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Aziraphale took a hesitant step into Crowley’s flat. The world hadn’t ended in a big way, but there were other things at stake now. Personal things. Life and death things and things that might as well be life and death.
“Oh, what lovely plants,” Aziraphale said, running a finger around the neckline of his shirt as though suddenly his bowtie was too tight.
“They’re all a bunch of cowards!” Crowley spat as he sauntered toward his desk. The plants seemed to visibly quiver. Aziraphale did too.
“Well, they look quite lush to me,” Aziraphale smiled but not his genuine one, he was sure. It was the smile he used to smile at Gabriel when he was keeping a secret and didn’t want to be found out.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Crowley took off his sunglasses and squinted at Aziraphale.
“We should sort out this whole prophecy thing.” Aziraphale said changing the subject with a shake of his head as he took off his jacket and looked for a coat tree.
“No.” Crowley crossed his arms and leaned up against the desk. It reminded Aziraphale of the snakes he was so keen to go and watch at the zoo pressing themselves to the tank’s edge… or perhaps the snakes had just reminded him of Crowley after all and not the other way round.
Aziraphale shook himself from his thoughts. “What?” he replied.
“Something else is wrong with you and we’re gonna talk about that.” Crowley slithered toward him now and Aziraphale stiffened.
“It’s… it’s rather personal,” Aziraphale clutched his coat to his chest.
Crowley put his finger under Aziraphale’s chin. “Angel, your cheeks are red.”
Aziraphale gulped. “You… on the bus, you held my hand and…” Aziraphale tried not to look the demon in the eyes.
“You’re positively blushing.”
“Crowley, I’m not myself. Not exactly.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?” Crowley was getting that frustrated look. Azirpahale had seen it a million times before and he was usually the cause of it.
“When the boy gave me my body back…”
“He did a good job, I thought.” Crowley scrutinized Aziraphale. He walked around him like he might coil around him at any moment. “You certainly smell the same.” Aziraphale felt Crowley’s breath on his neck. Aziraphale pulled his coat a little closer to himself. “And you’ve had that same haircut for six thousand years, so it’s not that.”
“No, Crowley, you don’t understand.” He backed up a few steps.
“You’re breathing like a prey animal. Don’t you trust me by now?” Crowley looked genuinely insulted.
Aziraphale took a deep breath. “The boy… he gave me… extra parts.” That last bit came out as more of a whisper and Crowley had to lean in closer still to catch it.
Aziraphale hadn’t seen Crowley look at him like that since he had told him he’d given away his flaming sword. “Human parts?”
Aziraphale nodded in the affirmative. “I don’t imagine they teach Angel physiology at human schools. I’m sure he thought he was putting me together properly.” he straightened his bowtie.
“Have you got nipples?” Crowley’s smile was not welcome.
“This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you! And it’s not like I’ve had a chance to look. It’s all very embarrassing and I’m not at all certain what can be done about it. I mean, when the world was about to end it seemed a bit trivial, but on the bus ride here…well, you held my hand.”
“Is that why you had your coat in your lap most of the way home? How adorable.” Crowley seemed to be enjoying this way too much.
“This isn’t funny, Crowley! I’ve known you for six thousand years and I’m trying with everything in me, to not let something as small as a human penis come between us…”
Crowley laughed. “Oh! You think this will ruin our relationship. Oh, angel, I’m in love with you, penis or not. If you’re stuck with a penis, then I’m just stuck with you having a penis. That’s that. But…”
“But what?” Aziraphale tried to look composed.
“You do realize you’re talking to a demon, right? I’ve had entire seminars on pleasures of the flesh.” Crowley raised an eyebrow.
“You have no idea how tempting that sounds right now.” Aziraphale’s palms were sweaty.
“I hear it’s really quite nice… but I go to fast for you. I know.”
“Maybe…” Aziraphale hesitated. “Maybe just a kiss then.”
“Are you sure?” Crowley’s expression looked so soft. Like that day Christ was crucified.
“I know I can trust you to stop there, even if I can’t altogether trust me… and my… physicality.” He looked down toward his folded hands.
“Just a kiss then.” Tenderly, Crowley placed his hand behind Aziraphale’s head. Crowley kissed him. A kiss that felt like multiple etudes. A kiss that was at first like anger and then like sadness… slowly giving way to a minuet of tongues and left Aziraphale feeling like the last man to blow out his candle when it was all over. It felt like Haydn’s Farwell Symphony. It felt like music and tasted like crepes and Aziraphale was entirely certain he would never feel so good ever again.
