Chapter Text
Chapter Five: Rainflower Fortune
“-I think the worst part is, I’m still upset.”
“And why is that the worst part?”
“Because I don’t want to be upset…” Jun sighed and dragged his hands over his face.
It was hard for him to tell if these therapy sessions were working. No matter how many visits he had with Reiko, he still left unable to understand why he was feeling upset. And it wasn’t fair.
“…It’s not Tatsuya’s fault.” He removed his hands from his face and stared up at the ceiling. Jun was lying on the couch in Reiko’s office. The woman was sitting across from him in a large lounge chair taking notes. She didn’t say much until the end of their sessions. Often just letting Jun ramble on, stopping him to only asking him questions and directing the conversation. She let him air out his fears and concerns as they dug to the root of the issue, but usually, Jun felt he rambled for so long that they rarely got to sort things out.
“It’s not any one’s fault other than mine-”
“You’ve said that since the beginning,” Reiko interrupted him, “Why do you feel that way?”
“…Sudou wouldn’t have had such an interest in Akira if not for me.” Jun slightly turned his head toward her, “I was the one he wanted. I was the one who rejected him. Ignored him and kept him out of my life… When I knew that everyone else had done the same. I made him what he was… And even though it’s all resolved, I’m still upset. I’m getting angry over nothing at home. I have these thoughts running through my head of ‘why didn’t we just do this?’, ‘How could we have let this happen?’, ‘When is it going to be okay?’”
“You’re still grieving,” Reiko tapped her pen to the end of her note pat. “Rather than moving forward toward acceptance, you seem to be cycling through the same stages of grief: anger and bargaining. You keep questioning about doing things differently, even though Sudou has already passed. And you keep looking for someone to blame you, even though everyone agrees you’re not at fault-”
“I am at fault!” Jun sat up and swung his legs around. “That’s why I’m so upset! I did this… It was my mistake… Everything from Sudou to Akira…”
Reiko made a notation down on her pad, “Why Akira?”
“Excuse me?”
“You say things with Akira are your fault? You mentioned that two sessions ago…” the woman flipped through her notepad, “Here… ‘When we adopted Akira, I was warned there would be complications. But this entire incident was more than I could have imagined.’ You mentioned feeling emotionally overwhelmed and fatigued.” She looked up at him, “But you don’t seem to want to elaborate on why that is? Why adopting Akira was going to be problematic.”
Jun stared at her, tight-lipped. He said nothing and just lowered his gaze to the floor.
“I can’t help you, Jun, if you don’t tell me.”
“I- I have to ask if I can tell you.”
“You have to ask? Who?”
Jun shook his head slightly, “Tatsuya.”
“Hmn,” Jun didn’t lift his head but he heard Reiko making some notes. “Is your husband controlling?”
“What!” His head snapped up, “No, not at all. Tatsuya lets me have my way far too often if anything.”
“Like with your wish to visit Sudou’s gave site? He still hasn’t said anything negative about that?”
“No, nothing.”
Reiko looked back down and made a few notes. As she did, the timer for her session with Jun went off. He started to stand, and she raised her hand indicating she wanted him to stay. As soon as she was done jotting down her information Reiko set her pad aside.
“I can see that you’re hiding something from me… Something about your relationship with your son and husband. It’s hard for me to tell if that factors into this or not, but I can tell you, you are slipping a bit further into your depressed state. And the anger… When you were a senior in high school you were seeing Maki about anger management and depression.”
“Yes. I haven’t- I haven’t needed anything for that in years.”
“The recent resurgence of your depression could be tipping the balance again. It could explain why you’re so intent on hanging onto your anger over the incident with Sudou. I want to write you a few prescriptions… But-” Reiko rose to her feet, “I want to talk to your husband about your condition.”
Jun watched her stand up confused, “You want to talk to Tatsuya? Why?”
“A lot of your anger is directed at him. I just want to interview him, for a better understanding. But only with your permission.”
Jun sighed and slowly pushed himself to stand up, “Tatsuya, never speaks about his feelings… Even now, he just listens to me. And Akira… I’ve asked him how he felt and all he says is he’s happy we're all together.”
“No signs he’s having any inner turmoil, anger, anxiety?”
“…He’s always been good about keeping it to himself. Even when we were kids.”
