Chapter Text
My peaceful slumber was ruined, and it felt like my whole world had been rocked. Literally, I’m being shaken awake.
Of their own accord, my eyes snap open to see the hazy view of Jade leaning over me in her signature pink hoodie, looking annoyed as she chewed a wad of gum, “Hey, wake up already!” She said.
“Damn it, Jade.” I grumped and lifted myself onto my elbows, “What do you want? What time is it?”. She backed away before she grabbed a wad of cloth and threw it at my chest.
“Get dressed, loser, we’re going shopping.” She said and put her hands on her hips, looking sassy as ever, “I need to get my insulin and the damn fridge is empty.”
“I- what? No, Jade, I can’t- We can’t go out, I mean.” I said and sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, “It’s storming out there, and I’m not allowed to go out without Dennis saying-”
“Since when have you given a shit about what Dennis says?” She scoffed, “This is live or die! If I don’t get my insulin, I’ll get sick, and if you don’t get food you’ll waste away!”
I sighed, “Let it be known that I protested, and I do not want to get locked in this room with nothing for a month like last time. ”
“Duly noted.” She said, “Now get dressed.”
“Let me get dressed.” I said, motioning to the door.
She snapped her gum with a smirk, “We’re both girls here, come on. Don’t be shy.”
“I’m not about to strip down in front of you! I don’t care if we’re both girls, it’s embarrassing!”
She rolled her eyes and at least had the decency to turn her back to me, allowing me to take off my current shirt and put on the new clothes. These must be some of Jade’s clothes, as they’re quite baggy on me, but I appreciated them. I’ve longed for the comfort of a hoodie for a long time.
“Okay, you can turn around now.” I sighed and stood up off the bed, making sure everything fit alright while she turned back to me.
“Sorry I didn’t have anything else that fits. I think Dennis is hiding your clothes.” She said, “Maybe sniffing your panties or something.”
Instantly, I was disgusted, “Jade! That’s so gross and wrong!” Yet she just laughed, getting the reaction she wanted.
“I’m just saying! Get your shoes on so we can go.” She said and I grabbed them from the shoe rack. There was only one pair of sneakers, ones that I rarely wore anymore. Slipping them on felt awkward as I had been running around mostly barefooted for most of my stay here.
“Did you take your insulin? Did Dennis take care of the animals?” I asked and she rolled her eyes.
“Yes and yes- can you hurry up already?” She continued to whine and I laced up the shoes on my feet, following her out of the door. This felt like I was sneaking out of the house while the ‘parents’ were asleep.
I used to run away for days on end, pretend that this time, I wouldn’t come back.
One day, I just didn’t come back. I never turned back. Haven’t even heard a word from them since I moved to Philadelphia.
Following Jade through the tunnels, we come to the stairs where she unlocked the door, revealing the sunlight for the first time in a long time.
Stepping out showed tons of leaves on the concrete ground, broken branches, and other such things. The storm had broken, even if for a few hours, but the sky was still thick with rolling clouds that refused to break to even show the slightest hint of the blue sky that must be behind.
There were heavy winds, high in pressure, and everything felt surreal like I was in a waking dream.
“Are you gonna just stand there and looked stunned?” Jade snarked and I snapped back into reality and followed her quickly, jogging for a little bit to catch up to her long gait.
We left through the staff walk-through gate and she locked it behind us, and instead of walking towards the road walked to the employee parking lot, “Do you still know how to drive?”
“Uh, yeah? Why?” I asked and spotted a familiar sight.
My car. It was parked there, in the farthest corner of the parking lot. They kept my car.
“Holy shit.”
She smiled and fumbled with the keyring, taking something off before tossing it to me. I catch it and nearly fumble, but thankfully do not drop it. It’s the key to my car.
“Dennis has been taking care of it, and sometimes Kevin drives it around.” She said and I unlocked the doors with the connected fob and got into the driver side, feeling the vinyl faux-leather of the steering wheel.
