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Part 1 of Coming Home
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2014-07-13
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2016-03-06
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7/?
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Home Again

Chapter 7: Regrets, Love, Tears and Fears

Summary:

Bella begins facing the emotional consequences of her actions.

Notes:

This chapter is unbeta'd so any and all mistakes are mine.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

My chest hurt, my eyes burned, I couldn’t breathe out of my nose and the talk with Jacob was racing through my brain.  I couldn’t think of anything else and it’s even a wonder I made it back to Charlie’s unharmed because I have no memory of driving back.  I now sat by the garage where I parked the truck.  I sat going over everything that was said trying to calm down enough so that I could walk into the house.  I looked over at the drive and noticed the cruiser there.  Just what I needed a talk I no longer had the energy for nor cared to have today.  I was burnt out and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and not wake up for a week, I wanted to shut down and not process everything that I had done to the man and family I loved.  I wanted to hold my babies and drift away in the simple world of just their existence.  I took deep breaths through my mouth because my nose was still useless and I wiped the tears that wouldn’t stop.

Once I felt I was calm enough at least enough to take care of my daughters I climbed out of my truck and made my way to the house.  I grudgingly climbed the stairs and opened the front door.   I walked till I could see into the kitchen, no one was there but there was food cooking on the stove.  I moved to the living room where Rachel, Emily and Charlie were all sitting watching the TV with the volume so low I doubt they heard it.  I moved my sight to the playpen and saw my babies sleeping.  I moved over to them and quietly and gently picked Juliana up and held her to me.  I needed her to help keep me sane.  I stood in the living room blocking everything that wasn’t my daughter out.  I slowly swayed back and forth rocking her humming a lullaby softly. 

I clung to her as my lifeline to sanity.  I was inhaling her essence, letting it calm my frantic and painful thoughts.  I had to let go of the poison currently taking up my mind and every breath was riding me of them.  I was lost to the world with her in my arms.  I became aware that even the TV was no longer making noise and the oppressing silence of the room. My back was to the three taking up residence on the couch; I didn’t want to look at them afraid of what they’d see on my face.  I knew I looked like a mess, I could feel my skin tightening because of the drying tears.

“Bella?”Charlie asked tentatively.

I opened my eyes and turned to three pairs of questioning eyes boring into me.  Emily and Rachel looked sad, sympathetic and understanding, but still staring intently as if trying to decipher what had occurred between Jacob and me.  Charlie at first looked confused and then he turned dark with rage.

“Yeah?” I answered back, my voice betraying my projected calm.  Two loud intakes of air, very similar to those I had heard when I came back from the diner, were let loose from Rachel and Emily’s lips.  Their eyes grew wide with understanding as if they knew exactly what happened.

“What the hell did that little shit do to you, Bella?” Charlie asked through gritted teeth.


“What?” I was confused, why the hell would he think Jake had done anything to me.  Though I was even more confused why he called him a little shit, Charlie loved Jake, sometimes I thought he loved him more than me.

“What did Jacob do?”  He bit out.

“Ch…Dad he didn’t do anything we just…I just…Dad its Jacob you know him.”  While I didn’t want to go over my heartbreaking conversation with Jacob, I wanted Charlie off the war path. Jacob didn’t deserve Charlie’s anger.

“If he didn’t do anything then why do you look like that, my god you don’t look much better than you did when Sam found you in the forest after Edwin left. Now what did he do?” He said through clenched teeth.  I flinched at both the reminder of that terrible day and the months that followed and in realization that I did feel close to that. I didn’t realize I looked that bad. Thankfully I wasn’t exactly as bad as I had been; I felt like my world was falling apart, just not that is was ending.

“He told you, didn’t he?” Rachel asked, her voice soft and sad.

“God damn it, Bells what the hell could he have told you that has you like this?”  Charlie yelled this time.  I didn’t want to have this conversation right now but either I told Charlie or he was going to wake the babies.

“Dad, calm down and lower your voice or you’ll wake the babies.”

