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“No.”
“Rodney …”
“No.”
“C’mon, it’ll be nice.”
“It’ll be hell on Earth. Been there, done that, jumped the quantum mirror, got the t-shirt,” Rodney stated, slicing the air emphatically with his hand.
“No, it’ll be great – we could take a drive down to San Diego, take in the sights … do that comic con thing you’re always going on about …” Dr. Jennifer Keller cajoled.
“We could fall off a cliff, or experience a massive shift in tectonic plates and fall into a crevasse. It’s a seismically active area, you know. Or we could get food poisoning. University events are notorious breeders of exotic bacteria – those bio people never know when to wash their hands! And don’t get me started about comic fans! Besides, that’s in August. And I go with Sheppard.”
“Seriously, Rodney …”
“Seriously. Seriously not going. Besides, I’m not even on the planet – how can they expect me to present an award if I’m not even in the solar system?”
“They don’t know that. They can’t know that. But that woman from the IOA thought it would be a good idea, promote some positive buzz. You know, for when they go public with the Stargate Program.”
“Yeah, like going public after keeping the gates a secret for two generations is going to go well. Frankly, I don’t want my name associated with the enterprise. I have my professional reputation to consider. This is not an appropriate endeavor –“
“Rodney, what professional reputation?” Keller interrupted with a low chuckle. “You said yourself you haven’t been able to publish in years because of confidentiality. It’s Sheldon, isn’t it? You don’t want to do this because the award is going to Sheldon Cooper. Admit it, Rodney. You’re jealous.”
“Jealous? Jealous of Sheldon Cooper? That maladjusted, socially challenged misfit of a preying mantis? Hah! I’m so far out of his league I might as well be … well, I might as well be here. In another galaxy. Sheldon Cooper can’t touch me.” To punctuate his statement, he selected a cookie from the tray on the commissary table and bit into it decisively.
“Clearly he can. From the flush in your face, I’m betting your blood pressure’s up and your heart rate elevated . If I were to run diagnostics, I’ll bet you a donut every time I mention his name, you’d have a Pavlovian fight or flight response.” She picked a cookie and bit into it, grinning.
“Pavlovian? Me? No, I’m far too evolved for that.” He smiled back and took another big bite of his cookie.
“Really? There’s citrus in that cookie, you know.” Cheekily, she shoved the remainder of her cookie into her mouth and chomped down with a smirk.
Rodney immediately dropped the cookie, a look of abject horror crippling his features.
“Gotcha. Nobody puts citrus in chocolate chip cookies. Although, now I think about it, it could be cool. But all anyone has to do is mention citrus, and you go into duck and tuck mode. If that’s not Pavlovian, what would you call it?"
“Self-preservation. You know I’m allergic –“
“To anyone you consider competition. Don’t you realize you’ve achieved things Sheldon Cooper can’t even conceive of, Rodney? No way is he competition. So what’s the harm in giving him a little award? He’ll be honored to receive it from you.”
“You really think so?” Rodney asked with uncharacteristic hesitation, hand hovering over the cookie plate
“I know so,” Jennifer Keller decisively. Rodney nodded absently, snagging another cookie and biting into it with visible pleasure. Damn, but geniuses were easy to manipulate!
***
Dr. Sheldon L. Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D. smiled a secret little smile as he considered his mac and cheese critically. Across the table, Rajesh Koothrappali nattered on about Cinnamon’s latest exploits. Honestly, just how long was it going to take for the dog to wise up and find a more intelligent owner?
“You’re awfully quiet today, Sheldon,” Leonard Hofstadter posited, peering over his eyeglasses as he twirled his cafeteria spaghetti on his plastic fork. “You’re not coming down with something, are you?” he asked warily. “I mean, because, well, you know Penny and I have plans for the weekend. I’m not going to have time to take care of you.”
“Oh, you won’t have to take care of me, Leonard. I’ll have people.” Sheldon ducked his head to give his mac and cheese more serious attention, but his eyebrow arched in a good imitation of Mr. Spock as he peeked at Leonard to gauge his reaction.
