Chapter Text
Levi was having one of those days. Those days where nothing seems to go right. He had a bit of a shock earlier that day when he realized it had been nearly ten years since that rainy day in October when he’d been busy preening about his aesthetic. He aesthetic nowadays was jeans and a shirt that might have baby spit-up on it. Wait. It definitely had baby spit-up on it. He sighed and grabbed a towel to dab at it. Angelo was still sniffling. Honestly? The kid cried over anything. Today he had asked to go to ballet with his sister and when Levi told him he wasn’t old enough yet, then came the waterworks. And Oliver had been so fussy earlier. Levi felt caged and needed to get out of the house.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to take them, Mr. Ackerman?” Kimmy asked.
Kimmy was a lifesaver of a nanny who usually picked up Sofia from Pre-K and took her to ballet while Levi worked from home but today for some stupid reason he decided he would pick her up. It had already gone to shit and he wasn’t even out the door yet.
“Remy. Remy, let’s go. Hey!” Levi gave a sharp whistle and the stupid dog jumped up.
The dog. Sawney hadn’t been quite right since the move to Rose and passed sometime after they adopted Oliver. Bean never came out anymore without his sister, choosing instead to hide in the closet, just a pair of golden eyes. Eren’s response to his grief had been to go out and bring home a dog which was so painfully Eren that it made Levi grind his teeth. Eren’s job took him traveling so who looked after the dog on a daily basis? Who picked up its shit? Not Eren! That had been a row. Levi decided that if they were stuck with the dog (Sofia loved him so much) then he would be the best behaved dog on the planet. And he was. Mostly. When it came to squirrels all bets were off.
“Thanks Kimmy, I have it,” Levi said pulling the stroller and the dog leash all out the door.
She gave him a pitying look before the door closed. Wow really? Had Eren told her?
Levi sighed.
October in Rose was brisk and chilly. Somedays Levi thought he missed all the rain of Sina, compared to all the snow Rose got. He zipped up Angelo’s coat.
“Ouch Papa!” Angelo sniffed.
“Why ouch?” Levi asked.
“My…’in,” he pointed, tears brimming in his eyes.
“Did Pap pinch your chin in the zipper?”
Angelo nodded, bottom lip wobbling.
“Aw, I’m sorry. Do you want Papa to kiss it?”
Angelo’s answer was to dissolve into snotty hysterics.
“He’s just like me at that age.” Eren shrugged it off.
“He cries all the time, Eren.”
It’s just a phase, he’ll grow out of it.”
Levi hoped so. Angelo decided he didn’t want to sit in the stroller so Levi looped the dog leash around the stroller and pushed it along, holding Angelo’s hand as he hopped on every crunchy leaf.
“Sofia!” Levi called her over and she caught him hard around the middle.
Her socks were around her ankles again. He sighed and fixed them. And she had taken out the braids he had put in last night.
“Here, c’mere, let me fix your hair. Hey, hold still. Sofia, hold still.”
He waved at Sofia’s teacher and tried to put the curls up in a bun for dance. The instructor was very strict about it. Sofia’s teacher walked over and really that was the last thing he needed.
“Hello Mrs. Iverson,” Levi said finishing Sofia’s hair.
“Ow Papa, too tight!” Sofia complained.
“Hello Mr. Ackerman! And hello Angelo!”
“Sorry angel, I’ll fix it,” Levi said, loosening the hair tie.
“Sofia has gotten a lot better at listening but she still needs to learn to be quiet and respectful when the teacher is talking.”
“Yes, we’re working on it.”
“Also Mr. Jaeger did phone the school…”
Great here we go.
“…So we know about your…situation and please keep us updated.”
“Will do,” Levi said brusquely.
Eren was a favorite with the teachers. Levi…not so much.
“See you Monday, Sofia!” Mrs. Iverson said, bending down to talk to her. “And nice to see you Angelo! You’re getting so big! Soon you’ll be in my class!”
Wrong words.
