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It was around 2:30 in the morning, probably a Thursday but Ruki wasn't so sure. He had been trying to fall asleep again, but kept waking up at least every twenty minutes according to the clock on the wall. Apparently the slightest sound, be it rain, the never ending traffic downstairs, and even Koron moving around in the bed would disturb him during his sleep. He couldn't remember if he had dreamed the last couple of nights, but even if he did, he would wake up restless and distressed. "There's no sleep for the wicked..." he thought for a moment.
After a few seconds of reminiscing silence he couldn't help to wonder: was he even certain it was random noise what would prevent him from finally closing his eyes? A part of him knew that wasn't the case, but thinking about the real issue that was constantly on his mind wasn't an option for him. It was easier to ignore it in the morning and pretend it didn't exist in the afternoon, but at night it would plague him even in his sleep.
The clock continued its constant song, this time announcing it was already 2:50 am. Ruki sighed one more time before kissing Koron's forehead and moving him gently to the other side of the bed, so that he could get up. Now that he was fully awake (or as awake as one could be at that ungodly hour), he decided it would be a better idea to try and make the middle of the night productive. According to his agenda, they would have a meeting at Yokohama on Friday to discuss their collaboration with the local businesses, and the following day they had the newest photo shoot to promote the tour final on September 23rd.
He knew they would definitely not have any free time during this month, so he should make the most out of every moment he had to write new lyrics for the next album. Even though he felt pressured about the lack of time during the next couple of weeks, he was really looking forward to his favorite band related activity: writing his heart out. Just the thought of getting to tear his feelings apart on paper gave him renewed energy to start his day.
If it wasn't possible for him to fix the real reason why he couldn't sleep more than three hours per day, at least he would hide that secret from everyone else. Nobody needed to know what was going on, not even himself. Ruki was trying not to give it a name to that constant pain in his chest. Who knows, maybe with a bit of embellished truths and changed details here and there, he could turn his insomnia into a song. He smiled to himself...it had been so long since his silence started, he couldn't even remember when things began to change.
It was so subtle and natural, as if it had been the right course of action. He finally admitted to himself that his heart skipped a beat when he saw his blond bassist give him that signature smirk, or when he found him reading his most recently acquired book, so focused and barely making a sound; the way he would look at his direction constantly, like asking for his opinion. The passion and happiness he expressed when they were on stage, giving Ruki the impression that being a part of the GazettE was the only thing that gave meaning to his life.
Reita made him feel like he actually was worth something, like some divine being had actually smiled at him and decided they would fatefully meet. Maybe it was written in the stars for them? No. It was something else, beyond divine intervention. It was choosing each other every day for over seventeen years. Every warm memory, every note they played at lives, the loud energy and ferocity only they have. It was choosing the quiet moments together, the whispered conversations on the backseat of the van before arriving to the studio, it was talking about new melodies, random hugs and secrets kept between friends.
It was knowing that if he had the chance to turn back time, he would do it the same way all over again. There was something about Reita's presence, his attitude and natural personality that made Ruki felt safe and at peace, like no matter what could happen, Reita would always be his home. New York, Chile, Paris or Taiwan...even if they were far from Japan, being close to him gave him so much strength to keep going when he felt overwhelmed with pressure. Ruki refused to give it a name, but deep down...
3:20 am. Ruki finished getting dressed, just a casual attire consisting of black jeans, an oversized Nil Due Nil Un sweater and a black mask to cover up the fact that he wasn't wearing any make up. He styled his hair with a hair straightener for a few minutes and grabbed his keys.
"I'll be right back, Ko-chan. Don't open the door to strangers". Koron barely blinked and, giving him one more kiss, Ruki took the elevator to the first floor. He knew he couldn't continue like this, denying how he felt would only lead to more sleepless nights and an even more broken heart on the long run, but he couldn't help it. He had felt this way about Reita for years now...shouldn't he get used to it? Just wondering and letting his fantasy get the best of him? He kept walking in the cold night, shivering a bit and becoming distracted with the buildings in front of him.
