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A fresh breeze was blowing on your face, sending a nice flowery scent your way and appeasing your inner turmoil. Spring was coming. Spring and its festivals, its flowers, its awakening nature. Your heart should have been light but instead, it was as heavy as it could ever be.
For almost a year, you had been of Vestfolk, the wife of Harald Finehair. Everything had gone perfectly. Your old man (as you liked to call him) was the most thoughtful husband of all: caring, tender, romantic, fierce, sexy and selfless. As wild as he was on the battlefields, he proved himself to be considerate and soft with you.
Today was your birthday and Harald had organized an enormous celebration in your honor with music, games and a huge banquet. Your family was here, even some of the Ragnarssons were here… You felt even slightly embarrassed by all the fuss he was making around this but he had insisted and you had not wanted to deceive him. He was too good to be true…
Tears welled up in your eyes when you thought about all the things he had done for you…. and the nothing you had done for him.
“My love?” You swallowed your tears and turned towards your husband with a weak smile on your face.
Harald was standing in all his glory, wearing a luxurious burgundy tunic and one of his most charming smiles. He knelt down next to you on the damp grass and gave you some bread buttered with honey.
“The thralls saw you leaving this morning. I figured you might be hungry.”
That brought a big smile on your face. You could not do anything without him knowing about it. You were aware that even though he was overprotective, he was still afraid you could leave him behind…. just as all those women did before you. As if It could happen….
You bit in the piece of bread and let out a sigh of contentment. The honey was rich and had a comforting impact on your emotional state. So had the warm and callous hand of your husband rubbing your neck.
When you had finished your little snack, you lay your head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck, humming his musky scent. Your heart clenched in your chest but you had to do it. For him.
“I think we should get a divorce.” There, you said it.
Harald tensed beside you. “Why would you…?”
“You perfectly know why.” You cut him off almost harshly.
“Y/N”. he cupped your cheek. “These things take time, my love.”
You leaned into his hand as a lonely tear rolled down your cheek. “We have been trying since we got married and the only time it took…” Another tear wetted your cheek and Harald kissed it away tenderly.
Oh, he knew… how could he forget the moment he came into his chamber and found you sobbing on your bed, blood dripping thickly between your legs. The following days had been horrible for the two of you. Harald grieved in taking care of his people while you refused to leave your bed.
You knew. You finally knew why the Gods had not blessed you with children. You were the problem, you were the one who could not bear a child and your husband had the right to know such a joy. It ripped your heart in two to picture him with the child of someone else in his arms but you wanted him to be happy above everything else. Above your own happiness.
His mouth peppered your face with kisses. “Don’t you have faith in us?” He said against your lips.
Your forehead gently collided against his. “Harald, you need a legacy. You want a legacy.”
“I want you. I need you”. He cut you off with a kiss on the lips. Two. Three. You softly put your hand on his chest to stop him. Your eyes met.
“You need something else and you will regret it if you don’t get it. We will hate each other in the end and you perfectly know it. You need an heir, my king.”
He closed his eyes, defeated. You were right. He wanted an heir but he did not wish to lose you over it. A life without children was hard to picture but a life without you was even harder.
“Take a second wife, then.” You offered as if you had read his mind.
He frowned and tilted his head on the side. “Would you bear it?”
You gulped and shrugged your shoulders. “I guess…”
Harald leaned backwards and looked at you doubtfully. “You would stand seeing me and another woman getting married, sleeping together, her being round with my baby, the two of us together with a child while you would be alone.”
Each word was a stab in your heart, like a knife piercing your flesh and toying with it. You could not bear it. Of course, you could not. You loved your husband too much for that. Nonetheless, seeing him happy would be enough for you and then, you would wait for the right moment to leave. Once he got his family, he would probably forget about you and a divorce would appear as a salvation.
Harald brusquely let go of you and stood up. “You are lying and you know it.”
You also stood up, letting out a tired sigh. You tried to get close to him but he stubbornly stepped back, refusing your touch. Your heart clenched in your chest. “At least, think about it.”
