Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jeno thinks sometimes he must be a bit of a masochist.

Renjun tells him that he's stupid and he doesn't know how to leave something behind. Donghyuck just attempts to get him drunk because he doesn't know how to be kind when there's something burning at the back of his tongue to get out, and they both know that whatever he has to say, Jeno doesn't want to hear.

Jeno thinks he must be a masochist, really. Why else would he let someone hurt him over and over again only to keep going back? It can't be the money, Jeno’s not that vapid. It can't be the nice clothes and the sense of financial security he has after so long. It can't be the trips he gets taken on, sometimes on a whim. (Jeno flashes back to a midnight plane trip to Paris, waking up to the warm sunshine in another country, spending the whole day holding someone's hand as he walked the streets in the City of Love, champagne at the top of the Eiffel tower, looking over and suddenly realizing -)

As Renjun so often likes to say in the midst of his Aliens Must Be Real rants, once you remove the impossible, whatever remains has to be the truth. Jeno likes to think he's truthful with himself but this is one truth he has no interest in facing, because if he does, there only lies the question of what he has to do about it. And that is a path he really, really doesn't want to travel down.

Whatever remains must be the truth.

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, about to keel over from sneezing in the middle of a cat cafe in Myeongdong, Seoul, halfway into a rapidly melting iced mocha, with a large black cat napping on his thighs, Jeno's brain kicks itself into gear and delivers the very unpleasant truth he'd been hiding from himself for months.

Why does he keep going back?

Well-

💎

"I hate Mark Lee," Jeno pronounces, slumping over onto the table, turning his cheek so that the icy table top cools his heated skin. "I hateee him."

"No, you don't," Donghyuck snorts, pouring him another shot of soju and sliding it in his direction. "You want to suck his dick and tell him how much you love him."

"Stop giving him drinks," Renjun protests, as Jeno lets out a sad whine and picks his head up just far enough off the table so he can down the shot before sliding back down to resume his previous position.

"I don't love him," Jeno says fuzzily. "I just - I-" he stares down at his lap, trying to remember where the cat had gone before remembering he's in a bar and that the cat cafe was about ten miles to his west now and probably closed with all the cats fast asleep. Jeno sighs, feeling his eyes well up. "I want a cat," he says sadly.

Donghyuck makes a noise of disgust. "Jesus fuck, he's in his cat phase."

"I told you to stop feeding him shots," Renjun snaps back. "I'm not carrying him home."

"You wouldn't be able to either way," Donghyuck snipes back, and Jeno wonders at the injustice in the world that two prickly cactuses could find love in each other and he's still morbidly single. For whatever definition of ‘single’ his life is.

"Did he just call us cacti?" Renjun asks and Donghyuck snorts.

"Go pay the bill, I'll get him up."

Jeno kind of blacks out after that, which he's told is a good thing by a mildly sheepish Donghyuck the next morning as he nurses the giant bump on Jeno's head - from an unfortunate incident of Jeno's head meeting the door jamb and Donghyuck being tipsy enough to not steer him out of the way.

He wakes up with a wicked hangover and a text from the source of all his misery and confusion.

mark hyung

Hey, are you free?

You

yep whats up hyung

mark hyung

Got an early lunch thing today.

Could use you there?

Jeno sighs and considers his mental and stomach strength. When he's certain he won't hurl all over Mark's important corporate friends, he messages back a confirmation and hauls himself out of bed, every single muscle protesting at the movement, to get himself presentable.

When he exits the room, dressed in head to toe designer clothes, all courtesy of Mark's black card currently burning a hole in his wallet, he finds Jisung in the kitchen, slowly poking at runny eggs, a dubious look on his small face.

"Slowly!" Renjun yells. "Don't turn the heat up so high - that's how you burnt the last batch."

Jisung's pout extends further out and Jeno considers cooing at him before deciding it would take too much energy and instead scooting past them to the coffee pot.

"He lives," Renjun greets, amused. "How's your head?"

"I'll live," Jeno grunts. "Thanks for bringing me back. Did you stay over?"

Renjun nods. "Donghyuck's getting more eggs," he jerks his thumb at Jisung. "This one wanted to learn how to make eggs and used up all the ones in the fridge."

"I'm getting somewhere," Jisung protests.

"You're really not," Jeno says, staring down at the pan as his stomach rumbles in warning. He pulls back before the sight - and smell - can bring up his nausea again. The door to their apartment slams open and Jeno groans when it echoes in his head a hundred times over.

"I got more eggs," Donghyuck announces, slamming down a new carton with no regard for Jeno's poor brain and surveys him from head to toe, lips pursed. "You're all dressed up."

"No thanks to you," Jeno pouts, rubbing the back of his head where a lump sits.

"I got you home, didn't I?" Donghyuck asks. "Be nice to me or you won't get any eggs."

Jeno casts a dubious look at the yellow liquid in the pan, only a quarter of the way solidified, and then glances up to Jisung's face who looks no more confident in his cooking skills than he did a few moments ago. "Yeah, I'll have to pass," he says, downing the last of his coffee and checking his phone. "I've got a lunch thing with Mark."

Renjun raises an eyebrow at him. "Are you going to tell him you love him?"

"You love him?" Jisung yelps, turning around to stare at Jeno and in his hurry, almost knocking the pan over on the stove. Donghyuck makes a noise that sounds like an angry cat and nudges him out of the way to get at the eggs. Jisung gives up the spatula with a relieved look on his face before turning back to Jeno. "Hyung? You're in love with him?"

"I'm not!" Jeno says defensively. "I just-"

"He wants to adopt a hundred cats and live in Paris with Mark," Donghyuck says acerbically, poking at the eggs with a spatula.

Jeno flushes. He needs to stop getting drunk with Donghyuck. Donghyuck is far too good at pulling out all his most shameful thoughts and Drunk Jeno has no filter whatsoever. "I don't," he tries, but Renjun levels him with a look.

"You know, it's not going to turn out the way you want it to right?" He asks, and it falls like an anvil in the middle of the kitchen. Jisung winces and presses back towards Donghyuck who doesn't turn around, still trying to fix the eggs. "You're just a distraction to him. It's a business transaction."

"Jun-ah-" Donghyuck starts, a warning note in his tone, but Jeno cuts him off.

"I know," he says, trying to sound as unaffected as possible. Renjun is harsh and outright and Jeno tries not to resent him for telling Jeno the truth he so badly needs to hear. "I - I know."

Renjun's gaze softens. "I'm only telling you this because I don't want you to get hurt. You know that right?"

Too late, Jeno thinks to himself.

💎

It would have been nice if meeting Mark Lee had been a touch of fate, a sign from the universe saying here you go, here's something that's nice and it's only for you.

It would have been nice if Jeno had bumped into Mark at a coffee shop like they do in the movies and had charmed him enough in that short encounter that Mark would have been compelled to chase after him - this was usually the point in Jeno's daydreams that he knew it was getting ridiculous, because Mark Lee never missed a meeting for anything, let alone for Lee Jeno - and give him his phone number, a bright eager look in those wide eyes.

It would have been nice. It would have been easier on Jeno's brain, to know that no matter what kind of a farce his relationship was, it had started with good intentions.

However, reality is never as good as sepia-tinged daydreams one can conjure up in their head, and in this situation, reality was perhaps far more gritty than Jeno would have liked.

Meeting Mark Lee was not a matter of fate as much it was one Lee Donghyuck who had pushed his phone over to Jeno in the midst of the worst midterms season of his life and had told him in no uncertain terms that he was going to die if he continued with his Three Jobs and Ramen Lifestyle. And like making a deal with the devil - and with as much trepidation - Jeno had signed himself up in the luridly pink and white app marking himself as a sugar baby.

(He still hates that term.)

