Chapter Text
“No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.” – Winston Churchill
6 Months Later…
Dean zips his jacket up a little higher as he heads out to the paddocks to bring Cash in for the night. It’s already dark out but the flood lights show him Cash standing by the gate.
“Hey, bud. You ready for dinner?” he asks, giving Cash a pat on the neck as he secures the halter. Cash has on a light sheet that Dean bought him in red with black piping to keep off the rain and wind. He puts his hand down beneath the sheet to feel his chest and make sure he’s warm. Satisfied, he leads the horse into his stall.
“Is he the last?” Castiel asks, walking down the aisle with grain buckets in hand.
“He is, and not too happy about it,” Dean chuckles as Cash marches toward his stall, obviously more than ready for dinner.
“Do you know when you’ll be home tonight?” Cas asks, dumping Cash’s grain in his bucket and moving down the line.
“Not too sure, we may need to talk for a bit,” Dean shrugs, the nerves starting to settle back in.
“Take all the time you need, it's important. Plus I believe Sam is on night shift tonight and Ellie is bringing over popcorn for a movie night,” Castiel adds as he stacks the now empty buckets.
“What movie?” Dean grabs a few of the buckets from Cas to help him put them in the grain room.
“Probably Seabiscuit if I had to guess, it's her favorite. I can’t handle War Horse again, that barbed wire scene is too much.” Castiel cringes and Dean nods, having avoided war movies since his own tours anyway. “You should head out, I can close up the barn.”
Castiel leans in to plant a kiss on his cheek, the tip of his cold nose making Dean shiver. “Thanks, Cas, see you later. Love you,” Dean calls over his shoulder as he heads to his car.
Luckily it's cold but no snow has fallen yet. Baby roars to life beneath him and he gives the old girl a second to heat up before he heads down the drive and toward the center of town. He knows soon he will have to put her away for winter, so getting any chance to take her out before the snow and ice hit is welcomed. He parks her in the far back of the lot to the restaurant—having only just finished the paint job a month ago he’s terrified of other car doors banging into her. He is not the least bit over protective despite his brother’s teasing.
He takes a moment to stare up at the lit sign over the door, trying not to second-guess his decision to come. He pockets the keys and with a final deep breath, heads inside. The first thing that hits him is the smell, warm fragrant spices. The restaurant is pub-style, with a mix of booths and tables, low lighting and a large bar along the back.
“Hello, sir. Do you need a table?” a hostess with curly black hair pulled up in a bun asks him.
“I’m actually meeting the owner here, I’m Dean,” he says, watching as realization passes over her face.
“Ah yes, he’s just on a call in his office but I have a booth for you guys right over here.” She leads Dean to the back of the restaurant and seats him in a booth there. A waitress swings by quick, taking his drink order and returning with a Margiekugel on tap.
“Hey brother,” a warm cajun drawl greets him and he looks up to see Benny standing next to him, shifting from foot to foot.
“Hey, Benny. Nice place you got here.” Dean gives him an awkward smile as Benny slides into the seat opposite him.
“Yeah, it was a real fixer upper when I first got here but we turned it around. You hungry?”
“Starved.” Dean smiles a bit more genuinely this time.
“Well alright.” Benny grins now and waves at the waitress. He orders them both Jambalaya and she drops off corn bread for them while they wait.
“Man, I missed your cornbread,” Dean mumbles through a mouthful of the buttery bread.
“Been a few miles down the road for a while now,” Benny adds, looking at the table.
Dean chokes down his bite, searching for his words. “Yeah, I guess that's on me.”
“It’s ancient history, brother.”
“No, it's not, Benny,” Dean interrupts him. “Look, I was in a really bad place, after losing the squad.” He spins his beer glass in his hand, thinking back on all those people he lost. “A dark place and if I took that blame on myself... I think it would have drowned me. More than it already had. I put that blame on you and it never belonged there. I’m sorry for doing that to you.”
“You really mean that?” Benny asks softly, voice full of hope.
“Yeah, I mean it. I’m so sorry, Benny, I hope you can forgive me for what a dick I was.” Dean spins his beer glass, struggling to meet Benny’s eyes.
“Let’s just let bygones be bygones, aye?” Benny raises his beer glass. “Brothers in arms?”
