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Jeongguk’s never really had a name for it before. He’s figured out names for other things throughout his teenage years; anxiety replacing nerves and panic attacks explaining chest pains, but this small feeling, the one that’s stuck to him for as long as he can remember, the one that sometimes leaves him feeling vulnerable and well, small, gets its name through a different, perhaps slower, process.
He still doesn’t necessarily think he’s into age play, and definitely knows he’s not into the sexual stuff, but sometimes, out of seemingly nowhere, he just feels little.
He’s obviously done some research, late-night searches of why he’s suddenly sucking his thumb again twenty years after growing out of it and why he sometimes feels the urge to crawl into his closet and curl into the tightest ball in the bottom, ready to hide out until someone gives him a hug.
The results always bring up a mixture of pacifier collars, bedrooms turned into adult nurseries and a lot of diapers and although Jeongguk knows this is okay, is fully accepting of whatever anyone likes or does, it still feels a little too much for him. No matter how many times he looks and no matter how many pages he reads.
He almost always ends up exiting the tabs with anxiety flooding through his veins and falls asleep trying to work out whether this small feeling means he wants all of that and wakes up sucking his thumb again and feeling helpless. Scared.
This cycle means the thoughts are always closed, filed away until he finds the energy or desperation to look at them again. He tries letting out the emotions trapped inside of him by latching onto his friends and tries to feed his need for attention with the small batches of affection he gets from the people around him. Seokjin takes to calling him baby one day and it makes his heart feel so warm that the others notice and start calling him it too.
He lets their hugs and kind words mix in with the thrill of performances at night and somehow manages to forget about it until it hits him with a vengeance one morning after a particularly stressful night, one filled with anxious sweats and nightmares.
He opens his eyes and his muscles hurt, alarm clock ringing in his ear and he immediately knows if he attempts to climb out of bed he's going to cry so he turns the devil tune off and lies back down, squeezing his eyes shut.
Luckily he's only planned to go to the gym today, and nobody else is relying on him to get out of bed but himself. He listens to the dorm but can't hear any noise apart from his own deep breathing. His arms feel weighed down and his head feels like he's floating, he's so stressed out that his skin feels hot to the touch, almost like if he doesn't shake it off then steam will come pouring out of his ears.
Opening his eyes he reaches for his phone again, checking the group kakao chat. He knows most of the members have plans today with friends they don't get to see often, their days off being limited, so there aren't too many messages, just one from Taehyung asking if anyone wants to order in Chinese tonight and another from Jin asking that the last person in the dorm makes sure the air con is turned on so it doesn't get too warm.
Jeongguk pushes his bedding off his legs, cringing as they stick to his sweaty skin. Perhaps the heat isn't just from stress, his room is roasting. He shoves his phone back under his pillow and stands up with a whimper, body and mind both protesting. He feels sluggish and uncoordinated, thoughts too slow yet too fast for him to keep up with.
When he reaches the air-con control he switches it to high and then does a quick check around, finding that his earlier thought was right, he is the only one home. The heavy feeling in his stomach intensifies and he drags himself back to his room, flopping down onto his bed before turning onto his side, pushing his face against his pillow.
Back when he was younger and new to the group, he loved having the dorm to himself. He loved the peace and quiet it brought after spending all of his time surrounded by noise and lights, but now he finds the silence lonely. A few tears leak out and down his cheeks but he doesn't know why, doesn't know how to get rid of this awful itch under his skin.
His thumb makes its way to his mouth without his permission, but once it's there he feels marginally more settled, his breaths puffing out of his nose as he curls his finger over it. He takes a few deep breaths, eyes heavy with damp eyelashes, sight fixed on the wall ahead of him. He lays and breathes until the air cools around him, leaving his damp pajamas cold and uncomfortable.
The feeling eventually makes him cry more, his heart reaching out for comfort but he knows he's alone. His eyes drift to his dresser, imagining the cozy cotton pajamas bt21 has just gifted him, sitting right inside the top draw.
It's hard to stand up again, but he does it, and it's even harder to pull his thumb out of his mouth long enough to switch his damp t-shirt into the soft cooky jumper but once he's dressed he feels lighter than he has all morning. With the little bit of positive energy he's gained he manages to pull his quilt back onto his bed and remake it, fluffing the pillows up and adding a light cotton throw over the top to snuggle under instead of the heavy duvet.
