Chapter Text
Perhaps things would change eventually. But for now, it was not at all what Sehun had thought it would be like returning home, leaving the manor he dreaded so. Once he had bathed and clothed himself, he sank in his bed and stared vacantly at nothing. It felt strange to be back here, as though a huge part of his life had been stolen. And the other part left at the manor.
The door swung open, and Kyungsoo burst in, eyes almost popping out of their sockets.
Sehun looked up at him tiredly.
“Y-You…” Kyungsoo began before trailing off as he hurried to Sehun’s side. He took a moment to scrutinize his roommate. “I… heard about…” He panted, as though he had raced his way up the stairs. Then scrubbing his face with his hands, he asked, “Is it true? The whole school’s talking about it. Was it… really not… you?”
He seemed alarmed and disappointed.
“How…” Kyungsoo gasped. “I suspected something was off… Where is Sehun… I mean… your doppelganger now?”
“He’s my brother,” Sehun muttered lifelessly, burying his face in his hands.
Kyungsoo dropped on the edge of his own bed, mouth agape, eyes growing misty. “Why would he… He was… so nice, though. Why was he here, pretending to be you?”
Sehun rose from the bed and meandered his way out of the room without another word. He had never really been friends with Kyungsoo, and the latter had never cared to be his friend either. But it seemed like he must have become friends with Shixun.
His head was muddled. He should not have dismissed his brother the way he had. He should have listened to what Shixun had to say. He should have demanded an explanation. He should have wanted to know what had prompted Shixun to do such a thing.
And then he wondered why Shixun would want to come here of all places and take Sehun’s place? He certainly must have known that it wouldn’t be long before Sehun would return. Still, why did he choose to stay here, living Sehun’s ordinary life?
He came to a stop when he found Kai at the bottom of the stairs of the tower, seated on the steps with shoulders slumped and head hung. Whatever sparks there once were between them had clearly been extinguished. Sehun was certain that even Kai knew that there was no going back for either of them.
He sat down next to Kai, who raised his head and glanced at him. “Fuck,” he let out and shook his head, clenching his eyes.
Sehun bit on the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry, Kai,” he said. It felt like he was talking to a stranger.
Kai must have felt the same way because he was refusing to even look at Sehun as he kept his eyes low, jaw gripped as tightly as his fists. “What are you sorry for? He’s the one who played me for a fool.”
Sehun frowned. He still hadn’t figured out why Shixun would do such a thing, though. If he had learned anything in the past month, it was that he did not know anything about what Shixun was truly capable of. But he knew one thing. His brother was not so shallow to do anything out of spite. If he were, he would have done it a long time ago and would not have let himself get caught so clumsily. There was something else. Something more.
“Maybe he didn’t,” Sehun muttered.
Kai closed his eyes again. “I really… really fell for him, thinking that I was… falling for you. Just stabbing me through the heart would have been easier. All this while, I was dumb enough to believe that he was you.”
“You suspected nothing?”
Kai took a moment to respond. But he eventually shook his head and said, “I guess I didn’t know you at all. In spite of knowing you for… two months. But in just weeks’ time, I… I knew him.” His voice died a little. “I thought I knew him. I keep trying to wrap my head around this but… I just can’t. I’m the one who’s sorry… Sehun.”
The name sounded thick on his tongue, as though he were reluctant to say it.
“What are you sorry for?” Sehun sighed. “You didn’t know it wasn’t me.”
“But you’re the one I wanted. You’re the one I thought I was falling in love with. When we were together, you’re the one I thought I was…” he trailed off, face twisting in pain as if to relive a fond memory that was now tarnished.
“Hearts change, Kai.” And Sehun was guilty of that himself.
Kai looked at him then. “Why would he do such a thing?”
Sehun shrugged and exhaled heavily. “I don’t know. And at this point, I suppose it doesn’t matter. I can’t decide if he ruined us or helped us.”
“Helped us?”