In the cursory look-over of Mark Lee's profile - rather bare when compared to the others which were mostly horrifying pictures of middle-aged men trying to take selfies like they were thirty years younger and vomit-inducing phrases like I’ll spoil you good baby that Jeno had quickly backed out of - Jeno had learned three things about Mark Lee. One, was that he had attended college at Yonsei University, and according to an interview in KoreaNow, had done his senior thesis on the decrease in corporate ethics and the subsequent increase in fraud. Jeno had scrolled down the website, eyebrows rising higher with every line he read, until he had come to the photoshoot splashed across the bottom. The second thing he learned was that Mark Lee photographs incredibly well. Jeno had felt a sharp thrill run down his back at the sight of Mark spread over an ornate armchair, eyebrows tilted almost mockingly at the camera. The third thing he had learned was that Mark Lee had the most piercing pair of eyes Jeno had ever seen. Even glaring up at Jeno through a computer screen hadn't diluted their effect and it had left Jeno shivering a little before he had closed out of the window and had stared at his screensaver - a picture of Seollie - lost in thought.

Faced with his rapidly dwindling bank account and the four tests he'd had coming up, it had taken Jeno less than a week to make the decision.

A year and a half later, it's still a toss up as to whether he regrets it or not.

💎

Mark slumps back into the leather of the car as they pull away from the curb, an exasperated sigh escaping him with such force, Jeno was certain he’d been holding it in all afternoon.

"Well, that was a shitshow."

Jeno laughs, looking up from his phone where Jisung had been bombarding him with proof pictures of perfect scrambled eggs, happy stickers jumping all over the screen. "It could have been a lot worse," he says, remembering many lunches where tempers were lost and mimosas thrown. For a bunch of stuffy conservative corporate sharks, they could be surprisingly dramatic when riled up.

"It could have been," Mark agrees. "But that doesn't mean this was any better." He groans, loosening his tie before tipping his head sideways to look at Jeno. "Thank you for coming."

Jeno tries to stop his heart from fluttering. Mark has popped open the top buttons on his shirt and his collarbones peek out at Jeno at the angle he's slumped. "You're welcome, hyung," he says lightly instead of trying to convince Mark that sucking his dick in the backseat of his disgustingly expensive Rolls Royce with his driver less than two feet away was a good idea.

"How's your thesis going?"

Jeno can't help the groan that leaves his mouth at the mention of his graduate thesis. He'd been a fool to go back to graduate school after finishing his bachelor's. All it had cost him was more stress and more debt - or well it had. "Let's not talk about it, hyung," he sighs, slumping back onto the seat in much the same fashion Mark has. "I don't want to think about fluid dynamics, let alone discuss it with you."

Mark doesn't take offense, just laughs. "Well then, in that case, I'm guessing you have the rest of the afternoon off?"

Jeno picks his head up to narrow a suspicious gaze at him. "Why?"

Mark's grin widens.

💎

Perhaps Jeno would have believed in fate if he and Mark had clicked on the very first meeting. But as the universe quite liked to keep reminding Lee Jeno, there was not much in this world he wouldn't have to fight tooth and nail for.

Their first meeting had been horribly awkward, almost unbearably so.

The first thing Jeno had learned about Mark Lee was that he was taller than Jeno, only by a few fractions of an inch, but it was enough that Jeno noticed the difference straight away. The second thing he had learned was that Mark Lee looked as good in a suit in real life as he did in a magazine spread - the way that crisp white button down had settled around his shoulders had been positively sinful and Jeno remembered pinching his thigh discreetly under the table to get himself to stop staring at the stretch of Mark’s chest against the fabric. The third was that Mark Lee is probably the most awkward potential sugar daddy to ever exist. The last point had not been entirely well supplemented by research and hard data, given that Jeno at that point had only met one potential sugar daddy in his life, but looking back on it now, he still stands by that assessment.

It had taken weeks, months on months, for them to get closer, to get the point that they are now. To the point where Mark is slamming Jeno up against his front door, his mouth crushed in an almost painful way against Jeno's, and all Jeno does is choke out a breathless whine, his fingers digging into the space between Mark's ribs as Mark rips away to hastily key in his pass code and then they're tripping through Mark's apartment - an unholy penthouse in the middle of Seoul's most expensive neighborhood full of furniture Mark hadn't picked out and art he didn't care about - until Jeno's landing on Mark's bed, out of breath and already half hard.

"Hyung," Jeno says, already reaching for him, because while he's far more repressed in his everyday life, he's shamelessly needy in bed, and what's worse is that he knows Mark likes it. Mark likes having Jeno outwardly want him and Jeno likes that he likes it. Though, they never say these things out loud - because if it's spoken then it becomes too real and then where does their plausible deniability go? - so Jeno could be making it all up in his head out of a twisted kind of desperation.

Mark crawls over him, eyes intent and dark, and Jeno wants to close his eyes against his strong gaze for fear of Mark looking at him for a beat too long and realising exactly what secrets Jeno holds. He kisses him instead, hand curling into Mark's hair and holding him there as Mark divests them both of their clothes.

If someone had told Jeno before his first meeting with Mark that almost a year and a half later he'd be under him, half out of his mind in bliss, a hand braced up against the headboard to brace himself as Mark fucked him hard enough to make him slide up the sheets with every thrust, Jeno would have probably laughed very awkwardly and run away for fear of being kidnapped and murdered by that stranger.

He's so lost in his thoughts, muddled as they are from the way Mark's drilling into him, that he doesn't notice Mark slowing down, looking at him, until he feels Mark's hand come up to cup his cheek, tender in a way he never usually is towards Jeno.

"Hey, where'd you go in your head?" Mark asks, eyes flicking over Jeno's face, worry forming in the crinkles left behind by the force of his daily smiles. He cracks a faint grin, teasing. "Am I not being alluring enough?"

Jeno blinks up at him, coming back to the present in full force. "No, sorry -" he says, before cutting himself off. He tends to ramble when he gets nervous and there is no dearth of secrets he could spill to Mark - which at this point in time would be horrifying. "I'm here, I was just thinking about something."

The worry only increases. "We can always stop," Mark says, going to draw out but Jeno lets out a sound he'll flush over later and wraps his legs around the small of Mark's back.

"Don't stop," he says, pleads, because god forbid he have any pride left when it comes to Mark Lee. "Hyung, you can't leave me like this."

He knows this is Mark's weakness. When Jeno looks wrecked enough to devour, when he calls Mark 'hyung' in that breathless voice, when he's desperate enough to beg. It works every time, and Jeno would be proud of himself for being discerning enough to find a boy's weaknesses and use them for his own gain, if it didn't conjure a sour taste in his mouth every time he does so because he knows if it had been in any other circumstance, if he and Mark hadn't met the way they had, it wouldn't have had any effect on Mark. He wouldn't have had any effect on Mark.

It works every time, and this time is no different. Jeno's heart skips far too many beats to be healthy as Mark's worry fades away, as his eyes darken and he lowers his head, bangs falling in his face, close to Jeno's. "Want me to fuck you?" He asks, sweetly, so sweet it hurts Jeno a little to hear.

"Please," he whispers, staring up at Mark and it strikes Jeno then that if it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have looked them in the eyes for so long as he fucked them. But Mark isn't anything like the rushed one night stands he used to have when he was at the worst part in his undergraduate career. Mark has lasted longer than any blurry faced stranger has and that means he's past the rigid set of rules Jeno used to live by.

Mark looks at him for a second longer as if trying to parse out all the things Jeno isn’t saying but Jeno just looks back at him, firm in his request. Finally, Mark leans down to kiss him, soft and shallow and god so fucking sweet it hurts Jeno, before he pulls back to adjust his grip on Jeno’s thighs before pressing back into him.

"God, you're so good for me, Jeno-yah," Mark mutters, slowly starting up the rhythm again, his fingers wrenching in the sheets by Jeno’s head. "Always so good."

Jeno can't help the stuttered moan that escapes him, as Mark snaps his hips so hard he sees stars sparking through his vision. "Hyung," he gasps, voice shattering halfway through the word, hand fisting up against the headboard in an effort to keep from slamming up against it. Mark hums in answer, hand curling an iron grip around Jeno's hipbone, digging in hard enough that Jeno knows with a gut curling certainty there'll be bruises in the shape of his fingers there the next day, as he fucks Jeno harder.

Jeno kind of loses the ability to think after that because Mark is hitting his prostate dead on with every thrust and Jeno's pretty sure he's chanting Mark's name again and again as his muscles curl up, tense in burning heat and -

When Jeno comes to, panting and dazed, Mark is chasing his orgasm, hips still slamming into Jeno's and Jeno has just enough remaining mental acuity to tighten up, hand sliding down Mark's chest teasingly as he does, thumbing at his nipple, and is fuzzily pleased when Mark comes, muffling his groan in Jeno's collarbone.

