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Day 1
An eeriness had settled over Keith Mars’ home. Whispering replaced boisterous conversation. Closed shades blocked out the bright SoCal sunshine. Death had once again come to the Mars family.
Inside the quiet house, Keith, Wallace Fennell, and Cliff McCormack gathered around the dining room table murmuring softly. Their conversation consisted of small talk and inanities, as if having complete silence would be too overwhelming. Death always makes life awkward and they couldn’t help the human need to fill the space in between.
Veronica Mars ignored it all. She sat on the couch, cocooned in a blue fleece blanket and a pair of old leggings and t-shirt, knees pulled up to her chest. Minor scrapes and cuts from the debris of Penn Epner’s final explosion covered her ashen face. Pony was curled up next to her, his body infusing heat into hers since she seemed to have become permanently cold. Her gaze drifted, her mind a continuous flow of non sequitur thoughts.
A phone rang. Keith, Wallace, and Cliff simultaneously snapped their heads towards her, but Veronica barely noticed. Wallace sheepishly answered his cell phone, heading to the kitchen to take the call. Veronica figured it was probably his wife Shae calling, checking up on the tragic widow.
Fuck, Veronica thought, all concern for father-daughter bets gone. The word widow hung there, feeling like an anvil crushing her.
Logan...how do I do this?
Then the guilt flooded in, a lead ball in her gut. Partners in crime with the guilt were questions and self-recriminations.
I’m so sorry, Logan. So fucking sorry. Sorry I wasn’t smart enough. Clever enough to figure out what Penn was doing.
Why didn’t I remember about his goddamn backpack?
Why didn’t I say yes sooner?
God, I’m so fucking sorry.
Day 4
Veronica stood in her father’s kitchen, leaning against the kitchen sink and staring out the window. A drinking glass rested in her hand. The silence of the empty house comforted her. It required no thought or action. It didn’t ask her how she was doing or holding up. Then the doorbell rang. Startled out of her drifting thoughts, she noticed the empty glass and suddenly remembered she had come into the kitchen for water.
A second ringing of the doorbell jarred Veronica into moving. She placed the glass on the countertop and walked to the front door. She opened it to find Mac standing there with a suitcase and computer bag and a haggered expression. Her rumpled clothes and messy hair evidence that she had flown home from Istanbul as soon as possible.
One look at Veronica’s face and Mac stepped forward to sweep her into a tight embrace. In the doorway of her father’s home Veronica broke down into deep, soul crushing sobs for the first time since Logan was killed.
Day 14
The funeral was held on a perfect spring day. The sun was warm and the breeze cool. It was the kind of day that would have tempted Logan out early to surf while Veronica went for a run. Then they’d meet up at home for breakfast or out at a boardwalk cafe if they were in an indulgent mood.
A small crowd filled all of the folding chairs, spilling out behind to stand. The landscape was dotted with faces from all points of Logan’s life. A motley collection of friends and chosen family from the Navy, college, and high school, his sister Trina, and Veronica’s mom and brother. Even Weevil hovered in the background.
Veronica paid no attention. She sat front row center, pressed between Keith on her right and Wallace on her left. They each held a hand, keeping her grounded because none of it seemed real and she thought she would float away if they let go. The rest of her family filled in the remaining front row seats - Shae, Mac, Dick, Cliff, and Matty. However, all Veronica saw was the urn sitting on the pedestal next to the naval chaplain.
My husband, she thinks, that’s all that is left of him.
Day 60
Veronica stopped to grab lunch from a favorite sandwich shop on the way back from picking up a client’s check. Her appetite had been almost nonexistent for weeks, but she found herself starving after her errand and had a craving for the shop’s Italian sub. She slouched against the side wall, waiting for her name to be called. The place was almost empty, the lunch rush hour having passed. Aside from the two employees and herself, only a young couple remained, also waiting on their order.
Distracted by their conversation, Veronica listened as the woman berated her boyfriend for being squeamish about not buying tampons the last time he went grocery shopping, leaving her in the lurch. A flash of embarrassment crossed the boyfriend’s face as he tried to defend himself by saying he grew up with two brothers and then defensively questioned why she couldn’t buy her own “products.”