“People,” Leonard repeated in that odd little tone that somehow ended in a question mark.
“Yes, I’m going to be famous,” Sheldon assured him, sitting up primly and setting his utensils aside. “I’m ready to take questions now,” he added, in case his tablemates had missed their cue, as they usually did.
“Questions,” Howard Wolowitz repeated. “Any particular topic? Or is everything fair game?” he added with an evil twinkle in his eye.
“Yes, I for one would like to know why no man has gone before,” Koothrappali asked, folding his arms over his chest expectantly.
Sheldon huffed theatrically. “Like anyone other than the Great Bird could answer that one! No, I expect and welcome questions about why I’m going to be famous. Seriously, focus, people!”
“Okay, I know I’m going to regret this, but I’ll bite,” Leonard said slowly. “Why?”
“Why what?” Sheldon asked simply.
“Why are you going to be famous?”
“Because I’m being given a prestigious award on Friday night. And you’re all going to be there to see me get it.”
“But that’s Friday Night Fun at Stewart’s comic shop – I’ll miss my opportunity to be ignored by girl geeks!” Raj complained loudly.
“It’s okay," Howard said, "you can come over to our house and Bernadette will ignore you.”
“Okay,” Raj pouted, but nodded appreciatively. “She power ignores, dude. It’s a gift.”
“It is indeed, my friend,” Howard agreed, grinning.
“Okay, okay, we’re getting off track here,” Leonard announced, putting down his utensils and spearing Sheldon with a challenging glare. “An award, Sheldon? Why didn’t you tell me you were up for an award?”
“Because I didn’t know. I was just informed of it this morning,” Sheldon answered matter-of-factly.
“Who’s giving the award?” Leonard asked.
“I don’t know.”
“What’s the award for?” Leonard pressed, becoming exasperated.
“I don’t know.”
“Then why do you think you’re going to be famous?” Raj demanded with a shrug.
“Partially because it’s going to be televised on the local public access channel. And KTLA is sending a correspondent. This is a big deal, Leonard,” Sheldon explained patiently.
“Well, I guess it is. KTLA doesn’t mess around,” Howard agreed, turning his attention back to his lunch tray.
“Yeah, they’re a CW station. You could be seen as far away as well, Pasadena.” Raj shrugged.
“No,” Sheldon protested. “My mom gets that channel in East Texas. KTLA is available all over the country, Raj. Omigosh, my mom could see me on TV,” he breathed, his eyes going wider. “She’s going to tell all the neighbors; they’re going to come over and watch with her. I’m going to be the subject of a hoedown!”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Leonard asked hesitantly.
“I’ll tell you after the hooch runs out.”
***
Jeannie Miller née McKay waited impatiently in the Cheyenne Mountain gate room for her brother’s arrival. Mer travelled poorly at the best of times, but transiting from the Pegasus Galaxy, he was going to be in a fouler mood than usual. And she knew the reason for his gate crossing had to have him really torqued and ready for battle. Jeannie grinned. M. Rodney McKay in full snit was always fun to watch.
When she’d approached the base commander, General Jack O’Neill, with her proposal that Rodney present this award to Sheldon Cooper, General O’Neill had been mildly amused and willing to play along. He had a puckish quality about him, despite the stars on his shoulder, and she had a sense he was an avid prankster when he wasn’t defending the Earth and known galaxies. He’d made a quick call to someone at the IOA, gotten permission, and the whole thing was a done deal. Setting up the ceremony at CalTech had been easy, too – apparently the dean was happy to make Sheldon happy, especially when it wasn’t coming out of his budget.
So nearly everything was in place. The surge of power in the ring heralded the imminent arrival of her brother. She straightened, took a deep breath, and prepared to enjoy the fireworks.
***
Rodney stood at the podium and tugged at his tie. Jennifer had tied it for him, arranging it just so, but he felt like it was closing off his throat – no one would be able to hear him! Ah, maybe that was a good thing – no, he really needed to stop thinking that way. Not only was the local cable access station represented, but so was KTLA, the local CW station. Which meant this could go national, and he had to make sure if it did, he looked his best. You never knew what old girlfriend might be watching. Not that he was on the market, but it didn’t hurt to remind them of what they gave up.