Jeno waits until Mark has disappeared into the bathroom for a clean towel to take a deep breath, holds it for a count of ten, and then slowly lets it out, biting his lip when it comes out shuddered and thready, almost a prelude to a sob.

💎

Their first time had gone nothing like this. Well, it hadn't been their first time exactly, it had been many more times after that, but it has a specific milestone in Jeno's head because of the way it played out, because of the way it forced a certain measure of trust into his and Mark's relationship that hadn't existed before.

It had taken months, literal weeks upon weeks for Mark to finally cross that line from companionship - though Jeno still wonders if it could be called that if he was being paid obscene amounts of money to do so - to kissing Jeno for the first time. It had taken months of Jeno dredging up all the elementary level flirting skills he had, of Jeno letting Mark take him out to restaurants only to order the creamiest foods and lick them slowly off his lips - Donghyuck's advice, given while Jisung flushed the colour of cherries beside him - of him sleepily parading around Mark's apartment in Mark's office shirts - and it was that instance that had finally gotten Mark to break. Had caused him to slam Jeno up against the nearest surface and kiss him - but only after asking Jeno multiple times if he was okay with it, to which Jeno had groaned and grabbed him, licking into his mouth the way he'd wanted to do forever.

But that Milestone Time, that had been nowhere close to the easiness that they have today and Jeno always flushes in embarrassment when he thinks about it.

Mark had texted him, excited in a way he rarely was over text, about trying out a new thing with Jeno, and Jeno, after being forced through much joint research, had agreed.

It had started out much the same way that all their times fucking had, with Mark pressing Jeno gently down on his soft sheets, and pressing a kiss to the inside of his wrist, causing Jeno to flush in embarrassment. But this time was different in that Mark had slid on a silk blindfold over Jeno's eyes, thumb rubbing soothingly distracting circles around his waist as he waited for Jeno to settle down.

“Remember your safeword?” Mark rumbled, quiet and commanding, that same tone Jeno had heard him use with coworkers who'd stepped out of line, and Jeno nodded. Already he could feel his other senses heightening, could feel every brush of Mark’s skin against his own more keenly than before. “Use your words,” Mark reminded him, hand fluttering up Jeno's side.

“It’s apple,” Jeno had mumbled, eyelids fluttering open to check Mark’s expression before realising he was completely blind now. It had stirred something in his chest, something not entirely pleasant but he had brushed it off, letting the anticipation building instead.

“Okay,” Mark whispered and his weight disappeared off Jeno’s thighs, the bed creaking as he got off. “Anytime you want to stop, we stop. Don’t push yourself.”

“I know,” Jeno said and he could feel Mark’s hand run down his thigh soothingly. Goosebumps sprung up in the track left by his touch.

“Okay,” Mark said again, but there’s something different in his voice this time. Something harder and unyielding. Something that made Jeno’s stomach twist deliciously, made him want to drop to his knees in front of Mark, open and wanting. God, how the fuck was he ever supposed to accompany Mark to another one of his stuffy lunch meetings again. One word from Mark in this tone and Jeno would immediately find himself faced with a half boner. “Put your hands above your head and don’t move them.”

Jeno moved obediently. This is something he understood. They’ve played with immobilization before, and Jeno’s found he likes it - likes the feeling of being held down, being completely at the other’s mercy, but having to hold himself still was going to be a challenge. He jumped when Mark’s hands smoothed over his thighs again, thumbs stroking in circles as he leaned back down over Jeno, running them up to his stomach, tracing out the curves and planes of his body.

“You’re incredible,” Mark breathed, and Jeno felt the blood rush to his cheeks. He squirmed for a second, hands twitching where they lay.

When Mark kissed him, it was a surprise. Jeno hadn’t realised how close he was until his lips brushed against Jeno’s, soft and delicate, almost teasing. Jeno’s own lips parted in a quiet gasp and he instinctively arched his head up, pressing back into Mark’s mouth. Mark’s hands slowly traced up his sides, still kissing him, and Jeno marveled at how intense such a simple motion could feel so intense.

“Hyung,” Jeno whimpered. He felt like he was about to vibrate out of his skin and they hadn't even done anything yet. “Please.”

“Please what?” Mark mumbled against his mouth, and Jeno could feel his smile spread slowly wide. It made him shiver more than anything else. That Jeno could be lying here, so exposed, and Mark could smile, as if nothing was wrong, as if Jeno wasn’t about to vibrate out of his skin.

“Please do something,” Jeno begged. “Do anything.”

Mark hummed, pulling away, and when Jeno tried to follow him, he placed a hand on Jeno’s chest, gently pushing him back. “Stay down,” he'd ordered softly, and it had made goosebumps break out over Jeno's skin. He couldn’t help but make a noise when he felt Mark’s hands leave him entirely. It felt too much all of a sudden, feeling his body exposed to the air without Mark’s hands grounding him. Felt far too vulnerable for comfort. His skin suddenly felt too tight to contain his body and a wave of heat rushed over him. Under the blindfold, Jeno slammed his eyes shut, taking a shaky breath. He should have probably stopped at that point, should have realised the signals his body was screaming at him. But he didn't. Because Jeno was a lot of things and that included being a people-pleaser, and there was no one who had brought out that instinct more intensely than Mark Lee had.

“Hyung,” Jeno gasped when he felt something cold and slick- Mark’s hand, coated in lube - wrap around his cock, stroking slowly. Jeno squirmed, thighs tensing, and Mark’s other hand had come down hard, holding him down. A curl of pleasure had ribboned its way up Jeno's rib cage, twining into his lungs, making it hard to breathe.

“You told me to do something, I’m doing something,” Mark murmured, and Jeno could hear the smile in his voice.

Jeno let out another desperate noise when Mark's hand tightened a little, twisting on the upstroke. The heat rushed down his body again and he could feel his breath cut out. “Hyung,” he gasped again but Mark’s hand hadn't relent, hadn't let up on his hold on his thigh either.

Suddenly Jeno had felt too out of it, too tight, like a rubberband about to snap. His hands jumped off the bed and Mark had made a noise of warning. Jeno had tried to hold out, had tried to take deep breaths, had tried to calm the pounding of his heart as he lowered his hands back down. It didn't work. Jeno could hear the blood rushing in his ears, too loud, could feel every little twitch of Mark’s hand, too much, all far too much, and he had broken.

“Apple,” Jeno had gasped out, voice cracking in the middle of the word. “Hyung-”

Mark’s hands pulled away immediately and in the next second, the blindfold had been tugged off and Jeno’s hands gently brought down to his sides. “Shit,” he hissed and Jeno had only blinked up at him, tears springing to his eyes at the sudden light. “Are you okay- Jeno - what’s wrong?”

“I just-” Jeno heaved, trying to get his heart rate back to normal. Mark had looked awfully distraught but he hadn't touched Jeno yet, and for that, for that brief moment of clarity on Mark's part, Jeno was more grateful than he could have articulated at that point. “I couldn’t handle it.”

“That’s fine,” Mark had soothed but his voice had shook in the middle and Jeno abruptly felt awful. “I’m glad you said something. Jeno-”

“I’m fine,” Jeno mumbled, clumsily sitting up, leaning against the pillows propped up against the headboard, scrubbing at the tears still clinging to his eyelashes. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” Mark said wretchedly, his hands fluttering around Jeno's body, still not touching. “Can I- can I touch you? Please?”

Jeno took a breath, took stock of his senses before he let out a nod and let Mark pull him into his arms. Mark had gently massaged his hands before he slid up to his shoulders and pressed there, soothing the burn. “I didn’t mean to-” Jeno mumbled, pushing his face into Mark’s shoulder as Mark wrapped his arms around Jeno. Embarrassment had sliced through him, sharp and thin, meant to hurt. “I didn’t mean to screw this up.”

“You didn’t,” Mark said instantly. "Don’t say that.” He made a frustrated sound and Jeno winced. “I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have done that- I shouldn’t have made you feel-”

Jeno took a shuddering breath, and let it out, face still pressed into Mark's neck, cutting him off. “Can you just- can you just hold me? Just- not talk and- and- hold me.”