Veronica found the argument amusing and for a moment she was glad to be caught up in someone else’s life, even if it was a simple domestic disagreement. Before she could hear how the argument ended, her order was ready. She snagged the food bag and headed out across the street to her car. Chuckling, she couldn’t help but think back to the first time Logan picked up a box of tampons for her at the store after returning from his first post-reunion deployment.
******
There’s a pounding on the front door followed by Logan calling out, “Veronica!”
Veronica jumped off the couch and maneuvered Pony out of the way to unlock and open the door. Logan stood there with five reusable grocery bags filled to the brim hanging off both arms. Flashing her a quick grin of thanks, he hurried in and placed the bags on the counter.
Laughing softly, Veronica said, “I know you’re my super strong naval boyfriend, but I would have helped you carry in the groceries.”
Unpacking the first bag, he replied, “I know, but I didn’t get in any weights today so…”
“So...you’re making up for it by hauling 20 pounds of groceries up a flight of stairs?”
“Exactly.”
Crossing over to the counter to help, Veronica took a box of tampons out of the bag and then looked at him strangely.
Seeing the item in her hand, he said, “What? I noticed your box was empty so I picked some up while I was out.”
Amazed at this thoughtfulness because no boyfriend before had ever done such a thing, she asked, “It doesn’t bug you?”
Giving her an incredulous look, he laughed and said, “I’m in the Navy. We don’t fear tampons.”
Veronica kisses his check and said in a simpering tone, “My hero.”
They both laughed.
“Now quit fooling around and put the ice cream away before it melts,” he chastised.
******
She smiled at the memory until she recalled that Logan wouldn’t be surprising her like that any more. She was the only one buying her tampons now. This realization gave her pause. She couldn’t actually remember the last time she bought them. Or the last time she used one, which didn’t make sense because her cycle was usually pretty regular.
The thought was there, sitting at the edge, waiting to tumble out and change everything.
Day 69
Veronica sat as far away as possible from the sink in the apartment’s small bathroom. The five minutes required wait time had long past, but she couldn’t make herself move. She knew the point was moot anyway. Her intuition was rarely wrong.
Nothing would ever be the same again. But then, Veronica was getting used to that pattern in her life.
Day 71
“Dad?”
Keith looked up from his laptop as Veronica hovered in the doorway of his office at Mars Investigations. He looked healthier now that his medications had been adjusted. Assessing the situation, he noticed that Veronica was tense, her face closed off, triggering tension in his own body. His stomach clenched, fearful of more bad news.
Concerned he asked, “Veronica?”
She stumbled to respond, but no words came out. Keith stood up and moved as quickly as he could with his cane and bum hip to wrap her in a bear hug. They stood there in silence, arms wrapped around each other and soon the tension in Veronica’s body abated.
She lifted her head from her father’s chest and looked him in the eye. Without any preamble she said, “I’m pregnant.”
Keith dropped his arms and stumbled backwards slightly at the shock of her announcement. “Oh..I..uhhh,” he stuttered. “You’re, uh, you’re…,” he cleared his throat. “You’re sure?” he finally managed to ask.
“I haven’t been to the doctor, but the three home pregnancy tests confirmed it,” she replied, “And those are almost one hundred percent accurate...so yeah, I’m sure.”
He swept her into a hug again and replied, “I love you and we’re going to be fine,” realizing “we” means three once again.
Day 90
Lively chatter filled Keith’s dining room, the remnants of dinner scattered across the table. Veronica took it all in from her seat at the foot of the table, surrounded by her family. At the head, her dad was in conversation with Cliff while Shae, Matty, and Mac and Dick and Wallace had their own conversations on NUTT and basketball respectively. Little Noah had passed out on the couch fifteen minutes ago.
Weekly family dinners were a newly instituted ritual since Mac returned to Neptune full time a few weeks ago, her consulting gig in Istanbul complete. While Veronica knew Wallace and her dad cooked up the idea in order to keep watch over her, she had actually come to appreciate these evenings. The dinners made it a little harder to slip into the darkness or anger.
They also made it the perfect time to make an announcement. Veronica and Keith had talked about it all week and she decided tonight she would tell her friends about the baby.
