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Dan knew that he had nothing to be nervous about really when he decided to join another band, but he hadn’t told Matt about it and now he was on his way to his partners house for a surprise visit. He knew that he couldn’t put it off any longer, but when he thought of how Matt might take the news he got worried. Not because he thought that Matt would be upset that he had another project – they both had done it before and Matt was in blink – but when he did his own thing he could up and leave if Matt needed him. He could leave his own projects whenever Matt called.
It was hard to live across the country from each other, it wasn’t often that they could leave their separate lives to meet up, but they had always done it. They had done it since they first met, always being in different places in their life even back when they lived together. Always having to carve out time for each other.
It had always been hard work to make their relationship work, but hard work and a lot of communication had made it possible for them to stay together over the years. And as Dan drove from the airport over to Matt"s house he was well aware that his new project would not only make it harder for him to drop everything for his partner, but also that he would have to take time from their “relationship account”. The time for his new project would have to come from the time he otherwise would have spent with Matt and that made him wish he had said something earlier. That he had thought this through when he accepted Keith’s offer and told Matt right away, not two months before he would go on tour.
These thoughts was spinning in Dan"s head as he pulled up on Matt"s driveway and parked his rental. Matt’s car was nowhere to be seen and Dan had no idea if Matt would be home in the middle of the day. He hadn"t called beforehand because he was sure that Matt would hear that there was something on his mind and he couldn’t break the news over the phone after keeping it to himself for so long.
It was harder to leave the rental than he thought, a nervous flutter passed through his body and he had to take a calming breath before he got out and walked over to Matt"s door. He found the key that Matt had given him last time they had met back in Florida and unlocked the door. As soon as he stepped through the door he felt the smell of cooking and a moment later Matt showed up in the doorway to the kitchen with a frown that quickly turned into surprise and then happiness.
Suddenly he had his arms full of Matt – completely pressed against him and his boyfriends lips against his own, Matt’s hands was gripping his shoulders hard. Dan kissed him back, gripped around Matt’s neck and slowed Matt’s desperate kiss down until he broke away and started laughing against Dan’s lips.
“I’m sorry.” Matt whispered and pulled back a little. “I’m sorry, I just can’t believe it! Wasn’t it my turn to visit you? I’m pretty sure I’ve already booked the plane tickets?” Matt ducked down under his jaw and rest his face against his neck. Matt placed feather light kisses over Dan’s neck while Dan held him close, enjoying the feeling of his lover in his arms again.
Dan hadn’t anticipated how hard his emotions would hit him at the sight of Matt, real and warm in his arms, and it felt like he could breathe for the first in a long time. “I know, I just wanted to see you.” He kissed Matt’s unruly hair and held him tighter. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Matt hummed contently and stayed in Dan’s arms a while longer, until the smoke alarm went off and Matt swore as he hurried into the kitchen again. Dan exhaled as he got into the kitchen as saw that there was no fire, just really burnt vegetables in a frying pan and Matt fussing around the window to try and clear the smell and smoke out.
Once things settled down again Dan found Matt looking at him with a different light in his eyes, a light that made a shiver travel down Dan’s spine and goosebumps to spread over his arms. Matt walked over to him again, slower and that strange look in his eyes.
“Hey.” A warm whisper against Dan’s cheek, followed by a chaste kiss. “I’ve missed you too. Seriously, I have but what are you really doing here?”
Dan reached up and touched Matt’s cheek softly as his nerves started acting up again, afraid that he would hurt that precious man with the real purpose of his visit. He was overwhelmed from Matt’s clear eyes looking straight at him and couldn’t bring himself to tell Matt just yet. What if this was a deal breaker for Matt? He didn’t think that Matt would fault him for pursuing different things in his career, but from just seeing how happy Matt had been to see him, Dan realized that the impact on their relationship time could be too much for Matt.
Instead he held Matt close enough so that Matt couldn’t see his face and breathed in the smell of his partner, desperately trying to memorize as much as possible as if it would be the last time he would ever hold Matt like this. He knew that it was irrational to think like that, but his overwhelming feelings wasn’t logical.
“It’s not important, for now I just want to be with you.” Dan said, avoiding to the best of his ability to set of alarms within Matt whilst not outright lie to him. “Do you have plans for tonight or do you wanna order something in with me?”
~~~
They were lying tangled up on the couch, watching a movie and empty pizza boxes around them. Dan had tried to focus on the movie at first, but when Matt pulled him close from behind and made himself comfortable against his neck Dan really couldn"t be bothered. Instead he held Matt’s hands in his own and played with his fingers. Halfway through, Matt draped one leg over his waist and Dan traced as much skin as he could with his calloused fingers, until Matt told him to lie still for fucks sake and watch the movie.
Lying there close to his lover had Dan realize that he hadn’t even begun scratch the surface of how much he had missed Matt. When they were apart he worked hard at keeping it out of his mind and when they met again all those feelings he tried to suppress came crashing over him again – a never ending cycle. He knew that this moment would pass soon, that he would have to leave and that it might take months before they could have another night like this.
