Chapter Text
“It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children, we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments, when you just want to get real, to drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self. Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple-to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don’t recognize ourselves. Instead, we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually, it hits us, it’s been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the unknown, the comfortable, the familiar”
- Meredith Grey
…
Carson hated the rain.
It was a symbol of nothing but bad fortunes. Whenever it rained she could easily be found curled up on a sofa snuggled under a blanket with a good book. However, on this particular day, she was stuck at the hospital waiting for her father to finish up his meetings.
“I fucking hate this place,” she murmured to herself, causing her 10-year-old brother Ryan to look up from his video game.
“Oh, don’t look at me like that Ry, this place is terrible!” Carson said as Ryan looked at her sheepishly.
“Actually…” Carson sighed, turning her attention back towards the rain.
“Do not finish that sentence because something tells me you like Seattle more than I do,” Carson sighed as she watched the busy cars from the freeway pass the hospital.
She used to love hospitals when she was a little girl, back when things were simple. Now, she hated them. To Carson, hospitals ruined her family. Ironically, she still wanted to be a doctor just like her parents. She looked down at her phone and sighed; no signal, again. She wanted to talk to her mom, particularly to give her a piece of her mind.
Sure, she understood that she and Ryan were required to spend time with their dad but, what was the actual point of visiting Seattle when they saw more of his girlfriend Meredith than they did of him? Meredith Grey was the last person Carson wanted to see, especially since it was Meredith that caused her father to stop caring about their family. Okay so, that wasn’t entirely true but, it was Meredith that caused her mother to leave Seattle for Los Angeles.
Carson’s eyes were trained on the rain, lighting up when a patch of lightning began to move across the sky. She may have associated the rain with bad things, but she couldn’t resist watching it. It brought her a strange sense of comfort; however this time, the rain was unable to sustain her simmering anger and her growling stomach.
“That’s it, I can’t take this anymore,” she muttered to herself before she stood up, turning her attention to her little brother.
“Stay here, I’m gonna try and go find Dad,” Ryan gave her a simple shrug before his eyes were glued to the screen of his video game once more.
…
Carson knew the hospital like the back of her hand; she knew where all of the offices were, where the ORs were located, the Attending’s lounge, and the conference rooms. She knew what department resided on which floor. She even knew about all of the secret intern and resident hangouts. She’d practically grown up in the hospital over the last six years; she’d be an idiot not to know where everything was. As she walked down the hall in search of her father, she gave the nurses and attendings warm smiles.
Of course, she knew that their smiles were fake, seeing as everyone at Seattle Grace Hospital hated her mother. Well, that’s not exactly true, but her father was definitely more popular than her mother was. Once she made it to the surgical floor she stopped as she scanned the floor to see if she could spot her father. As usual, Derek Shepherd was nowhere to be found.
“Goddammit,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair as she spoke loud enough to garner people’s attention.
“Has anyone seen my dad? He was supposed to take us to dinner 30 minutes ago!” The longer she waited, the more she became increasingly annoyed, especially when no one seemed to know her father’s whereabouts.
“Derek Christopher Shepherd, Chief of Surgery, about this tall, great hair, they call him McDreamy, anyone seen him? Anyone? Ugh! I’m starving! He’s probably in some stupid board meeting or something…I hate this,” she grumbled before stalking off towards the attending’s lounge in search of one of the few people who might know where her father could possibly be hiding.
…
“So, how are you enjoying having Little Shepherd and Baby McDreamy staying with you?” Cristina Yang asked her best friend as the two of them, along with Alex Karev, Izzie Stevens, and Lexie Grey sat in the resident’s lounge.
“Ryan’s a great kid; he never gives Derek any trouble, but Carson…” Meredith sighed heavily. She wasn’t cut out for this stepmom stuff. Stepmom wasn’t a term she was particularly comfortable with and Carson sure as hell wasn’t comfortable with her using it either.
“She’s 16 and she’s stuck in Seattle; I’d be a bitch too if I were in her shoes. From what I hear, her life in LA is pretty great,” Izzie Stevens chimed in as Lexie Grey rolled her eyes.