It wasn’t dusty, there were no wrappers, and none of the food wrappers that used to litter my floor. The car even had one of those little trees hanging from the rearview mirror. I barely even noticed when she got in and buckled up.
Turning the key showed that it had a three-fourths worth of a tank of gas, more than I ever had in it, even on a ‘good’ payday. That clunky sound the exhaust used to make seemingly has disappeared.
“I know it’s like, your car, or whatever, but Samuel has been tinkering with it.” She said.
“That’s fine.” I said and buckled up before putting the car in reverse, testing and brushing off the dust from my driving knowledge. Pulling into the morning traffic was certainly nerve-wracking, especially since Jade decided to turn on the radio with little warning.
“Where are we even supposed to be going?” I asked, refusing to take my eyes off the road or a single finger from the steering wheel to change the radio station to escape the caterwauling of the obnoxious pop song Jade had settled on.
She told me to get onto the highway and head to a strip mall I knew fairly well. Too well.
It happened to be the place where I was abducted. I’m not sure if Jade remembered that. I would be surprised if anyone but Dennis remembered. If he even did.
I got onto the highway, silent and focused. I didn’t make any sudden merges or do any questionable actions. I didn’t want them to think I was trying to escape, I didn’t want to ruin the trust that had been built.
It was a bit fucked, wanting your captor to trust you, but fuck it I’m well past normal.
I reached over to the radio and turned the music up higher and higher. Maybe it wasn’t too bad, all things considering. I even rolled my window down.
I thankfully don’t miss my exit and a few turns later we were at the large parking lot, circling to find a parking spot close enough, but had to settle for one towards the middle.
“Pharmacy first so we can do some shopping while they get my refill.” Jade said, spitting out her overly chewed gum onto the pavement as I locked the car, rolling my eyes.
“Yes, my liege.” I said and shove my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, holding the keys as a safety clutch. I sure as fuck didn’t want to lose them, my car was our only way back home.
She constantly checked over her shoulder the entire walk through the parking lot. Was she nervous too? Was she second-guessing everything? We’re in that grey area. I could bolt, maybe get help, maybe Dennis would take the light and he would apprehend me before that point.
I just jog up to walk next to her, “You and Dennis are a lot alike.” I said, and I feel her eyes narrow.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You both like to get your neck exercises in.” I quipped. Would I ruin it again? Would she leave the light, only for a pissed off Dennis to take it and drag me back, kicking and screaming to the zoo?
She huffed and took out another piece of gum, unwrapping it before putting it into her mouth, teeth-gnashing it to reduce it to a sweet, putty consistency.
“Look, I’m breaking so many rules right now, but Dennis is too stubborn. We need food, I need medicine. He can’t be fucked to pick up my medicine, and he’s too paranoid to leave the house long enough to get groceries.” She spilled out. It’s implied. He’s afraid of me finding a way our, or someone finding me. “I don’t know how to drive; you do. And… Yeah, maybe I heard what you said to Kevin, and I wanted to give you a chance. I’m giving you a lot of trust right now- like, a metric-fuck-ton.”
“A ‘metric-fuck-ton’? That’s a lot.” I commented, giving her a half-smile, “I’m not going to run. I promise. I haven’t ran yet, have I?”
“No, but… Who knows, that could change.” She said with a derisive shrug. I don’t bother to argue, I’ll just let my actions speak for themselves.
The pharmacy was full of others, people now much closer. I could just reach out, I could scream. Maybe I should. But I don’t. I smile, trying to look like a functioning human who has seen the sun more than twice in the past three months.
We make it to the counter and I busy myself looking at trashy magazines on the stands. It’s so weird, seeing what I’ve missed, yet beyond the few moments I glance over the titles, I hold no interest.
Is this Stockholm syndrome? I was starting to think it was. I wanted them to trust me, even as they continued to restrain my freedom. Fuck, why wouldn’t I just scream for help? Why can’t I? What’s stopping me?
I opened my mouth and take a sharp inhale when Jade speaks my name, fuck, fuck, fuck, this very well may be my one chance, I need to make a decision.