When the movie was over, Matt tugged at Dan"s arm and he turned around, coming face to face with Matt. The other man looked tired, but content and Dan couldn"t drag this out any longer, it wouldn’t be fair to Matt. He didn"t want to go to bed with Matt without telling him, it would feel like taking advantage of him when he didn’t know if Matt would want him after he told him. He knew that he had to say it today and he had waited until the last possible minute to do so.
“Matt, we need to talk.” Dan said and winced at his own words – so much for not unsettling Matt. But to his surprise Matt didn"t get on his guard. His face was open and curious, eyes bright and focused on Dan"s. “So Keith Buckley asked me to join one of his projects. I kinda said yes.”
A moment that was, for Dan anyway, filled with tension passed before the most sincere smile spread across Matt"s lips, Matt"s arms wrapped around him. Dan cautiously moved his hands up in Matt"s hair and looked at Matt with fascination. This was his partner, the man that he loved, and Matt was nothing but supportive. It made him feel bad for not thrusting Matt with this sooner.
“That"s amazing!” Matt smiled at him, leaning in and brushing his lips against Dan’s in the most careful kiss. “I"m so happy for you. But is that what you were worried about? Why would you worry about telling me this? It"s great news.”
“Matt, come on.” Dan found Matt"s eyes again, a frown adorning his face and Dan couldn"t help but sooth his thumb over it. “We already have limited time together, I"ll have even less time to spend on us with this project. At least for some months.”
“Danny, do you want to break up with me?” Matt asked, confused.
“What? No, hell no!” Dan tried to assure him, pulling Matt closer by his hips. “But I don"t want to string you along either, I can"t give you all the time that you deserve.” Matt might not have been worried about the amount of time they would spend together but he was. “I want to give you everything, but I’m not sure I can give that to you anymore.”
It was like the problems lying ahead of them only became apparent to Matt then; he never was much of a planing ahead kind of guy. Matt always went with his gut feeling and Dan was the opposite of him, thinking things through time and time again. It used to drive Matt crazy, but now it seemed to pain Matt to see him like this. Matt’s hands was everywhere, stroking over his shoulder and down his arm, over his back and up over his neck and head. They were pressed against each other from thighs to shoulders, the touch slowed his mind down like only Matt could.
When Dan regained his composure some, Matt kissed him. “We"ve never had time, love. We always had too little to give each other. But I want you to be happy and if that is to be doing another project for a while I"ll reschedule my life so that I can support you in yours.” Dan looked at Matt as he spoke with such sincerity and ease, it washed him clean of worries that had haunted him from the moment he accepted Keith"s and the others offer. “I love you, Dan, and if you"ll let me I will always be with you.”
Dan sighed out of relief, feeling the tension let go under Matt"s hands. The iron grip he had had on Matt’s hips loosened and he felt a pang of guilt at the bruises forming where his fingers had been.
“Are you sure? I could probably back out, take a break or maybe skip out on the touring, I could come stay with you for a while. I would do anything for you…” Matt interrupted his rambling by kissing him again.
“Shut up.” Matt laughed and stroke through his beard. Dan knew Matt, he knew that Matt wouldn’t have been so relaxed about this whole thing if that wasn’t what he really was feeling. Matt was exceptionally bad at filtering himself. Dan flipped over on his back, pulling Matt with him and after a moment of rearranging themselves – with a moment where Matt’s knee got uncanny close to his groin and Dan almost pushed Matt off the couch – they found a comfortable position. Matt was like a big cat on his chest, all relaxed and back curved elegantly.
“So, when are you going on tour? Can I come see you?” Matt asked and Dan couldn’t help but chuckle at Matt’s excitement as he told him. Matt was silent for a moment and then looked up at him. “Blink is gonna release some music soon, I don’t know the schedule on the top of my head, but I think I’ll have some time to come with you when you’re close by. And I have to see you in Chicago! You’re gonna play Chicago, right?”
“I promise you that I’ll send you the schedule as soon as it’s finished.” Dan said and touched Matt’s face carefully and reverently. He couldn’t even begin to grasp how lucky he was to be with this sweet man. It made him angry with himself that he had ever entertained the thought that Matt might not support him. “But there’s another thing. We’re gonna have rehearsal here in LA and I can stay at a hotel if you rather want that, but I was hoping that I could stay with you?”
Matt tugged playfully at his beard and arched his eyebrow. “Well, yeah that’s a given.” Matt leaned up and kissed him. “I’m planning on showing you such a good time that you’ll never wanna leave.”
He had missed this, them, and he suspected that Matt already knew but he just felt an overwhelming need to tell him. “I love you, Matt, never forget that.”
Matt sighed happily and rested his head on Dan’s chest once more, playing with his beard in silence for a bit. “You getting gray, old man.”