“I happen to live with the girl and she’s so…vapid and shallow,” the younger Grey girl griped “She’s 16; she and Derek don’t exactly have the best relationship,” Meredith argued.
“Little Shep’s old enough to know what happened between her parents which is why she took Addison’s side in the divorce,” Alex Karev said with a shrug before leaning forward to grab a slice of pizza.
“I beg to differ; Baby McDreamy didn’t take sides,” Cristina pointed out.
“Cristina’s got a point, Alex,” Izzie said.
“The kid’s 10; he was barely alive when all of the crap when down. Besides, all he does is play video games like any other 10-year-old kid,” Alex reminded them.
“What are you people doing sitting around like there aren’t traumas happening in this hospital?” Dr. Bailey stood at the door of the resident’s lounge giving her interns a ferocious scowl as they all hurried to find something to do.
…
Mark Sloan and Callie Torres were laughing quietly as they walked down the hallway, following their perspective surgeries.
“Hey, isn’t that Carson?” Callie said.
“She’s probably looking for Derek,”
“Uncle Mark!” Carson said in a sing-song voice.
“Oh God…she’s about to do it,” Mark said as Callie looked at him in confusion.
“Do what?”
“She wants something; she’s about to play her best goddaughter card to get something; she knows I can’t resist her face. I mean she looks exactly like Addison, and she knows I can’t say no to Addison.”
“Oh, you are whipped,” Callie teased just as Carson walked up to them.
“Hey, Uncle Mark; oh, hey Callie,”
“Hey Carson, how’s it going? How’s your mom doing?” Callie asked as Carson smiled at her; she always liked Dr. Torres.
“She’s doing good,” Carson said.
“Uncle Mark? How much do you love your favorite Goddaughter in the whole wide world?”
“You’re my only goddaughter Carson…” Mark said with a sigh.
“That’s beside the point Uncle Mark,” Carson said, batting her eyelashes at him.
“All right, what do you want?” Mark sighed.
“I want to use your car,”
“You wanna use my what? You’re insane!”
“Aw come on Uncle Mark! I have my driver’s license,” Carson said as Mark eyed her skeptically.
“Addison’s letting you drive? As bad as she drives she’s letting you drive?”
“Funny, very funny Uncle Mark; Mom bought me a car for my birthday, remember? Shiny white BMW with the big shiny pink bow on top; you came to my party…”
“I can’t seem to recall,” Mark said with a smirk as Carson sighed heavily.
“Oh come on Uncle Mark! I’ll be good!”
“I’ll be good!” Mark mimicked.
“Hey! Don’t mock me! I’m serious!” Carson scowled.
“I’m serious!”
“Uncle Mark!”
“Uncle Mark!”
“It’s not funny!”
“It’s not funny!”
“Okay, I’m telling Daddy,”
“What are you, six?”
“No…” Carson said, looking down at her feet as Mark sighed heavily as he reached out to squeeze her shoulder.
“You miss that don’t you, having your dad around huh?”
“…So are you gonna let me see your car or not?”
“I don’t know…”
“I promise I’m a responsible driver! Please? Please? Please, Please, Pretty please with sugar on top and ice cream in the middle and…”
“Alright fine! Geez!”
“Thank you, Uncle Mark! I’ll be careful I promise,”
“Don’t go too far Carson,” Mark muttered.
“I won’t I promise!” she said giving him a quick peck on the cheek as she scooped up her designer bag and headed out the door.
“20 bucks says she wrecks your car,” Callie said with a smirk.
“50 bucks says Derek finds out I let her use my car and kills me,” Mark muttered, watching as his goddaughter made her way outside to his car.
…
Derek opened the door to his office and smiled, though his smile faltered when he saw his two children sitting on the sofa eating Chinese food.
“What’s all this? I thought we were supposed to be going out to dinner?” Derek said, dropping his suitcase near the door as he ruffled his son’s hair.
“We got tired of waiting so I used Uncle Mark’s car-“ Carson began as Derek frowned.
“You used Mark’s car?” Derek asked as Carson nodded.
“No big deal Dad, I have my license. Besides, Mom lets me drive all the time,” Carson shrugged.