He adjusted the microphone and gently cleared his throat, then began to read the speech Jeannie had written for him. “Thank you for joining us tonight. The boundaries of theoretical physics are themselves merely an illusion, walls created by the limits of our imagination. And every so often, a mind comes along that sees through the walls, breaks through the boundaries, and reaches into the infinite.”
He paused, nearly gagging on the words. Boy, his sister had a knack for the magniloquent! And he was saying these words about Sheldon Cooper? Damn, he’d never live this down. He could see Cooper preening in the first row, and felt a sudden urge to hurl in his general direction. Jeannie had a lot to answer for, roping him into this! Then he glanced toward the wings and saw Jennifer, silently urging him on with that encouraging, hopeful, sexy smile. A smile of his own crooked the corner of his mouth, and he nodded to her. Sighing inwardly, he looked back at the typed speech and resumed, both resigned and reassured.
“It’s my pleasure to award the first annual MRMK Foundation Award for Excellence in Theoretical Physics.” Again, he paused, staring at the name of the foundation. MRMK? Those were his initials. No wonder he wasn’t receiving this award – the award was in his name! Ha! He grinned. Sheldon would have to live with the fact that not only was he receiving an award from M. Rodney McKay, but he was receiving an award named after M. Rodney McKay! It was delicious.
He resumed, speaking with relish and forging onward.
***
The packaged awards ceremony applause rippled across the audience and petered away into silence as Sheldon rushed up to the podium, a collective dervish of flailing limbs. He took the small engraved statuette and envelope from Rodney’s hands, and shoved past him to take his place at the microphone.
Thank God Cooper was only allowed ten minutes for his mind-numbing speech before President Siebert strode on stage to forcibly remove him, all the while retaining a warm smile on his face. When the president made a move to pluck the envelope from Sheldon’s hands, Sheldon jerked it away, declaring, “Get your own award, boyo. This one’s mine!”
“Dr. Cooper –” Siebert protested, but Sheldon sidestepped, glaring at him again.
“You know what that stands for, right?” Rodney asked, pointing to the foundation name on the award as he guided Sheldon into the wings. Behind them, the sound of people departing filled the auditorium, although one female voice could be heard saying, “Was that it?”
“Mermik,” Sheldon sounded out, frowning. “What’s a Mermik?”
“M. Rodney McKay. M-R-M-K.”
“Oh,” Sheldon answered, disheartened. After a moment, he stuck his chin out and said, “So I guess you’re never going to be the recipient of the Mermik award.”
“Nope. But my name is always going to be on it. Directly above yours.”
“Hmph,” Sheldon replied, staring morosely at the award. “What about this?” he asked, waving the envelope.
“Dr. Cooper –” Seibert said again, reaching for the envelope. “You are an employee of CalTech–”
“Do you see 'President Siebert' engraved on this little statue? Hmmm? Do you? Let’s see what’s in this envelope – I’ll bet it doesn’t have your name on it, either...” He trailed off as he pulled a piece of paper from the envelope and his eyes and mouth went impossibly wide.
“What?” Siebert asked, twisting around to peer over Sheldon’s shoulder.
“It’s a check for half a million dollars. Five hundred thousand dollars,” Sheldon breathed, fingers trembling as they clutched the check. “This is real money, not game credit. And it's made out to me, so there,” he added, sticking his tongue out at his boss.
“It’s what?!” Rodney demanded, incredulous and sickened all at once. He reached toward the check, catching himself in time to avoid stealing it away from Sheldon.
“Five hundred thousand dollars!” Sheldon turned and awkwardly hugged Rodney. “You like me! You really like me!” He glared over his shoulder at President Siebert and added, “And he doesn’t like you!”
“Jeannie!” Rodney yelled. It didn’t help that he could hear his sister and his girlfriend giggling maniacally nearby….