 I kissed Juliana’s forehead and lovingly set her back in the play pen.  Without speaking I moved to the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it from the tap.  I turned and slowly slid to the kitchen floor with my back to the cabinets.  I took a large gulp of water and then set the glass on the floor next to me, pulling my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and laid my head on top of them all in an attempt to cocoon myself from this horrible day.

It was thousands of times worse than I had first imagined it being.  I was hopeless that I would ever have anything resembling a relationship with Jacob. Even a respectful co-parenting relationship looked impossible at the moment. I hated me more than he did. I don’t think I was ever going to forgive myself for what I put him through.  I wanted to go back to that cold January day when I was starring at those tests and force myself to stay.  To go to Emily or Rachel or even call my mom, go to someone that could’ve shown me reason and stopped me from making the giant cluster-fuck of a mistake I made.  In leaving I hadn’t succeeded in accomplishing anything I’d intended.  He didn’t go to school and get good grades.  He didn’t perform his wolf duties.  He couldn’t work his part time job. His burdens hadn’t been lessened. Not only did his life fall apart but it affected everyone in his life.  Billy lost months with his son, Embry and Quil lost months with their best friend.  I didn’t know what I was going to do to fix the mess I made.  I didn’t know if I could fix it.  I was losing what little hope I had left.

I was taking deep breaths trying to keep myself in control and keep from breaking down again.  I wasn’t going to wallow in the pain and turmoil.  I had my babies to care for; they needed me more than I needed to cry, even if that’s all I really wanted to do for the moment.

I felt their presence before I heard them. Silently, Rachel and Emily slid to the floor on either side of me laying their heads on my back.  One of them - I didn’t know which - began rubbing soothing circles on my back.  They were trying to console me; I didn’t like it because as much as I wanted to feel better I didn’t deserve it especially from them.  I had destroyed Rachel’s brother in ways I never thought possible.  I had obliterated my sun.  He had become a black hole of misery sucking everyone that loved and cared for him with him into his depression.  I was a vile, horrible, evil harpy who only caused pain, and everyone knew I had hurt him before.  I had hurt him for weeks with my constant rejections after his unending professions of love, even when we both knew I was in love with him.  I guess I was an expert at hurting those I love, and I didn’t want to be.  I wanted to be like Jacob where I brought light to the lives of those I loved and made their lives better with just my presence. I wanted to fix him, to bring light to his life so that he was my sun again.

“Why?” I asked, my voice cracking, them, though at the moment I don’t know what I was really asking them.

“Why, what sweetie?” Emily asked.

“Why - why…how can you forgive me…you should hate me like he does.” My voice was thick with tears but I refused to let them fall from my eyes. I didn’t deserve to feel sorry for myself or deserve their comfort.

“Bells, he doesn’t hate you. I don’t hate you and I forgive you because you came back and you know you made the wrong decision by leaving.  I know you won’t leave us again. Right now, I don’t know all the reasons you left but you thought you were doing right by him and you.  You had him in mind when you did what you did.  While I think you were incredibly stupid, you did it because you love him.  He just needs time to see that you aren’t going to hurt him again like that, but never think that he hates you.”  Rachel said trying to soothe me, which made me feel worse.  I tried to ignore the mention of ‘Bells’ it just reminded me that he hadn’t said it once, it was like he was pointedly refusing to say it and that hurt me more than if he had called me vile names.

“But he does, he told me, he said - said he doesn’t love me or want me and he can’t forgive me.” I paused for a moment feeling the weight of those words and cried out, “Oh god what have I done?” I was falling into the darkness again and the only thing keeping me out completely was my two little angels in the other room.

“Bells?” Charlie asked firmly but with worry filling his voice.  Of everyone in my life, he had the right to worry.  He saw me at my worst; even Jacob had never saw me that bad.  Charlie had lived day in and day out with me in my catatonic state and throughout my zombie phase.  He deserved anything he asked of me. But right now I didn’t think I had the energy to either: physically, mentally or emotionally give him anything.  With a weighted sigh I raised my head to look at my father.

