Chapter Text
Emily's POV
The room is quiet, with the tick-tick-ticking of the clock the only source of the noise. My hands are fumbling with my bracelets.
You would think that after a year of therapy it would get easier, but it doesn't.
I look up when I hear a sigh.
"You have to tell me something, Emily. We can't sit in silence for the" Jacqui looks down at her watch, "twenty-eight minutes we have left."
I can feel the anxiousness coming off of my body in waves.
"She told Tobin," my voice strained, finally saying the thing that's been on my mind.
"She told Tobin what?" The tone of her voice lets me know she knows exactly what I'm talking about, but she's using one of the therapy techniques. 'Saying specifically what happened or how you're feeling helps you to accept it and move on,' or some shit like that.
My head falls back against the couch, my eyes staring straight up at the ceiling. "She told Tobin about January, and then we ended up getting in a fight about it."
I see her pause.
"How do you know she told Tobin, did she admit it to you?"
I run my hands over my face, frustrated. "No. Kelley called me and said she was surprised I told Tobin. And at first, I had no idea what she was talking about, but then I realized that I hadn't, and Kelley hadn't, so it had to be Lindsey.
And it was the first night I had gotten back from National Team camp, the one where she couldn't go. We had just been sitting on the couch cuddling because we missed each other like a lot, and then Kelley called and," I pause trying to find the right words. "And I had to ask her about it, I couldn't pretend like I didn't know, there was no way I could hide that I knew or lie about it.
So I asked her about it, and she was so...apologetic. She didn't mean to tell Tobin, she said it just came out. And from there Tobin talked to Kelley and Kelley talked to me. And...I lied to Kelley. I lied to her because I didn't want her knowing it was Lindsey who told Tobin. Because I knew that if I told her the truth, she would never forgive Lindsey ever, and I didn't- I couldn't deal with that."
I see her pause.
"Why did you tell Kelley that you told Tobin?" she asks with her head tilted.
I sigh and squeeze my eyes shut. "Because Kelley already doesn't really like Lindsey and if she knew, well Kelley would raise hell. And I just want them to get along."
"You wanted to protect her," she says quietly.
"I just want them to get along. I just want Kelley to forgive Lindsey and for Lindsey to trust Kelley."
The good doctor just looks at me before speaking again, "how did Lindsey telling Tobin make you feel?"
I bite my lip.
She raises her eyebrows at me, waiting for my reply. "I felt," I take a deep breath, trying to slow my heart rate, "so betrayed. I was so mad because I thought I could trust her, and this was the one thing that I didn't want people knowing. It wasn't- She just, she can't just tell people."
"Why don't you want people knowing?"
We both know the answer to that question, yet she still asks it, every single time she can.
"Because," I mumble through clenched teeth, "I don't want people to know."
"Because?"
"Because I associate it with being weak, and don't want people to see me as weak. I don't want people knowing, I don't want people finding out, I just, I don't okay." It comes out harsher than I intended but she knows that I don't mean it towards her.
"So it must have really hurt when Lindsey told someone after you asked her not to." She says it like a statement, not a question, because we both know that it's true.
"What hurt more was being mad at her after." My voice cracks at the last word, memories of our fight flooding my mind.
Her leaving, me sliding down against the door, the tears. And then the emptiness, the quietness that I wasn't used to. The absence of her, her smile, her perfume, just her. I hated how much I missed her, but that's what drove me to call her.
"So you forgave her?"
I nod.
"Why?" she asks, perplexed.
"Because when she left, I missed her so much that forgiving her was so much easier than staying mad. Like my body physically couldn't stand not being near her since we were both in Portland. Staying mad at her was just too hard for me to do, so I forgave her."
Jacqui hums and writes something down on her notepad.
"Do you think," she pauses, "that you might have forgiven her so easily because that made it easier to move on and focus on the good things in the relationship, rather than the little speed bumps?"
"We don't have speed bumps," my voice comes out harshly.
"Every relationship has speed bumps," she clicks her pen closed and sets it down in her lap. "Every relationship has it's own ebb and flow and that means that your's will too, especially considering how it started."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, defensively.
She raises her eyebrows, "you know exactly what it means."
"I just, I'm hoping that we can get passed all the bad things and focus on the good things. So I've been pushing them from my mind, I know it's not good," I roll my eyes ignoring her unapproving face, "and then everything will be okay."