Aziraphale was almost breathless. “I didn’t know it would be like that!”
“Angel, it would be like that no matter what was or wasn’t between your legs.”
“Perhaps… Perhaps I was being too hasty before and we can do another kiss.” Aziraphale knew he was smiling his real smile.
“Angel, no. You’re going too fast for yourself. I’ve made the bed for you. I’ll sleep in the chair.” Crowley took Aziraphale’s coat and motioned him toward the hallway.
“The chair? That golden one? Doesn’t look very comfortable.”
“Nonsense! I sleep in it all the time. It’s fine. Don’t be so stubborn and just get in there and get comfortable.” Aziraphale snuck one last lingering glance at him from down the hall before he opened the bedroom door. He sighed a lovesick sigh.
“Red sheets. So silky. Are you sure you won’t join me in here?”
“Shut up and go to bed!” Crowley called from the far end of the hall. He listened until he no longer heard Aziraphale moving around in the bedroom. He took a seat in his chair. He sat in it like The Thinker sat, if The Thinker was only vaguely sure it had bones.
“Stupid angel…” He muttered to himself. “Worried about a penis, of all things. What can be done?” He launched himself from his chair and crept out the door. Honestly, there was only one place he could think of to go. When you can’t turn to Hell and you can’t turn to Heaven the only thing left to do is look to the wisdom of a child.
***
It was very late. Adam stood, eyes half-closed, waiting for Dog to be done with his business. He tilted his head. A demonic shadow approached.
“How did you know I would be out here?” Adam asked.
“Simple. I miracled Dog’s bowl full of water several times. It was a matter of time.” Crowley uncrossed his arms to ask a question. “You weren’t even a little bit scared of a demon approaching in the dark?” He seemed a bit disappointed.
“I could tell which one it was,” the boy said through a smile.
“I guess after seeing all you’ve seen I shouldn’t be surprised.”
“Why are you here?” Dog was done with his business and was pulling his leash toward the door.
“So, you know that Angel that I was with. The really adorable one--- flaming sword and all that.”
“Your boyfriend.”
“Yes, that one,” Crowley nodded.
“What about him?” Adam scratched the dog behind the ears.
“Well, as an angel, he’s just not used to having all the parts you gave him. He’s out of sorts.”
The dog pulled them closer still to the front door.
“Angel’s don’t reproduce like humans do, you understand? I’m not sure you have any kind of powers at all now, but if you do, even just a little, could you see to it that his problem is dealt with?”
“I’m not sure I can, but I’ll try.” Adam said as he was pulled into the house by the dog.
***
Crowley made his way home. There was no point in sleep. Morning was coming and he probably had just enough time to slither inside the flat and pretend he hadn’t been up all night. He gave an accusatory look to his plants and then took to the kitchen to make breakfast. He wanted to watch Aziraphale eat one more time before they faced their fates.
Aziraphale woke to the smell of crepes. It smelled like comfort and like familiarity and he scrambled out of bed down the hall pulling his pants on along the way.
“Crowley!” he called out as he scampered into the kitchen.
“What?” Crowley asked, looking casual with a spatula.
“I dreamed that we held hands again and we were so close we switched bodies… and I dreamed some other things…” His eyes darted around the room uncomfortably. “I’m afraid we’ll need to wash your sheets.”
Crowley tried not to look crestfallen. Obviously, the boy didn’t have powers anymore… Or perhaps the boy had just misunderstood. Perhaps Crowley had been a bit vague. He took a terror-stricken glance down at his own pants.
“Don’t you understand, Crowley, this solves our prophecy problem. And I didn’t tell you the best part! You’ll hardly believe this! When I woke up this morning my penis was gone! Something happened during the night. Some kind of genital miracle!”
Crowley rolled his eyes behind his dark glasses.
“I love you, you idiot. I’m glad you’re yourself again. Have some crepes.”
Aziraphale took his plate and sat down. He smirked and looked up at Crowley. “I don’t suppose you have any more of those kisses on offer this morning. They’re better than crepes.”
“Come here, angel.” Crowley wrapped Aziraphale in a hug and their tongues played beautiful music together.