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Namjoon doesn’t know how it comes up. He’s a little tipsy, enough that he’s started to speak in broken English phrases and isn’t afraid of reaching out for a little more physical affection than usual. His legs are thrown across Taehyung’s lap and he’s more focused on playing with Jungkook’s hair than the conversation the group is having, which is why it comes as a total surprise when Hoseok says, “Remember when Taehyung and I kissed on Rookie King?”
A few of the members snicker, including Taehyung. “What was it for, a punishment?” Jin says. “I still feel bad about it. We should have stepped in.”
“It was too unfair,” Jimin agrees. “It’s kind of cruel, honestly. I’m glad we don’t have to do that sort of thing anymore.”
“I’ve always felt bad about it,” Hoseok says. His face is bright red and he’s gradually gotten more subdued throughout the night, but he’s a good listener and empathetic even when he’s drunk. “I mean, it was your first kiss. That’s important to teenagers.”
“I was just glad that it was you. It was uncomfortable because we were on camera, yeah, but I trust you and that’s why I wasn’t super upset about it,” Taehyung says. He lifts his drink, and Hoseok touches the edges of their glasses together. “The past is in the past, right?”
“Sometimes you might think otherwise,” Yoongi grumbles, but nobody seems to hear. It’s probably for the best, Namjoon thinks.
“Hey, and like I’ve said before,” Taehyung says with a smirk, “I wasn’t lying when I said I enjoyed it.”
The entire table erupts into chaos. Jin screeches and accidentally dumps his drink on himself. Yoongi starts cackling, loud and obnoxious like he does only when he has a few glasses of wine in him. For some reason, Jimin has launched half of his plate of food into Hoseok’s lap and Hoseok is standing up and pumping his fists in victory. Jungkook sits quietly and continues chewing on a piece of fried chicken, but he’s grinning, too.
Taehyung jostles Namjoon’s legs off his lap as he reaches across the table to high-five Hoseok, who is still hollering so loudly that the sound of it rings in Namjoon’s ears. Namjoon frowns and curls a little closer to Jungkook, who pats his head sympathetically.
The other five boys settle down eventually, only when Taehyung and Hoseok have hugged enthusiastically and have made it clear that they aren’t planning on an encore performance of their kiss.
“I know that I’m good,” Hoseok says smugly. There’s a small splat as a leaf of kimchi falls from his lap to the floor. “Even Taehyung agrees. Yoongi isn’t the only one around here who knows what he’s doing.”
Jimin huffs indignantly and Yoongi rolls his eyes. “We don’t actually know if Yoongi is good at… any of what he implies,” Jin says, nose scrunching up. “It’s all self-proclaimed.”
“You wanna test that out and see?” Yoongi scoffs.
It takes a while for the table to quiet down after that, too. Jungkook seems less interested than last time, and especially not very interested compared to how he usually plays into his hyungs’ antics. He feeds Namjoon the last piece of chicken and absentmindedly wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin afterwards. Namjoon lets him, because he doesn’t exactly hate being taken care of and he’s too tired to protest. He’s always had a soft spot for Jungkook and hates to deny him.
“Wait, so have any of us not had our first kiss yet?” Taehyung asks out of the blue, and suddenly Namjoon feels very, very awake.
The members look at each other, but nobody raises their hand. They’ve all come to Namjoon at some point to talk even though they’ve never had a real conversation about it like this as a group, even though they’ve gone over sexuality and gender expression and much harder topics than this.
“I haven’t,” Namjoon admits, and the boys go quieter than Namjoon thinks that he’s ever heard them.
Jungkook stops running his hands through Namjoon’s hair. He looks confused. So do Jimin and Yoongi.
“In my defense, I’m just too busy,” Namjoon says. He’s too scared to look around at the members, because if they aren’t teasing him yet, then they know that he’s serious. He wishes that Jungkok would keep petting him. Jungkook reveres him in such a way that he isn’t usually phased by things like this. “I haven’t dated anyone I like. It’s not a priority to me.”
“It doesn’t have to be, hyung,” Jungkook says, just like Namjoon had hoped he would. His fingers twitch, and then he starts stroking Namjoon’s hair again, like he isn’t sure if he’s allowed to. But he is, he always is, and usually Namjoon doesn’t even have to say something like that for Jungkook to know.