Once everything's rearranged, his laptop gets added to the bundle and Jeongguk finally settles down inside, his heart rate calmer and head feeling still as fuzzy, but less harsh. He climbs under the blanket and opens his laptop, almost automatically loading up netflix, but pausing when he gets to the user page. The little icon for kids seems to blink up at him, and he clicks it. Maybe some cartoons are exactly what he needs.
Somewhere in the back of his head his subconscious pokes at him, reminding him that he's somehow dressed in cooky pajamas with his thumb in his mouth on a kids channel and this could be dangerous but he shuts it down. He just needs some stress relief, and nobody is home to judge him. He just wants to calm down. He sucks his thumb harder, pushing it against his top teeth and chewing lightly, getting slightly lost in the feeling before finding a show to watch, settling on spongebob.
Jeongguk watches for a while but grows bored easily, unsure why. The storyline seems complicated and his brain is somehow struggling to keep up. He goes back to the browse page and feels a little sting that he's doing something strange but clicks on paw patrol anyways, curious to the hype that kids always seem to have about it.
The animations make him laugh, and he cuddles closer to his pillow, pulling it against him, wishing not for the first time that it was a teddy in his arms. Thoughts like that usually make him feel a little guilty, but this time it just makes him sad. Perhaps he can get a teddy bear next time he's out shopping.
His thoughts slowly drift away again and he realises he's drooling a little, thumb hanging half out of his mouth but he pays it no mind, his eyes drifting back to the screen. He watches for a little while longer, until the first episode fades into two and he finds himself humming along to the theme tune. Maybe this is the hype, he wonders slowly, he feels so relaxed right now.
The second episode blinks into three before he knows it, and his eyes are so sleepy. He wraps his free hand around his blanket and worries at the edges with this fingers, the repetitive motion soothing. He would love some calming music right now, he thinks. It's a struggle to get his hand back to his laptop keypad, exiting the cartoon with a little bit of remorse to get to the icon he had fleetingly seen earlier. Nursery rhymes sound very soothing.
They turn out to be perfect, and Jeongguk finds himself humming along around his thumb a few times, a sleepy smile on his face as he remembers singing them as a child, feeling oh so comfortable wrapped in his blanket with the slight rumble of air-con and soft fabric against his legs when he shuffles them around.
For a while, he's certain he floats. His eyes are sort of bleary and he's so tired but also so content, a safe feeling spreading through his chest and to the tips of his toes.
He's not sure when he falls asleep, but when he wakes up there's a camera in his face and Taehyung is shaking, one hand holding his phone and the other pressed over his mouth. When he sees Jeongguk's eyes open, he lets the loud laugher out.
"Nursery rhymes?" He spits in between, and when Jeongguk glances behind him at his open bedroom door, he sees Jimin is also here, standing just inside the room chuckling, looking between the two.
Jeongguk can't help it, he bursts into tears.
For a second Taehyung seems to flounder, still half-laughing before it fades. Jeongguk isn't sure what Jimin is doing, his eyes are full of water and he's on the edge of sobbing. His head feels heavy again, weighed down to the pillow and he can't seem to pull his body up. Real panic sets in, with heavy embarrassment just behind.
Taehyung moves his hands around a little, his confused voice still a little teasing but wary.
"What? Jeongguk I was just teasing, what's wrong?"
His question falls onto deaf ears as a sob finally gets stuck in Jeongguk's throat, and yep, Jeongguk can't breathe and his brain is somewhere too far for his head to find and he just really wants a hug.
He doesn't hear Jin come in, but he does see him when his hyung leans over him with concern in his eyes, hands only hovering over Jeongguk for a split second before hooking under his arms to sit him up, pulling him onto his lap. His lips are moving but Jeongguk doesn't understand nor hear the words. He looks down when his arm seems to get caught, realising his thumb is back in his mouth and Jin is trying to pull it out.
He shakes his head no and tries to move closer while also pulling back from his hyung, wanting that safe feeling back but feeling far from it. His head is all confused and he just needs someone to understand. He shakes his head no again and Jin stops, instead holding him closer and pushing his chin up so Jeongguk has a clear view of him.
Jin exaggerates his breathing while holding eye contact, and it helps Jeonguuk understand what his hyung is telling him to do. Taking a deep breath helps clear the buzzing he hadn't realised was happening in his ears, but his thumb is kind of blocking his air flow. Jin reaches again to softly tap it. His smile is kind and Jeongguk trusts him. He lets his thumb fall and breathes again, looking up at his hyung, who nods.