Grabbing her knife off the table, Veronica gently tapped it against her water glass to get everyone’s attention. Conversation stopped immediately as everyone gave her their full attention.
“So...I know I’m not always great with sharing how I feel,” she started, and was interrupted by an exclamation of “No kidding” from Wallace, which got a laugh from the group.
Veronica glared at him for a moment before continuing to speak. “Well I was going to thank Wallace and my dad for nudging me into these dinners....”
“Nudge?” Wallace scoffed, “More like threats then bribes.”
“But now I think I’ll just thank my dad,” she said, flashing Wallace a mockingly aggrieved look as everyone laughed at their sibling-like antics.
As the laughter died down, Veronica’s expression became serious and she continued, “No, truly, I’m grateful to Dad and Wallace for these dinner and that you all are here.”
She paused to take a sip of water before making her big announcement. Unconsciously, she placed a hand against her belly.
“I’ve been trying to come up with some quippy, Veronica way to share some news, but my inherent snarkiness is failing me these days so I’ll just say it. ...I’m pregnant.”
Mouths dropped open and dead silence filled the room. Finally, Wallace managed a stuttering, “What?”
“Surprise!” Veronica sing-songed with muted jazz hands.
“Pregnant?” Mac asked in disbelief.
“Yes,” she confirmed.
“When are you due?” Shae asked.
“Late November.”
For several moments no one spoke. They all seemed to be processing the announcement and couldn’t tell from Veronica’s demeanour whether or not they should be happy for her.
“Well, cuss me,” Wallace exclaimed, breaking the tension.
Veronica looked at her best friend and barked out a laugh, mostly in relief that her secret was out, but, surprisingly, in joy as well.
Her laughter was contagious, shaking them out of their shock and they began offering her hugs and congratulations.
Wallace was the last to get in his hug when a thought occurred to him. “Hey! How come we haven’t noticed?”
Veronica grinned enigmatically and replied, “Baggy clothing,” which incited another round of laughter. Then many calls for toasts were made and the regular family dinner turned into a celebration.
Day 105
Keith entered his darkened house, energetically greeted by Pony who seems desperate to be let out. Giving his head a good rubbing, Keith led him to the back door and out into the fenced in yard and then returned inside. Making sure the back door was locked, he headed towards the other side of the house, wondering where Veronica was. Her car was out on the street so he knew she was home.
Nimbly making his way upstairs now that his hip had been replaced, Keith turned on the lights as he went. He saw a light coming from the main bathroom and crossed to the half open door. Inside, Veronica sat on the tiled bathroom floor sobbing, her body shaking she was crying so hard. Dismayed, Keith quickly knelt down and wrapped his arms around Veronica, who startled at the contact until she recognized her dad. She pressed into him, continuing to sob.
Keith wondered what caused such a dramatic reaction and gently rocked her as best he could in their awkward position until her sobs died out. As she looked up at him with big, watery eyes, he brushed her hair back. That was when he noticed her clenched right hand.
“Veronica, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
Veronica drew in a steadying breath and unclenched her hand to reveal her engagement and wedding ring.
“They don’t fit.”
“What?” Keith asked.
“They don’t fit,” she repeated, “I took the rings off to wash my hands and when I went to put them back on, they wouldn’t fit. They’re so swollen that I can’t wear my rings.”
Veronica choked on the last part, trying to stave off another round of crying. However, now Keith understands the problem. Telling her to wait there, he moved quickly out of the bathroom and down the hall. Veronica heard him rummaging around in his room, but had no clue what he could be doing.
A few minutes later Keith returned and handed her a rectangular black velvet jewelry box. Veronica took it and stared at it, then her father.
“Go on,” he encouraged, “Open it.”
Snapping open the lid, inside laid a delicate gold chair on white satin. She looked back at her father with questions in her eyes.
“A few weeks ago, when we took that jewelry store case about the possible disgruntled employee, well I went by to close the case and pick up the check. While waiting on payment, the necklaces caught my eye.
“As I was checking them out, I remembered how your mom’s fingers also swelled up when she was pregnant with you and at one point couldn’t wear her wedding rings any more. I thought you might have the same problem so I made a purchase.
“I figured if you didn’t need it I would give it to you for a birthday or Christmas gift.”