Dean smiles, clinking his glass to Benny’s. “Brothers in arms. To those who aren’t here.”
They both nod taking a sip of their drinks and some of the tension seems to leave both of them. They chat over dinner, catching up on both their lives. Dean tells Benny all about the horses and meeting Castiel, and about how he moved in with Cas officially a month ago. Benny tells Dean about opening up the restaurant and moving into the apartment above it. Benny apparently goes to weekly meetings at the VA where he can talk with his fellow veterans. Dean tells Benny about his EMDR treatment and the new meds his doctor at the VA put him on.
“I really do feel a lot better, more I dunno… present?” The meds had initially thrown him for a loop, feeling queasy and off but the past few weeks everything had just settled and he felt more like his old self than ever before.
“Yeah I know the feeling, it's hard getting your sea legs back. Being around other vets really helped me cope.”
Dean nods and feels a bit guilty he wasn’t there for Benny. He doesn’t consider himself fully healed, maybe never will be. He still has nightmares sometimes, but the flashbacks and panic attacks have stopped. He doesn’t think he’ll ever love loud noises but that’s just a part of who he is now. He’s just learning to live with the scars and not let them control his life. He’d opened up to Dr. Knight about his activities with Castiel and was happy at how supportive he was of the lifestyle, encouraging Dean to continue to work on letting himself be vulnerable and open with his partner. He didn’t think he wanted to share that private tidbit with Benny, though.
“I kinda have a favor to ask.” Dean has been trying to get up the nerve all night to ask Benny. “I want to go see his mom but I…I don’t want to go alone.”
Benny just looks at Dean a moment, his eyes going wide in understanding. “Mrs. Tran?” Dean nods his head. “Shit, you sure that's a good idea, brother? You’re still getting back on your feet—”
“I’ve been back almost a year now. It's already been too long, I should have gone right when I got back if I wasn’t such a coward.” Dean sighs, running a hand through his hair. “He was my responsibility, and it is time I owned up to that.”
Benny leans back in the booth, watching Dean carefully. “You need me, I'll be there. Free tomorrow if you are?”
“Thanks, Benny,” Dean whispers back, relieved. Cas and Sam had offered to come with him but he wants someone who knew Kevin too, who understood the loss.
“Always here for you, brother,” Benny smiles and Dean believes him.
****
Dean sits in his car, engine off and Benny at his side. He stares up at the house, the perfectly manicured lawn and the wreath hanging on the door. He hasn’t felt fear this deep since the auction for Cash.
“Going to sit here all day?” Benny asks softly.
Dean shakes himself a bit and without looking at Benny slides out of the car. He feels the bear of a man at his back as he approaches the front door. Shaky fingers press the doorbell and Benny’s hand rests reassuringly on his shoulder.
The door opens and Dean immediately has to look down to see the petite woman staring up at him. “Uh hello, are you Mrs. Tran?”
“Last time I checked,” she replies stiffly, squinting up at him.
“I’m Dean Winchester and this is Benny Lafitte, we spoke on the phone?” He wonders if he should just make a run for the car and hope Benny follows him. He takes a small step back but freezes when the hand on his shoulder tightens.
“Well, come in, it’s cold out there.” Mrs. Tran steps back and both men slip inside so she can shut the door behind them. “Would you like some tea?”
“Yes ma'am, that would be nice,” Benny gives her a warm smile as they both move to sit on the couch in her living room.
She returns with a tray and a few mugs of tea. Dean looks around at the place—it looks like it came out of a pottery barn catalogue.
“Nice place you have here,” he smiles, gratefully taking the mug just to have something to hold on to. He looks at the mantle and sees a familiar face smiling back at him.
“Thank you, but I’m sure you didn’t come here to talk about interior decorating.” Mrs. Tran gives him a warmer smile grabbing her own tea.
“I guess not.” He rubs nervously at the back of his neck. “I should have come to see you sooner. As his squad leader, and his friend, I owed it to you.” Benny’s hand lands on Dean’s shoulder and he manages to compose himself. “It was very difficult for me, getting my head on straight when I came back.”
“I can only imagine, Dean. Kevin spoke of you both often, considered you both family,” she adds a bit softer now. Kevin’s name feels like a stab to the chest.