Sehun licked his lips and met Kai’s tortured gaze. “I met someone, too. And unlike you, I knew that it wasn’t you. I couldn’t… stop myself, anyway.”
Kai nodded his head and rubbed his temples. The news did not seem to have taken him aback or even affect him. “You know what the worst thing is?” he said, sounding miserable. “Even now… after everything, I still love him. And I don’t even fucking know his name.”
“It’s Shixun,” Sehun said, smiling sadly. Kai dropped his face in his hand.
“I don’t know how much of it was a lie…”
Sehun took a breath. “When we were nine,” he began, and Kai looked up at him again. “our parents sent him off to the Clovervale Manor. It’s a home for the… rejects and misfits. Those with Mana that made them dangerous or weird.”
“What?” Kai let out, eyebrows dipping low.
“Our parents feared that my brother’s ill Birth Prophecy would come true. So, they washed their hands off him. They left him there when he was just a child. But he waited, I suppose. He waited for them to take him one day. He said he wanted to be free. So, I don’t understand why he did any of this. Maybe he was up to something. Maybe he changed his mind. But I don’t think he’d lie… if he said that he loved you.”
Kai glanced away, lost in his own thoughts. They sat there in silence for long.
* * *
Things did get better with time. Sehun received his student badge back and resumed his studies. He and Kai were not exactly on speaking terms. Kai avoided him as much as he could, but when they’d run into each other in the corridors, they’d simply smile at each other. But Sehun could tell that it was killing Kai to even look at him.
He went to see his parents one of the following weeks. He told them what had happened. Their parents nonchalantly said that they expected Shixun to behave as such. Sehun told them that it was their fault to begin with. He had been proud of that. He stood up to them for the first time and defended his brother. They had been appalled, but they did not gainsay.
The dullness in his life returned. It felt as though he had lost all purpose once again.
Although he never tried to see Shixun again—once bitten, twice shy—he kept himself posted of his brother’s whereabouts. Shixun was given minimal punishment after Sehun had appealed for a retraction of his charges against his brother. He had still committed an offence by trespassing on Grimwood grounds. He would have to face the charges for that. His sentence was reduced to seven months in prison with the opportunity to return to the manor once he was freed. It was the one place Shixun had left to go now. The one place that would not reject him.
Kai soon graduated later that year. Sehun congratulated him when he saw Kai in the corridor, clearing his dorm room out.
“What are you plans, then?” Sehun inquired.
“It won’t be the last time you see me at Grimwood. I’m starting as junior Combative Magic instructor next term. I told you I wanted to become an instructor,” Kai said with a half a smile, holding a box of his belongings.
Sehun blinked. “No, you never told me.”
Kai’s face died then. “Right… I told…” he trailed off, breath snagging in his chest. Sehun lowered his head. Even a fool could see that Kai had not moved on. He really must have fallen in love, deep and serious, with Shixun if he could not even forget those few measly weeks they had been together.
Sehun could say the same for him and Chanyeol.
He never tried to contact Chanyeol after coming back from the manor. But not a day passed where he did not wonder what and how the man was doing. And he prayed every night that Chanyeol would forgive himself one day.
For weeks, he contemplated sending the manor a missive for a visit in the future. But what would be the point? Would he not just torment the both of them if he went to see Chanyeol again?
Life was slowly reverting to what it was before he left for the manor. Maybe he should just let it go now.
“Sehun,” Kyungsoo said when Sehun entered the room after dinner. “You received a postal order and a letter. It’s on your desk.”
Sehun said little to Kyungsoo like he always did and made his way to the desk. He found a postal order from his mother and an anonymous letter addressed to him. With curiosity and confusion, he opened the letter and perched on his bed to read it.
A folded parchment fell from it. He examined its content first. There were only squiggles and meaningless patterns inked onto the page. But his heart skipped a beat then.
Setting the painting aside, he hurriedly unfolded the letter and started reading.
