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He lay in bed awhile, staring up at the ceiling, feeling Rick’s breath against his bare shoulder. Rick was curled up against him, warm and heavy. He sighed and closed his eyes; just about ready to fall back asleep when he heard a soft whine.
AJ looked over the edge of the bed. “What is it, huh, Toby?”
Toby gave another whine, wagged his stubby tail, and toddled over to the bedroom door.
“All right” he sighed, “I’m getting up.” He rolled out of bed and put on his robe and slippers.
“AJ,” Rick called out, sleepily.
He kissed Rick’s cheek. “Just taking Toby out. I’ll be back.”
“M’kay.” He burrowed deeply into the covers.
The dog shuffled out the door and down the hall.
AJ followed, grateful that this house wasn’t like the one on Canal Street. He couldn’t count the times he almost fell trying to negotiate the stairs when he was half-asleep.
He rubbed his eyes, blinking at the bright light streaming in from the windows.
“Hello, honey.”
AJ stopped in mid-stride and turned slowly towards the woman sitting on the couch. “Mom, you’re early.”
“No, I’m on time. It’s nine o’clock, AJ.”
“Nine?” He glanced at the clock. “Oh Lord, I didn’t realize--”
“That’s what happens when you have a late night.” She stood up. “Did you have a late night, AJ?”
“I--.” AJ tightened his belt and crossed his arms. He was suddenly extremely aware that he was naked underneath his robe.
“I saw. I thought I’d wake you and I saw.”
“Oh.” He went over to the back door and let Toby out. It was better than what he wanted to do. He wanted to run out of the house and drive away. But that wasn’t really convenient or mature.
“Oh, is that all you can say?” She put her hands on her hips.
AJ’s memory flashed to when he was ten and he had broken Mrs. Moore’s window playing baseball. She had struck that same pose while chastising him. “What else can I say?”
“You could tell me why.”
“Because I love him.”
“He’s your brother.”
“Do you think that matters?” He shook his head. “Don’t you see, there’s only ever been Rick for me. I’m tired of pretending that I’m not love him, that I don’t want to be with him. I’m tired of the women coming in and out of my life never coming close…”
“Never coming close to what?”
“I’ve never been able to come close to feeling about them how I feel about Rick. Even with Janet I could never…” His throat closed against the words as he felt the sense of failure he always did when thinking of his marriage.
“It’s immoral. It’s immoral and wrong and he’s your brother, dammit!” She clenched her hands into fists. “How could you do this? How could you do this to yourself, to me?”
“This isn’t about you! This is about me. This is about me finally saying to hell with the rules. All they ever got me was miserable. Well, I’m tired of it. I won’t pretend anymore. And if you can’t handle that, then there’s the door.”
“You don’t mean that.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“I do mean it. I don’t expect you to understand, I don’t expect you to approve. I do expect you to stay the hell out of my bedroom.” He turned away from her.
“AJ.” She leaned against his back, arms wrapping around him. “Don’t do this.”
She was crying against him and more than anything he wanted her to stop. He had to squelch the urge to hug her and promise her the world. His world. “I won’t deny him. Maybe you better leave.”
She pulled away. “You can’t ask me to change how I feel.”
“Neither can you.
“I don’t want to lose you. Either of you.”
“Oh, Mom.” He turned and gave into his urge, gathering her into an embrace. “We don’t want to lose you either.”
“What you’re asking me to do…”
“All I’m asking is that you look away. We won’t flaunt it ,Mom, we never have. We know the risks involved. Just look away. Please.”
“Mom? AJ?” They both turned to the hall. Rick stood there looking guilty in hastily put on jeans. He hadn’t even bothered to button them up. “I…”
Cecilia pulled away and wiped her eyes. “Well, it’s about time you got up. We’re supposed to be having breakfast.” She pushed AJ towards the hall. “Go on, get dressed. I’ll start the pancakes.”
“Yes, ma’am.” As AJ passed Rick in the threshold, his brother gave him a quizzical look. He shook his head. “Don’t ask, I’ll tell you later.”
**********
After breakfast and the washing of dishes, Cecilia had kissed both her children goodbye. Of course, not before extracting promises of dinner on Saturday night. She had a friend she wanted them to meet.
When she was gone, AJ told him about their discussion. His brother had gone pale, the red, then pale again. He decided to take advantage of Rick’s uncharacteristic silence and took him to bed.
**********
“Move in with me.” He kissed the hollow of Rick’s throat.
“What?” Rick laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“Move in with me. We can put your stuff into the guest room. It won’t seem strange, two brothers as roommates.”
“AJ, we’d kill each other before the month was out.”
“We’ve done it before. When you had ‘The Hole in the Water.’”
“You had your space, I had mine. If I move in…”
“I see.” He slid off Rick’s body and stared up at the ceiling.
“Don’t, AJ. Look, we--”
“It’s fine, Rick, I understand.”
“AJ--”
“I just, I remember when I was married to Janet. Waking up to someone every morning, the old patterns, the familiarity of brushing my teeth when she was showering, coming home and knowing she was going to be there. Is it so terrible that I might want that with you?”
“What about Mom? She won’t like it.”
“I told you, we came to an understanding. I want to wake to you every morning. I want to argue with you about leaving your boots in the hall…I want you with me every morning and every night.”
“And you don’t think it might be a little much, working and living together?” Rick’s hand ran lazily over his stomach.
“Forget it.” He pushed Rick’s hand away. “It was just a thought.”
“I’m just thinking that the last time I moved in with someone we wound up getting tangled up with the mob. Again.” Rick nuzzled his ear. “You don’t got any ex-roommates connected with the mob, do ya?”
AJ turned on his side, leaning into Rick’s body. Hope making his stomach flutter wildly. “No.”
“Good.” Then he started teasing AJ with soft little kisses on the mouth. “Will you make me breakfast in bed?”
“Maybe.” He slid a hand down Rick’s back. “Is that a yes?”
Rick smiled. “How could I say no to breakfast in bed?”
AJ pulled him close, wrapping his legs about Rick’s waist. He’d make omelets for breakfast tomorrow.