“He was family to us, too,” Benny adds and Dean just nods, composing himself.
“Benny, he often spoke of your cooking. Do you still find yourself in the kitchen?” Mrs. Tran asks, a quick glance at Dean and he wonders how fragile he must look to her.
“Yes, I actually opened a restaurant when I finished my last tour. Lafitte’s Pub. You come down anytime and your meal is on the house.” Benny’s warm, confident voice is calming to Dean’s frayed nerves.
“I may take you up on that. Dean, what have you been up to since you got home?”
“Oh um, working at a horse farm near my house.” He shrugs, thinking it doesn’t sound as glamorous as owning his own business. “Nothing compared to what Kevin would have done.” He says the words without thinking and then looks up slightly horrified. “I’m so sorry I—”
Mrs. Tran holds up a hand to silence him, “It's okay, Dean. You’re not wrong… my boy did great things while he was here and surely would have done much more if given the chance. Just like you.” She reaches forward putting her hand on his knee. “I am very glad you made it home safe, and I am sure Kevin would be too.”
“I’d have traded places with him if I could,” Dean chokes the words out and fuck he wasn’t gonna cry but his eyes are burning. “I was supposed to protect him and I couldn’t, and I’d give anything to have brought him home safe to you.”
“I have no doubt you would have. Kevin knew what he was signing up for, Dean. Despite my fears and reservations as his mother, I knew he had a purpose in life that he felt he had to fulfill. It is not your fault, I don’t blame you and I know my son well enough to say he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself either.” Her voice is a bit rough as well.
Dean nods a second, taking in a deep breath. “H-he was a great soldier, and one of the… one of the finest men I ever knew.”
“I’m glad he had you, that he wasn’t alone.”
Mrs. Tran leans forward grasping both of Dean’s hands in her own. He lets out a ragged breath just nodding his head and holding her small hands in his. He feels the weight of grief heavy on his chest but there's something else there too, a lightness he didn’t feel before. So sure that this woman would spit in his face, curse at him for failing to protect her son. This wasn’t the welcome he expected at all.
“That means a lot to me,” Dean tries to give her a grateful smile. He looks up again at the mantle and sees a picture of a young Kevin grinning holding up a hotdog with ketchup on his face. It sits right beside his framed flag from his funeral, which Dean had been too injured to attend. “Man that kid liked hot dogs,” he chuckles.
Both Mrs. Tran and Benny chuckle as well. “His father and he used to do a hot dog eating contest every fourth of july. They were his favorite,” she smiles looking up at the picture, “no accounting for taste.”
They all smile and the three of them share their favorite Kevin stories and finish their tea. Dean still feels the sting of the grief but it's accompanied by the joy of remembering his friend. He isn’t sure he will ever remember Kevin without it hurting but he’s hoping now he can try and remember the good parts too. As Mrs. Tran pulls Dean into a hug at the door he lets the feeling of peace settle in him.
“Take care of yourself, Dean,” she whispers to him.
“You too. If you ever need anything, just call me.” He figures it’s the least he can do for his friend.
“I will keep that in mind. Drive safe.” With a kiss to his cheek Dean and Benny make their way back home.
Castiel parks his truck next to the Impala, thinking they should maybe build a garage for the car in the spring. He figures Dean would like to keep the car out of the sun and cold if possible. He’s anxious to find his boyfriend and see how his day went with Benny. He knows how many months he had agonized over meeting Mrs. Tran and he tried not to let his own worries show when Dean talked about it.
“Hey, boss man,” Ellie calls to him as he jumps down from the cab.
“Ellie, have you seen Dean by chance?” He peers around to see if he can spot him in the paddocks.
“He’s with Cash in the indoor arena,” she says, throwing a thumb over her shoulder.
“Is he riding?” Castiel had asked Dean not to ride Cash without him there, since he’s still a very green horse and a very novice rider.
“Sure is. You need to stop worrying, the two of them are fine.” She pats him on the shoulder as he ignores her and bee lines it for the indoor.