There was a small hitch and then Angelo dissolved into tears.
“Bye!” Levi waved, ushering the two of them along.
“I don don don wan spool!” Angelo sobbed into Levi’s shoulder.
Then it was ballet. Levi learned the hard way that dads, while not expressly forbidden, were discouraged from entering the dressing rooms at the studio after one woman called him a pervert. So now they changed in the cramped bathroom.
“Okay, can you put your shoes on by yourself?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
“Hey! Hey! Sofia, come here,” Levi said, catching her before she sprinted off. “Now I want you to try harder to listen to Miss Peterson, okay?”
“But she’s mean!” Sofia stomped a pink slipper.
“I know but treat her like you would me or Daddy or Kimmy or Mrs. Iverson, okay?”
“Papa I have to go!” she whined, looking at the shiny mirrors of the dance class.
“Hey, promise me you’ll listen?”
“Yes.”
“Give me kiss.”
She gave him a peck and joined all the other little bunheads.
“You’ve got the whole family today, I see,” said Joan, a parent of one of the other students, looking out at Remy who was whining at the glass window.
“All but Oliver.”
“How is the baby?”
Levi could hear Sofia’s voice, loud already in the small studio.
“The baby is…quiet,” he said truthfully.
She laughed appreciatively. Contrary to the teachers, the dance moms loved Levi. He didn’t quite understand why. Sofia began quacking like a duck much to the amusement of her friends even as the instructor asked for quiet.
“Sofia,” Levi reminded her with his sternest face and she whipped her head back to the teacher.
“She’s doing better,” Joan complimented.
Levi watched as Sofia went right back to chatting animatedly in her friends ear.
“Sofia,” Levi reminded again.
She bounded up next to him and in a stage whisper said, “Papa, I have to pee.”
“Pee? You just got your leotard on.”
“Papa I have to take a piss!”
“Hey that’s not how we say that,” Levi admonished, knowing full well she’d probably overheard him one day and cringed inwardly.
They struggled to get the ensemble off and then back on and she ran out before fully rinsing the soap from her hands.
“Snaps,” advised Joan.
“Huh?”
“Cut the crotch and then sew on some snaps so she can unsnap them easily to tinkle.”
“Oh.” Levi blinked. “Thank…you.”
“Hey I met your husband last week and he told me about what you’re going through. And I just want you to know we’re praying for you and if you two need some time alone we can always watch the kids.”
Levi shrank way from her attention.
“Thanks but Eren’s sister is flying in tonight,” Levi found his tongue and suddenly he was angry.
Had Eren honestly told everyone?
Remy whined again outside and Angelo burst into tears.
“Emy ‘ad,” he sniffled.
Joan looked to Levi for translation.
“Remy is sad,” Levi explained.
And probably also had to take a dump.
“C’mon let’s go,” Levi said, pulling on Angelo’s hand and the dog’s leash.
Remy did his business and Levi tossed it in the garbage. A little bit of sun peeked out behind a cloud and it started to look like a nice day. Pushing Angelo on the swings he thought he felt his sour mood lifting. And Angelo only cried once at the park when Levi tried to stop him eating a woodchip. That was also something Eren would have probably done as a child. Levi felt a nice moment of calm just then, as if things might actually get better.
They swung back by the studio and picked Sofia up. Joan reminded him of her offer and Levi lied when he promised he’d think about it. So there, in the sunny afternoon all walking together, Levi felt a small note of pride for how well they were behaving.
That was until a squirrel ran in front of their path.
“Remy! Remy no!”
But Remy was already gone, dragging the stroller behind him, Sofia and Angelo chasing after him giggling. They turned the corner and for a moment Levi couldn’t see them and his heart leapt in panic. They had all fallen into a large pile of mud. Remy was rolling in it as Sofia splashed all over her new tights and Angelo sat in the muck.
That fucking dog.