Mark had nodded, and slid his arms around him tighter. Jeno could feel his mouth move against his cheek, could feel him mouth an apology, and he'd shut his eyes tighter, and had just clung on.

That Milestone had only become that way in Jeno's head because of the way Mark had reacted after that day. Had become so withdrawn and reticent, and had refused to contact Jeno, let alone touch him when they did inadvertently meet up.

He'd only explained himself when Jeno had finally snapped at him, hurt and annoyed, and so done with being ignored.

"You owe me an explanation," Jeno had snapped, fighting back angry tears as he'd slammed into Mark's apartment, jaw clenched.

Mark had looked up at him and taken a shaky breath. Jeno waited, patient in what he knew was coming. "I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" Jeno had demanded. "For avoiding me? Making me feel like-"

"For hurting you," Mark had snapped and Jeno fell silent in his surprise. Mark had taken another shuddering breath. "It was my fault, I made you feel unsafe with me, and I never meant to do that. That's not why I wanted to - I don't -"

"I didn't feel unsafe," Jeno cut in then, because it was clear that Mark was struggling to formulate his thoughts. "Hyung we- it wasn't your fault. We tried something and it didn't work out. That's not on you."

Mark stared up at him, confusion and hurt clear in his gaze and Jeno's anger had melted away instantly. "Hyung," he'd whispered, coming closer to take Mark's hand in his own. "Don't beat yourself up about it, I don't blame you. You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I hurt you," Mark started, voice shaking and Jeno wonders at how intensely Mark had felt about this.

"You didn't," he'd said instead, stepping forward and looking for any sign of discomfort in Mark's gaze before hugging him. "Hyung. You didn't."

Mark had wrapped his arms around him in a bruising hug but Jeno hadn't complained, only held on.

💎

There was a reason that day became such a turning point in Jeno's head. It would have been so much easier for Jeno to deal with if Mark had been an asshole, or if he'd brushed the incident off and moved onto the next item on their combined checklist. But he hadn't. He'd felt guilty about causing Jeno any kind of discomfort, had apologised for days and days after Jeno had forgiven him, had been so careful with Jeno, had treated him like delicate china, had cherished him.

It would have been easier to fall out of love with Mark - or at least to convince his brain that he could - if Mark hadn't been so good.

Jeno turns to look at Mark, asleep next to him on his front, his arm thrown across Jeno's stomach, eyebrows scrunched up, even in his sleep. He should have left after they'd fucked but Mark had looked at him with a lazy smile and had flicked on a movie, and Jeno had reasoned it out in his head that Mark rarely relaxed and if Jeno left, he'd almost certainly go back to working again. So he'd stayed, had eaten takeout in bed with Mark and fucked him again, while the Avengers had played faintly in the background, before falling asleep in his arms.

Jeno takes a large breath, closing his eyes against the faint dawn filtering in through the heavy curtains. Now, in the pale light of day, the truth was harder to hide from. Now, in the wake of last night, the hurt was harder to repress. Jeno scrubs a hand over his face before carefully scooting out from under Mark's arm and out of bed.

He finds his clothes, wrinkled and gross on the ground, and screws his face up at the thought of having to wear them all the way back on the hour long subway ride back to his apartment. In the end, he steals an old college shirt of Mark's and a pair of his sweatpants and throws his clothes in the laundry along with a whole hamper of Mark's clothes. He mustn't have had time in the past few weeks to even come home, let alone do his chores.

Jeno lets the coffee machine run for Mark to wake up to and just grabs himself a bottle of water before he heads out. If he stays any longer, Mark will realise he's gone and wake up too. And Jeno, based on past experience, finds it extremely difficult to leave a sleepy Mark Lee behind, even when he should.

The train ride is long and Jeno's phone died sometime during the second round of fucking, so he doesn't even have that to distract him from his intrusive thoughts as he stares out the opposite window, watching the sun rise above the river.

Here are the truths Lee Jeno faces on the subway ride back to his apartment (where surely Jisung was burning another half dozen eggs in his well-meaning yet expensive attempt to cook breakfast): One: Mark Lee is not a constant in Lee Jeno's life. This was a relatively easy truth for Jeno to confront, given that he'd known it going into the ridiculous deal that would rule his life for the next two years. Two: Lee Jeno was, to use the popular Twilight blurb, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Mark Lee. Less easier to face, but Jeno had accepted it despite all the self preservation lights in his brain going off in red, screaming warning, warning, impending doom! Let it never be said that Jeno didn’t have defensive instincts, despite the fact that he rarely listened to them. Three: Given the previous two truths, Jeno Lee was now faced with a choice: to either break it off with Mark Lee and save himself the heartache that would inevitably come, or to enjoy the remaining time he had left and to wait for Mark to end it. There was a nagging voice in the back of his head - the one that was relentlessly optimistic, crying hope even when Jeno, in his third year of undergrad, had lost his job and had been on the verge of eviction - that said that perhaps neither of those options would come to pass. Perhaps, they would continue, he and Mark, as they had and one day, Jeno would pluck up the courage to confess his feelings and maybe, just maybe, Mark would feel the same-

Jeno cuts himself off before he starts going down that route again. There's nothing there but misery.

The speaker above him crackles to life, announcing his stop, and Jeno sighs, shaking away all his thoughts about Mark or love or - anything at all. It was a bright Sunday morning and he had plans with friends and a thesis to tackle. No time to wallow. No time at all.

💎

"Have you decided what you're going to do when you graduate?"

Jeno looks up from his computer, across the lab where Doyoung is painstakingly fiddling with a circuit board. "If I graduate," he says, watching the circuit board light up. Doyoung glances at his laptop, lets out a hissed curse and pulls out several wires.

"Don't be annoying," he says, glancing up at Jeno, over the top of his glasses. "You're almost done with your thesis, aren't you?"

"It doesn't matter whether I am or not," Jeno sighs, glancing down at the blinking cursor that had been taunting him for the past hour. "It's due in December. I don't have much time left."

"You'll be fine," Doyoung soothes, as he runs the test again and curses louder when the board fails to return the wanted result. Jeno grins down at his keyboard. He certainly doesn't miss the long nights spent in the electromech lab, crying over the stupid secondhand boards that failed to work even when there was a 0% chance of error in the data.

"So, you haven't decided what to do after graduating?"

Jeno looks up at Doyoung. "No," he says. "Why?"

Doyoung shrugs. "I might have a position open for you in a lab."

Jeno wrinkles his nose. "In your lab? Because, I appreciate it hyung, really, but I think I'll go crazy doing your work."

Doyoung rolls his eyes. "Not me, you brat. A friend of mine in Seoul started a manufacturing business - they do turbines, propellers, all that stuff you dream about in your sleep."

Jeno snorts. He might have made flying objects his career, but that didn't mean he had as much as an obsession towards his career as Doyoung did. But he had to admit, manufacturing had been on his mind for a long time and Jeno was nowhere near the disposition needed for the endless research a lab position required.

"And they want me?"

"They will if I recommend you," Doyoung says, looking up at him with a sharp grin. "And I will, if you want me to."

Jeno feels a fond smile spread across his lips. It truly had been the luckiest day of his life when he'd bumped into Doyoung, a then grumpy third year student, when Jeno was in freshman year. Doyoung hadn't even complained about Jeno spilling his coffee all over him, had only glared at Jeno, huffed a sigh through flared nostrils, and then demanded Jeno carry his books for him to his next class since he clearly had nothing better to do than to run around the dorms aimlessly. Jeno had done it, and on the short ten minute to his class, Doyoung had decided to adopt Jeno and had informed him of the decision as he'd taken his books back from Jeno and had handed his phone back to him, a new number waiting under the name of Doyoung Hyung (coffee victim).

"Thank you, hyung," he says, instead of blurting out all the mushy thoughts that had invaded his brain. "Really."

Doyoung smiled back. "Finish your thesis, brat. Otherwise no amount of my influence will get you hired."

💎

"Have you thought about what you're going to do when you graduate?"

Two weeks later, Jeno picked his head up - this time at an upscale French restaurant in the most expensive part of the business district in Seoul that Mark had been wanting to try out for months - to the same exact question.