“Ah- CHO!” I falsified my sneeze, covering my face with my hands, even as nothing projectiles from my face. Fuck, shit, why did I suck so much?
“Oh gross!” Jade laughed, “You got allergies or something?”
I shrugged, “I dunno, but I wanna touch Dennis with my grubby hands.” I smiled at her, even as I was dying inside.
She held up the little baggie with her medicine, “Let’s get this bread. And maybe some ice cream.” She said, leading the way. I tried my best to just follow in her footsteps.
Stupid. What were you thinking? What if you had screamed, what then? They would be locked up forever. Hedwig isn’t built for prison or asylum, Kevin certainly wasn’t either. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go.
But anywhere was better than locked up in the basement of a zoo. I mean, they’re good- mostly- but maybe in another setting they could be greater, like a roommate, where I’m actually on equal standing and not constantly restrained and imprisoned.
When we left the building the wind had certainly picked up again, but no rain. We passed under the covering to the chain grocery store, grabbing a cart while she took out a wrinkled paper to shove into my hands. Seriously, there was so much writing on this notebook paper, front to back with different handwriting.
“Push the cart and keep track of what gets thrown into the cart.” She said, “Dennis doesn’t know I was going to take you, so you know, I think you should probably get a last meal in.”
“I said before that I didn’t want to go!” I exclaimed. Fuck me, if this falls back onto me and only me, I will never forgive Jade.
She giggled and walked ahead of me, and I would occasionally stop the cart to point things out that she needed to grab, just trying to keep track of what we already had because she didn’t give me a fucking pen to scratch out what we already got.
There were refined ingredients like very specific fresh produce, and a note on the back to tell the ideal ‘ripeness’ of each one; this must have been Patricia’s items. A few snacks like juice packs and yogurt cups and cookies, clearly Hedwig.
Beyond the obvious items, there were a few that were standard odds and ends, ‘communal items’, but a few items that had an asterisk at the end of them, but no note at the bottom of the page. Maybe on the back?
I decided that I would read it later and instead peered around. Another glance at the list showed that we missed pickles on the list, but thankfully it was down an aisle we just came from to get to the deli counter. I looked back up at her, noticing that she was busy trying to relay her order to the man at the counter.
I folded and pocketed the list and turned to go down the aisle. Better not disturb her when I’m going to be back in like, half a minute, not even. I looked up and down the shelves, not spotting what I was looking for until nearly the end of the aisle.
Just then, I heard Jade call out my name. Fuck me.
Quickly grabbing grabbed the jar, I jogged back, rounding the corner and nearly colliding with someone- no, that’s certainly a very pissed off Jade.
“Where the hell did you think you were going?!” She demanded, her hands grabbing my arms uncharacteristically hard. If Dennis took the light now, this would be terrible for everyone involved.
“We forgot something on the list.” I said and held up the item as if it’s the key piece of evidence in my defense to keep me from getting the electric chair.
I think I can see a blood vessel burst at her temple as she took the jar, and she was holding it so tight that I honestly thought she would obliterate it in a fantastic, briny explosion of glass shards and cucumber bits.
But, she took a deep breath through her nose, “Don’t ever leave my side again. It’s not just your ass that’s on the goddamn line.” She pulled me back over to the cart, and every step made me feel like absolute shit.
She pointed to the cart and tossed in the jar of pickles, returning to the counter. It was clear that I wasn’t to leave her side or leave the cart, so numbly I hung my head, trying to disassociate from the situation to save myself the pain of crying in a goddamn grocery store.
Even when we continued with the rest of the list, I didn’t talk, and she didn’t reach out, choosing to give me the cold shoulder from the looks of it.
Standing through line was agonizing, but at least I had a cart between her and I, with my upper arm now starting to hurt from how hard she grabbed me. Who knows, maybe it caused a bruise.
It was like a seed of anger and hatred, bitterness growing inside of me.
They promised they wouldn’t hurt me if they could avoid it. I guess we’re going back on that promise.