"Do you believe that?"
"Well, she came out at practice the other day, which was a pretty big deal."
"Oh? I didn't think you guys had talked about her coming out," she sits up a little straighter with that news.
"I mean, we have. I've told her that I'm okay with going at whatever pace she wants, that I want her to feel comfortable and not push her ya know? And like, out of nowhere, she says she has an announcement to make and it was that we were dating."
Jacqui's face scrunches up in confusion. "So she came out by announcing it at practice?"
I nod my head and my hands start to twist themselves together.
She notices. "How did that make you feel?"
"Well, I wasn't ready for it that's for sure." I laugh nervously, hoping she buys it.
She doesn't.
My eyes fall to my hands and I can feel my breathing start to pick up. "I thought we would have had time to talk about telling the team and have some kind of plan. Something that we could talk about together and do together. I'm glad that she felt comfortable enough to come out, I love that she's feeling like that, but I just felt like I had all the power taken away from me...again."
My therapist is silent for a moment.
"Did you tell her that?"
I shake my head. "I couldn't take that moment away from her, she was proud almost, for being so straightforward that I didn't want my feelings to get in the way."
"What about it makes you nervous?"
I shrug, looking down at the carpet under my feet. "That someone will spill and then everyone will find out and it'll be like me coming out all over again. Not having a say at all and people finding out because of stupid gossip." My shoelace comes untied but I leave it, pushing it around with my other shoe. "I don't want the people we love and care about the most to find out because it was 'the talk of the dinner party' or something like that."
"Does she know what happened with you coming out?" she asks softly.
I shake my head no, still looking at the floor.
"Well, why don't you start with that? And then maybe from there, you can jump into how you want to handle things from now on since it should be a two-person decision since there are two people in the relationship."
I nod reluctantly, knowing that she's right, that I need to have that conversation with Lindsey for her to really understand how I feel.
"Are you sure you're in the right headspace to be pursuing this relationship right now Emily?"
My head jerks up at her words. She holds up her hands, signaling me to wait before I start to deny her claim.
"I just mean that there are things you haven't shared with her, which is okay, but if you plan on this relationship lasting, you need to be more open about the things that hurt you and your past. You can't spend the entire relationship avoiding the topics that upset you, it's not going to help either of you and it will only cause more pain in the end."
"I can't," I say softly, defeated.
"And why do you think that?" She moves to rest her elbows on her knees, the telltale sign I know we're getting to where she wants us to be.
"Because if I tell her how I really feel I'm afraid it will be too much too soon for her and it'll scare her away. Plus, with all the shit I've got going on, she doesn't need even more stress since she's still trying to accept the fact that she's dating a girl."
"She seems to be accepting it just fine," Jacqui says, writing something down on her notepad, again. Before she can say anything else, the large grandfather clock in her office rings, letting us know our hour session is up.
Closing her notepad, she says "I think we left off at a good starting point for next week. Your homework this week is to try and be more open with her about your feelings, whether that be your past or present feelings, that's up to you. But this is just the first step in the right direction."
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat.
She must see my hesitation because she pauses before standing up, "This is a good thing, I promise Emily."
I try to muster up the best smile I can, but I know it comes out like a grimace.
I don't pause at the receptionist desk on the way out, I know they'll have me scheduled already for my next appointment. And my next stop is Providence Park for team practice.
The short drive is filled with silence and thoughts swirling around my head.
"Are you sure you're in the right headspace to be pursuing this relationship right now Emily?"
"If you plan on this relationship lasting, you need to be more open about the things that hurt you and your past."
I pull up into the parking lot, looking for a certain blonde to be waiting by her car before I check my watch and realize I'm late. "Fuck fuck fuckity fuck," I mutter under my breath, reaching behind me for my practice bag.
I jog quickly to the locker room, stopping outside the door when I hear loud voices letting me know they haven't gone on the pitch yet. I take a deep breath, trying to make it look like I didn't just run here and was already out of breath. That wouldn't look too good for a professional athlete.
I open the door and stride on it, no one really paying any attention to the girl that shows up late, but my eyes scan the room for her. She has her back to me, deep in conversation with another one of my best friends, who nods in my direction. Lindsey spins on her heel and smiles when she sees me, leaving Tobin's side without even saying goodbye. Luckily she just rolls her eyes and smiles, not upset at all by the disappearance of her friend.