“I see, well… I’ll let you run it by him.” Reiko turned to her desk to grab a prescription pad and scribbled down a few names and doses. “Here,” she tore the paper off and turned to Jun. “For now, we’ll focus on the depression. See if that helps clear up your lingering anger and if you’re able to move forward.”
He took the paper, his hand trembling just a bit, “Thank you.”
Jun sighed, and folded the paper to slip into his pocket.
Reiko moved to the door and opened it up. Jun did his best to shake the tired and distant look off his face and put on a smile as he exited the office. Once outside he turned and smiled at Reiko one last time.
“Thank you again, Reiko-san.”
“There’s no need to thank me,” she cordially nodded, “You’re making great progress. You and your son are long-time clients, I’m simply happy that you’re pleased enough with our service to keep returning. You know that many patients transferred out after the debacle with Sawada… I must admit I’m so surprised your family out of all of them still comes here…”
Jun did his best to try and reassure her, “That’s because both you and Maki-san are here. I remember how much good she did for me… And certainly, Akira’s childhood was improved by his time with Maki as well. One selfish man doesn’t change how we feel about either of you.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Reiko smiled. “I’ll see you next week then?”
“Of course,” Jun turned away from her to smile at Tatsuya and Akira on the couch. He hoped it was cheerful enough to mask his exhaustion. They both smiled back at him, so he took that as a good sign. Tatsuya could probably tell, but Akira looked on at him with a cheerful expression; one he often displayed since Goro left Sumaru City.
Akira’s smile did revitalize him. It had been a few years since he’d seen Akira smile this much. It was like he was back to being a kid again. A bright, happy, little boy who was just excited to have his own room, his own bed, and his own toys. Who was just happy to have someone who wanted to spend time with him each day, and not lock him away and forget him.
‘Amamiya…’ Jun felt his stomach twist up in knots as he stopped next to the couch. Surly Akira never wanted to go back to those people… Not that he could. Akira hadn’t spoken of them much since the hospital. Jun did bring them up once, but Akira told him the things he felt he remembered so clearly on the day he woke up were all a blur now.
That was probably for the best.
“Alright, sorry I took a little longer than usual,” Jun extended his hand to Tatsuya. His husband took it as he stood and squeezed. When Jun glanced up to meet his gaze, he felt the knot in his stomach tighten. Tatsuya’s eyes held a hint of worry.
“Akira only just came out a few minutes ago himself…” He hesitated, “How are you feeling?”
Jun opened his mouth, ready to assure Tatsuya he was fine, to tell him not to worry. To tell him he was going to be much better… But he foolishly deflected, “I feel hungry.”
“Pops! That’s not a feeling!” Akira jumped up from the couch, “But I agree. I’m also hungry.”
“We can go eat at the Jolly Roger,” Tatsuya advised.
“No, it’s closed. It’s being converted into a Big Bang Burger.”
Tatsuya rolled his eyes and Jun chuckled, hiding his smirk behind his hands, “Another one?”
“Dad, don’t knock it till you try it! Plus, one of Goro’s friends is the daughter of the CEO.”
“That doesn’t mean I have to like that every fast food restaurant in town is becoming a Big Bang Burger.”
“Well we can head over to Gatten Sushi then,” Jun started walking, still holding onto Tatsuya’s hand as they made their way out of the office. Akira bounded his way up to Jun’s other side and held out his cellphone.
“Hey, Pops, what do you think of Goro’s cat blog?”
Dinner at Gatten Sushi went smoothly in Jun’s eyes. He delighted in showing Akira that he already knew about Goro’s cat blog. He even liked and saved a few pictures of Shiki.
Tatsuya continued to express that he didn’t understand the value of the blog.
“Goro’s become popular around town since the investigation,” Jun placed his phone face down on the table. “I’ve spotted a few girls in the stores wearing ‘A.’ pins and the Coolest ’s interview of him was one of their top five downloaded issues.” Jun was sitting next to Akira, and Tatsuya sat across from them on the other side of the table.
“You’re keeping up with Goro’s popularity?” Tatsuya had his attention focused on the plate in the middle of the table where there was one last piece of sushi. Currently, he was hovering over it while Akira’s chopsticks were clamped down on his.
“I’m going to be working at Sevens again. It will help if I know some of what’s popular with the kids.”