Dissociate, Dissociate. Separate from the situation, from feelings, from emotions. I wanted to feel nothing but numb.
Payment, bagging, and once more I’m trudging after her, pushing the cart out into the parking lot.
Second strike… This may be my last chance to get help…
“Look at the note and see if there’s anything else anyone needed.” She said, making me sigh inwardly and pull out the note, looking at the front. Nothing there, so I flip it over.
Each note was clear, a small note reminding Jade to pick up the mail at the post office at some point today, but what was most confusing was the note starting with an asterisk at the bottom.
*These items are not to be eaten by the Horde. I thought I made it clear who they’re meant for.
I had to flip it back over. My favorite fruits, a few snack items that I distinctly remember receiving with my usual meals when I had been especially ‘tolerable’. I couldn’t tell who’s handwriting this belonged to, but they wrote with authority, so I had to assume Dennis or Patricia.
Wait, no, Patricia usually writes in much more ‘curly’ font, and this was neat, perfect, blocky.
A sudden commotion made me look up from the paper, and I took notice of the man who had encroached upon Jade’s space, standing about three feet from her.
“What did you just say?!” She demanded. Fuck me, was there some altercation that I spaced?
“Ah’ said why are you dressed like a queer? You’re a man!” Oh, fuck me, of all things to happen in a goddamn grocery store parking lot.
“I’m a woman, dipshit!”
“No, you’re not! You’re a man! Act and dress like one!”
White-hot rage filled my veins, and I couldn’t control myself, I couldn’t dissociate, my body acting before I could even get my brain thinking.
Suddenly, I shoved myself between both of them and got in the man’s face, staring him down as if he wasn’t taller than both I and Jade.
“Back off!” I shouted at him, and if their commotion from before was enough to draw uneasy glances by passerbys, this was enough to make seemingly the whole parking lot stop, or maybe that’s the adrenaline, “Get away from my damn friend and mind your own fucking business! She isn’t hurting anyone!”
Why is my first response to make noise? Why can’t I watch my words?
However, this escalation of force made him back away, “Go on! LEAVE! ” Expletives and slurs left his lips as he quickly lumbered away.
My breath was uneven, coming out quickly, my hands in tight fists. I could feel the give of paper under my nails as it ripped, yet I was too worked up to let go. Where did this anger come from? Why did I just defend her?
I mean, yeah, bigots are shit, kidnappers are arguably worse, but that guy could have been a good meat-shield while I made a quick get-away.
Gentle pressure was on my shoulder, soft calls of my name coming from Jade’s familiar voice. I’m coming back down from my shock of adrenaline, but the comedown will be as bad, if not worse than the rise.
“Let’s get to the car.” She said, pulling me along with the cart towards my car. It was uncomfortably silent, save for the obnoxious, grating, rattling noise the cart made as it crossed over the cracked pavement and the distant rolling thunder that was surely going to bring the rain again soon.
I unlocked the car and trunk, helping to shove items into the trunk. She hadn’t said anything else, and I haven't either. I was really, really hoping she wouldn’t mention how I lost my goddamn cool- quite suddenly, even for me.
Maybe they were a bad influence…
It started to sprinkle and I got into the passenger seat while she just abandoned the cart and got into the passenger seat. Now it was like we were in our own separate world, one that was narrow and with nothing that could be avoided.
“... You wanna tell me what that was about?” She asked, and I felt all of that pressure contained in my muscles just release, making me sag forward and hit my forehead against the steering wheel.
“No…” I mumbled, yet despite my response I continue, “I just… don’t know either. I just got so angry, so irrationally angry- I got so fucking pissed!” I ranted.
“I mean- come on, it’s fucking SO natural to get upset when someone spews hatred but when it’s towards someone like you, it just- I just- Fuck, you know?”
She rose her brow. I don’t think I was conveying anything to her that made any sense, “What do you mean by ‘someone like me’?”