When Keith finished his story, a grateful smile bloomed across Veronica’s face. She quickly unhooked the necklace and slid her rings down the chain. As she brought the two ends around her neck, Keith gave her a hand and hooked them together. When he finished, he gave her a hand up and she went to look in the mirror.
Veronica turned to her dad and gave him a gripping hug, her growing belly presed between them, and whispered, “Thank you. I love you so much.”
Grinning, Keith pulled back and said, “Who’s your daddy?”
She groaned laughingly and gave him a playful shove, but still had a smile on her face as they left the bathroom and head downstairs, her hand clasped gently around her rings.
Day 158
Veronica and Mac stood in the middle of the nursery, surrounded by bags and bags of washed baby clothes, bedding, and other infant paraphernalia. Dismayed by the number of items that need to be put away, Mac asked, “Does the kid really need this much stuff? Can’t we just use some old t-shirts of ours and keep the baby in one of your dresser drawers?”
Feeling overwhelmed as well, Veronica responded, “When I said something similar to Wallace, he told me he’d report me to child services.”
Chuckling, Mac said, “Well, I guess that’s a yes then. Where do you want to begin?”
“Why don’t you handle the bedding and anything that should be stored in the shelving over there and I’ll get started on the clothing.”
Mac nodded in agreement and pulled out the dark blue bedding to get started on the crib. Veronica crossed to the right side of the room and tackled the bag of clothing closest to the dresser, folding the tiny items and placing them in the dresser drawers.
The nursery was pale blue with beachy white furniture. A muralist friend of Mac’s painted a beautiful ocean mural on the back wall and even included a tiny brown-haired figure surfing in the background. Veronica had decided that a child of Logan Echolls had to have an ocean themed bedroom. In addition to the crib, dresser/changing table, and storage unit, hanging above the dresser was a collage of silver frames filled with family photos, mostly of Logan or Logan and Veronica, but Keith, Wallace and his family, Mac, Dick, Lynn, and even Trina too. Veronica wanted their baby to know how much it was loved.
“So is this the infamous ‘nesting’ I’ve heard so much about?” Mac teasingly asked.
A moue of annoyance on her face, Veronica exasperatedly responded, “Ugh, I think so. And here I thought it would never happen to me. Stupid pregnancy hormones.”
Mac couldn’t help but laugh and said in an announcer voice, “No one can escape the pull of the hormonal need to nest in the last weeks of pregnancy. Not even the great and powerful Veronica Mars.”
Veronica begrudgingly laughed at Mac’s antics before turning back around to continue folding.
Mac added, “Eh, well at least you didn’t do a gender reveal party or some cutesy way of sharing the news on social media.”
“Ha! I would’ve had you check me for mind control implants if that had happened. Even pregnancy hormones can’t make me do that.”
Finished with the bedding, Mac moved over to the double stacked shelving unit with six cubbies to store the few books and toys the baby had already acquired. The top cubbies were left open and the bottom ones were filled with grey cloth bins.
Continuing their conversation, she said, “I’m shocked you let my mom and I throw you a baby shower.”
“Two words...presents and cake.”
Mac grinned, knowing how true that statement was. Presents and cake were probably the only reason Mac and Natalie were able to host the most chill, non-cutesy baby shower ever. Not that Mac minded as she had had no desire to play traditional baby shower games or “oooh” and “ahhh” over gifts. The shower was actually a cookout at her parents’ home with the people closest to Veronica.
Glancing at Mac, Veronica turned serious for a moment. “I really did appreciate the party, Mac. I mean, really, all that you’ve done for me and the baby.”
“I know,” she replied, looking at Veronica, “I wanted to do it. You deserve it Veronica.”
Feeling too big and cumbersome to bend down and give Mac a hug, Veronica reached out her hand to express her gratitude. While Veronica was usually more porcupine than teddy bear, she was trying to be better about appreciating those closest to her. Giving Mac’s hand a squeeze, Veronica was reminded of the comfort Mac gave her with her surprising offer a few months ago.
******
Wallace and Mac entered Mars Investigation, debating loudly about something computer related. Mac seemed to be trying to convince Wallace of her point and he was defiantly resisting, but their conversation stopped when they saw Veronica in her office.