“Pops, if you need info on Goro, I can keep you up to date,” Akira continued to hang onto Tatsuya’s chopsticks as he tried to pull away.
“I don’t want to pry into your relationship, Akira…” Jun watched them struggle for a moment, “You two could just split it.”
“Dad had one more than everyone else.”
“No, I didn’t, I had one less than Jun.”
“I was counting.”
“Akira, Tatsuya, just split it.”
“If it was tuna Morgana could have it….”
“We’re already at an odd number because you gave Morgana all the tuna ones.”
Jun shook his head with a sigh as they continued. Eikichi approached their table and slid into the booth next to Tatsuya.
“Finally, a lull in the crowd!” He leaned back in the booth and nodded to Jun, “So how’s my best friend and best brother-in-law doing? Is the meal any good? If you don’t like it, I’ll rough up the chef.”
Jun scoffed and rolled his eyes, “The food was great, Eikichi.”
“Yeah, Uncle, we loved it,” Akira turned his attention to Eikichi. His greeting was just long enough for Tatsuya to pull himself free and take the last piece of sushi.
“Promise me you won’t sell this place to Big Bang Burger,” Tatsuya nodded to Eikichi.
“What? Me? Sell out to the man? Come on, you know me better than that.” Eikichi jerked his thumb over his shoulder, “I heard a rumor that some suits from Okumura were down at the Shiraishi Ramen, though. So that might be gone in a few months.”
“The ramen shop? Ryuji will be heartbroken…”
“He’s leaving soon anyway, right?” Eikichi nodded, “Soon you and Etsuko are going to be the only two kids of the group around. It may mean that the size of the free meals I give out is going to go down, but my waste is going to increase… You kids were great for clearing out the odds and ends of supplies.”
“Yeah, it’s going to be lonely without them here…” Akira set down his chopsticks and stared at his plate for a moment. Jun turned his head to study his son’s expression. Akira was more upbeat as of late, however just because he was smiling all the time didn’t mean that there couldn’t be something wrong. Perhaps the cheerful attitude had lulled Jun into a false sense of security about his son.
He had caught him having a few nightmares as of late.
“Hey, don’t think of it as being alone,” Eikichi pat his hand on the table, “You’re folks are still here with you. And you know your cousin and us are always here for you too.”
“And Lisa’s pretty much made Sumaru her base of operations,” Tatsuya added.
“And Big Maya will always be interested in keeping you company, Akira,” Jun reached over to put a hand on his shoulder.
The contact made Akira’s head pop up and he offered each of them a smile.
“You’re right. Sorry… I guess I was just overthinking it. I know my family is still here.”
Jun nodded firmly but kept his hand on Akira’s shoulder for a bit longer until the conversation started up again. He retracted his hand and watched as Akira now started on Eikichi about the cat blog. Jun remained mostly silent watching the back and forth between Eikichi’s curiosity, Tatsuya’s dismissal, and Akira’s overzealous explanations.
Seeing them all carry on like it was a regular meal was nice. It was like nothing had ever happened. However, the longer he sat listening, taking in the normalcy of the dinner his jaw tightened behind his smile. Something did happen. This meal almost didn’t happen.
If just one thing had gone differently, Akira wouldn’t be here. Jun took a deep breath just thinking about all the ways the slightest error could have cost them Akira’s life.
“Jun.”
He jerked his head at the sound of his name. Tatsuya was eyeing him from across the table.
“Oh,” he finally relaxed his jaw, “Sorry I was… Focusing on what I had left to do to prepare for school.”
Tatsuya said nothing, But Eikichi spoke up.
“Oh yeah! Yoshizaka was in here a few days ago, she said you were hired back into staff. Teaching second year?”
“That’s right! It’s only been a few years, but I want to make sure I’m not rusty. High schoolers can be ruthless.”
Eikichi snorted, “You’re certainly the authority on that.”
Jun let out an awkward laugh, but Tatsuya shook his head.
“Alright,” Eikichi stood up, “I’ve got work to do, and I’m sure you want to get home so you can continue to organize things.” He started to grab their empty plates. “And don’t worry, it’s on the house as usual.”
“When are you going to make us start paying for meals?” Tatsuya shook his head. “This is a terrible way to run a business.”