"Hi," she says softly, her eyes scanning my face for tear marks or any sign of how my appointment went.
When I drop my bag at my feet and my arms reach for her torso, she doesn't question it, wrapping her long arms around my shoulders, holding me against her.
"Ooooo-oof" I hear an Australian accent start to say, followed by the sound of someone getting hit and a groan of pain.
"Leave them alone." I recognize that voice as Hayley's and am grateful that she shut whichever Aussie it was up before they could cause a scene.
I go to loosen my grip on her and Lindsey takes it as a sign to loosen her hold on me.
"Everything okay?" she asks, looking down at me with concern in her eyes.
I nod, biting my lip hesitantly. "Can you come to my place after practice?"
She nods immediately, "of course, I might need to stop by my apartment and get some things but I don't think that should be a problem."
"Okay," it comes out of me like I'm releasing stress from my body, that cathartic feeling of everything going to be okay.
Her hand reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear but I shake my head, "Not here."
I glance around and don't see anyone watching us, but still, there are wandering eyes.
It's been over a week since our little announcement and luckily the excitement and haranguing from the team died down quickly, except Caitlin and Ellie of course. But I know that we'll never be able to live it down.
Besides Sinc, the only other person I was worried about was Mark.
He called both of us in after practice and had us sit down, the entire time my leg was bouncing up and down.
His hands were folded in front of him and I wasn't sure which way this would go. I stayed silent, biting my lip nervously and Linds was fidgeting with her hands the way she does when she's nervous too.
"So," he paused, "is this something I need to be concerned about?"
Lindsey shakes her head quickly, jumping to answer him. "No, not at all. We're keeping it super professional here, at practice, during games, during any Thorns event or travel or anything at all. You won't even notice."
He nods his head slowly before diverting his eyes over to me.
"You knew." I don't know what possessed me to say that but it jumped out of my throat before I could stop it.
"Emily!" Lindsey hits my arm, scolding me.
He shrugs and gives a small smile. "The Reign game...I just had a feeling."
And now it's my turn to be embarrassed, knowing full well that my actions were what gave us away.
"Anyways," he claps his hand, bringing out attention back to the present, "just don't let it impact your work and you're fine with me."
I nod and glance over at Lindsey, who is also nodding.
She looks over at me hesitantly and I glance back at our boss, standing up slowly, unsure if we were done or not. When he doesn't try to stop us we quickly get up and shut the door behind us.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and I can hear Lindsey do the same.
She turns to look at me and a smile makes its way to her face, and I know mine mirrors hers. Her hand reaches for mine and she pulls me in, her lips on mine.
"Not here," I whisper, trying so hard to push myself away even though that's the last thing I want to do right now.
"I need to tell you something," I say to Lindsey, as she's putting a forkful of lo mein in her mouth. We've been sitting on my couch, watching whatever show was on for the last half an hour, and the entire time I've been trying to figure out how to tell her.
She pauses, mid-bite, and I can see the hesitation on her face and in her eyes.
"It's nothing bad," I say quickly, "I promise."
She nods, moving her takeout box from her lap to the coffee table in front of us, and she sits up. "You can always tell me anything Em." The softness in her voice breaks down all the fear I had building up inside of me.
So, taking a deep breath, I tell her the story of how I "came out".
I tell her how it felt knowing that everyone now knew something that I had wanted to keep private, not because I was ashamed, but because I felt like it wasn't anyone else's business. Also maybe because I was ashamed, a teenage girl growing up in Marietta, Georgia, in a religious family. I tell her the story of how my parents came home from the grocery store and sat me down at our kitchen table and asked me if it was true. I leave out some details, the ones I know would upset her, like my Dad not talking to me for four days afterward, or the sticky notes I came back to at my locker, or the whispers during soccer practice.
I leave out the loneliness and the hurt I felt, the way suddenly all of my friends didn't have any time to meet up. I leave out the number of nights I cried in my pillow, and also the number of times Emma hesitantly opened my bedroom door peaking her head in before seeing me with tears running down my cheeks.
I leave out all of the hard stuff I've tried so hard to push away. One because I don't want to relive it, I already do that enough on my own, and two, I don't want Lindsey to know that people can be that cruel and heartless.
She was proud to come out, I knew that right away when she looked over her shoulder at me and smiled. Even though it took my way by surprise, I wasn't going to take that away from her.
That was her moment.
