Work Text:
FRI 08/16, 06:37PM
Bruce: Papers all graded, guess it's time to party...
Bruce: I'm leaving campus soon, meet you there?
07:04PM
Bruce: Tony?
07:43PM
Bruce: You have to come. We promised Steve.
Tony: ngh
Bruce: If you don't it just looks like you're still bitter about the whole thing.
Tony: I AM still bitter about the whole thing
Tony: My ex is marrying my ex I am allowed to be bitter
Bruce: I survived Nat's birthday party so you can do this.
Tony: I'm going to stay at home and watch Star Wars til I pass out
Bruce: You're really going to leave me at a bar on my own, trying to make small talk with Steve?
Bruce: Or maybe someone will take advantage of a poor, shy physics tutor, alone at the bar...
Tony: you wish
Tony: it's going to be a shitshow and you know it. Bucky's coming so you know someone's going to get arrested
Tony: you know what? I think I have a fever coming on
Tony: yep, definitely a fever. I can't go, what a shame
Bruce: If you come I'll buy the first round
Bruce: We'll sit at the bar and laugh at how lame everyone else is. And debate Star Wars, obviously.
Tony: fiiine
Tony: but I'm leaving as soon as possible
08:12PM
Tony: Bruuuuce
Tony: Brucie Doo
Tony: Where are youuu
Bruce: I'm nearly there
Bruce: Wow this club looks shitty. I think I'm in the right place...?
Tony: it's the club where they met
Tony: Steve saved Pepper from being mugged then she went to buy him a drink
Bruce: classy.
Tony: I know this because Steve just told me and I had to CONGRATULATE MY EX FOR BONING MY EX
Tony: Bruce I stg hurry up
Tony: Why do all my exes get together? it's like being back at college
Bruce: You should call it the Stark Curse.
Tony: It is though
Tony: Everyone I fuck breaks up with me, then they fuck each other
Bruce: We fucked once, and I haven't hooked up with any of your exes.
Tony: That's cuz you know it doesn't get any better than this ;)
Bruce: Or you have an odd number of exes.
Tony: :(
Bruce: Alright, I'm here.
Tony: I'm at the bar and Steve looks like he wants to talk to me again
Tony: RESCUE ME
09:14PM
Tony sent a photo
Tony: I found the one person who wants to be here less than we do
Bruce: Poor guy. What's Steve saying to him?
Tony: I think he's trying to debate the causes of the civil war
Tony: i used to find it sexy when he went full history teacher on me. Now it's just annoying
Bruce: He looks familiar...
Tony: Must be one of Pepper's friends. Steve doesn't have friends that hot
Tony: HE JUST SAID "STEVE IF I GAVE ANY LESS OF A SHIT I'D BE ASLEEP"
Tony: who is this man and how did he get dragged to Steve's shitty bar crawl, he's way too cool to be here
Bruce: He teaches at our place, some weird branch of metaphysics. He's a bit of a dick actually
Bruce: You'd like him. His name's Simon Odd or something like that.
Tony: I want to buy him a drink... but I don't want to interrupt this delicious steve roast
Tony: What drinks we getting again?
Bruce: 2 strawberry vodkas. Actually make it 4. Maybe this night will suck less if we're drunk.
Tony: that's my boy.
09:23PM
Bruce: Steve says we're moving bars, you coming?
Tony: if it means more booze hell y e s
10:21PM
Bruce: Has Thor left the bathroom yet?
Tony: Thors here?
Bruce: Yeah he arrived late.
Tony: Nat's friend, the underwear model?
Bruce: He's not just a model, he's a lifeguard. And he volunteers at an animal rescue shelter
Bruce: And I'm serious, is he gone? I'm hiding in the stall
Tony: size dont matter it's what you do with it ;)
Bruce: Tony.
Tony: Yeah he's currently comparing muscles with Clint. You have weird taste
Bruce: Must have if I hooked up with you.
Tony: ouch
Tony: Should have just got down on your knees, he'd definitely notice you then
Bruce: I don't even know what to say to him. I'm not drunk enough to deal with this.
Tony: I can fix that...
10:42PM
Tony: Yeah we get it your life is great
Tony: remember when Steve used to be cool? christ
Tony: If he says "stoked" one more time I'm gonna punch his perfect teeth down his throat
Bruce: Drinking game?
Tony: y E S
11:04PM
Tony: I'm drunkk
Tony: I may have found mr handsone goatee again
Tony: he's into sme weirdass branch of pyshsciscs
Tony: i hatehim
Tony: butI love him
Bruce: Isn't he basically you but if you watched too much Harry Potter?
Tony: I wanna put h is goatee on my goathee and see if they match up
Bruce: Tony no
11:32PM
Bruce: We're moving bars again before they throw Clint out. Where are you?
Bruce: Are you throwing up in the bathroom?
Bruce: Okay, I found you in the bathroom but I'm going to pretend I didn't see any of that.
Bruce: I'm glad you made a new friend. I'm going to the next bar.
Bruce: ...Could you at least lock the cubicle next time?