“He’s right,” Yoongi says. “You don’t have to do anything you feel pressured into. There’s no time limit.”
Hoseok says, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, either. It’s kind of overrated, anyway.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just...” Namjoon sighs heavily. He wishes that he could have Hoseok’s privilege to say such a thing. “I’m busy and it’s not easy for us.”
One of Jungkook’s hands curls around Namjoon’s thigh. Namjoon doesn’t even know if Jungkook notices, because this is completely normal and natural for them, but his touch is searing.
“We believe in you,” Jimin says. He’s smiling just a little, and this is somehow even more comforting than his words. “We’ve got your back. All six of us. Whatever you need, whenever.”
The other members agree, and Namjoon thanks them, but changes the subject soon after. It’s awkward and Namjoon has no real explanation for himself, and it’s not something that the other members can relate to. Namjoon isn’t the only one who feels the tension. Dinner ends sooner than anticipated.
Namjoon isn’t entirely surprised when Jungkook sticks close to Namjoon’s side when they leave the restaurant and return home to the dorm. He does this sometimes, when he’s tired or drunk, like he’s not asking for it but he wouldn’t complain if Namjoon took care of him. Namjoon lets Jungkook follow him around like a lost puppy until Jungkook follows him into his room and shuts the door, and then he attempts to ask what’s wrong.
“I want to tell you something, hyung, if that’s okay,” he says, and Namjoon has never been able to deny him anything.
“Of course,” Namjoon says, even though he has a sinking feeling that he knows exactly what Jungkook is referring to.
“If our roles were reversed,” Jungkook says, “you’d tell me that my first kiss only matters so much as I want it to matter. And I think you still believe that.” Jungkook waits for Namjoon to nod before continuing. “But I wanted to apologize for the group’s behavior. I hope we didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
“Oh, Kook,” Namjoon breathes. “You didn’t. You couldn’t.” But Jungkook is already shaking his head, and—Namjoon has made it worse. “It’s fine, really. You guys know everything about me anyway.”
“You still have a right to privacy,” Jungkook argues. “Say it, hyung: ‘I have a right to privacy.’”
“‘I have a right to privacy.’” Namjoon sighs and rubs his forehead. It’s cute that Jungkook has adapted Namjoon’s habits and general opinions on things, but sometimes Namjoon prefers making other people think more than he likes to make himself think. “I’m sorry, Kook. I’m tired. We can talk more later if you’re really worried about it.”
“It’s okay. Have a good night, hyung. Sweet dreams.”
None of this is new, but it feels groundbreaking. More and more lately, Jungkook has been catching Namjoon off-guard with how attentive and sweet he is. Namjoon doesn’t know why it’s affecting him so much.
He falls asleep that night feeling a little disconcerted and craving the warmth of a loved one next to him.
After filming War of Hormone, the group had made bets on how Jungkook would announce his first kiss. Most of them agreed that it would be something grand, because Jungkook had still been in school at the time, and he’d had a comparatively easier access to girls than the other members, so it made sense that he would brag about his romantic endeavours when he did, inevitably, experience them.
Namjoon had literally spit out his drink when Jungkook mentioned one day, in passing, that he’d had a girlfriend predebut, and he’d kissed her all the time. There were even pictures, which Jungkook had taken much delight in showing Namjoon once he’d seen the horror on Namjoon’s face following his announcement.
Namjoon hadn’t thought much of it, because a thirteen-year-old’s relationship wasn’t really an actual relationship, so Jungkook wasn’t more experienced than Namjoon. Namjoon did start thinking a lot of it when Jungkook turned twenty-one and could legally drink in the United States, and not a lot of people would recognize him there, and they’d made it big, big enough that Jungkook could bring someone back to his hotel room for the night and nobody would know. Namjoon hadn’t even considered the possibility of Jungkook being bisexual when he was younger, not until Jungkook had hinted about it while they’d recorded their cover of Fools and then confessed to Namjoon about it while they’d worked on I Know together.
In his heart, Namjoon knows that romantic experiences don’t define a person. He does, however, feel uncomfortable knowing that his maknae is more romantically and sexually experienced than he is, and that he hasn’t had his first kiss yet even though he’s a healthy, good-looking pansexual man in his mid-twenties.
