Chapter Text
LOCATION: Vampire Mansion, Staten Island. Night.
Open on a medium shot in the candle-lit study of the mansion. Laszlo Cravensworth is sitting at his desk with the infant Colin Robinson on his lap.
Laszlo: As you well know, my dear lady wife has taken up her position on the Supreme Vampiric Council in London and I have - for a variety of reasons - elected to remain behind.
Infant Colin Robinson tips a bottle of ink over on the desk, which is covered in plastic wrap. Laszlo sets the smaller vampire on the desk.
Laszlo: As you can imagine, my dearest love was rather… displeased by this decision.
/
LOCATION: Private Chambers of Vampiric Council in London
Long shot of Nadja of Antipaxos screaming obscenities in several languages, smashing furniture, and throwing minions across the room. Medium close-up on Guillermo de la Cruz grimacing.
/
LOCATION: Vampire Mansion, Staten Island. Night.
Laszlo: So naturally, I decided to try and make amends for my deficient husbandly duties by putting her in touch with one of my oldest chums in the city. If anyone can sooth my dulcet darling, he can.
/
LOCATION: Soho, London
Tracking shot following Nadja and Guillermo through the streets. Nadja looks very excited, but Guillermo does not seem as enthusiastic.
Guillermo: So who is this guy?
Nadja, excitedly: He is a very powerful, very funny, very naughty man. My shitfucking bastard husband met him at one of his clubs two hundred years ago and they really hit it off. That was before I found Laszlo but after that, they have stayed very good friends.
She spins to grin at the camera.
Nadja: The last time we spoke to him, he was fucking a beautiful snake demon! What a lucky bastard!
Guillermo: I don’t know why that’s lucky-
/
LOCATION: Vampire Mansion, Staten Island
Laszlo: He and I had a bloody good time of things, but a man needs to know when he can’t compete and let me tell you, no one can compete with a chap with two cocks.
/
LOCATION: Soho, London
The streets of Soho are busy, but Nadja clearly knows where she is going. Guillermo follows behind her.
Guillermo: So is this guy a vampire? Or something else?
Nadja waves a hand impatiently and then shrieks and starts running. Guillermo follows, reaching for his stakes. She’s going towards a building that looks like a vintage bookshop and the man standing in the doorway.
Nadja: There you are, you kinky bastard!
The man - A. Z. Fell - is blond and looks middle-aged. He wears a similar style of clothing to Laszlo in paler colours, and he’s smiling as broadly as Nadja. She hugs and kisses him enthusiastically then giggles when he bows to kiss her hand.
A.Z. Fell: You’re looking radiant as always, my dear. And you have friends with you?
Nadja makes a face at the camera.
Nadja: They’re my documentary crew. Annoying arseholes, but you get used to them.
A.Z. Fell: And the young man?
Guillermo raises a hand in greeting.
Guillermo: I’m Guill-
Nadja: He’s my bodyguard.
She loops her arm through A.Z. Fell’s and they advance into the shop, closing the door behind them.
Nadja, muffled: So how is your demon? Is his arse still as juicy?
/
LOCATION: Bookshop, Interior - Soho, London
Close-up shot of A.Z. Fell sitting in the backroom of his bookshop, hands folded in his lap.
A.Z. Fell: Gosh, this is rather exciting. I’ve only been on television once before and that was accidental.
He arranges himself on the chair, adjusts his waistcoat, and smiles.
A.Z. Fell: Oh yes, Laszlo and I have been friends for… oh… at least two centuries now. We used to attend the same clubs, though I must admit that he attended much more… ah… enthusiastically than I did.
He laughs.
A.Z. Fell: That’s not to say we didn’t partake of a gavotte or two in our time.
Cut to flashcards of Victorian photographs of gentlemens’ clubs with images of dancing, ponyplay and gentlemen in drag interspersed with more erotic pornographic images.
A.Z. Fell: I must admit it is rather nice to have another friend who doesn’t age. What? Oh no, one doesn’t go around, announcing one’s self. I find it better to keep a low profile. Better not to draw unnecessary attention.
/
LOCATION: Bookshop, main area - London, Soho
Guillermo is in the main body of the shop, flicking through a book. He occasionally glances towards the back room, where Nadja and A.Z. Fell are sitting and talking. Cut to close-up of Guillermo.
Guillermo: I know Nadja says this guy is an old friend of Laszlo’s, but this whole place has a really weird vibe.
Cut to him doing a circuit of the shop, peering at shelves and lifting down scrolls and books to study them.
Guillermo: I’m not sure what it is, but something feels… kinda… off.