“Carson this is Seattle and the weather is dangerous; you could’ve been hurt or killed,” Derek scolded.
“Relax Dad, it's fine. Ryan and I got dinner, you got to finish doing…whatever it was you were doing. Problem solved,” Derek sighed heavily as he stood in front of his daughter, clearly upset with her behavior.
“It’s not okay Carson and Mark should know better than to-“
“Don’t be so hard on Uncle Mark Dad,”
“Fine, then. I’ll be hard on you; you’re grounded, one week,” Derek said as Carson’s eyes widened.
“What?! You’re grounding me because I went and got food?! That’s such bull-“
“Do not finish that sentence, young lady. I’m grounding you because you didn’t listen to me. Carson, I understand that you’re 16 and you wanna drive but this isn’t Los Angeles. Seattle is dangerous and I’m pretty sure you used your charm to manipulate Mark into letting you drive his car,”
“So basically I’m grounded because I didn’t wanna starve while waiting around for you to get done? Nice dad, real nice,” Carson snapped as Derek sighed, holding out his hand for her cell phone.
“No way! I am not giving up my cell phone!” Carson shouted.
“Carson, cell phone, now,” Derek demanded, but Carson still refused.
“No! You don’t pay the bill mom does!”
“Carson I don’t have time for this; grounded means no cell phone, TV, or computer. It means you either sit at the house all day doing nothing or you sit here in the conference room all day doing nothing,” Derek said as Carson huffed, handing over her cell phone.
“Fine, being here with you is punishment enough anyway,” the teenager muttered.
“Meredith, can you drop Carson off at home for me?” Derek said as Meredith nodded.
“I’m not going anywhere with her…I don’t have to listen to her, she’s not my mother and she certainly isn’t your wife…you guys got married on a Post-it, that doesn’t count,”
“Carson, I don’t-“ Derek began as his daughter finally lost her cool.
“What? ‘I don’t have time for this Carson?’ Oh, I know! You have to work to do or a surgery to perform! Whatever, just leave me alone Dad,” Carson sighed as she motioned for her younger brother to follow her.
“Carson, don’t walk away from me,” Derek said as he followed his daughter into the hallway.
“What the hell do you want from me?!” Carson shouted.
“Watch your language!” Derek shouted back as Carson glared at him.
“Look, you’re sending me home so I’m going; what more could you possibly want from me?”
“My patience is wearing thin; I don’t know how much more of your back talk I can take. We’ll talk more when I get there,”
“No, we won’t because I’m done talking to you Derek,” Carson said, still ignoring her father as she continued to make her way towards the elevators.
“Since when did I become Derek?”
“Since you started acting like an asshole,” Carson muttered.
“I’m sorry what did you just say?” Derek asked, raising an eyebrow at his daughter.
“Nothing; fine, whatever you say, Dr. Shepherd,”
“Dr. Shepherd? Oh, so now I’m Dr. Shepherd,”
“Yeah, because you’re sure as hell not acting like my dad right now,”
“Well, you’re sure as hell not acting like the daughter I raised,”
“Technically you didn’t raise me…mom did that because you were hardly ever around,” Carson muttered, though she instantly regretted the words once they came out of her mouth.
“Dad I-“
“Get out of my sight! People’s lives are in danger and I don’t have time for you to be acting like a spoiled little brat! I don’t know how Addison is raising you in LA but when you’re here you’re not gonna tell me I’m a terrible parent, because if we’re gonna talk about terrible parents I’m not the one who screwed my best friend, your mother did that,” Derek said, though he too regretted the words once they came out of his mouth, especially after seeing the look on Ryan’s face.
“What’s he talking about Carson?” Ryan asked his sister who looked at their father completely horrified.
“Nothing Ry, Dad’s just being an asshole, that’s all. Come on, let’s go,” Carson said, doing her best to hold back her tears as she and her brother got into the elevator.
“But Carson-“ Ryan protested as his sister snapped at him.
“Let it go, Ryan!”
“Sorry I asked,” Ryan mumbled as he followed Carson into the elevator.
“Nice, real nice Dad. I hope you’re happy,” Carson said as the doors to the elevators closed, leaving Derek alone in the middle of the surgical floor remembering the look of hurt on his children’s faces.