Dear Sehun,
The kindest boy I know once told me to stop being afraid. Even then, I was so afraid to listen to him. He promised to be by me in my quest to set myself free again if I gave him the chance. If his offer still stands, I would like to give him that chance and relieve my tortured heart that has gone woeful in his absence. I should have told him… I should have looked him in the eye and told him that I hadn’t been the man I was since the day I met him. I should have been brave enough to tell him goodbye. Perhaps I didn’t because I had loathed to say it. Even now, I am not sure, as he is reading this, if he still felt the same. But if he did, I will await him outside the gates when the sun comes up on the fourteenth day of the month.
Sehun lowered the letter, breathless and jaded.
The fourteenth day of the month. That was tomorrow when the gates of Grimwood would open again.
He picked up the painted parchment again. He could not make sense of what was drawn on it.
And then he recalled the portrait of the old man. Of course.
Mustering his Mana, he undid the magic placed upon the painting. He then watched the ink rearrange itself into a painting of himself, standing in the sunroom back at the manor, facing the window with a smile on his face.
A similar grin took form on his lips then as he hugged the parchment to his chest, eyes stinging with tears.
“You look awfully happy,” said Kyungsoo.
Sehun leaped off the bed and hurried to his roommate to haul him into a vicious hug before planting a firm kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek. “You have no idea!”
* * *
On the fourteenth day, Sehun nervously paced his room, waiting for the bell to peal. His heart had been thunderously thudding against his ribs since the moment he roused. Would he really be there, Sehun wondered. Would he be waiting outside the gates? Had he really left the manor?
It all seemed too good to be true.
And then the bell tolled.
Not wasting another moment, he tore his way out of the room and belted down the tower as fast as his feet could carry him.
The path to the gates was crowded with students who were leaving Grimwood for the day. Sehun jostled past them, keeping his eyes on the open gates until he spotted a tall, dark-haired man, clad in a black coat.
He stopped in his tracks as his heart almost jumped out of his chest.
Perhaps this was what love was.
Chanyeol turned and his eyes darted to Sehun, whose feet were refusing to cooperate for a length as he gawked at the man. It felt like a dream.
Then before he even knew what he was doing, he was sprinting toward the gates. Chanyeol’s jaw fell slightly slack as he stared at Sehun, as though he were looking at a ghost. His chest began to heave.
And Sehun ran into his arms that quickly enveloped around the other, he pressed his nose to the crook of Sehun’s neck and inhaled sharply. “Sehun,” he gasped as Sehun broke into a sob.
“Took you long enough, old man,” Sehun whimpered, pulling back to look up at Chanyeol with tears streaking his cheeks. Chanyeol’s own eyes were glistening, but he smiled, pressing their foreheads together.
* * *
The carriage rocked to a stop.
The day was ominously dark. Shixun wondered if it would rain. That would seem apt for a day with death, wouldn’t it? The world was finally agreeing with him.
He had broken rules. He had committed crimes. He had put his brother through hell for nothing. And worst of all, he had broken the trust of a man who had loved him. As much as Shixun had wanted his own misery to end, he figured that it would be fair for him to face the punishments meted out to him. For a while, at least.
As he exited the carriage and looked ahead at the Clovervale Manor, he thought of the little child that hid behind his mother’s kirtle, afraid and worried. He was no longer afraid or worried. In fact, he had never been braver.
Those seven months in prison were more than just loneliness and gruel he could not stomach. There was quiet. And his thoughts and guilt were so loud in that quiet. It took every ounce of his strength every day not to use his Mana to destruct his own self. And Keda never contacted him again.
But now that he had paid the fair charges for his crimes, he was free to do whatever he wanted to end his misery. He was not stepping foot into that manor again.
He summoned his Mana and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths as he stood facing the gates that would soon open for him. Slowly, he began to poison the air he was breathing while simultaneously ceasing the flow to and from his heart.
“Shixun?”
He paused abruptly, eyes widening. That voice… He’d recognize that voice anywhere. Was he really hearing it or was it just another dream he would have cruelly wake up from again?
He turned around.