“Family eats for free, Tatsuya! If you want to pay, divorce Jun.”
Akira and Jun chuckled.
“Why does us getting divorced mean I have to pay? Why not you?”
Tatsuya opened the door to their house and let Jun and Akira in before him.
“Eikichi would never make me pay,” Jun held his head up, exaggerating a smug look as he walked past his husband.
“Dad, even I know Pops is allowed to get away with anything and everything in your group.” Akira turned around and put his hands on his hips, “That’s why I made it a point to take after him.”
“Akira,” Jun shook his head, “You take after Tatsuya.” Akira opened his mouth like he was going to object but Jun held up his hand, “Motorcycle. Idiocy.”
Akira let his mouth hang open, blinked a few times, “I’m going to my room.”
Jun covered his mouth trying to hold back a laugh so he could speak, “Have a good night, sweetheart.”
“I will,” he half waved as he started down the hall.
“And if you have a nightmare, wake me up okay,” Jun called after him.
“Pops, I don’t need you for a little nightmare okay!”
Jun continued to stare down the hall as Akira walked out of sight, “What do you think about Akira’s nightmares?” Tatsuya didn’t answer right away so he continued talking. “I wonder if he’s still bothered about everything that happened and just isn’t telling us?”
“You mean like you are?”
“What?” He turned his eyes from the hall to Tatsuya. His husband was watching him with a concerned expression. “Why are you saying that?”
“Because you are… Do you want to talk about it?”
Jun slowly shook his head, “Tatsuya, I’m fine. My sessions with Reiko are going well.”
“I never said they weren’t,” he inclined his head toward Jun, “I’m sure she’s helping you a lot, but there’s something wrong, isn’t there?”
Jun stood still. Of course, Tatsuya knew something was wrong. Decades together and he still thought he could hide things from him. However, now that he was confronted, he had to decide what he was ready to tell Tatsuya and what he still wanted to work on…
“Reiko wants to interview you.”
“Interview me?”
“Yes,” Jun looked away and combed his fingers through his bangs. “She asked me today if you’re controlling.”
“What?” Tatsuya chuckled softly. That was a relief, it seemed this information would be enough.
“I told her you weren’t,” Jun looked back at him and shrugged. “But it came up in a line of questioning about Akira… I told her there were somethings I couldn’t answer, and she thinks you’re stopping me from giving details.”
“Oh,” Tatsuya pressed his lips together and hummed. “Alright, I think I can handle an interview with her.”
“… Are you sure? I mean… I was certain we still weren’t giving out any information.”
“I can handle it.” Tatsuya nodded before walking over to Jun. He placed a hand on his shoulder and a kiss on his forehead, “Don’t stress about it anymore, okay? I thought your jaw was going to lock in place at dinner.”
“You-!” Jun raised a hand and gently smacked at the side of Tatsuya’s arm.
“Come on,” Tatsuya grabbed his hand, “I know you worry about Akira more than anything. And it’s obvious when you’re overthinking something. And you’ve been tense since we left the therapy office.”
Jun let out a slightly annoyed grumble, “I just knew you knew… You always know.”
“You’re an easy book to read.” Tatsuya kissed the back of his hand.
“Am I? Easy doesn’t mean enjoyable.”
Tatsuya looked at Jun questioningly, “Your problems have never made me think any less of you.” Jun tried to turn his head away only to have Tatsuya reach out to take his chin and turn it back. “I mean that.”
He made sure they kept eye contact with one another.
“Does that bother you?” Tatsuya asked.
“…”
“That’s what it is isn’t it?”
“Tatsuya,” Jun shook him off and put up his hands with a deflective smile. “You’re so ridiculous. You would forgive me if I pushed a button that ended the whole world. Deliberately.”
“I’m sure you’d have a good reason.”
“Tatsuya!” Jun pressed his palm to his forehead and stood still thinking. Even though he turned his eyes down he still knew his husband was watching him. “…Do you ever blame me for anything?”
“…I blamed you that time Morgana ate the buttons off my shirts when you were doing laundry.”
“For anything serious,” Jun looked up and snapped at him.
Tatsuya shrugged, “All of my work shirts missing a button right in the middle of them was serious at the time.”
“What about taking Akira from the hospital that night?”
Tatsuya didn’t respond.