His shoulders sagged in defeat. “I’ll try... if you promise me to enjoy your birthday festivities.”
That you could do. “I will”. For him. One last time.
The festivities were huge and so much more that you had imagined. Harald had planned games, fights and other numerous activities. The most exquisite food had been cooked, mead was flowing and only laughter could be heard. It was impossible not to enjoy it and laugh along with them.
Your husband remained near you most of the time, silently stroking your cheek or taking your hand to put a soft kiss on your knuckles. These tender gestures always sent butterflies in your stomach but right now, they were also tearing you apart. You would miss him so much.
Your mother took place next to you just as Harald was having a heated conversation with one of his earls.
“Your Harald knows how to honor his wife. Even your father has never arranged such a thing for me.” She smiled fondly. “We took the right decision when we let him marry you.”
How could they had refused, really? Your father was one of Harald’s earls, there was no way he could have denied him everything. He let them have the final word though, just as he let you choose. But the choice was easy for you. You were just as enamored as he was. Even more. You parents had shown some reluctance first since Harald was a little bit too old for you but you would become Queen and you loved him. They caved eventually.
The sight of your pregnant sister broke your train of thoughts. She was entertaining her two older children with her husband. Green envy ran through your veins... Your mother followed your eyes.
“These things take time, Y/N.” Your mother’s voice echoed Harald’s words from earlier.
You closed your eyes. “What if it never comes, mother?”
“Do you know that it took years for your father and I to have your sister? Then you all came along instantly.”
Surprised, you looked at her with narrowed eyes. It was really difficult to believe a mother of seven had trouble getting pregnant.
“I can assure you it is true.” She added, sensing you were doubting her words. “You just need faith”.
You groaned. She was using Harald’s words again. “Faith in what?”
“In yourself, In him. In your couple. I believe this might be a test from the Gods. You must show them your couple can go through this.”
Maybe you could, it was worth a try. Your couple was worth a try. Your mother squeezed your hand in comfort and went in search of your father. Frowning, you realized you should start searching for your own husband since he was nowhere in sight.
You stood up from your throne, you walked through the excited crowd, doing your best to avoid the inebriated people while scanning the room with your eyes in order to find your old man.
You wish you had not. Your King was happily chatting with one of his earls’ daughter. She had her hand on his arm, throwing her head back to laugh and exposing her sweet neck and cleavage to your husband’s eyes. Eyes which admired her soft skin.
You bit back the tears threating to leak from your eyes. You were the one who suggested it so you could not blame him after all. You turned back on your heels and walked back to your seat. You calmly took place on your throne, head held up high, a formal smile on your face.
It lasted all night. They talked, laughed and touched each other all night long. Your husband was openly flirting with another woman instead of celebrating your birthday with you. But you did not fall apart, your smile did not waver until all the guests had left the Great Hall. When Harald was left to talk with two of the Ragnarssons, you took your chance and peacefully walked out of the room.
As soon as you were outside, the tears started flowing, obscuring your view. You stumbled blindly in the empty streets until you reached your favorite hill. Once you had found your spot, you heavily fell down on the grass. Your heart was hammering wildly in your chest and you felt like throwing up.
You tried to calm yourself, inhaling and exhaling deeply to control your erratic breathing. It was something you had to get used to if he chose to take her – or someone else as a second wife. Harder said than done, though. Flashbacks of Harald and this girl were invading your brain… and it hurt. A lot. He would be happy….
You would do anything for him to be happy, even if it meant suffering and loneliness. Yes, you could that. For him.
Your tears had ceased, your breathing was back to normal, you were ready to face your husband and his choice. For him.
“I knew I would find you here.”
The deep voice of your husband warmed your breaking heart. “I find it quite peaceful.”
He came closer and bent over, grazing your cheeks with the tips of his fingers. “You did not like the festivities?”
“I loved everything. It was a wonderful day. Thank you.” You answered softly, leaning into his touch. You were amazed by the fact that your voice did not betray you for one second.