“Yeah, Dad?”

“What did he do, what did he say, come on, Bells, you got to give me something here, I hate seeing you like this.”  He said desperately

“Dad…he…I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t.” I was losing my war with my tears as they slid down my cheeks, as overwhelmed with emotion as I’d been when I’d come back. If I spoke about everything I was going to fall apart again and I wasn’t willing to do that.   I dropped my head back to my knees and tried again to cocoon myself from the heavy burden my guilt brought.

“Bella, when do the girls need to go to bed for the night?” Huh?  Where had the sudden change in subject come from?

Confused, I thought about the question before answering. “I usually try to get them to bed by eight or eight-thirty, in fact I should probably get them up to feed.  If I want them to sleep at all tonight they can’t have that much longer of a nap.”  With a deep shuddering breath in I raised my head and began the difficult task of getting up.

Emily and Rachel removed their heads from my back and leaned back against the counter.  I stood and made my way to the fridge.  I grabbed two bottles and noticed that there was only two left, meaning I would have to pump as soon as possible.  I really didn’t think I had the energy to pump in the middle of the night.  I closed the door and went to the sink to warm the bottles.  Once warm, I took them into the living room and set them down on the couch side table.  I went to the playpen picked up Charlotte and woke her up praying the whole time she wouldn’t cry and wake her sister.  Thankfully, she was working with me and woke easily and stared at me with her big, warm, brown eyes.  I still had trouble believing Jacob and I made this tiny little miracle.  I didn’t understand how I could love something so much.  The first time I’d  held my daughters I felt this all encompassing, blind adoration, and love and I silently wondered if that was how imprinting felt. My very being was altered the day they were born.  I didn’t breathe for me, I didn’t love for me, I didn’t eat for me, I wasn’t a part of this earth for me; my entire existence became about them and their lives.  I knew it was now the same for Jacob.  What a royal mess I had made of all our lives. 

I was still playing the ‘what if’ game on loop in my head but knew it would do nothing but make me feel worse.  I stared at my daughter in the eyes knowing I had to fix everything for them.

“I’m sorry, Peanut, I’m sorry I kept you from your daddy.  I swear to you and your sister that I will fix this, I will make this better because I love you two so much and I love him so much.”  I promised my daughter and myself.

I heard muffled whispering coming from the kitchen but really didn’t care to strain my ears to hear what they were saying.  If I needed to know they would come to me.  I wanted to focus on simple tasks that didn’t require me to get too emotional or confrontational so I let the three in the kitchen be.

Charlotte started to squirm in my lap and I knew she was getting hungry, I reached over and grabbed a bottle and began to feed her. She was eating hungrily when Juliana began to whine.  Shit.  I hated when that happened, especially, when they weren’t in the carriers or the swing.  I knew if I quit feeding Charlotte to go get Juliana she would wail and if I waited until Charlotte was finished Juliana would begin to cry.  I was debating what to do when Charlie came into the living room, made his way over to the playpen, picked up his whimpering granddaughter, grabbed the other bottle and began to feed her.

I watched him feed Juliana for a moment before I decided to speak. “I’m sorry Dad.”

“For what, Bells?” He asked absently because the majority of his attention was on the baby in his arms.

“For everything, for leaving, for doing so without any real explanation, for not giving you an adequate one now, for getting pregnant in the first place, for not trusting you when I did find out.  I’ve put you through so much since I moved back here, I’ve caused you so much stress and heartache, and you deserved none of it.  I never meant to hurt you, I just got so lost.  I am so sorry.”  My voice cracked on the last word.

“I know you’re sorry.  It’s just…you can’t leave again, I can’t take it.  I almost lost you and I won’t go through that again. We all have a lot to decide in the next little while but you’re too exhausted to do any deciding right now and Jacob needs to be here when we do. And by the way you look I don’t think that doing that now is the best idea.”  I just nodded not knowing what to say.

