk to you, but he was afraid of upsetting you.” She paused. “He did upset you, didn’t he?” she surmised.
When the blonde didn’t answer right away, Toshi again spoke up for him. “I think he’s still in shock a little,” he said, looking at the girl with a reassuring expression. “He’ll be okay once he has time to let everything sink in, I’m sure.”
“Oh yeah. I was nervous the first time too—even crawled up into Papa’s lap,” she said with a laugh. “But Uncle Hide’s not scary at all. He did everything he could to make sure I wasn’t afraid. I just adore him.”
Those sweet words coupled with the happy expression on his daughter’s face that he knew Hide had put there, went a long way in helping to calm Sugizo down.
“Hey, I thought you were in desperate need of a snack, Kitten. There’s plenty of stuff in the kitchen,” he said, stroking her long dark hair.
She chuckled and got up from the loveseat. “Okay, I can take a hint. Got homework to start on anyway.”
Luna waved to Toshi and Yoshi just in case they were leaving soon and went to find something to munch on.
“She is so much like you,” Toshi said with a big smile. “How’s the fulltime parenting gig going anyway?”
The guitarist shrugged, taking the seat vacated by Luna. “Not bad, actually. We haven’t gotten into a fight yet though…just wait.”
“Oh, she adores you. I can’t imagine what you’d fight about.”
“Tosh, she adores me now…wait until I have to tell her ‘no’ about something. Or have to ground her. Or tell her she’s too young to date…it’s coming sooner than I’d like to think.”
“Gonna let her date before she’s 30, I hope,” Heath interjected.
Sugizo shrugged. “28 maybe. 25 if she’s exceptionally well-behaved,” he said with a laugh.
While they were talking, Yoshiki had started struggling to get to his feet and Heath moved over to help him get up and steady him.
“Bathroom, please,” he said quietly.
“Heath, help him to mine please,” Sugizo said.
“Will do,” the bassist replied with a nod, gently leading their friend out of the room and down the hall.
The guitarist turned back to Toshi. “While they’re gone, I just want to apologize for all the shit you’re going to have to deal with once you two leave here. I don’t know if I’d ever really planned to tell Yoshi any of that or not, but I certainly didn’t want it to come out like that. I’m sorry, Tosh.”
“Yune…don’t be sorry. Seriously. I tried to stop him from bringing it up—you saw that—but he insisted so…there ya go. If anything, I should be apologizing for him. I love him dearly, but he can be so headstrong and arrogant sometimes. And he’s always been that way about Hide, you know. Maybe it was time someone put him in his place.”
“Maybe…but I hate being that way, especially to a friend. I hope he’s not going to resent me from now on because of what he found out today, but hey…I just told him the truth. I can’t really help what he does with it,” Sugizo replied.
“Exactly. I have to confess to having been curious about you and Hide back in the day. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but I noticed things. Like when you started wearing that collar when we’d all go out and you were always right beside him.” He stopped and smiled. “You still have it too, I’ll bet.”
The guitarist blushed slightly and nodded.
“I will say this though—knowing what I know now, I think you made him very happy,” Toshi said quietly.
Sugizo swallowed hard and nodded. “I hope so,” he said, his bottom lip quivering slightly.
“Listen, this probably isn’t the time to talk about this, but can I ask you something? If you don’t want to answer me, just say so, okay?” the vocalist asked.
“Okay, fair enough. What is it?”
“Now granted, I wasn’t around a lot for quite a while, so I may have just missed something, but…have you had any serious relationships since Hide? I do have a reason for asking, I promise.”
Sugizo remained quiet for a few moments, but then he decided it’d be okay to open up to Toshi. The man really was becoming like a brother to him.
“No, I really haven’t. I’ve dated several people—mostly men, a couple of women as well—but not for very long and nothing serious. I do have a few so-called friends with benefits, but I haven’t really dated anyone recently. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I was just thinking… No, that’s not true. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now. I know you and Heath have been friends for a really long time now, but…have you ever thought about dating him?”
He paused to see what Sugizo’s reaction would be. What neither man knew was that the subject of their conversation had been heading back into the room and stopped short when he heard his name.
‘Why are they talking about me?’ he wondered, staying quiet and staying just close enough to the door to hear what they were saying.