<*>
Getting them home and into the house was one issue, getting them into the tub was another. Remy first ran around the house tracking mud before Levi could put him in the bathroom. Then once Levi had the kids in the tub, the dog jumped in with them, much to the kid’s delight. Then he had them dry and sitting up on the stools, Angelo in his booster seat. Kim gave them snacks while Levi wrestled the dog back into the tub. He hadn’t even noticed Kimmy had gone home until he heard Eren’s voice on the baby monitor as he finished toweling off the dog.
Really?
“I just put him down for a nap before I left,” Levi snapped from the doorway.
“He was fussing and I missed the big guy,” Eren said, bouncing Oliver.
Levi’s sour expression didn’t crack.
“Hi,” Eren said, leaning to give him a kiss on the cheek. Levi dodged the gesture. “What’s wrong?”
He placed Oliver back in the crib.
“Your fucking dog ran straight into the mud and got the kids filthy and tracked shit everywhere and I’m busy trying to clean this place for your sister’s visit and—“
“Mikasa is coming to help out so we can have a little alone time.” He put his hands on Levi’s shoulders. “She’s not going to care if there’s a mess.”
“Well I care.”
“I know but—“
“And how many people did you tell?”
“What?”
“You told Sofia’s teacher, Kimmy, Joan at dance?”
“Which one is Joan?”
“Dark hair, greying? Four kids, three daughters and one son.”
“Ahhh, Northface Mom.”
“Did you ever think that I wouldn’t want to tell people?”
“Why wouldn’t I tell people? Why wouldn’t you want people to know?”
“It’s embarrassing! And humiliating! I can’t stand all of their pitying looks. I hate it Eren! We haven’t even told the kids and now you’ve told complete strangers?”
“I want to tell the kids, you’re the one who doesn’t!”
“Because what purpose would it serve? It’s just going to scare and confuse them. They’re too young to understand!”
“Look, I really don’t want to fight right now,” Eren said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Can we just—“
“I’m taking a nap,” Levi interrupted him, leaving the room and the conversation.
He woke a half hour later to Eren and the kids wrestling with the dog and the baby crying on the monitor.
“You woke the baby,” he said, passing a tangle of limbs in the living room. Eren went back to barking softly and tickling the kids, blowing raspberries on Angelo’s tummy. Levi closed the nursery door behind him. For a moment there was quiet.
He wondered briefly if he had known three months ago what he knew now if they would have adopted Oliver. He was a cute baby with different parents than Sofia and Angelo. Sofia and Angelo’s mother was in prison and had long signed off custody. Oliver had been born with a cleft palate and already had two surgeries. When they first brought him home Sofia said he had the “cutest smile” she’d ever seen and the memory warmed his heart. From what Levi gleaned from the grandparents, Oliver’s mother had either overdosed or died in a car accident, it was hard to determine which and Levi didn’t press. Levi still took Oliver to visit them. Both were elderly and infirm and Levi watched them like a hawk when they tried to pick up their grandson with shaking hands. Often, Levi put Oliver in the carseat and they simply rocked him, content to spend time with him while Levi cleaned their house. He knew it wasn’t expected of him, they weren’t his grandparents after all, but he felt a sense of obligation. They didn’t say anything about having a stranger or a gay couple raise their grandchild. Levi thought they were relieved that he was looked after.
Levi picked up the baby and changed his diaper. God Levi was tired. So tired. Just every day was so exhausting. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He could feel his depression lurking in the corners of his mind and he just wanted to crawl back in bed. He didn’t find himself craving a drink, which was some relief, but the idea that he might sent a spark of anxiety through him. He lost time feeding the baby, too busy with his thoughts.
“I’m leaving to pick up Mikasa,” Eren told him and Levi jumped.
“Right. Hanji is going to be here soon.”
Hanji brought dinner from the nice Italian restaurant and Levi felt relieved. He just didn’t have any motivation or energy to make dinner.
“How are you feeling?” Hanji asked.
“Like shit.”
She grabbed him in a hug and he begrudgingly accepted it.
“Eren told everyone already,” Levi said bitterly.