He grins. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" He asks instead of answering. Doyoung had forwarded him the manufacturer's information and Jeno had been trading easy conversation with him for a few weeks now, certain in employment when he walked off the stage at the end of December.

"I know your thesis is coming to a close," Mark laughs. "You must be thinking about it - especially with how smart you are."

Jeno takes a sip of wine to hide the flush that springs to his cheeks, rocketing warmth down his spine. He knows Mark has picked up - and more than exploited - his praise kink in bed, but he's not sure if he ever means to do so in public. Or maybe Jeno's just too easy for him. It wouldn't be entirely outside the bounds of reason.

"I've got an interview next weekend," he says when he's sure he's not blushing too much.

"Jeno," Mark says, eyes alight. "That's amazing!"

Jeno doesn't bother with the wine this time when the blush blooms fully. He can't afford to be drunk around Mark. "It's just an interview," he mumbles embarrassed, pulling the bread basket towards himself, choosing to closely examine the grains of the brown bread than to look up into Mark's face, gleaming with pride.

"Still," Mark insists. "I'm so proud of you, that's amazing. We should celebrate." He raises a hand to call a waiter over but Jeno leans over the table and catches his wrist before he can do so. Mark may not be the most frivolous spender, but there seems to be no end to his pockets when Jeno is involved.

"Hyung," Jeno says hastily. "Please don't."

"Why not?" Mark asks, brow furrowing.

Jeno doesn't know how to explain it to him, just that if he witnesses Mark spending more money over him, congratulating him with those proud eyes, it'll be too dangerous for Jeno. "Later," he says instead, attempting a sweet smile. "If I actually get the job, then we can celebrate."

"Please," Mark sniffs, leaning back in his seat, and Jeno lets go of his wrist, certain he's not going to flag down a waiter and order the most expensive champagne off the menu. "When you get the job, I'm not taking you to a silly restaurant, I'm taking you to Paris."

Flashes of memories come back to him like a film reel, cracking and peeling at the edges, burnt orange curling through the cracks. Sunlight spilling down ivory curtains, Mark's head thrown back in unabashed laughter, eyes crinkled up in delight. The calm of walking through museums, hands loosely linked as they fell through space and time, transported by art and history, only anchored to the earth by the hold they had on each other. Lazy mornings at beautiful tiny patisseries, devouring every new dessert in sight despite the fact that they hadn't consumed any real food yet. Mark's arm wrapped around his bare body- Mark kissing him under the Eiffel Tower at night - Mark smiling down at Jeno, arms on either side of Jeno's head, leaning down to sweep his lips over every inch of Jeno's body while outside the stars glittered - an altogether different light in the beauty of the Parsian night.

Jeno blinks away the memories, the thready cobwebs dissipating like cotton candy melting in the rain. He's sometimes convinced Paris was a dream he'd conjured up under a fever of some sort. There could be no other explanation, otherwise Jeno was certain his body wouldn't be able to hold itself up under the knowledge that the way Mark had looked at him - full of happiness, of tenderness, of lo- had been real.

"Not Paris," he says softly. Paris would hurt too much. When Mark blinks at him, confusion and a glimmer of hurt crossing his face, Jeno quickly elaborates. "You've already taken me to Paris, hyung," he says, pushing his lips out in a pout. It's meant to distract and it works. Sometimes Mark is too easy.

Mark grins, confusion vanishing, and he stretches out a hand to sweep a thumb over Jeno's knuckles. "You're right," he agrees, looking at Jeno with an expression too dark, too delicate for Jeno to parse out. A flush crawls over his cheeks and Jeno knows that whatever is about to come out of Mark’s mouth is going to be embrassing. "I should spoil my baby properly, shouldn't I?"

It's meant to fluster and it does. Jeno blushes again, feeling his cheeks heat up. "You should," he says, summoning up all his courage to look Mark in the eyes. He might as well make the most of it while it lasts. God knows it won't for much longer.

💎

Perhaps Jeno should have known. It was all a little too good to be true.

"You never come here with me," Jeno says, eyebrows raised as he and Mark step out of the car to his favourite cat cafe. Mark's not the biggest fan of cats, to Jeno's great horror, and Jeno had been asking him for months to come with him.

Mark shrugs, holding the door open for him. "Thought it was time for a change." The look in his eyes is a little too clear, a little too honest, a little too open, and Jeno, the gullible fool he is, thinks nothing of it. He really should have known.

But Jeno, heavily dosed up on allergy meds that are making him sleepy and too excited at the prospect of showing Mark all the wonders of cats, doesn't take note of it. Doesn't think that anything is wrong.

Mark insists on paying for their coffee while Jeno finds his usual spot, a bay window seat with plush cushions that he curls up on, cooing as Timon, a large Maine Coon with beautiful green eyes, curls up on his lap, instantly covering his jeans in fur as he does.

Mark looks terrified when he comes back to see a cat the size of a baby lion perched on Jeno's knees, unruffled as Jeno strokes his head. "How is that a cat?" He hisses, flinching back when Timon opens his eyes to lazily glance at him.

"He's not going to bite you," Jeno says, amused. "Come here." He curls a hand around Mark's wrist, gently tugging him closer.

"Jeno - wait," Mark starts, going pale. "I don't think-"

"Just stroke his back," Jeno laughs, as he guides Mark's hand over Timon's plush fur. Timon seems unbothered by the panicking human behind him and settles his head on Jeno's lap, purring loudly. "See, he likes it." Jeno turns to look at Mark, breath catching in his throat when he sees how close they are, so close their noses brush.

Mark turns to look at him, eyes wide. "Jeno," he whispers, and something freezes and burns in Jeno's chest. Why does this moment feel so delicate? Why does it feel like everything could shatter at the wrong word? A harsh breath?

"Hyung," Jeno breathes, and then abruptly doesn't know what else to say. It turns out he doesn't need to, because Mark curls his free hand around Jeno's neck and kisses him. Jeno's mouth parts in a gasp and his eyes flutter shut as he kisses back. It's so unlike Mark to engage in pda that Jeno doesn't want to press too hard in case he backs away. But Mark doesn't. He kisses Jeno for the longest time, sweet and lingering, his thumb stroking maddening circles at the curve of Jeno's throat. The sunshine streams in down behind them, Timon is purring like a motorboat, and Mark's kissing him. Jeno thinks he might be in heaven.

Then Timon, unsatisfied with the lack of attention, sits up, and Mark, panicked as he is around cats, jerks back with a yelp.

It takes Jeno a second to recover from the whiplash as he stares at Mark uncomprehendingly before glancing down at Timon and cooing at him, petting his head until he calms back down, grudgingly setting his head back on Jeno's leg.

"Hyung," he says in confusion. "What was that for?"

"Do I need a reason to kiss you?" Mark asks, but he doesn't meet Jeno's eyes. And at that point is the first spark that something is wrong.

"No," Jeno admits, curling his fingers through Mark's absentmindedly and bringing them back to Timon's back, their fingers interlaced and stroking through his fur. Timon rumbles loudly in a purr that sounds more reminiscent of a car engine starting, pleased at the attention. "You never do though, not in public."

"I'm sorry," Mark blurts, and Jeno blinks at him in confusion.

"What for?"

Mark blushes, a faint dusting of pink appearing on his cheeks as he looks down at their hands. Jeno follows his gaze and his chest tightens when he sees Mark stroke his thumb along the back of Jeno's knuckles softly. "I don't know - for treating you like a secret. Treating you so badly."

"You don't treat me badly," Jeno says, dumbfounded. "I've never once thought that. Why do you think that?"

Mark shrugs, still not looking up at him. "Just - you know - our... arrangement isn't the most conventional thing in the world and like- I don't know, I don't like the thought of you thinking you're like - like my dirty little secret or something."

Jeno tilts his head. "But that is it, isn't it?" When Mark finally looks up at him, Jeno smiles at him despite the painful way his heart is clenching, so tight he’s struggling to breathe around it. "Hyung, you're kind of an important person. You can't have people thinking you pay someone to date you, and I'm okay with that."

Jeno knows he isn't a constant, as painful as it is to swallow. He knows that this is temporary and that Mark is a fleeting presence in his life.