…
Derek sat in his office with a glass of scotch and sighed heavily. How had his life fallen apart so badly? When he married Addison, he never expected things to sour between them. Sure they were civil towards one another for the sake of their kids, but everyone knew what transpired between them. What made matters even worse was that there were two kids caught in the crossfire. Was he wrong for how he reacted? Yes. He was still leery about Carson driving, especially in Seattle. He could’ve handled that in a better way, especially one that didn’t include him blurting out the fact that Addison had slept with Mark.
He shook his head as he took another sip of scotch. He let out a frustrated sigh as he tried to figure out how he’d gotten here. There was so much on his mind lately, particularly the case involving Gary Clarke’s wife.
“If I were you, I’d put the scotch away,” Richard Webber said, causing Derek to look up at him.
“Richard, I didn’t know you were there,” Derek said quietly.
“I was coming to see if you were okay. I heard about your blow-up with Carson earlier,” Richard looked at Derek sympathetically before making his way into his former office.
“Did you ever want kids with Adele?” Derek asked as Richard took a seat across from him.
“Adele wanted kids; I wanted to be successful, that’s what I wanted. I was a lot like you Derek; I was young, one of the best in my field. I felt like I had something to prove because I was a Black man, and at that time I did. So I worked hard and put all of my focus and my energy into work. The only real difference between you and me is that I didn’t have a Mark Sloan in my life. But I did have Ellis Grey and man, was it tough. I didn’t plan on falling in love with Meredith’s mother but, the more time you spend with someone, sharing your hopes and dreams and secrets with well…you know how that goes,”
“That wasn’t what happened between me and Meredith,” Derek defended.
“No, you were pissed off and drunk in a bar, met a cute girl, and took her home to help you get over the betrayal of your wife cheating on you with your best friend,” Richard pointed out; it was true, that was how his relationship with Meredith started.
“She’s like a breath of fresh air Richard; I love her,”
“You loved Addison too,”
“Addie was different; we only looked good on paper, that was it,” Richard sighed heavily before he stood up.
“Sometimes Derek, what we want, isn’t always what we need. Instead of fighting for your marriage, you took the easy way out and you ran away. Tell me something, when Addison was here, did you really try and work on your marriage because you wanted to, or did you stay for the sake of your kids?” Derek sat completely flabbergasted by Richard’s words.
“The look of shock on your face tells me all that I need to know. The sad part is that you don’t even see how big of a part you played a part in what happened to your marriage. Derek, I’ve known you since just before Carson was born. I know you and Addison almost better than you know yourselves; Carson has a right to be upset. Remember, she’s seen it all and she remembers everything,” Derek shook his head as he watched Richard leave his office.
…
Meredith was in deep shit.
It was raining and Carson was nowhere to be found and neither was her car.
She paced back and forth in her living room as her friends stood watching; what was she going to do? Derek had given her one task: get Carson and Ryan home, and somehow Carson had managed to steal her car and disappear.
“How the hell did she manage to slip out of here unnoticed?” Cristina wondered aloud.
“She’s Addison’s kid,” Alex said with a shrug as Izzie stared at him.
“You sure seem to know an awful lot about Addison,” Izzie said as Alex rolled his eyes at her.
“She was my mentor before Shepherd ran her off. Carson’s always been a clever kid, or do you guys not remember when she first got here?” Alex reminded them.
Seattle-6 and a half years ago
She missed her dad…a lot . He would call her but the calls were brief, always ending with him telling her that his leaving wasn't her fault, even though she felt like it was. She wasn't a stupid child; she paid close attention to her parent's marriage, how her father barely came home, how her mother would go to bed crying. Carson especially noticed how much time her Uncle Mark had started spending at her house, with her family. Once, when he picked her up from one of her many practices, a kid asked her if he was her mother's boyfriend. It sort of felt that way, especially after she had seen her mother and her Uncle Mark kiss. Maybe daddy had found out about their kiss and that was why he had left. If she could be honest, if her father had come home more, her mother wouldn't have kissed Uncle Mark.