Shortly thereafter, Charlotte finished her bottle so I picked her up to burp her.  I wanted and needed to get lost in my baby’s routine. The thing was, coming back had destroyed that routine and, I could sense myself struggling to stay stable.  Feeding and burping my daughter wasn’t helping the tumult of emotions and thoughts running through me.  If I wasn’t careful I was going to have a panic attack which would only upset the babies and make them harder to get to sleep tonight. 

“Bells, Charlie, we’re going to head back now.  Are you going to be okay?” Rachel asked as she placed a hand on my shoulder.  I just nodded because right now ‘okay’ was relative.  In the traditional sense I wasn’t but was I going to fall apart? No.  In the corner of my eye I saw that Charlie also nodded.

“Okay, I just turned the pot on the stove down, so whenever you two are ready your supper is done and Bella we’ll be here around nine tomorrow and then we can head out.”  Emily said.

“Thank you, you two…I.” Rachel interrupted before I could finish.

“You don’t need to say anything; we’ll see you in the morning and make sure you get some sleep.” Both Rachel and Emily moved to the babies, gave them kisses on their foreheads and then left the house.

I stared at the spot they had just vacated hoping and praying they would come back to keep the pressure of Charlie’s presence far away.  If they were here Charlie wouldn’t feel the need to grill me about whatever he wanted.  He most likely wanted to know where I was but who really knew what he wanted.

I finished burping Charlotte and decided that I would change and dress her for bed.  That way I could maybe put her and her sister to bed a bit early and get the sleep I so desperately needed.  I dropped to the floor pulled the duffel bag and diaper to me and pulled out what I needed.   I plopped her down and began undressing her.

“Bells what are you doing?” Charlie asked still standing but now burping Jules.

“I’m getting her dressed for bed, that way I can put them to bed a bit earlier tonight.”  I said as I finished snapping the snaps on Charlotte’s pajamas.  I then placed her in the carrier next to the play pen with the pacifier in her mouth.  I began picking up all the babies things and putting them in the duffel bag so that I could wash them later.  I then when to Charlie and took Jules from him and changed and dressed her for bed as well.  Once she was secured in her car seat I stood and turned to Charlie who was looking at me but he remained silent.

I grabbed the two dirty diaper and dirty bottles and marched into the kitchen.  If I was supposed to go out with Emily, Kim, and Rachel I was going to need a lot of bottles considering I had no clue how long I was going to be gone.  I washed all the dirty bottles sitting on the kitchen counter and then grabbed the baby blanket that was draped over on the chairs.  I sat down, covered up and began pumping.  There was only problem, with nothing really to do while I waited for the bottles to fill I had nothing to occupy my mind.  For what felt like the hundredth time since Jacob stood up and walked away from me, I replayed my conversation with him.  I think I did more harm to him than Edward did to me, I didn’t want to believe that Jacob or anyone would have to endure that pain but the sound of his voice and the images it brought was too much for me not to think that he didn’t feel that amount of pain and heartache.  Now I just prayed that it wouldn’t take as long as it took me to heal.  I knew I needed to leave these thoughts alone for now, they weren’t doing me any good if I wanted to sleep in the next week I would have to leave them for now and deal with them later when I wasn’t so emotional or tired.

I had thankfully filled seven bottles and after cleaning and covering up I put them all in the fridge.  I figured I would still have to pump before we left in the morning to make sure I brought enough along.  As I was turning around after closing the refrigerator door I noticed that Charlie was standing in the doorway slightly leaning against the frame.  He just stood looking at me with a blank expression.  I stood for a moment waiting for him to speak.  When he didn’t I sighed and made my way to the stove to see what Emily made for me and Charlie.

I lifted the lid and inhaled the amazing scent wafting from the pot.  Glancing down it looked to be a stew; I grasped the large spoon sitting on the stove top and stirred noticing root veggies and bits of meat. Umm, Emily’s beef stew, yeah it was July but right now I didn’t care I could use some comfort food and this stew would do the trick.  I’d have to thank her tomorrow.  Grabbing a bowl out the cupboard and a spoon out of the drawer I filled my bowl heaping full and sat at the table to relish in a meal I didn’t have to cook myself.  Silently Charlie pushed off from the doorway and followed my lead and filled a bowl of stew too, sat next to me and began eating as well.  We remained eating in silence through both Charlie and I’s second helpings.  Once finished I turned the stove off and put the leftovers in a container in the fridge, there was enough for Charlie to have tomorrow for lunch and maybe lunch the next day. 