"But-" Mark starts, struggling to form words, which is strange given that Jeno used to think Mark was the most put-together, eloquent person he'd ever known. He knows better now, of course, but it's still strange to think back to that time and compare it to the Mark he knows now.

"But nothing," Jeno breaks in easily. "Don't beat yourself up about something that's temporary, anyway."

He doesn't know why he says it. They never discuss it - that this is a relationship that has an expiration date. But Jeno is sad, and he's tired from hurting, and he just - he just wants to spend a day with Mark without the reminder that Mark won't ever love him back hanging over his head. Renjun did always say Jeno was his own worst enemy.

The skin around Mark's eyes tighten and his jaw sets, something so close to hurt crawling over his face before he wipes it away. "Yeah," he sighs, curling his hand tighter around Jeno's as he looks back at Timon. Jeno shuts his eyes briefly, trying not to choke at the sadness that rises up in his throat before opening them and smiling down at Timon.

"He's purring," Jeno says quietly, as Mark pets Timon. "See? You don't have to be scared."

"I am though," Mark murmurs and Jeno pretends not to notice Mark glancing up at him.

Neither of them are talking about the cat.

💎

It's a random Saturday night, and Jeno has a stack of papers to grade from the dynamics class he's the TA for and an empty apartment all to himself. Jisung had disappeared somewhere into the night and Renjun and Donghyuck are having a date night, so Jeno doesn't bother asking them to come over. God knows they'd probably just end up making out on the couch next to him and ignore him entirely.

He finds an old movie on Netflix, something he'd missed when it had come around in theaters for the first time, and grabs the stack of papers, settling in for a long, albeit slightly boring, night.

The time passes in a haze, and Jeno doesn't realise how long he'd gone without blinking until a knock at the door jerks him out of his reverie. Jeno stares down at the bright red grade he'd circled on the paper, sure he'd made up the noise in his head, and takes off his glasses to rub the burn out of his eyes, until another knock sounds at the door.

At this point Jeno’s sure, it's just Jisung having forgotten the password again, Jeno hits pause on the movie and groans as he gets up to answer the door. "Stop forgetting the password already, it's not even that hard it's just -" His voice dies as the door swings open and Mark stands there, looking defeated and exhausted.

Jeno stares at him, abruptly realising he's in sweatpants and a shirt proclaiming ‘Freaks for Science’ in front of Mark, who's wearing a sinfully tight blue button down and slacks, that if he turned around, Jeno knows his ass would look fantastic in.

“Hyung,” he says in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

Mark shrugs tiredly, raking a hand through his hair. “I don’t know,” he starts, shoulders slumping. “I just - I had the worst day at work and I left in the middle of a meeting and I didn’t know where to go and I just- I just ended up here.”

Jeno stares. He doesn’t know if he’s ever heard Mark ramble like that. “Well - um, come in.” He moves aside to let Mark pass by him and pulls out his phone to shoot Jisung a text.

You

ive got comapny

company*

chick

ew hyung just say ur gonna fuck

ill stay at hyucks

You

its not that!

chick

dont wanna know the details hyung

Jeno rolls his eyes at his phone before pocketing it and turning back to his living room. “Hyung, do you want something to drink?”

Mark sighs. “Anything that’ll get me drunk fast, please.”

Jeno snorts, despite the worry climbing up his throat. “That I can do,” he says, rummaging around in his fridge for the grapefruit soju Donghyuck is obsessed with and insists on stocking in all their fridges. He returns to find Mark sprawled along the couch, exhaustion clear on his face.

Jeno sits back down on the floor by his papers, pulling the low table closer to him so he can put the glasses where Mark can reach. “Sit up, hyung.” Jeno nudges his calf. “You can’t drink lying down.”

Mark sighs and slides down to sit on the floor by Jeno, reaching for the bottle. “I can damn well try.”

Jeno raises an eyebrow at him, but says nothing until Mark has thrown back three consecutive shots, smacking his lips at the taste. “What happened at work?” Jeno asks, taking the bottle back before Mark can pour himself more bad decisions in a glass Jisung had stolen from his job as a mild rebellion against shitty management.

Mark relinquishes the glass reluctantly and leans his back against the couch, scrubbing at his face. “I-” he starts before sighing. “I don’t know why I’m here.”

Jeno tilts his head, setting the bottle back on the table before mirroring Mark’s position. “You don’t have to know,” he points out. “Do you not want to be here?”

Mark lolls his head sideways to look at him, and Jeno is struck by familiarity, of the two of them in this position before, the rest of the world melting away to reveal a single spotlight on the pair, lighting them up as if they were the only people to exist. Then Jeno blinks, and the vision vanishes. Ephemeral. A fantasy.

“I like being here,” Mark admits. “But I don’t like what I’m doing to you.”

Jeno swallows. “And what is that?”

“Leading you on.”

There’s a beat of silence. The ostrich that lives in Jeno’s head begs him to stick his head in the sand, to ignore it and move on, because whatever is about to come out of Mark’s mouth next is a truth Jeno doesn’t want to hear. But Jeno’s grown over these last few months - despite his horror - and he knows that whatever this is, it needs to come out.

Jeno takes a deep breath, wincing when it comes out shaky and much too loud for the quiet of his living room. “And how are you doing that, hyung?”

Mark meets his gaze and Jeno wonders at the hurt in them, shadowed by the blankness Mark’s struggling to hold onto. Is this ending? “I’m getting engaged,” Mark says quietly. “Corporate merger.”

Jeno’s ostrich screeches at him inside his head before falling silent, abandoning Jeno to his fate and abandoning him to his truths. “I see,” he manages, distantly aware his hands are trembling. “And- that’s what you came to tell me?”

“I- no,” Mark stutters, sitting up. “I didn’t come to - I just wanted to see your face.”

Jeno looks up at him. “You’re getting married, hyung,” he points out and it burns like poison coming out of his mouth. A painful reminder that Mark isn’t allowed to say things like anymore, not when he just announced to Jeno that he was engaged.

Mark winces. “It’s a corporate merger. I don’t even know the girl.”

Jeno huffs out a laugh and stares down at his knees. “Right.” As if that made it any better. Mark would still be a married man soon and Jeno would be right back where he started. The universe was so cruel to him, Jeno thinks, staring at the rug they’re sitting on. If it had just been a few knockdowns, here and there, Jeno’s sure he would have been able to handle it. But now… now the universe had given him something, something that was good and kind and that Jeno -. No, not finishing that thought.

But now it was taking it away.

“Jeno,” Mark starts, putting his hand on Jeno’s knee and Jeno jerks away, thoughts scattering, spreading like balls on a billiard table, sliding into their deep holes for Jeno to pick up later when he was alone.

“You came to end it, didn’t you?” Jeno asks. “That’s why you-”

“I came because I missed you and I wanted to see your face,” Mark snaps, but there’s no anger in it - just a sort of twisted desperation. “Can’t I do that?”

Jeno swallows, fighting down the tears that threaten to rise. He’s done too much crying over Mark Lee to allow this injustice of crying in front of him. “Not when you’re going to be engaged, hyung.” Jeno says, and Mark’s hand slides up his leg, latches onto his wrist and tugs him into a kiss.

Jeno falls into it. It’s a kiss that’s so rushed and hard and sad and Jeno doesn’t ever want to associate Mark Lee with sadness, so he pulls away, puts space between them and tries to act like he isn’t shattering apart at this very moment. “Hyung-” he gasps, voice breaking, heart cracking at the seams. “You can’t do that- you can’t treat me like I’m something to use.”

Mark looks destroyed, but he makes no move to come closer, to close the distance between them, and for that, at least, Jeno is grateful. “I didn’t mean to,” he whispers, anguish clear in his voice. “You’re - you mean so goddamn much to me, Jeno. You- I lo-”

“Stop it,” Jeno snaps before Mark can finish his sentence. He’s not sure about many things, but he knows, he knows down to his bones that if he hears what Mark is about to say, it’ll destroy him - it’ll break his heart. “Hyung - you’re getting married. You can’t.”

“But I don’t want to!” Mark snaps back.