SAT 08/17, 12:25AM
Tony: where the fuck are you guys?
Bruce: We're at the Smirking Lime. If you can still walk over here?
Tony: smartass
Bruce: Clint went crazy with a bottle of silly string so just follow that.
Bruce: Please hurry I'm getting drunk and depressed and I just want to talk about physics with someone.
Bruce: Clint and Bucky are wrestling, Steve's pretty out of it and Thor keeps trying to kiss people
Tony: If you don't tap that by the end of the night i'll be mad
Tony: Stephen agrees with me and he hasn't even met you
01:10AM
Tony: Smirking Lime my ass, you're not here now. I see a broken window, was that you guys?
Bruce: That was Bucky. We scattered. Lost Steve, I'm stuck with Bucky and Clint!
Bruce: Oh fuck we're in a strip club.
Tony: lol
Bruce: Clint is trying to buy us all lap dances
Bruce: I'm going home. I can't do this.
Bruce: Shit I'm out of cash.
Tony: I'm on my way. hang in there Brucie
01:23AM
Tony: They wouldn'tlet me in cuz I'm too handsome and slightlu drunk but I'm outside
Tony: Bruce
Tony: I'm sending Stephen in there.try not to debate physics until ur out
Bruce: thanks but I'm not there. I ran.
Bruce: Now I'm drunk and lost
Bruce: Running with a boner really hurts.
Tony: gdi Bruce we can't BOTH be the hot mess
Tony: designated hot mess lol
Tony: I need directions buddy how do I find you
Bruce: i don't know but it's noisy and crowded and there's bachelor parties everywhere
Bruce: We should have stayed at the apartment and watched Star Wars.
Tony: stop mssgng and answer ur phone!
01:32AM
2 missed voice calls from Tony
Tony: Bruuuxe
Tony: Bruice
Tony: Brc
4 missed voice calls from Tony
Tony: Where tf are you
02:12AM
Tony: oh great guess who i found.
Tony: ok me ane STEVE are teaming up to find you. That's how worried i am right now
Tony: steve to the left of me stephen to the right lol
Tony: oh boy if i was drunk enougj who knows at this point
6 missed calls from Tony
Tony: BRUCE omg wbere are you wtf
04:11AM
Bruce: imok
Tony: what. The fuck.
Tony: WHERE ARE YOU
Bruce: club
Tony: you gotta do better than that
Tony: I got so worried I'm fucking almost sober
Bruce: danxjngirunr
Tony: jfc
Bruce: hi this is thor, we're in a club called the dancing prune. Bruce is fine :)
Tony: Kick his ass for me will you
Tony: oh and leave your number somewhere on his person
04:32AM
Tony: where ru
Tony: Wait are you at the front? Is that you??
Tony: you didn't tell me this was a karaoke bar lol
Tony: I'm still mad at you but I'm transfixed by your duet
Tony: where did Thors shirt go
Tony: wow guys get a room
Tony sent a video
Tony: something to play at your wedding when you marry Thors horny ass
Tony: or for your students on Monday morning
Tony: good blackmail material
Tony sent a video
Tony sent a video
Tony: Dr Bruce Banner, singing It's Raining Men and KNOWING ALL THE WORDS whilst leaning against a topless underwear model
Tony: this is definitely the gayest thing I've ever seen you do
Tony: and that includes fucking me
Tony: man I'm tired
Tony: Fuckit I wanna sing
Tony: Ok after this Steve's driving our drunk asses home
Tony: You are the cutest drunk to ever drunk
Tony: ily
02:12PM
Bruce: How did I get home?
Tony: Steve. You're fckn welcome
Bruce: The last thing I remember is lap dancers...
Bruce: Why is Thor in my bed?
Tony: you seduced him with your karaoke skills
Tony: I think Steve put us all to bed. We all just passed out wherever
Tony: How was your sexy underwear model? Hope he's not just a pretty face ;)
Bruce: We're both fully dressed. But I woke up being spooned so there's that.
Bruce: Someone is singing in the shower and it's definitely not you .
Tony: I may have brought Stephen home with me for a sloppy round 2 :P
Bruce: Nice. So did you both snark at each other at the same time or take it in turns?
Tony: I think I'm in love
Tony: No sign of life from Thor?
Bruce: Stirring a bit..I'm in no rush.
Tony: Who's gonna do the walk of shame first
Tony: Or fuck it let's just all go get breakfast together
Bruce: I'm down
Bruce: give me fifteen minutes
Tony: Yea
Bruce: make it twenty
Tony: I guess this is brunch really. What are you feeling, pancakes? Burgers?
Tony: Just promise you won't talk shop with Stephen. You'd hate his take on physics
Tony: You asleep?
Tony: Oh. Never mind.
Tony: Wow you're a vocal consumator. Guess I'm next in the shower then
Tony: ...
Tony: After breakfast we're watching Star Wars and laughing at the Bad Science in it
02:35PM
Bruce: We'll be down in a minute
Bruce: And in answer to your earlier question, pancakes?
Tony: Let's eat some goddam pancakes <3
Bruce: <3