“A friend! It’s more personal when it’s a fucking friend who’s facing that shit- I mean it’s fucking awful no matter who, but when it’s someone you know, it gets so much more personal, you know?”
A blink. Fuck, was I making any sense? Was I speaking the same language as her?
“A friend?”
Oh, shit.
I don’t say anything as I jam the key into the ignition and crank it, backing out of the parking spot once I’ve picked my head up high enough to so much as look at the rearview mirror. I can’t even meet the reflection of her eyes.
She said my name once when we left the parking lot, and then again on the highway. I can’t avoid this. No dissociating from this, fucker.
A soft sigh left my lips, “Yeah… ya know… A friend. Someone who doesn’t annoy the absolute fuck out of me one-hundred percent of the time.”
“But you consider me a friend?”
“I consider all of you to be a friend- my friend- or well, most of you…” I was rambling, “But you know, not- I don’t hate any of you.” Did that sound ungenuine?
She was probably looking at me like I was the stupidest, most hateful person, I don’t know, I can’t even bring myself to look at her.
“Yeah but… We kidnapped you. And we’ve been holding you, prisoner, for months. You don’t hate us even just a little bit?” She asked.
“What? No. I can’t hate any of you- I just don’t hate any of you, not in the slightest.” I said, “Even when you can be pushy or Hedwig can get a little loud or Dennis can be cruel and mean, I just… Don’t feel hatred.”
I glanced over, surprised to find out she was the one avoiding looking at me, now just looking out the window. I should do something, right?
I reach out and place my hand on her shoulder, “I’m serious, I don’t hate you guys for anything. I like you guys. Kinda a lot, actually.”
Considering I wanted to kiss your ‘host’.
Speaking of which, what the hell was wrong with me? I mean, I’m at least one-hundred percent sure he has no interest in me. I blame it on my desperation for dick in my life. Yeah, that had to be it. No other reason.
I mean, yeah, Kevin is really attractive to me. He’s nice, if not a bit timid, but he’s so open and vulnerable. Imagine if I kissed him? What kind of monster would I be if I took advantage of a man in such an easily manipulatable state? I’d be as bad as a man who tries to force a captive to give him a lap dance.
Pulling into the parking lot was stressful, I completely forgot to tell her about stopping at the post office, but I don’t think it matters. Getting out of the car felt like I was willingly leaving what very well could have been my last chance of freedom. I don’t know why I never ran. I don’t know why I didn’t get help. There were so many people that I could have just reached out to, a place I could have ran to. I’m sure if I was looking hard enough I would have found a police officer.
But I couldn’t hurt them. I just can’t.
And maybe that’s why I was truly, without a doubt, fucked.
The groceries were put away mostly by myself while Jade just seemed to have ducked away. I was alone in the kitchen, a whole new thing. Of course, I had my keys taken away from me, but I don’t know what good they would have done me if she locked the door to the outside.
My stomach, now liberated from the hold of adrenaline and anxiety decided that I now had an appetite. Fuck, I didn’t eat breakfast, right.
I glanced at the clock, unsure of when we left for the store, but now it was close to 2 pm. I just decided to cobble together a sandwich and sliced up some fruit that was most certainly ‘mine’.
Perhaps Dennis wasn’t as cold as I believed him to be- I mean, yeah, he’s a downright bastard, but some capacity of his brain went towards allowing some comfort. And my choice of comfort was going to be a tall glass of some fancy tropical juice drink to wash down my sandwich with.
I picked up my plate and glass and walked into the living room, sitting down on the couch before I put the two items down onto the coffee table and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV.
There were very few interesting things on right now, so I just set it to a trashy reality show and sit back, enjoying my food. It’s not long before Jade calls for me from the kitchen and I yell that I’m in the living room.
Sure enough, moments later she comes over to sit next to me on the couch, “Dennis will have to-” I shush her softly.
“Don’t talk about Dennis right now. Please. Just let me eat my breakfast-lunch and watch this trashy show with me.” I said and offered her half of my sandwich. She took it, so I took this as an agreement of peace.