“So you do?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you’re not answering me.”
“I don’t blame you for that.”
Jun took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He didn’t say anything else, he just turned and walked away towards the kitchen. Tatsuya followed after him and stood next to the table as Jun started to make himself a cup of tea.
“You want me to blame you.”
Jun still didn’t answer, he just started aggressively opening cabinets and pulling a cut, saucer, a spoon.
“You know you’re not at fault, Jun. Sudou was.”
Jun turned his back to him to fill the kettle with water and then place it on the stove. When he didn’t react, Tatsuya continued talking.
“There are a lot of people at fault for all the things that happened that night. Sudou, Sawada, Akira’s father-”
“Which father,” Jun mumbled.
“Excuse me?”
“Which of Akira’s fathers? Are you talking about me? You? Or him ?”
“You know who I’m talking ab-” Tatsuya shook his head, “Jun, don’t do this. You do not have to take responsibility for this.”
“What if I want to?” He turned to look at Tatsuya. “Don’t you think one of us should?”
“Of course I do. But that one of us isn’t you.”
Jun stared at his husband, frowning slightly. He felt his jaw clenching up again, and the tightness in his chest returning.
“…Don’t you dare.”
“You know that you’re not at fault.”
“…Tatsuya.”
“I ran the investigation.”
“Tatsuya, listen to me-”
“I brought you to the hospital to meet Akira.”
“You can’t tell me I didn’t do this. Not this time.”
“I helped cover it all up-”
The kettle started to make an attempt at whistling and Jun grabbed the handle.
“-I dragged you into this and-”
“I’m the one that made Sudou! Not you!” Jun screamed at the top of his lungs as he turned and hurled the hot kettle across the room. Tatsuya slightly flinched, but it didn’t come anywhere near him as it sailed across the counter and collided with the far wall of the room before crashing onto the floor behind the dining room table.
He turned his head to see where it had hit and then back to Jun.
Jun stood with his arm still slightly stretched out and trembling. The moment Tatsuya made eye contact with him again he crumbled to the floor and started gasping for air. He buried his face in his hands but could hear Tatsuya’s footsteps as he hurried over to him.
“Don’t touch me!” He managed to belt out. But kept his face covered. He felt his entire body was shaking, and his palms were slowly getting wetter as he started to cry.
“I made him.” He muttered. “I made him. I was his everything. Everything he did was for me. Don’t take that from me. Don’t take it.”
Tatsuya said nothing, though Jun was sure he was still standing there.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat on the ground, crying into his hands but eventually, Jun pulled them away from his face and looked ahead.
Tatsuya was now sitting on the floor with his back to the counter just watching him. His expression was fixed into a pensive gaze. He didn’t move when Jun looked at him. And Jun continued to sit on the floor shaking as he cried.
“…You didn’t make Sudou.”
“-You-”
“Shut up.” Jun cut him off. “I know what it’s like to love someone so much it makes you sick. I felt that way about you in high school. All I wanted was to ruin your life. It’s not fair. I got help. I never went back to help him.”
Tatsuya nodded.
“Sudou is my fault.”
Tatsuya nodded.
“No. Say it out loud.”
“…Sudou is your fault.”
Jun sighed. He nodded. He then leaned forward and crawled over to Tatsuya. He put his back against the counter and Tatsuya raised his arm to wrap around Jun’s shoulders as he leaned over to rest his head on him.
“Did Akira say anything about the noise?” Jun mumbled.
Tatsuya shook his head, “I think he’s already passed out.”
“…How did he sleep through that…” Jun sighed. “I feel like his new medication makes his sleeping too deep. Not that he’ll talk to me about his weird new sleeping habits.”
Tatsuya just responded by squeezing Jun’s shoulder, and lightly rubbing his arm. They sat in silence for a few moments before he spoke up.
“…Your aim is getting off.”
Jun sniffled and bit back a sobbing laugh, “If I wanted to hit you I would have.”
“…Are you talking to Reiko about your anger?”
“She gave me something for my depression… Said that she wants to see if that brings my anger down.”
“It’s a start. But you should probably tell her you threw a boiling kettle across the kitchen.”
“I’ll tell her it was your fault.”
“…Why?” Tatsuya turned his head to kiss the top of Jun’s forehead, “It’s yours.”