Carson also didn't fail to miss the fact that Uncle Mark had become even more of a permanent fixture around her house, even more so since her father had disappeared off to, wherever he'd gone to . She also wasn't clueless to the fact that Uncle Mark had been sleeping in her parent's room, with her mother, in the same bed with her, making her mother make all of those noises she would make when Daddy was home. Then, there was the way her mother was sick those few days, staying home from work. It was rare for her mother, seeing as she almost neve r got sick. Then, there was the fight her mother and Uncle Mark had a couple of days later, which resulted in Uncle Mark leaving and her mother going to the doctor. Aunt Savvy brought her back home even though she'd driven herself to the doctor.
…
It wasn't long after that when Richard Webber, or Grandpa Richard as she called him, had called her mother saying that he needed her to come to Seattle to consult on a case involving conjoined twins; Seattle was where her father was. She was excited about going to Seattle to visit her father; even though she didn't like what he did, she still missed him terribly . When they arrived in Seattle, Addison made sure that Iliana got the children settled in before she headed for the hospital. They're in his city, and her mom has to work at his hospital, but she can't go; it's late her mother says.
"Aw Mom , can't I come with you? I wanna see Daddy !" Carson whined.
"No honey, it's late and daddy's probably working, you'll see him tomorrow I promise ," Addison said kissing her on the top of her head before heading out the door.
Carson desperately wanted to see her father. After getting her bath, she told Iliana that she was tired and was going to bed early. Once Iliana had taken Ryan into the bathroom to bathe him, Carson crept out of bed went into Iliana's purse took 50 dollars, and crept out the door. Once she was outside, she instantly hailed a cab (thanks to Mark, who had taught her years earlier).
"Hey kid, where are your parents?" the driver asked.
"Can you take me to Seattle Grace Hospital, please?" she said flashing him her sweetest smile.
" You got money ?"
"Will 50 bucks cover it?"
…
The driver quickly took the money and drove to the hospital. Carson stood outside of the hospital for a split second before entering. She searched for a moment, looking for where the surgical floor was, before spotting a nurse and asking her. Once she got off the elevator, she spotted a blonde-haired doctor.
"Hi," Carson said smiling up at her.
"Hi," The young woman replied.
"My name's Carson what's yours?"
"I'm Dr. Stevens, but you can call me Izzie,”
“Nice to meet you Izzie,”
“It's nice to meet you Carson…are you lost?"
"I can't find my parents," Carson said innocently.
“ Maybe I can help you look for them ?” Izzie said.
“That would be great !”
Izzie helped Carson search for her parents until got a page and had to leave.
"Oh, darn it ! I've gotta go, I could have someone else help you look?" Izzie said.
"No, I think I can find them. Thanks for all your help Izzie!”
After Izzie walked away, Carson stood in the middle of the busy hallway, looking for someone who might have a clue as to where her parents would be, before spotting a brown-haired doctor.
"Excuse me," Carson said sweetly to the young man who remained working on his charts.
" Excuse me ," Carson said again, tapping him on the shoulder.
" What do you want ? I'm busy," he said snapping at her.
"Gosh, to be a doctor, you're pretty rude ," Carson said rolling her eyes.
"Who are you and where are your parents anyway?"
"I'm Carson and I can't find my parents…who are you ?"
"I'm Alex,"
"So, Alex , think you can help me find my parents?" Alex frowned and begrudgingly agreed to help her look. After 20 minutes, Carson spotted an office with Derek's name on it.
"I see my daddy's office, thanks Alex,"
"Yeah, whatever," Alex said as he walked away.
Two hours later
After her altercation with Derek and talking to the chief, Addison prepared to go back to her hotel. Just as she was leaving, she got a call from Iliana saying that Carson had gone missing. She quickly searched for Derek, who was talking to Dr. Burke.
"I thought you were going back to your hotel?" Derek said coldly.
"I was but Iliana just called and said Carson's gone missing ,"
" Missing ?"
"That's what I said. Now, are you going to stop hating me long enough to help me find our daughter or are you going to just stand there?"
Alex was heading back to the nurses’ station when he heard Derek and Addison talking about Carson, he paused and looked at them.