"That's it honey, you just need to catch your breath"
Jeongguk nods back, letting his head fall down against Jin's shoulder, trying to breathe deeply through his nose but it's a little blocked from the crying and his nap. After a while Jin shuffles to the side and Jeongguk reaches out, panicked. He really doesn't want to be left alone when he feels like this, he just needs someone he can trust and he just wants to be a big boy and-
"It's okay kookie, I'm just getting your nose spray, you sound congested"
He reaches into Jeongguks bedside table and brings out the small bottle, holding Jeongguk's hand steady while he uses it before placing it back in the draw for him. The spray always makes Jeongguk sneeze and his face feel funny but Jin seems to know he wants to be held close even though he's a little restless. It makes Jeongguk feel even smaller and he starts to cry again. He lifts his head up slightly, but nobody else is in the room. He lets himself press his face closer to Jin's neck, who flinches slightly at the tears but doesn't loosen his hold.
"Why are you crying baby?"
The words are soft and are just the amount of comfort Jeongguk craves, no, needs. His tears thicken and Jin begins to rock them both back and forward sightly, helping him calm down. Jeongguk sniffles, turning his face away a little.
"M'embarrased"
He feels more than sees Jin's frown. His hand starts to rub up and down Jeongguks back and his hyung has always been the person he goes to when he feels sad, has always been the person he clings to whenever he feels like he needs affection or just a reassuring word. However, he's not sure if he wants to tell Jin about this yet, doesn't know if he even can. His thoughts feel too weighted to get out of his mouth, his head far away.
"How come?"
It's said softly, but it still startles Jeongguk. He supposes he can let out a small answer, something obvious;
"Tae"
Jin carries on rocking them, his hand soothing and Jeongguk desperately wants to put his thumb back into his mouth but he's too worried about what his hyung might think.
"You're embarrassed Taehyung caught you napping?"
Jeongguk's fears don't disappear; his hyung really doesn't understand what's going on, and he doesn't know if he wants him to. Jin feels his pause.
"You don't have to talk about it baby, but you know you can tell me anything, right?"
The need for his thumb grows too much so Jeongguk stops resisitng, putting it back in his mouth, closing his eyes. Everything just feels a little too much.
He's not sure how much time passes again, he's wrapped cozily in his hyung's arms and must doze for a while, but stirs to the sound of soft conversation.
"Don't wake him, I'm going to stay for a while, maybe through tonight, he was really upset"
The words wash over Jeongguk, dipping into his conscious, but he doesn't want to move. More sounds pass over his head, and at some point he's tipped sideways but the arms around him stay tight, so he doesn't complain.
"He'll be okay, I think he was just really anxious, he'll be more willing to talk tomorrow, tell Tae not to worry too much"
Namjoon looks down at the two of them from the side of the bed, worrying over the dried tear tracks down Jeongguks cheeks.
"Are you sure?"
Jin nods, careful to keep his movement gentle against Jeongguk, whos face is pressed to his chest, hand near his face and mouth open as he breathes deeply, fast asleep.
"Taehyung said something about a joke over nursery rhymes, maybe he was just making fun over some music kook-ah was listening to. They're both overtired, just leave it be for now"
Namjoon nods, leaning over quickly to smooth Jeongguks hair out.
"Okay hyung. I'll check up later on you tonight for dinner, he probably hasn't eaten if he's still in his pajamas."
Jin looks down to the pink fabric tucked over Jeongguk, the pajamas he didn't go to sleep last night wearing, absentmindedly nodding as Namjoon lets himself out of the room. Truthfully, he's not sure what's going on with Jeongguk, but he has his theories on what happened today. He tucks him in closer, smoothing a calming hand down Jeongguks back as he cutely crinkles his nose in his sleep.
He really hopes Jeongguk knows he can tell him anything, but he'll have to see. He can't do anything with just a suspicion, and doesn't want to pressure Jeongguk into confiding in him anyway if he isn't ready to. Either way, he's going to have to make sure his baby knows how much he's loved. Snuggling Jeongguk extra hard tomorrow is going to the top of his to-do list, and maybe some coloring. He's not going to push, but an extra helping hand couldn't hurt, could it?