It doesn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter, and nobody even has to know that he hasn’t. Namjoon is doing many other things that most people would trade kissing for, like touring the world, accomplishing all of his wildest dreams, and making millions of people feel happy and loved. He isn’t even jealous of Jungkook—what he feels is more like a sad type of self pity.
So when Jungkook approaches Namjoon the next morning, the last thing that Namjoon expects is for Jungkook to offer to remedy his problem.
What he says exactly—although Namjoon isn’t entirely sure that he’s heard Jungkook correctly even after he’s asked Jungkook to repeat himself—is: “Hyung, I’ve been thinking a lot about last night. If you wanted to—really, only if you want to—I could—not because I’m offering—you could—maybe have your first kiss? With me? But no pressure?”
Of course it doesn’t feel real. It feels more like a dream. Definitely not a nightmare.
Namjoon’s heart is pounding so hard he can feel it in his throat. His feet are glued to the floor and his eyes to Jungkook, whose cheeks are red and his hands fidgety. “Are you asking if you can be my first kiss?” he squeaks.
“Yes. I don’t know. I guess?” Jungkook says. He sounds just about as confused as Namjoon feels. “If you want me to be? If you want—kisses, are you into that?”
Namjoon stares at him. This is Jungkook, the very same Jungkook that Namjoon had more or less raised, the Jungkook that had chosen BigHit Entertainment because of him. Jungkook, who has grown into himself so beautifully. It’s been impossible to ignore how much hotter he’s become in the last few months, not only because he’s grown out his hair and because he has killer thighs—which don’t hurt either—but because he’s become more so much more confident and comfortable with himself.
Namjoon trusts this Jungkook. He loves this Jungkook. But he hasn’t ever thought of something like this with Jungkook as something tangible—or really thought of it at all, attached to him in the kind of way that comes from a need for each other in order to be happy and successful.
“I am,” Namjoon says. “You—you’d want to do that? With me?”
“It would be an honor,” Jungkook says, and his voice cracks on the last word. “I love you and I’d do it if you want.”
“Do you want to?”
“If you want to.”
Jungkook smiles nervously. Namjoon takes a deep breath. There isn’t any better option than Jungkook. It definitely wouldn’t be bad. Jungkook would make it fun. It’s a lot to think about, and technically he has nothing to lose, but…
“What if I’m bad at it?” Namjoon says. “Or if I mess up and it gets weird and it bothers the group?”
Jungkook is already shaking his head before Namjoon can finish speaking. “That won’t happen,” he says. “It’s not as complicated as you think. And I know that the other boys tease, but they love you, too, and they’ll support you.”
“You’re sure?”
“The worst that happens is that you can just tell them that you met somebody and did it for fun.” Jungkook shrugs. “They don’t have to know. It’s your business, and if you want to tell them, I’m fine with that, too. We’re both out and I’m not ashamed to be kissing you.”
Something about that makes Namjoon uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to place it. It’s not because Jungkook is suggesting that he hide the kissing from the other members; Namjoon has hidden things from them before, when he’d been desperate for privacy or even a breath of air between them. It hasn’t always been easy, but it isn’t that.
Namjoon doesn’t know what to say. Besides his discomfort, Jungkook has been nothing but incredibly sweet and considerate and it’s overwhelming. Instead of responding directly, Namjoon averts his eyes and says, “I think too much.”
“You know what solves that?” Jungkook says. His grin is wide and mischievous. He bops Namjoon’s nose as he says, “Kissing.”
Namjoon buries his face in his pillow and shouts something unintelligible into it. It’s really because he can feel heat traveling from his face down his chest and he doesn’t want Jungkook to see, but Jungkook laughs anyway. When Namjoon resurfaces, they decide on tomorrow for Namjoon’s first kiss, because Jungkook insists that Namjoon should have time to think about it back out if he wants to, and Namjoon’s chest aches when he thinks about how much Jungkook has grown.
Namjoon wakes up to a good morning text from Jungkook, featuring two smiley faces, a heart, and a kissy face emoji. Namjoon is skeptical, but sends one back, and it’s worth it, because he gets a flurry of shocked emojis and hearts and various cute animal faces in reply. The real smile that Namjoon gets when he runs into Jungkook on his way to make breakfast erases all of Namjoon’s worries and energizes him all the way through their first dance practice.