Kai looked a little different. His hair was slightly longer. His clothes were different from the ones he used to wear at the school. He had a different longsword hanging at his hip now. There wasn’t a hint of humour or joy in his hard expression. His eyes had never been so stony. The usual softness in his gaze was gone. He looked like a man who had grieved, whose circumstances had hardened every part of his soul.
Shixun tried to steady himself, but his knees were ready to give in at any moment.
He realized it was the first time Kai had ever said his name.
Kai closed the distance between them as Shixun continued to stare at him wordlessly, breathlessly.
Stopping only a foot before Shixun, Kai scowled. He was silent for a moment. Shixun bit his tongue. It was all that he could to not to break into tears.
And then Kai spoke. “I just want to know one thing. Was… any of it… real for you?” He sounded like a broken man as he said it.
Shixun lowered his head and let a tear drop to the gravels. “You… were the realest thing I had ever had in my life, Kai.”
He could no longer hold back the tears that streamed down his face. He wanted Kai to go away, to leave him be, and not torment him any more than he had already been all his life. He was tired. He just wanted to be free now. In the most liberal way possible.
For the longest moment, Kai remained silent. Then in a hoarse voice, he said, “I cannot forgive you for… lying. For making me believe that I was in love with someone I thought I knew. Someone… else. Someone I thought I chose. Now, I realize, I didn’t choose you. I chose… your brother.”
Shixun wanted to stop breathing. “Kai, please… leave. I can’t… do this.”
“No, you need to hear this,” he spat through his teeth. “You have to know how it was for me to find out that I didn’t even know the person I was laying with. And the fact that he was completely fine with it.”
God, if only Kai knew…
Shixun wiped his cheeks. “I have paid for my mistakes, Kai… What else do you want me to do? How can I… stop you from hurting? If I… went as far away as I could from you, would that help? Or would you rather… you cut me open with your own sword? I never wanted to hurt you, but I did anyway… So, I’m ready… to accept whatever punishments you think I deserve.”
Kai was silent for a length. Even in his silence, his anger and resentment were so loud. “You know what is killing me more than anything?” he let out. “I couldn’t… stop loving you, wanting you, in spite of everything.”
Then Kai cupped a side of his face to lift it so that he could meet Shixun’s eyes. His own eyes were stained with tears. He tilted his head and pressed his lips against Shixun’s.
Clenching his eyes tightly, Shixun tightened his fists around Kai’s shirt, not daring to breathe as Kai kissed him tenderly, as though he were worried of hurting him.
Shixun tasted salt on Kai’s lips, unsure of whether it came from his own tears or Kai’s.
When they broke apart, they stopped to catch their breath for a moment, Kai’s hand still clasped against Shixun’s face.
“You should have told me,” whispered Kai.
“You wouldn’t have wanted me if I had…”
Kai’s eyes flung open. “My heart knew what it wanted, Shixun. You didn’t even give me the chance to love you… all of you for everything you are.”
Shixun shook his head lightly. “You wouldn’t love me for everything I am.”
“Why don’t we find out?” said Kai, blinking at the tears in his eyes.
Shixun stared at him then. “What?”
“I... love you... It’s always you. It’s always going to be you. There's nothing I could do to change that... But I want to know… if you really do love me or if I were just… part of your scheme.”
Shixun panted and clung onto Kai’s shirt, dropping his head. “You weren’t. You weren’t, Kai. That’s the problem… I fell in love for the first time and I knew it was wrong. But everything I was with you was real. I was real. My feelings were real. My… love for you was real.”
Kai brought Shixun’s face up again and looked into his eyes. “I don’t really know if things will ever be the same between us. But I’m willing to try. Trust me for once. Let me help you to… be free, to reach your dream to be free. You don’t have to… do it alone.”
Shixun broke down in Kai’s arms then, burying his face against Kai’s shoulder as Kai wrapped his arms around his trembling body.
If only Kai knew that somewhere along the way… he had become Shixun’s dream.