When I realize I've trailed off, lost in my thought, I find her staring at me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks softly, scooting closer so that she can wrap her arms around me.
I shrug, not really knowing how to respond.
"I didn't want to scare you with my coming out story, it was years ago so I don't really think about it a lot. I just wanted you to have a better experience than me and I'd really do anything to make that happen." I nod, looking down at her hand, the one that's holding mine.
Her other hand pushes a loose piece of hair behind my ear, her hand resting on my cheek, lifting my chin up.
"I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you before telling everyone at practice."
I shake my head, "No, don't be. It's okay. I promise." My hand reaches for hers and gives it a squeeze.
I can see the hesitation written on her face so I reassure her again. "Really, I'm glad you told them."
"Really?" she asks quietly, looking down at our intertwined hands.
"Yes. I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell people. That's huge," I say softly, my other hand reaching for her chin, pulling her eyes to look at me.
She's biting her lip nervously, I kiss her softly and feel some of the nerves slip away. She rests her forehead against mine and closes her eyes.
We sit like this for a minute, both of us just enjoying the feeling of the other's presence.
Lindsey starts sleeping over at my apartment more times than she sleeps at her own. Her clothes are strewn all over the place in the same fashion that mine are. Some are the aftermath of practice, the others from the times that we couldn't get our clothes off fast enough.
It's been almost a month since Lindsey made that announcement to the team, and so far everyone has respected our wishes of keeping our relationship private.
Of course there are jokes when one of us comes to practice with a purple bruise on our neck or collar bone. Lindsey blushes bright red, and I've learned to laugh at it sheepishly.
We're eating pizza one night when she sits up abruptly, putting her paper plate on the coffee table, making me turn my head from the show we're watching.
"I want to take you on a date."
I chuckle, moving my plate from my lap to the table next to hers. "Babe, you already do."
She shakes her head, "I mean a real one. Where we get dressed really nicely and go to a restaurant with white table cloths and wine and the waiter isn't wearing a greasy t-shirt."
I pause, not expecting this.
"I want to show you off," she says quietly, softly, like she's nervous.
"Okay," I say back. I've wanted this for a while but haven't built up the nerves to actually ask her, scared that she wouldn't want to take such a large leap.
"Yeah?" A small smile makes its way to her face.
"Yes. Of course. I want to go on a date with you." Her smile matches my own, and she laughs happily like she can't believe I said yes.
She leans across the couch, bringing her lips to mine. My hand finds her cheek and what started out as a quick something turned into a heated make-out session, our food forgotten.
"Gonna show everyone that you're mine," she says between kisses. Her hand makes its way to my hips and she holds me there.
"As long as I get to show everyone that you're mine too," I let out breathlessly, feeling flushed and heated.
"Yours," her lips find my jawline and she whispers the words into my ear. Both of us lost in each other, the show playing in the background, the pizza box sitting on the counter with the food surely gone cold.
The next kiss is more insistent, pushing me further into the couch, with her settling in between my legs. Her hands are leaving my hips, wandering higher and higher, until she skims her finger underneath my sports bra.
A moan escapes my lips and I can feel her smirk against my neck, where there will surely be a mark tomorrow that I'll have to hide.
She shifts to press a thigh between my legs and my body jumps. I wasn't expecting to be headed in this direction but I can't find it in me to complain at all.
"Off," she pulls at my bra again, whispering in my ear. I move my arm from around her neck to find the hem of my shirt, trying to take it off as fast as humanly possible.
When the shirt hits the floor, her lips move to my chest and I can't hold back the noises that are coming from my mouth.
"Linds," I say breathlessly, "should we-ah should we go to my room?"
She doesn't move her mouth from where she's attached to my breast but she shakes her head no.
I can feel the dampness in my athletic shorts and I know that I won't last long.
She places open mouth kisses down my chest, across my sternum, and then resting above my pelvis. Moving from one hip to the other, the tension grows as I know what's coming next.
Her thumb finds its way into the waistline and she pauses, looking up at me, her lips still on my skin.
She makes me come once with her mouth, and then again with her fingers before we make it to the bed. And then she comes with my fingers inside her, my lips on her neck, returning the favor of the purple bruise.
Later, when we're both breathless and sweaty, skin sticking to each other, she kisses me again and whispers, "Can't wait to show you off."
And for a minute I believe that everything is going to be okay.