Above all, Jungkook is a professional, and he doesn’t let the night’s promise get in the way of practice, or the concept meeting they have scheduled later in the day. Still, every time Namjoon’s thoughts wander and he starts to feel nervous, Jungkook seems to know, and always manages to comfort him, whether it be through a well-timed smile or a pat on the back, or the more intimate touches he indulges in when they’re sitting down together after they have makeup done before a photoshoot, when Jungkook hugs Namjoon close with one arm around his shoulder and keeps it there until he gets bored and starts giving him a massage.
Jungkook’s incredible awareness of how Namjoon is feeling at all times is probably how Namjoon makes it through the day without agonizing too much about what’s to come. At one point Yoongi catches Namjoon staring—the only time that Namjoon falters all day—and asks what’s wrong, and Namjoon is tempted to tell him. He doesn’t, though, even if Jungkook had reassured him that he doesn’t mind if the other members know. It feels better to keep it private, at least for now.
Jungkook sends Namjoon another text later that night, also full of smiley faces and hearts, just as Namjoon is finishing up in the studio. Jungkook tells him to come to his room any time, but Namjoon packs up as fast as possible, smiling to himself the whole time. He’s too far gone to be ashamed of how eager he is, and when Jungkook greets him at his bedroom door, he barely even feels nervous anymore.
“Hey, hyung,” Jungkook says, and Namjoon can hear the smile behind his voice even though his expression is much softer. He reaches out and takes Namjoon’s hands in his own and thread their fingers together, and Namjoon exhales a breath of air he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “I’m happy that you’re here.”
“Me, too,” Namjoon says. He looks down at their hands. Jungkook is tall and lean and has grown up a lot, but his hands are still smaller than Namjoon’s. “I, um. I don’t really know how to start.”
Jungkook squeezes his hands. “You don’t have to know,” he says. “You’re learning. I’m gonna teach you.”
“Yeah?”
Jungkook tugs Namjoon towards the bed and invites him to sit down. “I’m gonna take such good care of you, hyung. I’m going to make you feel so good.”
The way he says it is so innocent, so well-intentioned, that Namjoon doesn’t know how to process it. He’s dated people in the past, but he’s never had anybody treat him like this. Like he’s special, and like he deserves Jungkook’s full attention. Jungkook is still waiting for Namjoon to respond, looking at Namjoon like he’s his entire world, and Namjoon feels like he’s holding an entire galaxy in his hands.
“Okay,” Namjoon says. “I want to do this. No second thoughts. I’m ready.”
Jungkook’s eyes brighten. He tugs Namjoon farther up the bed, so that their backs are resting against his pillows. “We don’t have to start right away. I want to make sure that you’re totally comfortable first.”
Namjoon wants to protest and say that he is comfortable, and that he is relaxed, but he listens to Jungkook instead. Jungkook is taking every possible effort to take care of Namjoon, and Namjoon is okay with that as long as Jungkook is happy, too.
They end up curled up together with Namjoon’s head on Jungkook’s shoulder, just like it had been at the dinner two days ago. Namjoon likes feeling small, sometimes, and he likes this. He hadn’t considered before that Jungkook might be nervous, too, and only realizes it when the tension begins to leave his muscles. When Jungkook leans down and kisses Namjoon’s forehead, Namjoon looks up at him expectantly.
“Ready?” Jungkook says, much more quietly than he’d been talking before. He starts petting Namjoon’s hair, and when Namjoon nods, he doesn’t stop. “You don’t want to talk about anything else before we start? You’re sure you’re doing this because you want to and no other reason?”
“I’m sure. Thank you, Kookie.”
Jungkook pats Namjoon’s hair and encourages him to sit up. He arranges them so that they’re sitting somewhere between side-to-side and across from each other, and by the time that he’s satisfied, Jungkook’s face is very close to Namjoon’s.
Obviously they have to be close to kiss. But it doesn’t feel real until Jungkook, Namjoon’s baby, is there in front of him, touching him, and promising him that he’ll make him feel good.
“You’ve written all of my favorite love songs,” Jungkook whispers. One of his hands comes up to rest, steady, at the back of Namjoon’s neck. They’re so close that Namjoon can count every one of Jungkook’s eyelashes and feel his breath on his lips. “But you still haven’t been kissed yet. Why has nobody kissed you?”