She smiled at her friends and called out, “Mac-attack! Fennell-ster! What’s up?”
“Mac-attack, Veronica? I thought we were passed that?”
“I can’t help it. The baby likes it.”
Rolling her eyes, Mac laughingly replied, “This isn’t like a pregnancy craving, Veronica. You don’t get to blame it on the baby.”
“Sure, I do. If I have to carry this watermelon for nine months and then push it out, in what could be hours and hours of labor, then the baby gets to be my excuse for everything.”
“Not to call me Fennell-ster, it doesn’t,” Wallace declared.
Not bothering to argue with Veronica’s logic, Mac slid into one of the chairs in front of her desk and asked Veronica what she was working on as Wallace took the seat to her right.
“Looking at houses.”
“To buy or for a case?” Mac asked.
“To buy.”
“No offense, but can you afford one? In this area? I’m mean you had a rent controlled apartment.”
Veronica looked up from her laptop and sighed. There was a long moment of silence before she said, “Technically, now I can.”
It took Mac and Wallace a moment to process her statement, but when they did, they both gave her a look of sympathy.
“I’m surprised that you’re…,” Wallace began before Veronica interrupted him.
“That I’m putting Logan’s inheritance to use?”
He nodded his head in agreement.
“Yeah, if the situation were different, I’d probably just let it rot there like he did, but now….”
“Now it’s not just you,” Wallace said in understanding.
“Exactly. And even then I wasn’t keen on the idea. But my dad and I had a long talk and he made me realize I would only be honoring Logan by using these resources to take care of our child.”
“Find anything yet?” Wallace inquired.
“No,” Veronica says.
Mac heard the frustration in her voice and sensed that the problem was bigger than not be able to find or afford the right home.
Leaning in to the desk, Mac asked, “What’s wrong?”
Veronica slouched against her chair, eyes closed for a moment. Between the pregnancy hormones and her grief, she constantly felt overwhelmed by her emotions. She hated feeling this way, out of control and weepy. She was also sick and tired of evoking sympathy all the time, even from her best friends. Maybe especially from her best friends.
Mac shot a questioning glance at Wallace and he shook his head in understanding.
“V,” he paused until she looked at him, “Look, I know you are out of your element here. And that you’ve been through so much crap these last few months, but if we haven’t said so recently, you’re doing great. I know Logan would be proud of you.”
Veronica didn’t react to his words, but Wallace and Mac could see her trying to keep it together, which they thought was the last thing Veronica needed to do.
“Wallace is right, Veronica,” Mac continued, “In spite of losing Logan and finding out about the baby, you’ve kept your shit together. And you know we’re here for you no matter what. So let us help.”
Pushing away from the desk, Veronica jumped up and slammed the laptop closed, then started angrily pacing behind her desk.
“I’m fucking pissed,” she cried, “I never wanted this. God! Everything we saw as kids. Everything I see on this job. A marriage that would end in divorce. Kids who’d need therapy for the rest of their lives. I never wanted it.
“But…,” she sobbed.
“But if you did want it, you’d want it with Logan,” Wallace finished for her.
“Yes!” she yelled, “He supposed to fucking be here with me! Picking out houses. Going to the doctor. Hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Making horribly lame suggestions for names like Axel or Muffy that would make me want to punch him.
“But he’s not and it’s not fair. It’s not fair,” she finished quietly, her initial burst of anger petering out.
Mac and Wallace simultaneously stood up and crossed around the desk, collectively embracing Veronica as she cried out her anger. They pressed their heads against hers, silently offering their support.
Once Veronica calmed, Mac jokingly asked, “Is this the part where I tell you to hit Dick to make you feel better?”
Veronica let out a chuckle and then another and another and soon all three of them were laughing uproariously. Knowing her anger had passed for the moment, Mac and Wallace let Veronica go but remained by her side.
“What if you didn’t have to do this alone?” Mac wondered.
“What do you mean?”
“Well...I know I can’t replace Logan, but what if I help you search for a place. That we can share,” she offered, “I mean, with my consulting work, I travel a lot and so it doesn’t make a ton of sense for me to have my own place right now.
“That will probably change in a few years, but for now I can be the live-in ‘auntie’ and you can provide me with a homebase. What do you think?”