"Sorry to interrupt, but did you say you're looking for a kid named Carson ? About this tall red hair, looks just like her?" he said pointing at Addison.
"Yeah Karev, my daughter , have you seen her?" Derek asked.
"Dude, she's in your office," Alex said simply before turning and walking away.
Addison and Derek rushed to his office to find Carson fast asleep on the couch. Derek smiled at the sight of his daughter.
"Carson, hey princess, wake up," Derek said softly as Carson fluttered her eyes open.
" Daddy ! I missed you," she said sitting up and hugging his neck as her eyes met with Addison's.
"She's pretty mad," Derek whispered into Carson's ear as he picked her up off of the sofa.
"Shh," Carson whispered back.
"I can hear you two you know," Addison said as she walked over to Derek and Carson, who instantly pretended to be asleep.
"Nice try Carson, but I know you're not asleep," Addison said as moved to sit beside her daughter and her soon-to-be ex-husband.
"I'm in trouble aren't I?" Carson asked as she looked up at both her parents.
" Big trouble ," Addison and Derek said as the three of them sat on the couch.
“Exactly how did you get here?" Derek asked.
" I remembered Mom saying you worked at Seattle Grace and so I took a cab and-,"
"You hailed a taxi ?" Addison asked.
"Yes…"
"Where'd you learn to do that?" Derek asked.
"Uncle Mark,"
"I should've known…So you hailed a cab, but how'd you pay for it?"
"I um, I borrowed some money from Iliana,"
"You borrowed some money? Is that what we're calling it these days ' borrowing ' money?" Derek said.
"How much did you steal ?” Addison asked.
"50 dollars,"
"Well, you're going to have to give that back to her…I'm thinking you work off what you owe her,"
"Aw, but mom!"
" No butts , you stole from your nanny and you ran away Carson and that is unacceptable ,"
Once Addison turned her head, Derek slipped Carson a 50 to give back to Iliana.
"Don't tell your mother," He mouthed to her as Addison led her away from his office.
“Gotcha” she mouthed back, slipping the 50 into her pocket….She worked off her 'debt' to Iliana; she used the 50 dollars Derek gave her to pay Iliana back and pocketed the 50 Addison gave her.
…
“Now that you mention it, I do remember meeting her; I never knew whose kid she was,” Izzie said.
“That’s beside the point, Carson’s gone missing and she stole my car! Derek said she got her license a few months ago. If something happens to her…”
“Mere, maybe it’s time you call Derek or maybe even Addison,” Alex said as everyone looked at him.
“Are you insane!? Addison would kill me!” Meredith shouted.
“Hey, it’s worth a shot and nobody knows that kid better than Addison. You’d better call Addison before Carson does, otherwise, you’re dead either way,” Alex reminded her.
Meredith sighed; she had to do something because there was no way in hell that she could tell Derek that his daughter had somehow managed to run away while under her watch. However, before Meredith could make a move, the front door to her house swung open. Everyone’s eyes were trained on the door, hoping that it was Carson coming in. Instead, Derek burst through the door,
“What the hell happened Meredith?” Derek’s expression was anything but good, it was a look that sent chills down his spine.
“Derek…” Meredith began though he held up a hand to stop her.
“Where is she? Carson? Carson!” Derek pushed past her, bolting up the stairs in hopes of finding his daughter safe and sound in her room. Instead, he came back downstairs absolutely furious.
“I trusted you to bring her home and keep her safe and you let her out of your sight-” Meredith stood completely still, a sinking feeling in her gut as she timidly asked,
“Derek, what happened?” He sighed, running a hand through his wet hair before responding.
“Addison called, yelling, screaming at me about how could I be so irresponsible and let Carson drive in this kind of weather. I didn’t know what she was talking about, and then she said Carson called her, crying. She said Carson was on the road and…” She had never seen him so shaken, so distraught, so upset before in her life.
“Derek, I swear I brought them home and she went upstairs and slammed the door. She never came back down after that. It wasn’t until Ryan came downstairs and told me Carson wasn’t in her room. I looked everywhere and that’s when I noticed that my car keys were gone. Derek…”
“If something happens to her, if she, if she…I have to find my daughter, I need to find her,”
To be Continued...