“I—I don’t know,” Namjoon says. His voice comes out a little shaky and it’s embarrassing that he’s so eager for this. He’s been craving this kind of closeness for as long as he can remember and he’s so scared of letting go. “I don’t think that it’s because—I’m not good enough or anything. I really have been busy.”
“You work so hard,” Jungkook murmurs.
Jungkook tilts his head. Namjoon knows what comes next and his hands start to tremble as Jungkook fits their noses together. Jungkook’s nose is pretty. His hair is long and pretty, too, even though it’s covering Jungkook’s eyes. Namjoon doesn’t need to see them to know that Jungkook is looking at him like he’s stolen all the stars in the sky just for him.
“I love you,” Jungkook says, and it sounds like something more than the declarations of love Jungkook has offered him in the past. His eyelashes flutter shut and Namjoon’s breath catches in his throat. “Can I kiss you?”
“I love you, too,” Namjoon says. “Please kiss me.”
In the millisecond before their lips touch, Namjoon has a thousand thoughts.
If Jungkook judges him for his experience, he might never be able to face him again. He knows that Jungkook is good at everything, and that Jungkook doesn’t judge people who aren’t, but Namjoon knows that he won’t be able to measure up to Jungkook even if he doesn’t expect that for his first time. And Namjoon doesn’t know Jungkook’s true thoughts about him, like why he really agreed to do this, and Namjoon can’t just ask him out of the blue.
This can’t put the group in danger. The slightest shift in their dynamics will ruin everything, and Namjoon needs to be responsible enough, as their leader, to put the group before any of his own selfish desires. The group is good at communication, but will they be for this?
Is Namjoon really ready for this? He hadn’t been saving his first kiss for anyone in particular, but he’d gotten used to feeling like it would be something that happened very far off into the future. Namjoon isn’t religious and he doesn’t hold his virginity to any particularly high standard, but at one point he’d also been halfway convinced that he wouldn’t have time to have sex with his partner until after marriage.
Will this even feel good? Will it even be worth it?
And then, he realizes, just as he feels the softness of Jungkook’s mouth against his own, that he is ready, he does want this, that Jungkook only wants the best for him, and that this is for Namjoon and nobody else.
And that it feels good, so much better than Namjoon had been able to imagine. That, too.
Jungkook kisses him close-mouthed and soft, one of his hands tilting Namjoon’s head the way he wants him. Namjoon’s heart is pounding, but not out of nervousness anymore—it feels good and he’s happy and it’s not like the books say, like fireworks are going off inside of him, like his whole world has been turned upside down, but it’s real. It’s better.
Jungkook pulls away for just a second, and Namjoon almost whines at the loss of touch before Jungkook kisses him again, parting his lips and focusing on Namjoon’s lower lip. Namjoon copies him on instinct, and he feels it—when Jungkook hesitates, feeling him out, waiting for Namjoon to take charge.
Namjoon kisses him back, bolder, because it isn’t difficult, not like he’d been afraid of. This is Jungkook, and Namjoon just has to move so that he makes him feel good. It’s good. Jungkook sucks on Namjoon’s bottom lip for a little, not wetly, but it makes Namjoon shiver anyway. Jungkook lets Namjoon do the same to him, and gasps a little when Namjoon’s teeth scrape against him.
“Sorry,” Namjoon says, hardly above a whisper. He’s breathing hard, even though they haven’t been kissing for long. Jungkook is, too, and Namjoon doesn’t really know why, because Jungkook has done this before, but he doesn’t ask.
“No, it was good,” Jungkook says. “Are you good?”
Namjoon nods, as enthusiastically as he can, and Jungkook laughs, high and tinkling, before kissing him again. This time he kisses Namjoon deeper, harder, and it’s not even much of a big difference, but the angle is different and Namjoon feels like Jungkook is touching every part of him just like this. Namjoon tugs on the front of his shirt, pulling him close.
“Yes, like that, hyung,” Jungkook says. He takes Namjoon’s other hand in his own and presses it flat to the curve of his waist. Namjoon’s fingers twitch. Jungkook presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, and then lower, to his jaw. Namjoon has to stop himself from panting, totally unaware of how sensitive he actually is. “You can touch me anywhere you want, okay? Kiss me anywhere, too.”