***
“Mer, I had to find a way to repay Sheldon that wouldn’t breach confidentiality,” Jeannie explained reasonably.
“For what? And why half a million dollars? How could you possibly owe Sheldon Cooper? And why’d you have to use my name –“ Rodney protested as they slipped into a quiet alcove backstage.
“You know that communications protocol we developed that tunnels through hyperspace without powering up the gates at either end?” Jeannie asked quietly.
“Yeah, it’s working great,” Rodney shrugged.
Jeannie looked off to the side. “Well … I didn’t come up with the idea all on my own.”
“You … you stole Cooper’s theory?” Rodney was appalled. Not just that she stole it, but the fact she stole it from Sheldon Cooper. Oh, the humanity!
“Oh, God no; he was completely wrong," Jeannie rushed to reassure. "But his theories got me thinking. Without his wrong assumptions, I never would have been able to crack the problem of signal attenuation.”
“So … that’s worth half a million smackers?”
“Are you saying that not draining the ZedPMs to communicate with Stargate Command – or anyone else on Earth, for that matter – isn’t?”
Rodney sighed, conceding the point. “Well, when you put it that way … but where the heck did you come up with all the cash?”
“Yeah, that’s something else I haven’t told you." She bit at her lips before smoothing them into a weak smile. "There were commercial applications for some of our work.”
“You didn’t breach security –“
“Again, no. C’mon, Mer, be serious. This is me you’re talking to. No, there was some stuff that kind of fell out once we implemented the process. I have university costs to look forward to, so I looked into commercializing the patent. I licensed it, and the tech’s been, well, fairly successful.”
“What tech?”
“I know you’re not all that familiar with what’s going on around back on Earth, you know, stuck out where you are, but … have you heard of the iPhone?”
***
“Wow,” Leonard exhaled at the sight of the check Sheldon held aloft. “What’re you going to do with it?”
“Frame it,” Howard suggested.
“Cash it,” Raj countered. “There’s a mint Action #1 with your name on it, Sheldon. Maybe even a screen-used TOS phaser. Or an original Kenner Luke Skywalker.”
“ Or you could fund some research,” Amy Farrah Fowler murmured. “Mama could use a new primate lab. And some fresh monkey brains.” At Bernadette’s frown, Amy shrugged and added, “Just sayin’.”
“You could buy someone a new personality, Sheldon,” Bernadette suggested snappishly, glaring at Amy.
“Hmm, noble suggestions all,” Sheldon allowed absently, staring at the check. “No, my precious,” he added, stroking the check lovingly, a slightly maniacal smile forming on his lips. He shook his head and glanced toward his friends, shaking his head disapprovingly. “Obviously I’m going to use it, but not for just any research. And definitely not for anything biological! Seriously, this is an award for theoretical physics, Amy. A real science. No, I've got great plans for this windfall.”
“And that would be?” Leonard prompted.
“Do you really have to ask? Do you, Leonard? Well, obviously you do, and I’m disappointed. Clearly, I’m going to have to develop wormhole technology, Leonard. It’s obvious no one’s working in that field at all any more, and it’s a crying shame. There are whole galaxies out there waiting to be discovered. Whole civilizations whose lives could be enriched by the gift of my brilliance. No, I’m going to build myself a gateway to the stars. Better start thinking about where you’re going to move your desk, Leonard, ‘cause I’m gonna need the floor space!”
“Great, so you’re gonna build a stargate. Can we go to the comic book store now?” Raj whined theatrically.
Sheldon considered him for a moment with a baleful look, skewering him with the heat of his gaze. To anyone observing, he seemed to be simply staring blankly into space. Finally, Sheldon shrugged. “Sure. Dibs on the new lightsaber kit – a Jedi’s gotta do what Jedi’s gotta do,” he said, turning on his sneakered heel and walking toward the exit.
“Not even one monkey brain?” Amy lamented quietly, still standing in place. “Just one …”
“Amy! Shake a leg! This Jedi’s not getting any younger!”
END