His phone buzzed.
[Erwin:] Good luck tomorrow!
Levi frowned and didn’t respond, instead pocketing his phone.
“Where’s my little monsters?” Mikasa asked stepping through the door.
Sofia and Angelo ran at her screaming excitedly.
“Oh I missed you!” Mikasa said, peppering them with kisses.
“Where’s Uncle Armin?” Sofia asked. “I drew him a picture.” She held up a drawing of Armin as a dinosaur.
“He’s flying in later, you’ll be asleep,” Mikasa said. “But you can show it to him tomorrow.” She struggled to her feet.
“Jesus, Mikasa, should you be traveling? You’re huge.”
“Doctor cleared me,” she shrugged. “Hey Levi.”
He gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“How are you feeling?” she asked kindly.
He didn’t answer, but she accepted that as its own reply.
Mikasa and Armin never married. Levi suspected if they did, he and Eren would find out on Facebook a week or two after the event. It just wasn’t important to them. Mikasa saved enough to buy out the cafe building, no longer leasing the space and she and Armin lived above it. She was also very pregnant and the sight was a little unnerving.
And Sofia had noticed. She pointed at Mikasa’s belly during dinner.
“The baby is in there?” she asked carefully.
“Yup.”
“I know how!” Sofia stated proudly standing on her chair and putting her hands on her hips.
“Down please,” Levi requested.
“Do you now?” Eren asked in amusement.
“Yes,” Sofia said, plopping back down in the seat as her brother picked up rotini noodles in his chubby fingers. “A daddy puts his penis in a mommy’s vagina and then you have a baby!”
Levi aspirated his water and Eren choked. Then a stunned silence fell.
“Jenny’s mommy told us,” Sofia said proudly.
“And she’s right although it should be noted that not all mommies have vaginas and not all daddies have penises—“
“Hanji,” Eren made a cutting motion.
“I’ll explain it to you later!” Hanji chirped, waving it off.
Levi was already up from the table.
“One second—“ Eren ran after him.
“Levi what are you doing?”
“I’m looking for Jenny’s Mommy’s number to give that bitch a piece of my mind,” Levi said punching the numbers in angrily.
“Here, give—give me that—hi! Hi Chelsea. I’m doing great, thank you! Yup. Yes. Tomorrow is the big day. He’s doing…well.”
“Speakerphone—“ Levi hissed trying to take the phone from him. “Speakerphone! Put it on speakerphone!”
“Actually, he’s a little upset and I am too, uh, because Sofia just told us something about—right—uh huh.”
Levi put his ear up against the back of the receiver to hear better.
“She just seemed a little confused about the whole birds and the bees thing so I gave her a quick lesson—“
“Well I understand, but you can see why my husband and I would prefer to have that conversation ourselves—“
“I just thought it might help if it came from a woman. You know, girl to girl.”
“Your access to a vagina does not trump my rights as a parent!” Levi shouted as Eren attempted to mute the mic.
“Well in the future, if Sofia has any questions I’d prefer you to tell us about them and we’ll address it at home. How’s Dave? Haha, that’s right I forgot about that—“
Levi grabbed it.
“Thanks for nothing, Chelsea!” Levi snapped and hung up.
“That was rude,” Eren chastised.
“I just saved you from twenty minutes of golf talk,” Levi snapped heading back to dinner.
Eren sighed.
<*>
“So it’s a pretty common procedure, right?”
“Yeah and success rates are really high.”
“So after this?” Mikasa asked. “What’s next?”
“Uh…hopefully nothing. If it’s successful then we don’t need to start radiation or chemo or anything.”
“But that’s good!”
“Yeah the doctors think he has a really good chance of beating it.”
Eren kept holding his hand and Levi realized this must be quite the flashback for him.