Namjoon doesn’t get to consider where exactly Jungkook is referring to before Jungkook is kissing down the column of his neck, all the way to the hem of his shirt, and back up again. He pauses just before kissing Namjoon’s mouth again, and Namjoon has never felt more impatient in his life. There’s a hint of tongue, this time, and Namjoon parts his lips in surprise, wide enough for Jungkook to slip inside Namjoon’s mouth and open him up farther.
Namjoon had always found the idea of kissing like this to be somewhat off-putting, but it’s different like this, with Jungkook on his knees, rising above Namjoon, and making him feel small. It doesn’t feel weird with Jungkook doing everything he can to make this a good experience for Namjoon. When Namjoon slides his tongue against Jungkook, Jungkook whines in a way that sounds so excited for him that it couldn’t be further from a moan, and Namjoon is entirely okay with that.
Jungkook pulls away, and Namjoon frowns hard, groaning softly, unafraid of embarrassing himself now, and incredibly dazed.
“Do you like this?” Jungkook says, and the smirk on his face tells Namjoon that he knows exactly how Namjoon feels. “Do you want me to keep going?”
“Yes,” Namjoon says, and it comes out slightly strangled and very desperate. Jungkook smiles so widely his nose scrunches, and oh, he hopes that Jungkook won’t think that it’s weird if he kisses him there. He does, and Jungkook’s eyes crinkle. “Please.”
“Please what?” Jungkook teases.
Namjoon kisses him in response. Once, to the center of his mouth, and then again, under Jungkook’s ear, on his neck, where he had kissed Namjoon not long before. Jungkook hums appreciatively, and then squeezes Namjoon’s bicep, also appreciatively. Namjoon doesn’t have time to feel embarrassed before Jungkook is tilting his head up and capturing his lips again.
“I want you to write me a love song,” Jungkook says between kisses. It’s so easy now, now that Namjoon has experimented a little, to fit his mouth against Jungkook’s and make him feel good, kissing to a beat that neither of them can hear but that both of them are following. Namjoon will do anything as long as Jungkook keeps kissing him. “Will you, Rapmon-hyung? Just for me?”
Namjoon doesn’t correct him on the slip-up. It’s so Jungkook, and Namjoon finds it incredibly endearing, and always has. Anything for Jungkook. Namjoon kisses just underneath Jungkook’s lower lip, pressing his lips gently against the mole there, and Jungkook sighs, his grip in Namjoon’s hair tightening. Namjoon wants to kiss him everywhere he can, just to see how Jungkook will respond. “I will,” he promises. “Anything you want as long as you sing for me.” As long as you keep kissing me goes unsaid.
It isn’t particularly intense or heated, the way that they’ve been kissing, but Namjoon feels as though his entire world has shifted, just a bit. It feels so good because it’s Jungkook, a person that Namjoon loves even if he can’t quite figure out how to put a label on that feeling yet. It feels so good because this is something that Jungkook wants just as much as Namjoon does, and Namjoon trusts him.
Jungkook hasn’t kissed him again since he agreed to write his love song. Namjoon squirms a little until Jungkook presses their foreheads together. A shiver travels up Namjoon’s spine, the same way as when they’d kissed.
“Still feel good?” Jungkook says. His hands come up to cup Namjoon’s cheeks. Namjoon lets out a slow breath when Jungkook starts stroking him delicately. “If you like this and want to keep going we can.”
“Yes, please,” Namjoon says. He can feel Jungkook’s smile when he kisses Namjoon again.
This time, it’s less hurried. Namjoon isn’t as earnest to impress Jungkook because he knows now that Jungkook is happy either way. He’s more than content to feel Jungkook against him and soak up every second of it—not just the kisses, but the other ways that Jungkook is touching him, too. His hands against his face, his thighs caging his in, his solid weight a comfort to Namjoon. One of Namjoon’s hands stays circled around the small of Jungkook’s back, where Jungkook arches up into his touches, and the other falls to his thigh. Jungkook makes a tiny noise into Namjoon’s mouth, then, so different from the soft sounds of their lips catching and a rustling of fabric when Jungkook starts playing with the hem of Namjoon’s shirt. His kisses are so much more hot and wet now that he isn’t hesitating to use tongue.