I filled the sink with hot water, soap and dirty dishes as I began washing Charlie interrupted my attempt at distraction.

“Bella, can you please come here and talk to me?”  I stopped washing and made my way back to my chair and plopped down.

“What do you want to talk about dad?”
            “Are you okay Bella, I mean the way you looked and…he didn’t…and you’ve…ugh.” I stopped him before he could continue his uncomfortable thoughts.

“Dad, I’m okay.  I mean considering I’ve been back a little over a day and I’ve had some of the most painful and intense confrontations of my life and I’m now the butt of many jokes around town and it’s not going to get any better anytime soon.  Considering I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since I left and until my girls learn what sleeping at night is I won’t be getting one.  I just know that the next few months are going to be really bad and I feel like I’m stuffing all the bad into a few days.  I’m burning the candle at both ends but once it goes out I’m going to have to keep going because I have two little girls that depend on me for everything and right now I have no way to make sure they get everything they need.  So if I take everything in to consideration, I’m doing pretty well because really I should be overcome with countless panic attacks.” I placed my elbows on the table and roughly ran my hands through my disheveled curls, thanks to the wind that was coming of the ocean off La Push.  I had vented just a little of what I was bottling up and if I released anymore I was going to fall apart, so I relocked it all back up. Charlie wasn’t going to get much more out of me.  Right now vegging in front of the TV with the babies till it was their bed time seemed ideal.

“You’re right…”Charlie began.  Huh, about what? “You’ve been doing this by yourself since the beginning and I have a feeling right now that Jake needs his space or you need your space from him.  You got a lot on your plate and it’s just going to get fuller.  How about you head to bed early and I take care of the girls tonight and for the overnight, that gives you a chance to sleep and a break from all this responsibility.”  I openly gaped at him, speechless.  I didn’t expect this and I felt bad.  He shouldn’t be doing this, they were my children.  The fact that I was so exhausted though made his offer seem idyllic.

“Dad, no, there’s no need for that. They’re my responsibility not yours and they can be a hand full at night, and you have a full day of work tomorrow. I’m just going shopping; I can sleep on the way there and back.  I’ll just hang out in the living room with them till it gets closer to their bed time and then I’ll put them down, I might get an hour or two more of  sleep that way.”

“Bella, I wasn’t suggesting. I’m telling you I’m taking care of the girls tonight and you’re going to go up to bed and get a full night of sleep. Now go get ready and head to bed, no arguing.”  The tone of his voice meant it was pointless to argue, but I still felt bad.

“Fine I won’t argue with you, I can see it’s pointless.  Thank you, I have plenty of bottles for them and the diapers are in the bag by the couch.  They tend to get up every two to three hours until it gets closer to morning then it’s like four.  If you need help with anything don’t be afraid to come get me, I can handle a lack of sleep.”  I was silently very grateful he was doing this, I just hoped the nightmares stayed at bay, the last time I had a long stretch of sleep that lasted more than four hours, I awoke screaming waking my babies up in the process and they were so freaked they hadn’t calmed down for hours.

“Good to know, now get your butt upstairs and get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.  Night Bells, love you.” He effectively ended our conversation and forced me to go up to bed at the same time.

“Thanks dad, I love you too, so much.” I walked over to him wrapped my arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, he blushed deep red.

“Goodnight.”  I walked out of the kitchen and went to my baby girls.  I unbuckled Charlotte, picked her up, hugged her, placed kisses on both her cheeks, and placed her back in her carrier, replacing the pacifier back in her mouth.  I did the same to Juliana.  Then I went to the stairs and slowly climbed them.