He jogs toward the entrance and slows to a walk, peering around the turn before entering the ring. He finds Dean and Cash at the far end walking around the track. Castiel takes a moment to watch—Dean’s posture is nice and upright and his hips are soft and open, rolling with the stride. His hands are wide and low, his heels are down in the stirrups, his legs aren’t swinging. He’s always more shocked then he probably should be, but Dean is a natural rider.
“Hey, you two,” he calls out and both horse and rider lift their heads to look at him. Dean smiles soft and calm and Cas is glad to see he doesn’t look too strained from his afternoon.
“Heya, Cas.” Dean gives a little leg and Cash trots right over to him.
“I thought you promised not to ride Cash without Ellie or I there,” Castiel scolds, and if he throws a little dominance in his tone he simply can’t help it.
“Ellie is here, and last time I checked he was my horse. Rowena signed the bill of sale over in my name.” Dean nods rubbing a hand down Cash’s neck. The horse’s head bumps against Castiel’s side, and sniffs at his jeans pockets looking for a treat.
“You're both insatiable, you know that?” he huffs, pulling out a peppermint and feeding it to Cash.
“But you love us,” Dean teases, poking at his side with the toe of his boot.
“That I do, I just want you both to be safe. Remember Cash is still learning just like you.”
He sees the immediate eye roll Dean gives him. “Yes sir.” Dean gives Cas a little mock salute that earns him a firm stare.
“Don’t push your luck, Dean, I am just as capable of dealing with bad boys as I am good ones.” Castiel lets his voice drop into that sultry growl and appreciates the full body shiver it elicits.
“Noted,” Dean chokes out after a second. “And I was just walking him around, Cas, I did most of the work with him on the ground.”
Castiel nods, glad to hear some of his lessons have stuck. “How did it go today with Benny?”
Dean runs his hand through Cash’s mane a moment before replying. “It was really hard, but really good. I’m glad I went. Kinda made me miss him more though. Miss all of my squad.”
Castiel reaches a comforting hand to Dean’s thigh and gives it a squeeze. Dean smiles down at him and there isn’t any of the turmoil he used to see there. Now all he sees in the beautiful green eyes is just a soft grief and maybe acceptance. He is so overwhelmed with pride, that he gets to love such an incredible man.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Dean asks with more lightness to his voice.
“Nothing, just thinking how far you’ve come. So proud of you.” Castiel feels his own throat tighten.
“Hey, you were a really big part of my recovery, Cas, and I am far from okay, but I’m the lucky one, alright?” Dean’s hand reaches down to cup Cas’ face as he leans into Cash’s shoulder.
“We will have to agree to disagree on which of us is the lucky one,” Castiel replies, kissing the palm of Dean’s hand and stepping back. “Do you want company for your ride?”
“Always,” he smiles back and Castiel heads toward the barn to tack up Sugar. He and Dean decide to take the horses out on a quick afternoon trail ride. He’s glad for his soft, warm gloves as the temperature begins to drop. Dean’s nose is an adorable red and his green eyes shine in the late afternoon light.
“Close your hands on the reins,” Castiel instructs.
“Always telling me what to do,” Dean chuckles but does tighten his grip on the rein.
“When it comes to horses? Yes.” He nods firmly, leaning forward in the saddle as they climb a bit of a hill.
“Just in that?” Dean teases again.
“You like it when I tell you what to do, my good boy.” Castiel gives him a questioning look.
Dean laughs at that. “God help me, I do.” Finally stifling his laugh he lowers his voice, “Sir.”
Castiel feels his heart thump in his chest every time Dean uses that word. The trust and love and lust behind it, all packed into that one word. They reach the top of the hill and halt the horses to look down at the barn in the valley below.
“I think we both know you have me wrapped around your finger.” Castiel speaks softly meeting Dean’s eyes. He’s never spoken truer words. They sit in the saddle side by side for a few moments in silence, taking in the setting sun before riding for home.
Dean licks his lips, breathing slow and steady, feeling the rise and fall of his own chest. “I can’t,” he whispers out with a tired breath.
“You can,” a louder voice echoes in his ear. He moans as another vibration rocks through the core of his body. Fingertips trail along the soft hairs on his thighs as he arches his back and feels the pull of his leather arm bindings.
“Ca-Cas,” he whimpers out, cock straining and hard, weeping between Castiel’s thighs.