So many lights, so many stories he didn't know...what other secrets were hiding behind those windows? He started to get lost in his own thoughts, just to stop in his tracks when he found the yellow sign he was expecting to see on the right corner, near the Lawson store. Apparently i was going to rain pretty soon, so he got inside the restaurant. It was one of those japanese fast food chains that was open 24 hours, the kind that he would frequently visit on nights like this one.
He greeted the familiar staff and sat on the table farther away from the entrance, since he didn't want to be disturbed. He enjoyed the cozy and anonymous atmosphere, where he could have a (very) late dinner without being recognized. He ordered his favorite dish: gyudon with extra meat and soy sauce. He allowed himself a guilty pleasure regarding comfort food every now and then; perhaps it was the cheapest option but it would fill his heart.
Ruki took his time to eat, half focusing on the meal and half wondering if the people he saw through the window had a similar story. Without realizing it, the rain had become worse over the last few minutes, making the glass stained with water drops and eventual leafs. He sighed for what felt like the millionth time and reached for a napkin. Maybe he could start writing the lyrics for the next ballad....
"Hey, Takanori!" Ruki heard a loud voice calling his name and, a bit stressed about being recognized, he looked up from he table. His heart did a weird twist inside his rib cage at the sight in front of him: Reita was walking through the restaurant, making a bee-line to avoid the tables, waving in his direction. Ruki tried to hide the excitement and relief he felt running through his body, to no avail. Reita was wearing the leather jacket he had given him for his birthday, the one that made him look even more blond. Reita winked as a hello and, without asking for permission, he sat right next to him, ignoring the empty seat in front of both of them.
"Akira? What are you doing here? It's almost 4 am!" Ruki made some space for Reita to seat, his heart stuck on his throat.
"Ehm...I couldn't sleep. I don't know why, I just felt...off". Reita avoided looking at him in the eyes, taking as an excuse that he was checking out the menu. "I figured you might be awake and I tried calling you, but your phone would sent me straight to voicemail".
"You do realize it's super weird that you were actually able to find me, right?" Ruki couldn't hide the disbelief in his voice. "How did you know I would be here?" He felt Reita getting a bit closer, his leg touching Ruki's under the table.
"I thought that if you weren't home nor at the studio, you would come here. Remember? The first time we came here it was together. You told me it had become your favorite restaurant." Reita ordered some miso soup and teriyaki, finally looking at Ruki. "Is it okay if I make you company?"
Ruki felt something warm spreading through his veins, that sense of belonging he didn't have anywhere else. He pretended to be annoyed, but Reita knew him well, maybe a little too well for his heart's well being. He put his arm around Ruki while they were waiting for his order, which got him a slight punch on the shoulder almost on auto pilot.
"Whatever", he said, "just stop eating my meat already!" Reita picked another piece of beef and laughed quietly before eating half of it and offering the rest to Ruki with his chopsticks. He rolled his eyes at the bassist but ate it anyways, giving him a smug look.
"Oh, by the way...uhm...I was thinking", Reita started to say when his miso soup arrived, "I have my bike with me but it's kind of late and we have the meeting tomorrow so...do you think I could stay at your place for the night?"
Ruki almost choked at the suggestion, but he tried to think about it as the reasonable adult he supposed he was. Sometimes. Not tonight though. How many other nights and beds hadn't they shared before? They were friends, right? He didn't want to make things more awkward between them. "Sure, I'll just make sure the bed in the guest room is ready. You know Koron gets jealous with visits".
It was almost 5 am when they got on Reita's bike and, even though it was only a ten minute ride, Ruki was really grateful to have an excuse to hug the blond, laying his head on his back, feeling the muscles underneath the jacket and the wind on his cheeks. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. How lucky he felt at the moment. For some weird reason though, he had the suspicion Reita sneaked a glance or two through the mirrors, his chest a bit faster than usual. Maybe he was just tired because of the hour? When they got to his apartment, he offered his hand to Reita to guide him through the hallway, even though both of them knew it like the palm of their hands by now. It was just something Ruki enjoyed, that familiarity and closeness they had, no explanations required. Just a knowing smile, a question on Ruki's eyes and the answer on Reita's lips.
That night and the next ones to follow, Reita and Ruki were finally able to sleep; Koron between them and rumbled sheets on the floor.
Outside, the rain had now stopped.