Slowly, I made my way to my room and stood in the doorway and just stared.  The previous times I had been here I hadn’t stopped to look around.  When I had left I mostly took my clothes and not much else, save for a picture or two of Jake.  Now, looking around my ghost like room it seemed like I had never really left.  There were papers still strewn on my desk that I had left.  My bed was still unmade, one of Jake’s basket ball shorts poked out from under my bed, one of t-shirts hung off my rocking chair, the one I had stole for pajamas not long after we had become intimate.  Those items made me ache in more ways than one but what made me ache the most were all the pictures of Jake and me and our friends all over my room.  How I longed to go back to those simple days when my biggest problem was if I was going to see Jake or not or what I was making for supper.  My own room was now mocking me for my mistakes.

Pushing away the pain the pictures brought I moved to the shorts and t-shirt.  I shut my bedroom door and changed into them.  Boy was that a dumb idea, they still smelled like Jake.  His scent enveloped me and I missed him more now.  I moved to the window and opened it, wanting some fresh air to remove the heady scent of the man I loved from my room to grant me some respite.  I climbed into bed and soon sleep took me.

I opened my eyes. I was staring out at James Island from First Beach.  It was a rare sunny day and it was neither hot nor cold, a perfect day.  I was reclining on the sand with my arms behind me baring my weight; my toes were digging into the sand reveling in the feel and warmth.  I tipped my head up and closed my eyes absorbing the sunshine.  When I heard a child laughing and running up to me I opened my eyes and turned to the sound.  This child was dressed in a beautiful lilac sundress with no shoes on her tiny feet; her long black hair was in two beautiful pigtails full of ringlets.  She had a million watt smile as she ran up to me laughing “Mommy, Mommy.”  I got to my feet as she came up to me.  She excitedly wrapped her arms around my legs in a fierce hug.

“Hi baby, where’s your sister?” I asked my daughter, awed by her joy and beauty.  She was so much like her father, she was glowing, her gap toothed smile making the sunny day pale in comparison.  She turned to look out at the ocean and then turned to look up at me.  In that instant the sunny day turned a dark gray, the look of an approaching storm.  Her eyes held a sadness that made my heart break.  What had happened, she was so happy a moment ago?

“Charlotte baby, what’s wrong, where’s your sis-?” My question was stopped as I saw her whip her head away from my gaze to look to my left down the beach.  I followed her gaze to see Jacob walking pointedly to us, his eyes fixed on me.  When he was several paces away, Charlotte moved to him.  He bent over and picked her up.  When my eyes met his, I realized they were filled with sadness and sorrow.  My heart clenched. I knew what he was going to say and I dropped my head.

“Bella I’m so sorry, I...I promised you this wouldn’t happen, but I was wrong.  It’s just happened. I couldn’t look-. And so…I just looked at her once and I’m so sorry but we can’t…I can’t.”  I snapped my head up and standing behind Jacob was the most beautiful Quileute woman I had ever seen.  Her long raven locks fell straight to her lower waist while she looked at Jacob with love filled onyx eyes.  Her bronzed skin glowed as a small smile played on her lips.  She walked up to him and he placed my daughter in her arms and threw his arm around her shoulders.  My knees gave out and a wail left my quivering lips.  He had im-…But he had promised me he wouldn’t, that he couldn’t and he still did. And now I was all alone.  Not only had she taken him from me she was taking my child to. 

“Where...where is Jules?” I sobbed out.  His eyes hardened and I knew. I knew and a more painful wail, a sob that no longer sounded human came from my chest.  I knew and now I had nothing or no one.

I bolted awake.  I had the pillow pulled tightly to my face to muffle my scream.  As soon as the scream ended I continued bawling.  The pain of that dream, a dream I had had repeatedly in the last two months cut through me.  I tried to calm down, relax my breathing.  I took large gasping breaths.  I wiped my face of tears.  I collected my thoughts and glanced around my room.  My window was still open but I was a sweaty blubbering mess.  How with my window open had I gotten so hot? Well, it seemed that there was no breeze blowing into my room as my whole room still smelled… of Jacob?  At that realization the images from my dream came flooding back.  I pushed them away, refusing to believe that they could happen.  I laid back down, my breaths calmer.  I was relaxing and I was trying to go back to sleep. Within moments I fell back into a dreamless sleep for the last few hours of my night.