“I don’t want a divorce.” A shaky breath escaped your lips and you closed your eyes. When you opened them again, you noticed your husband had knelt down beside you. His deep gentle blue eyes were watching you. For him.
“I suppose you found Knut’s daughter very charming”.
“You saw us?” You simply nodded. You suddenly felt too vulnerable to speak.
“How did you feel?” You frowned at his words.
“I don’t understand….”
“What did it make you feel when you saw us laughing, talking, me watching her….?”
Why was he saying this? It felt really out of character? Unless…
“Did you plan this?”
Harald smiled. He SMILED. “You always told me I was good at pretending. Why not use it to my advantage?”
You could not stop your hand and only realized what you had done when you notice your hand prints on your husband’s cheek. You abruptly stood up.
“Why on Earth would you plan something like that?” Sadness had deserted your heart to be replaced by anger. He really thought this was a game… or a test maybe?
Harald smiled again and that made your skin crawl. “You claimed this morning you had no problem with me getting a second wife. I just wanted to prove you were lying.”
“Congratulations.” You clapped your hands in front of his face. “Thanks to you, we know which option to choose now. Let’s get a divorce.”
You furiously turned around to go back to your chamber, ready to cry your eyes out during the night. A tug on your heavy skirt stopped you in your tracks and your felt yourself being pulled against the firm chest of your Viking husband. You tried to free yourself instantly but his grip tightened around your waist.
“Y/N... stop!” You refused to listen to him and kept fidgeting in his arms. “Don’t you get why I did this?”
No, you did not. He was acting as if he was making fun of your situation. How dare he! You desperately tried to escape his embrace, kicking your legs in the air. Harald almost lost his balance and forced you to sit back down on the grass with him.
“Y/N, I love you.” He whispered against your cheek. “I wanted to show you how hard it would be for you to be without me… just as much as it would be for me to be without you. I don’t care about children. I. Want. You.” He punctuated each word with a kiss on your neck that made you tear up.
“You say that now but you’ll regret it later.” Tears were rolling down your cheeks again. “When you look at my sister, don’t you wish it was me carrying a…” Your last word got lost in a sob and you finally let yourself being comforted by your husband. You buried your head in his neck. His strong arms embraced your body and he gently rocked back and forth as several whimpers of despair escaped your mouth.
You did not know how much time it took but your sobs finally subsided. You raised your head from your husband’s neck and Harald tilted your chin up. His calloused fingers traced the lines of your face in the softest of touches.
“I tried to find love and I failed numerous times. Then, I decided to let my fate in the hands of the Gods. If I was worthy of it, they would find me a woman who would love me unconditionally as much as I would love her. And they brought you to me.”
You knew this story by heart. He had told it so many times… you tried to open your mouth but he would not hear any of it and ordered you to stay silent with one look.
“I would not trade you for anything... even for a legacy. I’d be happy as long as you live and reign next to me. I do not wish to talk about a divorce or this second wife nonsense anymore.” His eyes reflected a sudden sadness. “Unless I’m not enough for you.”
You grabbed his fingers on your cheek and kissed them, your eyes filled with tears.
“Of course, you are enough. More than enough.”
A smile stretched his lips. “Then, do we agree?”
You nodded fervently and smoother your lips over his, sealing your deal.
“Happy birthday, my love.” Harald murmured against your lips before taking them in a sweet and tender kiss.
He was right. You would be happy as long as he was next to you. The two of you would laugh, love, scream or cry but you would do it together… with or without a child. You were seeing his point now. You were understanding your mother’s words now. You had faith; faith in yourself, faith in your husband, faith in your couple, faith in the Gods. You would let your fate in their hands as your husband had done before. They would decide if a child would bring joy into your home or not, and you would be fine with their decision.
Looking at Harald’s beautiful face in the moonlight, you realized that he was the only one you truly needed in your life. He was enough for you. You were enough for him. Your love was enough, more than enough.