Namjoon doesn’t know how long they kiss for, but at some point Jungkook pushes Namjoon down against the bed, and then lies down next to him, and they touch from their chests down. Jungkook slots one of his thighs between Namjoon’s, but there isn’t really any context to it. He just wants to get closer to Namjoon.
Namjoon couldn’t be more reluctant when he finally says, “It’s getting late, Kook.” His voice is raspy and deep and it makes Jungkook flush a little. Jungkook nods, steals one more kiss, and then two more, and when they finally separate, they’re laughing and can’t kiss anymore anyway.
They get ready for bed together. Namjoon is already wearing comfortable clothes, but Jungkook changes, and without much preamble. Namjoon doesn’t care and he goes off to wash his face on his own, but it means that Jungkook is comfortable in front of him, and even though it should be obvious by now that he is, it still makes Namjoon proud.
They brush their teeth standing next to each other, and Jungkook barely puts down his toothbrush before he’s slinging his arms around Namjoon’s shoulders and kissing him again. Namjoon doesn’t complain; he holds Jungkook steady and tight and kisses back the best he can. Jungkook pouts until Namjoon agrees to sleep with him and then pouts until Namjoon gives him a good night kiss, and Namjoon tries to convey all of his thankfulness and pride and happiness into that kiss.
Not once does he think that it won’t happen again. It’ll involve a discussion, of course, but it’s one that Namjoon is very willing to have.
“Thank you,” Namjoon says, just because he can. And then he adds, also just because he can, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Jungkook closes the gap between them and settles against Namjoon’s chest, lying sideways to curl his hands into fists against him and rest his head on Namjoon’s shoulder. Namjoon doesn’t let himself hesitate before he throws an arm around Jungkook’s waist to hold him close. “Good night, Joon.”
Jungkook falls asleep quickly, his breaths evening out and becoming deeper almost immediately. Namjoon’s excuse for haven’t having had his first kiss had been that he was too busy, but Jungkook works hard, too.
It had been convenient for Jungkook to offer, but convenience wasn’t why Namjoon had accepted his proposal. Would have said yes to any of his other bandmates? Namjoon shivers. He wouldn’t have. Jungkook has always been special to Namjoon, a safe place, their bond built off of their intense mutual respect for each other. To think of adding anything more to their relationship has always been forbidden, something Namjoon has never allowed himself more than snippets of. But right now, his lips tingle from their kisses, and he feels vulnerable, and he allows himself to consider it, just for a moment.
Maybe Namjoon thinks too much. He looks at Jungkook’s face, completely smooth and peaceful as he sleeps. His hair is pretty and curly and his eyelashes are longer than Namjoon has ever noticed. Why hasn’t he looked before? Jungkook is young and beautiful and hardworking and Namjoon hasn’t ever looked at him like this.
Namjoon feels creepy for watching Jungkook sleep, so he gets up and heads to the bathroom again. He won’t be falling asleep any time soon. With or without Jungkook so close, Namjoon is too excited and nervous to organize his thoughts enough to achieve peace.
When he looks in the mirror, he sees Namjoon, and the Namjoon of right now doesn’t look all that different from the Namjoon who had never been kissed before. Like Jungkook, his lips are red and his hair is ruffled, and maybe his skin is glowing a little more than usual, but other than that, nothing has changed.
Namjoon looks back over to the bed. Jungkook is there, sleeping peacefully. Namjoon’s heart lurches at the prospect of waking up next to Jungkook. He wants more, and it isn’t just because they’ve kissed. The Namjoon of today feels like a different person because Namjoon feels confident, and empowered, and he’s realized something that he hadn’t been able to before, and has explored options he didn’t think were valid, ones that Jungkook had recognized even before he had.
He knows what he wants now. He hopes that he knows what Jungkook wants, too.
Namjoon returns to bed and resumes his earlier position to make Jungkook comfortable. He doesn’t want Jungkook to wake up sore, both because he loves him and because he wants to do this again. Jungkook makes a tiny annoyed sound in his sleep, and Namjoon smiles fondly. He brushes Jungkook’s hair off his forehead and kisses him there.
In the morning, he’ll tell Jungkook what he wants, and they’ll move forward from there, together, fearlessly, because, as Jungkook had said, they will always love each other.