I enjoy my half of the sandwich until she finally spoke, “He’s gonna know about this. He probably already does.” She said.
“So you’re telling me that I’m in deep shit?” She just shrugged. “Damn it…” I sighed and shut my eyes, my head tilting back. I can’t fucking win.
“Cool.” I said, getting up. I took care of my dishes and went to the wall of movies, browsing. I grabbed three more options, even with the three I had in my room. I could tell this was going to be a long, long ‘time out’. “I’ll be in my room if he wants to bitch at me.”
She looked somewhat guilty, but I don’t blame her. I was the one who flew off the handle. I knew hell was at my front door, but right now I just wanted to go to my room, curl up, and start on that show I had the box set for.
And that’s what I did, listening as the storm picked up in its intensity. It couldn’t be too late, too early for a nap.
Three disks, three-fourths through the first season. That’s how much time passes until the door opens, and there’s the ever stern- No, wait… That’s Jade. She was looking down at her feet, sometimes glancing at my face.
“Listen, so- um… Did you want to talk about earlier?” She asked quietly, “I can paint your nails, and you can pick the colors…”
I was skeptical but nodded, and she let herself in with her little bag of rattling polish bottles. She sat down cross-legged on my bed, and I crossed my legs to make room for her.
Jade dumped out all of the options and I sorted through them, neither of us speaking for the longest moment.
“Why don’t you… hate us?” She asked, “Out of everything we’ve done to you, you should hate us all, you have every right to…”
It’s a question I can’t answer. I’ve asked myself so many times why I didn’t have a burning hatred for them, for taking me away from my life, for being cruel to me at times, for… so many things.
“I don’t know, Jade… Wish I could tell you, but I can’t… Because even I don’t know.” I said and picked out a few shades so she could have fun with the little color palette I chose, “All I know is that… I don’t hate you, I don’t hate anyone.”
She looked even more confused by my answer but started to apply a base coat to my nails. It was quiet for even longer, with only the tv show playing in the background.
When dry, she started with the first color. I wasn’t sure what she had in mind, but so long as she was having fun, I was ha… I was content.
“Can I ask what your life was like before?” She asked, glancing up at me.
They never asked about my life until now, and… I just drew a blank.
“It was…” I quietly sigh, “Wasn’t any better than this.”
She rose her brow, confused, “Parents?”
“Who wasn’t apart of it?” I look off to the side. Telling my story was never easy because no one ever wanted to hear it, “Parents, school, coworkers, life… I ran away from it all, made it here, and…” She filled in the blanks.
“So the scars…”
“Parents.”
“How… How long?” She asked.
Roughly, I swallowed, “All my life…” My words came out barely above a strangled mumble, and she paused like she wanted to ask more. Maybe it was how pathetic I sounded, or the fact that I looked like I was moments away from tears, but she didn’t push further.
She brought my hand to her mouth and blew on my nails, trying to dry them quicker.
“For what it’s worth… We see you as more than a captive…” She said, “You’re like a friend to me…”
I looked at her and I couldn’t even tell you what I felt… “What does everyone think about me?” I asked.
She was confused, then contemplated what she could tell me, “Well… Barry adores you, loves watching that show with you…”
“Hedwig thinks you’re the coolest because you play with him. Kevin… He feels comfortable around you- well, as well as he can be. Patricia likes talking with you and is happy you’re not ‘unreasonable’.”
Now the big one, the one man who started all of this, the one I have the most strife with, “And Dennis… He cares about you in his own special way. You may annoy the hell out of him, and yeah he hasn’t totally forgiven you for sneezing in his face or throwing up in front of him-”
“I had the flu,” I add and she holds up her finger to stop me.
“I know, Dennis is just Dennis. And… He cares about you. As much as he refuses to admit it.”
I nod, taking all of this in.
“Now I’ve watched 3 videos on how to do a gradient, and I’m going to practice on your nails. Hold still.”
It’s moments like this that make me think; If I were to somehow get away… Would I be gaining anything, or losing everything I’ve grown to know?