Nadja [off-screen]: Guillermo if you’re going to whine, can you do it outside? It’s very annoying.
Guillermo grimaces, but beckons the camera crew to follow him outside.
LOCATION: Outside the bookshop - Soho, London
Stamping to keep himself warm, Guillermo wraps his arms around his chest.
Guillermo: I just think it’s kind of strange that a supernatural creature wouldn’t just admit what he was. I mean, you’ve seen what I normally deal with, right? Oh, I am a vampire ! Hey, we’re werewolves, this is our pack. They all do it.
A vintage black car roars up to the kerb. Cut to wide panning shot to take it all in. A tall, skinny man with red hair gets out and leans on the roof.
Man: What the fuck’s going on here?
Guillermo smiles tightly.
Guillermo: It’s a documentary crew following my… uh… employer.
The man sniffs the air and hisses.
Man: It’s not Man-Child the Relentless is it?
Guillermo, startled: Uh. What?
The man swings around the hood of the car and saunters towards him, his whole body moving in a very inhuman way.
Man: You stink of him.
Guillermo looks mortified, angry and - more than a bit - pleased.
Guillermo: Uh. No. No, not Nandor. He’s not here.
Man: Good. Stupid bastard owed me fifty dihrams.
He stops, looking Guillermo up and down, and slowly grins at him.
Man: Got a good bit of wrath coming off you there. So… who are we hosting?
Guillermo, stiffly: Nadja of Antipaxos of the Vampiric Council.
The man grins, showing all his teeth.
Man: Ohhhh, we’re going to have a good night tonight.
/
LOCATION: Bookshop, main dome - London, Soho
The new man is sprawled in an armchair, one leg thrown over the arm in the middle of a mid-shot. Just out of shot behind him, Guillermo is visible behind a bookshelf, pretending to read.
Crowley: Anthony J Crowley. Is me. Usually just go by Crowley. I’ve know Nadja and her gang a long time. Part of the job, really. Run into them from time to time when you’re as old as we are. It’s a small world and all that.
Cut to images of them across history. Crowley appears in various forms, including a brief glimpse in a harem costume in one of Nandor’s concubine paintings.
Crowley: What? No, I don’t know -know them. Not really my thing, the undead.
He swivels around in the chair, glancing over his shoulder straight at Guillermo. With a wide grin, he waggles his fingers at him, then turns back to the camera. Guillermo glares at him, but sidles back behind the shelf out of sight.
Crowley: I’ve got a good sense about humans. Been tempting them for a long time. Ha! Nadja mentioned that, did she? Yeah, I’m the snake demon. I mean, technically. Don’t do that form much anymore. It’s a bugger and a half and in this climate, you don’t want to be a cold-blooded reptile.
He slides his sunglasses down his nose, showing slit-pupilled yellow eyes.
Crowley: Technically, I still work for the powers of hell. I mean, I say technically, they wish they could get me back on board. You can’t cut off the power, though, so we’re… amicable for now. They’ve stopped trying to kill us for the time being anyway.
He cocks his head.
Crowley: Nah, I’m not one of the big cheeses, but a few people might know of me. My biggest gig was me, a garden and an apple.
Something crashes behind the shelves. It sounds like a pile of books fell over.
A.Z. Fell [off-screen]: What on earth was that?
Crowley snaps his fingers.
Crowley: S’taken care of!
A.Z. Fell [off-screen]: Thank you, dear!
Crowley grins.
Crowley: You might want to go and check on your little human.
/
LOCATION: Behind the bookshelves - the Bookshop
Guillermo is leaning against the shelves, white as a sheet. He shoots furtive looks around the edge of the shelves, staring at the demon Crowley.
Guillermo: This - he - it can’t be. It can’t be because that mean it’s all… oh God…
He slides down the edge of the bookshelf to sit in a heap on the floor.
Guillermo: He said he did a garden and an apple and he was a snake and if he was a snake in a garden with an apple…
He looks wildly at the camera, gesturing them to turn away. The camera tilts away, focussing on the bookshelves and a small ornamental angel holding a bunch of flowers.
Guillermo [off-screen]: Eden was real. If he was in Eden, then Eden was real, which means God is real and sin is real and Heaven and Hell and-
Off-camera, all that can be heard is frantic urgent, wheezing breathing. In the distance, footfalls approach.
A.Z. Fell [off-screen]: Oh my dear boy. Here. Let me help you.
/
LOCATION: Upstairs in the bookshop
Wide-shot of a snug living room. Guillermo is sitting in an armchair, wrapped in a blanket and holding a cup of tea. He still looks shaken and A.Z. Fell is sitting close to him, talking to him gently.