He excused himself to the bedroom and looked at himself in the mirror sighing. Those tired eyebags were only getting worse. And the silver in his hair was more pronounced.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to put Eren and Mikasa through the same disease that killed their mother—to make them watch it sneak in and grab him. And all Levi had wanted was to be there for the kids like his parents had been unable to do. He paced their bedroom feeling smaller and smaller as he tried to control his breathing. He slapped a Kleenex box off their dresser and then knocked off a few pill bottles. He kicked at the bed and punched a pillow. Fuck he was having a fucking meltdown. How many meltdowns is one person allowed in their lifetime? Levi felt his life was either slowly recovering from one breakdown or heading towards another. Just when he felt he really had his life together, life threw him another curveball. He hadn’t felt this lost since before the move to Rose from Sina. He kicked the bed once more and rubbed at his neck only to feel Eren’s hands slip around his waist. He jerked out of the touch.
“It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair. I did everything right! I quit smoking! I quit drinking! I work out every day and for what? For what Eren? I made every right choice and sure there were a lot of wrong ones, but fuck…what was the point of anything? And it’s humiliating because I feel like my own body is betraying me and for a long time it’s all I had to rely on and now…”
“I know,” Eren said pulling him close and resting his chin on Levi’s shaking head.
“What if things go wrong tomorrow?” Levi asked. “What if they put me under and I just don’t wake up? It happens all the time. The surgery is routine, but people die from anesthesia.”
The idea of not being able to face what killed him and just slipping away in his sleep had kept him up more than one night in the past and his insomnia had been so bad that he felt like a ghost pacing the hallways, looking in on the children sleeping, checking to make sure the baby was lying on his back, then slumping into a chair and tangling his fingers in the dog’s fur until morning.
“Levi…”
“What if you think I’m ugly?” Levi asked, his voice quiet.
Eren nearly laughed at that.
“Don’t—“ Levi cut him off. “What if you don’t find me as attractive with one testicle?”
“It’ll just make me love the other one all the more,” Eren promised.
“I’m serious, Eren.”
“I am too! And…I love you, Levi, but your balls were never your most attractive feature. I don’t care about that, I just want you here with me and the kids. I want you healthy and home.”
“What if the cancer comes back and they have to operate and remove the other one?”
Eren snorted. “I will still love you. And besides, if it bothers you that much we can look at prosthetics.”
“What if they hit a nerve down there and I can’t get it up ever again?”
Eren was silent for a moment.
“Then good thing you’re so talented with that mouth,” he quipped.
“And what if after all of that, no balls, impotent, what if it’s still not enough? What if…” Levi’s shoulders slumped at the thought.
“Then,” said Eren, pulling away and tucking his fingers under Levi’s chin. “I’ll get you a nice tombstone. ‘Here lies Levi Ackerman, boy he had a brass pair.’”
Levi snorted and wiped at his eyes. Eren nudged him and Levi looked toward the door. Sofia was peeking through the crack, her brown eyes wide and sucking anxiously on her thumb.
“Hey angel,” Levi said, pushing open the door.
She was scared at being caught out of bed and eavesdropping.
“Are you and Daddy fighting?” she asked.
“No baby we’re not.”
“Are you going to get a divorce?”
Levi gave Eren an alarmed expression.
“Missy’s mommy and daddy are getting a divorce,” Sofia sniffed and then that sniff turned into sobbing and Levi could see Angelo poking his head out of his door down the hallway. Eren sighed and went to go get him. Levi had to rock Sofia until she calmed.
“Remember when you fell off the swings and had to go to the doctor to get stitches? Well Papa is sick and is going to the doctor tomorrow to get it fixed.”
“Like Mackenzie?” Sofia asked.
Eren didn’t know who that was.
“Her schoolmate who had an appendicitis,” Levi quickly explained. “Yes, just like Mackenzie.”
“Here why don’t you give Papa a kiss and wish him good luck tomorrow?” Eren said, patting Angelo’s butt and he clambered over to put his little arms around Levi’s neck.
“Love you Papa, Love you Daddy.”
<*>
“So you’re going to come out of it and be a little foggy. You had said you had a bad reaction with pain meds previously?”
