Work Text:
“I don’t think I realised when it was happening,” Payton says. “Our first Mandarin lesson was really short.”
“Hm,” River says.
They’re sitting next to each other on the piano stool, Payton keeping his eyes straight ahead. Or he’s sitting alone. Either way, he’s not looking at River.
“And then you kissed me,” Payton says. “And you left. Were you just trying to distract me from the fact you hadn’t prepared a full lesson?”
River laughs. “Do you think I kissed all my students?”
“No,” Payton says. “Did you?”
“Maybe it just seems short in your memory,” River says. “Maybe the kiss was just the part that stayed with you.”
Payton looks at River. He’s been trying so hard not to.
“It’s not the part I need,” he says. “I need to know Mandarin. The kiss is just a potential scandal. It could come back to bite me further down the line.”
River shrugs. “Maybe it won’t win you many elections. Does that mean it wasn’t something you needed?”
His hand is against Payton’s cheek.
“It’s not just the fight to get into office,” River says. “At some point you’re going to be there. And it’s not just the fight to get re-elected; you can only serve two terms. What are your policies going to be in your second term? That’s when you can fight for the things you actually believe in.”
What does he believe in?
“When you cleared out the gun store,” River says. “That was real, wasn’t it?”
Payton swallows. “It was a stunt.”
“But you did it for me as well. That was a cause you really believed in.”
There’s nothing he can do for River.
Payton shakes his head. “It’s a cause everyone believes in. Nobody’s for teen suicide.”
“Not everyone would tackle gun ownership to prevent it. Especially not everyone with their eyes set on the White House.”
He’s thought about that. It might have been a mistake. Throwing away the bigger picture for the sake of the student presidency. He needs to appeal to as much of the country’s population as possible, he needs to be vague on the most divisive topics, and it could come out that he made a dramatic stand against guns as a teenager.
“It wasn’t a mistake,” River says, quietly. “It was you. It was something you felt.”
“It was a stunt,” Payton says, again. “I just didn’t think it through.”
“You think everything through,” River says.
He can’t deny that.
River leans in and kisses him. It isn’t real.
-
Astrid has planted a tree in memory of River, despite the fact that Payton has already done that for his campaign. Or maybe for himself, or for River. It’s all a mess when he tries to think about it.
It could be a campaign move on her part. But Payton announced his planting, so the student body could come and watch and remember what he’d done for one of their own. Astrid didn’t announce this. There’s no audience. It’s a coincidence that Payton’s found her here, where the stream runs through the school grounds, installing a plaque by a freshly planted willow.
He doesn’t know enough about trees to know if it’s a weeping willow or a pussy willow. A sign of sorrow or a subtle dig: I was the one he wanted.
Maybe it isn’t about Payton. River was her boyfriend. It’s unfair to decide she isn’t really mourning him.
“Are you going to say something?” Astrid asks, not turning to look at him.
“What would I say?” he asks.
She looks over her shoulder, directly into his eyes. “Oh, I don’t know. ‘Sorry I killed him’?”
He pretends it’s an actual apology from her. Someone else taking responsibility, so he can stop asking himself if he really did cause this.
River hadn’t wanted to die alone. Maybe Payton killed him just by being there.
“I’m sorry he died,” he says.
He expects her to come back with something scathing. She just sighs, brushing damp earth from her expensive dress. “Me too.”
He edges closer to read the plaque. Astrid’s name isn’t mentioned on it. Is she not taking credit for this at all?
She misses River. That’s all. She misses River, and he’s trying to read ulterior motives into it because he’s forgotten what straightforwardness looks like.
“I can tell you what happened that day,” he says. “If you need answers.” He pauses. “I don’t know if there are any answers there. Maybe you’ll find something.”
She turns to face him, wary. Trying to read his motives, just as he’s been trying to read hers. “We’re enemies, Payton.”
He’s not sure what his own motives are. It’s true; she’s his enemy. But she’s also another person who loved River.
“We’ll still be enemies tomorrow,” he says. “I’m not trying to take that away from you. I’m just saying we could talk.”
-
“Trans rights are a major issue at the moment,” Payton says. “I think it could give us an edge if we make it clear how firmly we stand behind the trans community.”
James says nothing.
“We have a trans person on our campaign team.” Payton watches James carefully as he speaks. “I feel we might not be exploiting that to its fullest potential.”
“You’re saying you want me to go public about my identity,” James says.
“I’m saying that’s an option that’s open to us,” Payton says.
James pauses for a long moment. Sits back in his seat.
“I’ve considered it before,” he says. “There are rumours among the students already. If we address them directly, it could give a boost to our perceived honesty. It would definitely give a clear impression of our stance on trans rights.”
He’s considered it, apparently, and what he’s saying sounds positive. But he hasn’t proposed it.
“What do you think?” Payton asks.
“It’s a smart move,” James says. “It may lose us votes from some quarters, but the general trend among the students here is in support.”
Some quarters. Is switching their vote all that those quarters would do?
“Do you think it’s the right decision?” Payton asks.
“Like I said,” James says. “It’s smart.”
“Do you think it’s the right decision?” Payton asks.
James pauses. “For the campaign, yes. Morally, probably also yes. Having a visible trans student at this school may help to build support for the trans community beyond this election.”
It’s so tempting to take that answer at face value. This election is everything; what do the feelings of the team matter? This is the story of his rise to the top, and all the things that happen along the way are just points in that narrative.
“Do you want us to do it?” Payton asks.
He knows James won’t lie. They’ve all trained themselves out of lying. Evasions, half-truths, these are things you can get away with. Outright lying is poison if you’re caught.
“I want us to win,” James says.
“Okay,” Payton says. “We won’t do it.”
-
He thinks, Infinity doesn’t have cancer.
He thinks, Infinity’s grandmother is poisoning her.
He thinks, What if Infinity dies?
(He thinks about River.)
How would it affect the election?
(Infinity would be dead.)
It would probably elicit sympathy for his side.
(Infinity would be dead.)
He feels like he’s going to throw up. He has to tell her.
-
“You can’t just be Payton the candidate,” River says. His hand is warm on Payton’s cheek. “You have to be Payton the human, or there’s going to be nothing left after you win.”
“I think it’s too late,” Payton says, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t think Payton the human exists.”