I woke to a bit of sun peaking through my open window.  I was much cooler than when I had woken from my nightmare.  I felt more refreshed than I had in a long time.  I sat up and stretched.  I climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to shower.  If Charlie was downstairs watching the girls I was going to take advantage and take a nice, long, relaxing shower.  I washed my hair and myself.  Once done, I climbed out, walked to the mirror taking in my reflection.  I still didn’t look too hot.  My pallor was still tinged ashen and I still had deep, dark circles under my eyes but thankfully, I looked better than I had last night.  My eyes were no longer ringed or filled with red.  The swelling was gone and I was thankfully snot free.  I brushed my hair and then made my way to my bedroom to get dressed in the last outfit I had in Forks.

I walked down the stairs as silently as possible, hopefully the babies would sleep a bit longer.  Long enough for me to pump and eat some breakfast.  I peeked into the living room to see Charlie sleeping on his back with Charlotte sleeping on his chest.  I tiptoed into the living room and pulled the camera from the diaper bag, snapping several pictures of the two. 

I pulled the three empty and clean bottles from the diaper bag and put the camera back.  I grabbed the four bottles that Charlie had used last night and cleaned them.  I sat at the table, covered myself, and began filling the bottles. I didn’t know if I could fill all seven but I hoped. There was still three in the fridge and if I filled all seven I would have enough till this evening without pumping till after we got back from shopping.  Thankfully, I filled all seven and placed them in the fridge.  Then I started on breakfast.  I figured omelets were good enough.  I didn’t want anything other than eggs and they were more substantial than scrambled or over easy.  Once I had two done, for both me and Charlie I made my way back into the living room.  I saw Charlie was awake and he had the silliest smile on his face looking at Charlotte.  I giggled and moved to pick her up so he could eat.  Once I got her in my arms I clutched her to my chest, the remnants of the nightmare drifting away.  She stirred a little and then settled again after moving her fisted had up to my chest and her head turned to the side. 

I settled at the kitchen table with Charlotte still clutched to my chest, I ate quietly enjoying the simplicity of my morning.  My babies were sleeping, I had enough milk for them for the day, I had had a fairly decent night of sleep and Charlie had some time to bond with his grandbabies.

“You look better Bells, sleep did you some good.”  I just nodded my head and continued chewing.

“How were they last night? I hope they didn’t give you too much trouble.”  I was fearful they were difficult for him, considering I had four empty bottles this morning they had to wake at least twice last night which was normal for them.

“They went to bed on time after a diaper change and they woke up twice last night.  I didn’t know that if one woke up the other was soon to follow. You were right they are a handful. I have to hand it to you Bells; you do it with so much ease.  You make taking care of the twins look so effortless, they are a lot of work, you do a good job.  You’re a great mom.”  Charlie said

I had tears welling in my eyes, I didn’t know what to say.  He sounded proud; proud of his unwed, nineteen year old daughter, who was a mother of two. What he said made me feel less like a disappointment.

“Thanks dad, that means a lot.  I’m sorry you have to put up with all my mistakes, I’ve put you through a lot since I move here and you’ve handled most of it pretty well. I’m so glad you’re my dad and I’m so glad I moved back here in spite of all the drama.”  I meant all of that.  Yes, moving back here wasn’t my favorite idea and I had been through hell almost from the moment I arrived but had I not moved here I wouldn’t have this great relationship with my dad, something I missed desperately while I was away in California.

“I’m happy you came back too kid, just. You can’t run again Bella, no matter what.  This old man can’t take it again.  If you ever get so overwhelmed that it feels like you need to leave please for peat’s sake come to me and talk.” Charlie beseeched.