Cut to close-up with Nadja and Crowley, crowding in the doorway of the room to watch. She smacks him on the arm.
Nadja: You broke my bodyguard, you stupid bastard.
Crowley, innocently: I didn’t break anything. I just taught him eavesdropping is bad.
Nadja glowers at him.
Nadja: You better hope your boyfriend can stop him gibbering like a village fool. I like to scare the other people on the council when I bring him to meetings.
The demon shrugs, still grinning.
Crowley: Whatever’s going on in his head, I’m not the one who put it in there. You can thank organised religion for that.
Nadja smacks him on the arm again.
Nadja: You are such a wanker.
/
LOCATION: Downstairs in the bookshop
A.Z. Fell is sitting under the dome of the shop on a small wooden bench. In the background, in the smaller room at the back, Nadja and Crowley are having a heated debate that might be about poker or poking. It’s hard to tell and A.Z. Fell smiles indulgently.
A.Z. Fell: I do hope this doesn’t disrupt the plans in your televisual show.
A creak of footsteps sound on the metal staircase. Cut to see Guillermo coming back down the stairs. He looks self-conscious, but nods to A.Z. Fell then disappears into the back room where Crowley and Nadja are.
A.Z. Fell, happily: Well, that’s good. He’s looking much better. It always comes as such a fright to the ones raised in the church when they realise just who Crowley is.
He shakes his head with a fond look towards the back room.
A.Z. Fell: Honestly, who would think one little action could have such an immeasurable impact?
He tilts his head inquiringly as he folds his hands together.
A.Z. Fell: Oh yes. He’s certainly the Serpent of Eden. He wouldn’t lie about that. And he really is quite splendid when he takes that form. That’s how we first met, you know. I was on guard duty on the wall and he came slithering up beside me, all shiny and sleek in the sunlight.
Turning on the bench, he glances back again.
A.Z. Fell: If you’ll excuse me, I did promise Laszlo I would distract Nadja and sitting here nattering is hardly doing that.
He gets up, trying to untangle himself from the microphone pack.
A.Z. Fell: If I don’t get there right away, I fear we may end up playing Crowley’s variation of Whist and it’s certainly not the best weather for nudity.
/
LOCATION: Vampiric Council Office - Day
The office chamber is broad and dark with thick curtains and heavy wooden furniture. Guillermo moves around the room, carefully arranging pieces. He looks distracted. Cut to a close-up on him in the courtyard outside, bundled up in a scarf and coat.
Guillermo: So. Uh. Last night I played cards with a vampire, a demon and… and an angel. I know, right? He… Mr. Fell is an angel. I didn’t- I thought- I mean, everything else is real, so why not them, right? But I didn’t… I did believe it, but I kind of… didn’t?
He fidgets, groping for the crucifix around his neck.
Guillermo: It’s… I’m not sure what to think of it all.
He goes back into the building - it looks like something from a costume drama with pillars and tall windows and naked statues. Tracking shot follows him through the hall and back up the staircase. Cut to a small room with a bed and furniture. Guillermo sits down on the edge of the bed.
Guillermo: He’s friends with Laszlo. Laszlo . I mean, I guess that being friends with a vampire can’t be that bad if an angel is doing it, right? And he is… uh… involved with a demon.
Cut to a wide shot from the bookshop, through the window, of Crowley crowding A.Z. Fell up against the nearest surface, both of them laughing and smiling.
Guillermo, more confidently: If he can do it and be okay with it, it’s fine. It’s fine .
/
LOCATION: The bookshop, day
A.Z. Fell is sitting in the back room of the shop with a cup of tea and Crowley is sprawled on his back on the couch, one foot balanced on the arm.
Crowley: Don’t look at me. He’s the one who loves messing with the lapsed ones.
A.Z. Fell: Now dear, don’t tell fibs.
Crowley rolls onto his side to grin at the angel.
Crowley: Did you or did you not invite me over as soon as they arrived? You said he was making you feel itchy.
A.Z. Fell, virtuously: I didn’t tell you to scare the poor boy.
The demon hoots with laughter.
Crowley: No, you didn’t. You’re very good at not telling me to do exactly what you want me to do. You did the googly eye thing.
He makes a face, eyebrows rising, and poking out his lips in a pout. The angel purses his lips.
A.Z. Fell, primly: Foul fiend. Anyway, it seemed to work to cheer up Nadja as well. Laszlo will be delighted.
Crowley: Soft bastard that he is.
A.Z. Fell smiles slightly
A.Z. Fell: It takes one to know one.