“But you will, anyway,” Jeno retorts, because there is nothing Mark Lee obeys more than duty. There is nothing he knows more than duty, and if there is something out there - something that his parents want, something that will help his company - there is nothing he’ll stop at to achieve it. They both know this well. It’s just that, at this moment, Mark is blinded to his own truth, and Jeno is left with the painful task of baring him to it.

Mark buries his face in his hands and Jeno slumps, all the fight leaving him. “Hyung,” he whispers, reaching for Mark. “I’m sorry.”

Mark drops a hand, clutches it to Jeno’s and doesn’t look up at him. “Why are you sorry?” He mumbles, other hand still covering his face. “I’m sorry, god I’m so stupid.”

“You aren’t,” Jeno denies, but he lets Mark hold tightly onto his hand and wonders why the universe never allows him the things he so desperately wants.

💎

Things end. It's obvious they will, because no matter how badly Jeno wants Mark, he doesn't want him like this, and no matter what aborted words Mark had tried to say while half-tipsy, he has a duty to fulfill.

But Mark has always been hard to resist, so when he moves forward, the cloak of sleep still half drawn over him, eyelashes dripping gold in the dawn sun reaching its fingers through the windows, and silently asks Jeno for a kiss - one last kiss - it's hard for Jeno to say no. It's always so hard.

Jeno shuts his eyes and keeps his hands firmly by his side, because if he starts holding Mark again, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to stop.

The kiss is soft, short, and it isn’t sweet at all. In fact, it tastes like tears.

"I'm sorry," Mark whispers when he draws back. "I wish..." He trails off, and Jeno can hear every stuttered inhale, every brush of his lashes against his cheeks, every ounce of agony in his voice. It’s almost too much to bear. "I wish I could have been yours."

Jeno doesn't open his eyes until the front door shuts behind Mark. It's a good thing he doesn't, because as soon as he blinks, the tears start falling and they don't stop.

Jeno doesn't want to be that person and be dramatic and call it heartbreak, but the way his chest tightens and refuses to let him breathe, and the way his limbs weigh him down until he's curled up in his bed, blanket drawn over him, and the way he starts crying and doesn't stop, well- it feels an awful lot like heartbreak.

At some point, Jisung comes home, and Jeno doesn't notice until Jisung gently peels the covers back and slides into bed with him, his large hands fluttering hesitantly around Jeno's face, soothing the burn of the tears.

"Hyung," Jisung whispers. "What happened?"

Jeno peels open one eye, slowly and painfully to look at him. The room is dark, the curtains drawn but it still stings to open his eyes. Jisung has a worried look on his face and his fingers haven't stopped petting at Jeno's cheeks. "We ended it," Jeno mumbles, and he's proud of it coming out steady and not at all broken until he chokes on a sob and a fresh wave of tears come spilling out, racking his body until it shakes. "It hurts."

"Oh, hyung," Jisung says helplessly, and in an act of rare affection, gathers Jeno up into a hug and lets him cry, running his hands soothingly up and down Jeno's back until he exhausts himself and falls asleep, tears still clinging to his eyelashes, waiting for his next shuddering breath to fall.

In all honesty, it takes Jeno longer than he'd like to admit for him to get over Mark. He doesn't think he'll ever be really over Mark, because Mark Lee had ingrained himself into Jeno's cells, burrowing deep into his DNA in such a way that it feels like Jeno will never truly be rid of him, never truly stop loving him. That is, Donghyuck says wisely, gently petting Jeno’s hair as he and Renjun curl up on the couch cocooning him, the curse of first loves after all.

Jeno doesn't think he'll ever stop loving Mark, but he does stop feeling sad, which comes as a great relief to him and Jisung, because it had frankly become annoying for Jeno to feel the pull of dried tear tracks on his skin, aching and itching, and Jisung had developed a sort of mild panicked response to the sight of Jeno's tears, hugging him as soon as it started as if the force of his affection could push the tears back where they belonged.

But Jeno does get better. He kind of has to, because life doesn't stop for heartbreak, and it does so even less when he has a thesis to finish, finals to grade, and a job to interview for. He gets busier and busier, and suddenly it's been a month, and Jeno looks up, in the middle of administering a final to some very sleep deprived undergrads, some of whom are asleep in the back row - god save their souls - and realises he hasn't thought about Mark in a week.

So it gets better. Painfully slowly, and sometimes Jeno feels like screaming because it doesn't ever feel like he'll exist in a time where even the thought of black hair and big eyes doesn't make him want to double over and sob till he throws up, but- but it gets better.

He doesn't hear anything from Mark, doesn't hear anything about his engagement - not even through Donghyuck and Renjun who he knows still talk to Mark's friends - and doesn't receive any more money from him. Which is fine. Jeno would have gone up to Mark's fancy apartment to kick his ass if he'd tried to keep sending Jeno money after that terrible excuse for a breakup, and regardless, Jeno had saved up enough money that he wouldn't have to take a job for half a decade and be safe.

He takes the job, of course, when it's offered to him. Jeno's not stupid, and besides, he likes working with planes, likes the simplicity of machines and the bone deep satisfaction that comes with working a problem, breaking it down into its simplest parts, and putting it all back until it ultimately forms into the solution he wants, until the numbers click together, until it works.

He wishes relationships, wishes life was as simple. Wishes the universe was so simple. It’d make everything a lot more easier and if there’s anything Jeno could use more of, it was easiness.

💎

Jeno graduates in a blustery day in January. For grad students, it's not as big a deal as it is with undergrads, and especially with as small as the Aeronautical department is at his college, it's a quick and modest affair, held in the tiniest auditorium.

Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jisung all show up, all holding very large, very colourful bouquets. Jeno doesn't even mind when Donghyuck kisses him on the cheek, because he knows that Donghyuck expresses affection when he's happiest, and he can hardly contain the happiness welling up in his lungs. They take something like several hundred pictures, with Jeno and of him, to send to his parents before starting to bicker about where to go for lunch.

Jeno smiles at them, watching Jisung bend down to gather a handful of snow to bully Renjun into listening to him before backing away several steps to save himself and sliding his phone out of his pocket when it buzzes loudly.

His heart goes as cold as the snow around him, and for a second Jeno thinks he must have swallowed some ice because he's suddenly struggling to breathe as he stares down at the screen, glittering in water droplets as it catches the snow fluttering gently down from the heavens.

mark hyung

Congratulations Jeno

I knew you'd do it

[mark hyung is typing...]

Jeno stares at the screen, waiting for Mark to finish typing so he can start having his panic attack. It seems like an eternity until Mark finally texts him.

mark hyung

I'm proud of you

Oh, fuck. Jeno bites down on his lower lip, taking a shaky breath. He'd never thought Mark was cruel before. Well intentioned but clumsy? Yes. Annoyingly perfect? Absolutely. But never, ever cruel. But this. This was cruel.

Jeno’s fingers hover the keypad, considering what to respond. He settles on a cursory thanks, hyung because his mother had raised him right and she would be so disappointed in him for ignoring well wishes. Jeno locks his phone, shoves it deep in his pocket, along with all his feelings about Mark, and walks back to his friends, intent on enjoying himself for today.

💎

"Hey," Donghyuck says, nudging his shoulder. Jeno looks up, leaning back against the couch just in time for a throw pillow to go flying from Renjun's seat at Jisung across the room. It's movie night, and they're at Renjun's and Donghyuck's apartment because they have a working oven and Jisung refuses to show up if they don't get those massive frozen bags of dumplings for all of them to share.

Jisung flings it back and Renjun gets up from his seat, intent on murdering Jisung. In the commotion, Jeno turns to meet Donghyuck's gaze, smiling at his questioning look. "What's up?" He asks.

Donghyuck shrugs. "Just wanted to check in, see how you were doing?"

Jeno flushes. "I'm fine, Hyuck, it's been like two months. I have to get over it at some point."

Donghyuck doesn't say something sarcastic or tease him, for which Jeno is grateful. He wraps his arm around Jeno's bicep, tugging him closer and rests his head on Jeno's shoulder. "Time doesn't matter when it comes to the one you love," he says quietly, and Jeno follows his gaze to where Renjun is sitting atop Jisung, beating him with a pillow.

Jeno smiles, tipping his head sideways to rest on Donghyuck's head. "Has love made the great Lee Donghyuck soft? Finally?"