“Good boy, you are doing so well for me,” Castiel purrs above him.
Dean resists the urge to squirm. Naked and draped across Castiel’s lap, he’s lost count of how many times he’s come to the edge only for Castiel to pull him back.
“I love you in these,” Castiel hums happily, running his fingers across the lacings on his arm bindings. “Just one more time, baby, tell me when you're close,” Castiel presses the prostate massager deeper and Dean groans, pressing his face into the couch cushion.
He can feel his orgasm growing, his balls tightening as the massager switches to a pulse and he manages a weak, “Y-yellow.”
Castiel quickly switches off the vibration and he lets out a low whine at the loss as he feels the device slip out of him. Soothing hands stroke up and down his over-sensitive skin till he feels a bit more pulled together and can make out the praise coming from his dom.
“So beautiful, you did so well sweet boy, just so well,” Castiel’s words are like a balm softening everything in the low lit room. “Are you ready to come undone for me?”
“Yes, sir, please sir.” He feels Castiel’s hand still at the word please and he knows his dom’s buttons just like Cas knows his.
Castiel lifts him up to his knees, moving to stand before he guides Dean back down, bent in half and knees spread as wide as they go on the couch cushion. He turns his face against the linen fabric to get a glimpse of Cas crawling up behind him and pulling out his glorious cock. He lets out a little whimper, rocking back and desperate to come.
“Easy, good boy, I’m gonna take my time with you,” Castiel hums as he slowly begins to sink into Dean. His hole stretches easily for Cas and he relishes the full feeling. Pinned down and filled he feels his mind start to slow, tension from the day melts away. His muscles relax and his back falls into a deep arch, a low groan of pleasure escapes his lips when Castiel grips his hips.
“Feels good,” he slurs out and his cock pulses with a need to come.
“So good for me,” Castiel praises pulling out and beginning to thrust in an even deep rhythm. Dean rocks with each thrust and feels the pressure against his prostate sending his pleasure even higher. He gives in to the glorious sensation, to feeling owned and wanted and precious and safe and he never wants this feeling to end.
“Fuck Dean… you feel so good… my good boy… mine...all mine,” Castiel is babbling above him and it makes his chest warm from the words. Words that are so hard to feel, except when Castiel has him laid bare like this. Castiel breaks him apart so he can sink into all the dark places within him and fill him with light and love, and he’s flying with it. “Love you, Dean,” Castiel breaths out as he thrusts hard and fast, a fist wraps around Dean’s cock and he’s seeing stars as he comes hard, spilling all over the towel on the couch.
“Mmmm baby, love you,” Dean pants, catching his breath as he feels Castiel shake and pulse his release into him.
He floats happily in his subspace, clinging to the freedom and safety it gives him, as Castiel begins to unbind him and get them both in the shower. Castiel keeps the lights dim and voice low so as not to bring Dean out of his space too soon. Dean knows this in the back of his mind and appreciates it. Before he knows it they are curled up under the covers, tangled up in each other as he blinks up at those stunning blue eyes.
“How are you doing, love?” Castiel asks softly, carding fingers through Dean’s hair.
“I feel…” He thinks hard on this feeling in his chest. Trying to identify it in one word feels impossible. “I feel at home, I feel content…happy. I’m shit at words, Cas, but you know what I mean, right? This feeling?”
Castiel looks down at Dean, eyes softening as they search his face. Dean lets him look his fill, allowing him to figure out what he’s looking for. “I know exactly what you mean. We are right where we belong. Feels like a long time coming.” Castiel smiles, planting a kiss on his forehead.
“Yeah, too fucking long,” Dean sighs and looks back up at the man he loves, “but I wouldn’t trade any minute of it. Even the painful parts. It all brought me to you, to us.”
“Us? I like the sound of that,” Castiel smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners.
“Good, ‘cause I’m not going anywhere.” Dean settles down as Castiel chuckles softly. He closes his eyes and feels the rise and fall of Castiel’s chest beneath him.
Dean still can hardly believe he found freedom in being bound, safety in his vulnerability, understanding in the soul of a horse, and a reason to hope for the future. Dean knows things won’t always be easy, but he now knows he can handle what life throws at him, with the man he loves at his side.