The grateful smile on Veronica’s face was all the confirmation Mac needs.
********
They eventually found a three bedroom condo in a beautifully renovated warehouse in Morningside, the town just above Neptune on the coast. They both fell in love with the space upon first viewing and Veronica liked the idea of not being in Neptune proper, even if she didn’t go far.
Letting go of Mac’s hand, Veronica smiled wryly. “This damn kid is already changing our lives. Did you ever think we’d touch and hug this much?”
Laughing, Mac replied, “Definitely not. Now back to work Mars. This crap ain’t going to unpack itself.”
Saluting and giving her an “aye, aye Captain,” they got back to work on the last task to make their new home complete.
Day 246
Veronica sat up in the bed of her private room at the birthing center, gazing down at the infant in her arms. After 10 hours of labor, at 9:26 am on November 29, Caleb Keith Echolls made his way into the world with his grandfather Keith and Auntie Mac by his mother’s side. Now cleaned and fed, mother and son were enjoying a moment of quiet bonding before the rest of their family made an appearance.
Moments later, Veronica heard the unmistakable voices of her family and friends in the hallway chattering like geese. The door slowly opened and Keith popped his head in, softly asking, “You ready?”
Smiling gently, Veronica nodded and said, “Let ‘em in.”
Piling in behind her dad were Mac, Wallace, Shae, Dick, and Matty. They were loaded down with flowers, gift bags, and a stuffed animal or two. Gathering around the bed, the group quieted as Veronica held up her son.
“Say hello to our son Caleb Keith Echolls. Born at 9:26 am. 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 20 inches long. And completely perfect.”
“Oh Veronica,” Shae gushed, “He’s beautiful.”
Coming around to peer closer at the newborn, Wallace leaned in to kiss Veronica’s head and said, “Good work, Superfly.”
Veronica smiled up wearily, but happily at Wallace.
“Caleb?” Matty asked.
Mac responded, “It’s Logan’s middle name.”
“I named him for two of the best men I know,” Veronica added, looking at her dad with love and gratitude.
Dick stood at the foot of Veronica’s bed, observing the baby while everyone exclaimed over Caleb and asked questions. Finally, he said, “He looks just like Logan.”
Veronica looked at Dick, smiling even as tears filled her eyes. “Ya, he really does.”
Day 365
The sun was beginning to rise as Veronica crossed the beach to the water’s edge, Caleb wrapped up warmly, sleeping against her chest in a Moby wrap. The sand was soft and cool under her bare feet. She stopped before reaching the water, knowing how cold the Pacific Ocean was. Her ponytail bobbed in the wind as she watched a few surfers down the beach carrying boards, wetsuits unzipped and hanging off their waists.
She stood there quietly, breathing in the salty air and enjoying the warmth of Caleb’s body, content to watch the world around her.
Today was day 365. Exactly one year ago today she and Logan were married. Exactly one year ago today Logan was killed.
A year ago, Veronica could never have imagined how much her life would change. In spite of the turbulence of her teenage years, her twenties and early thirties had been relatively stable. They could have even been considered staid for awhile, definitely more stable than high school. Then the “Mad Bomber of Neptune” case, literally, blew up her life.
With Logan’s ashes long scattered across the Pacific, Veronica knew there was no place she would rather be today to feel connected to her husband.
“Hi Logan. I just want you to know today’s a really shitty day. I miss you so much.”
Her voice cracked and she paused to take a breath, trying to keep it together.
“I know I’ve already yelled at you several times this last year for leaving me, but I’m not here to do that today. I just wanted to spend some time with our son at one of your favorite spots.
“I want Caleb to understand how much you would’ve loved him. Do love him. And that if you could’ve stayed you would have.”
Veronica swallowed a sob even as tears filled her eyes. Caleb shifted in his sleep and she placed a tender kiss on his sweet smelling head.
“He’s amazing, Logan. Some days I look at him and I can’t believe he’s ours. And others, all I see is you.
“We’re doing okay. I know you know that, but I wanted to tell you anyway. I love you, Logan Caleb Echolls. You were one of the best people to come into my life.”
Wiping away the tears, Veronica looked at her sleeping son and began to tell him the story of the first time she ever met his father, on a Neptune soccer field.