Getting a somewhat positive reaction, Toshi continued.
“Now listen…he’s like my little brother, so I’m not making this suggestion without thinking about it first…and if you ever hurt him I’d have to disappear your ass, but…” he paused as they both laughed.
“But you guys seem really good together and the way you were with him at the hospital…I had to disappoint a couple of nurses who thought you two were just the most adorable couple. But really, have you thought about it?”
“Actually, yeah—I’ve thought about it. Hell, Hide has even asked me about it!” he stopped and laughed.
“And what did you tell him? If you don’t mind my asking,” the vocalist replied.
“I told him that yeah, I was interested—I just didn’t think Heath was interested in me. Not dating, anyway…if you catch my meaning.”
Toshi chuckled. “I get what you’re saying. So Hide would be okay with you dating Heath?”
“Oh for sure. He doesn’t want me to be alone. Even if I couldn’t ask him directly, I’d still know that,” Sugizo said with a smile.
“Okay, here’s where you can tell me to mind my own business if you want: Do you think your feelings for Hide and the pain you still carry because of his passing has kept you from finding someone?”
The guitarist sighed. “At first, I would say ‘yes’. I didn’t want to be around anyone at all for months, except Luna and a very few friends. I even had a hard time just going out in public for a while because I would inevitably see something that would remind me of him and I’d just absolutely lose it. Things got better after a while though. It’s been 14 years now and while I still love him and he’ll always have part of my heart, I feel like I’m perfectly capable of having a serious relationship with someone.”
Toshi gave him a warm smile and got up off the couch to hug him. “Good…because you deserve to be happy. And so does Heath! I really want to see both of you happy! Why don’t you ask him, Sugi?”
“I’ve been thinking about it, but I wanted to give him a chance to fully recover before I laid anything like that on him, know what I mean?”
Toshi nodded. “And now he has.”
The guitarist chuckled. “Yes, and now he has.”
“Hey, what did your mom teach you about listening at keyholes?” Yoshiki said quietly, having stepped up behind Heath in the hallway.
The bassist jumped and spun around, knowing he’d been caught.
“Yoshi, dammit…you scared the life outta me!” he hissed. “I just didn’t want to interrupt their conversation, that’s all.” Heath paused and took a deep breath. “How’re you feeling? You okay?” he asked, placing a hand on the drummer’s arm and looking intently at his face.
“Drained, to be honest. It’s been a long, upsetting…weird day.” He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall.
It was obvious that he’d been crying while in the bathroom as his eyes were more swollen and redder than they’d been earlier, despite his attempts to hide it. Heath couldn’t help but feel for the man.
“Yo-Chan, we all love you…you know that, right?” the bassist asked, pulling him into a hug. “We’re like brothers, and well…sometimes brothers fight. But we’re still family.”
“I need to apologize to Sugi—and I need to talk to Hide again, one on one this time. Think he’ll talk to me? Hide, I mean.”
“Yeah, I feel sure he will. He’s been wanting to anyway,” Heath assured him.
“How do I do it? How do I know if he’s around for me to talk to?” Yoshiki asked.
“Sugi is the best one to ask about that, but I think if you just sit down and be calm and then call out to him, he’ll usually hear you. You have to be patient though.”
Sugizo then came out of the living room looking for his friends.
“Hey…I was beginning to get worried. You both okay?” he asked, looking from Heath to Yoshiki and then back again.
“Yeah, we’re good. Was just heading back into the living room, actually,” the bassist said while the other man simply nodded.
Sugizo sighed and looked at the blonde. “Are you okay, Yoshi? I’m sorry about getting upset with you earlier.”
Yoshiki gave a bit of a humorless laugh. “Don’t apologize, Sugi. I should be apologizing to you.” He stopped and just shook his head.
“Listen, what’s important is that we both love Hide and now we have the incredible privilege of talking to him and having him close by. That’s what’s important,” the guitarist said. “Now, let’s all go back in the living room before Toshi sends out a search party.”
Not long afterwards, Yoshiki and Toshi said their goodbyes to everyone and headed back home, leaving one of their cars there as Toshi had determined that his fiancé was in no shape to drive. Yoshiki didn’t like that much, but Toshi wouldn’t be deterred, so in the end he gave in.