“I know dad, no more running, you’re stuck with me for good. I’m not leaving Forks again.  It was hell being away it’s not something I ever want to go through again.  So if I ever feel that I’m overwhelmed, I will come to you, promise.” I tried to mollify him.

“Ok kid, I need to go up and get ready for work, you need any help with the babies or do you have it covered?”

“I got it dad, I’ve been doing this alone from the beginning and if one cries then so be it, till I get them ready for the day.  By the way what time did they have their last bottle?”

“Uh, I think it was sometime around five.  They sucked those bottles down like they were starving wolves; they really are their father’s daughters.”  My eyes widened a bit before I forced them to look normal.

“Yeah they’ve had a healthy appetite from the beginning. I think the doctor said they put on like four pounds in their first month.  He said that I might have to start supplementing my milk with formula if I can’t keep up with their hunger.”

“Yeah, well, I should go up and get ready for work now.”  With that Charlie fled.

I chuckled and then made my way to the fridge to grab two bottles.  I began to warm them when I heard Juliana whimper from the living room.  I let her be until I knew the bottles were ready.  I was thankful my babies were as calm as they were.  They never cried a lot, never were too terribly cranky.  They were genuinely happy babies.  I don’t know what I would do if they were cranky or fussy babies because they were already a handful.  I made my way into the living room and set the bottles on the couch side table.  Charlotte was still slumbering in my arms but I knew that with her sister awake it wouldn’t be long until she woke up as well.  With my one working hand I grabbed one carrier and set it on the couch so that I could place Charlotte carefully inside, hoping I wouldn’t force her awake with my movements.  Once she was secured I moved to the play pen to see Juliana laying there wide awake just looking up at the ceiling.

I picked her up and cooed to her.  After my dream last night it felt good to have her in my arms and know where she was.  To know she was safe and happy made me feel comforted and the fears my dream brought were appeased.  I marched back to the couch, took my spot and laid her on my lap.  I looked over at Charlotte and noticed she was now awake.  I was amazed my babies were so calm, usually they whimpered and whined more in the mornings.  I grabbed one bottle and gave it to Charlotte.  While I held that bottle up for her I reached for the other and gave it to Juliana.  They drank greedily and soon they were done.  I replaced Charlotte’s bottle with her pacifier so that I could burp Juliana with both arms free.  I finished burping Jules and put her in her carrier with her pacifier and went to burp Charlotte.  She let out a loud belch as Charlie came down the stairs.

“Bells, I’m off to the station have fun shopping with the girls.”  He came up to me and handed me a wad of cash.  I looked up at him with my brows furrowed and confusion in my eyes.

“What…Dad…What?” I asked still very confused

“For clothes and things, I noticed you didn’t bring much stuff with you and that means you’ll need clothes and baby things.  I figure you didn’t have much money with you so I figured I’d help out some.  And no you can’t complain and say I didn’t need to do it, you’ll take this money and spend it.  Now close your mouth and just accept the money, okay?”

“Thanks Dad.” I said defeated.  He chuckled and walked out the door.

I figured now was a good time to get the babies ready for the day.  I grabbed a matching outfit for each girl and I began to change their diapers and clothes.  Once they were dressed I cleaned out and repacked the diaper bag for the day.  I filled the cooled compartment with the remaining bottles in the fridge and made sure that my purse was in the bag as well.  I zipped it closed and placed it on the couch next to me.

Just as I sat down I heard a knock at the door.  Figuring it was Emily and Rachel I headed to the door.  When I opened it I was surprised.  It wasn’t who I was expecting and the look on his face made me flood with panic instantly.

“Oh, god she came back here already didn’t she, Sam?”  Worry filled me.  Worry for the safety of my babies but also for the wolves that would have to hunt her down.  I knew that the wolves were capable of fighting vampires; they had proven their strength to me again and again but that didn’t mean they were invincible.  I was on edge and I just wanted to be safe, but I wouldn’t be until Victoria was gone from my life for good.  I wondered if my life would ever be normal.  I just stood at the door staring expectantly at Sam waiting for him to drop the anvil of bad news, waiting for my bad week to get worse.

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