Donghyuck snorts. "How dare you," he says with flat affront as if he wants to stick to the rote dialogue but is too tired to summon the right tone. He makes no move to pull away, however, which is great because Donghyuck radiates heat like an electric blanket and Jeno just presses closer, soaking up his warmth. "Really though, Jeno-ya. Are you okay?"

Jeno takes a deep breath, considering. "I don't know," he admits softly. "It was going to end eventually, I knew that and I knew it was going to hurt, and it still does, despite everything. But..." He sighs, trailing off. "I will be. I know I will be."

Donghyuck's fingers tighten around his arm, a soothing pressure, a reminder of who Jeno still has, a silent push to tell him that they're not going anywhere. "That's all I wanted to know," he says, voice soothing, and they sit in silence, watching Renjun reign in triumph over a steadily purpling Jisung.

💎

On an unusually warm day in February, Jeno finds himself in a small cafe.

He’s working on a data report for next week’s meeting and has sequestered himself in the bright pastel cafe, sheltered by a large plant placed in front of his table, which is a great comfort because Jeno hates feeling exposed in public places.

He takes a break to stretch his legs, and walks up to the front to order a slice of cake - which comes out on a pink plate, looking so pretty that Jeno almost doesn’t want to eat it. He loses himself back in his work, plugging in his headphones and clearing his stuff enough that, if someone were to take the seat - the cafe having filled up as lunchtime came and went - they wouldn’t have to disturb him.

Half an hour later, Jeno finds himself thumbing to a new tab and typing in the words ‘Mark Lee engaged’ without noticing, finds himself clicking on the first article, and only then jerking up in his seat and staring at the rim of his laptop in horror. He had let himself go for a short second and his brain - his traitorous fingers - had already searched Mark up.

Jeno swallows and goes to close the tab out, determined not to read any more. But before he can, his gaze gets caught on the headline and his heart stutters to a stop. There at the top of the website, in big, bold letters, splashed across the entire page reads: “Top Company's Heir Breaks Off Engagement - Stocks Plummet”. Jeno’s mouth drops open and he scrolls down, scanning the paragraph. His heart stutters, stops, and then starts back up again with all the force of a kick drum, pounding so hard in his chest he can feel it in his fingertips.

According to the article, internal conflicts had caused the breakup of the couple who were only engaged for a mere three months. Both companies’ stocks had dropped - badly.

Jeno sits back in his chair, staring at his screen but no longer taking in any of the words. What had happened? Had Mark broken it off? He wouldn’t have - Jeno knows he wouldn’t have, not when the future of his company was on the line.

There’s a tap on the table, behind his laptop, and Jeno waves it away. “It’s free,” he mutters without looking up, shakily thumbing back to the search results page and finding another article. They all more or less say the same thing, offering no more details than the first article had, and Jeno starts to tremble.

There’s another tap on the table, and Jeno makes a noise of annoyance, shutting his laptop with a slam. “I said it’s free,” he snaps, looking up. He freezes when he sees Mark standing there, a sheepish look on his face. Weirdly, it might be the first time ever that Jeno has been better dressed - in public at least - than Mark, who’s wearing his laundry day sweats and a shirt of Jeno’s that he knew he’d left at Mark’s apartment and had never gotten back.

“Hey,” Mark says, waving a hand in an aborted motion before wincing at the awkwardness and running it through his hair.

Despite the shock curling through his veins, freezing them to ice, Jeno’s mouth twitches into a smile. He slowly pulls his headphones off, and places them carefully on his shut laptop, looking up at Mark. “Hi,” he says, waving at Mark to take the unoccupied seat and waiting until he does before speaking. “What are you doing here?”

“I-” Mark swallows. “I wanted to- I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Well, that was unexpected. Jeno blinks in bewilderment. “What for?”

Mark lets out a helpless laugh. “What do you mean ‘what for’? For breaking your heart, that’s what for.”

Jeno makes a face while trying to will down his embarrassment, hoping it doesn’t flower up in his cheeks. “You’re making it sound more dramatic than it was. I was- obviously I was going to be sad but-”

“Renjun texted me,” Mark interrupts, a wry smile crossing his face. “Said you cried for a week and then sent me some very creative threats.”

Jeno feels his face light up on fire. God, why did his friends have to be so good to him and so emotionally involved in his life. “I- he shouldn’t- I didn’t cry for a week,” he blurts out hotly, feeling his ears burn red.

Mark smiles. It’s soft and warm, and in that moment, all Jeno wants to do is bask in it. “I’m sorry, anyway.” He says softly, before cracking into a grin. “No matter the duration of your tears.”

Jeno smiles back at him before realising why they’re here in the first place, why Mark had to apologize in the first place. He straightens, biting his lip nervously. “What are you really doing here, hyung? If you wanted to apologise, you could have just texted me.” He doesn’t add that Mark certainly hadn’t had an issue doing that when they had ‘broken up’. Jeno’s still stinging from the knowledge that Mark knew he’d cried over him, but he’s not that petty.

Mark sighs, his own smile fading. “Yeah… I don’t know exactly. I mean - I can’t ask you to take- I just - I just wanted to see you. I just missed you. So fucking much.”

Jeno blinks and forces himself to swallow, taking a steadying breath before he asks his question. “You did?”

Mark’s expression crumples. “So much. I thought about you every single day, and wondered what you were doing and - I - I hate that I hurt you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

Even in his lowest state, Jeno never ever thought - never fantasized - about this moment. He’s so realistic with himself, and no matter how much his traitorous brain pleaded for a small smidgen of hope for it, he never allowed himself to think about it. But reality is often so far from fantasy and now faced with it, Jeno doesn’t know how to react.

“You did,” he says quietly, and hates when Mark’s face falls, even more. “But it wasn’t your fault, hyung. We both knew what kind of a relationship we had, and I wasn’t going to blame you for doing what’s best for your company. Which-” He tilts his head at Mark in confusion. “Why did you break if off?”

Mark gapes at him. “What do you mean ‘why’?” He leans forward, placing his hands flat on the table in silent insistence. “I did it because of you.”

Jeno stares back. “Of me?” He asks incredulously. “Hyung- that’s- that’s insane, you’re insane.”

“How is that insane?” Mark yelps. “I love you, why would I marry anyone else but you?”

Silence falls and Jeno’s mouth drops open. They stare at each other in an increasingly awkward silence, and Jeno watches in a kind of distant fascination as Mark’s face turns redder and redder under his stare.

“Hyung,” Jeno breathes, starting to cough as his voice cuts out halfway through the word. “Hyung,” he tries again. “You -”

“You thought I stopped?” Mark asks with a wry grin that looks more painful than it’s supposed to.

Jeno feels his breath give out, feels his lungs collapse under the pressure on his chest. “I didn’t think you’d risk your company for me.”

"Well - I -" Mark stutters. "I mean, yes, the company's important, but it's always going to be there. You weren't." He meets Jeno's gaze. "That is, if you even are right now."

There's a silent question in the space that follows. Will you come back to me? And god, Jeno really is a masochist, isn’t he? Willing to rush back into the arms of someone who had hurt him so badly because there was nothing better, no sweeter aphrodisiac, no better feeling than the one of being in Mark’s arms.

"I'm here," Jeno says quietly. Mark's eyes widen in the most precious way and a grin starts tugging at his mouth. Jeno feels his own lips widen in a smile, and somehow it feels like it's brighter in the cafe, feels like the sun is shining brighter, like there's a weight lifting off his chest. "Really, hyung if- if you'll have me, I'm here."

Mark lets out a little laugh, pushes his chair back with a screech before bounding around the table, lifting Jeno's chin up with his fingers and kissing him. Jeno clutches his wrist and tugs him closer, his eyes fluttering shut under the pressure of Mark's lips against his own.

"I can't believe you're mine," Mark says, hushed, and when Jeno opens his eyes, it's to see Mark staring down at him, eyes shining. "You're really mine."

"You're mine too," Jeno tells him happily, and the words that had been aching for so long to leave, when they finally pass through his lips, feels like the best feeling in the world. Mark's his. Jeno isn’t temporary anymore; he’s a constant, an indelible tattoo on the pages of Mark’s life. He’s permanent.

💎