“Yeah they apparently confused me with a 300lb Samoan man and I started hallucinating.”
“Well we’ll start you on this after surgery but after a few days you shouldn’t need anything stronger than Vicodin.”
“That fast, huh?” Levi grumbled.
“I’ll be here when you get out, okay?” Eren said.
He didn’t remember much after that. Bright lights and voices but the first thing that felt real, that felt tangible was Eren.
“There you are.”
“Here I am.”
<*>
A month later he was officially in remission. He still felt as if there were a sneaking shadow looming over his shoulder but the relief outweighed his cancer scare. Mikasa and Armin stayed with them for two weeks and then went back home to Sina. The baby came two months later.
Today they were trying to make it to the marina. It was a bright sunshiny day and Levi had spent a good forty-five minutes trying to put sunblock on two moving targets. Eren was trying to get some last minute work done as they stepped out the door and then he swore he was “almost done” as they descended into the subway. Eren went ahead with Sofia while Levi moved the stroller into the elevator with Angelo and Oliver.
“Well I understand—John—John. John she’s got a wonderful voice—yes—but she’s not mature enough. Look—look—she needs more training. You know what happens to artists who don’t have enough training? They bug out their pipes and have to have vocal cord surgery. I’m not saying that she’s not talented enough. I just think she needs a few more years—“
Eren stopped suddenly as the busker on the platform started in on his set.
“And I just—and I—really?” he asked as the long haired man increased the tempo and volume. “Do you mind?”
Sofia giggled and began dancing in front of his hat swaying her yellow sundress side to side.
“I am going to set you up with a—no it’s on my end. It’s this street performer—really dude?”
“Hey man, just enjoy the music, your kid is.”
Eren sighed and dropped a fiver in.
“Please give me like thirty seconds—“
“My silence can’t be bought!” the artist raged and played louder.
“John I am on my way to a day on the water with my kids and husband, can we talk about this later? I’ve got the number of a great vocal coach that I think your daughter would really benefit from. Right. Thank you.” He hung up. “Wow you couldn’t give me just one minute?”
“Hey look, I’m a serious business man who ignores my kids and my wife. I’m a guy who puts my kid on a leash!” the busker mocked.
“Hey fuck you buddy! You don’t know me! And the leash is necessary, she keeps trying to run onto the tracks—Sofia. Sofia come here please.”
“I am also a tool who thinks money can solve anything!”
“You know what? I take it back.”
“You—“
“Yup! I’m taking it back. I’m taking back my five dollars. So fuck you.”
“Daddy swear,” Sofia reminded him, tugging on his hand.
“You can’t take it back! That’s theft! THEFT! Help!”
“What’s going on?” Levi asked, finally meeting them.
“This guy is a noise pollution menace—“
“He was stealing from the hard working people of Rose, Mr. Businessman—“
“If I didn’t have my kids with me—“ Eren said hotly, then stopped at Levi’s expression of mirth.
“What?” Eren asked.
“Nothing he just reminds me of you.”
“What?” Eren was insulted. “Uh, I could actually keep tempo.”
“Sure,” Levi said, kissing him as Eren sputtered. “Now give him back his money.”
Eren grumbled and did so also dropping in his business card.
“Wait, Eren Jaeger? Aren’t you that guy who had that song?”
“Yup! Bye!” Eren waved, holding Sofia and Angelo’s hands as they prepared to board their train as Levi bounced Oliver.
“Wait!” said the busker, grabbing his change and gear and quickly following them right before the doors closed.
Life with Eren was never boring, never empty, and sure there were plenty of bad times to follow and just as many good times to come. Levi couldn’t say if he had to do it all over again if he’d do it the same. There were some things he’d definitely do differently. And some things he wouldn’t change no matter how much they hurt. Eren would take the kids out on the sailboat and sometimes Levi got to play captain and steer. Finally he got to be one of the boats with the pretty lights he used to look out at and wonder if one day he’d ever be happy.
And that’s how life was for a while.